trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on May 12, 2011 11:00:10 GMT -5
So my DH is heading out of State tomorrow for a family wedding. It will probably end up costing us about $1000 for him to attend, between flights, hotel, spending money, incidentals and the gift. He obviously will not be able to work while his is out of State, so there won't be any income coming in during that time either.
When we got to the invitation I told him that I thought it best that he go by himself, because we simply could not afford for me to go as well (not to mention miss work, find someone to take care of the animals and our DD). DH was a little disappointed (he had originally hoped to make this a little family vacation, but I explained that both financially and practically it just didn't make sense).
So although I understand that DH and I got married 2 years ago and these family members did attend out wedding (DH's Aunt paid all of their expenses, even paid for their gift to us), I am a bit resentful about spending the money at this time, when we have had a difficult year financially and we have many other things that we could be using $1000 + for.
I always feel like we have an overwhelming amount of obligations and we are constantly shelling out cash for gifts, dinners, wedding expenses, etc. etc. It's a huge part of our annual budget and quite frankly I'm finding it harder and harder to keep up. I feel like I have to continue to give up more and more things for myself in order to meet these obligations.
I have a surprise 40th I was invited to this weekend and I am seriously thinking about not going (even though I would like to see everyone there), because I just don't know if I can purchase another gift this month on top of a large Mother's Day BBQ, Mother's Day gifts, the wedding and all of our regular expenses.
Does anyone else feel frustrated over constantly having to meet obligational spending before they can think about doing a thing for themself?
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 12, 2011 11:05:27 GMT -5
Nope, but then I have a small family and since they always have something going on when I invite them, I don't sweat it too much when I am invited to a baby shower for a cousin I've only met twice and end up declining. DH's family is HUGE and like your DH's family invite pretty much everyone with the same last name. We got invited to a wedding and DH hadn't seen this cousin since he was four, but since "it was family" he wanted to go. It took awhile before I got him on board with how much these things cost for people who just happen to be "family". It was finally driven home last year when if we had sent money to every kid of a cousin who sent us a HS graduation annoucement it would have been several hundred dollars out of our pocket that we did not have. Then our wedding also drove it home because at first he insisted we had to invite EVERYONE because "I was invited ot their wedding". I crunched the numbers (well over 500 people and 99% of it was DH's family) and showed him the bill. He quickly changed his tune. I said pretty much anyone he has to call his mother and ask what their name is is not invited, I don't care if they are a blood relative. "So and so's daughter's cousin" was not invited. ![:P](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/tongue.png) Just learn to say NO, you really are not obligated to attend every function that you are invited to just because these people are related. I feel that my rule above for the wedding is a good starting point, if you have to call your mom to ask who it is that just invited you to their wedding, then feel safe that if you decline they are probably not even going to notice. FWIW DH had a huge fit at first fearing he'd be pretty much ex-communicated from his family if we did not attend every single event. Once he discovered the world did not end when we passed the next time was easier. It's hard at first to start letting these things drop, especially if you are always the couple/person who steps up. But if it is impacting your budget enough that you can't do what YOU want to do because you are doing all these things for others you need to grow a backbone about it. We've also stopped doing gifts for the kids at Christmas, no one noticed. I decided after last year when my gift was tossed aside without a thank you because it wasn't as big/expensive as what the others got, that I didn't need to get them anything. Boy what a relief it was to my psyche and my budget!
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fairlycrazy23
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Post by fairlycrazy23 on May 12, 2011 11:07:11 GMT -5
I don't think these are obligations, attending an out of state wedding should not be an automatic obligation, you could simply send your regards and a gift. But it can get frustrating because even though they are not technically obligations, you still feel compelled to do them.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on May 12, 2011 11:17:57 GMT -5
I'm with Snerdley. I mean - I respect anyone who is trying to get their financial house in order, but at some point you can't miss life. Maybe this one is the one to miss - but be careful about never having any fun. I don't know how much you are spending on Mother's Day, but I would think a nice family vacation and going to someone's wedding is more important than a gift for a made up holiday that comes every year. (We don't do gifts for Mother's Day.)
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happyscooter
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Post by happyscooter on May 12, 2011 11:18:03 GMT -5
DH's nephew got a married during the fall. I had no one to keep my kids and I wouldn't take them out of school. For the 4 of us to fly 1000 miles was going to be outrageous. DH wouldn't go without me, so we stayed home. I sent a gift. MIL/FIL were livid that we wouldn't spend the money and took it out on my kids for the next few years. I said 'BIL has so many FF miles, why doesn't he let us use them if it is so important that we be there?'
