bean29
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Post by bean29 on Aug 8, 2024 9:23:03 GMT -5
Well, I stopped at the AL facility on my way home last night, and everything in my mom's room was moved around. Not only was her closet was rearranged, the statues and figiurines and pictures were moved around even stuff that had been hanging on the wall. G had been there. I knew she had been there b/c she called N and told her and because she had signed in on the log. I can't tell you how upset I was. At first, I thought G was responsible, I called my DB and he said he would come over. It took him a bit to get there, but I had asked him to bring AAA batteries for a makeup mirror I bought for mom, so he might have gone to the store. Before he came in, he talked to G on the phone. She said when she got Mom was packed up and she said she was going home. She is signed in on the log as being there 45 minutes, but N said she was with my mom several hours. DB talked to her and told her this is where mom lives now, she is not safe at home, and she will not be moving back home. DB and his family leave on Saturday for A week or more in FL. I just know he said they will not be in town next Saturday still. Anyways, while I was there, the Assistant Administrator came in and an Aide. The Administrator L said she had reorganized some stuff because the room was complete chaos and she had put some stuff back in the closet so you could walk through the room. She said when mom went to dinner G was still in mom's room moving stuff around. She said the Administrator M or J the Business Manager would call me today, idk if they will or not as they notified patient families yesterday that they had 4 covid cases and I think things were kind of Chaotic yesterday. Don't know if they will have time today, and they know DB and I were there to put stuff back in order, but L seemed to think G had created part of the Chaos.
I did not put stuff away until DB got there, b.c I wanted him to see what it looked like, and b.c. a shelf that had knick nack stuff on it was in the corner behind the bed and was now in the closet with shoes and clothing on it and a set of drawers that was on the left side of the closet was now on the right side of the closet. It was heavy enough that I could not have easily moved it. I had DB do it. Idk if mom could have done that. My mom also is not one to move things around once she has them in place. DB and his wife decided where everything was to go though. She did ask me if the picture of her parent's farm could be moved on the wall over her bed and I ended up telling her no, it was too heavy to hang over her head. When DB got there, we put the room back to order. It took us nearly 2 hours. The room is only about 11x11 at most. Her cable was now working and she was watching everybody loves Raymond. She had positive words to say about being there, and said she had dinner with two very nice ladies. She did ask about her house. DB and I told her it is still there and we are doing some work on it, but DB was firm that "You live here now". He told G to let mom settle in for a week or so, and then she can visit again, but that she would not be moving back home. G said she would wait a week or so before she visits again. I don't think G will lie to us, I think she is too religious to do that, so hopefully DB got her settled down.
DB is going over today to install a curtain rod and hang a curtains, so he can make sure mom does not pack up to go home again. I think I may have DS stop in tomorrow, will see what Administrator says. Sat I take her to church and I am going to have DS stop in Sun if she does not go Friday. DB is so calm and firm with handling everything. I will miss him if there are any issues next week, but DS and I can handle whatever we need to. After I looked at N's text I really need to follow up with her, but I must get some work done first.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Aug 8, 2024 10:58:23 GMT -5
That's too bad, bean29. To confound and confuse your mother and move everything around so that it took hours to correct--ugh. Hang in there.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Aug 8, 2024 10:59:20 GMT -5
While she's probably thinking her heart is in the right place I would very firmly and politely tell G that she can't take it upon herself to "help" your mom. Nursing home rooms are set up for safety and ease of staff being able to assist residents. She can't come in and rearrange things or leave the room a mess for the staff to clean up.
It is also distressing for the patients to have their rooms changed up.
If she can't respect that you'll have to tell the home she's not allowed to visit. Or it is quite possible they will tell her that themselves if she does it enough times.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Aug 8, 2024 13:18:18 GMT -5
My cousin was talking her friends in to taking her to her home to bring back stuff that her nieces had the facility tell her that her place was already too crowded and some stuff would have to go. They had the realtor tell her that the buyer of her house wanted everything in the house and she was not to go back and bring things over.
