what are you doing right now?

[chiver78]

Nov 4, 2024 13:15:46 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Nov 3, 2024 19:52:16 GMT -5 Peace77 said:

Did you see the video on The Woof World (Facebook page). The woofWorldTV on YouTube?

The dog comes in the house, turns on the water for the doggy foot bath, sticks in his front paws, turns around and washes his back paws.  Then, he barks to let his owner know he’s ready to be dried off.

Too bad the twins are heathens.

mine, too. I keep towels on the barrel chair in my front window unless I have guests that want to sit there, bc LD likes to slide his butt down the side as he sits. the chair is off-white. 🤢

[Pink Cashmere]

Nov 4, 2024 15:32:56 GMT -5 NastyWoman said:

Nov 4, 2024 15:18:19 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Married men live longer wives.  Married women live shorter lives.

There is a reason for this.

The idea that I have to train DH like a dog and give him constant praise to do things that I was expected to absorb though osmosis because I am a woman is what pisses me off.  Bullshit you don't know how to do X.  You know you are just used to having your mom enable you and you expect me to do the same.  That ain't happening I am your wife and partner not your house bitch.

No way I would praise DH for taking out the garbage AFTER it has gotten to the point where he can't cram more into it and half of it is on the floor as in Pink's example.  That's blatant deliberate incompetence hoping someone else will have had enough before you do and take the garbage out.

Mister shouldn't be cleaning because Pink is "mad at him" he should be cleaning because that is what adults do and he respects his partner enough to not want her to live with garbage on the floor.  He'll likely stop doing it the moment he feels she isn't pissed at him anymore.

Real change deserves recognition.  Performance art to get your nagging ball and chain off your back does not.

Nope, it is not. That is blatant indifference or entitlement and has absolutely nothing to do with incompetence weaponized or not.

I actually think my post about it might have been confusing, because even after the trash overflows, he often still does not take it out, I take it out myself, even though Mister is supposed to handle the trash. And I pick up/sweep the pantry and laundry room because trash has fallen on the floor after there was no more room in the trash cans. And by the next day, there is likely to be trash on the floor again next to the trash cans, even though they aren’t overflowing again yet, just because they can’t be bothered to pick up what they had that landed beside the trash can instead of in it. That doesn’t include the random trash they drop and leave on the floor throughout the house. It drives me crazy! 

It is indifference. Having trash everywhere does not bother anyone in the house, but me.

I was raised to not litter. Do not throw trash out of car windows, do not throw trash on the ground, at home or in public. I very clearly remember my Mom being very serious about teaching me that. So if it is ingrained in me to not litter and throw trash anywhere except a trash receptacle in public places, it is only natural that I don’t like litter around my home and trash all over my house. 

My counselor said something interesting to me when I was fussing about trash. She said that depending on how a person grew up, they might not even see the trash. I said Mister’s Mom’s home was cluttered imo, but not with trash. What felt like clutter to me in her house, was surfaces being covered with decorative items and stuff that she used, and that wasn’t her keeping a dirty home, it just looked like clutter to me because it was so “busy”, and I prefer a lot less stuff on my countertops and tables. She said that it’s possible that the trash on countertops and tables, doesn’t look much different to Mister than the clutter he is use to living with. That was an interesting perspective, but I still have a problem with trash being everywhere, whether it feels “familiar” to him and his children or not. It’s fucking trash, throw it away and take the damn trash out when the trash can is full.

[soupandstew]

I finally got a written quote from my current electric provider who has been sending me reminders to renew my contract since September but couldn't/wouldn't put their price in writing.  Sort of funny how "I guess I'll start looking around" works magic 

[azucena]

Driving teen to gf's house after school and she says I'm gonna tell you more about dr appt but I don't want to talk about it at all. Okay...

Apparently bio nut told doc that teen isn't getting any better at my house. In fact, she's getting worse since she never once has a seizure at her house. So she's going to file a restraining order on teen's behalf so that teen can't contact me and then send the police to come get teen.

Um, first off, teen is not going to be magically cured by living in a loving, stable home for six months after she spent 15+ years being mentally, physically, and emotionally abused.

Second, I'm not 100% sure that nut won't pull this off. Social services from school and children's dept has said if police show up here, teen should tell them that she's safe and wants to stay and that she's unsafe if she's returned to her mother. Teen has been known to say that she'll commit suicide rather than live there again but I'm not sure that she will go that far in front of police for fear of being committed inpatient again.

Somehow I managed to keep my mouth shut but I'm fuming once again and hate that this mentally ill woman affects my emotions so much. Fucking sucks to keep living in limbo like this.

Planning to see if teen is willing to call legal aid tomorrow to get their advice and see if they've made any progress on any of this including dental care.

[tallguy]

Nov 4, 2024 15:32:56 GMT -5 NastyWoman said:

Nov 4, 2024 15:18:19 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Married men live longer wives.  Married women live shorter lives.

There is a reason for this.

The idea that I have to train DH like a dog and give him constant praise to do things that I was expected to absorb though osmosis because I am a woman is what pisses me off.  Bullshit you don't know how to do X.  You know you are just used to having your mom enable you and you expect me to do the same.  That ain't happening I am your wife and partner not your house bitch.

No way I would praise DH for taking out the garbage AFTER it has gotten to the point where he can't cram more into it and half of it is on the floor as in Pink's example.  That's blatant deliberate incompetence hoping someone else will have had enough before you do and take the garbage out.

