Aging Parent Support Thread

[Bonny]

I asked midjd to lock my thread on Why do I bother because I thought it had run its course. What I'd like (and hopefully get this thread pinned) is to start an Aging Parent Support Thread.

You are welcomed to vent, lament and cry but what I'm really interested in is what support and techniques you've used to get through this difficult period.

Thanks all in advance for sharing your stories.

[plugginaway22]

I will be following as my parents are approaching 80 and I see the signs of decline...sad!

[risehappy]

Great idea for a thread. It is a very challenging time. I am coming up on the one-year anniversary of losing my father. I wish we still had him with us, but I don't envy the struggle anyone caring for aging parents is going through.

Last year at this time, I was getting ready to take a paid (thank goodness) leave from work to care for him because he needed care for all waking hours IN his assisted living facility beyond what they could provide. It is never easy -- or cheap.

I will be happy to contribute knowledge from what I learned from him and the loss of my mother five years ago, but I will certainly share that my thoughts are with everyone trying to manage it all. Sometimes is feels like there is a lot of patience from friends, colleagues, work, etc., for childcare issues, but that grace does not extend to parental issues and those are even more stressful at times (unless the children are special needs, of course). 

[Gardening Grandma]

This is past tense for me, but I can share what helped when my sister and I were dealing with it.  Also with MIL...

First, get all the support you can from siblings if you have them.  Try to avoid having it all pile on you.  It's very, very difficult for one person (I really feel for only children at this point)

Second, get acquainted with their health insurance, learn about Medicare, Medicaid, their supplemental policies if they have them.  If you suspect they aren't being honest with their doctor, go with them (offer to drive and ask if you can sit in).  I found out that my MIL was giving her doctor the "everything is fine" spiel with that was not true.

Do they live near you or far away?  We dealt with my mother's issues long distance (she lived in Japan) as long as we could.  Every six months one of us went to "visit" (clean her house, soothe the neighbors she had insulted even though they were looking in on her, evaluating whether she was functioning well enough to continue without interferrence)

Try (if possible) to get a handle on their finances: can they afford some help?  If not, what do they qualify for?  There is quite a lot of resources out there for low income seniors, but often they don't know how to find it (or they are too proud).  

Take care of yourself.  It is incredibly stressful.  It is hard on you and on your family.  Be kind to yourself.

[zibazinski]

A lot of places Meals on Wheels has been done away with but if your area has it, go for it. I think now you have to be on Medicaid to get it but it didn’t used to be that way. I knew a wealthy older man who got it. His wife arranged it when she went into the nursing home. It’s like 6 days a week. Extra meal on Saturday for Sunday. If that’s not available then try churches or synagogues.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Aug 7, 2018 18:02:00 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

A lot of places Meals on Wheels has been done away with but if your area has it, go for it. I think now you have to be on Medicaid to get it but it didn’t used to be that way. I knew a wealthy older man who got it. His wife arranged it when she went into the nursing home. It’s like 6 days a week. Extra meal on Saturday for Sunday. If that’s not available then try churches or synagogues.

They need to call about this.  My dad used to deliver Meals on Wheels, and being on Medicaid was not a delivery criteria.

For those on Medicaid, it could be free but they may request a nominal amount for the service.  Meals on Wheels also delivers pet food, or it did in NY.

[Happy prose]

In my county, the senior services/office on aging was great. My dad lived alone, and in a wheel chair. When he got dx'd with cancer, I was able to arrange for them to pick him up daily for his radiation treatments. I was able to take days off for regular doctor visits. Thankfully, he lived about 25 minutes away from me. My husband worked nights, me full time days, and my daughter was involved in every sport the town and school had. After her games, we would bring him his groceries, clean, etc. I know it's a very hard time you're going through. 

[TheOtherMe]

Aug 7, 2018 18:15:06 GMT -5 The Walk of the Penguin Mich said:

Aug 7, 2018 18:02:00 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

A lot of places Meals on Wheels has been done away with but if your area has it, go for it. I think now you have to be on Medicaid to get it but it didn’t used to be that way. I knew a wealthy older man who got it. His wife arranged it when she went into the nursing home. It’s like 6 days a week. Extra meal on Saturday for Sunday. If that’s not available then try churches or synagogues.

