Tween girls

[thyme4change]

Jul 16, 2018 16:04:31 GMT -5 bean29 said:

OK ladies, I am reaching out for your help. I am going to offer to take my niece shopping for a dress for an upcoming family wedding. I think my DS is very cash strapped, and we don't think her DH is much help. Her DD was just 13 in May, and she did shop at Justice, but she may have outgrown that store. It is another niece, (so her Cousin) that is the bride. The minister is Seventh Day Adventist - our family is Catholic. I am just figuring on a summer dress. My neice is Chubby. She is Maybe 5'4 and she is larger than me - I am 5'2 and would wear anywhere from an 8-12. What stores should I head too to find a dress for a Young Teenager?

ETA:  I am not a Plus Size, but my niece probably is.  If we find something in a Juniors Department she probably will fit in the larger sizes like 14/16? but I really am not sure.

There are a lot of cheap stores for teenagers. My daughter has a good friend that is quite heavy. She can wear the biggest size in Forever 21 and sometimes H&M. There is another one that she can often find stuff, but I can't recall the name of it. The dresses in those places are like $20.

[azucena]

A boy at bball camp called DD fat yesterday, and she was devastated.  Truthfully she has maybe 5 lbs of extra weight, but she's mid-never-ending growth spurt and beginning puberty.  She's never been a fast runner, and she's sort of gangly right now, all limbs so she doesn't run up and down the court very well nor is she naturally athletic.  I asked if she was taller than him and she yes by 2-3 inches so I said make sure she stuffs the ball in his face.  She wasn't amused.

A couple of times this year, an older childless aunt of mine who we are very close to has commented directly to DD about her weight.  I actually spoke to the aunt before the first time to kindly clue her in to the puberty issues and she seemed to get it.  Nope, comments were made anyway.  I spoke to her again and we limited contact.  Just a few weeks ago, it happened again.  I've yet to speak to aunt about it because I'm going to have to be mean for her to get it.  She's always been a blunt says what she thinks person and now she's mid-70s so has that whole aging, no-filter thing happening.  Plus, she's convinced that she herself is fat which isn't even remotely true and always makes demeaning comments about herself and others.

Wish I could get DD to speak up for herself a bit more.  Not sure how else to help her other than to listen.  I'm worried that weight will become an issue and turn into eating disorder, etc.

[Pants]

Jul 17, 2018 13:19:44 GMT -5 azucena said:

A boy at bball camp called DD fat yesterday, and she was devastated.  Truthfully she has maybe 5 lbs of extra weight, but she's mid-never-ending growth spurt and beginning puberty.  She's never been a fast runner, and she's sort of gangly right now, all limbs so she doesn't run up and down the court very well nor is she naturally athletic.  I asked if she was taller than him and she yes by 2-3 inches so I said make sure she stuffs the ball in his face.  She wasn't amused.

A couple of times this year, an older childless aunt of mine who we are very close to has commented directly to DD about her weight.  I actually spoke to the aunt before the first time to kindly clue her in to the puberty issues and she seemed to get it.  Nope, comments were made anyway.  I spoke to her again and we limited contact.  Just a few weeks ago, it happened again.  I've yet to speak to aunt about it because I'm going to have to be mean for her to get it.  She's always been a blunt says what she thinks person and now she's mid-70s so has that whole aging, no-filter thing happening.  Plus, she's convinced that she herself is fat which isn't even remotely true and always makes demeaning comments about herself and others.

Wish I could get DD to speak up for herself a bit more.  Not sure how else to help her other than to listen.  I'm worried that weight will become an issue and turn into eating disorder, etc.

There is zero reason your aunt should be commenting on your daughter's body unless it's something like "Wow, you run fast!" 

Zero. You need to step to your aunt and make sure she understands that. 

As far as the other kid... Well, I don't know what to do. I haven't had to figure out how to handle this stuff yet. But yeah, my response is likely to be along the lines of yours. 

[azucena]

I totally agree and am willing to break the relationship over it.  Just heartbreaking that aunt could be so stupid twice.  I told DD that and will stick up for her always and we have agreed that she won't be alone with the aunt.

I spoke to another aunt (her sister) to see if she was hearing any of this because I know they talk every day.  She was appalled and will listen for it and shut it down if the subject even comes close.  She affirmed that aunt is clueless and agreed that's not an excuse.