Mister shouldn't be cleaning because Pink is "mad at him" he should be cleaning because that is what adults do and he respects his partner enough to not want her to live with garbage on the floor.  He'll likely stop doing it the moment he feels she isn't pissed at him anymore.

Real change deserves recognition.  Performance art to get your nagging ball and chain off your back does not.

Nope, it is not. That is blatant indifference or entitlement and has absolutely nothing to do with incompetence weaponized or not.

I would suggest that passive-aggressiveness is also a possibility. 

[raeoflyte]

Nov 4, 2024 18:45:55 GMT -5 azucena said:

Driving teen to gf's house after school and she says I'm gonna tell you more about dr appt but I don't want to talk about it at all. Okay...

Apparently bio nut told doc that teen isn't getting any better at my house. In fact, she's getting worse since she never once has a seizure at her house. So she's going to file a restraining order on teen's behalf so that teen can't contact me and then send the police to come get teen.

Um, first off, teen is not going to be magically cured by living in a loving, stable home for six months after she spent 15+ years being mentally, physically, and emotionally abused.

Second, I'm not 100% sure that nut won't pull this off. Social services from school and children's dept has said if police show up here, teen should tell them that she's safe and wants to stay and that she's unsafe if she's returned to her mother. Teen has been known to say that she'll commit suicide rather than live there again but I'm not sure that she will go that far in front of police for fear of being committed inpatient again.

Somehow I managed to keep my mouth shut but I'm fuming once again and hate that this mentally ill woman affects my emotions so much. Fucking sucks to keep living in limbo like this.

Planning to see if teen is willing to call legal aid tomorrow to get their advice and see if they've made any progress on any of this including dental care.

I'm glad she told you. And that mom hasn't done anything since the appointment. I wonder if the psych was somewhat able to say that doesn't make sense.

But mostly I'm sorry you have 1 more stressor.

[Pink Cashmere]

Nov 4, 2024 18:45:55 GMT -5 azucena said:

Driving teen to gf's house after school and she says I'm gonna tell you more about dr appt but I don't want to talk about it at all. Okay...

Apparently bio nut told doc that teen isn't getting any better at my house. In fact, she's getting worse since she never once has a seizure at her house. So she's going to file a restraining order on teen's behalf so that teen can't contact me and then send the police to come get teen.

Um, first off, teen is not going to be magically cured by living in a loving, stable home for six months after she spent 15+ years being mentally, physically, and emotionally abused.

Second, I'm not 100% sure that nut won't pull this off. Social services from school and children's dept has said if police show up here, teen should tell them that she's safe and wants to stay and that she's unsafe if she's returned to her mother. Teen has been known to say that she'll commit suicide rather than live there again but I'm not sure that she will go that far in front of police for fear of being committed inpatient again.

Somehow I managed to keep my mouth shut but I'm fuming once again and hate that this mentally ill woman affects my emotions so much. Fucking sucks to keep living in limbo like this.

Planning to see if teen is willing to call legal aid tomorrow to get their advice and see if they've made any progress on any of this including dental care.

In my uneducated opinion, when a person starts trying to deal with real trauma, the process of trying to get out and deal with all the things they’ve been suppressing, can make things seem/look worse to someone on the outside looking in, before the pieces start really coming together and things truly start getting better deep down inside for the person that is living it. 

In my uneducated opinion again, when BT was living with nut, she was probably just trying to survive and suppressing all of the big emotions and feelings that she now feels like it is safe for her to try to deal with and vocalize in an effort to try to get all of those big feelings and emotions and problems outside of her for the sake of her mental health. Even though that process is better for her overall, it’s not an easy path at all, and has its own set of problems. Like acknowledging her trauma and giving voice to it, is its own kind of trauma that she has to deal with and try to work through. And I am guessing that is why she is having those seizures now, when she didn’t before, in addition to the fact that nut is still a threat to her and causing so many problems.

It is entirely possible that I don’t know what the hell I am talking about, I’ve read and learned just enough about human psychology to maybe be dangerous when I’m wrong. So this is just my opinion and it is worth even less than what you paid for it.

[Pink Cashmere]

Nov 4, 2024 18:46:51 GMT -5 tallguy said:

Nov 4, 2024 15:32:56 GMT -5 NastyWoman said:

Nope, it is not. That is blatant indifference or entitlement and has absolutely nothing to do with incompetence weaponized or not.

I would suggest that passive-aggressiveness is also a possibility. 

A very real possibility. Without getting into more long stories, I can honestly say that Mister and his parents tend(ed) to do things in a passive aggressive way instead of dealing with issues they have with each other or other people, in a forthright manner.

[toomuchreality]

Nov 4, 2024 18:45:55 GMT -5 azucena said:

Driving teen to gf's house after school and she says I'm gonna tell you more about dr appt but I don't want to talk about it at all. Okay...

Apparently bio nut told doc that teen isn't getting any better at my house. In fact, she's getting worse since she never once has a seizure at her house. So she's going to file a restraining order on teen's behalf so that teen can't contact me and then send the police to come get teen.

Um, first off, teen is not going to be magically cured by living in a loving, stable home for six months after she spent 15+ years being mentally, physically, and emotionally abused.

Second, I'm not 100% sure that nut won't pull this off. Social services from school and children's dept has said if police show up here, teen should tell them that she's safe and wants to stay and that she's unsafe if she's returned to her mother. Teen has been known to say that she'll commit suicide rather than live there again but I'm not sure that she will go that far in front of police for fear of being committed inpatient again.

Somehow I managed to keep my mouth shut but I'm fuming once again and hate that this mentally ill woman affects my emotions so much. Fucking sucks to keep living in limbo like this.