Then they changed the locks to her house.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Aug 9, 2024 9:19:08 GMT -5
Stopped to visit mom for a few minutes last night. Dropped off a small Afghan I washed. And a few other things. She was in a good mood and her room looked pretty orderly. She did have a full hamper by her chair, I did not look to see what was in it. DS brought up if mom had stuff packed in it, how would the staff know what dirty clothes to wash. DB said she called 3 x yesterday asking to go home. DB just keeps telling her you live there now. Locks were changed on Tuesday. I just casually mentioned it to DB and he acted on it right away. I had been there enough when G came in with her key to realize it was a potential issue. N said she did not think G would try to take mom home. G was there 1 hour and 35 minutes yesterday per the log. DB thought she told him she would stay away for a week, but she did tell mom's neighbor that she was going to keep going every day. I didn't think she had it in her to lie, but then I remembered that some religious groups don't consider promises made to non-practicing members of their faith to count. N said mom's friend and neighbor MC died yesterday. Mom will hear when I take her to church on Sat. She and her Husbands were ushers for church and she was a total sweetheart. We will miss her. She fell off the porch a few weeks ago when they came home from church. They live on a street that is all duplexes, the it is about two steps up to the 1st floor unit, so the porch wasn't that high up, but she broke her hip. So sad, but I told N, that is one of the things we were concerned about with mom. Falling outside or falling down the steep steps to the basement.
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lurkyloo
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Post by lurkyloo on Aug 9, 2024 11:40:58 GMT -5
Stopped to visit mom for a few minutes last night. Dropped off a small Afghan I washed. And a few other things. She was in a good mood and her room looked pretty orderly. She did have a full hamper by her chair, I did not look to see what was in it. DS brought up if mom had stuff packed in it, how would the staff know what dirty clothes to wash. DB said she called 3 x yesterday asking to go home. DB just keeps telling her you live there now. Locks were changed on Tuesday. I just casually mentioned it to DB and he acted on it right away. I had been there enough when G came in with her key to realize it was a potential issue. N said she did not think G would try to take mom home. G was there 1 hour and 35 minutes yesterday per the log. DB thought she told him she would stay away for a week, but she did tell mom's neighbor that she was going to keep going every day. I didn't think she had it in her to lie, but then I remembered that some religious groups don't consider promises made to non-practicing members of their faith to count. N said mom's friend and neighbor MC died yesterday. Mom will hear when I take her to church on Sat. She and her Husbands were ushers for church and she was a total sweetheart. We will miss her. She fell off the porch a few weeks ago when they came home from church. They live on a street that is all duplexes, the it is about two steps up to the 1st floor unit, so the porch wasn't that high up, but she broke her hip. So sad, but I told N, that is one of the things we were concerned about with mom. Falling outside or falling down the steep steps to the basement. I want to acknowledge this, but there’s a lot of stuff in here I can’t like. Wishing you strength.
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lurkyloo
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Post by lurkyloo on Aug 9, 2024 13:27:34 GMT -5
Mom will be released from rehab probably Monday but still needs enough physical support with bathroom stuff that she is going to stay on for respite care until I can get out there Labor Day weekend-ish. OB is currently working on replacing the carpet (current stuff is shag and pile too deep for walker safety). YB will replace/store the beautiful original 1930s study door with a temporary one so we can drill into it and put a lock on. I’m talking to the locksmith about biometric locks (key/combo backup) on the theory that she can’t lose her fingerprint. With aides and possibly therapists in and out of the house, and her already accusing YB of stealing, it’s just common sense that she needs to be able to lock valuables away (There’s a lot of semi-sensitive files in there plus an open safe that I don’t think anyone has the combination to, that would be a pain to move.)