They need to call about this.  My dad used to deliver Meals on Wheels, and being on Medicaid was not a delivery criteria.

For those on Medicaid, it could be free but they may request a nominal amount for the service.  Meals on Wheels also delivers pet food, or it did in NY.

In Iowa, unless a person is already on Meals on Wheels, you now must be on Medicaid.  No pet food delivery here either.  Also only receive meals for 5 days a week and they have a lot more holidays than they did when parents first went on Meals on Wheels.  They also suddenly decide there will be no meal tomorrow.  That is a big problem as they don't leave extra meals this time of year.  They do in the winter.

Since dad will only pay $5 per meal because that is all he pays at Dairy Queen, he isn't helping out by paying his share.  However, 5 years ago, he would only pay $3 per meal.  Maybe before he dies, he will pay the suggested amount.

At this time, he does have an option if Meals on Wheels has to shut down due to lack of funding.  While he lives in independent living, the facility also has assisted living and his lunch will be delivered to him at a cost of $7 per day.  

[zibazinski]

Plus that means someone is checking on the senior daily. I’ve been calling my uncle twice a day and my two aunts are as well. Plus inviting him to lunch. The mooches are arriving tonight so he’ll be cut off from us again.

[Bonny]

I'll share that at this point both DH and I have agreed that neither remaining parent (his mother, my father) are too difficult to deal with and cannot live with us (nor will move in with them). MIL lives about 550 miles in the Portland OR area and Dad lives in NE San Diego County.

MIL is 83 lives in a 3,000 two story home she bought when she was 65. She actually upsized her living quarters when she retired. Currently she has a woman who comes in 5x a week to help and gets some part time help from the woman's daughter. It's not an ideal situation as the woman is in this country illegally and doesn't have a driver's license but drives. The lady is a sweetheart and we are grateful for the help even if it's not ideal. MIL is verbally abusive and licensed caregivers quit. MIL is still driving but shouldn't. The real upside is that MIL bought a Cadillac LTC policy and the help she receives at home is fully reimbursed so long as she submits her paperwork. DH and I have durable POA for her. DH is an only child and is the main beneficiary and Trustee of her Trust. She is in relatively good physical health save for her COPD. She has mental stuff going on including having memory issues.

My father is 82 and lives with his 82 y/o g/f in a 2500 sq.ft. home on 2.5 acres. He has recently finished up 35x radiation and supplemental chemotherapy for an aggressive form of squamous cell carcinoma in his tear duct. Doctors have told him he has a 90% chance of losing his eye. When that happens I think it will trigger a change in his living situation. His biggest issue is that he and Mom filed for BK when they were 58 & 60. Mom was the primary breadwinner for the last 20 years of their marriage and divorced him after the BK was complete. He has never recovered financially and is on poverty level Medicaid and food stamps. G/f is in a much different financial situation and also has LTC insurance. When they have to move I think there's a good chance that they will not be living together as she has a lot more options than he. I understand that many nursing care facilities have a long waiting list and DH and I may be funding Dad's care until space opens up. That may cost $10k/month. The one bright side is that after 10 years my father finally reconciled with my brother. My brother and his two oldest sons are in So. CA and are regularly visiting him. That takes a big load off of me of being the only family contact.

[zibazinski]

You sure have to know what state to get old in.

[TheOtherMe]

Aug 7, 2018 17:14:15 GMT -5 Gardening Grandma said:

This is past tense for me, but I can share what helped when my sister and I were dealing with it.  Also with MIL...

First, get all the support you can from siblings if you have them.  Try to avoid having it all pile on you.  It's very, very difficult for one person (I really feel for only children at this point)

Second, get acquainted with their health insurance, learn about Medicare, Medicaid, their supplemental policies if they have them.  If you suspect they aren't being honest with their doctor, go with them (offer to drive and ask if you can sit in).  I found out that my MIL was giving her doctor the "everything is fine" spiel with that was not true.

