trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on May 13, 2011 12:22:27 GMT -5
Dark, "Why? This seems pretty common on this board, whenever a woman posts about a spouse that's not contributing much financially invariably all the bills are in her name. I just don't get it. "
Because I bought the house before we were married. I purchased it in my name only 1. to protect myself, we weren't married 2. DH did not have great credit and I have excellent credit, so I was able to secure a great rate on the mortgage. His name on the mortgage, would have done more harm than good.
I also had the credit cards way before we were married. They remain in my name only. DH did not have any credit cards in his name when we met and has not acquired any since then.
I purchased the car right after we got married. I could easily purchase it on my own, it was my vehicle and his name on the loan would only hurt the interest rate.
If we ever need credit for anything it goes in my name, because of DH's lousy credit. We did finance some furniture and some home improvement items on two separate 0% financing offers during our marriage. Both have been paid off.
Hope that explains some of it.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 13, 2011 12:26:43 GMT -5
The utilities are all in DH's name except the cable because I had no credit history with the companies yet and the fees tehy wanted from me were insane. Not to mention for the water company that along with a $50 deposit I had to go down there with two differen forms of identification.
Just easier to bypass all that and stick them in DH's name. ;D
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on May 13, 2011 12:28:35 GMT -5
stl76 - I must admit I was a little shocked about the Mother's Day gift. DH is usually a very, very thoughtful gift giver. Just a little background. We recently took custody of a teenage girl (back in December) who needed a home. We do not have children of our own. He may have been unsure what to do. He did get me a very thoughtful card and I could tell he was embarrassed about giving me money. We ended up having a major issue with our DD that day (both of her parents are deceased) so the money in the card kind of got put on the backburner...much more important things going on.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 13, 2011 12:28:49 GMT -5
Dark, "Why? This seems pretty common on this board, whenever a woman posts about a spouse that's not contributing much financially invariably all the bills are in her name. I just don't get it. " Because I bought the house before we were married. I purchased it in my name only 1. to protect myself, we weren't married 2. DH did not have great credit and I have excellent credit, so I was able to secure a great rate on the mortgage. His name on the mortgage, would have done more harm than good. I also had the credit cards way before we were married. They remain in my name only. DH did not have any credit cards in his name when we met and has not acquired any since then. I purchased the car right after we got married. I could easily purchase it on my own, it was my vehicle and his name on the loan would only hurt the interest rate. If we ever need credit for anything it goes in my name, because of DH's lousy credit. We did finance some furniture and some home improvement items on two separate 0% financing offers during our marriage. Both have been paid off. Hope that explains some of it. Yes, you're his mommy, not his wife. Time for him to man up.
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Post by stl76 on May 13, 2011 12:33:42 GMT -5
So all debts are in your name, you make pretty much all the income but you get to stress over the bills all alone, you don't get to spend it on yourself AT ALL while having to sponsor the gifts for his family (who cannot be satisfied with a single gift or with gifts under $50), $1000 travel, whatever else he wants. This is not good. If it continues this way, the resentment alone will take you all the way to divorce court (yes you love him but love only takes you so far without a real partnership) and guess what? In a divorce you will end up with all the debt and probably even have to pay him. Fix it now. Let him leave without cash, make sure he does not use the credit card (i know this won't sound so great or mature but take the card away from him-with or without his knowledge, it is in your name anyway).
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Post by stl76 on May 13, 2011 12:35:29 GMT -5
"We ended up having a major issue with our DD that day (both of her parents are deceased) so the money in the card kind of got put on the backburner...much more important things going on. "
I understand much more important things but can you honestly say if it was a birthday/wedding/whatever for his family, would that get put in the back burner too?
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 13, 2011 12:37:14 GMT -5
:: But we're a team:: Which is the important part. ![](http://us.social.s-msn.com/s/images/emoticons/thumbs_up.gif) It is. Because it means we have each other's backs every way we can. Doesn't mean we don't squabble and whine about each other though.
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on May 13, 2011 12:39:45 GMT -5
STL76 - I agree that if bills were in his name and ended up being unpaid, it would affect him, but it would also affect myself and DD. If the electric bill was in his name and he couldn't pay it, we would all be without electric. His credit would take the ding, but we would all suffer.
To be fair, DH is a great guy. As I've said in another thread, when the shit hits the fan, he's the guy I want standing by my side. He has proven to be loving and supportive during some really dark times. I am aware of his shortcomings when it comes to finances. Believe me, he wants the bills paid and he doesn't want to hurt, anger or disappoint me. He DOES stick his head in the sand and avoid unpleasant situations (he is exactly like his Mother in this way) and it is very frustrating for someone like me. He DOES admit that maybe he didn't act soon enough when he saw his business going down hill, but he was optimistic and thought he could turn it around. He DOES admit to being a procrastinator.
