Aging Parent Support Thread

[bean29]

Aug 28, 2024 15:52:51 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

Good news:  urologist finally called me back with a plan.  She didn’t think overnight care was going to be necessary, even if catheter was.

Bad news:  she has pressure ulcer on her rear end that is unstageable and therefore the respite place can’t take her after all.  Back to scrambling    FML.

I am sorry this has gotten so complicated for you.  My sister's MIL has struggled with pressure sores for a long time.  My BIL has been managing her care at home for at least a year, but it has been a struggle.  They are in an urban area, so they can get outpatient treatment.  I know he takes her somewhere, I think it is a hospital for outpatient treatment.  There have been some issues with Medicare Coverage, in home care was covered, then not covered, and now it seems to be covered again. 

I hope you find the right solution for your mother.

[lurkyloo]

Aug 28, 2024 15:52:51 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

Good news:  urologist finally called me back with a plan.  She didn’t think overnight care was going to be necessary, even if catheter was.

Bad news:  she has pressure ulcer on her rear end that is unstageable and therefore the respite place can’t take her after all.  Back to scrambling    FML.

Pressure ulcer nearly healed according to the rehab so maybe she can go to respite after all and I don’t have to make an entirely new set of plans.  That would be AWESOME.

Also the projected release date in that case would coincide with right about when DH and DS are projected to go on an overnight field trip so that helps with the guilt about leaving them on their own.  I’d take PP with me anyway-planning to spend a week out there getting her settled in.

[raeoflyte]

Aug 29, 2024 12:36:51 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

Aug 28, 2024 15:52:51 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

Good news:  urologist finally called me back with a plan.  She didn’t think overnight care was going to be necessary, even if catheter was.

Bad news:  she has pressure ulcer on her rear end that is unstageable and therefore the respite place can’t take her after all.  Back to scrambling    FML.

Pressure ulcer nearly healed according to the rehab so maybe she can go to respite after all and I don’t have to make an entirely new set of plans.  That would be AWESOME.

Also the projected release date in that case would coincide with right about when DH and DS are projected to go on an overnight field trip so that helps with the guilt about leaving them on their own.  I’d take PP with me anyway-planning to spend a week out there getting her settled in.

You're a good person to take such good care of her.

[lurkyloo]

Aug 29, 2024 13:03:50 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

Aug 29, 2024 12:36:51 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

Pressure ulcer nearly healed according to the rehab so maybe she can go to respite after all and I don’t have to make an entirely new set of plans.  That would be AWESOME.

Also the projected release date in that case would coincide with right about when DH and DS are projected to go on an overnight field trip so that helps with the guilt about leaving them on their own.  I’d take PP with me anyway-planning to spend a week out there getting her settled in.

You're a good person to take such good care of her.

Not good enough that I didn’t laugh my ass off and comment it was the understatement of the year when the lawyer commented today that OB tended to get bogged down in details 

The problem with the pressure ulcer is that it’s unstageable and therefore respite still out.    OB tracking down possible skilled nursing type places, unlikely to transition till next week.  Lawyer thinks mPOA bar has not been met since she can still participate in her own care and recommended we try to get a different social worker.

I appreciate having this board to vent on 

[TheOtherMe]

How do you get a different social worker?  

I have been under the impression that it's very difficult to make someone do something like go to a nursing home if they don't agree to it without getting guardianship.

I vented a lot here when things were happening with my dad.  

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I'm curious about that too. It was whoever was assigned to the hospital we didn't get a choice.

Then it was the bitch at the nursing home.

We couldn't get our own unless grandma we were seeking guardianship and even that would be state appointed in my grandma's best interests not ours. We'd have to make a case to switch.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

And even with medical and financial POA it could be recommended she go, we could encourage it but unless we were her guardians if she told us blow it out our ass the hospital could have discharged her right back to Treynor.

We just got lucky she was in no condition to fight us.

[lurkyloo]

Aug 29, 2024 18:43:27 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

How do you get a different social worker?  

I have been under the impression that it's very difficult to make someone do something like go to a nursing home if they don't agree to it without getting guardianship.

I vented a lot here when things were happening with my dad.  

I don’t think it’s possible.  The person in question is director of SW at the rehab facility.  But I felt validated.

