Aging Parent Support Thread

[emma1420]

My grandmother had to put my grandfather in a nursing home 20 years ago.   The way it worked back then was that the state required them to spend down at least 40% of their assets (outside of their home) to pay for my grandfather's care.   After that point medicaid picked up the tab.   I have no idea if it's the same way or not now.  My grandmother is now in a nursing home, but that is paid by medicaid, as she had no money when she went into the nursing facility.

And I always find it interesting how people age and the choices that they make.  There are some people who are simply horrified at the idea that their friends or family would have to give up part of their life to serve as a care taker.  And then there are others who have the expectation that everyone will take care of them.   

[TheOtherMe]

It's Thursday.  Another trip for groceries.  I may take up drinking alcohol.

[Jaguar]

<< HUGS >> Theo

[happyhoix]

Aug 16, 2018 10:31:59 GMT -5 emma1420 said:

My grandmother had to put my grandfather in a nursing home 20 years ago.   The way it worked back then was that the state required them to spend down at least 40% of their assets (outside of their home) to pay for my grandfather's care.   After that point medicaid picked up the tab.   I have no idea if it's the same way or not now.  My grandmother is now in a nursing home, but that is paid by medicaid, as she had no money when she went into the nursing facility.

And I always find it interesting how people age and the choices that they make.  There are some people who are simply horrified at the idea that their friends or family would have to give up part of their life to serve as a care taker.  And then there are others who have the expectation that everyone will take care of them.   

when my mom wanted to put our dad in a memory care facility, they told her she could keep her house and car but had to spend down their savings to I think about 20% before Medicaid would kick in.

When my mom went into the nursing home, she had to spend down to 10% before Medicaid would start picking up the tab. Fortunately she had enough money saved she could afford to pay for a private memory care facility (it didn't allow Medicaid patients, only those patients who could pay the monthly fees) all the way up until she died (about five years worth) - so glad she didn't outlive her money because in this state, the nursing homes that accept Medicaid patients are not that great.

[Ava]

I had an argument with mom

I got home after work to pick her up and take her to the YMCA.

It's rush hour but traffic is horrible at all times. An idiot cut in front of me and I could stop but it was close.

I lashed out because I am tired of driving. She lashed out too and said driving is nothing compared to what she had to go through to survive.

Now we are not talking.

I really wish she wouldn't come next uear. Just for one year to see if she adapts to spending winters back home. What we are doing isn't working for me and I believe it doesn't work for her either.

[Deleted]

Aug 16, 2018 16:56:13 GMT -5 Ava said:

I lashed out because I am tired of driving. She lashed out too and said driving is nothing compared to what she had to go through to survive.

Now we are not talking.

I really wish she wouldn't come next year. Just for one year to see if she adapts to spending winters back home. What we are doing isn't working for me and I believe it doesn't work for her either.

Ava, YOU have been through a lot.  Probably not what your mother went through just to survive, but living in a foreign country on your own, getting an education and a respected professional credential, juggling work and study... AND trying to please your mother at the same time.   There's no "you" time and you've been living like this for years. 

What would happen if you just told your mother that clearly this wasn't working, she wasn't happy staying with you and it was time for her to go home/not return next year?  If she's going to complain about everything when she visits and make demands that disrupt your life and your job, maybe it needs to stop. Does she have any friends and family who can be support for her at home?   I'd love to see you post from a long weekend at some B&B where you're sipping coffee on the front porch and looking forward to a hike or sightseeing later in the day!

[countrygirl2]

I'm sure not planning on doing something like that to our son.  And even though his wife and I are at odds at times, I am not doing that to her either.  I do not expect them to take care of me.

Now having said that, I have no idea how I will get care, but something will work out somehow.  Ava, other people like your mom get care somehow or other where she lives.  Look into other alternatives and see what you can do.  It may save both of your sanities.

[Ava]

She doesn't need care. She's not senile.