Planning to see if teen is willing to call legal aid tomorrow to get their advice and see if they've made any progress on any of this including dental care.

She constantly amazes me. As did my Ex2, even after we divorced ( and still now, 36 yrs later).
I swear, some people are just evil.
Hugs. ♡

[azucena]

Nov 4, 2024 19:08:18 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

Nov 4, 2024 18:45:55 GMT -5 azucena said:

Driving teen to gf's house after school and she says I'm gonna tell you more about dr appt but I don't want to talk about it at all. Okay...

Apparently bio nut told doc that teen isn't getting any better at my house. In fact, she's getting worse since she never once has a seizure at her house. So she's going to file a restraining order on teen's behalf so that teen can't contact me and then send the police to come get teen.

Um, first off, teen is not going to be magically cured by living in a loving, stable home for six months after she spent 15+ years being mentally, physically, and emotionally abused.

Second, I'm not 100% sure that nut won't pull this off. Social services from school and children's dept has said if police show up here, teen should tell them that she's safe and wants to stay and that she's unsafe if she's returned to her mother. Teen has been known to say that she'll commit suicide rather than live there again but I'm not sure that she will go that far in front of police for fear of being committed inpatient again.

Somehow I managed to keep my mouth shut but I'm fuming once again and hate that this mentally ill woman affects my emotions so much. Fucking sucks to keep living in limbo like this.

Planning to see if teen is willing to call legal aid tomorrow to get their advice and see if they've made any progress on any of this including dental care.

In my uneducated opinion, when a person starts trying to deal with real trauma, the process of trying to get out and deal with all the things they’ve been suppressing, can make things seem/look worse to someone on the outside looking in, before the pieces start really coming together and things truly start getting better deep down inside for the person that is living it. 

In my uneducated opinion again, when BT was living with nut, she was probably just trying to survive and suppressing all of the big emotions and feelings that she now feels like it is safe for her to try to deal with and vocalize in an effort to try to get all of those big feelings and emotions and problems outside of her for the sake of her mental health. Even though that process is better for her overall, it’s not an easy path at all, and has its own set of problems. Like acknowledging her trauma and giving voice to it, is its own kind of trauma that she has to deal with and try to work through. And I am guessing that is why she is having those seizures now, when she didn’t before, in addition to the fact that nut is still a threat to her and causing so many problems.

It is entirely possible that I don’t know what the hell I am talking about, I’ve read and learned just enough about human psychology to maybe be dangerous when I’m wrong. So this is just my opinion and it is worth even less than what you paid for it.

Pink - You're very much saying what her therapist and the good school social worker has said and what rings true to me but thank you for speaking up because it's nice to be validated.

I met one of her middle school teachers a week or so ago and she said that teen used to sleep in her class bc she'd been up taking care of the baby all night.

After the nightmare appt last week and teen sobbing all the way home, she actually didn't end up having a seizure that night or the next morning. That's the second time that I think allowing herself to cry after a traumatic or highly emotional incident has 'prevented' a seizure. A few days after the first time, I pointed that out to her. This last one is still too raw and I need her to keep telling me things from the appt but in about a week I'll point out that she didn't have a seizure. Not foolproof solution to prevent all seizures but likely correlated.

Crying wasn't a thing in my nuclear family. Not that it wasn't allowed, more like I can count on one hand the number of times I've seen my mom cry and most were at funerals. Never once saw my dad cry. So my instinct is to stuff my emotions and to avoid crying.

Watching this play out for teen has reinforced my therapy work on allowing myself to feel the tough emotions and have a good cry when I need to. And not only that but not to hide those tears from any of the 3 girls so they get better emotional modeling than I had.

Pink - in all gentleness, I can't help but wonder if you're suppressing some hard emotions and then that turns into your physical stomach issues that maybe a good cathartic cry might bypass at least sometimes.

[greenthumb59]

Spent the last two hours with the emergency alerts going off on our phones, watching the weather guys track tornadoes and storms that potentially had tornadoes.  I am pretty sure another one hit Rogers this afternoon.  We lucked out again!  I am exhausted now.  I had to stop cooking dinner cause we hid in the bathroom.  Then I finished dinner and no one really wanted to eat anymore.

Two times this week we've had tornadoes!  Yikes!

Anyone who lives east of me needs to keep their phones close.  This was a bad bad line of storms.  Remember I live in Northwest Arkansas.

[Pink Cashmere]

I talked to Mister enough today to tell him about something that happened today that irritated me. 

I noticed some small white things on the floor in the laundry room and our bedroom this morning that I didn’t know what they were. I just picked them up so I could run the Roomba without those white things causing clogs. This afternoon, I went to out a load of laundry in the dryer and when I went to clean the lint filter before I put the stuff in the dryer, I realized what the white things on the floor were. 

Mister smokes cigarettes and when I pulled the lint filter out, tobacco went everywhere, inside the dryer, on the floor, and on top of the flap that covers the lint filter. I got so irritated that I decided I  wasn’t cleaning that shit up, he could do it when he got home, and I left and went to the store. But while I was gone, I got worried that one of the dogs (mostly Boy who eats anything) might eat the tobacco on the floor, so I came back home and cleaned it all up and put my laundry in the dryer.

Years ago, I was at his home while he was at work and we got into it because he doesn’t necessarily empty his pockets before he puts his dirty clothes in the hamper and when I did laundry that day, his wallet and the contents got washed because it was in his pocket. I refused to take the blame for washing his wallet and told him that if I’m going to do his laundry, he needs to empty his pockets before he puts his dirty clothes in the hamper, because I’m not going through all the pockets on his clothes to make sure they are empty. 