The thing here is that my mother is cooperating and trusts me, as she should because I (mostly) know what I’m doing and have her best interests as top priority.  There was no need to invoke the damn thing.

According to relevant state law a guardianship is not needed and won’t be granted to some random person with an mpoa in place which is why it was necessary.  Guardian is just for healthcare, financial would be conservatorship.  There is some overlap, the mpoa grants me the legal power to use her money for her healthcare needs.  I kept the individual fPOA over her investment account, we agreed (including lawyer) it was best not to tell them about the general fPOA.  That means I can arrange bill payment (health or other) in a pinch and also the parent firm was having kittens about a non-US resident like OB being FPOA.

Usual IANAL disclaimer applies.

Anyway.  Insurance granted the appeal, which is awesome bc we don’t have to pay 1K a day while we figure out a safe next place. Also makes things easier on me because she needs transportation to a couple of appointments next week, one of which is at 8:30 am Tuesday after the holiday weekend-i.e. not much business-hours time to arrange transport after today.  The rehab facility has a good system worked out for transportation.

[Bonny]

Aug 29, 2024 17:26:13 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

Aug 29, 2024 13:03:50 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

You're a good person to take such good care of her.

Not good enough that I didn’t laugh my ass off and comment it was the understatement of the year when the lawyer commented today that OB tended to get bogged down in details 

The problem with the pressure ulcer is that it’s unstageable and therefore respite still out.    OB tracking down possible skilled nursing type places, unlikely to transition till next week.  Lawyer thinks mPOA bar has not been met since she can still participate in her own care and recommended we try to get a different social worker.

I appreciate having this board to vent on 

That's what it's for. I started out thinking I was so alone especially with a sibling who was often counterproductive. It's been a couple years recovering from a situation that I didn't create and had limited control over. I really beat myself up over the choices I had to make during Covid i.e. choosing not to take my dad into my own house vs keeping him in a Medicaid facility. It never would have worked but I still felt guilty. The truth is that both of my parents left messes and I was a good person to step in and clean them up with limited return for my efforts. But it seemed like the right thing to do. That shows what kind of person I am...

And to all of you who are in this difficult situation; you are good people and I'm proud of my internet friends here. 

[lurkyloo]

The upside of having to call my mother every night to a. keep her posted and b. keep her spirits adequately up:  last night I heard for the first time that Dad, who missed YB’s birth bc he insisted on registering at the desk while my mother was actively laboring, was in the room for my birth and jumped up and down with joy that I was a girl 

[TheOtherMe]

They still have stories.  Listen to the stories and rejoice you get to hear them

[busymom]

Sept 1, 2024 14:13:09 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

They still have stories.  Listen to the stories and rejoice you get to hear them

         After both of my parents had passed, I found paperwork that made me have questions that no one is alive to answer.  My Dad was the last of his siblings to die, and Mom only had one sister who lived longer than her.  I'd like to know more about my Dad's time in the Navy, like specific ships he was on.  On Mom's side of the family, there are mysteries that it'd probably take a professional genealogist to solve.  

[NoNamePerson]

Sept 1, 2024 23:31:20 GMT -5 busymom said:

Sept 1, 2024 14:13:09 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

They still have stories.  Listen to the stories and rejoice you get to hear them

         After both of my parents had passed, I found paperwork that made me have questions that no one is alive to answer.  My Dad was the last of his siblings to die, and Mom only had one sister who lived longer than her.  I'd like to know more about my Dad's time in the Navy, like specific ships he was on.  On Mom's side of the family, there are mysteries that it'd probably take a professional genealogist to solve.  

I know zip about my mother. Found some papers that make me doubt her real name. I actually found a list of my fathers flights in WWII right down to the last one where plane was shot down and crew lost.

So maybe there is info out there for you.  You are good at this and at one time I considered asking you what I could pay you yo research my mother.


I tracked down his family when I was 48, via 411 info. Wasn’t online then. It was an adventure and I flew to Ohio to meet them. I got a lot of stuff that my cousin got from grandmothers attic when he was around 13. He kept it all those years since he was around 30 when I found them! I would hire a professional to research my mother just out of curiosity. 

