trytofindbalance
Familiar Member
Joined: Mar 29, 2011 14:39:17 GMT -5
Posts: 683
|
Post by trytofindbalance on May 13, 2011 13:17:21 GMT -5
"Super, then everything after 3k he can keep or put toward family gifts but no fun money until all bills are paid."
MY POINT EXACTLY....I have explained this to him over and over again. BTW...with his $3000 contribution, I would be able to purchase gifts for family/friends. They are part of our budget; although I wouldn't spend as much as DH would.
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,486
|
Post by thyme4change on May 13, 2011 13:20:47 GMT -5
LOL - I guess man-logic and man-math is not a unique trait.
(Yes, I strongly believe that being good or bad with money is not related to your X and/or Y chromosomes. It was suppose to be trite humor.)
|
|
trytofindbalance
Familiar Member
Joined: Mar 29, 2011 14:39:17 GMT -5
Posts: 683
|
Post by trytofindbalance on May 13, 2011 13:21:48 GMT -5
stl76 - DH is a contractor. He couldn't do much work during the 6 week intensive course he took (it was very time consuming); however, he has been working during the mentored inspections process. He hasn't had much work (the original reason he went back to school), but things have picked up a little bit.
Last year he contributed about $25,000 (he went to school in August and September). This year has been really bad so far, about $1500 a month. So as you can see, it's quite a shortfall. I expected some of this, because I knew he had to concentrate on getting the inspections done and we had some truly awful weather in Jan, Feb and March so contracting was very slow. I do have a savings account to fall back on, but my point is, if he's going to be that short, we need to spend LESS NOT MORE on wants.
|
|
trytofindbalance
Familiar Member
Joined: Mar 29, 2011 14:39:17 GMT -5
Posts: 683
|
Post by trytofindbalance on May 13, 2011 13:24:33 GMT -5
BTW... I do have some padding in my budget. I have lowered all of my personal discretionary spending and I have tried to keep our household spending to a minimum. That is why spending $1000 on a wedding or $1000 on 20 birthday gifts seems absolutely crazy to me right now. That money needs to be used for other things.
|
|
|
Post by stl76 on May 13, 2011 13:30:50 GMT -5
"I do have a savings account to fall back on, but my point is, if he's going to be that short, we need to spend LESS NOT MORE on wants. "
I couldn't agree more.
|
|
trytofindbalance
Familiar Member
Joined: Mar 29, 2011 14:39:17 GMT -5
Posts: 683
|
Post by trytofindbalance on May 13, 2011 13:33:32 GMT -5
STL76 - he got offered a business partnership with his mentor. His mentor owns a very successful home inspection company and very well known. It's a great opportunity for DH. It will allow him to hit the ground running, without having to come up with money for start-up costs. He'll have accountability and structure. He'll also have some flexibility to continue to do contracting work.
The light is at the end of the tunnel. I anticipate that he should have his license some time in June. The board only meets once a month. He does have some potentially lucrative contracting work coming up when he gets back from the wedding...again, nothing is ever 100% until the job starts.
The last several months have been pathetic from an income standpoint. I get it, he had to complete 16 mentored inspections (he doesn't get paid for them) and he did get them done in a 6 week period (he had to wait for his mentor to be approved by his school...very long, annoying process).
So I get that things are likely going to change for the better. Keeping my fingers crossed. We still have to get through until the money starts coming in. There are no guarantees about how much he will be earning. It will take a while for us to figure everything out. This has been a long process. He started school last August. He was supposed to start in July and they kept postponing the start date, which caused DH to miss out on some jobs that he simply couldn't schedule. So I am at this point pretty well done.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,490
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 13, 2011 13:33:36 GMT -5
LOL - I guess man-logic and man-math is not a unique trait.
(Yes, I strongly believe that being good or bad with money is not related to your X and/or Y chromosomes. It was suppose to be trite humor.)