[thyme4change]

Jul 17, 2018 13:19:44 GMT -5 azucena said:

A boy at bball camp called DD fat yesterday, and she was devastated.  Truthfully she has maybe 5 lbs of extra weight, but she's mid-never-ending growth spurt and beginning puberty.  She's never been a fast runner, and she's sort of gangly right now, all limbs so she doesn't run up and down the court very well nor is she naturally athletic.  I asked if she was taller than him and she yes by 2-3 inches so I said make sure she stuffs the ball in his face.  She wasn't amused.

A couple of times this year, an older childless aunt of mine who we are very close to has commented directly to DD about her weight.  I actually spoke to the aunt before the first time to kindly clue her in to the puberty issues and she seemed to get it.  Nope, comments were made anyway.  I spoke to her again and we limited contact.  Just a few weeks ago, it happened again.  I've yet to speak to aunt about it because I'm going to have to be mean for her to get it.  She's always been a blunt says what she thinks person and now she's mid-70s so has that whole aging, no-filter thing happening.  Plus, she's convinced that she herself is fat which isn't even remotely true and always makes demeaning comments about herself and others.

Wish I could get DD to speak up for herself a bit more.  Not sure how else to help her other than to listen.  I'm worried that weight will become an issue and turn into eating disorder, etc.

People can be such judgemental assholes.**


**And I get to judge what is considered "asshole behavior." It is okay when I do it. 😏

[Pants]

Jul 17, 2018 14:24:46 GMT -5 azucena said:

I totally agree and am willing to break the relationship over it.  Just heartbreaking that aunt could be so stupid twice.  I told DD that and will stick up for her always and we have agreed that she won't be alone with the aunt.

I spoke to another aunt (her sister) to see if she was hearing any of this because I know they talk every day.  She was appalled and will listen for it and shut it down if the subject even comes close.  She affirmed that aunt is clueless and agreed that's not an excuse.

BTW, I realized what I'm going to teach my girls to do. If someone calls them fat/ugly/whatever, they should say "Well, I might be *whatever* but at least I'm not an asshole."

I understand this may not be the right path for everyone tho.

[bean29]

I don’t know what the correct response to fat shamers is, my sister and I probably started dieting at 13 and we never slipped into eating disorders or unhealthy habits. My sis is very overweight now, but was only mildly overweight as a teen.

I wish she would go on a diet b/c I think that is a good way to discuss healthy eating habits with your kids, and have healthy foods in the house. My DS has enough stress/pressure in her life with a DH that dosn’t fully pull his weight, so I just keep my thoughts to myself.

When one of my DN’s graduated from HS, one of his cousins was positively distressed about putting a swimsuit on in front of DN and his friends. As much as fat shaming is a concern, without slimming down, it is a forever reality for most of us. My Mom will be 80 this fall, and still watches what she eats and tries to get her steps in.

I have to watch what I eat & exercise to maintain a slightly overweight body shape.

I mentioned my niece’s weight only b/c I want to be successful in finding an outfit age appropriate and that she feels good in.

H&M was one place I was going to try. My 21 year old DD often finds nice stuff there. DD shops at forever 21 too. Their prices ate wonderful if you can find what you want there.

[azucena]

Bsb - I like your response but dd would never say that. I asked her to tell dh the story tonight since she was calmer and he said well do you punch him in the face and said how's my fat fist taste? It at least got her laughing again.

[azucena]

Bean - I wasn't judging your comment; I understood that you were trying to find the right selections. And we do focus and talk about making healthy food and activity choices. I just don't want the focus to be on weight when her body is just doing what it's supposed to naturally do right now.

[azucena]

DD had her annual check-up yesterday.  She will turn 10 in a couple of weeks.  She measured exactly 5 feet tall (she's grown 4 inches this yr) and weighs 110 lbs.  The dr went thru all of her health checklist questions - helmet, seat belt, eye exam, eat veggies, fruits, bedtime, etc. She also talked about making good choices for snacks and pay attention to when we get full. Last night, DD commented that the dr thought she was fat too. This is not what I heard at all and just what I didn't need for DD to hear right now.  I feel like I can't win.  

I looked this up this morning - this put her in the 92nd percentile for weight with a BMI of 21.5 which means she is slightly overweight.  Healthy weight range is 72 to 102.  I can't imagine what she would look like if she were 72 lbs - that's quite a range.  

[thyme4change]

Jul 20, 2018 8:42:46 GMT -5 azucena said:

DD had her annual check-up yesterday.  She will turn 10 in a couple of weeks.  She measured exactly 5 feet tall (she's grown 4 inches this yr) and weighs 110 lbs.  The dr went thru all of her health checklist questions - helmet, seat belt, eye exam, eat veggies, fruits, bedtime, etc. She also talked about making good choices for snacks and pay attention to when we get full. Last night, DD commented that the dr thought she was fat too. This is not what I heard at all and just what I didn't need for DD to hear right now.  I feel like I can't win.  

