happyscooter
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Post by happyscooter on May 12, 2011 12:08:30 GMT -5
Ughh... I just found out about this wedding last night. I asked him if we were sent an invitation, he said no. I asked him if he wanted to go, he said "Umm sorta" ...
AGAIN, NO INVITE. WHAT ARE YOU STRESSING ABOUT?
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 12, 2011 12:10:13 GMT -5
felt very obligated to go, because they had come to ours and he didn't want to upset his Aunt
Oh lord, I know that attitude and it gets you into more pickles than it is worth.
I had an argument with my grandmother because someone invited her to a wedding shower and she felt I should invite this person to my baby shower.
I HATE this person, I cannot stand to even be in the same room as her, why would I invite her to my shower? I told my grandmother the answer was no, I am not obligated to invite someone who invited HER to a shower.
That's also why our guest list nearly totaled 500 in the planning stages because DH "had been invited to their wedding/birthday party/graduation party .. you get the idea".
I had to get thru to him that there is only so much money to go around and that "so and so's cousin" is seriously not going to care about being invited to our wedding and probably invited you out of some notion of obligation since you were family.
It's a hard trap to get out of but you CAN get out of it if you really want to. Take control like Wasting said.
Little secret I had people who were RELIEVED to not be invited to my wedding out of obligation because they were "family". Sometimes all it takes is one person to break the cycle and you have tons of people breathing a huge sigh of relief.
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on May 12, 2011 12:10:32 GMT -5
Kari - yes, you are right about some of my feelings. DH did finish his last mentored inspection yesterday and now has to wait for the Board to review his paperwork for him to get his license so the wedding isn't holding him up and we did know about it in advance.
I guess I am just getting impatient for things to ease up and this again is a reminder of a good chunk of money being spent when we're really not in the position to do it. It doesn't matter who the event was for, but if if was a family member of mine I probably would have had an easier time saying no.
Giramomma - I do agree with you that there are times that both my self and one of my SIL's (married into the family) both feel a little overwhelmed with all the extended family events. We both have our own families and friends that we like to spend time with and we both work full time (my SIL's do not) so spending every weekend on DH's family events can be a bit of overkill. We have pared down our time spent and DH does finally understand that we just can't attend every single ball game or Sunday dinner. We have our own family and mine and we have to spend time doing other things as well. I have learned that it is very important to DH that he attend all birthday parties for his family and I understand...it's all about compromise. I gave and he gave. It still gets to be a little much throughout the summer, but I just suck it up.
DH and I discussed this and I did agree that he should attend, so this isn't about him pushing me to go. I felt too that it was the right thing to do, I was just very concerned about the money and the timing (because of his new business).
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sil
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Post by sil on May 12, 2011 12:17:01 GMT -5
In my case, I think part of my resentment about social obligations isnt only due to the financials. Around the time I got married, and especially after having kids, it seemed like social expectations really changed and I think I developed an anxiety issue about the social events.
After DS was born, I got so fed up with the social expectations that I completely shut down. Family was more insistant that we attend all functions, because of course they wanted to see the baby. But I was struggling. I remember having a very hard time with BFing, and my DS would go into hysterics if he wasnt fed immediately and I struggled with using a nursing wrap. It was rare that I could find a room with a lock whenever I was at someone's home and restaurants were just awkward. I HATED social events at this stage and was really resentful everytime we had to go anywhere.
When DS got a bit older, BF was easier, but I was still struggling because DH's family celebrates events late in the evening (Christmas gifts arent opened until Midnight, for example) and my colicky baby was cranky (read - screaming his head off) at every party. Still HATED social events at this stage.
I think that's when the bitterness really started to come out for me, and it started causing arguements between me and DH. I also started to realize that I might have some sort of social anxiety issues. We now take 2 cars to almost every event so I can exit whenever I want to (admittedly, I use my kids as an excuse). DH is also much better about "brokering" family events. (Now family knows that if they want to watch my kids open gifts on Christmas Eve, they have to give them the presents before we leave at 8pm) Otherwise, we'll send them a picture of the kids opening their presents on Christmas morning.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on May 12, 2011 12:20:02 GMT -5
Similar to what dq said--when we can't afford a gift, we don't get one and no one notices or minds. I really think people do appreciate it when someone speaks up about keeping costs down.
For the bday parties--if it isn't a place that you would want to go to dinner to together anyway, maybe invite people over for dessert, and maybe wine (depending on how many people)? You supply the cake/ice cream and still get to visit with everyone.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2011 12:21:03 GMT -5
Having moved 2000 miles away from all our family, this is come up a lot with my wife and I. We started drawing the line a number of years ago and stick to it. Family knows we will come visit a MAXIMUM of once a year, but more likely every other year. That's it. Most of them are retired and we have a spare bedroom.
