Aging Parent Support Thread

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

My dad was at GUs house when the junk people arrived to okay them going through rooms before they tossed things out. 

There were a few more things that they found in the mess that we missed like the family Bible and a hand gun that is actually worth a penny given its age.

I think it depends. I am sure if my dad said just bin the entire place they would have gone ahead with his permission.  Since he knew there were still things buried in the hoard he decided to be there.

Short of burning the house down which would have gotten us arrested there was no way we would have been able to clean that house out on our own in the time frame the courts expected us to.

[giramomma]

Yeah. I think we're going to have to start offering to go down and clean things out from mom's house.

I don''t think she'd ever just let it go to a flipper or one of those "we'll buy your home in any condition" places.

Which is to bad, because in order to sell the house the whole thing has to be gutted and updated.  

Because as it turns out, these days, folks don't make appliances and what not to fit into a custom built kitchen from 1961. And stuff stops working.

[Sharon]

Sept 9, 2024 16:59:43 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Yeah. I think we're going to have to start offering to go down and clean things out from mom's house.

Good luck with that.  I have offered to Mom multiple times to come visit and we could work on cleaning some things out.  Her response was but what would I get rid of, meaning she has nothing in her over packed 3000 sq ft home that she has lived in for 50 years that she could possibly part with. 

We keep telling her that her stuff is going to end up like the lady 2 doors down, in dumpsters.  They hauled 10 large dumpsters out of that ladies house.  Mom's response was but you can make money by selling these things and the extra money would be a help to you kids.  We all know how much value there is in crystal glassware and fine china.

[giramomma]

Sept 9, 2024 18:21:40 GMT -5 Sharon said:

Sept 9, 2024 16:59:43 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Yeah. I think we're going to have to start offering to go down and clean things out from mom's house.

Good luck with that.  I have offered to Mom multiple times to come visit and we could work on cleaning some things out.  Her response was but what would I get rid of, meaning she has nothing in her over packed 3000 sq ft home that she has lived in for 50 years that she could possibly part with. 

We keep telling her that her stuff is going to end up like the lady 2 doors down, in dumpsters.  They hauled 10 large dumpsters out of that ladies house.  Mom's response was but you can make money by selling these things and the extra money would be a help to you kids.  We all know how much value there is in crystal glassware and fine china.

Actually, I think my mom would be OK with us doing things that she's already said she's going to need help with.

Like, she has a giant chest freezer (it is legit enough to stuff a couple bodies in it). It hasn't been opened in 4-5 years now, and she's lost power for days at a time. She can't clean it out. And I know she wants that taken care of.

I anticipate it will be more than an 30 minute job, even with DH and I working together. We also have to take stuff off the freezer, that's too heavy for mom to lift. She's already tried to give me some of it, but I wouldn't take it.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Sept 9, 2024 18:21:40 GMT -5 Sharon said:

Sept 9, 2024 16:59:43 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Yeah. I think we're going to have to start offering to go down and clean things out from mom's house.

Good luck with that.  I have offered to Mom multiple times to come visit and we could work on cleaning some things out.  Her response was but what would I get rid of, meaning she has nothing in her over packed 3000 sq ft home that she has lived in for 50 years that she could possibly part with. 

We keep telling her that her stuff is going to end up like the lady 2 doors down, in dumpsters.  They hauled 10 large dumpsters out of that ladies house.  Mom's response was but you can make money by selling these things and the extra money would be a help to you kids.  We all know how much value there is in crystal glassware and fine china.

It's probably not worth anything but if you recognize certain names it's at least worth doing an image search to see what's sold for how much before tossing it.

You never know.

I wouldn't price put each individual piece. I looked up milk and carnival glass sold on ebay. Took five minutes to see it wasn't worth the hassle of me selling it.

I did consign it though. The milk glass went fast. Carnival glass took a little longer.

I'm happy it found new homes.

The Norman Rockwell statues? Those went to the thrift store. I've seen God knows how many of those going for $3 or less.

What's funny is those are what grandma insisted would hold their value not the glassware.