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on May 12, 2011 11:20:01 GMT -5
Hi Drama and Fairlycrazy 23, in this case, the wedding is for DH's cousin and someone he knows fairly well. The spent alot of time together over the years (not much in recent years). I have only met them twice, once for our wedding.
I did want to tell DH that maybe we should just send a nice gift, but I know he felt that it was very important that he attend. My MIL, FIL, and BIL are also going. My two SIL's declined because they both have very young children and it was impossible to find any kind of babysitting situation when their entire family was attending the wedding and they also could not afford to go.
This is really just one example. Due to our current financial situation, I have been putting all of my wants on the back burner and I have been very careful about defining needs. This to me qualifies as a very expansive want, not a need. I guess I'm just feeling a bit snarky about putting tons of personal projects/wants on hold and then spending tons of money on a wedding, that I get the sentiment, but really just don't feel like it was that necessary to attend.
I just got a wedding invitation from my first cousin. The wedding is on the opposite coast and going would be a huge expense...I'm sending a nice gift and that's it. It's just not in the budget. I'm sure he'll appreciate the gift.
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dancinmama
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Post by dancinmama on May 12, 2011 11:20:30 GMT -5
I think you should rethink this. Part of life is celebrating the events of life with family. You start as a kid, going to birthday parties, then graduations, then weddings, then showers, then later birthdays and anniversies culminating in making the rounds of funerals. So, go, enjoy, celebrate and build some memories for yourself and family. And, part of that is celebrating these things with your spouse. I agree because I am all about experiences more than "stuff", but if you can't afford it, you can't afford it. It sounds like the burden of the expense is stressing the OP out. IF she were to have decided to go with her DH, she probably would not have a good time at all thinking all the while how they were there, but could not really afford it. EDIT: And this is where I think having a budget that both spouses have agreed upon comes in. If the unexpected invitation is received then something else in it comes out of the vacation budget and/or something else has to go. Unfortunately it sounds like the OP feels like she is always sacrificing the things that she really wants for things that her DH wants. That's okay once in a while, but if it is happening all the time, it's not good.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on May 12, 2011 11:24:03 GMT -5
I feel the same way about time. Which is more important - romance or laundry? If you pick an answer you are wrong. So, sometimes the laundry piles up and I regret it when I get around to it, and sometimes my husband seems to take an exorbinately long shower. Whatever.
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on May 12, 2011 11:26:03 GMT -5
Snerdly I actually couldn't agree with you more under normal circumstances, but as my mother always said "you can't dance at every wedding". Don't misunderstand, we are very generous and enjoy celebrating important events with friends and family. I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed today. This has been a difficult year for us financially and I have made many, many scarifies and I guess the timing is just very bad for us.
About the Mother's Day BBQ. It's a big deal to our families. They look forward to it every year. We make a point to throw a nice party and give nice, thoughtful gifts. I always plan for it. It's tons of work, but well worth the effort, because it's an excuse for everyone to get together and enjoy each other.
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dancinmama
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Post by dancinmama on May 12, 2011 11:29:09 GMT -5
Snerdly I actually couldn't agree with you more under normal circumstances, but as my mother always said "you can't dance at every wedding". Don't misunderstand, we are very generous and enjoy celebrating important events with friends and family. I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed today. This has been a difficult year for us financially and I have made many, many scarifies and I guess the timing is just very bad for us. About the Mother's Day BBQ. It's a big deal to our families. They look forward to it every year. We make a point to throw a nice party and give nice, thoughtful gifts. I always plan for it. It's tons of work, but well worth the effort, because it's an excuse for everyone to get together and enjoy each other. Which is doing exactly what Snerdley suggested - apart from the gifts, but still....
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on May 12, 2011 11:32:06 GMT -5
I also guess my point is that I do want to experience things with DH. I've put a lot of those experiences (weekend get-aways, romantic dinners out, plays, etc) on hold because of our financial situation. If I was picking something to spend $1000 on and enjoy with DH, it wouldn't be this wedding. Maybe I'm having a difficult time explaining. I feel like I'm spending lots of money on experiences that aren't my top choice and I'm giving up lots of things I want to do, because I feel obligated to pay for the other events. Does that make any sense?
