|
Post by stl76 on May 13, 2011 7:54:20 GMT -5
"I doubt anyone would be saying the same in the reverse. "By gosh, I am going to cut my wife's spending off at the knees". "
If the wife is spending the money they don't have on gifts (and you can only give so many useful gifts, after that it starts becoming a waste of money), they should say the same in reverse. Personally, I don't think a husband should have to take care of his wife, it should be a joint effort. The only man that should be taking care of a woman is their father! (and the only woman that should be taking care of a man is their mother). I know everybody thinks differently about this situation but I am against any type of stay-at-home anybody (wife, husband, mom, dad, ...). In a marriage both parties are adults (otherwise illegal at least in this country), neither should have to carry the burden of making money to pay the bills alone.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Jun 21, 2024 15:03:26 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 13, 2011 8:21:12 GMT -5
"I doubt anyone would be saying the same in the reverse. "By gosh, I am going to cut my wife's spending off at the knees". " If the wife is spending the money they don't have on gifts (and you can only give so many useful gifts, after that it starts becoming a waste of money), they should say the same in reverse. Personally, I don't think a husband should have to take care of his wife, it should be a joint effort. The only man that should be taking care of a woman is their father! (and the only woman that should be taking care of a man is their mother). I know everybody thinks differently about this situation but I am against any type of stay-at-home anybody (wife, husband, mom, dad, ...). In a marriage both parties are adults (otherwise illegal at least in this country), neither should have to carry the burden of making money to pay the bills alone. I'd agree with you if kids aren't involved. Then I see absolutely no problem with someone being a SAHM/SAHD. If we had the money, one of us would stay home with the baby in a heartbeat. And I don't see that as the person staying at home not being an "adult" - they're keeping up the house and taking care of a child.
|
|
|
Post by stl76 on May 13, 2011 8:35:07 GMT -5
"I'd agree with you if kids aren't involved. Then I see absolutely no problem with someone being a SAHM/SAHD. If we had the money, one of us would stay home with the baby in a heartbeat. And I don't see that as the person staying at home not being an "adult" - they're keeping up the house and taking care of a child. "
I see your point and it is definitely a personal preference. I just think that being the only breadwinner puts way too much pressure on the person who is employed. Plus with a ridiculous 50%+ divorce rate, both parties would benefit from staying employed. For the stay-at-home, it would be beneficial because they wouldnt have to worry about "how" to get back in the job market and more importantly, for the working parent, hopefully they wouldnt have to pay alimony/child support (which I am 95% against, 5% is for special cases).
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Jun 21, 2024 15:03:26 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 13, 2011 8:38:41 GMT -5
"I'd agree with you if kids aren't involved. Then I see absolutely no problem with someone being a SAHM/SAHD. If we had the money, one of us would stay home with the baby in a heartbeat. And I don't see that as the person staying at home not being an "adult" - they're keeping up the house and taking care of a child. " I see your point and it is definitely a personal preference. I just think that being the only breadwinner puts way too much pressure on the person who is employed. Plus with a ridiculous 50%+ divorce rate, both parties would benefit from staying employed. For the stay-at-home, it would be beneficial because they wouldnt have to worry about "how" to get back in the job market and more importantly, for the working parent, hopefully they wouldnt have to pay alimony/child support (which I am 95% against, 5% is for special cases). yes, I see your points. I know if I was a SAHM, I'd probably still work PT because it's nice to have some extra cash and you're right - you never know when you will have to go back into the workforce full time. ETA: child support has nothing to do with whether the other partner works or not, it's about parental obligation to the child.
|
|
swamp
Community Leader
Don't be a fool. Call me!
