what are you doing right now?

[azucena]

MJ2.0 - appreciate those links.

Teen is currently rocking small box braids with some curls mixed in and we're calling it birthday and beach hair.

I helped her wash, detangle and dry it before she got it styled. That takes over an hour and her natural hair isn't even shoulder length. Braiding appt took 7 hours and I think this time was $320 with hair included.

DD12 is a bit of a budding fashionista so learning about AA hair has been fascinating for her and teen has been very patient with all of our questions. Teen and I keep hitting the beauty supply store downtown on our way back from some of her appts so DD12 is never with us. Someday we'll take her with us so she can have the full experience.

[MJ2.0]

Nov 13, 2024 9:14:28 GMT -5 azucena said:

Went back and edited my trigger warning to include child abuse. Sorry for anyone I caught unaware. I was trying to warn but knew domestic violence wasn't quite right but my brain was on overload.


New day, new hope...

Updated therapist via email with everything that's happened in the last two weeks incl last night. TFW has made it clear that therapist can't talk to me about teen. Okay, but I can communicate one direction and have told therapist not to respond so she doesn't cross any ethical/professional lines. Therapist has been really tactful using my notes to guide sessions without teen knowing that I'm sharing her business.

Teen's dad called for her birthday and she finally let him know that she's staying with us and he responded something like I understand why you can't live with that woman. Clued therapist in that we think he still has parental rights but social services won't touch that and won't say why. If they'd give me a good reason, I'd leave it alone but otherwise, I'm not going to just sit idly by and not try everything I can to help bonus teen. If he'd give me medical proxy, teen could go back to ignoring TFW completely and her world would be the calmer place she needs to keep healing.

Also saw someone local post on fb asking for Medicaid dentist to pull teeth for dentures so have 3-4 more offices to call. Otherwise, I was told this week that no one at social services (government or school) are working on finding dental solutions because TFW is insisting that teen go back to original dentist and get tooth pulled there. Teen and I have both told social services that we went there in April and they couldn't pull it and referred us to dental school who then referred us to oral surgeon. But somehow TFW (who didn't even graduate hs btw) knows better than the dental offices is allowed to force teen to go back again. Teen and I don't have access to her medical records to prove this out. And so we sit waiting for the day when TFW decides it's time to go stand in line at 5 am in hopes of getting an appt.

I'm going to have Teen ask legal aid why they can't file police report or something criminal for sister's assault. They haven't been super helpful to date though as their hands seem to be tied legally on what they can do.

I'm pretty out of the loop on BT's backstory and how you came to be in her life. But I just want to say thank you SO MUCH for everything you're doing for her. I don't know her or you.... but THANK YOU.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Got a letter yesterday that the person in charge of my grandma's finances got her booted off Medicaid for the month because they let her account accumulate too many assets.

I keep telling myself not my problem anymore.  They took me and my dad off her account so I couldn't fix it even if I wanted to.  The home refuses to talk to me they said this person is in charge.

So they can be in charge.

But it grinds my gears that they drug me and my dad through the mud. Brought him up on charges, tried to bring me up on charges, trashed us to the courts so they could get approved to have judicial fiduciary over her and THIS is how it goes?  This person hasn't even been in charge of her for four months!

It's insane to me.  Not surprising given it is government and probably a company that gets kick backs from the equally incompetent nursing home but still damn.  They would have released the hounds on me and demanded I personally pay grandma's bill for December or else.

Where are the consequences for this clown that apparently doesn't even know you can only have $2500 in assets for Medicaid?

And there is no way for me to even hold them accountable.  I've tried.   I guess we'll see if Medicaid has their act together and can bitch slap them.

[azucena]

giramomma once again your post really resonates with me. It's been fascinating to see how my family (and others) treat me through teen's eyes. She's become my biggest champion for self care and not letting people require so much of me, even my own family whom I'd do anything for.

Plus she also forces me to slow down and think what kind of example I'm setting for her and my girls about what women should put up with in marriage, life, parenting, etc.