DH and I are finally going on our Honeymoon (after 2 years) this June. The trip is basically paid for by my job and it's truly the experience of lifetime, I cannot wait. I am trying to put some money away for spending money during the trip and I would have preferred to use that $1000 to use on our trip (selfish I know) so we could enjoy ourselves with out stressing over every little purchase.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on May 12, 2011 11:34:15 GMT -5
So, really, you have just chosen to spend your money on YOUR family, not your husband's family.
You made it sound like Mother's Day is an obligation. But, if you called your Mom and said "Mom, I'm broke, I just won't be able to chip in for the BBQ or buy you a gift this year" I would hope your mom wouldn't hold that against you. If she would, then she is an asshole who doesn't really deserve the gift. Mothers should want more for their children than being broke and stressed out to buy them some stupid trinket.
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sil
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Post by sil on May 12, 2011 11:35:35 GMT -5
Does anyone else feel frustrated over constantly having to meet obligational spending before they can think about doing a thing for themself? ************************************************************************************************* I wish I didn't feel this way, but I kind of agree. On the one hand, my sister is finishing grad school this summer, getting married in Fall and my parents are both celebrating milestone birthdays this year. I am very excited about all of these events, and Im more than happy to buy gifts and make 1 or 2 trips across the country to celebrate these events (note - my family doesnt expect me there for each event) On the other hand, DH's family and some of our mutual friends like to go out to dinner for every birthday, and gifts are expected. This was a bit of a culture change for me because in my family, you dont invite others to celebrate adult birthdays unless its hosted, or a pot-luck with no expectation of gifts. When we were first dating, I told my DH that I'd prefer to just have the 4 of us go for dinner on my birthday, and I have no problem at all with him buying me something nice ![:)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/smiley.png) , but I would be more comfortable if we didnt have a party. My parents and sisters always call me on my birthday, and I often get cards from them which is nice. Friends and family will usually send me a "Happy Birthday" post on Facebook, maybe a text. Yet for everyone else's birthday, we're invited to spend $50 for a sitter, $60 for dinner (chipping in for the birthday boy/girl's dinner) and whatever we want for a gift. Recently, some friends kind of lumped my birthday together with everyone else's that has one in the same week (there are 4 of us.) so now I go to birthday celebrations and I get gifts from friends because I'm getting old (which feels a bit strange) but it is nice that we are able to lump 4 of these into one event, I suppose. Asking for no party/gift is my choice, attending all of these celebrations is also my choice, although I typically go out of a sense of "obligation" But I understand where OP is coming from - I do feel a little bitter about it. I'm trying to change my attitude, because I dont like myself and I'm sure others don't like me either when I'm bitter.
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on May 12, 2011 11:38:30 GMT -5
Thyme - the Mother's Day BBQ is mostly for DH's family. My mother does attend. By we orginally started it for my MIL and so my SIL's could get a break one day a year, since we didn't have a child at the time. So nope it has nothing to do with spending on his family verses mine. As a matter of fact, the majority of the obligations are on his side of the family, not mine. He has a much larger family.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 12, 2011 11:39:56 GMT -5
Try, does any of the families do joint gifts? I'm one of 5 kids and buying gifts for our parents is much easier and cheaper this way. Someone comes up with an idea, prices it out and emails/calss the rest of us to find out if we're in or out. Mom got a new wristwatch for Mother's Day. All I have to do is give one of my sisters about $10. The watch was on sale, plus she had a discount card AND some other coupons that applied. Father's Day/Dad's b-day is going to be a firepit for the backyard plus a big bucket for extinguishing in case of emergency... I'm in charge of that one.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on May 12, 2011 11:40:50 GMT -5
I think you should rethink this. Part of life is celebrating the events of life with family. You start as a kid, going to birthday parties, then graduations, then weddings, then showers, then later birthdays and anniversies culminating in making the rounds of funerals. So, go, enjoy, celebrate and build some memories for yourself and family. And, part of that is celebrating these things with your spouse. I sort of agree. These people attended your wedding. You should not harbor resentment about attending theirs. Do you not get any gifts on your birthday or other holidays? At least you should be consistent and not accept any either if it bothers you so much.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on May 12, 2011 11:41:48 GMT -5
But, this wedding was important to your husband. So, you are upset that your husband is getting what is important to him, but you aren't. Meanwhile, you are spending money on the Mother's Day BBQ, which IS important to you.