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Aug 9, 2024 14:16:12 GMT -5
Mom will be released from rehab probably Monday but still needs enough physical support with bathroom stuff that she is going to stay on for respite care until I can get out there Labor Day weekend-ish. OB is currently working on replacing the carpet (current stuff is shag and pile too deep for walker safety). YB will replace/store the beautiful original 1930s study door with a temporary one so we can drill into it and put a lock on. I’m talking to the locksmith about biometric locks (key/combo backup) on the theory that she can’t lose her fingerprint. With aides and possibly therapists in and out of the house, and her already accusing YB of stealing, it’s just common sense that she needs to be able to lock valuables away (There’s a lot of semi-sensitive files in there plus an open safe that I don’t think anyone has the combination to, that would be a pain to move.) Yeah, Tuesday night I left mom's AL room with her computer and last night I brought the password book home with me. I wrote mom a note that I took it though, so she is not looking for it. Glad you are able to put a biometric lock up. Hopefully your mom will remember how to use it. My mom has a call button she is supposed to wear around her neck. Push the button if you need help. I do not have a lot of confidence she will remember that is an option if she ever needs help though.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Aug 9, 2024 14:31:54 GMT -5
My parents refused to wear the call buttons "because we have each other". After mom died, dad still refused to use it. He said he didn't need it.
He did need it as he was now alone and profoundly deaf.
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lurkyloo
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Post by lurkyloo on Aug 9, 2024 16:20:57 GMT -5
My parents refused to wear the call buttons "because we have each other". After mom died, dad still refused to use it. He said he didn't need it. He did need it as he was now alone and profoundly deaf. I think my mother might possibly be coming around to accept that she is having some memory issues. But man there is so much mental scar tissue built up in terms of anger at YB I’m not sure I’d ever be able to chip it all away. For now I’m encouraging baby steps of him doing contractor-type smaller things that OB and I aren’t set up to do, and using them as examples of see, he cares about you and wants you to be safe even if you guys have too much bad blood to talk right now. Uphill. Battle. I decided my line in the sand is that I don’t need to have anything to do with SIL. Bitten my tongue just about through being the bigger person but there are limits. I don’t think an apple watch is practical bc they need to be charged so regularly, and the mini homepods I bought her disappeared into her room, unplugged. OB will try to get her to wear a medalert bracelet or necklace. I’ll leave a backup key with her, but I think she’ll be able to manage with the fingerprint lock. I can talk her through it on the phone if I need to, and I’ll make her practice while I’m there. She makes new memories, it just takes a lot more repetition than it should.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Aug 9, 2024 17:04:36 GMT -5
Both parents were so stubborn about the call buttons. They thought they were being spied on. But neither seemed to realized there was a sensor in the apartment that if no one walked by every 24 hours, it would notify the office. That was why we had to check each one out if we took them somewhere overnight.
They were in independent living, but the office still had some responsibility for them and that is why the sensor was there and why the call buttons were to be worn.
They had a waterproof necklace so they could be worn in the shower. Both said they would never wear them in the shower. The shower was my biggest fear after my gallbladder surgery and again when I had blood clots. But they didn't need to be worn in the shower.
The residents all had to go to the parking garage during tornado warnings. If it was after 9 PM, dad had no idea that he was supposed go go because he went to bed exactly at 9 PM and the hearing aids were out. Then he would be upset that someone just came in and made him go to the garage while he was sleeping.