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 16:03:22 GMT -5
Posts: 45,395
|
Post by swamp on May 13, 2011 9:49:58 GMT -5
TTFB, I think from your first thread and even this one that your DH sounds like a very caring person who loves his family. Sometimes that great guy who loves his family forgets that he chose to create another family and his love for his old family is shortchanging the new family.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,490
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 13, 2011 9:53:50 GMT -5
Sometimes that great guy who loves his family forgets that he chose to create another family and his love for his old family is shortchanging the new family. ![](http://us.social.s-msn.com/s/images/emoticons/thumbs_up.gif) We thought we had it all figured out till we had a kid. All the old crap came back to the forefront once DD was born.
|
|
trytofindbalance
Familiar Member
Joined: Mar 29, 2011 14:39:17 GMT -5
Posts: 683
|
Post by trytofindbalance on May 13, 2011 11:16:50 GMT -5
STL76 "And what is wrong with the MIL who gets upset over getting only 1 gift " Yup she actually started crying over this. I think she was just upset about breaking family tradition and Christmas was always a very, very big deal in their house growing up. Tons of presents and a huge celebration. Since her divorce, things haven't been the same and I think it really hurts her. I don't think she meant to come off like a selfish, spoiled brat...but she did. She doesn't have any money and she's terrible with it when she gets it. She still buys lots for the Grandkiddos at Christmas and it probably is a super hardship due to her finances. She actually stopped buying her kids & their spouses b-day gifts last year for awhile, everyone was a bit taken aback, but I was totally fine with it. If she doesn't have the money, then don't spend it...really, I don't need or want the gift, get me a card and come celebrate with me and I'll be just fine.
|
|
trytofindbalance
Familiar Member
Joined: Mar 29, 2011 14:39:17 GMT -5
Posts: 683
|
Post by trytofindbalance on May 13, 2011 11:19:28 GMT -5
Swamp "Sometimes that great guy who loves his family forgets that he chose to create another family and his love for his old family is shortchanging the new family"
You hit the nail on the head. I actually teared up a bit when I read this. He is a great guy. He does care about everyone and he trys hard to make everyone happy. He just seems to forget that life changes when you get married and have a family of your own...they become the priority. His siblings all have a difficult time with these boundries as well. He's getting better, but believe me, we had many disagreements about this exact subject.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,490
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 13, 2011 11:30:24 GMT -5
Urgh, my in-laws are still dealing with being tied to their parents apron strings. My BIL is the worst offender, my SIL is really afraid of what is going to happen when his parents die and they are no longer around to bail him out.
Different subject than yours, but I just wanted to say from the spouse perspective I get it. It's almost lead all of us to get divorced/break up at various points in time when they don't want to accept that we are a family unit that comes over their parents.
DH got good about it once we moved clear across town instead of two streets down. He's gotten even better since we had a child, he wants to spend time with her more than he wants to shuttle around to every graduation party his mother tells us about.
|
|
|
Post by stl76 on May 13, 2011 11:31:24 GMT -5
"You hit the nail on the head. I actually teared up a bit when I read this. He is a great guy. He does care about everyone and he trys hard to make everyone happy..."
Yes he is so thoughtful of others and cares about others to the extend that he comes across as he doesn't care about you. Not only he doesn't contribute to the household but he expects you to figure out the bills AND the endless GENEROUS gifts. God forbid if he finds out that you are spending $20 on a $50 gift! He leaves it all up to you to figure it out. Before you set a precidence of him expecting to be taken care of by you (may be too late), take care of this so you don't end up resenting more and more everyday until your marriage is over.
|
|
trytofindbalance
Familiar Member
Joined: Mar 29, 2011 14:39:17 GMT -5
Posts: 683
|
Post by trytofindbalance on May 13, 2011 11:31:37 GMT -5
UPDATE....DH and I ended up in an argument last night about the wedding. A few weeks ago I had put money aside for a gift and some spending money for him. He knew that during that 3 week period I needed him to bring in $1500, he could only come up with $500, so I needed to use that money (and some money from savings) to pay the bills. Anyway, he knew that and I was just waiting for him to ask about spending money (I knew he didn't have much) and the gift.
Well, last night at 8:30 he comes to me and asks if he can just put about $200 on the credit card for spending money during the trip. He has a job he's doing for my parents when he gets back, so he figured I could just take the money from that job to pay off the credit card. Problem is that I need the money from any job he has to just pay bills (and credit card balances due to $5000 of repairs to his truck). I told him that we can't spend the same money 5 different times. He asked me to leave the room and it escalated from there. I admit I was not very nice. I told him that he knew about the wedding for 2 months, knew what it was going to cost, I told him what he needed to do and he didn't come through, so now it somehow turns into my problem as usual. He clearly started feeling a little sorry for himself and muttered something about not wanting to be a burden (manipulation at it's finest). Anyway, he left this morning with us barely talking. I did not give him money for a gift and I know he doesn't have one. When I asked him about it, he told me not to worry about it (again feeling sorry for himself). This is what infuriates me. How many times do I have to explain that bills come first. Frankly, I think he's acting like a spoiled brat and I'm tired of it. He made some comment last night about "oh I guess all my money has to go to bills"....Umm, yeah, all mine does and mine goes to pay for plenty of crap for him too. Where the F@ck does he think I'm just going to keep pulling money out of??? Rant over....just needed to blow off some steam.
