Aging Parent Support Thread

[TheOtherMe]

I would be concerned about the medical care.  

It doesn't matter what the nursing home thinks of you.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I finally got actual answers.  The paperwork the nursing home gave me trumps POA.   Okay that makes things make sense. 

I am tired of people acting annoyed with me that I don't understand any of this.  Why the fuck would I?  It's not like I sit at home doing light reading on conservatorship and guardianship vs Power of attorney.

It's not like this person or the home bothered to tell her family any of this or any of the involved parties so they could tell me it was revoked before I stuck my nose into it.

I've been trying to do right by my grandmother.  It is pissing me off that people are treating me like I am pest or an idiot who doesn't know my place.

So I am officially done done.  I am not going out of my way to help anyone or ask anymore questions.  I am at peace with the decision now.

I told my dad that it is the attitude people are taking with me that hurts the most.  I have busted my ass to take care of things for my grandma.  Part of my horrid review score is because I was not keeping up on work while running all over and making phone calls to get her shit in order.   Not to mention I am so beyond burned out taht I have to be on anti-depressants or I am dead inside.  There is also the massive amount of stress I put on my marriage as I was struggling to manage my emotions during it all.

Oh and let's not forget either I had to delay grieving the death of my own mother because my grandma's shit took over my life for almost two years.

I did all of that only for them to come in and say "Thanks bye!"  It's insulting because they forced me to take on all the hard work and shit that if I fucked it up could have gotten arrested or her kicked out of the home. Threatened to charge me with elder abuse because I wasn't selling her home fast enough to suit them, emailed me constantly harassing me about doing my family duty and only after that was done did the march in and take over.

And I am so mad at grandma I could spit nails.  She really done fucked around and found out didn't she?  The absolute #1 thing she didn't want to ever happen, having strangers in her business, is happening because she could not give up control and refused to have a back up plan besides making her son care for her out in Treynor.

We have no say in anything now.  I hope being a stubborn old bat was worth it.  Course now she likely doesn't even remember doing all that and getting herself into this mess.  Which I suppose is a blessing for her.  We are the ones that have to live with it.

[bookkeeper]

We have a signed purchase agreement on Mom's house and 8 acre yard.  Buyer put $50,000 down and wants to close by November 15.  I hope this one goes through, my brother can't take any more drama in regards to this house.

It is very bittersweet for my brother.  Other than Mom, he is the one who has been on that yard the longest.  He was old enough to remember building the house and the outbuildings.  Selling the property will mean that he can retire from farm maintenance and concentrate on his own life more.

[lurkyloo]

Managed to get her PCP changed, which involved calling her insurance, explaining what was needed, getting things set up for the change then conferencing her in to give verbal consent.  With bonus swing state political propaganda in the background since she was watching TV and didn’t turn it off or down.  Also first calling the scheduler at PCP to confirm what I needed to do and availability of proposed new PCP. That was the last big to do thing on my list    Off now, apart from occasional doordash orders, until the fight about geriatric care manager assessment in November.

[lurkyloo]

…getting her pcp fixed, and honoring her request for me to email a list of upcoming appointments, led to a snippy email about she didn’t see why she couldn’t make her own appointments    followed the next day by a request to help acquire more disposable underwear since she was on her last pair (she turned down an offer a couple of weeks ago to order more).  Can’t even.  All out of even.

[TheOtherMe]

Dad called my sister one evening to say he had just used the last piece of toilet paper.

The day before I had him at the grocery store and asked if he needed toilet paper.  He assured me he did not.  After that I made sure he bought toilet paper periodically.  

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I am starting to feel like "do you need/have toilet paper?" should be added to the dementia test because my grandma did the exact same thing.  He would go over there and find she was using paper towels again.

He was making sure she was stocked and she lived alone.  He never could figure out where all the TP was going.

[TheOtherMe]

Dad started wanting to buy one roll of toilet paper at a time.  He still had some reasoning abilities left at that point, so I got out my phone and showed him the cost of a single roll of toilet paper vs. buying it in bigger packages.  

He would say the bigger packages will last forever.  That was when DN3 was in college living in an apartment and had not much money.  I would tell him that we will give all the extra toilet paper to DN3.  

As it turned out, he probably did have toilet paper when he called my sister because stuff was found where it was not normally kept.  All of the toilet paper went to DN3.  He was told I had promised his grandpa that is who got the toilet paper.

[lurkyloo]

Smoothed over a snippy email after OB scheduled a PCP appointment such that he could take her to it, only for her to email that she didn’t see why she needed the aides and whether she should call to terminate or I should.

I wasn’t very nice in my reply.  I told her the POA is the only thing standing between her and guardianship and if she fired the aides I would step down, walk away and call APS.  Leaving OB as her only shield and both of them with some ‘splainin to do.