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on May 12, 2011 12:21:16 GMT -5
Thyme - you make some very good points. I actually didn't think of it this way
"If it was something for your side of the family or your friends, then it would have been important to you - and you wouldn't be here saying that you don't get what you want. But, since it was important to your husband, and he spent the money (don't be fooled this wasn't some obligation - he wants to be there) then he gets what he wants, and you feel bitter. You couldn't afford to go, because you had to spend money on his family for mother's day. So again, he gets what is important to him, and you feel you are getting the shaft."
I will tell you that I do still feel the stress when it is something for one of my friends or family members. I guess it all boils down to the fact that there is only so much income coming in and at this point most of it is coming from me. I guess that I feel like I make a lot of sacrifices to pay for things for other people and DH, while shortchanging myself and sometimes my family members (because my mother is always going to understand and doesn't want me stressed about money). I also feel like we have a tremendous amount of obligations between both families and friends and we spend a lot each year on gifts and events, which can be difficult when money is tight.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on May 12, 2011 12:27:32 GMT -5
Oops - sorry I was posting #18 when you were posting #15. So, basically, you are frustrated because your husband gets everything that he wants and you don't get what you want. Time for a long, hard discussion. Marriages crumble under this sort of resentment. If you can't get resolution between you two, I would suggest you go for counseling before your feelings seep out and start shaking the foundation of your marriage. Thyme said this better than I probably could. You need to sit down with DH and have a nice pow wow about your finances and pronto! Over the long haul individual things don't matter. But if you are feeling this boxed in a corner you really need to get with him and come up with a plan that works for both of you. I second the idea of going to a counselor so that a neutral third party can be the mediator. We no longer do the big long list of family obligations. We used to and it really did feel like a burden more than a gift sometimes. Now we sometimes do them and sometimes not. Truthfully most of the time I don't think the person who graduated, got married, had a baby etc even noticed that we had responded with a card instead of coming. They were more interested in their own life and not if a cousin of their mom's showed up at a shower. ;D
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 12, 2011 12:29:36 GMT -5
SIL - yes, we are expected to attend birthday parties for each child and adult in DH's family. Gifts are expected. Everyone gets a separate party, even when their birthdays are a day apart (or on the same day). It was culture shock to me too at first and took some getting used to. HOWEVER, it's ok. That's their tradition and it's part of being part of the family. It can be a bit overwhelming when every single weekend in the summer there is another b-day party to attend and another gift to buy, but so what, it's family and we enjoy each other's company. Why don't you and your husband agree to a set dollar amount for gifts and then stock up during sales? Gifts may be expected, but you don't need to over-do it, either. So, when do you get to spend time with your nuclear family? When do you get to bond as a family with just your kid? Personally, spending time with extended family is great, but I prefer not to do it at the expense of my nuclear family. DH is in charge of getting gifts for his family, I take care of mine. Can you the gift buying back on him? My DH spends more than I would on adults in his family but I spend more than he would on the kids/teens from my side so that part is probably a wash in terms of fairness/resentment...
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on May 12, 2011 12:39:10 GMT -5
"Little secret I had people who were RELIEVED to not be invited to my wedding out of obligation because they were "family". Sometimes all it takes is one person to break the cycle and you have tons of people breathing a huge sigh of relief."
Drama that sure is the truth! I have a 3 brother and a sister. When we were younger we all did all these thigs. I think because we always had as kids. Well after my DD was born I asked to be released from it as money was tight. Well imagine my surprise when everyone jumped on it and was thrilled to stop with all the present giving?
Now we are all in a much better place with regards to gifts and such. If I see something that I know my sister will love if I can afford it, and want to, then I buy it and she knows it was because I really wanted to and not out of some sense of responsibility. It is a much nicer feling all around now.
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on May 12, 2011 12:44:49 GMT -5
I don't consider most things to be obligations and only give gifts to people I want to give gifts to. For example my cousin's daughter I had only seen twice was having a wedding. I was invited because mom doesn't drive so if mom wanted to go I would bring her. I had seen my own cousin maybe 3 times in the last 35 years and didn't see any reason to want to buy her daughter a wedding gift. Mom didn't want to go to the wedding and I wasn't about to drive 240 miles to attend and stay in a motel or drive back the same night.
I don't give gifts for birthdays or Christmas unless I feel like it to anyone. Mother's day I gave my mom a jar of jelly beans. She is hard to buy for and I get her things when I see things for her. Sometimes I am generous when it is fun for me.
