Obligations Vs. Wants/Needs & Resentment

[Sum Dum Gai]

You guys are juggling bills, he's working on starting a business, and you're going to 20 birthdays this summer? Seriously?

Some of these threads make me feel like I've wandered onto the set of a reality TV show or something.

[trytofindbalance]

Snerdly - I think you read my other post about Getting Hubby on Board....DH is currently in the process of getting his home inspection license, he just completed his last mentored inspection yesterday. He just has to submit all his paperwork to the board to get his license and he has been offered a business partnership with his mentor. He is a contractor and his business has taken a nose dive over the last 2 years, that is why he went on to get his Home Inspector License. He has also recently reunited with a fellow contractor who has started sharing jobs with him, so things are slowly improving. He wasn't able to work much during the schooling and mentored process. So that is why we are where we are today. I know that things will get better and income should become much steadier as time goes by (the inspector who he will be partnering with has a very successful company), it's just been a long haul.

[sil]

TTFB, your husband and his family sounds so much like mine, it's uncanny. Seriously, I may have a conversation with DH tonight to validate that he doesnt have a second wife and daughter

DH just isnt good with money, so I set the budgets and pay the bills, which is fine except that when I tell him that we're tapped out, it doesnt sink in. What's worked for us is having a "budget meeting" about every month or so, where I go through the numbers with him and ask him to give suggestions on what we should spend/cut. This way, cutting discretionary spending is usually his idea and we work to split the pain evenly.

[trytofindbalance]

Dark - I couldn't agree with you more. This is why I started the thread...I'm feeling stressed and a tad bit resentful about all of these upcoming events because I know what's going in our house with our finances.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Then don't go to them! 20 birthdays isn't something I do even if I had unlimited funds and time on my hands. I am just not that social of a person. Choose which ones are most important to you and decline/back out of the rest of them. Don't try to make yourself afford all these things when you are juggling your bills.

You don't owe anyone a reason as to why you can't attend. If you feel guilty send a gift with a card and be done with it.

Dark, there are no little people, sister wives or octuplets so I don't think this is a reality show.

[trytofindbalance]

Ha ha SIL - that's funny. I'll have to check with DH too

Unfortunately those meetings don't work out that way in our house. It's hard to explain on a message board. DH is painfully aware of our situation and he is doing what he can to change it. He wasn't really quite as motivated as I would have liked, but that seems to have changed and he is moving forward and trying to get our financial situation back on track. That's not really the point of this post. I know it's going to take some time for this to work itself out and for us to finally be bringing in more then we are spending; however, all of these upcoming events are making me a little sick to my stomach, because I'm not sure where I'm going to be able to cut back (especially with the prices of everything going up, up, up) to be able to attend these events and bring a gift.

[resolution]

I am not that familiar with home inspections. Is he going to be working primarily during week days or would he be doing inspections on the weekends when the parties are likely to be held?

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

however, all of these upcoming events are making me a little sick to my stomach, because I'm not sure where I'm going to be able to cut back (especially with the prices of everything going up, up, up) to be able to attend these events and bring a gift.

Then. Don't. Attend. Them.

[Sum Dum Gai]

Are you expected at all these family events because the whole family celebrates every little thing, or because you have to keep up the pretense that you guys aren't struggling?

I don't know how your family works, but in ours it's perfectly acceptable to call a relative and say we'd love to see you guys at X, but it's just not in the budget this year and we'll see you at some other event. My sister for example wasn't able to get up to my mom's house after Christmas this year. It sucked, but she's going through a divorce, recently moved, went back to school, etc. We all understood that money is tight for her right now, and it had nothing to do with not wanting to see us. And this was for a once a year get together that we all try to make.

A cousin skipping a 6th birthday party or something wouldn't even need to call first, or require an excuse other than, "Thanks but we won't be attending".

[trytofindbalance]

Ha Ha Drama (nope no little people)..unfortunately all of the summer birthdays are either parents, nieces, nephews or siblings. Yup, lots of summer birthdays on both sides of the family. These parties are local and very important for DH to attend. We will actually miss 2 nieces parties due to our honeymoon trip, but besides that DH makes it a point to go to each and every sibling/niece/nephew party. I honestly think it's great that his family is so close. I enjoy spending time with them too, just not every single weekend, all summer long, but it's not the party attendance that is the issue, it's the gifts for everything and yes, we are expected to bring gifts.

[Deleted]

May 12, 2011 14:03:49 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Then don't go to them! 20 birthdays isn't something I do even if I had unlimited funds and time on my hands. I am just not that social of a person. Choose which ones are most important to you and decline/back out of the rest of them. Don't try to make yourself afford all these things when you are juggling your bills.