[MJ2.0]

Nov 13, 2024 9:26:34 GMT -5 azucena said:

MJ2.0 - appreciate those links.

Teen is currently rocking small box braids with some curls mixed in and we're calling it birthday and beach hair.

I helped her wash, detangle and dry it before she got it styled. That takes over an hour and her natural hair isn't even shoulder length. Braiding appt took 7 hours and I think this time was $320 with hair included.

DD12 is a bit of a budding fashionista so learning about AA hair has been fascinating for her and teen has been very patient with all of our questions. Teen and I keep hitting the beauty supply store downtown on our way back from some of her appts so DD12 is never with us. Someday we'll take her with us so she can have the full experience.

there's a lot to learn, and I still don't know all I need to know about my hair! I have a couple of holy grail product recs though:

1) Kinky Curly Knot Today - water it down a bit and it's an excellent detangler
2) Eden BodyWorks Coconut Shea Leave-in Conditioner - detangles and is moisturizing
3) Tangle Teaser - literally the only thing I use for detangling

Patience is key!

[giramomma]

Nov 13, 2024 8:45:41 GMT -5 gs11rmb said:

I'm sorry you're struggling giramomma .  Do you feel like sharing what happened or do you just want to vent your frustration?  Either is fine; whichever makes you feel better.

I'm just tired of everyone wanting something from me.

I'm tired of people expecting me to make up for poor planning on their end.

I'm tired of people not paying attention (to me). Right DD1 is all like "I want to do this" and I figure out a way to make it happen (cost effectively) and she doesn't even want to do the thing with me. Or. She says "I need a hair cut" and I'm the scheduling to make it happen.

I say "I want need this or that." And, either it doesn't happen or I have to do it myself. Which, OK. I'll buy I'm responsible for taking care of my own needs.  But, when it involves other people doing their part, I can't exactly do it by myself.

DD1 isn't speaking to me today. We were planning to have a family celebration for her birthday on Sunday. With inlaws coming over for a meal. SHe doesn't know what she wants. She's going to be out of town on Saturday, DH is taking her and a friend for a day trip.

I can't sit and wait around until she decides what she wants for a meal. I didn't think she was within earshot, but finally, I said, I'm noping right out of it. DH can figure out how to shop for and cook a meal and clean up the first floor of the house while he's an hour away from our home from like 9am-10pm on Saturday.

The peanut is all like "I need to get a present for DD1." Of course, she announces this, the day before she leaves on a weekend campout..and there are no more weekends to go shopping. And of course DD1 has given us a whole list of what she doesn't want, and no idea what she wants. I'm not taking DD2 shopping to waste money on something that DD1 doesn't like. I don't have time to go to the store to buy things to promptly return them.

Like, I'm not really asking for a whole lot here. I don't think I"m asking a whole lot for DH to find a day to hang out together sometime in the months of Sept, October or November.

My reality is that St. Nicks shopping happens this weekend or it doesn't happen. That's 3 weeks away.  My reality is that I don't have time to take care of myself, because everyone else things last minute requests are totally appropriate.

I also need to get most of my Christmas shopping done by the end of the month, or it won't get done.

Why is it that I have to plan to get my shit done months in advanced..and it's acceptable for everyone to do things at the last minute at my expense?

And then I'm valued? Appreciated? Come on, I'm not that dumb, and it's insulting to say those things to me.

[MJ2.0]

Nov 13, 2024 9:35:12 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Nov 13, 2024 8:45:41 GMT -5 gs11rmb said:

I'm sorry you're struggling giramomma .  Do you feel like sharing what happened or do you just want to vent your frustration?  Either is fine; whichever makes you feel better.

I'm just tired of everyone wanting something from me.

I'm tired of people expecting me to make up for poor planning on their end.

I'm tired of people not paying attention (to me). Right DD1 is all like "I want to do this" and I figure out a way to make it happen (cost effectively) and she doesn't even want to do the thing with me. Or. She says "I need a hair cut" and I'm the scheduling to make it happen.