My favorite niece and my brother are buying vacation land, I am excited to buy them gifts this summer it will be fun. SIL is retiring, Bro and niece have birthdays and housewarming for the RVs? I am thinking dehumidifiers for both RV's and maybe building picnic tables and benches for both lots. Both RV's will need everything from towels to dishes.
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on May 12, 2011 12:49:09 GMT -5
beachbum - we actually had a family discussion (Dh's side) about Christmas gift purchasing. My married in SIL felt that gift purchasing was getting out of control. Everyone was expected to purchase gifts for all of the kids and all of the adults. It became very, very expensive and MIL and both other SIL's really were not in a great position financially. Anyway, the person with the least money, MIL, was the most upset about just buying for the kids and doing an adult grab bag. She is divorced and got very upset over the prospect of just getting one gift for Christmas. Now we buy for the kids and do a grab bag for the adults and we all buy a little something for MIL...it's still very expensive, but a little bit better.
DH likes to purchase nice gifts and yes Beth, I could tell him to purchase them for his family, but at the end of the day all of the money is household money, so sometimes it makes sense for me to get the gifts because I shop sales and spend a little less then he would.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 12, 2011 12:56:56 GMT -5
Now we buy for the kids and do a grab bag for the adults and we all buy a little something for MIL...it's still very expensive, but a little bit betterSo you are pretty much doing the same thing still? Why can't you just skip the entire grab bag thing and you all do a group gift for your MIL? That's what we did this year for DH's family. We skipped all the adults and all three kids went in on buying my MIL a new digtal camera and printer so she could take pictures of DD, her new granddaughter. Saved us a lot of money because we split three ways and then we didn't do anything for the other adults. DH's family sometimes does White Elephant which can be interesting like the year before last when someone got strawberry flavored nipple cream. ![:o](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/shocked.png) I buy for my family but it's little things since we don't want a ton of clutter in our houses. Last Christmas I embroidered a pair of aprons for my mom, one that said "Grandma" and then one for DD. Cost me about $25 for both of them. She's been talking non-stop about using them as soon as DD is old enough to help her bake. Didn't cost me a fortune and made a big impact. ;D
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on May 12, 2011 13:01:13 GMT -5
I think that everyone has brought up some great posts and they have gotten me thinking about other issues when it comes to gift giving, but just a little off topic from what I was trying to convey.
I think that Kari and Thyme may have hit a nerve with me and one that I hadn't thought of. The bottom line is that we are working on a reduced income right now and I am making a lot of sacrifices to pay for family/friend events and gifts. I think that things have gotten a bit out of control and that although I enjoy being generous, DH takes it to a whole new level. Due to our financial situation, these expenditures have become a burden and they are creating stress for me. I agree with Kari that it probably will not be such a big deal, once DH starts bringing in some steady income, but right now when I'm stressed about paying the mortgage, the joy of giving thoughtful Mother's Day gifts or paying $1000 so DH can attend a family wedding is overwhelming.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on May 12, 2011 13:06:02 GMT -5
My sister is getting married in September. I have to not only buy a plane ticket out there but also pay for my own tux rental. I'm a bit miffed on how much money I'm spending on her wedding, but I'm doing it anyway. There's only one of me though (no spouse or kids) and I'll just stay with my parents while I'm out there, so that helps too. So there won't be any hotels or much (if anything) in the way of meal charges.
I wouldn't do this for a cousin's wedding. When I lived in Maine and my cousin was getting married in Chicago, I just picked out an item on their gift registry and sent them a card.
I didn't get my other a gift or do some big event for mother's day. I just got her a card and gave her a call.
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on May 12, 2011 13:07:33 GMT -5
Drama - great idea about skipping the adult gifts and just buying MIL something. I'll have to bring it up and see what everyone thinks, but I think it may meet with some resistance. DH's family does things because "that's the way we've always done it". They are very steeped in tradition, down to the food they eat on certain holidays. Being an outsider, I find some of it a bit strange ![:P](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/tongue.png) . His mother and all of his siblings are like this. I think the familiar is very comforting to them in some way; although, I do think it goes overboard sometimes. It's very hard to make suggestions to alter those traditions...they look at you like you have 2 heads and they sometimes forget that as people grow up and get married they may have their own family traditions.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 12, 2011 13:14:05 GMT -5
You don't have to go along with them you know. When we first started dating DH's family did Secret Santa and they lowered it to an "affordable" $50 so I could participate. I was peeved at the attitude and couldn't afford $50 (poor college student). I got my SIL and I snagged some really nice personalized ornaments on Ebay for $25. No one knew what I had spent on them because I didn't volunteer the information.