It's just that she's retired, can't walk too much and feels lonely.
We used to get along great until recently. Actually I was always looking forward to her coming. A few years ago I started to realize that her coming for months at a time every year meant that I can't really organize myself or get a life of my own. Each time she comes my routine changes and then she leaves and I have to start from scratch again.
Add to that the fact that she used to go out to the YMCA and the library and the mall on her own. Now she's stuck in my home waiting for me to arrive to take her places. The dynamics have changed a lot in a very short time. She's bored and I am exhausted. I get very stressed driving, and now I have the long commute from work, pick her up and go out again. I am always tired, stressed and resentful. It's not a good thing.
I want to tell her not to come anymore, or to come for something like 4 to 6 weeks. My reluctance is that I would be turning my back on her when she's getting old and I can't do that. I couldn't live with myself. We will have to find a way to make this work.

I am not having a good time and I can tell she isn't either. We clash a lot, she's very opinionated and wants to direct my life, change the setup of my furniture, buy me clothes she likes, etc. and it's getting worse as she gets older. After all, I am 45 and I should be able to live my own life in peace.

If she tells me she's not coming next year, I won't try to dissuade her. If she decides to come I will tell her to come for a shorter stay.

[TheOtherMe]

People don't just need care for being senile.

[zibazinski]

Aug 17, 2018 18:00:56 GMT -5 Ava said:

She doesn't need care. She's not senile.

It's just that she's retired, can't walk too much and feels lonely.
We used to get along great until recently. Actually I was always looking forward to her coming. A few years ago I started to realize that her coming for months at a time every year meant that I can't really organize myself or get a life of my own. Each time she comes my routine changes and then she leaves and I have to start from scratch again.
Add to that the fact that she used to go out to the YMCA and the library and the mall on her own. Now she's stuck in my home waiting for me to arrive to take her places. The dynamics have changed a lot in a very short time. She's bored and I am exhausted. I get very stressed driving, and now I have the long commute from work, pick her up and go out again. I am always tired, stressed and resentful. It's not a good thing.
I want to tell her not to come anymore, or to come for something like 4 to 6 weeks. My reluctance is that I would be turning my back on her when she's getting old and I can't do that. I couldn't live with myself. We will have to find a way to make this work.

I am not having a good time and I can tell she isn't either. We clash a lot, she's very opinionated and wants to direct my life, change the setup of my furniture, buy me clothes she likes, etc. and it's getting worse as she gets older. After all, I am 45 and I should be able to live my own life in peace.

If she tells me she's not coming next year, I won't try to dissuade her. If she decides to come I will tell her to come for a shorter stay.

You don’t have taxis, busses, or Uber:Lyft where you live?

[Ava]

We have busses, but she would have to walk a few blocks to get there, and the terrain is very hilly. She can't do that anymore.

Uber is available but it's not feasible as an everyday or every other day transportation because of cost.

[mmhmm]

Aug 17, 2018 21:06:48 GMT -5 Ava said:

We have busses, but she would have to walk a few blocks to get there, and the terrain is very hilly. She can't do that anymore.

Uber is available but it's not feasible as an everyday or every other day transportation because of cost.

Is there no family in the old country who can spend time with her when she's there to see she doesn't feel lonely and abandoned? If she's got that in place it shouldn't be necessary for her to come here for extended periods of time.

[countrygirl2]

My mom was the same way.  We lived in the country in Texas, she would sit there all day waiting for me to get home.  She was all dressed up and had her purse waiting for us to go out.  Like you I had a horrible commute, I was exhausted and we clashed.  It was bad, I too was resentful, but I lost my job and everything.  In retrospect wish I had done something different, my SS suffered, but I've said all this before.  It will just keep building, I hate to tell you so try to think of a reasonable solution.  I feel for you.  There are no easy answers, I suffered for years knowing I had done things for mom she did not want done.  I think it happens to many of us one way or another.


So much you are saying just brings back those memories.

[Ava]

Sorry to bring back bad memories, countrygirl. It wasn't my intention.

[Ava]

Aug 17, 2018 21:10:16 GMT -5 mmhmm said:

Aug 17, 2018 21:06:48 GMT -5 Ava said:

We have busses, but she would have to walk a few blocks to get there, and the terrain is very hilly. She can't do that anymore.

Uber is available but it's not feasible as an everyday or every other day transportation because of cost.

Is there no family in the old country who can spend time with her when she's there to see she doesn't feel lonely and abandoned? If she's got that in place it shouldn't be necessary for her to come here for extended periods of time.

She has family and friends back home. But her siblings are older than her, two of them passed away recently, and her friends have their own lives.
It happens to me too, I have some friends, they have their lives and I see them every now and then.