Anyway I called Mister and asked if he washed his clothes yesterday. He said yes. So I told him about the mess and how I would’ve left it all for him to clean up, if not for the dogs because some of it was on the floor. I told him that even though I vacuumed the inside of the dryer and the floor, I did not vacuum underneath the flap where the lint thing lives, and there is probably more tobacco down there, and I could see that there was some lint, but I didn’t feel comfortable going that far without unplugging the dryer, which requires moving it. I told him I suggest he unplug the dryer and clean that part of it himself, because I’m not doing all that.

He said “that really upset your nerves”, as a question. I said “YES! Because that was just one more unnecessary thing I had to deal with on top of all of the other unnecessary shit I keep having to do and deal with in this house”.

I don’t remember what he said in response, because I was done talking to him or even listening to him at that point. 

I don’t care if he doesn’t take my advice and clean the dryer and it catches fire and burns the house down. It’s been made clear that it’s not MY house, so whatever. I just hope and pray that if something like that does happen, nobody gets hurt, and my car and Jeep don’t get damaged. I know it probably sounds extreme and crazy for me to say that, but that is really how I feel and think these days, and if I’m wrong, imma just have to pray on it IRT changing my mind. 

[daisylu]

Nov 4, 2024 19:47:20 GMT -5 greenthumb59 said:

Spent the last two hours with the emergency alerts going off on our phones, watching the weather guys track tornadoes and storms that potentially had tornadoes.  I am pretty sure another one hit Rogers this afternoon.  We lucked out again!  I am exhausted now.  I had to stop cooking dinner cause we hid in the bathroom.  Then I finished dinner and no one really wanted to eat anymore.

Two times this week we've had tornadoes!  Yikes!

Anyone who lives east of me needs to keep their phones close.  This was a bad bad line of storms.  Remember I live in Northwest Arkansas.

Scary stuff. Stay safe! 

[daisylu]

Nov 4, 2024 19:47:26 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

I talked to Mister enough today to tell him about something that happened today that irritated me. 

I noticed some small white things on the floor in the laundry room and our bedroom this morning that I didn’t know what they were. I just picked them up so I could run the Roomba without those white things causing clogs. This afternoon, I went to out a load of laundry in the dryer and when I went to clean the lint filter before I put the stuff in the dryer, I realized what the white things on the floor were. 

Mister smokes cigarettes and when I pulled the lint filter out, tobacco went everywhere, inside the dryer, on the floor, and on top of the flap that covers the lint filter. I got so irritated that I decided I  wasn’t cleaning that shit up, he could do it when he got home, and I left and went to the store. But while I was gone, I got worried that one of the dogs (mostly Boy who eats anything) might eat the tobacco on the floor, so I came back home and cleaned it all up and put my laundry in the dryer.

Years ago, I was at his home while he was at work and we got into it because he doesn’t necessarily empty his pockets before he puts his dirty clothes in the hamper and when I did laundry that day, his wallet and the contents got washed because it was in his pocket. I refused to take the blame for washing his wallet and told him that if I’m going to do his laundry, he needs to empty his pockets before he puts his dirty clothes in the hamper, because I’m not going through all the pockets on his clothes to make sure they are empty. 

Anyway I called Mister and asked if he washed his clothes yesterday. He said yes. So I told him about the mess and how I would’ve left it all for him to clean up, if not for the dogs because some of it was on the floor. I told him that even though I vacuumed the inside of the dryer and the floor, I did not vacuum underneath the flap where the lint thing lives, and there is probably more tobacco down there, and I could see that there was some lint, but I didn’t feel comfortable going that far without unplugging the dryer, which requires moving it. I told him I suggest he unplug the dryer and clean that part of it himself, because I’m not doing all that.

He said “that really upset your nerves”, as a question. I said “YES! Because that was just one more unnecessary thing I had to deal with on top of all of the other unnecessary shit I keep having to do and deal with in this house”.

I don’t remember what he said in response, because I was done talking to him or even listening to him at that point. 

I don’t care if he doesn’t take my advice and clean the dryer and it catches fire and burns the house down. It’s been made clear that it’s not MY house, so whatever. I just hope and pray that if something like that does happen, nobody gets hurt, and my car and Jeep don’t get damaged. I know it probably sounds extreme and crazy for me to say that, but that is really how I feel and think these days, and if I’m wrong, imma just have to pray on it IRT changing my mind. 

 
Tobacco in the dryer in would have freaked me TF out. Like, I am never using it again and it takes a LOT to get me to that point. 

[Pink Cashmere]

Nov 4, 2024 19:39:28 GMT -5 azucena said:

Nov 4, 2024 19:08:18 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

In my uneducated opinion, when a person starts trying to deal with real trauma, the process of trying to get out and deal with all the things they’ve been suppressing, can make things seem/look worse to someone on the outside looking in, before the pieces start really coming together and things truly start getting better deep down inside for the person that is living it. 

In my uneducated opinion again, when BT was living with nut, she was probably just trying to survive and suppressing all of the big emotions and feelings that she now feels like it is safe for her to try to deal with and vocalize in an effort to try to get all of those big feelings and emotions and problems outside of her for the sake of her mental health. Even though that process is better for her overall, it’s not an easy path at all, and has its own set of problems. Like acknowledging her trauma and giving voice to it, is its own kind of trauma that she has to deal with and try to work through. And I am guessing that is why she is having those seizures now, when she didn’t before, in addition to the fact that nut is still a threat to her and causing so many problems.