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lurkyloo
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Post by lurkyloo on Aug 11, 2024 9:08:01 GMT -5
On the other side: FIL’s bday Friday, so DS and I dropped by with cupcakes (avoided MIL). Less lucky yesterday, SIL and her partner came out and brought dinner for everyone. MIL kept trying to advise me on my mother’s care, despite my polite but absolute refusal to engage on it, brought up how much she’d done for Aunt L (the one who refused all attempts to help and died of a stroke at home and MIL called to scream at DH for not preventing it? Ya that one). I tried to show her one photo of DS on my phone, she grabbed my phone, started swiping on it, and when I asked for it back she didn’t give it back until I asked a second time with an edge in my voice. I think she was trying to send herself the photos but she sure as hell didn’t ask first. Last night she went to the ER for a fall, and DH had to go stay with FIL. I hate that my mind goes there but I find the timing awfully suspicious DH has been asked to keep her on a tighter information diet about my mother. Really enjoyed SIL’s partner shutting her down, nicely but completely, when she tried to extol the virtues of Elon Musk tho
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lurkyloo
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Post by lurkyloo on Aug 12, 2024 13:41:10 GMT -5
Oof. Busy stressy weekend. She was supposed to be discharged from rehab today but didn’t have a safe place to be discharged to. OB is calling a bunch of places trying to set up respite care. I submitted an insurance appeal and they agreed to cover a little more time in rehab. Worst case the existing facility has an unfurnished studio available, which would be a pain but at least we could get her furniture out of the bedroom at home to get the carpet replaced? But that would need to wait for OB to get back this weekend. Meanwhile I spent most of the morning on the phone but ascertained that she did not have a needed urologist appt scheduled, so I set one up and the facility will transport her there. I am considering whether to try to make it out for that-OB is off on a side trip (much needed bc they are driving each other batty…he also seems stressed to the point that he’s not focusing/prioritizing his efforts effectively). I wish I could trust that she would see and answer a phone call because I could be just as effective remotely But there would other benefits, like getting a first person idea on whether her hoarding/organization is as bad as OB claims. I thought her house was full but not actually dangerous or excessively worrisome, BFF agreed with that after her visit just before the drama started. Also could get carpet arranged if not installed. Oh well. Progress anyway.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Aug 13, 2024 14:21:49 GMT -5
Oof. Busy stressy weekend. She was supposed to be discharged from rehab today but didn’t have a safe place to be discharged to. OB is calling a bunch of places trying to set up respite care. I submitted an insurance appeal and they agreed to cover a little more time in rehab. Worst case the existing facility has an unfurnished studio available, which would be a pain but at least we could get her furniture out of the bedroom at home to get the carpet replaced? But that would need to wait for OB to get back this weekend. Meanwhile I spent most of the morning on the phone but ascertained that she did not have a needed urologist appt scheduled, so I set one up and the facility will transport her there. I am considering whether to try to make it out for that-OB is off on a side trip (much needed bc they are driving each other batty…he also seems stressed to the point that he’s not focusing/prioritizing his efforts effectively). I wish I could trust that she would see and answer a phone call because I could be just as effective remotely But there would other benefits, like getting a first person idea on whether her hoarding/organization is as bad as OB claims. I thought her house was full but not actually dangerous or excessively worrisome, BFF agreed with that after her visit just before the drama started. Also could get carpet arranged if not installed. Oh well. Progress anyway. My mother was not a hoarder, but there is a lot of stuff piled up in her bedroom. We think it is going to be a lot of paperwork-like mail she just could not make decisions on. DS found some $243 in cash and a few checks in her dresser on Sunday. There are a lot of books that I think I can safely trash but DS informed me that I need to page through them and make sure there is not $$ in the books. I don't think my mom was in the habit, but when dementia is setting in, decision-making processes can be changing. In early spring one of my mom's friends suggested a gathering of friends at my mom's so DS and I spend some time decluttering piles of paperwork in other areas of the house. I hope your DB is successful in finding a safe place for your mother to get respite care.
