Aging Parent Support Thread

[Ava]

I am so grateful for this thread.

Mother is mid-seventies, mentally sound and physically healthy. Her only issue was back surgery a year ago. With that said she has slowed down considerably. She can only walk short distances. She's intelligent and plays scrabble, reads, etc. But I see signs of decline. She asks the same question several times, forgets the answers, has difficulty understanding relatively simple things, etc.

Although I am the long-distance daughter, I'm starting to feel asphyxiated. She comes here and stays for months. I am her driver to anywhere she wants to go and her only source of company & emotional support. I change my hours at work to arrive home earlier, take her to swim to the YMCA every day, spend all my free time with her. She still claims to feel lonely and depressed here. But she insists on coming again and again.

When she's back home she calls me every night and talks for at least half an hour. Every day. I know she feels lonely but it drags me down. It's also difficult to get a social life or even a schedule because she comes for months and disrupts whatever routine or social connections I manage to create.

Of course, I feel incredibly guilty to admit I am so uncomfortable with the whole situation. She raised me well and gave me the best education, home, etc. she could afford. I know I feel worse as time goes by and she becomes more needy and dependent.

I only see things going downhill from here.

[Deleted]

Ava, it sounds like your mother is unhappy and bored and nothing you can do will fix that.  You have NO reason to feel guilty.  It's amazing that you managed to finish up your degree AND pass CPA exams while tending to your mother and her multiple needs.  

One book that has been recommended on this site is called "Boundaries".    I haven't read it but it's supposed to be very good at helping people balance their own needs with those of overly needy friends and relatives.  The observation I once made about my Ex (alcoholic, lazy, financially irresponsible, untreated mental illness) was, "All you can do isn't enough".  Maybe the book will help.

[Ava]

Well this is a recent thing. I would say she slowly started to change about three years ago or so.
She was very active and had a high level job before retirement and back problems.

She was also a beautiful woman who always had someone

It's very hard for her getting older and she's not adapting well.

When she's here she does cleaning and cooking so it helped when I was studying for the CPA
I would wake up really early and study a couple of hours before going to work

She only lives with me 4 months a year but it's very disruptive.

I'll see if the Library has the book

[TheOtherMe]

The Thursday trips to the grocery store with dad now seem to end with me coming home to cry.  

[Jaguar]

I'm so sorry Theo, <<< HUGS >>>

[risehappy]

Even when cost isn't an issue (and it is for virtually everyone), finding the "right" place for someone with dementia is a HUGE challenge. There is a tipping point where their safety is an issue either due to wandering or just being left alone (feeding, personal care, etc.), but they are not incapacitated. Memory care options that are even reasonably affordable (~$6K+ a month for us in a MCOLA) that I visited were closer to nursing home like facilities, which are absolutely what some people need.  Restricted access, simple activities, food served in unit, etc.

For the person with moderate dementia, they still need interaction, privacy and more of a home-like environment. As they decline, though, can assisted living still provide enough care? Even at a cost of $5K or more a month? We found out the answer is sort of. For $$$, often through outside providers. 

[chapeau]

I watched my mom and uncles go through this with my grandfather. Mom lived 2 blocks away, uncle 1 lived about 5 miles. They bore the lion’s share, although in some ways my mom had more care, although uncle had the harder stuff. Grandfather felt very strongly that mom could not assist him with his personal care, so my uncle helped him bathe 3 or 4/week. Towards the end he needed help in the bathroom, and only in the most dire of emergencies was mom “allowed” to help. I don’t know how uncle and mom had the grace to handle it without strangling someone.
Uncle 2 helped almost never and criticized every.single.decision mom and uncle 1 made. Uncle 2 doesn’t know that his nieces and nephews know how badly he behaved, but we all do.
So my best advice is if you’re not the caregiver, don’t criticize the caregiver. In most cases he or she is doing the best they can. Look at what you see as a problem and try to see why that decision was made and if you would have decided differently, see if you can offer support that would make your choice an option. Put your money or time where your mouth is.
I’m lucky that my mom and dad are still fairly active and in good health, but they’re 79 and 83. Every day that lasts is a gift. And I live 2 blocks away. Siblings are 1 hour (2 of them) and no 3 is a 10 hour drive. The physical stuff will probably be on me.