It is entirely possible that I don’t know what the hell I am talking about, I’ve read and learned just enough about human psychology to maybe be dangerous when I’m wrong. So this is just my opinion and it is worth even less than what you paid for it.

Pink - You're very much saying what her therapist and the good school social worker has said and what rings true to me but thank you for speaking up because it's nice to be validated.

I met one of her middle school teachers a week or so ago and she said that teen used to sleep in her class bc she'd been up taking care of the baby all night.

After the nightmare appt last week and teen sobbing all the way home, she actually didn't end up having a seizure that night or the next morning. That's the second time that I think allowing herself to cry after a traumatic or highly emotional incident has 'prevented' a seizure. A few days after the first time, I pointed that out to her. This last one is still too raw and I need her to keep telling me things from the appt but in about a week I'll point out that she didn't have a seizure. Not foolproof solution to prevent all seizures but likely correlated.

Crying wasn't a thing in my nuclear family. Not that it wasn't allowed, more like I can count on one hand the number of times I've seen my mom cry and most were at funerals. Never once saw my dad cry. So my instinct is to stuff my emotions and to avoid crying.

Watching this play out for teen has reinforced my therapy work on allowing myself to feel the tough emotions and have a good cry when I need to. And not only that but not to hide those tears from any of the 3 girls so they get better emotional modeling than I had.

Pink - in all gentleness, I can't help but wonder if you're suppressing some hard emotions and then that turns into your physical stomach issues that maybe a good cathartic cry might bypass at least sometimes.

I am glad that what I wrote made sense to you. It is a bonus that it’s not far off from what professionals have also said. 

I am not really one to cry, even though my posts over the last few years say something different lol. But for whatever reason, I’ve always tended to cry at funerals though, even when I barely knew the person that died. Several years ago DD and I were talking and she said something about her telling her friends that while she was growing up, she only ever saw me cry when she or my son had something going on that broke my heart, and she’s always hated to see me cry even when it was because of her, because those were the only few times that she saw it. 

2 years ago, when I left the funeral and burial of my best friend’s 14yo grandson, I called my children when I was leaving the cemetery, to tell them I was coming by because I needed to see them. They both were outside waiting on me when I pulled up. I was crying when I got out of my car and DD was wandering around, literally walking in circles, because she didn’t know what to do, and eventually ran inside to hide. But DS hugged me and held me while I boo hoo cried on his shoulder. I know my child, DD, well enough that I didn’t get upset about her not being able to do that in that moment. 

Anyway, you are absolutely right that I have been and still am suppressing some hard emotions about a lot of stuff in my life. Right now, I feel like I need to do whatever I need to to, to try to get my shit together, if for no reason other than to get back to a place where I have enough money to have options. And even if that means avoiding dealing with some things and suppressing some emotions…. for now. But that is for a totally different reason now than it has been in the past. I am walking a fine line now, of trying to be okay enough to function well enough to make my money and still trying to do what is best for my mental health overall. I’m not sure if that makes sense to anybody but me. 

I have cried more over the last few years, than I probably have in my whole life. And not just because of the shit with Mister. Crying doesn’t feel like a release or whatever for me, but I do let the tears flow when I can get somewhere by myself. I get mad at myself for letting Mister see me cry when he is the reason for my tears, so I try not to do that. 

[soupandstew]

Nov 4, 2024 19:47:26 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

I talked to Mister enough today to tell him about something that happened today that irritated me. 

I noticed some small white things on the floor in the laundry room and our bedroom this morning that I didn’t know what they were. I just picked them up so I could run the Roomba without those white things causing clogs. This afternoon, I went to out a load of laundry in the dryer and when I went to clean the lint filter before I put the stuff in the dryer, I realized what the white things on the floor were. 

Mister smokes cigarettes and when I pulled the lint filter out, tobacco went everywhere, inside the dryer, on the floor, and on top of the flap that covers the lint filter. I got so irritated that I decided I  wasn’t cleaning that shit up, he could do it when he got home, and I left and went to the store. But while I was gone, I got worried that one of the dogs (mostly Boy who eats anything) might eat the tobacco on the floor, so I came back home and cleaned it all up and put my laundry in the dryer.

Years ago, I was at his home while he was at work and we got into it because he doesn’t necessarily empty his pockets before he puts his dirty clothes in the hamper and when I did laundry that day, his wallet and the contents got washed because it was in his pocket. I refused to take the blame for washing his wallet and told him that if I’m going to do his laundry, he needs to empty his pockets before he puts his dirty clothes in the hamper, because I’m not going through all the pockets on his clothes to make sure they are empty. 

Anyway I called Mister and asked if he washed his clothes yesterday. He said yes. So I told him about the mess and how I would’ve left it all for him to clean up, if not for the dogs because some of it was on the floor. I told him that even though I vacuumed the inside of the dryer and the floor, I did not vacuum underneath the flap where the lint thing lives, and there is probably more tobacco down there, and I could see that there was some lint, but I didn’t feel comfortable going that far without unplugging the dryer, which requires moving it. I told him I suggest he unplug the dryer and clean that part of it himself, because I’m not doing all that.

He said “that really upset your nerves”, as a question. I said “YES! Because that was just one more unnecessary thing I had to deal with on top of all of the other unnecessary shit I keep having to do and deal with in this house”.

I don’t remember what he said in response, because I was done talking to him or even listening to him at that point. 