ETA. I may have mixed up who does the genealogy research. If so blame it on old age
Could be TheOtherMe

[Opti]

I know virtually nothing about my dad's time serving in North Korea. If my sister found anything in his stuff, she has said nothing to me at all. I would like to find out at least what officially is in the veteran's system about his service and some of those who died that he started with. He never got over the waste of lives cut short in his unit.

And I have no idea if my other executor sib saved my mom's bio she was working on either. It is more than possible my sisters have shared this info with each other as they are about 14 months apart and I am years older than both.

[TheOtherMe]

Yes, I am the genealogist.  The military records for WWII and later are only available to certain relatives.  Children qualify.  Contact your local American Legion.  They will help you get the records.  

My uncle's ship has a website and I have been through it as he contributed a lot of his photos to it.  

I can't get the information on any of my uncles.  By the time it's available to the public, I will be gone.

WWII Muster Rolls are on Ancestry, as are applications for military headstones up through a certain date.

That's how I found out I have a cousin I didn't know about.  The application for her military headstone as a child of a veteran.  She's buried with her older brother.  

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I don't know much about either grandfather's service in Korea they didn't talk about it much.

I know my paternal grandfather got stuck on a ship where they ended up with 30lbs of rotten saurkraut and it exploded during a three week excursion at sea.

He said from that day onward he couldn't even look at a can of the stuff at the supermarket without gagging.

My maternal grandfather was a 2 star general. My mom said he threw out everything when he came home and never talked about it again.

I do have photos. Good grief they were young. Too young IMO. I know grandpa B was only 19. I don't think my other grandpa was much older.

[NoNamePerson]

Sept 2, 2024 8:10:42 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Yes, I am the genealogist.  The military records for WWII and later are only available to certain relatives.  Children qualify.  Contact your local American Legion.  They will help you get the records.  

My uncle's ship has a website and I have been through it as he contributed a lot of his photos to it.  

I can't get the information on any of my uncles.  By the time it's available to the public, I will be gone.

WWII Muster Rolls are on Ancestry, as are applications for military headstones up through a certain date.

That's how I found out I have a cousin I didn't know about.  The application for her military headstone as a child of a veteran.  She's buried with her older brother.  

When the official WWII memorial site came on line for 50th anniversary they had a message board. I started looking thru it and realized it would take forever. So I limited my search to "words" like looking for info for uncle killed on August, 1944 - ruled out since father was killed on June 5, 1944. I landed on a post from someone looking for info about her great uncle. Bingo! Her relative was the pilot of my father's last flight. We connected down the road. I obtained the list of his flights thru a search on the WWII site. But this has been ages ago so site might not be the same. I even had some "notify in case of " names in stuff but wasn't able to track anyone down. 

But I connected with a member of this board thru posts and she was going on tour of American Cemeteries in Europe. I sent her a message and she took pictures and laid a bouquet of flowers on his marker. I will forever be in her debt

I also fund a museum for the 390th Bomber Squadron and have gotten info there. I have a collection of stuff of my fathers and if my son doesn't want it I will see that it gets to the museum. Pictures of crew in front of plane and names of crew on the back and that kinda stuff.  Ok sorry for going down memory lane. 

[Opti]

Sept 2, 2024 8:56:23 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

I don't know much about either grandfather's service in Korea they didn't talk about it much.

I know my paternal grandfather got stuck on a ship where they ended up with 30lbs of rotten saurkraut and it exploded during a three week excursion at sea.

He said from that day onward he couldn't even look at a can of the stuff at the supermarket without gagging.

My maternal grandfather was a 2 star general. My mom said he threw out everything when he came home and never talked about it again.

I do have photos. Good grief they were young. Too young IMO. I know grandpa B was only 19. I don't think my other grandpa was much older.

My dad was also nineteen when he served and rarely said anything at all. I think being silent generation and male he may have talked briefly about it to other males, but never to his wife or even me his eldest who was the most like him out of all his children.

It echoed in various ways, some scary. I remember when he burned out a nest of wasps, in the bottom level of the property as they were ground wasps and going after all of us including guests. Prior to that, I caught him torturing individual wasps in the garage as he contemplated how he was going to take them out. 

[TheOtherMe]

Of my 8 uncles who served in WWII, only two would talk about it, both on my dad's side.  