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 13, 2011 11:38:41 GMT -5
How did you respond to his comment about "oh I guess all my money has to go to bills" at the time? Did you actually tell him that that is where all of yours goes?
|
|
|
Post by stl76 on May 13, 2011 11:40:18 GMT -5
"Frankly, I think he's acting like a spoiled brat and I'm tired of it. He made some comment last night about "oh I guess all my money has to go to bills"....Umm, yeah, all mine does and mine goes to pay for plenty of crap for him too. Where the F@ck does he think I'm just going to keep pulling money out of??? Rant over....just needed to blow off some steam. "
He is acting like an entitled, selfish prick! You have let him get away with NOT contributing to the household for too long, now he thinks he is entitled to it. When he is not keeping up his end of the bargain financially, yes all of his money will have to go to the bills. Glad to hear that you stuck up for yourself.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,490
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 13, 2011 11:40:43 GMT -5
You better watch that he doesn't go out and put money on the credit card regardless. I'd warn him that if he dares go behind your back and uses the CC that there is going to be hell to pay for it.
You had every right to be mean about it because it isn't sinking in. I've even asked marital counselers what EXACTLY am I supposed to do when the nice approach doesn't work hmmm?
Sometimes when people are that dense you gotta pull out all the stops and just be downright mean about it. Hurt feelings are worth it if it finally sinks in that things are bad and need to change NOW.
footing around and making things work while reminding him of the situation obviously has not panned out for you. Might be time to be a ball-cutter and draw the line in the sand.
|
|
|
Post by stl76 on May 13, 2011 11:41:28 GMT -5
"A few weeks ago I had put money aside for a gift and some spending money for him. "
You are not his mother! You do not need to set aside money for this stuff. He knew what the cost was. He should have taken a PT job, side job, whatever to make this money (AFTER helping out with the bills of course).
|
|
swamp
Community Leader
Don't be a fool. Call me!
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 16:03:22 GMT -5
Posts: 45,395
|
Post by swamp on May 13, 2011 11:42:51 GMT -5
You had every right to be mean about it because it isn't sinking in. I've even asked marital counselers what EXACTLY am I supposed to do when the nice approach doesn't work hmmm? What did they say you're supposed to do?
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,490
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 13, 2011 11:45:19 GMT -5
What did they say you're supposed to do? Well the one didn't have an answer for me. The last counseler that I've been seeing told me that sometimes you do need to really put his/her feet in the fire and let them suffer severe consequnces for their actions. A poster on here told me about a friend who let everything get shut off and bills go into collections. Took that much to get her spouse to finally get on board. Then the counseler told me she had a couple that it took getting a $200k windfall and pissing it all away before they finally got it. I asked on WHAT? Naturally she couldn't answer but yee Gods how can you make $200k just disappear?! ![:o](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/shocked.png) Took DH possibly having to ask his mother for money before he got it. He'd rather die than ask his mother for money because of all the crap that comes with it, but it took getting to that point before he accepted we had a problem.
|
|
|
Post by stl76 on May 13, 2011 11:45:43 GMT -5
Let him feel sorry for himself. Don't feel sorry for him, don't give into his manipulation tactics. Do not budge even if he "promises" to make this money back up. Apparently, he has made all kinds of promises and haven't come through on any so he needs to learn his lesson. And this lesson maybe showing up without a gift and being embarrassed (because of the way his family is). Maybe then it will sink in. It seems you have always given in so this time don't!
|
|
trytofindbalance
Familiar Member
Joined: Mar 29, 2011 14:39:17 GMT -5
Posts: 683
|
Post by trytofindbalance on May 13, 2011 11:48:54 GMT -5
Zib " Does he really understand that there are serious money issues or because you juggle Peter to pay Paul, it hasn't affected him?"