I don’t care if he doesn’t take my advice and clean the dryer and it catches fire and burns the house down. It’s been made clear that it’s not MY house, so whatever. I just hope and pray that if something like that does happen, nobody gets hurt, and my car and Jeep don’t get damaged. I know it probably sounds extreme and crazy for me to say that, but that is really how I feel and think these days, and if I’m wrong, imma just have to pray on it IRT changing my mind. 

DH left a facial tissue in his pockets a couple of times which put white stuff over the whole load.  He's now washing his own clothes.  Tobacco is unthinkable.  You have been talking about Boy and Newbie throwing up a lot lately and I wonder if that has something to do with the overflowing trash can b/c vomiting in dogs is not normal unless they (A) have intestinal parasites and I know you treat for those or (B) they are eating something they shouldn't or (C) have their food changed.  Since they don't run around outside unsupervised and therefore aren't eating any weird from the yard, the problem may originate inside the house

[Peace77]

Nov 4, 2024 15:57:46 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Nov 4, 2024 15:33:47 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

One of the major changes when we blended families is that DH has it embedded that people thank each other regularly for mundane household tasks. It was so weird to me.
—a meal gets handed to you and you (regardless if you’re a child or adult) say thank you
—someone does their routine chores and you notice, you say thank you.
—someone does something of yours, you say thank you

Etc.

However, once I got used to saying it and accepting someone’s thanks, the embedded acknowledgement is really nice.

Both my kids do this and I have no idea where it came from. My usual response, is "You're welcome, I slaved all day over it." (which of course is a joke because it's normally something out of the air fryer or a frozen pizza or something along those lines).

It’s a Danish tradition to say “Tak for mad”  (Thanks for the meal) for a meal that you didn’t prepare.

[soupandstew]

I've been gnawing on the issue of how to deal with my old man author.  He is obviously suffering from some form of dementia that's been coming on over the last year and a half (probably long before but that's the period in which we saw one another frequently).  He is probably dealing with some physical issues as well because he's lost an incredible amount of weight, to the point where he is almost skeletal.  He has commented to me several times that he eats virtually nothing.  

When he called me early last week to set an appointment, he did not know what month, day of the week, or date it was.  I chose not to call him when he missed our appointment this morning because I'm sure he has absolutely no memory of making an appointment.  I now understand why he sometimes called me 3 times a day about the same thing or expected me to produce hundreds of pages in a week - time has no relevance or meaning to him. 

I'm struggling with my fixer, doormat, engrained guilt nature but increasingly I realize there is little to nothing I can do that will be helpful to him, and almost any effort I make will be hurtful to me and DH.  I have a very strong suspicion that the "revisions" he would have brought today are actually a complete rewrite of the book.  I spent the better part of 15 months working on this book and I am do not wish to spend the time or money associated with doing it again.  Besides countless hours at the keyboard, I would have to buy a new laser printer, many reams of paper, and hire a guy to put the newest version on a thumb drive which the author would promptly lose, again.  I know it probably sounds like sour grapes on my part because he had his neighbor edit my edit, but that's not it.  I have no regrets about the time I spent getting to this point because I learned a lot, but I have no desire to repeat the experience. 

At this point I think the best I can offer if he contacts me again is to retype stuff and email it to him ONE TIME.  I spent countless hours emailing him the completed chapters over and over again only for him to tell me he couldn't find them.  We are talking over 200 chapters.  From there he theoretically could have someone capture the docs from the email, put them on a thumb drive, print and bind.
them, etc.  

Sorry for the long whine here

[jerseygirl]

Soup does the old author live with anyone? If do you could mail a printed copy of a page or 2 to him. The person could show or give it to him
Or probably best to just take his call, and say you don’t have time anymore

[soupandstew]

Nov 4, 2024 21:02:23 GMT -5 jerseygirl said:

Soup does the old author live with anyone? If do you could mail a printed copy of a page or 2 to him. The person could show or give it to him
Or probably best to just take his call, and say you don’t have time anymore

No, he lives alone.  He has an older brother (mid-80's) in the area but his children live on the East and West coasts.  

I think you are right in that just saying I don't have time may be the cleanest way to cut ties. I do have a copy of the thumb drives containing all his writings because at some point I want to swap my desktop computer for my laptop and ditch the $100/year cloud backup I've kept for decades because of his writings and my volunteer commitments.   

[Pink Cashmere]

Nov 4, 2024 20:24:54 GMT -5 soupandstew said:

Nov 4, 2024 19:47:26 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

I talked to Mister enough today to tell him about something that happened today that irritated me. 

I noticed some small white things on the floor in the laundry room and our bedroom this morning that I didn’t know what they were. I just picked them up so I could run the Roomba without those white things causing clogs. This afternoon, I went to out a load of laundry in the dryer and when I went to clean the lint filter before I put the stuff in the dryer, I realized what the white things on the floor were. 

Mister smokes cigarettes and when I pulled the lint filter out, tobacco went everywhere, inside the dryer, on the floor, and on top of the flap that covers the lint filter. I got so irritated that I decided I  wasn’t cleaning that shit up, he could do it when he got home, and I left and went to the store. But while I was gone, I got worried that one of the dogs (mostly Boy who eats anything) might eat the tobacco on the floor, so I came back home and cleaned it all up and put my laundry in the dryer.