[teen persuasion]

Joining the thread to rapidly get up to speed on everything eldercare!

DH's dad is suddenly ready to go to assisted living, he doesn't want to go back home, doesn't think he can manage on his own. Which sounds great, given everything I've just read about everyone's challenges in this thread. 

But it's out of the blue, we had no idea he was thinking this way yet. He's always been fiercely independent. And he's in FL while we are in NY.

So DH is down there trying to madly get things in place for FIL. DH had someone helping him select from various places, they thought FIL could afford a nice place DH toured, but they suddenly realized FIL wasn't eligible for VA aid and assistance because he served one year too late to be considered in Korea, and one year too early to be Vietnam.   The place reworked the bill, switched him to a double room to reduce the cost. Now DH is working on getting FIL's furniture moved over. Next is figuring out selling the house and car, and clearing out things FIL wants us to have, and transporting it back to NY, or to SIL. 

Things all snowballed after FIL went into the hospital for something wrong with his arm, still not quite sure about that. While there they found his hemoglobin low, and he needed a transfusion. Next, tests looking for a GI bleed as cause of low hemoglobin, and the colonoscopy showed colon cancer. So surgery for that next. Took much longer to get pathology on that - apparently no cancer! So now they are ready to discharge him...

We are concerned about costs. The reworked bill is all of his monthly income, essentially. I don't think he has any savings to speak of (his RMD is $360, included in that bill). So he will have just whatever clears from selling his house (maybe $150k), car is only worth $3k. The bill actually sounds too good to be true, ~$3k/month, based on numbers you guys are throwing out. Ok, its ALF for now, but what about when he needs to move up to SNF or whatever? Not sure how long his money lasts. It's also going to be hard to check in on him in FL with no family there.

[giramomma]

Did you fil just get spooked about his mortality? I even though I am.fine, I had a panic attack in my oncologists office when I had my yearly check up. 

If this all was a sudden change for him, I'd probably slow the train down a little bit. Especially if he really can.manage with a little support. House cleaners are cheaper than a facility. 

My concern first and foremost would not be money. I'd be worried about the decline that will happen. It's one of the reasons I'm not pushing mom to move to an apartment where she just exists. Because she sill become less mobile and more isolated and have no purpose.  I know paying bills in cash isn't much of a purpose for most of us. But it is for her. 

We had 18-24 months of covid lockdown. My in-laws went from regularly exercising three or four days a week to.shuffling when walking. 

Like I'm ok with going to senior housing with a buy in where you start independent and then end in memory or hospice. The one near us also has concerts- with an actual recital hall that holds 200 and a chamber group in residence, lectures, a room with several floor looms. In short, there's no way im going to.be holed up in a room because of who I am and too much to do. 

[jerseygirl]

Teen persuasion why does FIL want to stay in Florida? Weather? Friends? But no family
Having him so far away will be difficult for you. Maybe if you tell him how difficult he will change to move closer
Very difficult when he’s hospitalized then comes out to a rehab. My mom and disabled sister were in a senior complex in southern NJ. Even though in same small state it was problematic for me
I found them a nice no stairs condo near stores and in next town. I could easily visit and especially when they were in hospital and then rehab I could visit every day and speak to medical people
Much less stress on me and they felt better knowing I was close by for emergencies. Some in middle of night

[TheOtherMe]

Even in rural Iowa, you can't get assisted living for $3,000 per month.  That may be the base price, but there are all kinds of add ons that greatly increase the bill.

My cousin found out the hard way on that.  She treated it as a hotel and was calling the front desk to do anything and everything for her.  She didn't know she was getting charged in 15 minute increments for doing that.

If he hadn't talked about this previously, I would be concerned about why he is thinking this now.

Getting a house cleaner, etc. is much easier and cheaper than suddenly going to assisted living.  An apartment in a senior complex would probably be cheaper.  

My uncle went to assisted living with his wife.  When she died, he went to an apartment in senior living because he didn't need to be in assisted living.  She definitely did and she wanted him to be with her.

[teen persuasion]

FIL is recently (maybe last two years?) out of a very long term relationship. She glommed onto him within a week of him being widowed in 1995. He always kept his own place to bolt to when they had spats, but he followed her around from SC to Tennessee to eventually FL (where he claimed he never wanted to live). Well, he finally decided their last spat/split was final, and he wasn't going back. Good for him!

But then he was alone. He had military buddies, and travelled a bit for reunions here & there. Once we saw that he was serious about never again with A (held out 6 months), DH flew down a year ago to visit him, see how he was. He was ok and independent, but eating all his meals out w/o someone to cook for him. So his diet was crappy. 