Do they live near you or far away?  We dealt with my mother's issues long distance (she lived in Japan) as long as we could.  Every six months one of us went to "visit" (clean her house, soothe the neighbors she had insulted even though they were looking in on her, evaluating whether she was functioning well enough to continue without interferrence)

Try (if possible) to get a handle on their finances: can they afford some help?  If not, what do they qualify for?  There is quite a lot of resources out there for low income seniors, but often they don't know how to find it (or they are too proud).  

Take care of yourself.  It is incredibly stressful.  It is hard on you and on your family.  Be kind to yourself.

Dad has a cleaning lady who comes in every other week.  He doesn't hear well enough to talk to his neighbors so he isn't making anyone angry, although they may think he is rude because he doesn't respond to people when they talk to him.  He doesn't hear them.

I am glad that he has his bingo.  He truly enjoys Bingo.

Mom lied to the doctor all the time.  I was going with her to doctor's appointments and could not believe her answers to questions.  Then she got mad when I asked her if she hadn't mentioned such and such.  Dad doesn't do that.  He just says he is done with doctors.

[TheOtherMe]

Neither my sister or I are willing to have dad move in with us.  We didn't have mom move in with us.  My sister might decide to have dad move in, but I will not.  I can not do that type of care and I know it.  

Sister cared for her MIL at her house during two illnesses before she went to a nursing home.  She is thinking of retiring after this school year and has mentioned the possibility of moving dad to her house.  It would not be feasible if she is working.

[cronewitch]

Mom lived with my brother the last 5 years but the first few would go visit her sister months at a  time. I took her to Walmart on Sundays. Her sister is 90 now living alone 2 of her kids live near and a daughter in law and some adult grandkids. She uses a walker now and is frail, needs lots of help. When we visit her daughter in law makes us a platter of snacks and handles the kitchen. DIL has decluttered her house and keeps it clean. Her dog was 14 and underfoot so they were sending him to California to live with a son, but her had a stroke and died.

I don't have kids so will be an elder orphan, I got myself an easy house so at 70 don't need care yet. When I need a quick chore my nephew will offer. If I can't take care of myself one niece owns a caregiving agency so I can pay for a few hours a day or 24/7 care.

[Deleted]

Aug 7, 2018 18:43:35 GMT -5 Bonny said:

I understand that many nursing care facilities have a long waiting list and DH and I may be funding Dad's care until space opens up. That may cost $10k/month. The one bright side is that after 10 years my father finally reconciled with my brother. My brother and his two oldest sons are in So. CA and are regularly visiting him. That takes a big load off of me of being the only family contact.

Just out of curiosity- what would have happened to your Dad if you and DH weren't planning to shoulder that burden? There have to be many people who have no resources and whose family have none, either, especially at that level. Do they just muddle long at home till they get a place that accepts Medicaid?

[happyhoix]

I can't stress how important it is for family members to make an extra effort for everyone to help and to support the primary caregiver as much as possible. When my older sister and I were taking care of mom, the youngest sister, who lived about 6 hours away, was a constant source of drama, which just made it that much harder. One of my co-workers had a similar situation where she lived near her mom and saw how she could no longer live on her own, but her brother, who lived hours away, refused to accept that their mom needed to move into a nursing home (but he also refused to have mom move near him so he could help her stay in her apartment).  He just expected his sister and his mom's neighbors would be able to help keep their mom in her home.

If you do have a sibling that ends up being the primary caregiver, there should be an agreement with the other siblings that the primary caregiver should keep track of 'parent expenses' and end up getting re-reimbursed out of the estate, (if there is one), prior to distributing the rest of the funds. 

[risehappy]

I was also not willing to have my dad move in with us (just my husband and me). It just wouldn't have worked for a variety of reasons.

I think my biggest regret was not getting him into his assisted living facility sooner. He was there for several months during which he suffered a rapid decline (NOT related to living there -- it was his brain tumor), but he actually thrived with more attention paid to him by his 'girls.'  The staff there was fantastic and really spent time with him and treated him extremely well. I was hung up on activities and what he would/wouldn't do. In reality, he probably would have done more activities over time if we had gotten him in somewhere when he still felt physically better and had time to acclimate and get to know people. 