I say "I want need this or that." And, either it doesn't happen or I have to do it myself. Which, OK. I'll buy I'm responsible for taking care of my own needs.  But, when it involves other people doing their part, I can't exactly do it by myself.

DD1 isn't speaking to me today. We were planning to have a family celebration for her birthday on Sunday. With inlaws coming over for a meal. SHe doesn't know what she wants. She's going to be out of town on Saturday, DH is taking her and a friend for a day trip.

I can't sit and wait around until she decides what she wants for a meal. I didn't think she was within earshot, but finally, I said, I'm noping right out of it. DH can figure out how to shop for and cook a meal and clean up the first floor of the house while he's an hour away from our home from like 9am-10pm on Saturday.

The peanut is all like "I need to get a present for DD1." Of course, she announces this, the day before she leaves on a weekend campout..and there are no more weekends to go shopping. And of course DD1 has given us a whole list of what she doesn't want, and no idea what she wants. I'm not taking DD2 shopping to waste money on something that DD1 doesn't like. I don't have time to go to the store to buy things to promptly return them.

Like, I'm not really asking for a whole lot here. I don't think I"m asking a whole lot for DH to find a day to hang out together sometime in the months of Sept, October or November.

My reality is that St. Nicks shopping happens this weekend or it doesn't happen. That's 3 weeks away.  My reality is that I don't have time to take care of myself, because everyone else things last minute requests are totally appropriate.

I also need to get most of my Christmas shopping done by the end of the month, or it won't get done.

Why is it that I have to plan to get my shit done months in advanced..and it's acceptable for everyone to do things at the last minute at my expense?

And then I'm valued? Appreciated? Come on, I'm not that dumb, and it's insulting to say those things to me.

I would let them figure it out. All of it. 

[azucena]

Nov 13, 2024 9:28:02 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

Nov 13, 2024 9:14:28 GMT -5 azucena said:

Went back and edited my trigger warning to include child abuse. Sorry for anyone I caught unaware. I was trying to warn but knew domestic violence wasn't quite right but my brain was on overload.


New day, new hope...

Updated therapist via email with everything that's happened in the last two weeks incl last night. TFW has made it clear that therapist can't talk to me about teen. Okay, but I can communicate one direction and have told therapist not to respond so she doesn't cross any ethical/professional lines. Therapist has been really tactful using my notes to guide sessions without teen knowing that I'm sharing her business.

Teen's dad called for her birthday and she finally let him know that she's staying with us and he responded something like I understand why you can't live with that woman. Clued therapist in that we think he still has parental rights but social services won't touch that and won't say why. If they'd give me a good reason, I'd leave it alone but otherwise, I'm not going to just sit idly by and not try everything I can to help bonus teen. If he'd give me medical proxy, teen could go back to ignoring TFW completely and her world would be the calmer place she needs to keep healing.

Also saw someone local post on fb asking for Medicaid dentist to pull teeth for dentures so have 3-4 more offices to call. Otherwise, I was told this week that no one at social services (government or school) are working on finding dental solutions because TFW is insisting that teen go back to original dentist and get tooth pulled there. Teen and I have both told social services that we went there in April and they couldn't pull it and referred us to dental school who then referred us to oral surgeon. But somehow TFW (who didn't even graduate hs btw) knows better than the dental offices is allowed to force teen to go back again. Teen and I don't have access to her medical records to prove this out. And so we sit waiting for the day when TFW decides it's time to go stand in line at 5 am in hopes of getting an appt.

I'm going to have Teen ask legal aid why they can't file police report or something criminal for sister's assault. They haven't been super helpful to date though as their hands seem to be tied legally on what they can do.

I'm pretty out of the loop on BT's backstory and how you came to be in her life. But I just want to say thank you SO MUCH for everything you're doing for her. I don't know her or you.... but THANK YOU.

Short version - she's a friend of my DD16 who had been spending a lot of time at our house sophomore year. In March, teen told me her mom was abusing her and she needed a safe space to stay so she came to live with us without any formal agreement.