[empress of self-improvement]

My MIL has dementia. She lives with a BIL and SIL. They get a home health aide for her a couple days a week, I think. And a housekeeper because my SIL can't be bothered although she lives all the way up stairs. She's too busy helicoptering her daughter and trying to be her best friend. BIL is a lot better about it but alas, he works FT and has a bitch of a commute into Boston most of the time. There is another BIL who is actually living there with her but he has weird work hours and also takes care of his granddaughter on a regular basis as well. Personally, I think he should be doing the housecleaning because most of the shit in the place is his. The vast amount of useless crap that he has is mind-boggling. Unfortunately, I see where DH got it from
I, sad to say, get out of having to do any care duties for MIL because of DH. Oh what a JOY!!! NOT!!! They are both the same so it isn't really an issue. Just let them repeat the same stories over and over and over and over. DH can't remember the last time he took a shower (Tuesday if you must know) but he can remember the most useless shit from when he was in high school! And his mother is the EXACT SAME WAY!!!!!!!!!! God save me.
In a way, I am so glad my parents are both gone and saved me from having to deal with this because my sister is useless and I probably would have been even more homicidal than I was when my mother did pass.

[nittanycheme]

My grandpa lived "alone" after my grandma passed away about 15 years ago.  For about the next 8 years, he did pretty well on his own, then he slowly started going downhill.  He lived about 1/2 mile away from my dad (his son) and my uncle actually lived with him for a while.  He was in a ranch house with no basement.  My uncle moved out with his girlfriend.  Once my grandpa started going downhill, my dad started helping him more and more.  If my dad hadn't been so close, my grandpa wouldn't likely have been able to stay in the house as long as he did.  He passed at 97, and stayed at home until about 2 months before he passed.  At that point, he had gone to the hospital for something, and then rapidly went downhill.    My dad would make sure he took his pills, and give him his eyedrops.  He drove him to his doctors appts, did grocery shopping, and did some of the cleaning.  I would help (grandpa was a really messy cook) but ended up hiring a lady from down the street to come clean and mow the yard.  I think they also started to have to have someone come in to help him bathe.  Fortunately, my grandpa had a pretty good pension and health insurance so he could afford to have that type of help.  He wasn't rich, but none of my aunts and uncles (there were 5 kids) wanted any inheritance.  They were all pretty good about grandpa spending it to help himself out, and all but my one uncle was very supportive of my dad.  That uncle just liked to be difficult - its his nature.  My other uncle actually ending up passing away before my grandpa did.  My dad found him - it was very sad.

My DH's grandma just passed.  She had been in bad shape for quite a while, and my MIL, SIL and her housemate/boyfriend did quite a bit to keep her in her home over the last 5 years.  She ended up falling, breaking her leg, and passing about 2 months later.  I think that really opened his eyes.  He actually talked about looking at LTC options since we don't have any kids to help.  We got some quotes, and he was surprised at the cost.  But they are still far less than actual care if we need it, so I'm getting ready to push the issue.  I'm getting some additional quotes, and we need to discuss what we want.  Even if we lower the $/day benefit a little, we both have some pension $ that would get us to the "typical" cost.  It's not like we'll be using that pension money for much else once we get to that point.

My dad is now 75, and his physicality has changed quite a bit over the last year, especially after he slipped and ended up cracking some ribs.  I'm trying to get him to exercise a bit more.  He walks, but I think he needs to do a little bit of strength work.  My mom bought a couple of 2 pound and 4 pound weights.  Even doing some exercises with those will help.  He needs that - unlike my grandpa's house, my dad's house is 2 stories, and the only bathroom is on the second story.     Anyone have any recommendations on when i should bring up the topic of a chairlift for the stairs?  He doesn't need it now, but I'm sure at some point he will.  I know he'd rather stay in the house as a long as possible.  While I could do his laundry, which would mean they wouldn't need to go to the basement, the need for the bathroom is unavoidable.