He was able to pay for it through a combination of Social Security/military retirement. I know we were VERY lucky. But, in the end, that even had its limits and we had to pay for a sitter to be with him during the day (beyond what the ALF could provide). He was eligible for VA Aid & Attendance benefits, but we didn't have enough time to apply for that before he passed away. 

[Bonny]

Aug 8, 2018 8:20:30 GMT -5 @athena53 said:

Aug 7, 2018 18:43:35 GMT -5 Bonny said:

I understand that many nursing care facilities have a long waiting list and DH and I may be funding Dad's care until space opens up. That may cost $10k/month. The one bright side is that after 10 years my father finally reconciled with my brother. My brother and his two oldest sons are in So. CA and are regularly visiting him. That takes a big load off of me of being the only family contact.

Just out of curiosity- what would have happened to your Dad if you and DH weren't planning to shoulder that burden? There have to be many people who have no resources and whose family have none, either, especially at that level. Do they just muddle long at home till they get a place that accepts Medicaid?

I think they do and probably rely on family to help out.

Look at what Pat has gone through with her MIL and sister. At least there was some equity to get them into a place.

I really struggle with this because of how fiscally irresponsible my parents were, the alcoholism and they way they handled money with me. And of course the personality problems. They are probably all related. It's a struggle and I have lots of empathy for those going through the same thing.

[Lizard Queen]

Feeling bitter, but relieved that it's over. Not planning much involvement with DH'S parents. Their situations shouldn't be nearly as difficult, just from the language barrier issue alone.

[garion2003]

This is a timely thread - I'm providing support for my aging parents.

Mom is 79, good mental health and memory but has mobility issues: recent spine fusion and hip replacement still left her with pain. She walks slowly with a cane, and can do stairs by taking it easy. They live on the second floor of the house I grew up in.

Dad is 76, diabetic, and facing some cognitive issues. It's not been diagnosed with dementia, but seems to be heading in that direction. Sometimes easily confused, forgetful, and illogical.

I moved back to the area several years ago, purchased their house, and live in a small apartment on the first floor. I've taken over all the house related bills (mortgage, utilities, taxes, insurance) as well as starting to making some repairs and improvements.

Together they are stronger - if dad drives, mom can look out for stop signs and traffic lights, etc. Dad does all the food shopping, cooking, and cleaning. He does their laundry (washer/dryer in the cellar).

I have a younger brother who lives with his wife near her family (1,000 miles away), so I'm caretaker. I knew it would happen, that's part of the reason why I moved back to the area. And I'm glad to be close by. But I worry about the future.

[swamp]

Most days my dad is good and can actually help me out (run errands, let the dog out), but when shit hits the fan, things go badly very quickly.  My mom has dementia and cannot stay alone.   I'm the only kid here.   Trying to take care of them, my own kids, work, and do everything I have to do is enough to drive me to drink. 

My brother lives 2 hours away, he is willing to come up on request, but he has his own kids, etc.  My mom's sister is wonderful, but she's not young either.  

[happyhoix]

Aug 8, 2018 9:28:44 GMT -5 risehappy said:

I was also not willing to have my dad move in with us (just my husband and me). It just wouldn't have worked for a variety of reasons.

I think my biggest regret was not getting him into his assisted living facility sooner. He was there for several months during which he suffered a rapid decline (NOT related to living there -- it was his brain tumor), but he actually thrived with more attention paid to him by his 'girls.'  The staff there was fantastic and really spent time with him and treated him extremely well. I was hung up on activities and what he would/wouldn't do. In reality, he probably would have done more activities over time if we had gotten him in somewhere when he still felt physically better and had time to acclimate and get to know people. 

He was able to pay for it through a combination of Social Security/military retirement. I know we were VERY lucky. But, in the end, that even had its limits and we had to pay for a sitter to be with him during the day (beyond what the ALF could provide). He was eligible for VA Aid & Attendance benefits, but we didn't have enough time to apply for that before he passed away. 