Heh, I agree with you. It's like they see a problem to solve and here is a solution so what part of it are you upset about honey?
|
|
resolution
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 13:09:56 GMT -5
Posts: 7,038
Mini-Profile Name Color: 305b2b
|
Post by resolution on May 13, 2011 13:35:58 GMT -5
If you haven't cut the cable yet, you should do so. Cut the riding lessons for your daughter until income picks up, unless she can contribute to the lessons with some babysitting money. Prepare a bland diet from budget ingredients like rice and beans. Let him know that luxuries are out and that the gifts this summer need to be home made, except for cheap things for young kids. Hopefully these measures will prevent you from having to pull from savings and also prevent things like the cable distracting him from work. If you still have your luxuries it may be contributing to his denial.
|
|
|
Post by stl76 on May 13, 2011 13:40:27 GMT -5
"So I get that things are likely going to change for the better. Keeping my fingers crossed. "
Don't just keep your fingers crossed, make your DH accountable for his share. He has been bringing in half of what he promised, and this half is not just a few hundred dollars that can be made up by cutting a few little things, it is $1500! If you don't start making him accountable now, my guess is his income will get eroded by gift giving, etc because all of a sudden he will feel like he's got money because he hasn't felt the pressure of bills before.
"Cut the riding lessons for your daughter until income picks up, unless she can contribute to the lessons with some babysitting money."
Why cut out something from their daughter when they can just cut out the travel/gifts for extended family!?
|
|
Sum Dum Gai
Senior Associate
Joined: Aug 15, 2011 15:39:24 GMT -5
Posts: 19,892
|
Post by Sum Dum Gai on May 13, 2011 13:40:46 GMT -5
Cut the riding lessons for your daughter until income picks up I understand where you're coming from, but there's no way in hell I'd cut our kid's activities while my wife was going to weddings of cousins she hadn't seen in ages, and buying birthday presents for everyone under the sun all summer. I mean, no way in HELL! My kids come first, period.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,490
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 13, 2011 13:41:42 GMT -5
I understand where you're coming from, but there's no way in hell I'd cut our kid's activities while my wife was going to weddings of cousins she hadn't seen in ages, and buying birthday presents for everyone under the sun all summer. I mean, no way in HELL! My kids come first, period. ![](http://us.social.s-msn.com/s/images/emoticons/thumbs_up.gif)
|
|
trytofindbalance
Familiar Member
Joined: Mar 29, 2011 14:39:17 GMT -5
Posts: 683
|
Post by trytofindbalance on May 13, 2011 13:49:02 GMT -5
kari - I actually did cut down to basic cable channels. DH isn't much of a T.V. watcher and we do need internet for work and DD for school. I did think about cutting the riding lessons. I'm going to mention it to DH when he gets back from FL. I also mentioned that I think I will have to wait to sign DD up for her puppy training class. DD just decided that she wants to go to a year end dance. The school has a strict dress code and DD doesn't have a dress with shoulders. I told DH we'll have to figure it out because I'm not buying a dress right now. We're going to have to have sit down DH and I and have a serious talk again about cutting back. My original point to this thread was about overspending on gifts while cutting back on ourselves during tough times. Most of the posters are somewhat aware of my situation. I know what's going on and we're working on correcting it. It probably still won't be fast enough for me ![:P](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/tongue.png) ; however, this really wasn't about that. I guess I'm feeling snarky that I'm making all kinds of sacrifices to keep our heads above water, but yet I'm supposed to cough up all kinds of money for gifts for people, who by the way, have no money themselves and could never spend that kind of money on me or my family (which is ok, because I totally understand that and don't expect them to).
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,486
|
Post by thyme4change on May 13, 2011 13:52:24 GMT -5
Not to sound racist, but is your husband's family latino? The big celebration/big gifts thing appears to be very culturally important, no matter how little money they have. I'm not judging - just noticing.
|
|
trytofindbalance
Familiar Member
Joined: Mar 29, 2011 14:39:17 GMT -5
Posts: 683
|
Post by trytofindbalance on May 13, 2011 13:53:29 GMT -5
And yes Dark and Drama....that is my point. Why should I take something away from my daughter, so that I can give gifts to other people. Surely she should come first (as their kids do to them). I don't mind giving a gift, I just don't think I have to spend $50 or more a kid/adult when there are so many parties this summer.