[Works4me]

Susana - you need to explore "spousal impoverishment laws" with a good elder care attorney. They were created and exist in order to prevent the healthy spouse from going broke while cc'd a ring for an unwell spouse. Please do this ASAP as the sooner things are put into motion the better. Another important concept is the "preservation of assets for the heirs.

Question - how long have you been married? IIRC,it was fairly recently and most of the assets were yours? Have they remained in your name alone? Also, did your husband ever serve in the military?

[zibazinski]

That’s why I was so insistent on DH and I buying a house on one level and why I live in one now. The nice homes are all two-three stories but I can stay here for awhile because it’s all one level. A lot of new homes are being built with two masters on both levels. You can move to the downstairs one if necessary and it can be a guest room if you don’t need it. Very smart.

[chapeau]

nittanycheme something else to think about is putting in a powder room, if there is a space. My grandfather put in a half bath in a literal closet under the stairs when my grandmother couldn’t manage the stairs multiple times a day. It is a very tiny bath, but it’s very handy to have.

[Deleted]

Aug 10, 2018 6:22:41 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

That’s why I was so insistent on DH and I buying a house on one level and why I live in one now. The nice homes are all two-three stories but I can stay here for awhile because it’s all one level. A lot of new homes are being built with two masters on both levels. You can move to the downstairs one if necessary and it can be a guest room if you don’t need it. Very smart.

DH and I insisted on at least 2 BRS on the main level when we were looking 3 years ago; he'd already had a couple of falls and if he woke up with itching or sweating attacks from his polycythemia, or I was snoring, he had to go upstairs to get to the spare BR in the old house. It was amazing how much of the new construction STILL had only the master on the main floor. Many of the older houses are on one level but have very small rooms. We eventually chose a 20-year old house, which we loved and which I still love even though DH is gone.

I wish builders would get a clue. There are tons of McMansions like our old house out there, with living on 3 levels, and the population is aging.

[Deleted]

Aug 10, 2018 17:13:39 GMT -5 @athena53 said:

Aug 10, 2018 6:22:41 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

That’s why I was so insistent on DH and I buying a house on one level and why I live in one now. The nice homes are all two-three stories but I can stay here for awhile because it’s all one level. A lot of new homes are being built with two masters on both levels. You can move to the downstairs one if necessary and it can be a guest room if you don’t need it. Very smart.

DH and I insisted on at least 2 BRS on the main level when we were looking 3 years ago; he'd already had a couple of falls and if he woke up with itching or sweating attacks from his polycythemia, or I was snoring, he had to go upstairs to get to the spare BR in the old house. It was amazing how much of the new construction STILL had only the master on the main floor. Many of the older houses are on one level but have very small rooms. We eventually chose a 20-year old house, which we loved and which I still love even though DH is gone.

I wish builders would get a clue. There are tons of McMansions like our old house out there, with living on 3 levels, and the population is aging.

We have an A-frame ranch so there are no stairs except to go to the basement.  We only go there for a tornado warning, which actually isn't as frequent as you would think given where we live.  Our part of Alabama has a LOT of tornadoes.  

I lived in a two-story house when I was married to the ex.  You might as well call it a three-story since you came in from the garage on the basement level plus the washer/dryer were in the basement.  Then we finished it so really a three-story.

Never again.

[countrygirl2]

A few items for assisted living.  VA used to be a look back of 3 years, now its 5.  If you or your spouse served even 1 day in a combat zone, look into assistance.  There are asset limitations but check with your county officer to see, you or a parent just might qualify.  Also our DD may qualify on her dads one day.  You cannot have Medicaid and VA therefore keep regular insurance long as possible, MIL has union ins and medicare.  We are very very fortunate, in our small town we have a very nice assisted living,  its $2000 a month that includes laundry and level II assistance.  But its raising every year as is her insurance.  She gets $2300 a month and it costs, $2300 a month after we moved her into an efficiency, she has $10k left.  She will have increases in VA if the COL goes up SS was a $2 a month raise last year, so we are extremely close.