Years ago, I was at his home while he was at work and we got into it because he doesn’t necessarily empty his pockets before he puts his dirty clothes in the hamper and when I did laundry that day, his wallet and the contents got washed because it was in his pocket. I refused to take the blame for washing his wallet and told him that if I’m going to do his laundry, he needs to empty his pockets before he puts his dirty clothes in the hamper, because I’m not going through all the pockets on his clothes to make sure they are empty. 

Anyway I called Mister and asked if he washed his clothes yesterday. He said yes. So I told him about the mess and how I would’ve left it all for him to clean up, if not for the dogs because some of it was on the floor. I told him that even though I vacuumed the inside of the dryer and the floor, I did not vacuum underneath the flap where the lint thing lives, and there is probably more tobacco down there, and I could see that there was some lint, but I didn’t feel comfortable going that far without unplugging the dryer, which requires moving it. I told him I suggest he unplug the dryer and clean that part of it himself, because I’m not doing all that.

He said “that really upset your nerves”, as a question. I said “YES! Because that was just one more unnecessary thing I had to deal with on top of all of the other unnecessary shit I keep having to do and deal with in this house”.

I don’t remember what he said in response, because I was done talking to him or even listening to him at that point. 

I don’t care if he doesn’t take my advice and clean the dryer and it catches fire and burns the house down. It’s been made clear that it’s not MY house, so whatever. I just hope and pray that if something like that does happen, nobody gets hurt, and my car and Jeep don’t get damaged. I know it probably sounds extreme and crazy for me to say that, but that is really how I feel and think these days, and if I’m wrong, imma just have to pray on it IRT changing my mind. 

DH left a facial tissue in his pockets a couple of times which put white stuff over the whole load.  He's now washing his own clothes.  Tobacco is unthinkable.  You have been talking about Boy and Newbie throwing up a lot lately and I wonder if that has something to do with the overflowing trash can b/c vomiting in dogs is not normal unless they (A) have intestinal parasites and I know you treat for those or (B) they are eating something they shouldn't or (C) have their food changed.  Since they don't run around outside unsupervised and therefore aren't eating any weird from the yard, the problem may originate inside the house

Idk why Newbie threw up last week when I came home just in time to get her outside before she threw up. It’s Boy that throws up all the time, all over the house. It is also Boy that eats everything he can get into. Which is another reason that I try to keep stuff off the floors and out of his reach.

So Mister told me a couple days ago that Boy can’t eat the Science Diet food, and throws up after eating it. Last week or so, his close friend had to put his dog to sleep and he brought Mister a big bag of Science Diet food and some Milkbone treats, trying to get it out of his house, because his son was so devastated about losing their dog. 

In hindsight after Mister talked, that is why Boy threw up all night that Saturday night, when I didn’t get any sleep at all between Boy constantly throwing up and other things. A few days ago, Mister said that when he’s fed them the Science Diet food, Boy always throws up. I asked him if he’d given it to them a little at a time and gradually increased it, like I always did when giving my dogs new food. He said yeah, he gave them half and half, which is not what I consider “gradual”. But that’s just me. 

 A couple days ago, I threw away a rope toy that had somehow made its way on the deck, and I saw that while Boy was tearing it apart, he was literally eating the strings he was tearing from it. That is what he does, when he tears shit up, he swallows pieces of what he is tearing apart, and I believe that is why he throws up so often. 

But I’m just being irritating because I have an issue with all the stains on the carpet in the living room, my bedroom and the other bedroom Mister sleeps in, because I get tired of having to clean the carpets more often than normal, because of the stains from Boy always throwing up. 

And even though I don’t like trash around my house period, there is also the fact that Boy gets in the trash or random stuff laying around the house sometimes and eats things he shouldn’t. A few days ago, he got on my counter and ate some chicken that was on a plate on the counter. I was bent out of shape about him getting on my kitchen counter period, but there was also the fact that it is not good for dogs to eat chicken bones.

All of that to say that as much as Mister loves Boy, even that is not enough for him to do things around the house to try to keep Boy from getting into stuff he shouldn’t. And I do believe that he really loves Boy….. so I don’t get it. The thing Mister hung from the tree last year that Boy LOVES, the bottom part deteriorated to the point that I was worried that Boy would get hurt continuing to play with it. I expressed my concerns about that for MONTHS and it was only until the last couple of weeks when I yelled and cussed at Mister about it and told him he was a piece of shit if he didn’t care enough about Boy to make it right so Boy could enjoy it safely, that he did something about it. He asked that day  “what do you want me to do” and I said take it down and replace it, tf. He took it down.

Mister is not stupid or dumb, even though it seems like it even to me sometimes. And unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, I have learned that “love” means different things to different people. When I have to fuss and start yelling and cussing to try to do what is in the best interest of Boy, who very clearly adores Mister and chooses him over anybody else, and I have no doubt that Mister is just as in love with Boy, it makes me wonder WTF is really wrong with Mister. 

[giramomma]

Just some musings.

Getting in negative-only interaction spirals blows chunks. Huge chunks.

There's no motivation to try to change when you feel like what you do will never be right/enough. I've spent my whole life not doing things right or being enough in my mother's eyes. I have very little motivation to continue to have a steady diet of that (aka- a relationship with her).

Rather, it is why bother. Which, for the longest time, that's what dad and I did. Why bother? Because when we did try, it was always wrong or not good enough because it wasn't done her way. It was easier to just not do it. At least it was just bitching over not getting any help. You can tune that out. It's harder to tune out that you are a bad person because you leave a measuring cup in the sugar bowl where it doesn't belong or the wash cloth folds are facing the wrong way in the linen closet. 