I don't mind giving things up for myself to give to my DD. But I'm not about to have both of us giving everything up so my husband can give his cousin some crazy amount for his wedding. He made some grumblings about "his family" this morning and I wanted to say (which I have before) that his family is sitting right in this house with him. We take priority.
|
|
trytofindbalance
Familiar Member
Joined: Mar 29, 2011 14:39:17 GMT -5
Posts: 683
|
Post by trytofindbalance on May 13, 2011 13:55:33 GMT -5
Nope Thyme...far from it. The are German/Polish. His mother had a terrible, terrible childhood, so she went completely the other way when she raised her kids. Made a huge deal out of every birthday and Christmas, now my husband's generation does the same thing. There's a big difference between doing it for 4 kids, then for 20 people.
|
|
Sum Dum Gai
Senior Associate
Joined: Aug 15, 2011 15:39:24 GMT -5
Posts: 19,892
|
Post by Sum Dum Gai on May 13, 2011 13:57:25 GMT -5
I just don't think I have to spend $50 or more a kid/adult when there are so many parties this summer. Then don't. Tell him money for that kind of thing isn't coming out of your general funds and let him find a way to pay for it if it's that important to him.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,490
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 13, 2011 13:58:34 GMT -5
He made some grumblings about "his family" this morning and I wanted to say (which I have before) that his family is sitting right in this house with him. We take priority.
I'd say it. Maybe he needs to hear you say it in order to get it cause clearly he isn't picking it up on his own.
Then I'd probably follow up with if they are that important he can go live with them, but I'll admit I am a button pusher so you probably should not use that last part.
I've done it because it came down to DH choosing either stay tied to your mommy's apron strings or be with me cause I sure as hell ain't attaching myself to her apron strings.
That's what spurred him on. We had bumps along the road and have had new parent squabbles over who gets to see DD this time and who gets what holiday, but overall the consensus is that DD and I come FIRST.
He does nothing and spends nothing that would come at our expense. Which is again why we skipped Christmas 2009. Sure it would have made his immediate family happy and he would have liked to attend but could have been putting our unborn child at risk and he decided to put her (and my proxy since I was carrying her, me) first.
We all lived and the world did not stop spinning. Your DH may need to be pushed to get that you aren't coming in second place to his family anymore.
|
|
resolution
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 13:09:56 GMT -5
Posts: 7,038
Mini-Profile Name Color: 305b2b
|
Post by resolution on May 13, 2011 14:02:07 GMT -5
I'm not trying to penalize your daughter, but my concern is some of the suggestions are to cut off the power or default on some necesities in DH's name. I looked at the old thread and you were close to $2,000 in the red each month. In this thread you are talking about having to cut all household spending to a minimum and juggling money around to pay basic expenses like a mortgage. If you have the savings to sustain it all until things get rolling, then you don't need the cuts. If you don't have the savings to sustain it, then I think it would be sending the wrong message to the daughter to let the power get cut off while still paying for the horse. I can also see the potential for DH to not take cuts seriously if he still has all the lifestyle perks like the horse, the cable tv, expensive groceries, etc. Anyway I wasn't trying to hurt DD, just that there were a lot of other luxuries in the budget in addition to DH's spending and they all need to be looked at before letting basic bills go unpaid.
ETA I agree the gifts need to be cut off too and since he is home he can bake or something.
|
|
trytofindbalance
Familiar Member
Joined: Mar 29, 2011 14:39:17 GMT -5
Posts: 683
|
Post by trytofindbalance on May 13, 2011 14:11:07 GMT -5
"Your DH may need to be pushed to get that you aren't coming in second place to his family anymore. " True statement. When DH gets back from the wedding, I am going to have a talk with him about this. We have before, but I'll say it again. We have some other additional family events coming up. His family wants to do an annual campout at our house. Everyone sets up tents and the kids love it. It's a lot of fun for everyone. Everyone usually brings stuff, but it still ends up costing us money. I'll remind DH that we promised DD a graduation party in June, so we're going to have to sit down and look at the budget.
I think the main issue here is that it's very hard to get any kind of handle on the budget. That seems to be the crux of the issue. It's very hard to say "hey we only have x coming in in the next 2 months so let's sit down and figure out what we're going to spend it on" At this point we don't know what's coming in and if we're only counting on my income then we're not going to have enough to cover the bills.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,490
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 13, 2011 14:16:59 GMT -5
What about a finanical planner? That's what a couple seeing my current marriage counseler did after they pissed away $200k. They too apparently felt they had no control over their finances and the planner helped them sort it all out.