Mom's brothers were Army and all served in Europe.  

Dad's brothers were all Navy and served in the South Pacific during WWII.  One stayed in the Navy for 20 years so he went all over the world before his retirement.  Another uncle served 10 years in the Navy.  At one time he was FDR's secretary.  

Mom's brother was a POW in Korea.  He never talked about it and his son said he wouldn't talk to him about it.

Yes, they were young.  So very young.  Some lied about their age and were actually younger than their paperwork said they were.

All of my Navy uncles attended ship reunions.  I never heard of the Army brothers attending anything like that.  

I would think spending all that time on a ship meant closer relationships than serving in the infantry in Germany.

[NastyWoman]

Sept 2, 2024 11:06:23 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Of my 8 uncles who served in WWII, only two would talk about it, both on my dad's side.  

Mom's brothers were Army and all served in Europe.  

Dad's brothers were all Navy and served in the South Pacific during WWII.  One stayed in the Navy for 20 years so he went all over the world before his retirement.  Another uncle served 10 years in the Navy.  At one time he was FDR's secretary.  

Mom's brother was a POW in Korea.  He never talked about it and his son said he wouldn't talk to him about it.

Yes, they were young.  So very young.  Some lied about their age and were actually younger than their paperwork said they were.

All of my Navy uncles attended ship reunions.  I never heard of the Army brothers attending anything like that.  

I would think spending all that time on a ship meant closer relationships than serving in the infantry in Germany.

Strange memories popped up with that statement. When I was  child my parents would occasionally take us to one of a few war cemeteries that were near where I was born (a hard fought area as there were an important river there. I remember all those men who had died being 18, 19, 20 yo. And somehow I got it in my head that that was the age of all those men. They did not talk about the war at all (what I know about them during that time was relayed to me by other family members) but they made sure we knew the real "price" of war.

Then years later, when I was in my 30s, I visited the war cemetery in Kanchanabury (Thailand, Burma line) and I was amazed at how "old" all these men were. They were in their late 20s and 30s. It took a long time before I realized that these men for the most part were not regular conscripts, they had been part of the colonial forces who had been in the region before the war started. Many, especially the Brits but others as well, had started their own families - most of whom had ended up in camps as well. There were no known* American soldiers in that cemetery as their bodies had been repatriated to the US. 

Now in my 70s I am back to thinking they were young, so very, very young.

*It is possible there where some as there are a few hundred unidentified bodies interred there

[busymom]

Sept 2, 2024 11:06:23 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Of my 8 uncles who served in WWII, only two would talk about it, both on my dad's side.  

Mom's brothers were Army and all served in Europe.  

Dad's brothers were all Navy and served in the South Pacific during WWII.  One stayed in the Navy for 20 years so he went all over the world before his retirement.  Another uncle served 10 years in the Navy.  At one time he was FDR's secretary.  

Mom's brother was a POW in Korea.  He never talked about it and his son said he wouldn't talk to him about it.

Yes, they were young.  So very young.  Some lied about their age and were actually younger than their paperwork said they were.

All of my Navy uncles attended ship reunions.  I never heard of the Army brothers attending anything like that.  

I would think spending all that time on a ship meant closer relationships than serving in the infantry in Germany.

     My Dad only made it to a couple of Navy reunions, but he did talk some after attending, talking about "the guys".  He was only 17 when he enlisted, but he got his Dad to sign off so he could get in early.  That decision may have saved his life, because his draft number came up when he turned 18, but the Navy already owned him, so he did his time during WWII in the Navy.  

[TheOtherMe]

The uncle who talked non stop about his time in the Navy was in horrible battles.  Dad visited him every Monday until he moved up here.  I would go with him when I was visiting.  

I couldn't not listen to the horror.  

