Tween girls

[azucena]

Don't want to derail the mom thread and figuring I will probably need ongoing advice and support.  DD is turning 10 in a few weeks.  Here are my current questions/dilemmas in no particular order:

1. makeup - DD has vaguely asked about using it.  I don't wear much myself; my mom wore none.  I'm ambivalent about it and wonder if I would be more proficient had someone taught me or I had watched someone.  Contemplating getting DD a starter set of eye shadows for her bday with the caveat that they are for at home use only, no exceptions, taken away if not.  Would be a more "grown-up" present - we limit media and that's been a big source of conflict again lately, so this is a different way to recognize that she is growing up.

2. We've gone thru the American girl body book for younger girls and it was a great way to start the puberty conversations last summer.  Wondering if anyone has read the boy version.  She's asking about how boys change and I think this would be a good lead in to $e-x.

3.  Birds and the bees conversation is on the near horizon.  Any book recommendations?

4. more mature books - DD is an avid reader and starting to venture into the teen section of the library.  Thoughts on how to steer her to more mature yet still age appropriate books.

Like I said, I'm sure there will be more to come.

[Wisconsin Beth]

My dd turned 10 in May. She's not into makeup at all. Neither am I though.

Books, she likes fantasy. She's reading the Percy Jackson series and expressing interest in Nancy Drew as well. In boredom, she asked to read my Nora Roberts and I told her she was too young.

She enjoys watching the women on American Ninja Warrior. She likes the ninja gym we joined but prefers to just play on the equipment verses taking the kid ninja class.

Bras, she's resistant to them. She needs to be measured.

My son is 18 months younger than her, so she still gets to watch kid tv without asking for it. Lol.

[swamp]

DD is 10.   She loves makeup.  I don't wear it.   She has her own and and wear whatever she wants at home.  She youtubes "how to" videos on how to apply it. 

I gave DD and DS books. They've read each others.  

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Mine is 8 and is way into make-up.  I give her whatever I don't want.  We've had some talks about applying it because sometimes  she ends up looking like Tammy Fae Baker.   I told her if I can tell from 10 feet away she's wearing make-up she's got too much on.  Also I don't want to see make--up all over clothes and furniture, if you can't keep to your face I'm taking it away.

I don't care if she wears it in public.   DH disagrees so we're at a standstill over that at the moment.

I am a pretty avid reader and I am not super into limiting what she can read.   I'm not going to be handing her 50 Shades of Grey at her age but for the most part if she can read it she's welcome to try it.

I love YA so I'd recommend: every single series Rick Riordan has written to date, the Dorothy Must Die series,  A Serpent's Secret (Krinmala and the Kingdom Beyond Book #1).  Nancy Drew.   Sisters Grimm.

I know a lot of girls who liked Twilight.   I can't stand it.

I read a lot of Goosebumps.  I read a lot of Christopher Pike who wrote more teen centered Goosebumps type books.

Sadly most of the books I read as a tween are now out of print.  I  got all excited yesterday because somehow a random Sweet Valley Twins book ended up on the free book table at summer care.   I grabbed it and I'm trying to make Gwen read it.

Birds and the bees wise I've already had a basic overview of it with her when I was pregnant with her sister.  DH was pissed with me because he thinks that's too young.  I guess I could have just had her watch the opening credits of Look Who's Talking instead.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Jul 12, 2018 14:45:07 GMT -5 azucena said:

Formatting was ridiculous. Reposted. 

[saveinla]

I don't know about the books. I read a lot of not appropriate books when I was young  and did not understand some of them at that time, but have turned out mostly fine .
I just wanted something to read at all times.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I just listed the YA stuff I've read and most of that is recently.  We'd be here all day if I listed the adult books I read at that age.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Jul 12, 2018 15:30:51 GMT -5 saveinla said:

I don't know about the books. I read a lot of not appropriate books when I was young  and did not understand some of them at that time, but have turned out mostly fine I just wanted something to read at all times.

me too.

My dd doesn't do mummies, zombies, etc. So horror is out for her.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Jul 12, 2018 15:33:40 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

I just listed the YA stuff I've read and most of that is recently.  We'd be here all day if I listed the adult books I read at that age.

I started on Barbara Cartland romances at 10. Then moved on to trashier ones as I got older.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I read a lot of Harlequin romances at that age.  I can't say that they warped my ideas of relationships or anything like that as some people claim they do.  I was smart enough to know it was freaking fiction.

If you're not sure read the book yourself.  My mom and I used to trade off books all the time.  It was a way for her to keep tabs on what I was reading and it gave us something to talk about.   We still trade books from time to time.