[lurkyloo]

Holy hell.  I need an exorcism.  So Much Stuff done.  Lots left but essentials mostly done. 
Home again and having trouble getting myself back into home mode rather than hypervigilance mode.

Discharged to home. Carpet fine. Home health mostly set up but it’s a hodge podge.  Gradually persuaded her to approve and sign the contract for private aides. Figured out her SS had been going astray since she had to change her bank account due to fraud last fall; now fixed and she’ll be getting nearly a year’s worth of arrears. Struggled a bit on timing and bad blood but YB eventually got the study door swapped out and new doorknob and fingerprint lock installed and I’m very pleased with that. Got her prescriptions filled and beat back the surface piles a bit. Got the paperwork done and the handicapped hang tag from the DMV. Struggled to manage the catheter, but when I took her to urology appt at oh dark thirty Wednesday she passed the voiding trial and was allowed to get rid of it, thank goodness-she’s still taking flomax and wearing the disposable underwear and I took her to get more.  Ordered and installed shower bench, raised toilet seat with grab bars and a bedside grab thing for leverage.  Dug an extra walker out of the overfull garage, did not locate any of the other eldercare items she insisted were out there. Made millions of copies of keys, bought and installed a handheld shower thing on the bath tap. Got a new landline phone close to her preferred dining table seat but she still has to get up to answer and those calls are relentless-I didn’t have time to look into nomorobo or anything.

Hair appointment done, took her to eye dr too, got her covid and flu vaxes.  Called dental insurance to get that info then set up an appt with her new dentist.  Spent some time on hold with her PCP since the home health services said she had an appt but didn’t know when it was.  Got a neighbor to take her since it turned out to be Monday. Eventually managed to order checks-they wouldn’t let her bc she’d lost some, until I came in and said no we really can’t find any and she writes a LOT of checks. Went to Trader Joes and Meijers for groceries with her. Helped her figure out some bills, mailed them for her, also helped her fill out absentee voter ballot and a medicare fraud attestation. I did spend a fair amount but I don’t want her to pay me back until she gets her SS 30K or so arrears.

She’s stiff and struggling with mobility-slow, using a walker, sometimes struggles a lot to get up the three steps to the front door (only one with a railing, also currently broken such that it gets stuck and you can’t open from outside.  Called a locksmith to come out and look at that on Wednesday).  Back pain tends to flare up and she especially struggles in the evenings. I took her to trial a power lift armchair, the kind that helps you stand; she doesn’t think she needs it 

Dealt with a fair amount of snappish behavior too, and listening to how OB’s friends that came to visit were like sons to her (true, C has been enormously helpful). She flipped out when I tried to take her to a lawyer for an updated will because it wasn’t her preferred lawyer. Totally threw very unhelpful OB under the bus there since he chose that lawyer    I did point out that the mPOA was really important bc it protected her from someone random getting guardianship.  I helped her with email a bit the first night, including an email to her cousin bitching that her daughter wanted all these restrictions on her 

Dealt with some work crises too but I should try to get more done this weekend, I had 0 mental bandwidth left. Good to be home.

[finnime]

I'm in awe, lurkyloo. Your mother is a lucky woman to have you as a daughter and with mPOA.

[mollyc]

I’m wondering if anyone here will have any ideas on how to ease my dad’s mind. My dad is 94.

He has it in his head that maybe his birth dad wasn’t really his birth dad. His parents didn’t marry until after his younger brother was born. His brother had the same pale blue eyes that their mom had while my dad’s are brown. He thinks his dad’s eyes were also blue but he was 3-4 when his mom took the boys and left his dad so he may be wrong.

I’ve shown him the information that, while rare, 2 blue-eyed parents can have a hazel or brown eyed child. I’ve pointed out that 2 of his younger half siblings had brown eyes but I don’t remember their dad enough to be able to picture his eyes.

My grandma was Cree/Metis from both parents so I don’t see her having brown eyed children as meaning much with respect to her faithfulness.