He feels like we are married and we are a team. He feels like he contributes to our home in many ways (which he does). He feels like he is trying to finish his license so he can have another stream of income coming into the house; along with contracting work, which he still seeks out. He does have some potentially lucrative jobs coming up....just waiting for permits. You can just never count on these jobs, because anything can happen. He feels like I unfortunately have to pick up the financial slack right now, while everything is falling into place. I am getting impatient, because it's been a long time and I am trying to prevent the train from rolling off the tracks.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 13, 2011 12:40:00 GMT -5
:: But we're a team:: Which is the important part. ![](http://us.social.s-msn.com/s/images/emoticons/thumbs_up.gif) It is. Because it means we have each other's backs every way we can. Doesn't mean we don't squabble and whine about each other though. DH and I have our share of disagreements about money. It doesn't mean we aren't a team. We share the same goals, we just sometimes disagree on how to reach the goal. For example, DH still owes about $16k on his student loan. I want the freakin' thing paid off, and he doesn't really care. The payment is about $300 a month, but I put $1000 on it because I want it gone. But as long as I'm not pissing away the $700 a month, it really isn't that big of a deal.
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on May 13, 2011 12:44:08 GMT -5
You realize of course that by continuing to put everything in your name his credit will literally never improve right? I don't know, I just don't get the his, hers, and ours married finances. It literally makes no sense to me. The whole reason you get married, from a legal perspective anyway, is so that you can comingle assets. I mean, that's really all a marriage is legally. It's taking two separate individuals and giving them the legal right to hold assets jointly. So getting married but keeping everything as his and hers seems really pointless.
You guys are married, you're a team, you're a single legal entity. Put everything in both of your names. Comingle your money and use that to pay the bills. You could even go nuts and actually pay it together. Or, have monthly budget meetings where you both talk about how you're going to pay everything, even if only one of you actually writes the checks, and clicks the mouse. I know it sounds crazy, but I think there might be some value in having your life partner actually have a clue how your household is run, what your cashflow looks like, and how much you guys need to bring in to meet your obligations. At the very least when he starts to whine about an upcoming wedding or whatever, you can tell him to figure out where to find the money in the budget and have one less thing to worry about.
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Post by stl76 on May 13, 2011 12:48:55 GMT -5
"He DOES admit to being a procrastinator." He admits because he knows that's what you want to hear. Actions speak louder than words. What has he done about this? Just because he admits doesnt mean he is off the hook...
"He feels like he contributes to our home in many ways (which he does)" I am willing to bet that so do you. Like you said it is both of your home. The contribution other than financial is a given/expected anyway! It is not like he is doing those things as a favor, he lives there too...
"He feels like I unfortunately have to pick up the financial slack right now, while everything is falling into place." He is a master manipulator. You are justifying... There is reason he cannot get a PT job while this license/business thing happens, is there??? Yeah maybe it will be tiring but if he cares about his family (meaning you and DD) he should do this instead of letting you feel all the financial burden... Again, I don't see how he is a great guy from the things you have said. Fixing things around the house does not make somebody a great guy.
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on May 13, 2011 12:48:58 GMT -5
STL76 - I did open the card and must have had a shocked look on my face when a $50 bill fell out. I could tell that DH didn't know what to say and then guests started arriving and the shit hit the fan with DD, so I got very sidetracked. I did think about it this morning and I did think about the fact that he would never give his Mom or one of his siblings $50 as a gift, he would always give a gift. Then I took a step back and realized that he always gives me very thoughtful gifts. I don't think he meant to snub me in any way. I think he might have not thought about me for Mother's Day because of our circumstances and then sort of realized it last minute. I'm not going to make a big deal about it. I might say something when he gets home, but I feel like I have bigger fish to fry right now.
BTW...I'm not going to take the credit card away from him. If I tell him not to charge on it, he doesn't. He also always calls before he charges something and it's usually a necessary household item or something like that. Even though a lot of you think I act like his Mommy, believe me, I'm not interested in that kind of relationship. My home was purchased almost a year before we were married and so the bills are in my name. The only major purchase that was made after we were married was my car, which is in my name.