I looked this up this morning - this put her in the 92nd percentile for weight with a BMI of 21.5 which means she is slightly overweight.  Healthy weight range is 72 to 102.  I can't imagine what she would look like if she were 72 lbs - that's quite a range.  

My niece was a little overweight at 10. My sister just plowed through - always cooking healthy meals in reasonable portions and not keeping junk food in the house. By the time she was 16 she was pretty thin. She isn't the skinniest in the family, but she is in the healthy weight range. (And my family is just a collection of stick figures.)

I really believe that how you eat growing up is what feels normal when you become an adult, so keep healthy meals as a routine and she will have the best chance of her growing up to have a healthy relationship with food and her body.

[raeoflyte]

BMI's are less than perfect for adults.  The idea of using a BMI calculator for growing kids I just really don't like, especially when they only see that doctor once a year.  That is such a moving target with kids.  C's endocrinologist really talked through his growth chart with us at his last appointment (and we see her 4 times a year so they have a lot more data on his growth).  She went through what she expects we'll see for him through puberty.  The doctors I like have always emphasized that the important thing is that they are staying on their line.  I realize I'm specifying these are the doctors I like.  Even the pediatrician I didn't like said that as long as E had always been on the 95th percentile line that we'd leave it alone (it was the "for now" that bugged me).  

I don't know.  I have struggled with my weight since having kids, and I know I don't have all the answers.  My moms family really struggles with weight and I don't want that for my kids so I do want to be cognizant of the very real issues.  But the best gift my mom gave me was somehow shielding me from all the weight and image crap out there while I was growing up.

[bean29]

Jul 20, 2018 8:42:46 GMT -5 azucena said:

DD had her annual check-up yesterday.  She will turn 10 in a couple of weeks.  She measured exactly 5 feet tall (she's grown 4 inches this yr) and weighs 110 lbs.  The dr went thru all of her health checklist questions - helmet, seat belt, eye exam, eat veggies, fruits, bedtime, etc. She also talked about making good choices for snacks and pay attention to when we get full. Last night, DD commented that the dr thought she was fat too. This is not what I heard at all and just what I didn't need for DD to hear right now.  I feel like I can't win.  

I looked this up this morning - this put her in the 92nd percentile for weight with a BMI of 21.5 which means she is slightly overweight.  Healthy weight range is 72 to 102.  I can't imagine what she would look like if she were 72 lbs - that's quite a range.  

How the hell could she be overweight at 5 ft tall/110 lbs? She may not be a stick, but she should be fine. I am 5’2 (a little less now) and the lowest I have been as an adult was 108. If I am in the low 120’s that is very good.

I have to believe she took the Dr’s comments wrong.

Also weight is relative, some body types are denser than others. My daughter is thiner than me, but weighs more. Mom looks heavier than me, but she mentioned her weight the other day, she weighs about the same as I do.

I think we need to eat healthy and exercise and focus on what is good for ourselves. Not others. Don’t compare. A guideline is a guideline.

[Lizard Queen]

I remember hitting 100 pounds at the age of 10, and from comparison I believe that 110 would be slightly overweight. I have a denser/heavier body type, too.

No need for alarm or drastic measures, but you don't want to build on that--it would just make it harder to deal with later on. Just try not to keep crap at home on a regular basis. Occasional crap is fine.

[azucena]

LQ - good points.  DD is clearly mid-growth spurt and growing taller so I think she will naturally thin out.  She's swimming and doing other activities at camp and will start volleyball at school in just a few weeks.  Although, I did help her clean her room and found a huge stash of candy wrappers.  I had noticed that candy was disappearing rapidly but DH tends to eat too much so I didn't connect it to her.  The girls only get 3 pieces on Mondays - house rule.  I have now hidden it away.  When I confronted DD, she was mortified.  We talked about how that much candy is not good for her health or teeth.  She's the type of kid that will now feel so bad about it, she won't do it again.

We had an incident with her friend last week that made both girls cry.  We tend to tease each other at home using the word weird.  DH is goofy so it's usually us saying Daddy you're so weird and everyone laughing.  Or DD2 will burp and we'll say that's weird.  I guess the friend said something goofy and DD said you're so weird.  Friend took offense and I guess they'd been thru this argument before.  DD tried to explain that it was our family habit and that she was truly joking.  Both girls were upset about crying in public so it spiraled a bit.  I did talk to the mom a couple of days later and she heard the same story and we both agreed to keep working with the girls.