But he doesn’t want anyone to do any DNA things while he’s alive because he doesn’t want to know. From some things he’s said, I think he is worried that his grandfather that raised him after his parents split up is his dad. Nothing I’ve learned about my Dad’s dad would lead me to believe he would put his name on the birth certificate if he wasn’t sure he was the dad.

Any ideas?

[TheOtherMe]

The only way to know with any kind of reliabilty, which is not 100%, would be DNA.  

Yes DNA can lead to surprises.  I found out I have another sister that I don't think my dad knew about.  If he had known about her, I don't know if I would exist.

It can be very upsetting what you learn from DNA.  

My cousin put his name on the birth certificate of a baby that wasn't his.  The young woman got pregnant by an older man who was married.  Apparently he had promised to pay child support, but he was killed in a motorcycle accident.   So my cousin married her.  Of course the marriage didn't last. When she remarried, her new husband adopted the baby.

The shocking one I found out about on Ancestry was my uncle put his name on a birth certificate that his wife conceived while he was at sea.  The baby only lived a few hours.  He put his name on all of the documents to have her buried in a military cemetery.  I never heard him talk about it and would never have known if I didn't start researching.  

I did talk to his only living child since I had never heard of this baby girl.  She said that is what led to her parents' divorce.  She was afraid when she found out the date for when her dad was coming home for being at sea because her mom was pregnant.  

I don't think we know what people would do when it comes down to it.

[lurkyloo]

I have green eyes.  DH has blue eyes.  DS has weird sort of dark gray eyes.  He does have a lot more melanin in general than I do…
Can also look at the British royal family.  William has blue eyes, Kate has green eyes, George has brown eyes. Not sure about Louis but I think also brown?

Genetics are weird and eye color is a lot more complicated than the Punnett squares would have you think 

[Tennesseer]

I have a friend who was born in Poland as were her older siblings.  Her dad Immigrated to the U.S. to establish himself before bringing my friend and her family from Poland to the U.S.  Prior to bringing the family over, he would from time-to-time travel back for a visit.

When my friend was an adult, she and her siblings decided to apply and become U.S. citizens.  Her mother was okay with herself just remaining on her green card.  As the other siblings continued with the citizenship process, my friend's mother tried to discourage her from seeking citizenship.  This went on for a while with my friend and her mother. The mother finally confessed as t why she was discouraging it.

While all her older siblings had the same father, my friend was conceived via an affair the mother had in Poland with some man while her husband was away in the U.S.  My friend never knew this.

The mother was worried her daughter would be in trouble with U.S. law for falsifying her application for listing the man she thought was her father on her application instead of the name of the man her mother had the affair with.  And her mother was also scared to tell her daughter the truth.

All this went down after the man my friend thought was her dad had passed.  After the initial shock of finding out who was who, my friend decided to forgive her mom and accept the facts as a good story to tell.  I am not sure if my friend ever met her real father.

This was before DNA testing apps and programs (Ancestry, etc.)was available to the public.

[lurkyloo]

OB’s friend visited her this morning to fix the mechanism on the front screen door (was getting stuck open) and supervise her refilling her pill box for the week.  Just called and apparently she had arranged a ride and gone to a faculty women’s club thing this afternoon and was in great spirits    Feeling better about the decision to transition her back home and put supports in place, and also a little sheepish that she has a much more active social life than I do.  At least she’s happy.

[lurkyloo]

PCP appointment did not go well.  PCP wants her to have a neuro and neuropsych exam.  Doesn’t want her driving, doesn’t think she is managing her meds well, thinks she needs more support at home.  This is, of course, my fault. 

On the bright side it looks like I get the evening off from calling her. 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Sept 16, 2024 14:24:32 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

PCP appointment did not go well.  PCP wants her to have a neuro and neuropsych exam.  Doesn’t want her driving, doesn’t think she is managing her meds well, thinks she needs more support at home.  This is, of course, my fault. 

On the bright side it looks like I get the evening off from calling her. 

Yep.  I am honestly surprised my dad didn't throat punch a doctor between GU and Grandma.

He asked one WTF do you want me to do I can't make them do anything according to the state and can be charged for forcing them against their will.  On the flip side if something happened he was also responsible.