Easy Peasy.
My BIL will still buy for everyone and they also like to top each other when it comes to gifts for the kids. That's why I chose to stop participating because I was starting to get sucked into the pressure and I was really angry when what I could afford was tossed aside in favor of the other big expensive gifts without so much as a thank you (I didn't expect them to be huge hits, but I was always taught you thank someone even if they got you socks).
This year I decided I was done with it, they don't notice if I buy them anything and when I do it is tossed aside. We did not have the money this year anyhow. Not a single one of them noticed admist the Wii and other expensive gifts that I had not gotten them anything.
We did get some clothes for DD, which I promptly thanked them for, but I am not going to get sucked into the gift giving hysteria again just because DD recieved a gift. It's getting to be a smaller pool because the cut off age is in the teens, so I MIGHT start up again this following Christmas, I am not sure.
You are not obligated to keep up with his siblings in terms of what they buy. My BIL always goes big for their parents to show off. I embroided hankerchiefs for my FIL, cost me about $10. I get a phone call later that evening telling me that he considered them one of the best presents he had ever recieved.
Really drove home to me and DH that getting caught up in keeping up appearances isn't worth it.
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on May 12, 2011 13:15:46 GMT -5
By the way, I am generally one of those people that enjoys giving very thoughtful gifts. I'm a much better giver than a receiver and I love it when I feel like I got the perfect item for someone. Lately I haven't been feeling that way. I've been feeling very torn and stressed over the cost of everything. Right now every purchase counts. I wanted to sign my DD up for a puppy training course this month (which she asked me about again yesterday) but because DH didn't bring in what he hoped before the wedding, looks like I'm going it's going to have to wait and that's the stuff that bothers me. I'm spending all this money on a wedding for a cousin that I met twice and DH has only seen a few times in the last 5 years and my kid can't go to a training class with her puppy that I promised her she could attend. There's the resentment. Right or wrong, that's how I feel about it.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 12, 2011 13:19:13 GMT -5
Did you mention that to your DH? How can he know that it's costing you in other places if you don't speak up? If you just gave him $1k for all he knows you had that $1k sitting around unmarked for other things.
DH is like this, if I shuffle things around to make things work for him he is not aware of the shuffling I did behind the scenes, he just sees that I was able to get money for what he wants.
If I tell him "Well we can do Y, but we won't be able to do X" or if I tell him "Well we have the money BUT it needs to go to (fill in the blank)" he is all right with it and either chooses one or passes.
You can either make things work and then sit there and stew about it all day or you can speak up and tell him sorry but you already pegged that money for puppy training classes and he'll either need to figure out how to get the money or pass.
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on May 12, 2011 13:23:55 GMT -5
Drama, I agree with you. It's funny, DH used to spend a lot more on his family before we were married and he was making more money. They got used to him being this great gift purchaser and sort of started expecting it. We have scaled back, but when I suggested $25 a kid for X-mas (there are 7 of them) he got upset and thought it was cheap. That's why I try to do the shopping. I try to get nicer items on sale. So let's say the sweatshirt for my niece was $59, but on sale for $25, I think that's adequate. If DH knew I only spent $25 he would tell me that we should buy her something else to make it total $50. Mean while my SIL's could hardly spend that kind of money on anyone, they don't have it and we understand. I try to explain to DH that it's a 2 way street...we don't have it right now either, but it's hard to make him understand. I told DH that I think that major Christmas gifts should be left up to the parents and grandparents of the kids, they get tons and tons of crap and that we should get them a nice, inexpensive gift. They don't even know who they get what from at the end of the day. I told him if he wants to do something a little nicer on a birthday, fine, but leave Christmas more up to their own parents. He's starting to get it, but boy is he stubborn.
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on May 12, 2011 13:30:57 GMT -5
Oh I guess I failed to mention this very important detail. As some of you know, DH isn't great with money. When I tell him that I have money earmarked for X, so we can't spend it today on Y, he'll say things like "well money is money and we need it today for Y, so we'll have to worry about X later" of course not my money style and it usually ends up in a discussion/argument. Anyway, I decided to play his own game with him this time. I had money set aside for the wedding gift in cash. DH was supposed to bring in a certain amount of money before he left for the wedding and was unable to. I ended up using the money for the gift to pay the mortgage. DH does know that I had to put all the cash in the bank to pay the bills and he hasn't mentioned anything about the gift, but that's his problem. He knew he was going to this wedding 6 weeks ago and he knew what he needed to do to make sure that bills were paid and there was money for the wedding and the gift. I guess he'll have to send a gift after he gets home, because I'm not coughing up the money. I need the money to pay bills. We already spent way more than anticipated on air and hotel.