A friend of mine asked me this week if I'd do it again knowing what I know now. I've given this some thought, and I'd do it over and over again for this particular teen and I thank God every day for the bond she and I have grown as she's as much a blessing to me as I am to her. BUT, knowing what I know now about how crappy the system is, I have no intention of getting wrapped up in any other child's business. It's way too painful to love them and not have parental rights.

[anciana]

Nov 13, 2024 9:49:17 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

Nov 13, 2024 9:35:12 GMT -5 giramomma said:

I'm just tired of everyone wanting something from me.

I'm tired of people expecting me to make up for poor planning on their end.

I'm tired of people not paying attention (to me). Right DD1 is all like "I want to do this" and I figure out a way to make it happen (cost effectively) and she doesn't even want to do the thing with me. Or. She says "I need a hair cut" and I'm the scheduling to make it happen.

I say "I want need this or that." And, either it doesn't happen or I have to do it myself. Which, OK. I'll buy I'm responsible for taking care of my own needs.  But, when it involves other people doing their part, I can't exactly do it by myself.

DD1 isn't speaking to me today. We were planning to have a family celebration for her birthday on Sunday. With inlaws coming over for a meal. SHe doesn't know what she wants. She's going to be out of town on Saturday, DH is taking her and a friend for a day trip.

I can't sit and wait around until she decides what she wants for a meal. I didn't think she was within earshot, but finally, I said, I'm noping right out of it. DH can figure out how to shop for and cook a meal and clean up the first floor of the house while he's an hour away from our home from like 9am-10pm on Saturday.

The peanut is all like "I need to get a present for DD1." Of course, she announces this, the day before she leaves on a weekend campout..and there are no more weekends to go shopping. And of course DD1 has given us a whole list of what she doesn't want, and no idea what she wants. I'm not taking DD2 shopping to waste money on something that DD1 doesn't like. I don't have time to go to the store to buy things to promptly return them.

Like, I'm not really asking for a whole lot here. I don't think I"m asking a whole lot for DH to find a day to hang out together sometime in the months of Sept, October or November.

My reality is that St. Nicks shopping happens this weekend or it doesn't happen. That's 3 weeks away.  My reality is that I don't have time to take care of myself, because everyone else things last minute requests are totally appropriate.

I also need to get most of my Christmas shopping done by the end of the month, or it won't get done.

Why is it that I have to plan to get my shit done months in advanced..and it's acceptable for everyone to do things at the last minute at my expense?

And then I'm valued? Appreciated? Come on, I'm not that dumb, and it's insulting to say those things to me.

I would let them figure it out. All of it. 

They have taken you for granted, Gira, again and again. I am so sorry.

[azucena]

Nov 13, 2024 9:34:15 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

Nov 13, 2024 9:26:34 GMT -5 azucena said:

MJ2.0 - appreciate those links.

Teen is currently rocking small box braids with some curls mixed in and we're calling it birthday and beach hair.

I helped her wash, detangle and dry it before she got it styled. That takes over an hour and her natural hair isn't even shoulder length. Braiding appt took 7 hours and I think this time was $320 with hair included.

DD12 is a bit of a budding fashionista so learning about AA hair has been fascinating for her and teen has been very patient with all of our questions. Teen and I keep hitting the beauty supply store downtown on our way back from some of her appts so DD12 is never with us. Someday we'll take her with us so she can have the full experience.

there's a lot to learn, and I still don't know all I need to know about my hair! I have a couple of holy grail product recs though:

1) Kinky Curly Knot Today - water it down a bit and it's an excellent detangler
2) Eden BodyWorks Coconut Shea Leave-in Conditioner - detangles and is moisturizing
3) Tangle Teaser - literally the only thing I use for detangling

Patience is key!

Stocking stuffers!!