I hate elder care in this country.  Either I have the power to force her to take her medication/go into a home/see a doctor or I don't.  If I don't and she goes out with a bang I shouldn't be held liable.  IMO the state should since they said she could live alone perfectly fine.

[lurkyloo]

Sept 16, 2024 14:35:57 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Sept 16, 2024 14:24:32 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

PCP appointment did not go well.  PCP wants her to have a neuro and neuropsych exam.  Doesn’t want her driving, doesn’t think she is managing her meds well, thinks she needs more support at home.  This is, of course, my fault. 

On the bright side it looks like I get the evening off from calling her. 

Yep.  I am honestly surprised my dad didn't throat punch a doctor between GU and Grandma.

He asked one WTF do you want me to do I can't make them do anything according to the state and can be charged for forcing them against their will.  On the flip side if something happened he was also responsible.

I hate elder care in this country.  Either I have the power to force her to take her medication/go into a home/see a doctor or I don't.  If I don't and she goes out with a bang I shouldn't be held liable.  IMO the state should since they said she could live alone perfectly fine.

I feel like it’s a little less cutthroat where she is than where you were…but yeah.  I can step down from being her mPOA (which is unlikely to be officially invoked at this point) and leave OB on the hook, I suppose.  That wouldn’t be good for anybody but if she won’t cooperate with me then wtf why am I setting myself on fire to?

I can give her some time to deal and decide what she wants to do.  I’m her best option but I have my limits.

[finnime]

Good you know your limits, lurkyloo. Maintaining your equilibrium is paramount.

[TheOtherMe]

You can't force people to take medications, etc. unless you force them down their throat.

I wish you the best with this lurkyloo

[lurkyloo]

Sept 16, 2024 18:04:58 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

You can't force people to take medications, etc. unless you force them down their throat.

I wish you the best with this lurkyloo

She’s compliant on her meds, she just doesn’t remember to take the evening ones and couldn’t tell the PCP what she was taking.

PCP called me after to make sure I understood her memory issues.  Yes, I understand them and I’ve been gradually nudging her toward accepting the help she needs.  But the PCP being overly blunt today undid a lot of my work I think.  She’s in denial, and she’s set up housekeeping there and isn’t going to budge.  Trying to force it is counterproductive because she will break before she admits to anything.

Feeling pretty tired and defeated tonight.  And also terrible that the neighbor who volunteered to drive her got sucked into the inevitable family drama.

[finnime]

I'm sorry to see your mother has set up housekeeping in denial, lurkyloo. You're in a tough squeeze with this one.

In my family ODB dealt with the worst of our mother's decline, when she angrily refused basic help in things that she needed. I saw some of it. The last time I saw her she had a bruise encompassing the entire left side of her face from falling on the stairs but was adamant about not needing any sort of support. ODB was living with her at that point but he worked and had a sort of life. She wanted to do everything on her own terms regardless of capability. I miss her.

[raeoflyte]

Sept 16, 2024 21:55:48 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

Sept 16, 2024 18:04:58 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

You can't force people to take medications, etc. unless you force them down their throat.

I wish you the best with this lurkyloo

She’s compliant on her meds, she just doesn’t remember to take the evening ones and couldn’t tell the PCP what she was taking.

PCP called me after to make sure I understood her memory issues.  Yes, I understand them and I’ve been gradually nudging her toward accepting the help she needs.  But the PCP being overly blunt today undid a lot of my work I think.  She’s in denial, and she’s set up housekeeping there and isn’t going to budge.  Trying to force it is counterproductive because she will break before she admits to anything.

Feeling pretty tired and defeated tonight.  And also terrible that the neighbor who volunteered to drive her got sucked into the inevitable family drama.

I'm pissed off at the pcp on your behalf. She's been home 1 week. Things won't be set yet. It sounds like she has unrealistic expectations with I'm guessing a big side of judgment that you haven't dropped everything to move in with mom. Finding new doctors is a pain and you have enough on your plate right now but I would want her to actually provide some support, help, and reasonable suggestions in the coming appointments.

[TheOtherMe]

Most people want to live out their life on their own terms.