LTC, again be careful, many people are paying on it for years then when they need it the companies are terminating it because the care costs way beyond what they have collected, happens a lot. And the older you get the premiums get so high folks have to finally give up.

 And you ask what happens to people that have no one.  Let me give an example of an old lady and her husband in a nearby small town.  They apparently had no kids and all family was dead or so extended non existent.  The neighbors tried to watch out for them, they called protective services, they would do nothing. She was mentally declining also.  I went through that too, absolutely NO help.  The very old lady was trying to take care of her husband but she needed care too, no one could do anything.  A few years ago in the winter, she apparently got outside in a thin nightgown and died in the snow.  No one knew for sure what she was trying to do. The husband was then put in a facility, don't know how long he lasted.  This is what happens in many cases.  

For us we don't know, still dealing with MIL, hope she has enough money to last until she finally needs a nursing home.  Then hubs, I, and DD.  Talked with caseworker the other day, in the program DD is in she has funds to move into a highrise facility, caregiver monies are available for some assistance.  We don't know if the money will still be there when she needs it or not, we are hoping.  Hubs and I likely a spend down situation.  With my health issues I'm likely to go first.  Hubs will care for DD long as he can and he swears when he is on decline he will take care of himself.  I have no doubt he will, that is just how he is.

I feel for those with parent issues, already went through it with mom, dad was killed on the job,  he would have been a real problem.  MIL dealt with FIL, he got docile finally before it was all done and wasn't to hard, he passed quickly.  So just down to MIL, even hubs says she can't move in which surprised me.  Good luck everyone

[zibazinski]

Becoming a burden to your child/children should not be a parents goal.

[tractor]

Aug 12, 2018 3:54:15 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Becoming a burden to your child/children should not be a parents goal.

I don’t think it a goal as much as an expectation. My grand parents died young due to health issues (62, 64), as did their siblings (my dads aunts & uncles). Based on that fact alone, my father figured his life expectancy was 65-70, he was sure he would drop dead of a heart attack. His plan almost worked, until during a doctors visit for a routine checkup, they took him directly to the hospital, with a quadruple bi-pass the next day. He’s now expected to live for many more years. This is supposed to be a good thing right?

Fast forward to now, he’s 75, with no savings, and only a minimal SS check to get by on, remember he was supposed to die young, so why save? He was also self employed, and underreported his income so his taxes wouldn’t be so high. Thus he now gets a very small SS check every month.

He now lives with us, has no $$ to do things, and is well on his way to not only being a financial burden, but a drain on my relationship with my wife as we support him. I do not know what the future holds, but I do know that I will continue to put away every penny I can so I don’t have to depend on my kids when I get old. I’m sure this was never his goal, just the way things have worked out.

[stillmovingforward]

Tractor: I feel like i could be your dad! I am battling several kinds of cancer and wonder all the time if I should spend more money to make my life easier now and do the things I want to do. Or if I should save more because maybe I'll live into a long retirement and need it. Either way, its so hard to guess right! I've compromised by saving some and spending some. And I work hard at getting among and respecting my kids' space in case I may need their help later. My DD1 and her husband have already been helpful beyond compare!

[Nazgul Girl]

   Sorry that you are going through this, stillmovingforward.   Wishing you health and happiness !!

[happyhoix]

Aug 10, 2018 17:13:39 GMT -5 @athena53 said:

Aug 10, 2018 6:22:41 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

That’s why I was so insistent on DH and I buying a house on one level and why I live in one now. The nice homes are all two-three stories but I can stay here for awhile because it’s all one level. A lot of new homes are being built with two masters on both levels. You can move to the downstairs one if necessary and it can be a guest room if you don’t need it. Very smart.