[MJ2.0]

Nov 13, 2024 9:52:47 GMT -5 azucena said:

Nov 13, 2024 9:34:15 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

there's a lot to learn, and I still don't know all I need to know about my hair! I have a couple of holy grail product recs though:

1) Kinky Curly Knot Today - water it down a bit and it's an excellent detangler
2) Eden BodyWorks Coconut Shea Leave-in Conditioner - detangles and is moisturizing
3) Tangle Teaser - literally the only thing I use for detangling

Patience is key!

Stocking stuffers!!

oooh, also: if you don't have this already, get an empty spray bottle for water. I can only comb or brush my hair when it's wet, and I spray my hair as I work detangling products in. Work from ends to roots in small-ish to medium sections depending on how tangled the hair tends to get (mine tangles very easily and quickly). Also not sure if she has a satin sleep scarf or satin pillowcases, but she really should have at least one of these to prevent dryness and breakage while sleeping.

[gs11rmb]

That's hard, giramomma.  I have two daughters aged 12 and 16 and they frequently take me for granted and hurt my feelings.  I do try to remember that I was self-absorbed at that age too and really didn't think/notice/care about my parents but was very conscious about my friends.  I like to think that I am not a selfish adult and that they will also mature into decent human beings. 

I think it's perfectly fair for you to say 'nope' and allow your daughter to recognize that she needs to show some consideration for you, your time, and your feelings.

[greenthumb59]

giramomma - If this was happening in my home, I wouldn't do anything of it.  No planning, shopping, whatever it is.  Just go about your business.  If it's that important to them, they can figure it out.

[andi9899]

Nov 12, 2024 21:22:53 GMT -5 bookkeeper said:

Hair wrap is a pain in the @ss.  Our daughter in law has waist length hair and her vacuum struggles.  She needs her vacuum cleaner to work and I support her, so I sit down with a scissors and cut out the chunks.  If we all work together, we may just get through this lifetime!

I have waist length hair and 2 dogs. My vacuum wasn't picking anything up and I had my uncle look at it. He said it was like concrete there was so much hair packed in there. It works great now. I love that the new house has no carpet. I have to sweep up a whole twin worth of hair everyday, but no smells and it's much cleaner IMO.

[azucena]

FWIW my newest roomba type vac has an automatic haircutter thing inside that cuts most of the hair off of the rollers. Highly rec this feature.

[azucena]

Nov 13, 2024 10:01:08 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

Nov 13, 2024 9:52:47 GMT -5 azucena said:

Stocking stuffers!!

oooh, also: if you don't have this already, get an empty spray bottle for water. I can only comb or brush my hair when it's wet, and I spray my hair as I work detangling products in. Work from ends to roots in small-ish to medium sections depending on how tangled the hair tends to get (mine tangles very easily and quickly). Also not sure if she has a satin sleep scarf or satin pillowcases, but she really should have at least one of these to prevent dryness and breakage while sleeping.

Will add spray bottle to her bathroom.

We bought sleep scarfs and hair wraps first thing and have some hilarious pics of all of us trying them on when Amazon delivered them.

[lurkyloo]

Hugs all round.

azucena do you have a legal benefit through work?  Sure seems like additional legal support might come in handy, if it’s covered (even if not mine gives some limited time covered to things that are not specifically excluded).

[minnesotapaintlady]

My weekly budget meeting (with myself) didn't go well.  There needs to be a big adjustment to the food line.  Groceries have been fine, but Carrot has to eat out so much with school activities and that's killing me. It's been really bad and not sure how to avoid it except tell him he can't go, which I don't want to do.

[bean29]

Nov 13, 2024 9:35:12 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Nov 13, 2024 8:45:41 GMT -5 gs11rmb said:

I'm sorry you're struggling giramomma .  Do you feel like sharing what happened or do you just want to vent your frustration?  Either is fine; whichever makes you feel better.

I'm just tired of everyone wanting something from me.

I'm tired of people expecting me to make up for poor planning on their end.

I'm tired of people not paying attention (to me). Right DD1 is all like "I want to do this" and I figure out a way to make it happen (cost effectively) and she doesn't even want to do the thing with me. Or. She says "I need a hair cut" and I'm the scheduling to make it happen.