My mom found out how much a memory care facility would cost (and that she would have to pay out of  pocket for it, not covered by medicare) and she decided she couldn't afford to send dad to a memory care facility. However, she did a terrible job taking care of dad. I think she was in denial about how bad he really was - she kept insisting he was just 'lazy' when he didn't get out of bed and didn't do anything around the house. His doctor said he needed socialization (mom often stayed in a different part of the house and left him alone because he drove her crazy asking the same question every 10 minutes) and we tried to get mom to take dad to an adult day care, but she didn't want to pay for that, either. We spent a lot of time taking mom to visit different nursing homes and she kept finding fault with all of them, but at the same time, kept insisting she couldn't take care of dad anymore. So frustrating! We were able to connect her with hospice for some services, like helping to bathe him, but they visited a lot and mom complained that they interfered with her plans (!!!! SO frustrating!). Finally, we found that she could put dad into a respite hospice place for a few weeks, to give her a break and give her time to look for a nursing home full time, but within a few days they realized dad was dying. He was only at the hospice about a week before he passed. Even now I have resentment that mom wouldn't spend money to make sure dad had a comfortable place and good care that last year or so.   I think this isn't an uncommon problem, my DH's uncle's wife refused to pay for him to stay at a nursing home and also refused for his son to come get his dad and take him home with him, but kept complaining to his kids (one 3 hours away, one an 8 hour plane ride away) that someone needed to come take care of him in her home, because she couldn't do it by herself anymore. (She was the third step mom and had a bad relationship with the uncle's kids from the start, because she insisted no one could talk about his first wife (their mother) in the house anymore). Really sad.

[Deleted]

I am at the very beginning of this journey, so this will be a useful thread for me. I am still trying to gather information on resources to help with my Mom. She has no LTC insurance, not much income, not even any life insurance. 

One thing that I've read here already that makes me feel a little better is the posters that mention that they had/have no plans to move their parent(s) in with them. My Grandmother took care of my Great Grandmother and my Mom and Aunt took care of my Grandmother. I struggle with feeling like a terrible person because I don't want to be a full time caretaker. I've seen what all it involves from watching my family take care of the older generations, and I'm just not cut out for it. And I wouldn't get any relief. I have a very small family, and the 2 people I know would help me now, can't because they have their own serious health issues. My daughter has been extremely helpful so far (I'm actually pleasantly surprised!), but she just started a new job and has 2 children of her own to deal with. She's only 26yo also, and I wouldn't want to tie her down with looking after my Mom when she has so much other stuff she needs to do.

Its a tough situation. Everyone that has taken care of the elders in my family was already retired and thankfully in good health themselves. I have over 10 more years of working ahead of me. I HAVE to work and I can't afford to pay for my Mom's care. I can and will help as much as I can, but I can't take away from what I need for myself in retirement and old age. 

Anyway, thanks for starting this thread. I'll be reading alone as others share their experiences and advice.

[Deleted]

Aug 8, 2018 16:33:08 GMT -5 happyhoix said:

Aug 8, 2018 9:28:44 GMT -5 risehappy said:

I was also not willing to have my dad move in with us (just my husband and me). It just wouldn't have worked for a variety of reasons.

I think my biggest regret was not getting him into his assisted living facility sooner. He was there for several months during which he suffered a rapid decline (NOT related to living there -- it was his brain tumor), but he actually thrived with more attention paid to him by his 'girls.'  The staff there was fantastic and really spent time with him and treated him extremely well. I was hung up on activities and what he would/wouldn't do. In reality, he probably would have done more activities over time if we had gotten him in somewhere when he still felt physically better and had time to acclimate and get to know people. 

He was able to pay for it through a combination of Social Security/military retirement. I know we were VERY lucky. But, in the end, that even had its limits and we had to pay for a sitter to be with him during the day (beyond what the ALF could provide). He was eligible for VA Aid & Attendance benefits, but we didn't have enough time to apply for that before he passed away. 