[trytofindbalance]

Hey Dark, we are expected to attend because DH's family is very, very close and they celebrate every little thing. Everyone has to have their own special b-day party whether they like it or not

[trytofindbalance]

Again it's not the getting there...they live fairly local (within a 1/2 hr of our house). It's just a bit overwhelming. My married in SIL says the same thing. We were just both raised differently. It's wonderful that they are close and they like to celebrate together, it's just a lot of people. One SIL has 4 kids and all 6 family members have summer birthdays...we spend a lot of time at their house over the summer.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Hey Dark, we are expected to attend because DH's family is very, very close and they celebrate every little thing

And what are they going to do if you don't? The world doesn't spin off its axis and into the sun if you don't attend. Life goes on.

So what if you get a phone call from MIL chewing you out (or whatever it is you fear) beats the hell out of being $200 short and having to take money out of savings to pay your bills.

At least it would for me. We'd rather hear MIL bitch about how we didn't send so and so a card than be out money we don't have. There is this wonderful invention called Caller ID so we don't have to answer if we know it's her.

[Deleted]

yes, we are expected to bring gifts.

if you don't want to listen to the "don't go" advice (which I think is great BTW), then buy your gifts throughout the year at discounted prices. DH and I don't spend more than $20 on extended family gifts and $50 on parents' gifts. We make it work just fine. And can't your DH pick up a part-time job or something? Surely he's not getting his stuff together for 40 hours a week.

[trytofindbalance]

It would be very difficult not to attend a party without a really good reason, people would be very, very disappointed and we would hear about it. Also DH wants to attend these events, this is his family and he is very close to them.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

It would be very difficult not to attend a party without a really good reason, people would be very, very disappointed and we would hear about it. Also DH wants to attend these events, this is his family and he is very close to them.

And the fact that you were in the red and had to take money out of your savings to pay your mortage so Dh could attend a COUSIN's wedding isn't a good enough reason?




We didn't make it to Christmas back in 2009 because of the weather. DH didn't want to risk driving to his brother's in the weather and with me being 12 weeks pregnant.

They were all disappointed but they understood and we did hear "Well DH has a truck doesn't he" a couple of times but DH put his foot down about it and they back off.

He was very disappointed that we couldn;t make it but he decided that his unborn baby was more important.


Your finances should be more important right now, if they can't understand that is their problem. You or your DH need to put your foot down and tell them you aren't attending/bringing gifts to 20 birthday parties this year.

[trytofindbalance]

MoneyJenny - great idea on picking up the gifts throughout the year. I will make sure to buy gifts on sale and let DH know that we're spending less on gifts this year and that's the way it is. I think he's not going to have much of a choice but to agree and I think he's finally seeing that we don't have to spend a lot to get a great, thoughful gift...he doesn't need to be everyone's hero.

DH picks up contracting jobs where he can and he also buys/sells on Ebay. He's been working throughout the process, just not bringing in income anywhere near where he used to. He's almost done getting his license and has landed a few larger contracting jobs that he plans on starting when he gets back from the wedding, so hopefully things will start to loosen up for us.

[Deleted]

I'm with DQ on this one (as I usually am). Your finances are more important than their feelings. And I'm sure they'll get over it. Reminds me of DH's family. Since my family gets together less, we make it a point to go to all of their events if we can. Thanksgiving switches each year, and we spend Christmas Eve with his family and Day with mine. And the world still turns....

[trytofindbalance]

Kari - inspections can be scheduled anytime... weekdays, evenings, weekends, depends on the schedule of the inspector, buyer, seller and real estate agents. They get scheduled as the calls come in.

[sil]

I have a BIL who's a thief. One year, everyone got gift cards from my BIL that weren't activated. The idiot didnt realize that if you steal gift cards from the grocery store, they are worthless.

He has stolen jewelry from several family members, he also mooches money off of the same relatives just so he can bring gifts to family functions.

So he steals from the family, from businesses, he never has money to pay the bills, but he also never shows up to a family function without a gift. Obviously his values are warped, and obviously my enabling relatives are pretty messed up too. But to my knowledge, DH and I are the only ones who have ever pulled him aside and said "please do not bring us gifts!"

Some families are pretty hard-core about gift giving, I guess.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

One year, everyone got gift cards from my BIL that weren't activated. The idiot didnt realize that if you steal gift cards from the grocery store, they are worthless.




I shouldn't laugh because that's so wrong and I doubt it was funny to you guys, but your sarcasm makes me laugh.

[trytofindbalance]

Drama - I hear you loud and clear and I can truly appreciate what you are saying. If I don't go to the party, DH is still going to attend and I am going to start to have serious issues with my in-laws and my DH. This is a very important family tradition, one that my family does not have. They do not combine parties, ever, even when suggested due to time constraints for other people. This is the way his family is and it's not going to change. I can also understand his desire to attend these parties. They are important events to him and every family member attends. I'm not saying we couldn't miss a party for another really important event, but DH really trys to attend each and every one.