I think he does understand in his own way, not in mine. I am a planner and projector by nature and handle all of the finances where I work. I am very conservative about saving for the future. I believe that I need to be prepared to take care of myself if I ever want to retire. AND YES, I have been there to "bail" him out all along. He knows I'll do whatever it takes to get those bills paid (they are all in my name).
He understands that money is tight, he understands all of the numbers. He can clearly see that 1 +1 does not equal 3, but I think he's either in denial or just thinking that he'll deal with it later. Maybe he feels like he's caught between a rock and hard place because he knows I am angry and disappointed, but he feels that he is trying to make things better. He's not much of a spender on himself and he saves us tons of money fixing everything and anything, so maybe that's how he justifies it...I'm not sure.
I've been over the numbers time and time again and believe me he is quite smart so he gets it. He just says that he's doing everything he can to make things better. Again, I am dissatisfied because it isn't quick enough and things are getting worse, not better. I have lost my patience with this whole process and I'm just plain ol' sick and tired of waiting for things to turn around.
I rationally understand that he is working on getting the business together and that it's going to take more time. It's just that every time I really start to struggle with the bills, I start to lose it. I can see a faint light at the end of the tunnel, but it's not like he just landed a job with x salary, so we're still not sure what will be coming in and when. Makes it super hard to plan financially.
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,486
|
Post by thyme4change on May 13, 2011 11:52:07 GMT -5
{{snort}} You, and just about every other adult in the history of bills. Sheesh. Does he think groceries magically fall from the sky and the utility companies keep electricity flowing just for fun? LOL.
I'm laughing now, because we all have been through a time when we've had to grow up. And we've all been around while someone we love is growing up. It sucks - both times. I think I'd rather go through Jr. High again than have to make that transition to adulthood again.
|
|
trytofindbalance
Familiar Member
Joined: Mar 29, 2011 14:39:17 GMT -5
Posts: 683
|
Post by trytofindbalance on May 13, 2011 12:00:41 GMT -5
stl76 - I do agree with you about letting him feel sorry for himself. I can't help but to feel bad. I wouldn't want to be out of State with no money either, but then I think about all the times that I've had to spend savings, earmarked for other things, to make up for his shortfalls. It's very difficult for me. I do love my husband, I'm just very fustrated and I'm tired of being put in this position. The only way it's going to change is if DH starts earning a reasonable living. There is no other way, it's going to straighten itself out. I've done everything to be as supportive as possible and I'm at the end of my rope.
|
|
trytofindbalance
Familiar Member
Joined: Mar 29, 2011 14:39:17 GMT -5
Posts: 683
|
Post by trytofindbalance on May 13, 2011 12:04:42 GMT -5
Yeah Thyme...I almost laughed when he said it. I didn't reply at the time, there was so much being said, I didn't have the opportunity, but I will say something when he gets home. Ummmm....yeah, what did you think, that I was going to find a way to pay all the bills and whatever you earned was pocket money for your pleasure? ![???](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/huh.png) ? I don't actually think he meant it that way though. He gives me almost all of the money he earns and I use it to pay for whatever. I think he meant that if he's contributing, why can't he have some control over where some of the money goes and why can't he choose to use it for spending money this weekend. I get it, but when you're not contributing enough to cover your portion of the bills, there isn't anything left over for fun.
|
|
trytofindbalance
Familiar Member
Joined: Mar 29, 2011 14:39:17 GMT -5
Posts: 683
|
Post by trytofindbalance on May 13, 2011 12:07:23 GMT -5
Oh and by the way, all of my money goes to bills. It's not like I'm running around buying clothes, getting my nails done or going out with friends...there is no money for that right now. DH gave me $50 for Mother's Day (very unlike him, he usually always buys gifts for special occassions, but maybe he was waiting to see if he had any money left after some BBQ expenses); anyway, I put it in the bank to pay the mortgage.
|
|
Sum Dum Gai
Senior Associate
Joined: Aug 15, 2011 15:39:24 GMT -5
Posts: 19,892
|
Post by Sum Dum Gai on May 13, 2011 12:10:08 GMT -5
He knows I'll do whatever it takes to get those bills paid (they are all in my name). Why? This seems pretty common on this board, whenever a woman posts about a spouse that's not contributing much financially invariably all the bills are in her name. I just don't get it.
|
|
|
Post by stl76 on May 13, 2011 12:11:37 GMT -5
"Again, I am dissatisfied because it isn't quick enough and things are getting worse, not better. I have lost my patience with this whole process and I'm just plain ol' sick and tired of waiting for things to turn around."