Bought the American girl guy stuff book as DD requested to start hearing about the guy side of puberty.  I skimmed it in the store - seems as well done as the care and keeping of you.  Will be interesting to have conversations about.

Today I have a 10 year old.  She realized that none of her friends were going to be at camp this week so she asked to sleepover at her bf's house so I actually won't see her until 4.  Weird, but she's happy and I know bf's mom is spoiling her

Wrapped two eye shadow palettes and several brushes.  She's going to be so excited.

[finnime]

She will be excited. Wonderful choice of a gift for a new 10-year-old.

[bean29]

We bought an outfit for my niece at a store called Maurice's. I had been in there with my Daughter previously, my sister had never been in there. We bought black pants that were Rayon/Nylon/Spandex and two tops. She did not want to wear a dress to the Wedding. She said she did not care if everyone else wore a dress and she was in pants. My Mom feels she is definitely assertive enough to handle it.  My DS wanted her DD to buy Jeans for school too, but my niece said she hates wearing Jeans - I told DS to wait until DN started school and then maybe peer pressure would cause her to change her mind. 

My DS also bought pants and a top - her clothing was purchased at Lane Bryant.

I agree that Makeup/eye shadow is a great gift for Tweens.. 

[raeoflyte]

azucena didn't your daughter *just* turn 9?  I remember a post about liberating her from her booster seat.  Maybe I have you mixed up with someone else, or maybe time is just spiraling way too fast.  

[azucena]

Time spiraling.  She turned 9 exactly a year ago LOL, and you're probably thinking of the right person because losing the booster seat was a huge deal because I was by far the last hold out in her class.  Our current car battle is everyone else gets to sit in the front seat and I'm the tallest girl in class.  Um, nope, not happening.  When she asked one mom about the airbag, the mom said, oh I just turn it off.  Yikes.  This week one of her friends got picked up from a playdate by her dad on a motorcycle.  Yes, there was a helmet, but still.

[raeoflyte]

Jul 31, 2018 10:09:29 GMT -5 azucena said:

Time spiraling.  She turned 9 exactly a year ago LOL, and you're probably thinking of the right person because losing the booster seat was a huge deal because I was by far the last hold out in her class.  Our current car battle is everyone else gets to sit in the front seat and I'm the tallest girl in class.  Um, nope, not happening.  When she asked one mom about the airbag, the mom said, oh I just turn it off.  Yikes.  This week one of her friends got picked up from a playdate by her dad on a motorcycle.  Yes, there was a helmet, but still.

That makes me feel so much better.  C is 9 and still in a booster.  He is such a little rule follower that he was arguing with his friend that if the strap was hitting him in the neck and uncomfortable, that meant he should really still be in a booster seat.  At which point I asked him to not insert himself in other families rules.  

But E got to ride home in a booster seat 1 night when I had my car instead of the van and now she just begs to ride in a booster instead of her car seat so I know she'll be the opposite.  

[azucena]

Yes, I'm going to have a harder time with DD5 which is terrible because she's way, way, way more petite.  Like 5th percentile LOL.  But, she's way more stubborn.  She will be 6 on Fri and is still in a 5 pt harness which she hasn't doubted yet mostly because she never saw how the other kids ride at daycare pickup.  Kindergarten will change that, but it is a battle that I will win.

Older DD met all of the body/fit requirements to move to the seat belt as she turned 9.  I also showed her one of the crash test dummy videos where the belt didn't fit.  For the front seat, I've told her how the airbag comes out so fast that while it saves you from hitting the dash, it can still damage your body.  I talked about how her bones aren't as rigid as a grown up because they are still growing and how her bruises, scabs, and even broken bones heal much faster than mine.  Helped, but peer pressure is strong.

[Lizard Queen]

I got in a minor accident, and my face got damaged by the airbag.  Broke my nose, some mild burns, and hurt my eye a little.

[chapeau]

There’s a kid in my daughter’s K class who gets picked up on a motorcycle all the time. I get that there are emergencies, but this is a regular occurrence. Yes, I judge. (I don’t like motorcycles, never have. Because they’re So Loud. I understand that they’re loud to let other drivers hear them, but I still hate the noise. I also hate cars and trucks with modified to be super loud exhaust systems, so it’s not just bikes I hate.)
I did defend the dad to another mom the first time I saw it, but he kept picking the kid up that way, so I judge now.