I say "I want need this or that." And, either it doesn't happen or I have to do it myself. Which, OK. I'll buy I'm responsible for taking care of my own needs.  But, when it involves other people doing their part, I can't exactly do it by myself.

DD1 isn't speaking to me today. We were planning to have a family celebration for her birthday on Sunday. With inlaws coming over for a meal. SHe doesn't know what she wants. She's going to be out of town on Saturday, DH is taking her and a friend for a day trip.

I can't sit and wait around until she decides what she wants for a meal. I didn't think she was within earshot, but finally, I said, I'm noping right out of it. DH can figure out how to shop for and cook a meal and clean up the first floor of the house while he's an hour away from our home from like 9am-10pm on Saturday.

The peanut is all like "I need to get a present for DD1." Of course, she announces this, the day before she leaves on a weekend campout..and there are no more weekends to go shopping. And of course DD1 has given us a whole list of what she doesn't want, and no idea what she wants. I'm not taking DD2 shopping to waste money on something that DD1 doesn't like. I don't have time to go to the store to buy things to promptly return them.

Like, I'm not really asking for a whole lot here. I don't think I"m asking a whole lot for DH to find a day to hang out together sometime in the months of Sept, October or November.

My reality is that St. Nicks shopping happens this weekend or it doesn't happen. That's 3 weeks away.  My reality is that I don't have time to take care of myself, because everyone else things last minute requests are totally appropriate.

I also need to get most of my Christmas shopping done by the end of the month, or it won't get done.

Why is it that I have to plan to get my shit done months in advanced..and it's acceptable for everyone to do things at the last minute at my expense?

And then I'm valued? Appreciated? Come on, I'm not that dumb, and it's insulting to say those things to me.

I'm sorry.  I am also sorry to admit that you are not alone in being treated this way.  I had a 60th birthday party last year b/c DD was leaving to train for her new job the same weekend, and I knew she would no longer be living in WI.  When I carefully asked if there were any plans made - Nope.  Not my DS who is about 18 months older than me (I planned her 60th party), not my DH, DS or DD.  So, I planned a combined 60th party for me and a going away party for DD.  I don't care about presents; I have everything I need. 

I need some pills taped to my mirror in case everything falls apart.  No necessarily my mental state you know, things we can't say here.

You should definitely take the time you need to maintain your health.  I think it is Rayoflyte that said she and her DH are texting their kids their responsibilities, and making them face the consequences of not following through on what they agreed to.  maybe you can do something like that, at least with your older kids.  

[cooper88]

FEMA paid me about $7500 this morning. I turned around and paid $9000 I had put on the credit card. Easy come, easy go. Given that this is the federal government, I honestly can't believe everything has been so fast.

[andi9899]

Nov 13, 2024 10:40:03 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

My weekly budget meeting (with myself) didn't go well.  There needs to be a big adjustment to the food line.  Groceries have been fine, but Carrot has to eat out so much with school activities and that's killing me. It's been really bad and not sure how to avoid it except tell him he can't go, which I don't want to do.

Girl! When T2 moved out my grocery bill took a nosedive! I think I'm at $120 so far for the month of November. I was just thinking that I probably should go to the store this week or next. I may just wait until next week and get my Thanksgiving groceries while I'm at it.

[raeoflyte]

Nov 13, 2024 10:02:09 GMT -5 gs11rmb said:

That's hard, giramomma.  I have two daughters aged 12 and 16 and they frequently take me for granted and hurt my feelings.  I do try to remember that I was self-absorbed at that age too and really didn't think/notice/care about my parents but was very conscious about my friends.  I like to think that I am not a selfish adult and that they will also mature into decent human beings. 

I think it's perfectly fair for you to say 'nope' and allow your daughter to recognize that she needs to show some consideration for you, your time, and your feelings.