Well he gave you an estimate on when/how much he would be bringing in so you both made plans according to that. But he hasnt lived up to his end of the bargain. So what is stopping him from getting a PT job or anything while the business is slowly happening??
"stl76 - I do agree with you about letting him feel sorry for himself. I can't help but to feel bad. I wouldn't want to be out of State with no money either,.."
Nobody does and I can understand you feel bad for him but you wouldn't be doing either one of you any favors if you bail him out again. This is the perfect opportunity to give him a wake up call. You simply do not have the money. At home, since the bills are in your name, if you didn't pay for something, he probably wouldn't care but this is something that he cares about and that is how he will have to learn, the hard way! I'd say you have been plenty supportive (a lot more supportive than I ever would), it makes me cringe to even think that you have been putting your own family in the backburner, stressing over money all on your own, starting to resent him and his family so he can make his gazillion relatives and his selfish mother happy with gifts!!! NO NO NO! Enough is enough. DO NOT GIVE IN! And from this point on, stop setting so much money aside for gifts. He is not helping with the bills so he will have to get gifts with whatever you give him (personally at this point I would cut it all out, his gift giving does not come before bills or savings).
|
|
swamp
Community Leader
Don't be a fool. Call me!
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 16:03:22 GMT -5
Posts: 45,395
|
Post by swamp on May 13, 2011 12:12:31 GMT -5
He knows I'll do whatever it takes to get those bills paid (they are all in my name). Why? This seems pretty common on this board, whenever a woman posts about a spouse that's not contributing much financially invariably all the bills are in her name. I just don't get it. Because they're more of a mommy than a wife. However, in my case, most of the utilities were in my name and it's only because DH had to work on the day we moved into our house, so I did the calling. The credit cards are generally mine, and I'm not really sure why. The house, however, is in both our names.
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 13, 2011 12:18:13 GMT -5
He knows I'll do whatever it takes to get those bills paid (they are all in my name). Why? This seems pretty common on this board, whenever a woman posts about a spouse that's not contributing much financially invariably all the bills are in her name. I just don't get it. Because they're more of a mommy than a wife. However, in my case, most of the utilities were in my name and it's only because DH had to work on the day we moved into our house, so I did the calling. The credit cards are generally mine, and I'm not really sure why. The house, however, is in both our names. House is in DH's name. Utilities are in both names. And we each have at least 1 cc in our own name but we mainly use his. DH bought the house before we met and we've procrastinated on the paperwork to get me on the deed. DH does the finances although we're slowing working on that as well as figuring out a better budget for us. But we're a team.
|
|
swamp
Community Leader
Don't be a fool. Call me!
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 16:03:22 GMT -5
Posts: 45,395
|
Post by swamp on May 13, 2011 12:19:11 GMT -5
:: But we're a team:: Which is the important part. ![](http://us.social.s-msn.com/s/images/emoticons/thumbs_up.gif)
|
|
|
Post by stl76 on May 13, 2011 12:20:17 GMT -5
"DH gave me $50 for Mother's Day (very unlike him, he usually always buys gifts for special occassions, but maybe he was waiting to see if he had any money left after some BBQ expenses)"
WOW! When he is so generous with gifts (bought with your money) for everybody else, doesn't this hurt your feelings? Maybe he gave you cash because he knew you would put it towards bills, then he can act like he helped out with bills? I am sorry but I just don't see which part of this guy is so great...
"Why? This seems pretty common on this board, whenever a woman posts about a spouse that's not contributing much financially invariably all the bills are in her name. I just don't get it. "
Yes, why is this?? Why are they all in your name?? This is one of the reasons he doesnt feel he has to do all he can to help pay for the bills. Please please please stop covering up for his portion of expenses!
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Jun 21, 2024 15:03:26 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 13, 2011 12:22:23 GMT -5
I started the cable bill and renter's insurance, but I put DH on both after we got married. I think the electric bill and the cell phone bills are in his name though.
|
|