giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Sept 20, 2024 9:23:57 GMT -5
aczuna- I'm sorry I have to run. I would also consider that nut is making idle threats. It's been what, 6 months now, that she could have gotten BT, and hasn't. Actions always speak louder than words. I applaud that you are doing your do diligence. I would do it too. This could also be Nut escalating to get her hits, and then she will just go away when she realizes idle threats won't get her way. I just want to say that, because this could go on and off like this for the rest of the time you have BT. At some point, it could be that you all just need to be like "cool story bro" and then move on. If I had a dollar for every time my mom made idle threats, I could work one job AND completely retire at 56. It doesn't make the situation any less shitty. No child should have to deal with a lifetime of this. What it does, is help keep you and BT on an even keel. Appreciate this as DH and I have had the same thoughts. Nut was supposedly coming to first ER in Ozarks when teen got sick. Teen asked me with what car, gas money, etc. I still put hospital staff on standby. Teen texted nut a couple hours later and nut admitted not on her way. Teen spent 3 to 4 am throwing up in what seemed like some sort of combination of acid reflux and panic attack. Then she finally fell back asleep and had 3 seizures from 430 to 5 that I didn't bother to try to wake her after. She surprised me by getting up at 830 and walked in on my ugly crying in my office. She started apologizing for this being all her fault and I shut that down quick. Def good release for me to finally cry, haven't since she was hospital discharged to me and I could breath again. I talked about how crying was keeping me from panic attack. Talked about how she needs to keep talking, writing, feeling etc bc the puking was likely stress/emotion induced. Then, I snarkily asked if she preferred the seizures over the puking and we cracked some really off-putting jokes. Stuff like she prefers nighttime sleeping seizures over puking and asked if I could puke instead of ugly cry. Is it wrong for me to keep hoping that these are the final straws for Teen to cut ties with nut at least until teen gets her mental health straightened out and can deal with nut on her own healthy terms? Hoping she at least blocks phone. She's worried that texts will show undelivered and nut will get madder. My mind went to let her, maybe she'll stroke out. So. I have a "mom" phone. That is the phone I use with my mom. And only my mom. I find it helpful for a lot a reasons. And because this is a money board, I got the second line for free when Ting was running a sale. So. That is nice.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Sept 20, 2024 9:32:29 GMT -5
The other thing is that you really don't know what nut is telling other folks about the situation.
To many others, my mom presented that things were very normal/happy between us after she cut me off.
Because that is what gave mom the hit.
And, it also avoided mom having to disclose the truth about herself.
Because "everything is dandy" is a lot better than "Well, I actually have no idea how my daughter is doing since I gave her the silent treatment for x years because her inlaws moved closer to her. The only reason why I reconnected is I needed support when her dad was diagnosed with cancer."
Because, well, that would make my mom look bad. And we can't have that, even if it is the truth.
Which is why "cool story bro" really becomes your friend. Knowing your mom is emotionally like a 3-5 year old helps you detach. It's something you can remind yourself.
And we all know, when you are dealing with tantruming 3 year old, you just detach and move on.
I don't disagree with your choices to cover all bases. And, for your sakes, I also hope you find some time to detach from the crazy.
ETA: I didn't have seizures, but I was a self-injurer. From about 10-mid 30s. It's actually i think the thing that caused DH to go see someone and talk about me. Once. Now I can imagine how unsettling it must have been to see that when we were newly weds and be all like fuuuuuuck what did I get myself into.
It was bad, though. Like even after we were married, my mom would be mom, and I would hit myself to deal with it.
Once I was able to detach from mom, it got way better. And, I did start learning how to detach from mom even when we were still talking/seeing each other very regularly. That was the gift from my first therapist. Just learning how to de escalate. I didn't know that you could do that, to be honest. I spent 26 years learning that EVERYTHING was defcon 1 and needed that level of emotional reaction. . I remember when my therapist was like, umm...no it's not. and I was like "Really, no way. You mean this isn't normal?"
I still do get triggered every now and again, now. When I feel that DH is hearing or even validating me. That's when I'd get loud, and that got the kids riled. So, now I use my big girl words and say "look. You are gaslighting me. You aren't hearing me at all or listening closely to me. It is very upsetting."
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Sept 20, 2024 9:36:44 GMT -5
Last night I accidentally dropped my box of Grape Nuts cereal and let me just say - they are almost like being a mini LEGO. I'm still finding the darn things and I vacuumed and wiped down the kitchen floor. Unfortunately, they are almost a exact match to the floor tiles. I took a bunch of scrap metal and recycled it today. I finally got the rusted and crusty burn barrel gone! Want me to send Macy over? She'll find any shred of food on the floor.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Sept 20, 2024 9:54:02 GMT -5
Gira - thanks for sharing your pain. Teen does self injure. Only 3 times since she's been with us and she's told me immed after every time. The last time she tried to call me during the night to speak up before but I slept thru it. I said call but then come wake me bc I'm old and sleep like the dead. She did wake me in early Aug.
Daily I'm putting vitamin e and Neosporin on her scars and telling her that they will eventually fade along with at least some portion of the trauma and mental health struggles.
Nut is def spinning tales about teen's disobedience and how I'm some white lady trying to steal her kid. Just this week I asked teen to list all of the people in her life that absolutely know none of that is true. She slowly got to 12 and I added 20 more.