This year I'm being very blunt with my kids. I felt like my birthday, mothers day and Christmas were really over looked the last few times. I don't want much, but when everyone else gets a homemade mothers day card - including aunties but nothing for me it stings a bit. I don't blame the kids for that. Everyone else got cards because I coordinated the effort. I do that for fathers day and everything else. I realized no one was going to do that for me.

So this year I told them my birthday is x, you need to tell me happy birthday and I want a card, candy, small gift, or act of service as a gift (just 1 of those). Same for Christmas. I work hard to make these days special for you and I need a little bit in return.

My birthday hasn't come yet, but dc already made me a card, and I know ds bought me a Christmas present.

[raeoflyte]

Nov 13, 2024 10:50:00 GMT -5 bean29 said:

Nov 13, 2024 9:35:12 GMT -5 giramomma said:

I'm just tired of everyone wanting something from me.

I'm tired of people expecting me to make up for poor planning on their end.

I'm tired of people not paying attention (to me). Right DD1 is all like "I want to do this" and I figure out a way to make it happen (cost effectively) and she doesn't even want to do the thing with me. Or. She says "I need a hair cut" and I'm the scheduling to make it happen.

I say "I want need this or that." And, either it doesn't happen or I have to do it myself. Which, OK. I'll buy I'm responsible for taking care of my own needs.  But, when it involves other people doing their part, I can't exactly do it by myself.

DD1 isn't speaking to me today. We were planning to have a family celebration for her birthday on Sunday. With inlaws coming over for a meal. SHe doesn't know what she wants. She's going to be out of town on Saturday, DH is taking her and a friend for a day trip.

I can't sit and wait around until she decides what she wants for a meal. I didn't think she was within earshot, but finally, I said, I'm noping right out of it. DH can figure out how to shop for and cook a meal and clean up the first floor of the house while he's an hour away from our home from like 9am-10pm on Saturday.

The peanut is all like "I need to get a present for DD1." Of course, she announces this, the day before she leaves on a weekend campout..and there are no more weekends to go shopping. And of course DD1 has given us a whole list of what she doesn't want, and no idea what she wants. I'm not taking DD2 shopping to waste money on something that DD1 doesn't like. I don't have time to go to the store to buy things to promptly return them.

Like, I'm not really asking for a whole lot here. I don't think I"m asking a whole lot for DH to find a day to hang out together sometime in the months of Sept, October or November.

My reality is that St. Nicks shopping happens this weekend or it doesn't happen. That's 3 weeks away.  My reality is that I don't have time to take care of myself, because everyone else things last minute requests are totally appropriate.

I also need to get most of my Christmas shopping done by the end of the month, or it won't get done.

Why is it that I have to plan to get my shit done months in advanced..and it's acceptable for everyone to do things at the last minute at my expense?

And then I'm valued? Appreciated? Come on, I'm not that dumb, and it's insulting to say those things to me.

I'm sorry.  I am also sorry to admit that you are not alone in being treated this way.  I had a 60th birthday party last year b/c DD was leaving to train for her new job the same weekend, and I knew she would no longer be living in WI.  When I carefully asked if there were any plans made - Nope.  Not my DS who is about 18 months older than me (I planned her 60th party), not my DH, DS or DD.  So, I planned a combined 60th party for me and a going away party for DD.  I don't care about presents; I have everything I need. 

I need some pills taped to my mirror in case everything falls apart.  No necessarily my mental state you know, things we can't say here.

You should definitely take the time you need to maintain your health.  I think it is Rayoflyte that said she and her DH are texting their kids their responsibilities, and making them face the consequences of not following through on what they agreed to.  maybe you can do something like that, at least with your older kids.  

I think it's azucena who sends group texts/emails with expectations but it's definitely something I'll use.

[soupandstew]

I learned one of my very favorite phrases here, "Oh look, there comes the consequences of my actions."  I found a great new word on FB yesterday that goes well with that phrase, "Shidiot", a person who makes stupid decisions and ends up in crappy situations.  