DH and I insisted on at least 2 BRS on the main level when we were looking 3 years ago; he'd already had a couple of falls and if he woke up with itching or sweating attacks from his polycythemia, or I was snoring, he had to go upstairs to get to the spare BR in the old house. It was amazing how much of the new construction STILL had only the master on the main floor. Many of the older houses are on one level but have very small rooms. We eventually chose a 20-year old house, which we loved and which I still love even though DH is gone.

I wish builders would get a clue. There are tons of McMansions like our old house out there, with living on 3 levels, and the population is aging.

Off topic a bit, but I was watching a British TV show on Netflix called Escape to the Country - mostly retirement age people wanting to move out of the city to a slower paced lifestyle in some beautiful spot in Britain.

I can only recall a single couple mentioning wanting a bedroom on the first floor, and that was a couple with an 80+ year old mom who would be living with them. Some of these couples in their 60s and 70s were buying quaint cottage type houses that required you to shimmy up a narrow set of stairs to the second or even third level to the master bedroom. One house was converted from an old stable (it was gorgeous) but it was all 1 level, and the buyer rejected it immediately for having all the bedrooms on the ground floor.

I wonder what the Brits do when they age? Are they just more skinny and spry then us and never have problems with stairs? Is there some cultural objection to bedrooms on the first floor? I know on a different series (British people buying houses on the European continent) they said that Germans don't like open plan kitchens because they think kitchens stink, so maybe this is just an English bias against first floor bedrooms....

[Deleted]

Aug 13, 2018 14:30:21 GMT -5 happyhoix said:

Off topic a bit, but I was watching a British TV show on Netflix called Escape to the Country - mostly retirement age people wanting to move out of the city to a slower paced lifestyle in some beautiful spot in Britain.

I can only recall a single couple mentioning wanting a bedroom on the first floor, and that was a couple with an 80+ year old mom who would be living with them. Some of these couples in their 60s and 70s were buying quaint cottage type houses that required you to shimmy up a narrow set of stairs to the second or even third level to the master bedroom. One house was converted from an old stable (it was gorgeous) but it was all 1 level, and the buyer rejected it immediately for having all the bedrooms on the first floor.

Oh, I know- I've been watching "Escape to the Continent", the other show you mentioned, and these 60-ish people ooh and ah over houses on 3 levels, a swimming pool and massive property with olive trees and manicured gardens. A few are thinking of a B&B or rental income from a separate building. I just want to scream at the TV, "What about weeding? Who'll pick the olives? What about pool maintenance? Will you still be able to climb stairs when you're 80?"

And then you realize why someone is SELLING the place.

[happyhoix]

Aug 13, 2018 16:07:35 GMT -5 @athena53 said:

Aug 13, 2018 14:30:21 GMT -5 happyhoix said:

Off topic a bit, but I was watching a British TV show on Netflix called Escape to the Country - mostly retirement age people wanting to move out of the city to a slower paced lifestyle in some beautiful spot in Britain.

I can only recall a single couple mentioning wanting a bedroom on the first floor, and that was a couple with an 80+ year old mom who would be living with them. Some of these couples in their 60s and 70s were buying quaint cottage type houses that required you to shimmy up a narrow set of stairs to the second or even third level to the master bedroom. One house was converted from an old stable (it was gorgeous) but it was all 1 level, and the buyer rejected it immediately for having all the bedrooms on the first floor.

Oh, I know- I've been watching "Escape to the Continent", the other show you mentioned, and these 60-ish people ooh and ah over houses on 3 levels, a swimming pool and massive property with olive trees and manicured gardens. A few are thinking of a B&B or rental income from a separate building. I just want to scream at the TV, "What about weeding? Who'll pick the olives? What about pool maintenance? Will you still be able to climb stairs when you're 80?"

And then you realize why someone is SELLING the place.