She lives alone and really doesn't have much to do. She plays scrabble with a group, goes to swim, to the theater sometimes, etc. But she has so much time in her hands since she had to retire.
I have a brother who lives there in the old country. He has a family and two jobs so really not much time. He goes to visit her every couple of weeks or so
I understand she wants to spend time with me because she feels lonely and besides that, she genuinely misses me. She has even asked me several times to move back. The problem is that at this point in my life it makes more sense to finish my working life here so I can have SS. If I move back now I won't have nothing.

The problem is, once she's here she becomes dependent on me for everything. I work full time, I have a long commute. The last thing I want is to arrive home, get her in the car, and go out again. It was great when she was mobile, but her back issues have changed everything. She was so independent back then. I would arrive home and talk about my day, she would tell me about her day, I would stay home and relax, etc.

[zibazinski]

Uber is more feasible than a bad relationship. If she could uber out to something maybe you could pick her up on the way home.

[jkapp]

I haven't had to deal with this (yet), but my cousins are dealing with it right now with my Aunt and Uncle.  They're health deteriorated all very suddenly too.  My Aunt twisted her knee and needed surgery, during PT she ended up hurting her back and needed surgery on that, and my Uncle was helping her stand up, get out of bed, etc and got a hernia, so he needed surgery all while my Aunt was still recuperating.  So my cousins have had to make a lot of trips to help them out (one lives about 100 miles away too).  My parents moved back to this area recently, so they've been able to help a little with doctor visits but it still has to be frustrating for my cousins to have to constantly be "on call" for all this.

Seeing that, and having my parents near me again, I have to wonder how long it will be before I'm in the same situation.  My parents even said "we want to live close to you in case we have an emergency."  I told them if they have an emergency to call for an ambulance - don't call me, I'm not a doctor!

[Ava]

Aug 18, 2018 5:40:09 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Uber is more feasible than a bad relationship. If she could uber out to something maybe you could pick her up on the way home.

I wish it was that easy. The open hours for the pool are in the morning and the Library activities are in morning

Then she needs to come back home for lunch and rest. It's too expensive to ride Uber twice a day. This isn't a big city with a lot to do at all hours. Possible activities are limited and there is also a language barrier as she doesn't understand English.

[chapeau]

Can you look into something like a senior-specific bus or that kind of transportation? Since she's not a citizen/doesn't have a green card it might limit what she has access to (some of those are income specific or based, and I'm not sure how they'd handle it if the person requesting services doesn't have US-based income.

Is there a senior center in your town? If you have a chance during the workday, I'd call them and ask if there is anything available for your mom. She might have to pay a small fee, but it could be less than Uber.

[Ava]

Aug 18, 2018 10:40:50 GMT -5 chapeau said:

Can you look into something like a senior-specific bus or that kind of transportation? Since she's not a citizen/doesn't have a green card it might limit what she has access to (some of those are income specific or based, and I'm not sure how they'd handle it if the person requesting services doesn't have US-based income.

Is there a senior center in your town? If you have a chance during the workday, I'd call them and ask if there is anything available for your mom. She might have to pay a small fee, but it could be less than Uber.

I haven't looked into it but pretty certain she doesn't qualify for anything.
Even if she did she would kill me if I try to send her to a senior center. She wouldn't go.

[mmhmm]

Ava, do get a copy of the new Boundaries book: "Boundaries Updated and Expanded" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. I believe it will be very helpful to you.

[Bonny]

Today was tough. Tried phoning my dad but he can't hear me over the phone even when I shouted. He's getting his dates mixed up and I talked to the g/f for a while. I don't know how much longer she will put up with the situation. I'm feeling like the time to move out of the house is coming soon.

I also talked to my brother who says dad is looking better but is reverting back to some inappropriate comments as well as not remembering conversations he's had earlier in the day.

And to loop back to an earlier post. When Dad fell he did break ribs and gave himself a concussion.

[emma1420]

Aug 17, 2018 18:00:56 GMT -5 Ava said:

She doesn't need care. She's not senile.