[lurkyloo]

Welp, according to the orthopedist she’s good to go home and start driving.  The pressure ulcer is small and reportedly healing.  I think we should give up on rehab and skilled nursing and work on transitioning her home, with home care and catheter training.  Unfortunately it’s a crappy time for me not least bc DH wants to/has to fly to CA for a day next week.  This may be the one time I say no you can’t go.  Have to talk to him and see exactly what we’re dealing with in terms of importance 

[Opti]

Sept 3, 2024 12:37:07 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

Welp, according to the orthopedist she’s good to go home and start driving.  The pressure ulcer is small and reportedly healing.  I think we should give up on rehab and skilled nursing and work on transitioning her home, with home care and catheter training.  Unfortunately it’s a crappy time for me not least bc DH wants to/has to fly to CA for a day next week.  This may be the one time I say no you can’t go.  Have to talk to him and see exactly what we’re dealing with in terms of importance 

Good luck. I hope you can find homecare that works for all of you. Good news on the pressure ulcer being small and healing.

[Opti]

Sept 2, 2024 11:06:23 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Of my 8 uncles who served in WWII, only two would talk about it, both on my dad's side.  

Mom's brothers were Army and all served in Europe.  

Dad's brothers were all Navy and served in the South Pacific during WWII.  One stayed in the Navy for 20 years so he went all over the world before his retirement.  Another uncle served 10 years in the Navy.  At one time he was FDR's secretary.  

Mom's brother was a POW in Korea.  He never talked about it and his son said he wouldn't talk to him about it.

Yes, they were young.  So very young.  Some lied about their age and were actually younger than their paperwork said they were.

All of my Navy uncles attended ship reunions.  I never heard of the Army brothers attending anything like that.  

I would think spending all that time on a ship meant closer relationships than serving in the infantry in Germany.

I would think being on a ship though also meant you were all together in some sense during most maneuvers. In the army you can be split up in different vehicles and even sent different directions. So I wouldn't think it was the closeness factor. I would think it would be seeing your fellow soldiers blown to bits or injured in seconds near you. (This is excluding Americans in ships in Pearl Harbor).

IDK. I went to see saving Private Ryan even though I don't like war movies and violence. The opening scene was very tough on me, but it did give me some feel of what it had to be like to be those men charging up out of the water. And the horror and quickness that people near and around you could be killed and maimed. 

[lurkyloo]

I am driving out Sunday and transitioning her home Monday.  Called the aide service today and set up an assessment tomorrow morning, called the social worker who agreed to refer us to home health care (medical services), called urology and rescheduled her appointment since they failed to start her on flomax when they said they would, then called to update my mother who then wanted to know why she couldn’t go home Saturday instead 

Called her old PCP practice and determined we need to call blue cross to have her PCP reassigned, the one she is currently assigned to isn’t taking “new” patients and she hasn’t been back since 2020.

[finnime]

You're juggling a lot, lurkyloo. Hang in there. Hugs to you.

[lurkyloo]

Wheelchair and catheter supplies ordered by nursing home, they’ll give me a crash course on cath care when I pick her up.  Had meeting with the aide agency yesterday and I think it’s all acceptable, except they had some suggestions that add even more to my to do list.  She is alternating between appreciating how much work I’m doing vs rebelling bc she’s pissed that having aides around is going to be her new normal 

So many things to schedule…

I ordered her an apple watch bc she was interested and the agency lady thought the aides could help her keep it charged.  Hair cut and root touchup scheduled, appt with lawyer to update her will so she’s not naming uncle with dementia as executor.  Urology appt Wednesday morning.  I need to do some more elaborate things to schedule PCP and dentist that will be much easier if she’s there on the phone so we’ll take care of those and get them scheduled while I’m out there.  Also need to assess how well she’s driving.

Still need to order a brace thingy for the bed and risers or something so the bed is a comfortable height.  And excavate the garage to find Dad’s walker.  And acquire or locate a commode…for the toilet she can’t fully use 

[TheOtherMe]

   This is so hard lurkyloo

Mom knew she needed help.  That is why she arranged for my sister and I to find a place.  I still can't believe we found a place that didn't meet her specifications and they loved it.  They were going to independent living and they wanted a one bedroom, 2 bath.  We could not find one in this area that had 2 bathrooms.  So she told us to pick the one we thought was the best.

That was a scary thought for both of us.  There were some other decisions that had to be made and she told us to make them.  That could have gone so wrong.  Dad didn't think it was necessary, but mom knew how ill she was and that she would be in a nursing home if she didn't get near us so we could help.  She was right.  Mom told us it was the nicest place she ever lived in.  In looking back at the places where I know she lived, she was correct.  She was so happy to have a dishwasher again.