[alabamagal]

I don’t really do makeup, but DD figured out herself. Never really had any issues with her.

Bras were more of an issue because she must have inherited the boob gene from DHs side of the family. But at least she developed slowly because she was 18 or so before she got into the very large cup sizes. Thankfully didn’t have to deal with a 10 year old and D cup sizes.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Mine wants a bra.  I've tried to explain to her she doesn't have anything to put in it and unfortunately if she takes after her mother she's never going to.

DH is against it but I am considering buying her a bralette for Christmas.   They have some in the girls' section at Target.  It'd basically be like wearing a cami under her shirts but would give her the satisfaction of owing "a bra".

Wait till she turns 12, that's when I started shaving my legs after being regularly tormented in PE about it.  I plan on letting her do the same.

Poor DH, boys would have been so much easier for him.

[Deleted]

DD is about to turn 16, so we are past the tween stage.  We are pretty easy going.

Makeup- She didn't ask for makeup until she was 12.  She was obsessed with mascara for some reason.  She watched youtube to learn how to apply makeup and still doesn't wear much.

Birds and Bees-we didn't do anything special for this and the school was always way ahead of any schedule, I would have had.

Books- She went from Harry Potter to things like The Hunger Games/Immortal Instruments.  When she got to High School, she was assigned so much reading, that reading additional books fell off.  

Clothes- You didn't ask, but this has been the biggest point of contention.  Generally things being too short.  We aren't crazy prudish, but do require shorts and skirts to not show cheek.  

[Pants]

Jul 12, 2018 14:45:07 GMT -5 azucena said:

Don't want to derail the mom thread and figuring I will probably need ongoing advice and support.  DD is turning 10 in a few weeks.  Here are my current questions/dilemmas in no particular order:

1. makeup - DD has vaguely asked about using it.  I don't wear much myself; my mom wore none.  I'm ambivalent about it and wonder if I would be more proficient had someone taught me or I had watched someone.  Contemplating getting DD a starter set of eye shadows for her bday with the caveat that they are for at home use only, no exceptions, taken away if not.  Would be a more "grown-up" present - we limit media and that's been a big source of conflict again lately, so this is a different way to recognize that she is growing up.

2. We've gone thru the American girl body book for younger girls and it was a great way to start the puberty conversations last summer.  Wondering if anyone has read the boy version.  She's asking about how boys change and I think this would be a good lead in to $e-x.

3.  Birds and the bees conversation is on the near horizon.  Any book recommendations?

4. more mature books - DD is an avid reader and starting to venture into the teen section of the library.  Thoughts on how to steer her to more mature yet still age appropriate books.

Like I said, I'm sure there will be more to come.

You could take her to a sephora for a mini-makeover and then buy her a few of the products they use. The sephora person will also help guide her as to what's reasonable and what's... too much. 

As to the sex conversations, all I can say is I recommend just having those conversations frequently. Don't make it A TALK. Rip off the bandaid. Talk about it a lot. 

[azucena]

Exactly the conversations and insights I was looking for. Way to go ladies!

Good to hear that it wouldn't be out of line for her to start dabbling in makeup as I kept hearing an inner voice say she's too young. I was/am a total tom boy so didn't have interest then and don't have it now lol. Sephora is a good idea although the few times I've gone in myself the sales clerks look unnatural. Specific youtube videos for eye shadow? that's where she asked to start.

She started wearing a bra last summer just before turning 9. Didn't really need one, but she asked and wasn't embarrassed about shopping. She would have needed them by Christmas so it was nice to get the adjustment phase in over the summer with less pressure.

Books - she wants mysterious but not scary. No bad words, no emphasis on guy/girl relationship. A wrinkle in time is about as Sci fi as she's liked so far. She reads at a post hs level and can finish a 150 page book in a couple of hours. She picks ten/week from the library and is usually done a day or two early and begging to go again. Her big preference is graphic novels but she speeds thru them super fast.

My husband and I have conservative christian views and beliefs so that plays into guided screen time and keeping an eye on more advanced books. Can't/won't shield her forever but hopefully can for a while yet.

Also comes into the talks we are having about the bees. We are being very open and answering what she asks. I brought up the topic over spring break and she shut down so I said I'd ask again in a few months if she didn't bring it again first. My parents never talked about anything grown up so I'm purposely trying to do much better.