Sometimes a fresh set of eyes is what is needed, you could get the same advice here on YM for free.
In both cases though you and your DH will have to be 100% open to everything that is suggested and try not to get your feathers ruffled. I can't really see your DH doing that, but it might be worth dragging him to a financal planner anyhow.
My DH does a lot better when he hears it from someone else instead of me. I am nagging about our money, a finanical planner is giving him "advice". Irritates the crap out of me, but hey if he listens it's worth it.
|
|
trytofindbalance
Familiar Member
Joined: Mar 29, 2011 14:39:17 GMT -5
Posts: 683
|
Post by trytofindbalance on May 13, 2011 14:18:40 GMT -5
Kari - I have been getting by using some savings to cover shortfalls and cutting back. DH has also been bringing in some income. I do not want to take "wants" out of my savings account. We have used more then I am comfortable with. We have also aquired some credit card debt over this time. One was a zero percent offer that we used to pay for DH's schooling and some other expenses. The other was for emergency repairs to DH truck. What was supposed to be under $1000, ended up costing us $5000. There was absolutely nothing we could do about and we need the vehicle for DH to get back and forth to jobs and inspections. There is no way we could get by on one vehicle. I work an hour from our house and there would be way to many scheduling conflicts.
I am working on paying these off and I don't want to add anything to this debt.
|
|
qofcc
Well-Known Member
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 13:30:58 GMT -5
Posts: 1,869
|
Post by qofcc on May 13, 2011 14:20:15 GMT -5
Just a few comments... I don't see how adding his name to the utility bills will help his credit, I've never seen a utility bill on a credit report unless it went to collections, but you should open a joint card or a card in just his name that you use for at least a little purchase and pay off each month. Maybe a card for the gas for his truck even if it's a prepaid card. If you (as a couple) don't rebuild his credit, then you (as an individual) are always going to be the one responsible for everything.
As far as your daughter's dress... if she already has a dress she likes, maybe you can get out the sewing machine and attach a shawl around the shoulders (like a 40's dress) or find a tiny cardigan or bolero jacket to cover her shoulders.... if not, try the thrift stores.
As to the gifts, if he's buying a present, then he can be creative and find a $20 gift on sale that LOOKS like a $50 gift.
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,486
|
Post by thyme4change on May 13, 2011 14:21:13 GMT -5
Why not just put the house up for sale?
You can cut all the pennies you want, but until you make that one deep cut to the heart of the problem, it won't really get any better. I know you are optomistic about your husband's future business - but how long are you going to live in agony before he actually starts making decent money? You can always buy another house in a couple years, if you have the money. Just sell the house, live somewhere cheaper for a while and ditch all this stress.
|
|
trytofindbalance
Familiar Member
Joined: Mar 29, 2011 14:39:17 GMT -5
Posts: 683
|
Post by trytofindbalance on May 13, 2011 14:37:52 GMT -5
Hey Thyme - I have thought about selling the house, even mentioned it to DH (he wasn't too happy about it). I told him that I could not afford to pay for all of these bills, so if things continued going the way they were going, we would have to consider selling the house. Unfortunately, it's easier said then done. I would certainly lose my entire $ 40,000 deposit and who knows, maybe more. I'm not saying it's not an option and it's not out of the question, I'm just not so sure that now, while I'm still paying the bills and DH is just about to get started to doing inspections, that this would be a great decision in this real estate market. Also, rents are very, very high here. We would need to rent a house (DH needs a garage for all of his contracting equipment) so I'm not sure how much we would be actually saving. To lose my initial down payment (maybe more), pay for moving expenses, etc and end up paying close to what we're paying and getting no tax credit for the mortgage interest, may be a bit premature.
|
|
trytofindbalance
Familiar Member
Joined: Mar 29, 2011 14:39:17 GMT -5
Posts: 683
|
Post by trytofindbalance on May 13, 2011 14:40:03 GMT -5
I just want to say that I am not near bankruptcy or foreclosure.