A few months later he was in the hospital with a painful leg infection, had some arthroscopic surgery to clean it out, spent time in rehab afterwards. When he went home, he couldn't drive immediately, so felt a bit trapped. We set up and paid for meals on wheels for him, to make sure he had someone checking on him and bringing at least one hot meal a day. His community had services checking on him, a lady would go get him groceries, etc. So it was a bit challenging for him initially, but soon he was driving again and seemed ok. Needed compression stockings for his legs after the infection.

DH tries to talk with him daily to keep on top of how he's doing. DH was already planning another trip to visit, but before he got there this latest hospital stay happened. FIL was talking about wanting to move to ALF before he entered the hospital. Whatever is going on with his arm (because that's what prompted him to get a buddy to take him to the hospital) was making it difficult to do things. He was not happy to have to ask the buddy to shave him because he couldn't do it himself. I also think he's lonely. This fiercely independent man is suddenly tired of trying to take care of himself on his own - that change is what surprised me.

The colon cancer diagnosis was completely out of left field. His first reaction was, I don't want treatment. Then we heard he was having surgery for it, and DH made sure that was what he wanted. No idea how advanced anything was. Surgery went well, we had to wait to see what pathology said. DH flew down a bit after, and he's been working to find FIL a place. We just learned that apparently there was no cancer, so no further treatment there, just recovering from surgery. FIL does not want to go home, period.

We talked about moving him here. He doesn't think he could take the cold anymore. I'm not sure how any of his benefits would transfer to here, Medicare plans, state benefits, if he could find a place here, it's more big changes. Also not sure about physically transporting him in his current condition. It's not ideal, all the way around. DH's sister is in MD, so they aren't much closer, either.

[teen persuasion]

DH said FIL's legs are very swollen; he's normally tall and lanky. So there's still something going on with his legs. I haven't heard anything about the arm trouble that precipitated this hospital stay, but he couldn't shave himself (or likely get those compression stockings on properly). He mentioned to DH that his he didn't think he'd pass the vision test to renew his license, so no more driving.

I'm sure all of those things were probably contributing to his desire to go to ALF.

Now that DH is with him, he sees a bit of confusion at times. My parents live about an hour away, we see them maybe monthly. We've been watching my dad get more confused, too. His walking is slowing down, he shuffles. Mom has been getting him PT regularly, trying to slow the decline, but it is there. But mom has a good bit of help - one of my brothers lives a block away, and my sister is 10 minutes away. They and/or their kids drive them around as needed, take dad to PT, drop off groceries, stay with dad if mom goes out, etc.

[teen persuasion]

DH says FIL is improving, physically at least. But we suspect he's somewhat depressed. DH talked with FIL's brother a bit, to see what he thought - the brothers have also been phoning daily. Uncle agreed.

It's too bad we couldn't get them together up here - uncle is still in his home in the burbs of the city they all grew up in (where two of our kids now live, and maybe 60 miles from us).

Uncle is a saint - he's alone now, but his wife's daughter from a previous marriage had been disabled very young in a bad car accident. That dad/DH couldn't deal with it and left. Uncle married the mom and took on the lifetime challenge of a disabled child, she was his angel. They never had any other kids. His wife died years ago, and he still kept his angel at home and cared for her himself even as her health became more challenging with age. I remember they held a huge celebration for her 50th birthday, the wedding reception she'd never have. 

ETA That can't be right. That party was decades ago, our kids were young. FIL is turning 86, he's the eldest, then a sister, and uncle is the baby, probably 80ish. His wife was significantly older than him, but still...

[TheOtherMe]

The uncle is a saint.  He loved both his wife and angel very much.

[bookkeeper]

The sale of Mom's house closed yesterday.  My brother sounded much lighter on the phone today.  It is a huge responsibility that has been lifted.  I wish the new owners many happy years there.

[busymom]

Nov 3, 2024 19:47:20 GMT -5 teen persuasion said:

DH says FIL is improving, physically at least. But we suspect he's somewhat depressed. DH talked with FIL's brother a bit, to see what he thought - the brothers have also been phoning daily. Uncle agreed.

It's too bad we couldn't get them together up here - uncle is still in his home in the burbs of the city they all grew up in (where two of our kids now live, and maybe 60 miles from us).

Uncle is a saint - he's alone now, but his wife's daughter from a previous marriage had been disabled very young in a bad car accident. That dad/DH couldn't deal with it and left. Uncle married the mom and took on the lifetime challenge of a disabled child, she was his angel. They never had any other kids. His wife died years ago, and he still kept his angel at home and cared for her himself even as her health became more challenging with age. I remember they held a huge celebration for her 50th birthday, the wedding reception she'd never have. 

ETA That can't be right. That party was decades ago, our kids were young. FIL is turning 86, he's the eldest, then a sister, and uncle is the baby, probably 80ish. His wife was significantly older than him, but still...

     My Dad used to call men like that a "man's man".  Guys who take responsibility for things that were not their own problem or other people that were not their own flesh & blood.  He IS a saint.