I've told my niece she will take me kicking and screaming with a court order to get me to leave my home.

[lurkyloo]

Sept 17, 2024 9:49:04 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

Sept 16, 2024 21:55:48 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

She’s compliant on her meds, she just doesn’t remember to take the evening ones and couldn’t tell the PCP what she was taking.

PCP called me after to make sure I understood her memory issues.  Yes, I understand them and I’ve been gradually nudging her toward accepting the help she needs.  But the PCP being overly blunt today undid a lot of my work I think.  She’s in denial, and she’s set up housekeeping there and isn’t going to budge.  Trying to force it is counterproductive because she will break before she admits to anything.

Feeling pretty tired and defeated tonight.  And also terrible that the neighbor who volunteered to drive her got sucked into the inevitable family drama.

I'm pissed off at the pcp on your behalf. She's been home 1 week. Things won't be set yet. It sounds like she has unrealistic expectations with I'm guessing a big side of judgment that you haven't dropped everything to move in with mom. Finding new doctors is a pain and you have enough on your plate right now but I would want her to actually provide some support, help, and reasonable suggestions in the coming appointments.

I appreciate the support, but I’m not sure that’s entirely fair…my mother is just super sensitive about any suggestion that she’s lost cognitive ground.  PCP recommended a daily or near-daily check in from aides but agreed that with home health coming in nearly every day it wasn’t immediate priority.  She also suggested a couple of geriatric case managers that could be on the ground managing things more actively.

I think my mother was already deeply reluctant to see her (it sounds like this PCP had previously called her out on memory issues and she didn’t want me to have the evidence because it’s harder to stay in denial).  She really hated hearing that her doctor didn’t think she should be driving anymore and blames me for bringing it up. I won’t push it in neuro or neuropsych eval, because I don’t see a huge amount of win there for the amount of cajoling it would take if I could even get her to agree.

I dunno.  I’ll have to call tonight to remind her that aide and locksmith are coming tomorrow.  Guess we’ll see if she picks up.

[empress of self-improvement]

Sept 14, 2024 7:51:51 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

I took her to trial a power lift armchair, the kind that helps you stand; she doesn’t think she needs it - Get it for her. It will help save the back of anyone who has to help her, regardless of how much she weighs. DH didn't think he needed one either until I bought it. Of course, it only helped to lift him up, not actually put him in his wheelchair but it was a great help. Unless you drop him. Then, not so much. At least the Fire Dept. didn't laugh when I called to pick him up off the floor.

[lurkyloo]

Sept 17, 2024 11:35:50 GMT -5 empress of self-improvement said:

Sept 14, 2024 7:51:51 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

I took her to trial a power lift armchair, the kind that helps you stand; she doesn’t think she needs it - Get it for her. It will help save the back of anyone who has to help her, regardless of how much she weighs. DH didn't think he needed one either until I bought it. Of course, it only helped to lift him up, not actually put him in his wheelchair but it was a great help. Unless you drop him. Then, not so much. At least the Fire Dept. didn't laugh when I called to pick him up off the floor.

I agree but I only have so much bandwidth to talk her into things.  I’ve also dropped about 3K on her so far…will eventually have her pay me back 2K but I’m not dropping another $700-1400 in the immediate future on someone who hates my guts for trying to help her 

[snapdragon]

Sending Hugs lurkyloo. 

[empress of self-improvement]

Sept 17, 2024 11:40:58 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

Sept 17, 2024 11:35:50 GMT -5 empress of self-improvement said:

I took her to trial a power lift armchair, the kind that helps you stand; she doesn’t think she needs it - Get it for her. It will help save the back of anyone who has to help her, regardless of how much she weighs. DH didn't think he needed one either until I bought it. Of course, it only helped to lift him up, not actually put him in his wheelchair but it was a great help. Unless you drop him. Then, not so much. At least the Fire Dept. didn't laugh when I called to pick him up off the floor.