[azucena]

Drama - those target bralettes are exactly what we started with and Christmas break would be another good adjustment time. I said she couldn't wear them to school until I was no longer seeing her pull on it so much. Have her wear a white shirt when you go so she can figure out for herself that all the pretty colorful ones are more complicated to wear on a daily basis esp if you're not used to checking in the mirror to see what other people see.

We are just sizing out of the kids clothes and running into modesty conversations. So far we are mostly on the same page. Just realized that we've graduated from justice and trying to figure out next stores. In uniforms for school, so that helps some.

[azucena]

Part of the shielding has to do with maintaining that blessed childhood innocent for as long as possible.

On other hand, I've been very upfront with ongoing conversations (including yesterday) about molestation etc - why can't I come up with the right term. Anyway, it's a balance.

[Pants]

Jul 12, 2018 16:44:28 GMT -5 azucena said:

Exactly the conversations and insights I was looking for. Way to go ladies!

Good to hear that it wouldn't be out of line for her to start dabbling in makeup as I kept hearing an inner voice say she's too young. I was/am a total tom boy so didn't have interest then and don't have it now lol. Sephora is a good idea although the few times I've gone in myself the sales clerks look unnatural. Specific youtube videos for eye shadow? that's where she asked to start.

She started wearing a bra last summer just before turning 9. Didn't really need one, but she asked and wasn't embarrassed about shopping. She would have needed them by Christmas so it was nice to get the adjustment phase in over the summer with less pressure.

Books - she wants mysterious but not scary. No bad words, no emphasis on guy/girl relationship. A wrinkle in time is about as Sci fi as she's liked so far. She reads at a post hs level and can finish a 150 page book in a couple of hours. She picks ten/week from the library and is usually done a day or two early and begging to go again. Her big preference is graphic novels but she speeds thru them super fast.

My husband and I have conservative christian views and beliefs so that plays into guided screen time and keeping an eye on more advanced books. Can't/won't shield her forever but hopefully can for a while yet.

Also comes into the talks we are having about the bees. We are being very open and answering what she asks. I brought up the topic over spring break and she shut down so I said I'd ask again in a few months if she didn't bring it again first. My parents never talked about anything grown up so I'm purposely trying to do much better.

I know you guys are way more conservative than I am. For sephora, yes the make up artists have full faces, but they aren't gonna go that for a kid unless you tell them it's for like pageants. You can and should ask for what you're looking for! 

ETA: For example, if you go in and say "I don't wear makeup, but my daughter is interested in how to apply eyeshadow, nothing too over the top." They will understand. 

I agree on the YouTube videos too. It's how I've learned some makeup stuff as well. I would just google something like "makeup videos for tweens" and see what pops up. 

[Tennesseer]

Jul 12, 2018 15:55:56 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Mine wants a bra.  I've tried to explain to her she doesn't have anything to put in it and unfortunately if she takes after her mother she's never going to.

DH is against it but I am considering buying her a bralette for Christmas.   They have some in the girls' section at Target.  It'd basically be like wearing a cami under her shirts but would give her the satisfaction of owing "a bra".

Wait till she turns 12, that's when I started shaving my legs after being regularly tormented in PE about it.  I plan on letting her do the same.

Poor DH, boys would have been so much easier for him.

But not so much for the moms.

[geenamercile]

ODD is will be 11 in September and I am starting to think the tween years are going to be worst then the 2s and 3s.     ODD isn't interested in make up but if she was we would be cool with it as long as she does it correctly.  I would let SIL and CIL handle that.  Books now there are whole sections for the tweens, ask a librarian, or even send an email to your schools librarian.  Sex we have talked about it, but she isn't even interested in boys yet, so besides a friend sending her a picture of a mummified penis and her saying it was weird I think we are in the okay there.   

Bras... Oh my god bras....  Now that has been a saga in her house.  For awhile I was able to just pick up the braletts or sport bras and give them to her.  But she really needs to be measured and is so fighting it.  

[azucena]

Green - I saw your other posts about fighting it. Is she embarrassed? In denial about developing? Has she shared any of her feelings? Could you send her shopping with someone else?

Just remembered another topic...I had no idea that I'd have to force dd to shower every day. I thought that was a boy thing. I grew up with 4 siblings in a one bathroom house with a bathtub only. No shower. I would have killed to shower every day. We seriously had to schedule bath time and it wasn't every day until I was 14.

[Shooby]

DD is 16 now.  But, around that time she wanted a training bra.  Which seemed silly to me but the other girls were wearing them. So, that seemed like a good opportunity to teach her about some things so I took her and got her some cute training bras and she did wear them.  For makeup, she never really was that interested in it.  Once she started going to the formal dances in 7th grade, then she became interested in hair and makeup.  And, she was around 13 then so other friends taught her and she has learned some from my son's older girlfriends.
    