It's just that she's retired, can't walk too much and feels lonely.
We used to get along great until recently. Actually I was always looking forward to her coming. A few years ago I started to realize that her coming for months at a time every year meant that I can't really organize myself or get a life of my own. Each time she comes my routine changes and then she leaves and I have to start from scratch again.
Add to that the fact that she used to go out to the YMCA and the library and the mall on her own. Now she's stuck in my home waiting for me to arrive to take her places. The dynamics have changed a lot in a very short time. She's bored and I am exhausted. I get very stressed driving, and now I have the long commute from work, pick her up and go out again. I am always tired, stressed and resentful. It's not a good thing.
I want to tell her not to come anymore, or to come for something like 4 to 6 weeks. My reluctance is that I would be turning my back on her when she's getting old and I can't do that. I couldn't live with myself. We will have to find a way to make this work.

I am not having a good time and I can tell she isn't either. We clash a lot, she's very opinionated and wants to direct my life, change the setup of my furniture, buy me clothes she likes, etc. and it's getting worse as she gets older. After all, I am 45 and I should be able to live my own life in peace.

If she tells me she's not coming next year, I won't try to dissuade her. If she decides to come I will tell her to come for a shorter stay.

What's the worst that would happen if you told your mom that she was welcome to come for 3-4 weeks, but that was the maximum?

My dad and I are very close, and he lives in Europe.  Until a few years ago, he used to come over every summer and spend 3 weeks with me.  I found it incredibly stressful.  I couldn't take off 3 weeks to hang out with him, and while he drove her preferred not to have the expense of a rental car.

Finally, I just had to sit him down and tell him that he was welcome to come for a week but, that was pretty much it.   He wasn't happy at first, but you know what?  He got over it.  For the last couple years we've met up in a city on the east coast sometime in the summer, and we both enjoy the trip more, even though it's shorter.

[Ava]

Aug 20, 2018 15:57:21 GMT -5 emma1420 said:

Aug 17, 2018 18:00:56 GMT -5 Ava said:

She doesn't need care. She's not senile.

It's just that she's retired, can't walk too much and feels lonely.
We used to get along great until recently. Actually I was always looking forward to her coming. A few years ago I started to realize that her coming for months at a time every year meant that I can't really organize myself or get a life of my own. Each time she comes my routine changes and then she leaves and I have to start from scratch again.
Add to that the fact that she used to go out to the YMCA and the library and the mall on her own. Now she's stuck in my home waiting for me to arrive to take her places. The dynamics have changed a lot in a very short time. She's bored and I am exhausted. I get very stressed driving, and now I have the long commute from work, pick her up and go out again. I am always tired, stressed and resentful. It's not a good thing.
I want to tell her not to come anymore, or to come for something like 4 to 6 weeks. My reluctance is that I would be turning my back on her when she's getting old and I can't do that. I couldn't live with myself. We will have to find a way to make this work.

I am not having a good time and I can tell she isn't either. We clash a lot, she's very opinionated and wants to direct my life, change the setup of my furniture, buy me clothes she likes, etc. and it's getting worse as she gets older. After all, I am 45 and I should be able to live my own life in peace.

If she tells me she's not coming next year, I won't try to dissuade her. If she decides to come I will tell her to come for a shorter stay.

What's the worst that would happen if you told your mom that she was welcome to come for 3-4 weeks, but that was the maximum?

My dad and I are very close, and he lives in Europe.  Until a few years ago, he used to come over every summer and spend 3 weeks with me.  I found it incredibly stressful.  I couldn't take off 3 weeks to hang out with him, and while he drove her preferred not to have the expense of a rental car.

Finally, I just had to sit him down and tell him that he was welcome to come for a week but, that was pretty much it.   He wasn't happy at first, but you know what?  He got over it.  For the last couple years we've met up in a city on the east coast sometime in the summer, and we both enjoy the trip more, even though it's shorter.

That's what I've decided to do; invite her for a shorter period of time. I think 4 or 5 weeks would be ideal

[TheOtherMe]

Thursday is officially my least favorite day of the week.    

Took dad to Dollar General for circle words after being told they have a large variety and they cost less.  They had all kinds of them, but not a single one fit his requirements.  Not a single one.  The ones that were the right size for his hands were large print.  He couldn't tell me why he refuses to do large print.  

I tried to explain to him that since he can't try anything new, he can't do a book a week as there are not that many in existence.  His response:  what do I do if I don't have them?  