If you are really that upset by it, make a list of all the things you really want to do - in order, with approximate costs. When something comes up - like a friend's birthday or a family get together, decide where it falls on the list. Sit with your husband and ask "Do you want this more than the things on the list?" Hang the list on the bulletin board, so you can see it.
Only you can prioritize your spending. Right now you just think things are being handed to you, but really, you are choosing to participate - you just think you are not in control. If you want something, you can make it happen.
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happyscooter
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Post by happyscooter on May 12, 2011 11:43:51 GMT -5
You didn't get an invite? that solves the problem.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on May 12, 2011 11:44:18 GMT -5
Oops - sorry I was posting #18 when you were posting #15.
So, basically, you are frustrated because your husband gets everything that he wants and you don't get what you want.
Time for a long, hard discussion. Marriages crumble under this sort of resentment. If you can't get resolution between you two, I would suggest you go for counseling before your feelings seep out and start shaking the foundation of your marriage.
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sil
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Post by sil on May 12, 2011 11:46:11 GMT -5
Another thought - I remember when DH and I were making our guest list for our wedding. I felt really guilty inviting my aunts/uncles/cousins from across the country. I would have loved to have seen them, but I didn't want them to spend the money for the trip. I really didnt want them to think that we only invited them because we knew they couldnt come, but were hoping they'd send a gift. In the end, I did not invite them at all, but I still worry that they felt slighted because they werent invited, although my mom says they understood.
Perhaps your extended family went through the same debate, but in the end they decided that they didn't want to risk offending you and your parents by not extending the invitation, but they really dont expect you to attend.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 12, 2011 11:46:23 GMT -5
Trying I get it. There seems to be a baby boom going on between our families and I've recieved more shower invites in the past couple months than I have in several years. My MIL fully expected me to spend money and attend a shower for her in-law's step daughter's baby shower. DH and I just had a baby of our own and money is tight, plus showers really are not my thing. Fortunately for me I had a case of diapers that was unopened that DD grew out of but I hadn't yet returned. I gave them to MIL with my regrets because a family member of my own was having a shower the same weekend (I didn't go to that one either, but I need a reason with MIL otherwise she will spend all her time convincing me to go). I made my MIL happy and I didn't have to spend any money I didn't want to or go to an event I didn't want to attend. I get living life but I want to live my life on MY terms, not having to shuttle back and forth between every major life event in other people's lives, especially people who wouldn't know me from Adam but got my name from my MIL. $1k to attend a wedding would be too much for us as well. I am fortunate that now DH is at the stage where he doesn't feel he needs to go to every family function and we've both shed the guilt over it. If family disowns us because we don't go to Cousin Fred's wedding then hey, that's one less wedding to attend! ![:P](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/tongue.png)
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on May 12, 2011 11:48:23 GMT -5
SIL - yes, we are expected to attend birthday parties for each child and adult in DH's family. Gifts are expected. Everyone gets a separate party, even when their birthdays are a day apart (or on the same day). It was culture shock to me too at first and took some getting used to.
My family lives all over the country and even overseas, so we don't get to see each other and celebrate on a regular basis and gifts are not expected. My siblings and I rarely exchange anything and we are much better off financially than DH's family.
HOWEVER, it's ok. That's their tradition and it's part of being part of the family. It can be a bit overwhelming when every single weekend in the summer there is another b-day party to attend and another gift to buy, but so what, it's family and we enjoy each other's company.
I do admit to getting abit snarky at Christmas time when I am spending tons of money on DH's family and not much on mine, because the budget is only so big and my family understands more.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on May 12, 2011 11:49:20 GMT -5
The problem is that her husband really wants to go to the wedding - it is important to him. Her husband isn't giving up anything that is important to him, but she is giving up everything that is important to her.
This is a marriage / relationship issue.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on May 12, 2011 11:52:37 GMT -5
So, what does your husband offer as the reason why he's financially putting extended family priorities above nuclear family priorities? Why isn't your DH willing to use some boundaries?
My DH's extended family is much larger than mine. So, we spend what we can, equally, between everyone.
My husband had some cousins that he saw routinely growing up. They grew apart as adults. They didn't come to our wedding because they didn't want to pay for a babysitter..I had actually never met them until after we married. Their choice. We arranged a wedding based on our choices. No one has taken it personally...