Yep that's the other show. Did you see the one where the wife had that fixation about getting a house on a lake? They found that cute cozy place on a smallish lake that I thought was ideal for them (certainly the husband did too) but she fell in love with that monster place with the three story house and some crazy number of individual cottages/yurts. She was hoping that if she bought such a large place her kids would come over and help her run it - but what if the kids said no?  Her poor husband looked like a deer in the headlights imagining cleaning all the rental cottages, keeping up with acres of yardwork and a big lake,  and making breakfast for 40 people every morning.... not what I want to do in retirement!

[happyhoix]

Aug 12, 2018 9:13:11 GMT -5 tractor said:

Aug 12, 2018 3:54:15 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Becoming a burden to your child/children should not be a parents goal.

I don’t think it a goal as much as an expectation. My grand parents died young due to health issues (62, 64), as did their siblings (my dads aunts & uncles). Based on that fact alone, my father figured his life expectancy was 65-70, he was sure he would drop dead of a heart attack. His plan almost worked, until during a doctors visit for a routine checkup, they took him directly to the hospital, with a quadruple bi-pass the next day. He’s now expected to live for many more years. This is supposed to be a good thing right?

Fast forward to now, he’s 75, with no savings, and only a minimal SS check to get by on, remember he was supposed to die young, so why save? He was also self employed, and underreported his income so his taxes wouldn’t be so high. Thus he now gets a very small SS check every month.

He now lives with us, has no $$ to do things, and is well on his way to not only being a financial burden, but a drain on my relationship with my wife as we support him. I do not know what the future holds, but I do know that I will continue to put away every penny I can so I don’t have to depend on my kids when I get old. I’m sure this was never his goal, just the way things have worked out.

Very sorry about that - I know your dad must regret it. Caring for a parent does cause a lot of stress in your marriage. I spent five years driving 6 hours every Saturday to visit my mom for the day in her assisted living facility, which left my DH home alone to do the weekend chores by himself (we both work, so the weekend is when we get stuff done). He really hates to clean the house, but he stuck with it for five years and didn't complain - bless him.

[countrygirl2]

My husband spends every Sunday after lunch taking his mom and aunt for ice cream, I don't want to go. he goes to see her 4 days a week.  I waited for him working away most of our lives and 15 years overseas.  I'm now 72 still waiting to spend time with him.  Never going to happen.  She is 92 with dementia or alzheimers, who knows, I figure she will live to at least 100.  I likely will go before her.  


It's good he takes care of his mom, but I sure feel left out at times.

[hurley1980]

This is such a useful thread for those of us with aging parents!  My mom will be 73 at the end of the month, and other than bad hips (no surgeries yet), she is still going strong.  She travels, drives a lot still, has an active social life, and is generally very healthy. My main issue is that she did not adequately save for retirement and will run out of money probably in the next 5-10 years.  We have decided that we can't live together, but we have discussed converting my detached garage into a studio apt for her.  Or buying a place with a mother in law suite.


All of her care will fall on me, as her an my sister haven't talked in a decade.  I don't mind, but it does make me worry about myself in the future.  I have no husband, no children, and no family really except my sister who I also don't talk to.  So I will be on my own in my old age. Luckily I have plenty of time to plan.

[zibazinski]

Aug 14, 2018 23:24:40 GMT -5 countrygirl2 said:

My husband spends every Sunday after lunch taking his mom and aunt for ice cream, I don't want to go. he goes to see her 4 days a week.  I waited for him working away most of our lives and 15 years overseas.  I'm now 72 still waiting to spend time with him.  Never going to happen.  She is 92 with dementia or alzheimers, who knows, I figure she will live to at least 100.  I likely will go before her.  


It's good he takes care of his mom, but I sure feel left out at times.

At least you have DD

[countrygirl2]

I'm just feeling sorry for myself, I suppose I should feel guilty about an old lady.  I know he does because he had to put her there and he hated to have to do it0. I wasn't going to take care of her and he knew we couldn't take her anyway.  I'm not sure either of us could handle her and DD. both and I sure wasn't going to try.  Sometimes I just let it get to me.  