My mom found out how much a memory care facility would cost (and that she would have to pay out of  pocket for it, not covered by medicare) and she decided she couldn't afford to send dad to a memory care facility. However, she did a terrible job taking care of dad. I think she was in denial about how bad he really was - she kept insisting he was just 'lazy' when he didn't get out of bed and didn't do anything around the house. His doctor said he needed socialization (mom often stayed in a different part of the house and left him alone because he drove her crazy asking the same question every 10 minutes) and we tried to get mom to take dad to an adult day care, but she didn't want to pay for that, either. We spent a lot of time taking mom to visit different nursing homes and she kept finding fault with all of them, but at the same time, kept insisting she couldn't take care of dad anymore. So frustrating! We were able to connect her with hospice for some services, like helping to bathe him, but they visited a lot and mom complained that they interfered with her plans (!!!! SO frustrating!). Finally, we found that she could put dad into a respite hospice place for a few weeks, to give her a break and give her time to look for a nursing home full time, but within a few days they realized dad was dying. He was only at the hospice about a week before he passed. Even now I have resentment that mom wouldn't spend money to make sure dad had a comfortable place and good care that last year or so.   I think this isn't an uncommon problem, my DH's uncle's wife refused to pay for him to stay at a nursing home and also refused for his son to come get his dad and take him home with him, but kept complaining to his kids (one 3 hours away, one an 8 hour plane ride away) that someone needed to come take care of him in her home, because she couldn't do it by herself anymore. (She was the third step mom and had a bad relationship with the uncle's kids from the start, because she insisted no one could talk about his first wife (their mother) in the house anymore). Really sad.

I understand your frustration.

Meanwhile, my DH is at the beginning stages of dementia.  Today's issue was that Chase had changed their website and there was no way to pay his CC bill.  I "fixed the website" as soon as I got home, and all is well.

But I don't know what I will do if DH needs to go into a facility.  We have x dollars, most of it money that I have saved for retirement.  He could wipe out my life savings in a couple of years.  So then what am I supposed to do?  A friend of mine's mother died from exactly this scenario.  Her father had Alzehimer and moved into a facility.  Her mother worried and worried about how to pay for it.  Within a month, it was no longer a problem because she died first.  My friend swears it was from the stress.

We will just muddle through as your mom probably did.  And, yeah, I will probably complain if my kids will listen to me.  They probably won't because it isn't their dad.  But like I said, what am I supposed to do if I wipe out my retirement savings to send him to a facility?  We will just have to take it one day at a time.

The point of my post is to remind you not to judge the person's spouse too much, be it your mom or stepmom (or father or stepfather).  You, at least, can throw up your hands and (maybe) tell the state that you refuse to deal with this.  What is the spouse supposed to do?

Be kind. 

[zibazinski]

Aug 8, 2018 19:06:51 GMT -5 @bamafan1954 said:

Aug 8, 2018 16:33:08 GMT -5 happyhoix said:

My mom found out how much a memory care facility would cost (and that she would have to pay out of  pocket for it, not covered by medicare) and she decided she couldn't afford to send dad to a memory care facility. However, she did a terrible job taking care of dad. I think she was in denial about how bad he really was - she kept insisting he was just 'lazy' when he didn't get out of bed and didn't do anything around the house. His doctor said he needed socialization (mom often stayed in a different part of the house and left him alone because he drove her crazy asking the same question every 10 minutes) and we tried to get mom to take dad to an adult day care, but she didn't want to pay for that, either. We spent a lot of time taking mom to visit different nursing homes and she kept finding fault with all of them, but at the same time, kept insisting she couldn't take care of dad anymore. So frustrating! We were able to connect her with hospice for some services, like helping to bathe him, but they visited a lot and mom complained that they interfered with her plans (!!!! SO frustrating!). Finally, we found that she could put dad into a respite hospice place for a few weeks, to give her a break and give her time to look for a nursing home full time, but within a few days they realized dad was dying. He was only at the hospice about a week before he passed. Even now I have resentment that mom wouldn't spend money to make sure dad had a comfortable place and good care that last year or so.   I think this isn't an uncommon problem, my DH's uncle's wife refused to pay for him to stay at a nursing home and also refused for his son to come get his dad and take him home with him, but kept complaining to his kids (one 3 hours away, one an 8 hour plane ride away) that someone needed to come take care of him in her home, because she couldn't do it by herself anymore. (She was the third step mom and had a bad relationship with the uncle's kids from the start, because she insisted no one could talk about his first wife (their mother) in the house anymore). Really sad.