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on May 12, 2011 13:33:23 GMT -5
And no Drama, he does know that $1000 wasn't just sitting around. He knows the entire situation. He also knows that I will do everything in my power to make sure that all of the bills are paid and I am very organized with money. When he didn't produce his goal income over the last several weeks, he knew I was pretty upset. He also knew that I ended up paying the bills, well I paid some of them with the money for the wedding gift and still had to take money out of savings to cover the rest. Tomorrow's paycheck (mine) is also earmarked for upcoming bills, so there isn't extra for wedding gifts or spending money.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 12, 2011 13:37:53 GMT -5
Then why did you give it to him? You could have just told him NO, you know. If it means having to juggle things to cover everything then you can't afford it. You don't HAVE to make it work so he can do stuff he wants to do you know. He didn't bring in the money, he doesn't get $1k to go to his cousin's wedding.
He would have lived and his cousin probably would not have even noticed he wasn't there. Aunt might get a little huffy, but there is no pleasing those types of people I've learned and eventually they find someone else to huff at for a similar offense.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 12, 2011 13:40:42 GMT -5
Personally, i think that is not the hill to die on. I would let it go.
In the short term I agree with you Snerd, but if she's resenting him now because she's playing miracle worker so he can do what he wants at the expense of what she wants to do over the long term it isn't going to help their marriage.
That's why DH and I had a serious talk about his family obligations before we got married. It was leading to resentment because it was coming at the expense of my family and our time together.
We had to revisit it when we had DD because of course everyone wants to see the new grandbaby.
We decided what holidays were important to his family and what were to mine and we're hammering out a better schedule for next year.
We are also fortunate that our families are understanding and work to accomodate us.
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on May 12, 2011 13:42:06 GMT -5
Snerdly you are 100% correct. I'm venting here. I haven't said one word to DH. This is my issue, not his, we already discussed the wedding and both agreed that he should go. The last few months have been very, very stressful for me from a financial standpoint and we are entering into a crazy family birthday season (about 20 b-days to attend this summer, just for family). It's been a long road and I am impatient for things to improve and yes, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and things should be improving soon (hopefully).
I just feel like we have soooooo many events to attend and buy gifts for and it puts me in a position that I cannot do the things I would like to do for my immediate family. Probably sounds selfish, but it's not meant to be that way. DH and I recently took custody of a teenage girl, so it's the first time we've had a kid of our own. There are things that I would like to do for her and now I am feeling like I can't because I'm obligated to spend the money elsewhere. Does that make sense?
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on May 12, 2011 13:42:51 GMT -5
I think this is fair. I'm sure his family wouldn't want you to skip paying bills in order to get them a gift.
I invited some family from far away to my wedding, I really didn't anticipate any of them coming & wouldn't have minded if they skipped it & didn't send a gift. It just felt wrong not sending an invite. Some came & I was very impressed that they went out of their way to travel for my wedding.
As for sroo - you didn't get an invite, therefore there is absolutely no reason to go to the wedding. MIL doesn't have the right to invite you to a wedding that isn't hers. The couple may have been on a limited budget & didn't invite you for this reason, you can't just invite yourself.
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trytofindbalance
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Post by trytofindbalance on May 12, 2011 13:44:51 GMT -5
Drama - go back to page 2, I think you missed one of my posts. I didn't give him the money for the gift. We bought the plane tickets 2 months ago and his brother charged the hotel on his cc., last week, because other free arrangements fell through at the last minute. As you know DH's income has varied so much that we never know what is coming in...makes it difficult to plan anything.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on May 12, 2011 13:46:09 GMT -5
Holy crap, no wonder you are feeling stressed. I think I do 7 birthdays with gifts for an entire year (and 2 of those are my kids) & often 2 or 3 are lumped together into a single gathering.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 12, 2011 13:47:12 GMT -5
Then you plan on one income. Lots of people have variable incomes. You plan at the lowest level and everything else is gravy. ![](http://us.social.s-msn.com/s/images/emoticons/thumbs_up.gif)
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trytofindbalance
Familiar Member
Joined: Mar 29, 2011 14:39:17 GMT -5
Posts: 683
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Post by trytofindbalance on May 12, 2011 13:50:17 GMT -5
I shouldn't say I haven't said anything. I did let DH know that every single ounce of cash we had went into the bank to pay the mortgage and we were still short by about $200 (I had to take the money out of savings). I reminded him yesterday that I had almost no money in the checking account until Friday and that when my check came in, it was already earmarked for bills next week. So he is aware of the situaiton.
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