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 12, 2011 11:55:50 GMT -5
Maybe you need to draw a budget and say "This is how much we spend for X person and that is IT" same goes for your family. Then you don't feel that you have to spend less on yours becasue you spent more on his. I did presents for 8 people once on less than $100, it takes time but it can be done.
DH's family is freaking HUGE, my head would explode along with my wallet if we attended every single event his family has. When we first started dating he would drag me to TONS of events for family members he has barely seen in years. It was exhausting.
So after awhile we made a list of what was important to him and we skip the rest. The fourth of july party is really important to him so we go to that, Christmas is obviously important so we go to that.
We skip weddings, showers, birthday parties for the adults etc. We passed on every HS graduation MIL passed onto us, the only one we plan on attending is the one for DH's nephew.
It really does help cut down on the resentment factor because I too started to feel like I was spending way more time with DH's family than I was my own. Mine is very small, but they and our events are still important to me.
Deciding which events are important allows us to better divvy up our time between our families so neither one of us feels like we are missing out.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on May 12, 2011 11:57:19 GMT -5
SIL - yes, we are expected to attend birthday parties for each child and adult in DH's family. Gifts are expected. Everyone gets a separate party, even when their birthdays are a day apart (or on the same day). It was culture shock to me too at first and took some getting used to. HOWEVER, it's ok. That's their tradition and it's part of being part of the family. It can be a bit overwhelming when every single weekend in the summer there is another b-day party to attend and another gift to buy, but so what, it's family and we enjoy each other's company. Why don't you and your husband agree to a set dollar amount for gifts and then stock up during sales? Gifts may be expected, but you don't need to over-do it, either. So, when do you get to spend time with your nuclear family? When do you get to bond as a family with just your kid? Personally, spending time with extended family is great, but I prefer not to do it at the expense of my nuclear family.
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resolution
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Post by resolution on May 12, 2011 11:58:16 GMT -5
I think this ties into your other thread about getting hubby on board. This is just a symptom of the same frustration you posted about earlier. Hubby still isn't bringing in the income that he agreed to when you bought your house, your budget is still underwater and the time frame for his business to start is still behind schedule. Now he is finally ready to get his license and start earning, and he is going out of town spending $1000 on a trip that when he could be doing his first paid home inspections. In the mean time you are sacrificing to fund it.
I think that as long as he gets his momentum with the business and starts bringing in the money, it will work out and your frustration with family spending will ease. If he slows down again and starts doing a bunch of family trips, the proper response would be that you just can't afford it and he needs to start working on the business.
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on May 12, 2011 11:58:54 GMT -5
Actually Thyme "So, basically, you are frustrated because your husband gets everything that he wants and you don't get what you want" that's not accurate at all.
This has nothing to do with DH at all. I understood why he wanted to attend the wedding. He felt very obligated to go, because they had come to ours and he didn't want to upset his Aunt. I'm not the slightest bit upset with him. We made the decision together for him to go, but I was concerned about the costs from the beginning (as was he). This could have very well been written about an expense on my side of the family or one of my friends. As I stated, this was just one example of spending a lot of money on something you felt obligated to do and had to make a lot of sacrifices to do.
As we all know, there's only so much money in the pot and I certainly appreciate everything that everyone does for me. I just feel like lately we have been getting hit with tons of invitations and sometimes we attend events out of a sense of obligation. Because finances have been tight, those obligations cause a bit more stress now. Especially when we are giving up attending other events that we would like to meet our obligations.
And yes, his cousins did attend our wedding and I appreciate that they came from far away to celebrate our day with us, that is why is was so important for DH to attend theirs, it just hit us at a particularly bad time.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on May 12, 2011 12:01:43 GMT -5
This has nothing to do with DH at all. I understood why he wanted to attend the wedding. He felt very obligated to go, because they had come to ours and he didn't want to upset his Aunt. Adults don't HAVE to do anything. Why did his cousins HAVE to come to your wedding? To make the Aunt happy? You know, we can't control how others feel...
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on May 12, 2011 12:03:37 GMT -5
If it was something for your side of the family or your friends, then it would have been important to you - and you wouldn't be here saying that you don't get what you want. But, since it was important to your husband, and he spent the money (don't be fooled this wasn't some obligation - he wants to be there) then he gets what he wants, and you feel bitter. You couldn't afford to go, because you had to spend money on his family for mother's day. So again, he gets what is important to him, and you feel you are getting the shaft.
Take control.
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