I think the best way to tackle this issue is to purchase less expensive gifts, which I will do. I will also discuss this with DH and I will tell him that I understand how important it is for him to be there for these family events, but we have to do it within a reasonable budget...end of story. If he wants to purchase something more expensive, then he's going to have to come up with the extra money after he's met his financial obligations to our household.

[resolution]

My concern would be that the 20 parties would be clustered during the weekends that DH's customers would be available to come to inspections. You can save money on gifts by baking tins of cookies or home made pies as gifts for the adults, but you can't replace any lost income due to not scheduling inspections. You may want to just decline them in advance on the basis of a work conflict, and use that as your out.

[trytofindbalance]

Also Drama, remember if DH does a job and gives me less money, because he is spending money on b-day gifts for family members, it defeats the purpose, because the money for the gift is still coming out of our house money, it's just being spent before it hits the bank account.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

They are important events to him and every family member attends. I'm not saying we couldn't miss a party for another really important event, but DH really trys to attend each and every one.

But you are currently trying to get a business underway and have a rough time finanically. It isn't like you just don't feel like going or buying a present. It's that you are strapped right now.

Life does go on. I felt really bad when we did not go to his family's Christmas in 2009 because we did go to mine (to my defense my parents live right across the street), but the weather was bad and his brother lives in the boonies.

His brother refused to agree to have Christmas at my MIL's house or my SIL's house which was closer for everyone so we had to make a decision.

Everyone was disappointed and we did get some flack, but in the end the worl still turned and everyone still speaks to us. The weather was better last year and we had a new baby to show off this time around.

I get it, I REALLY do because DH's family is the same way, but sometimes circumstances do and should get in the way.

Odds are we would have been fine driving out there and yes you'll find a way to make your budget work, BUT for us at least that "what if" wasn't worth trying to get out there that year.

If it is worth risking your finances and stressing about how to juggle it all then there is no stopping you and that is your decision.

I am just saying that life goes on if you can't make it.

DH used to be the same way as your DH and you about not attending every little thing that cropped up for his family because "that's not what they do, we always attend" and he kicked and screamed the first time we did not attend something.

But the next day the sun rose and the world was still turning. His family was not at our door with pitchforks and they welcomed him with open arms to the next event.

If Dh's family isn't like that then you got yourself some bigger issues that need dealt with.

[Sum Dum Gai]

If I don't go to the party, DH is still going to attend and I am going to start to have serious issues with my in-laws and my DH.

I love it. The family is all loving and close, but if you don't get cousin Timmy a birthday present they'll treat you like crap. Yeah, that sounds like the kind of people I'd want to spend every weekend around for the rest of my life.

[trytofindbalance]

Kari - Yes, there could be inspections scheduled that conflict with parties. DH will have some ability to make his own schedule, so if someone wants an inspection on a Saturday, he may be able to schedule for 10:00am and then come to the party in the afternoon. He will have to answer to his partner, but his partner will also be available for weekend inspections (he mainly does weekends, because he works another full time job during the week). I can only hope that there are so many inspections that this becomes a mute point. If the income starts coming in, the budget will loosen up and then we'll be able to purchase these gifts without being so stressed about it.

DH knows that at this point work must come first. We have talked about it and I will make sure to bring it up again once he starts doing inspections. He used to be much more likely to schedule work around his social desires, but that has been changing.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

The family is all loving and close, but if you don't get cousin Timmy a birthday present they'll treat you like crap. Yeah, that sounds like the kind of people I'd want to spend every weekend around for the rest of my life.

There is a reason I don't have much to do with my extended family.

[trytofindbalance]

Dark - now that's funny. The b-day parties are for his Mom, siblings, their spouses and kids...so all people he considers immediate family.

Your post reminded me of Thanksgiving this year. We hosted at our house. My MIL did most of the cooking (she is an incredible cook and it was a great help). I ended up in tears on Thanksgiving morning because I felt very overwhelmed that every single thing had to be just so and we had to make sure that all of the family traditions were there, down to some stupid mints that we had to have and I had never heard of and couldn't find. DH actually ran to the store to get them that morning when he realized that I never bought them. I thought he was being ridiculous and he couldn't believe that I didn't understand how important these traditions were to his family.

I had a talk with him about how his traditions were nice, but it wouldn't kill anyone if the mints weren't there and how about since we're hosting, we add some of our own personal traditions to the celebration. He said that my family really didn't have any of traditions (true, we just sort of got together and ate turkey) and that if I wanted to add something I could, but it was super important to everyone that everything be just so. Personally I think it's a bit nuts, but if you want to get the stupid mints, knock yourself out.