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Post by stl76 on May 13, 2011 12:53:05 GMT -5
"My home was purchased almost a year before we were married and so the bills are in my name. The only major purchase that was made after we were married was my car, which is in my name. "
This is not the part that is making you like a mommy in this relationship. It is the fact that you are bailing him out every single time, you are not letting him fail so he can grow up and take responsibility... It is so wonderful of you to be so supportive but there is a limit to being supportive before it starts hurting both parties and you are way past that I think. Think about it, why would he even try harder (or as hard as he actually can) when he doesn't have to and right now he really doesn't have to.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 13, 2011 12:54:02 GMT -5
Because if she does that her interest rates will go up because of his bad credit. He trashed it, let him fix it. I cannot understand ANY person who lets another live off them anymore than I can understand one that chooses to live off their so-called partner. NO ONE is that great of a lay or that nice of a person to be a freeloader. They usually come with freeloading relatives as well. If you marry a trainwreck, why are you surprised when the train runs off the tracks?
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 13, 2011 12:56:26 GMT -5
BTW...I'm not going to take the credit card away from him. If I tell him not to charge on it, he doesn't. He also always calls before he charges something and it's usually a necessary household item or something like that. Even though a lot of you think I act like his Mommy, believe me, I'm not interested in that kind of relationship. My home was purchased almost a year before we were married and so the bills are in my name. The only major purchase that was made after we were married was my car, which is in my name. Right, but can't you put his name on the utility bills along with yours? As a I mentioned earlier (I think it's this thread), DH bought the house before we met. After we got married, he called the utilities and added me to the accounts. The bills come addressed to both of us and show up on my credit report and his. We do joint accounts and DH is the one who actually goes online to pay the gas, electric, water and phones bills.
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on May 13, 2011 12:56:41 GMT -5
Because if she does that her interest rates will go up because of his bad credit. Get a joint credit card then, use it every month for household stuff, and pay it off. You'll never pay any interest, and the rates are always high anyway, so his bad credit adding a couple points to what's already a 15% interest rate, or whatever, doesn't matter. Right, but can't you put his name on the utility bills along with yours? Bingo. They don't charge interest, and the rates aren't determined based on credit rating.
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on May 13, 2011 12:57:02 GMT -5
"You guys are married, you're a team, you're a single legal entity. Put everything in both of your names. Comingle your money and use that to pay the bills. You could even go nuts and actually pay it together. Or, have monthly budget meetings where you both talk about how you're going to pay everything, even if only one of you actually writes the checks, and clicks the mouse. I know it sounds crazy, but I think there might be some value in having your life partner actually have a clue how your household is run, what your cashflow looks like, and how much you guys need to bring in to meet your obligations. At the very least when he starts to whine about an upcoming wedding or whatever, you can tell him to figure out where to find the money in the budget and have one less thing to worry about. "
Dark - DH is aware of all of the household finances. He knows exactly what the monthly bills are. He knows exactly what the minimum he is supposed to contribute is. I show him our budget and I also do a projection every week or so for upcoming expenses (because of his variable income). So I would say he is very aware of everything that is going on. Yes, I write the bills out, but he also has access to every single banking, investment, financial statement...they are in his office.
I came to into this marriage with many more assets than DH. He is aware of everything. Like I said, the home was purchased by me about a year before we got married. There was no way it was going into both of our names. I purchased it with my own downpayment money, DH did not contribute. I also put cable, electric, oil and water in my name, because I was the homeowner.
I agree that if DH doesn't start establishing some credit history, his credit will never improve. He's going to have to get a credit card in his name when he gets his business going, that was the plan.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 13, 2011 12:59:57 GMT -5
I'd say let the electric get cut off and whatever else would embarrass the crap out of him to get a damn job and start paying bills.
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on May 13, 2011 13:00:11 GMT -5
DH is aware of all of the household finances. He knows exactly what the monthly bills are. He knows exactly what the minimum he is supposed to contribute is. I show him our budget and I also do a projection every week or so for upcoming expenses (because of his variable income). So I would say he is very aware of everything that is going on. Then why are you the one juggling to try and find some money for him to spend on his family? Are you a financial team, or do you handle it all and just keep him informed? Based on your posts, it sounds like the latter to me. I don't know if that's the reality or not, but that's the way you're portraying him.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 13, 2011 13:00:45 GMT -5
No reason he can't work nights at a bunch of places. There are jobs out there. Nurseries are hiring right now.
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Post by stl76 on May 13, 2011 13:01:01 GMT -5
"what the minimum he is supposed to contribute is."
What is this based on? Is it after all your income is spent on bills/necessities? Since he seems to be so relaxed, maybe start adding in savings, etc to the budget before you tell him his minimum (basically put a fudge factor in), especially if you tell him $500 and he can only come up with $250... Give yourself some play room and give him a higher than to aim...