I agree but I only have so much bandwidth to talk her into things.  I’ve also dropped about 3K on her so far…will eventually have her pay me back 2K but I’m not dropping another $700-1400 in the immediate future on someone who hates my guts for trying to help her 

Very fair point. It does depend on who it is for. I'm sorry she's such a pill.

[lurkyloo]

Welp, she picked up, was civil, and offered to and did call me back since she was talking to my aunt on the other line.  So maybe the leave her alone for a bit strategy worked okay    She was upset Monday but not particularly hostile, aggressive, nasty or self-victimizing-any of which is frequently on the table.  And she was on board last night with both the aide coming this morning and the locksmith-both badly needed but that’s no guarantee.

Then again she also mentioned hoping she’d be able to drive again by November so maybe she just blocked the whole PCP appt out mentally.

[Tennesseer]

A reminder to make sure your seniors are to be careful.  A lot of crooks out there. Hopefully the article is not behind a paywall.

Welcome to the Golden Age of Scams

Not long ago, Monica Cotelingham found herself stuffing cash into a Bitcoin machine at a gas station in suburban Maryland and weeping.

Earlier that day, she had received a call from a phone number with the same area code as Cotelingham’s father in Louisiana. When she answered, someone identifying themselves as a U.S. customs officer said the government had found a package addressed to Cotelingham that contained stolen passports and driver’s licenses. She was in a lot of trouble; law enforcement was going to call her back. When Cotelingham’s phone rang next, the number that came up was from local police, who told her the FBI would be in touch. Minutes later, she got a call from a number that matched the bureau’s. The person on the line told Cotelingham that she could get out of the mess by depositing $18,000 into a Bitcoin machine.

In retrospect, Cotelingham says, she should have known it was a scam. The game of law-enforcement telephone made no sense. All the callers had heavy accents. Each instructed her not to tell anyone what she was doing. The bank teller at Truist, where she withdrew the $18,000, asked if Cotelingham was OK, and warned her of scams. Even the Bitcoin machine where she deposited the money had a warning, in big red letters, to beware of scams and fraud.

But Cotelingham, who received the calls on her first day of a medical leave of absence from her job as a psychiatrist, believed at the time that they were legitimate. And so, sobbing in distress, she stuffed $10,000 into the machine until she asked the clerk for help to stop. “Even then, I think part of me knew,” she says. “It was incredibly traumatic.”

Cotelingham’s experience is increasingly common. We are living in the golden age of scams. U.S. consumers lost a record $10 billion to fraud in 2023, according to the Federal Trade Commission, a 14% increase over 2022. That tally is almost certainly an undercount. More than three-­quarters of victims, including Cotelingham, don’t report to authorities that they’ve been defrauded. We are constantly baited by scammers—by text, by email, by phone. The average smartphone owner in the U.S. gets an estimated 42 spam texts and 28 spam calls per month, according to RoboKiller, an app for screening calls.

Rest of article here:  Welcome to the Golden Age of Scams

[Tennesseer]

I get emails almost daily like the one below. I ordered nothing and don't have a PayPal account. But they are trying to get me to call them which I do not. They are trying to get information out of me and I won't play their game. I do forward these emails (in this case to PayPal) to PayPal's phishing email address as requested by them.

PayPal
Thanks for shopping with us!
Dear Tennesseer,Your order has been received and is now being processed. Your order details are shown below for your reference:Order FNH7387KX
Product Info
Seller: Cryptocurrency Exchange Gateway(46923)
Product: Nasdaq Blockchain Link-ID92L
Product Code: 1022-939-10384
Subtotal: $1491.59
Shipping: Free shipping
Payment gateway: PayPal
Total: $1491.59
Billing address
Tennessee
Register Email: [e-mail]
Client wallet: 21b3ad66-ea27-44ac-b48b-8613356f4dd6
If you have any questions, contact our customer support [phone]

Have a great day,
Thank You
Team PayPal
[phone]
Julian.D Greene

[TheOtherMe]

I get those at least once a day on the cryto or some extended warranty.  Sometimes they come to an account that has never ever been associated with my Paypal account.

I report as spam and block.  About once a week, I check the Paypal account to be sure there is nothing weird happening.  

So far so good.