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lurkyloo
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Post by lurkyloo on Aug 16, 2024 16:07:31 GMT -5
OB was horrified to find $318 and a bunch of not-laundry stuff in the laundry hamper. My mother stated firmly that she put it there on purpose and I believe her. Yikes. Traumatic trip. For 8:10 am urology appt, be there by 7:50, she was supposed to have transport. Spoiler: she did not, and they kept insisting she probably would, and I wound up booking it across town then back to take her myself. Appt was a shitshow. She got lightheaded nauseous and dizzy while discussing (this is genetic and happens to me as well when confronted with blood guts etc), begged to lie down, they wouldn’t let her out of the wheelchair, then she fainted (but the NP thought it was a seizure). She came to, then it happened again bc they still wouldn’t let her out of the wheelchair. Then we spent four hours of precious on the ground time going to the ER where they basically confirmed it was fainting Stopped by the carpet place she liked on the way back, she picked out something, then heard it was 6 weeks to get it installed. I spent a good chunk of time calling around trying to find a place that could do it before OB left, and eventually lucked out after a lot of legwork. Even got her approval on the single appropriate in stock option. It’s now set for Tuesday installation Also spent time worrying about and taking her to tour a couple of post-rehab respite places. One place was the winner until they said oh yeah we charge a 4K one time fee for every person, even for respite We are now going with the second choice place, which is the better fit really except she hates it being so far out of town. In the meantime I cleaned off her and Dad’s dressers, which were several inches deep in clutter and extremely dusty; did some incidental sorting of stacks of paper, hauled her around with wheelchair (damn I love my Focus station wagon, perfect elder transport height and easy wheelchair loading), got her signed up for informed delivery and the patient portal, and ran various other errands. OB has been out of contact mostly and pretty useless since most of these things need prompt decisions. Finally left yesterday, after multiple delays and having to run a key over to BFF’s mom for the carpet measurement. Got a call from Mom that she was going back to the hospital bc her incision was bleeding. Infection, sounds like-they were going to put in a drain I think. Her room phone was busy when I tried to call a bit ago so I assume she made it through. Got a couple of emails from OB around hour 5 of the 8+ hour drive back yesterday-one said he’d asked the rehab place to call me since he was driving and not very available Got in after 10:30 pm, asked OB to handle a couple of time sensitive things, he did not.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Aug 16, 2024 17:47:59 GMT -5
I feel for you.
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bookkeeper
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Post by bookkeeper on Aug 26, 2024 15:34:40 GMT -5
Selling the house I grew up in is progressing one step at a time. We have had our meeting with the attorney who reviewed the trust and established ownership and basis for the property.
I forwarded that information to the CPA and he has worked out a tax estimate for what the auctioneer thought it would sell for. I talked with my brother the trustee today and encouraged him to get on the auctioneer's schedule for next spring. He promised to get his trustee documents to the auctioneer to verify he has the right to sell the property. We still need to separate the house and yard from the 160 acres it sits on, but the auctioneer has stated that his office can handle that.
I would like to see it sell in April or May of next year. The house is empty and freshly painted inside and out. Maybe by next spring we will all wrap our head around the idea of giving up our family home.
We have been busy adulting this year. Oh, and Mom is still being somewhat awful to my brother. It is sad to see their relationship continue to degrade. I bought her plane ticket to TX for the first week in October. My family members each need to go to a far corner away from each other.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Aug 26, 2024 19:48:14 GMT -5
I think I am happy mom and dad sold our house about 20 years after I left home.
When they turned my room in to the dining room, it no longer felt like home.
I don't think I could watch the auction of my family home.
The one we lived in when I was young is in such sad shape that I can't bear to drive past it. A group did a volunteer project and fixed up the outside about 10 years ago but it looks as bad now as it did before they fixed it up.
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lurkyloo
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Post by lurkyloo on Aug 27, 2024 13:32:16 GMT -5
Having a mini breakdown. Somehow my mothers crises always happen when I have the least bandwidth.
She’s being released from rehab, they tried to bait and switch to permanent placement rather than respite, and the social worker informed me they had two doctors examine her and determine that she can’t make her own decisions, so my mPOA is active.
Fuck.
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lurkyloo
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Post by lurkyloo on Aug 27, 2024 13:36:14 GMT -5
She’ll go to respite care anyway, bc they don’t get to bait and switch-I changed that back. But goddamnit.
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Bonny
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Post by Bonny on Aug 27, 2024 14:21:33 GMT -5
Having a mini breakdown. Somehow my mothers crises always happen when I have the least bandwidth. She’s being released from rehab, they tried to bait and switch to permanent placement rather than respite, and the social worker informed me they had two doctors examine her and determine that she can’t make her own decisions, so my mPOA is active. Fuck. Try to step back and breathe. This may be for the best...in the long run. Hopefully you have a support system for you.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Aug 27, 2024 14:51:41 GMT -5
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Aug 27, 2024 14:59:21 GMT -5
She’ll go to respite care anyway, bc they don’t get to bait and switch-I changed that back. But goddamnit. I'm sorry. I saw your brother took off for Eastern Europe so it's kind of in your hands at the moment.