In the hospital I shared more of my dad's gaslighting which is nowhere near yours or hers. I shared how I chose not to have my dad walk me down the aisle at my wedding and cut him off for a while shortly thereafter. I shared how my dad never said a peep about that incident and neither did extended family including his but I knew everyone considered it a scandal. Just two years ago one of my aunts asked about that and how it seemed disrespectfully given my dad had paid for the wedding and my college. Um, no, DH and I paid for everything wedding, never even asked either set of parents for a cent, nor was it offered. And he didn't pay a dime of college either, never asked, never offered. His sole role in college was driving me to college interview where I earned a big scholarship and he proceeded to tell me all the things wrong about that chosen school on the way home. The only reason he drove me is because he forbade me to drive myself that far (two hours) and my mom needed to be home for something with my younger sibs.
I told teen it wasn't until I saw how dad treated DH just before and after marriage that I found the strength and courage to stick up for myself.
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gs11rmb
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Post by gs11rmb on Sept 20, 2024 9:56:06 GMT -5
[mention]azucena [/mention] , laws are different in every state. Where I live, child protective services would make you an emergency foster parent and leave BT with you. I’m greatly frustrated on your behalf that any other option would come before that. Missouri is bottom five of child services. Apparently state would rather pay for teen's care than have us continue to take on her expenses. %$@#%$@ republicans! Social worker said if we were an hour away in IL this would be no problem. After she left, teen texted me a link to our new house in IL complete with a pic of which bedroom she claims. Gotta love dark humor. Are you able to apply to become a foster parent for BT?
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Sept 20, 2024 10:00:25 GMT -5
I changed four times this morning trying to find something that didn't make me look fat or frumpy and said "professional". I don't have to wear business attire so I tend to be low in that department. I finally went with your routine white blouse and my slack are in the car. I'm still sick too. It may not have been a good idea to plough through maybe I should have rescheduled. Too late now. I'm not worried about botching the interview I do well in interviews. I'm more worried a giant ball of green snot might leak out while I am talking. I took an antihistiamine so hopefully that will dry me up by 2pm.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Sept 20, 2024 10:00:40 GMT -5
I have called and called every number I can think of including the past 3 children's services social workers we have been assigned. No one will return my calls.
I emailed and emailed and emailed.
And honestly, I've been barely surviving and holding down my job. And struggling to take care of and spend time with my DDs.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Sept 20, 2024 10:16:55 GMT -5
Some of the time they answer that teen will be 17 in Nov so she only has 1.5 yrs in the system and paperwork won't even go through in time.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Sept 20, 2024 10:19:54 GMT -5
We have this intermittently here. I am a huge fan of spiders because they eat insects, some of which I am not a fan of. That's why I only use targeted bait products that will not kill spiders. The enemy of my enemy is indeed my friend, so I welcome spiders (other than black widow and brown recluse) into my home and yard. Spider fear is real. I know they are beneficial. One of these days they will give me a literal heart attack. It's interesting how people react differently to things. Spider don't bother me at all. Critters make my skin crawl.
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soupandstew
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Post by soupandstew on Sept 20, 2024 10:28:25 GMT -5
Spider fear is real. I know they are beneficial. One of these days they will give me a literal heart attack. It's interesting how people react differently to things. Spider don't bother me at all. Critters make my skin crawl. I get very anxious and actually nauseated when I see a bear, even on TV or in the movies. When we went to Alaska last year I had to force myself to look at them at the Wildlife Center.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Sept 20, 2024 10:32:15 GMT -5
Some of the time they answer that teen will be 17 in Nov so she only has 1.5 yrs in the system and paperwork won't even go through in time. Worst case make sure you can maintain contact with her even if she goes to live somewhere else. You can continue to be a stabilizing influence if whoever she is with allows it. And let her know she can always come back when she is legally an adult. She's always welcome at your home. Know that you did what you could and you provided her with a window into what life can be like without nut in it. That will go a LONG way even if she can't stay with you. The system sucks it really sucks.
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Cheesy FL-Vol
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Post by Cheesy FL-Vol on Sept 20, 2024 12:27:37 GMT -5
I learned a new word today playing the NY Times daily Strands game. ScansionI'm not an expert on today's topic but I managed to get all of the words without any clues, a "first" for me. I'd never heard of scansion, but it was the last word and knowing the remaining letters were all one word, I played with all the possibilities before stumbling on it. Same!
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weltz
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Post by weltz on Sept 20, 2024 12:31:13 GMT -5
Some of the time they answer that teen will be 17 in Nov so she only has 1.5 yrs in the system and paperwork won't even go through in time. I wish I could help you, but you seem to be doing and saying all the right things. In any case, the laws are very, very different here.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Sept 20, 2024 12:33:18 GMT -5
We are in Dublin right now at airport hotel. We dumped the car and took our wedding clothes to mail home from a luggage shipping service. The bag also includes the yarn and sweater I bought.
Our flight tomorrow morning is at 6 am. It is direct, otherwise we’d be sitting in airports all day tomorrow. We get onto the river boat on Sunday. It will be nice not to have to pack up every day or so.
Today, on our way out of Belfast we went to the Titanic Museum. We were there for 3 hours and still couldn’t see everything. It is very well done and well worth a visit if you are ever in Belfast.
Drinking my last Bulmers of this trip. I’m going to miss this cider as I know I have never seen it in WA.
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chiver78
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Post by chiver78 on Sept 20, 2024 12:36:13 GMT -5
We are in Dublin right now at airport hotel. We dumped the car and took our wedding clothes to mail home from a luggage shipping service. The bag also includes the yarn and sweater I bought. Our flight tomorrow morning is at 6 am. It is direct, otherwise we’d be sitting in airports all day tomorrow. We get onto the river boat on Sunday. It will be nice not to have to pack up every day or so. Today, on our way out of Belfast we went to the Titanic Museum. We were there for 3 hours and still couldn’t see everything. It is very well done and well worth a visit if you are ever in Belfast. Drinking my last Bulmers of this trip. I’m going to miss this cider as I know I have never seen it in WA. it is marketed in the US as Magner's.
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