When I see someone complaining about being broke while daily detailing all the stuff they spend money on, including weekly spa visits, I'm gonna be thinking, "Yup, there goes a shidiot"

[seriousthistime]

I remember those days of being taken for granted regarding other people's birthdays and Father's Day.  

When my oldest DS was about 10, he wanted a game system.  He changed his mind frequently as to which one he wanted.  I couldn't keep up with the latest preference so I got him a gift card so he could choose the system he finally decided he wanted.  He was so disappointed not to have the system right there for him to open and use immediately!  Then XH said to me, "I, too, have been similarly disappointed with the gifts you give me."

I was the one always orchestrating, planning, and making things happen for XH's birthday and Father's Day.  When we separated, I stopped doing that. I imagine he was "similarly disappointed" then, too. 

It's funny that in a long term relationship there are moments you remember clear as day, for years. That is one of mine. And it's usually followed by memories of how he disappointed me on my birthdays, Mother's Day, etc., without me expressing gratitude for the little that was done or telling him it was okay he didn't plan anything. 

[Cookies Galore]

Nov 13, 2024 10:05:49 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Nov 12, 2024 21:22:53 GMT -5 bookkeeper said:

Hair wrap is a pain in the @ss.  Our daughter in law has waist length hair and her vacuum struggles.  She needs her vacuum cleaner to work and I support her, so I sit down with a scissors and cut out the chunks.  If we all work together, we may just get through this lifetime!

I have waist length hair and 2 dogs. My vacuum wasn't picking anything up and I had my uncle look at it. He said it was like concrete there was so much hair packed in there. It works great now. I love that the new house has no carpet. I have to sweep up a whole twin worth of hair everyday, but no smells and it's much cleaner IMO.

One perk of hardwood floors is the cat hair just accumulates in a corner and I can just pick it up, lol. And yes, no carpet to hold onto smells!

[minnesotapaintlady]

Nov 13, 2024 10:51:56 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Nov 13, 2024 10:40:03 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

My weekly budget meeting (with myself) didn't go well.  There needs to be a big adjustment to the food line.  Groceries have been fine, but Carrot has to eat out so much with school activities and that's killing me. It's been really bad and not sure how to avoid it except tell him he can't go, which I don't want to do.

Girl! When T2 moved out my grocery bill took a nosedive! I think I'm at $120 so far for the month of November. I was just thinking that I probably should go to the store this week or next. I may just wait until next week and get my Thanksgiving groceries while I'm at it.

My grocery bill went way down when the oldest moved out, but the dining out with the younger one is sucking up all that savings and then some.

[cooper88]

The street sweeper comes about four times a day now. I feel like calling the mayor and letting him know he's going to need a bigger street sweeper.

[azucena]

Nov 13, 2024 10:38:55 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

Hugs all round.

azucena do you have a legal benefit through work?  Sure seems like additional legal support might come in handy, if it’s covered (even if not mine gives some limited time covered to things that are not specifically excluded).

adding it back in during open enrollment this week to be eff 1/1/25 and then will check what help they can offer

[bookkeeper]

Nov 13, 2024 10:05:49 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Nov 12, 2024 21:22:53 GMT -5 bookkeeper said:

Hair wrap is a pain in the @ss.  Our daughter in law has waist length hair and her vacuum struggles.  She needs her vacuum cleaner to work and I support her, so I sit down with a scissors and cut out the chunks.  If we all work together, we may just get through this lifetime!

I have waist length hair and 2 dogs. My vacuum wasn't picking anything up and I had my uncle look at it. He said it was like concrete there was so much hair packed in there. It works great now. I love that the new house has no carpet. I have to sweep up a whole twin worth of hair everyday, but no smells and it's much cleaner IMO.

DH and I removed lots of carpet from our homes in favor of hard flooring.  I scoot around with a shop vac to clean my hard floors.  It really sucks up all the cooking, yard and garden, and daily living that land on our floors.  Does a good job on cobwebs too.  I use a bag in my shop vac to minimize any dust that would escape.  Carpet in the bedrooms get cleaned with the Shark Vac.