[geenamercile]

I think part of the bra thing is denial.  She has said that she doesn't want to grow up, just want them to go away.  She is more developed in that area then many other girls.  We have tried setting up a fun girls day with A and her daughter (who is 16) where we all get measured.  She refused to go.  A's daughter even talked to her about hoe much she needs/wants is done to try and help her back.  ODD is complaining about her back hurting too.  We also have talked about just measuring at home and ordering, she swears she doesn't need too.  

[Pants]

Jul 12, 2018 18:37:38 GMT -5 geenamercile said:

I think part of the bra thing is denial.  She has said that she doesn't want to grow up, just want them to go away.  She is more developed in that area then many other girls.  We have tried setting up a fun girls day with A and her daughter (who is 16) where we all get measured.  She refused to go.  A's daughter even talked to her about hoe much she needs/wants is done to try and help her back.  ODD is complaining about her back hurting too.  We also have talked about just measuring at home and ordering, she swears she doesn't need too.  

Why not just get her more supportive sports bras then? 

Look, I'm not you, and my girls are too young for this, so I can't say for sure what will happen when they are old enough. But it seems right now that you and your ODD are butting heads on a number of fronts, and this is one of them. At the end of the day, she's old enough to decide what she will and won't do with her body in this regard. And even if you do manage to get her measured, you can't MAKE her wear a bra. She can take it off when she gets to school, she can refuse to leave her room (sounds like this is already a problem), she holds the power, ultimately. This seems like a power struggle that is making everyone miserable and will ultimately result in you losing. 

Kids do stupid things when it comes to this stuff. This stuff is hard. But she needs to accept her body, ultimately, on her own terms. I know you look at her and think "My god that child needs a bra." I know every time she complains about her back, you think "Well if you'd just wear a proper bra that wouldn't hurt so much." But that's not going to get her to accept reality any faster. (Also, for the record, bras never did shit but make my back hurt worse.) 

Her breaths aren't going to "just go away", no matter how much she wishes it. But a good sports bra could help her get support while also minimizing her breasts, if that's what she wants. It avoids the horror and embarrassment of having a stranger measure you. And you can order several in clothing sizes and see what works. 

Im sorry you're dealing with this, and I hope you understand that I offer this advice in a positive way? I'm just trying to say that there are other ways that can maybe minimize the power struggle here and let your daughter develop her comfort levels on a bit more of her own timeline. I had a very adversarial relationship with my mom in my teen years, and part of it was her insistence that I look/dress in certain ways, running headlong into my own damn stubbornness. It was a bad mix, and in retrospect it cost both of us a lot. 

[azucena]

I think I've also heard a friend say that her dd wore two sports bras at once for extra support.

[geenamercile]

She wears the bras.  And she is perfectly okay with me buying them for her and wearing them.  The issue is I need to know what freaking size to buy.  What I am not going to do is buy 6 bras different sizes and hope that one fits her the right way so her back doesn't hurt.  My friend who is better at guessing sizes then me say she is most likely a c or d....  I would love for her to try on different styles for support but I know that isn't going to happen.  

[Pants]

cool, good luck then.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Sephora employees basically have to be walking advertisments for the products so that's why they look so made up all the time.

They do know their products and have a nifty app that can help you match lipstick blush and foundation to your skin tone.

I had them help me with foundation and I've been thrilled with the results. Trying to DIY at the drugstore wasn't cutting it.

If you don't want to go there look for E.L.F. products. Target and Walmart carry them. It's all super cheap and makes for great starter make up.

[Pants]

Jul 12, 2018 21:15:40 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Sephora employees basically have to be walking advertisments for the products so that's why they look so made up all the time.

They do know their products and have a nifty app that can help you match lipstick blush and foundation to your skin tone.

I had them help me with foundation and I've been thrilled with the results. Trying to DIY at the drugstore wasn't cutting it.

If you don't want to go there look for E.L.F. products. Target and Walmart carry them. It's all super cheap and makes for great starter make up.

Ooh, good call on the ELF. NYX also has very good makeup for the price, and I've heard great things about Milani as well, though can't vouch personally.

[Pants]

Also, just remembered a great make up artist I watched a while ago: Lisa Eldridge. More natural side of things, and she has her own site, so if you're wary about releasing your DD into the wilds of YouTube, it could be a good place to start. She does makeup for lots of movie stars.

Ive never heard her swear or say anything even vaguely inappropriate.