[countrygirl2]

hurley you aren't alone, if something happens to hubs its me and DD and I'm still caring for her, no one for me either, I pray I keep my mental faculties about me.

If I go he will care for her long as he can.  But there is no one to care for us, not really. Son will 
never live here and so it will be a burden, I'm not sure how we will handle it.  My main concern
is we could suffer when in a nursing home if no family member is in occasionally.  I do not expect
him to be.

I was an only child so did my duty by mom, hubs is now as his brother is dead and he and I both are doing it.  I do all the paperwork and legal stuff, plus buy clothing and needs, he does take her to the doc and do visiting.  Seems like there is more to do in that regard now.

[nittanycheme]

Aug 10, 2018 16:18:23 GMT -5 chapeau said:

nittanycheme something else to think about is putting in a powder room, if there is a space. My grandfather put in a half bath in a literal closet under the stairs when my grandmother couldn’t manage the stairs multiple times a day. It is a very tiny bath, but it’s very handy to have.

My parents had actually looked into that about 10 years when my grandpa (dad's side) and grandmother (mom's side) starter getting frailer and stairs started to get difficult when they would visit.  Unfortunately, they have a house that was built in about 1920, and there is only one small closet on the 1st floor.  The closet is about 2.5' wide (just enough to have molding around a "normal door" and 2.5' deep.  So, not really large enough for a toilet and a small sink.  It's on the corner of the house, with the stairs on the third wall and the door is perpendicular to the front door.  The rest of the 1st floor is the kitchen, dining room and living room, all of which are either too small to cut out spot, or would be architecturally strange (ie, in theory they have some space where the bay window is in the living room....  yuck).  If they really want to, they would need to add on to the back of the house.  There is a sliding glass door that goes out to a deck off the dining room.  They'd have to put it there.  Might be easier to just put a port-a-potty out there on the deck.  Although the deck is only 10' x 10'. 

While my house isn't stairless, it is a split level so there is only 6 stairs at a time.  Hopefully will be more senior friendly. 

[happyhoix]

Aug 15, 2018 20:02:54 GMT -5 nittanycheme said:

Aug 10, 2018 16:18:23 GMT -5 chapeau said:

nittanycheme something else to think about is putting in a powder room, if there is a space. My grandfather put in a half bath in a literal closet under the stairs when my grandmother couldn’t manage the stairs multiple times a day. It is a very tiny bath, but it’s very handy to have.

My parents had actually looked into that about 10 years when my grandpa (dad's side) and grandmother (mom's side) starter getting frailer and stairs started to get difficult when they would visit.  Unfortunately, they have a house that was built in about 1920, and there is only one small closet on the 1st floor.  The closet is about 2.5' wide (just enough to have molding around a "normal door" and 2.5' deep.  So, not really large enough for a toilet and a small sink.  It's on the corner of the house, with the stairs on the third wall and the door is perpendicular to the front door.  The rest of the 1st floor is the kitchen, dining room and living room, all of which are either too small to cut out spot, or would be architecturally strange (ie, in theory they have some space where the bay window is in the living room....  yuck).  If they really want to, they would need to add on to the back of the house.  There is a sliding glass door that goes out to a deck off the dining room.  They'd have to put it there.  Might be easier to just put a port-a-potty out there on the deck.  Although the deck is only 10' x 10'. 

While my house isn't stairless, it is a split level so there is only 6 stairs at a time.  Hopefully will be more senior friendly. 

My mom bought a split level house for their 'retirement' house. The short sets of stairs weren't too much of an issue, but to get the groceries from the garage into the kitchen, you had to bring them into the bottom level, go up six steps to the front door, then up another six steps to the main floor where the kitchen is, and that got to be a problem for her, as she aged.

I had hoped she'd get a plain small ranch house on a small lot for her retirement but she insisted she needed a four bedroom with formal living and dining room - even though she had no kids living with her anymore. Not sure why she thought she had to have 3 guest rooms, but she did.