She accepted the walker and the wheel chair.  She refused the hospital bed from Hospice.  She wouldn't have that in her house, so she died in her recliner.  It would have been easier to care for if she had been in the hospital bed and there would have been more room for us to be closer to her.  She refused it more than once so they quit offering.  She was accepting of the nurse and bathing aide provided by Hospice.  She dearly appreciated each of them.  

So my sister bought the wheelchair and it is at her house.  Mom bought the fancy walker and it is at my house and I have used it.  She also got a cane but didn't like it.  It must be at my sister's house.

She was upset about being on oxygen 24/7, but she adapted when she realized how much better she felt when she used it.

Getting that set up wasn't fun.  I got to handle that one.

When it came time for dad to start using some assisted aids, he refused.  He refused a cane, a walker and a wheelchair.  He very much needed the walker and the wheelchair.  He got very upset with the hospital when he had procedures where they take the patient to the car in the wheel chair.  Sometimes, he was his own worst enemy.

Will your mom need a shower chair?  I have one in the basement shower and I have the one my grandmother used.  It was metal and I would not use it.  

We told dad his mom used a cane and then a walker.  She had the bedside commode.  No, he wasn't having any of that.  

I still think his life would have been easier the last few months in the apartment if he had accepted these aids.  

When he had his pacemaker replaced, he was supposed to have an antiseptic bath the night before.  Neither my sister nor I could do it.  So my niece the nurse came out and took care of it.  She helped me shower when I needed help.  Guess that is the nurse in her.  

My bed is quite high.  It's the height of the bed.  After the blood clots, I had to use a chair to get enough leverage to get in my bed.  That's in the past, but I wonder how long I can handle the height of my bed.

Will be thinking of you next week and hoping for the best.  

[bean29]

Lurkyloo, I hope everything goes well for you today.

DS and I have been cleaning out my mom's house.  We started by packing up the many Shaklee Items she ordered and had not used.  I just looked and they credited us $1,754.26.  DS only paid $15.72 to ship the stuff back, so I will re-imburse her.  It took us quite a while to go through and set that all up.  We had to make sure the products had 3 months left on the expiration date, and we had to match the item to a purchase order.  We went all the way back into 2023.  Mom had duplicate ordered items and probably re-ordered items that the regular customers had not ordered, as she would forget she did somethign already and do it again.  I think he wondered why we had made so little progress on the house, but he is quite impressed that we got that much $$ back.

DS and I worked yesterday afternoon on getting rid of sales aides and books and some records she had in the basement.  We have the back end of DH's pickup truck full of boxes.  There were tax records there too - I just set them aside for now, I will probably scan them and then toss them.  I don't think she made enough for auditing to be a concern though.  She had a small upright freezer.  I was going to take it, but decided to give it to my mother-in-law.  DH added it to the end of the pickup truck bed and left it in his parent's garage last night.  He also took my Dad's fancy walker with the handbrakes and the seat that you can actually weel someone on, in place of a wheelchair.  DH also nabbed the transport wheelchair as he takes his parents and his one brother who is an amputee to their Dr. Appointments.  

We found a Graduation Certificate for our grandfather dated 1911.  DS thought maybe it was his graduation from 8th grade.  We suspect that was as far as he went.  My Grandmother and My Great Aunt (Grandpa's sister) both went to teacher's college, but I don't know what age/what that education was equivalent to.

The safe deposit box with documents was also in the basement and the deed to the house was in the box.  DB wanted to hire someone to just come it and do it for us, but not only is it $3500, DS and I can't envision them sorting out things we want to keep vs. trash/donate.  Time is of the Essense though, so we may need to call in the cavalry after a bit. I am hoping that can be extended family though.  I need to find someone to value some antiques, and the jewelry mom inherited from her aunt.

My mom was resistant to the assisted living facility at first, but she has been there about a month now, and she seems to be happy there.  

My one BIL got a used hospital bed for his dad with the electric controls and installed it for him.  Idk if he would have fought a new one due to cost, but he accepted the one my BIL brought in.  There is also a commode set up in the room he is using as his bedroom.  The bedrooms in their house are small so MIL and FIL are using separate bedrooms now.