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lurkyloo
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Post by lurkyloo on Aug 27, 2024 15:19:22 GMT -5
She’ll go to respite care anyway, bc they don’t get to bait and switch-I changed that back. But goddamnit. I'm sorry. I saw your brother took off for Eastern Europe so it's kind of in your hands at the moment. My brother is pretty useless on the figuring out what to do front anyway There’s a reason I am medical POA-several, actually. But I could really have done without the no key to the house drama. Thanks all for the support.
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lurkyloo
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Post by lurkyloo on Aug 27, 2024 15:20:35 GMT -5
Having a mini breakdown. Somehow my mothers crises always happen when I have the least bandwidth. She’s being released from rehab, they tried to bait and switch to permanent placement rather than respite, and the social worker informed me they had two doctors examine her and determine that she can’t make her own decisions, so my mPOA is active. Fuck. Try to step back and breathe. This may be for the best...in the long run. Hopefully you have a support system for you. My birth family sucks but I couldn’t ask for a better nuclear/chosen one.
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lurkyloo
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Post by lurkyloo on Aug 28, 2024 9:00:14 GMT -5
Okay. OB stepped up and found the key, arranged clothes delivery, and filed the insurance appeal simply bc it would be easier for me if she’s discharged Tuesday instead of Friday. I don’t necessarily expect that they’ll grant it but it’s worth a shot. If they decline it probably just means a few extra days in respite.
It’s looking like she is probably stuck with a catheter, although withholding judgment until the urologist calls me back after Monday’s appointment. They’ll try to train her on catheter care in respite. I’m anticipating extra aide visits for the catheter but we’ll see. Possible insurance might help there.
Once she transfers to respite I’ll start planning the aides. I want a weekly or so visit even in respite care so she can get used to them and let me know if she doesn’t like whoever, also so they can take her out to do whatever. She’s very social and it’s hard on her to be alone and stuck in a facility so much. She’s not able to drive herself yet I don’t think.
She was in a better mood yesterday, had a long visit with OB’s friend, and then called and listened to me read Tom Sawyer to DS last night.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Aug 28, 2024 9:12:28 GMT -5
An aide for the catheter IMO is invaluable. FIL had one and I lost count of how many times SIL, BIL and DH were up in the middle of the night having to fix it. He got a lot of UTIs too which isn't uncommon with catheters in elderly people.
The hospice nurses FINALLY convinced them to call when FIL had catheter issues and it made a world of difference in terms of how much caretaking they had to take on. DH actually was able to sleep a full night.
It's not impossible to care for your own catheter but it seems when it gets to where elderly people need one it is because they can't care for themselves downstairs. Which naturally translates into difficulties with the catheter itself.
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lurkyloo
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“Time means nothing now,” said Toad. “It is just the thing that happens between snacks.”
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Post by lurkyloo on Aug 28, 2024 10:39:11 GMT -5
Crap. I had really hoped to avoid a long term overnight caregiver because $$$.
She’s able to perform a lot of daily living tasks, so I will hold out hope that she might be able to deal with it on her own with twice daily aide visits. Trying to figure out if there’s an on-call kind of service in case of emergency.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Aug 28, 2024 15:31:59 GMT -5
Glad to hear you OB is taking care of some issues for you. I hope you find the right solution with your mother's care. My Dad had a catheter and was cared for at home by my mom/visiting CNA's/Nurses for many years. Mom did say though that if something happened in the middle of the night, it always seemed to take a long time for help to arrive.
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lurkyloo
Junior Associate
“Time means nothing now,” said Toad. “It is just the thing that happens between snacks.”
Joined: Jan 8, 2011 11:26:56 GMT -5
Posts: 5,984
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Post by lurkyloo on Aug 28, 2024 15:52:51 GMT -5
Good news: urologist finally called me back with a plan. She didn’t think overnight care was going to be necessary, even if catheter was. Bad news: she has pressure ulcer on her rear end that is unstageable and therefore the respite place can’t take her after all. Back to scrambling FML.
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