[azucena]

Overheard just before bedtime...this eye doesn't look too terrible, this eye looks like someone punched you in the face sissy. I cannot stop laughing.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Jul 20, 2018 8:42:46 GMT -5 azucena said:

DD had her annual check-up yesterday.  She will turn 10 in a couple of weeks.  She measured exactly 5 feet tall (she's grown 4 inches this yr) and weighs 110 lbs.  The dr went thru all of her health checklist questions - helmet, seat belt, eye exam, eat veggies, fruits, bedtime, etc. She also talked about making good choices for snacks and pay attention to when we get full. Last night, DD commented that the dr thought she was fat too. This is not what I heard at all and just what I didn't need for DD to hear right now.  I feel like I can't win.  

I looked this up this morning - this put her in the 92nd percentile for weight with a BMI of 21.5 which means she is slightly overweight.  Healthy weight range is 72 to 102.  I can't imagine what she would look like if she were 72 lbs - that's quite a range.  

WTF? I'm 5'0'' and have been 90 lbs since HS and get crap for being "dangerously underweight" because normal BMI is 18.5 and I'm 18.

If I remember right I got to get to 120 lbs before I even barely scratch the "slightly overweight" category.

[taz157]

Aug 1, 2018 21:17:43 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

Jul 20, 2018 8:42:46 GMT -5 azucena said:

DD had her annual check-up yesterday.  She will turn 10 in a couple of weeks.  She measured exactly 5 feet tall (she's grown 4 inches this yr) and weighs 110 lbs.  The dr went thru all of her health checklist questions - helmet, seat belt, eye exam, eat veggies, fruits, bedtime, etc. She also talked about making good choices for snacks and pay attention to when we get full. Last night, DD commented that the dr thought she was fat too. This is not what I heard at all and just what I didn't need for DD to hear right now.  I feel like I can't win.  

I looked this up this morning - this put her in the 92nd percentile for weight with a BMI of 21.5 which means she is slightly overweight.  Healthy weight range is 72 to 102.  I can't imagine what she would look like if she were 72 lbs - that's quite a range.  

WTF? I'm 5'0'' and have been 90 lbs since HS and get crap for being "dangerously underweight" because normal BMI is 18.5 and I'm 18.

If I remember right I got to get to 120 lbs before I even barely scratch the "slightly overweight" category.

According to the CDC's BMI calculator, a normal weight range would be from 95 to 128 pounds for your height.

[Lizard Queen]

It's quite normal for kids to be bean poles. They shoot up, and then gradually fill out as their bodies mature. That's why the charts for kids are based on age.

[azucena]

She was at sleep away camp for a week with a friend and they had a blast. We weren't even buckled into the car before she was griping at dd6. About halfway home she thought we should stop for fries which we have literally only done once months ago. When I said no, full out meltdown. I know she was exhausted but jeez give me one evening of I missed you calm lol.

[azucena]

Day 2 of school and I've learned that kindergarten and 5th grade might be a lethal combination. Currently hiding in my room taking deep breaths and contemplating running away from home.

Dd6 is in full on meltdown because I won't take her over to play with the neighbor because I know she's not home yet. She cried in the car from the long day so a playdate isn't going to go well anyway.

DD10 was upset at pick up because she had a note to bring me with her to see the " scariest teacher in the whole school". The mtg was about whether she should be in math at grade level or advanced because she's right on the edge for their criteria - 4th grade teacher input, all subject grades, achievement test scores, aptitude. I was surprised they were even considering her for advanced math and definitely agree that she's borderline and my gut is saying stay on level, get better foundation, gain confidence. Meanwhile my kid is saying I'm up for the challenge and math doesn't scare me even though she seriously cried 75% of the way thru the tiny bits of math homework last year. To make matters worse, the teacher took all of concerns and totally spun them as me helicopter parenting. Argh.

DD10 was also upset because her skirt was loose and she worried it was going to fall down all day. Never mind that when I finally forced her to face the fact that school was starting and she needed to try on uniforms she wouldn't pay attn and rushed thru it.

[geenamercile]

Well at least my ODD did admit that the new bras felt better and she was glad she has them now.  I bet they would feel in better if you had let the professional lady measure you exactly.     You know I bet you would like your clothes better too if you actually went shopping for them instead of just letting mom buy what ever for you.  Seriously kid I hate shopping just as much as you do.  Maybe I should just let YDD go shopping for all of us. 


Azucena I would go with your gut on the math class.