You will soon be finding out because there are 3 or 4 books per month in the town where you live.  I can't manufacture them.  

[TheOtherMe]

He also didn't like Dollar General and doesn't want to go there any more.

[stillmovingforward]

I support an aging parent. I'll write about that later. But I'm currently making my house more senior friendly as I've hit my 50's. And 2 of my kids discuss what will happen as i age and what the expectations are. They actually want to do more for me than I want them to. One of them is planning on building a co-housing building and they've granted me first dibs on the bottom floor condo.

[Deleted]

I am very worried about a good friend who, at 85, is still pretty sharp mentally but facing multiple health challenges.  She is the matriarch of the family which includes a very emotionally needy, unemployed (and unemployable to be honest) 50-something daughter.  She's had a hip replaced, needs to have a knee replaced but it's unclear if she will be cleared for surgery because of a significant inoperable brain aneurysm, and just had a cardiac catheterization to place two stents. Ironically, my friend has no history of heart problems and a perfect cholesterol profile. Fortunately she is quite well off, but I think life will be changing for her soon in terms of mobility and activity.  

Since DH and I have no family, if or when we reach the point where one of us can't care for the other, it will be assisted living for sure.   DH is older than I am but probably has healthier habits than I do.  This getting old stuff is very challenging.

[Bonny]

Aug 26, 2018 16:31:05 GMT -5 @donethat said:

I am very worried about a good friend who, at 85, is still pretty sharp mentally but facing multiple health challenges.  She is the matriarch of the family which includes a very emotionally needy, unemployed (and unemployable to be honest) 50-something daughter.  She's had a hip replaced, needs to have a knee replaced but it's unclear if she will be cleared for surgery because of a significant inoperable brain aneurysm, and just had a cardiac catheterization to place two stents. Ironically, my friend has no history of heart problems and a perfect cholesterol profile. Fortunately she is quite well off, but I think life will be changing for her soon in terms of mobility and activity.  

My neighbor is in a similar situation. She's in her 80s and in the last year or so has become very frail. It appears that she is no longer driving but is being driven in her car. She's got a lodger who seems to be taking on more and more chores (presumably in exchange for rent (reductions?)). Her 55+ year old son has substance abuse problems and she's got a restraining order against him. But every once in a while he stops by. For very selfish reasons I hope she sells the house if she needs to go into assisted living. I don't want him moving in next door!

[stillmovingforward]

My mother lives in an ADU attached to my house.  She is legally my dependent due to having only a small 401(k) and small social security.  I pay for her housing, utilities and most of her food.  I pay for her supplemental medical.  My parents never made much and she retired early to care for my dad who was quite ill.  When he died, she couldn't afford the bills where they lived.  She COULD have moved into senior housing.  However, I pointed out to her that 1) she wouldn't like it as she hates apartments and 2) when she gets sick or needs something, I have 4 kids and a demanding full time job and wasn't going to be able to run over to aid her.  The closest housing for her was an hour away.  

I built and she moved into the ADU, she spent a few years driving kids to school and taking care of them when they were sick so I could continue to work unencumbered. Then the kids got older and finally off to college. Worked out well for us. 

She also (bless her!) voluntarily went through most of her stuff and boxed or go rid of it.  I was pretty firm that I wasn't going to pay to store anything, she only had 'x' area to use as storage, and if she gave anything to me then it was mine to keep or get rid of.  Now, she asks for meals out and weekend jaunts as gifts.  If she can't eat it or experience it, she has no interesting in receiving it.  She loves it most if the person who is gifting it to her goes with her.  Want to go to the museum, take granny!  She'll be delighted (and most likely embarrass you.  One kid lives in a high LGBT area which fascinates her!)

This works well for us.  She keeps (mostly) out of my business unless I ask her opinion.  Because I've set those boundaries firmly.  She has her own place so we don't encroach on each other.  As she gets older, I'm driving her more and taking time off for medical but she doesn't need full time help yet. Just financial, help with tasks she can no longer do and some reminding (the coffee pot broke - here, I bought you a new one, call the dr. again, get your pills refilled, shower today, etc.). It's not bad.  But we both work at it and respect each other.  That is critical.  And she's poor, not crazy.  That helps a lot!