I understand your frustration.

Meanwhile, my DH is at the beginning stages of dementia.  Today's issue was that Chase had changed their website and there was no way to pay his CC bill.  I "fixed the website" as soon as I got home, and all is well.

But I don't know what I will do if DH needs to go into a facility.  We have x dollars, most of it money that I have saved for retirement.  He could wipe out my life savings in a couple of years.  So then what am I supposed to do?  A friend of mine's mother died from exactly this scenario.  Her father had Alzehimer and moved into a facility.  Her mother worried and worried about how to pay for it.  Within a month, it was no longer a problem because she died first.  My friend swears it was from the stress.

We will just muddle through as your mom probably did.  And, yeah, I will probably complain if my kids will listen to me.  They probably won't because it isn't their dad.  But like I said, what am I supposed to do if I wipe out my retirement savings to send him to a facility?  We will just have to take it one day at a time.

The point of my post is to remind you not to judge the person's spouse too much, be it your mom or stepmom (or father or stepfather).  You, at least, can throw up your hands and (maybe) tell the state that you refuse to deal with this.  What is the spouse supposed to do?

Be kind. 

People get divorced for that very reason. So what little they’ve saved for their retirement doesn’t get taken to pay for another’s care. I feel for you.

[Deleted]

Aug 8, 2018 19:13:20 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Aug 8, 2018 19:06:51 GMT -5 @bamafan1954 said:

I understand your frustration.

Meanwhile, my DH is at the beginning stages of dementia.  Today's issue was that Chase had changed their website and there was no way to pay his CC bill.  I "fixed the website" as soon as I got home, and all is well.

But I don't know what I will do if DH needs to go into a facility.  We have x dollars, most of it money that I have saved for retirement.  He could wipe out my life savings in a couple of years.  So then what am I supposed to do?  

People get divorced for that very reason. So what little they’ve saved for their retirement doesn’t get taken to pay for another’s care. I feel for you.

Susana, I'm really sorry to hear this-it was one of the scary scenarios for DH and me because he was 15 years older and his mother was showing signs of dementia before she died.  I also saw my Aunt go through this- she'd spent down most of an inheritance from her family keeping my uncle in LTC after she couldn't keep him at home.  He died last summer.

I'm not sure if divorce will help at this point- because of state "lookback" laws, if the divorce happened within in the 5 years before applying for Medicaid it might be ignored in determining whether he qualifies. You might want to consult an Elder Law attorney about your options. 

[zibazinski]

How can an ex spouse be forced to pay?

[TheOtherMe]

Aug 8, 2018 19:22:42 GMT -5 @athena53 said:

Aug 8, 2018 19:13:20 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

People get divorced for that very reason. So what little they’ve saved for their retirement doesn’t get taken to pay for another’s care. I feel for you.

Susana, I'm really sorry to hear this-it was one of the scary scenarios for DH and me because he was 15 years older and his mother was showing signs of dementia before she died.  I also saw my Aunt go through this- she'd spent down most of an inheritance from her family keeping my uncle in LTC after she couldn't keep him at home.  He died last summer.

I'm not sure if divorce will help at this point- because of state "lookback" laws, if the divorce happened within in the 5 years before applying for Medicaid it might be ignored in determining whether he qualifies. You might want to consult an Elder Law attorney about your options. 

@bamafan1954  I second the suggestion to see an Elder Care attorney.  Googling told me you might not half to spend 1/2 of your retirement.  I am not an expert, so don't go by what I found with a quick google.  Check with an expert in your state.

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Aug 8, 2018 19:30:37 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

How can an ex spouse be forced to pay?

DH said they could- the idea was that the divorce was done only so that the ill spouse would qualify for Medicaid. I never investigated it.

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We aren't going there.  We very much need my health insurance to pay for things like his heart valve replacement next week.

My point was to be non-judgmental.