The measuring cup in the sugar bowl was particularly impactful for me. 1) I really saw how my dad really just was interested in shutting my mother up as the quickest way to get out of the situation. 2) It drove home that assigning blame was the MOST important thing in my mom's eyes and 3) it solidified in my mind that relationships were adversarial. That relationships were about winners and losers. Good people and bad people. Mom wanted to be right. She didn't want to be in a relationship with anyone.

Funny, none of that mattered to dad when he was dying. There literally was no death-bed confession from him about how he should have been better about putting things back where they belonged. His last words to me were not "and make sure those washcloth folds are going the right way." His last words were "I love you." Which, if I can believe my mom, is the gift he only gave to me.

When we needed the peanut to start cooperating, we absolutely had to work to get out of the rut of all of our interactions being negative. Yes, sometimes it felt fake. Yes, sometimes, we had to set the bar so low that she would hit the bar without any effort. Which was ridiculous. It was what it was. We could have insisted that it was all on her to reframe, do better, comply. I'm not sure that would have led to the outcome we were looking for.

We also had to find other ways. Like, even now, sometimes, we'll ask the peanut to do a 10 minutes of chores, and she'll complain. Now, I won't thank her for emptying the dishwasher, but I'll say something like "It was helpful for you to empty the dishwasher, because I can press forward with baking breakfast items and cookies" (things that she values).

We also say things like "X looks nice" when there's been effort, even if it is expected. "Oh, the bathroom looks nice. Oh, the carpet looks nice. I see you spent extra time cleaning around the edges of the sink."

So, it's not a thank you. And it is positive. And it contributes to a more positive environment. Which is a motivator. Or, at least it's not a negative interaction. 

Some days, I'm really quite shocked that DH and I managed to stay together, despite all the shit that we brought to the marriage. My last boyfriend before DH, he couldn't take all the negative interactions. Which is one of the reasons why we broke up. He labeled it as a maturity issue though. I was 19. He was shit, 26/27. I mean, some of it was a maturity thing. Most of it was due to my baggage.

[weltz]

Nov 4, 2024 21:34:01 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

Nov 4, 2024 20:24:54 GMT -5 soupandstew said:

DH left a facial tissue in his pockets a couple of times which put white stuff over the whole load.  He's now washing his own clothes.  Tobacco is unthinkable.  You have been talking about Boy and Newbie throwing up a lot lately and I wonder if that has something to do with the overflowing trash can b/c vomiting in dogs is not normal unless they (A) have intestinal parasites and I know you treat for those or (B) they are eating something they shouldn't or (C) have their food changed.  Since they don't run around outside unsupervised and therefore aren't eating any weird from the yard, the problem may originate inside the house

Idk why Newbie threw up last week when I came home just in time to get her outside before she threw up. It’s Boy that throws up all the time, all over the house. It is also Boy that eats everything he can get into. Which is another reason that I try to keep stuff off the floors and out of his reach.

So Mister told me a couple days ago that Boy can’t eat the Science Diet food, and throws up after eating it. Last week or so, his close friend had to put his dog to sleep and he brought Mister a big bag of Science Diet food and some Milkbone treats, trying to get it out of his house, because his son was so devastated about losing their dog. 

In hindsight after Mister talked, that is why Boy threw up all night that Saturday night, when I didn’t get any sleep at all between Boy constantly throwing up and other things. A few days ago, Mister said that when he’s fed them the Science Diet food, Boy always throws up. I asked him if he’d given it to them a little at a time and gradually increased it, like I always did when giving my dogs new food. He said yeah, he gave them half and half, which is not what I consider “gradual”. But that’s just me. 

 A couple days ago, I threw away a rope toy that had somehow made its way on the deck, and I saw that while Boy was tearing it apart, he was literally eating the strings he was tearing from it. That is what he does, when he tears shit up, he swallows pieces of what he is tearing apart, and I believe that is why he throws up so often. 

But I’m just being irritating because I have an issue with all the stains on the carpet in the living room, my bedroom and the other bedroom Mister sleeps in, because I get tired of having to clean the carpets more often than normal, because of the stains from Boy always throwing up. 

And even though I don’t like trash around my house period, there is also the fact that Boy gets in the trash or random stuff laying around the house sometimes and eats things he shouldn’t. A few days ago, he got on my counter and ate some chicken that was on a plate on the counter. I was bent out of shape about him getting on my kitchen counter period, but there was also the fact that it is not good for dogs to eat chicken bones.

All of that to say that as much as Mister loves Boy, even that is not enough for him to do things around the house to try to keep Boy from getting into stuff he shouldn’t. And I do believe that he really loves Boy….. so I don’t get it. The thing Mister hung from the tree last year that Boy LOVES, the bottom part deteriorated to the point that I was worried that Boy would get hurt continuing to play with it. I expressed my concerns about that for MONTHS and it was only until the last couple of weeks when I yelled and cussed at Mister about it and told him he was a piece of shit if he didn’t care enough about Boy to make it right so Boy could enjoy it safely, that he did something about it. He asked that day  “what do you want me to do” and I said take it down and replace it, tf. He took it down.

Mister is not stupid or dumb, even though it seems like it even to me sometimes. And unfortunately or fortunately, depending on how you look at it, I have learned that “love” means different things to different people. When I have to fuss and start yelling and cussing to try to do what is in the best interest of Boy, who very clearly adores Mister and chooses him over anybody else, and I have no doubt that Mister is just as in love with Boy, it makes me wonder WTF is really wrong with Mister. 

BOY really shouldn't be eating strings. The strings can get wrapped aroun his organs if they're ingested.