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on May 13, 2011 13:01:38 GMT -5
This is not the part that is making you like a mommy in this relationship. It is the fact that you are bailing him out every single time, you are not letting him fail so he can grow up and take responsibility... It is so wonderful of you to be so supportive but there is a limit to being supportive before it starts hurting both parties and you are way past that I think. Think about it, why would he even try harder (or as hard as he actually can) when he doesn't have to and right now he really doesn't have to.
Agreed STL76, but what to do about it? The wedding was the perfect opportunity. I'm not going to not pay bills that are in my name to prove a point to DH. I'm not going to have my DD live without electricity or heat to prove a point. I don't give DH money. There is a very fine line here. I agree that he needs to learn his lesson and things need to be uncomfortable for him, so he's motivated to change, but I'm not sure where to take the stand, besides for weddings and gifts and things like eating out.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on May 13, 2011 13:04:53 GMT -5
This is no help, but I remember when DH and I were broke. He wanted $75 to join a fantasy football league. I remember yelling and crying that I laid awake at night stressing over bills, and he was going to spend $75 we didn't have to join fantasy football?!?!?!?!
His solution was that I should also take $75 and spend it on something for myself so we would be even.
Great, sweetie, then we will be $150 behind! You are brilliant! All of our problems are solved. Why didn't I think of that?
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Post by stl76 on May 13, 2011 13:06:14 GMT -5
"Agreed STL76, but what to do about it? The wedding was the perfect opportunity. "
Couldn't agree more. Stick to your ground, you made him aware ahead of time what he needed to do. You are not a freaking bank. This is the first opportunity. You keep this up until he figures it out... I understand you don't want the utilities to be cut out plus he knows you will come through for those no matter what because they are in your name and you need them. So you teach him the lesson on the things that are luxury/unnecessary such as the gifts for his family. You said there is a whole bunch of stuff in the summer, start out right away... Always tell him no money for this/that (which is not a lie anyway) or limited money (if he wants $100, tell him we only have $15 for this). Put an end to the stupid gift giving, it is not more important than your financial stability along with your mental health, stressing over these things all on your own is not good for your health!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 13, 2011 13:07:21 GMT -5
I think your DD is smart enough to see what problems there are and some electrci cut off isn't going to kill her or you but it will embarrass him hopefully enough to get a job that pays money. Whatever bills are in his name do not pay-period.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 13, 2011 13:09:47 GMT -5
He wanted $75 to join a fantasy football league. I remember yelling and crying that I laid awake at night stressing over bills, and he was going to spend $75 we didn't have to join fantasy football?!?!?!?!
His solution was that I should also take $75 and spend it on something for myself so we would be even.
Great, sweetie, then we will be $150 behind! You are brilliant! All of our problems are solved. Why didn't I think of that?Are you married to my husband? ![](http://media.funsmileys.com/smileys/surprised004.gif)
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on May 13, 2011 13:13:01 GMT -5
stl76, I already have a cushion in the budget. We sat down before I purchased the house (we were engaged and both agreed that we wanted this house) and came up with a budget. He understood that in order to pay the bills in this house, he needed to contribute $3000 a month to our household. His gas and personally spending money were separate from that figure. If he had income above and beyond the $3000 and gas/personal money, we were going to put it towards savings.
This figure is not a secret to him. He knows exactly where the number came from. Now plans can be made and sometimes life changes and that's what happened. DH's business hit the skids. It got progessively worse over time. He could not make that contribution and some months nowhere near it. I had a fairly large savings account set up, so I was able to keep us afloat.
DH went back to school and now is very close to getting his license for home inspection. He knew that he needed another source of income.
Zib - he is working. He is doing contracting projects inbetween inspections. So he does have some income coming in. He is also selling on Ebay/Craigs List for extra money.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 13, 2011 13:14:35 GMT -5
Super, then everything after 3k he can keep or put toward family gifts but no fun money until all bills are paid.
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on May 13, 2011 13:14:43 GMT -5
His solution was that I should also take $75 and spend it on something for myself so we would be even. Great, sweetie, then we will be $150 behind! You are brilliant! All of our problems are solved. Why didn't I think of that ![](http://i239.photobucket.com/albums/ff155/JiminiChristmas/smileys/1-1.gif) LOVE IT !!!!!
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Post by stl76 on May 13, 2011 13:15:36 GMT -5
$3000? ![???](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/huh.png) So how much of this promised amount does he actually contribute??? It is great that at least he went back to school but plenty of people work PT, even FT during school. When he gets this license, is he guaranteed a job?
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