I am just fustrated that we are taking our limited resources and using them to pay for wedding expenses and expensive gifts for other people. I think that DH wants to do it all and he doesn't want to understand (because he does understand) that we can't do it all.
|
|
|
Post by stl76 on May 13, 2011 14:55:52 GMT -5
"It seems like your DH doesn't want to admit to his family that he can't afford to spend what he used to before."
Actually I dont think he could really afford it before either. Didn't she say he had credit card debt and bad credit...
|
|
trytofindbalance
Familiar Member
Joined: Mar 29, 2011 14:39:17 GMT -5
Posts: 683
|
Post by trytofindbalance on May 13, 2011 15:01:18 GMT -5
qofcc...yes, I have a few little jackets that we are going to try with her dresses. I think we'll be able to make it work.
I agree about putting his name on the utility bills. When I bought the house I just called and had the utilities turned on in my name...I never thought about adding his after we got married. I also would never put his name on bills were my interest rate could be affected due to his bad credit (like a mortgage or a car loan), just didn't make sense to our overall financial picture. Why pay 8 or 9% on a mortgage, when I can pay 5%?
The plan is for him to get his own credit card for things like gas when he gets his business going, then he can build his credit and have his own card to charge on. I will not put his name on my credit card accounts. I have a card with a lifetime interest rate of 5.99%, I usually do not carry a balance, but I am now while paying off the truck repairs. I will not jeopardize my interest rate so he can build his credit, he'll have to put his big boy pants on and get his own card and pay for it.
|
|
trytofindbalance
Familiar Member
Joined: Mar 29, 2011 14:39:17 GMT -5
Posts: 683
|
Post by trytofindbalance on May 13, 2011 15:03:12 GMT -5
stl76 - DH did not have credit cards when I met him. He did have bad credit from a business that failed a long time ago and for some personal bad decisions.
Your right, he probably couldn't truly afford those gifts before either, that is why bills went unpaid and his credit ended up suffering.
|
|
lurkyloo
Junior Associate
“Time means nothing now,” said Toad. “It is just the thing that happens between snacks.”
Joined: Jan 8, 2011 11:26:56 GMT -5
Posts: 5,782
|
Post by lurkyloo on May 13, 2011 15:26:37 GMT -5
I'd suggest that you put an absolute cap of $15 or so per person on the birthday gifts, etc. Everyone gets a $15 iTunes gift card, or if it's so important to your DH he can go put in the shopping legwork to get an appropriate $50 gift for a total outlay of $15. If he wants to spend more than that, he has to first earn enough to cover his expected 3K/mo contribution, then whatever he earns after that can go towards gifts. And if he gets a job that would conflict with a party the job comes first--period. You can volunteer to attend the party in his stead and represent. I get the urge to play hero, and even more the urge to get the perfect present for everyone. But again, the bottom line is that his hero urges are actively hurting his primary family. I think you've got every right to feel that you've slipped down his list of priorities, and we welcome venting about that here (it gives the rest of us something constructive to do with our workdays ;D) I also think that to make your marriage work, or any marriage work, you're going to have to strike a compromise. In principle, I agree that your husband is being quite unreasonable, but I don't think he's going to agree with either of us, so you're going to have to throw him a bone ($300 worth of them, in my plan, plus some of your time) to get this to work. I'd further suggest you start negotiations offering a $10 gift card per person to allow some room for negotiations ![:P](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/tongue.png) Regarding the wedding, I think you're doing the right thing by just letting spending money and gift money be his problem, and giving him some space to reflect on how unfair life is. Good luck!
|
|
trytofindbalance
Familiar Member
Joined: Mar 29, 2011 14:39:17 GMT -5
Posts: 683
|
Post by trytofindbalance on May 13, 2011 15:59:14 GMT -5
lurkyloo - I agree with everything you said 100%. I am going to talk with DH when he gets back from the wedding. Believe me I have had these discussions with him many times before with regards to gift giving or any other purchases for that matter. I have repeatedly told him that the $3000 contribution comes first (then we would have a little bit more to spend on gifts) and then all the extras. Unfortunately, it hasn't been working out that way in the real world.
He's not stupid, he gets what I'm saying, he just wants it his way.
|
|