Battling Depression

[buystoys]

Aaaaaaand I jinxed myself on the sleep.

*meh*

If I manage to stay out of bed today, I consider that a win.  It's already 1pm and I've done nothing today.

[finnime]

Steeling myself to go to a concert tonight. It's a smaller venue, David Byrne. Bought the tickets months ago when this seemed reasonable.

The idea of leaving the house and dealing with the crowd is daunting. And it's ridiculous, I know, to have to force myself to go. I never am really comfortable with crowds but usually enjoy music. I don't want to let DH down. But this is going to be really difficult. At least the other people are strangers, so I don't need to talk with them or make up excuses. My body has to be somewhere, might as well be at the concert so at least DH can enjoy it. I need to make an escape plan if I can't take it.

[buystoys]

I feel you, finnime.  I also feel for you.  I also run into the same issue of thinking something will be OK to do months from now and then stressing over it when the time comes.

Make your getaway plan.  You will then have some control over the evening.  I always try to sit at the fringes of these events to make it easier to move away if necessary.  Let your DH know you're anxious so he can support you better.

Keeping my fingers crossed that you can find SOME enjoyment from the concert tonight!  Sending you big hugs!

[finnime]

Thank you, buystoys. We did go and then left 3/4 of the way through the show when the dread just built up too high. Even though I was irrationally angry at the very loud people behind us who talked and talked and just spoke louder when the music swelled (who does that at a live concert?!!) I did enjoy the show. Byrne played "Once in a Lifetime" plus some other older songs and even more from his new album. I practiced breathing and focusing on the stage when the crowds got overwhelming, and squeezed DH's hand so hard it hurt. But I made it!

That's the first time we've been out in a real way in two months. Now to crawl back into my cocoon for the day.

[buystoys]

Being angry at the people behind you doesn't sound irrational to me!  I'd be upset too.  They were ruining YOUR experience with their behavior.

I'm so happy you made it through most of the concert.  It's great that you enjoyed the show!  Remember that the next time you go out.  You CAN do it.  You CAN enjoy yourself.  You CAN make it through a very difficult time.

Hugs to you!  Enjoy your cocoon day.  You earned it.

[TheOtherMe]

I get upset with people talking during concerts, too.  Let yourself be angry with them and know that anger was not about you.

Hugs!

[NastyWoman]

Jul 29, 2018 8:45:16 GMT -5 finnime said:

Thank you, buystoys . We did go and then left 3/4 of the way through the show when the dread just built up too high. Even though I was irrationally angry at the very loud people behind us who talked and talked and just spoke louder when the music swelled (who does that at a live concert?!!) I did enjoy the show. Byrne played "Once in a Lifetime" plus some other older songs and even more from his new album. I practiced breathing and focusing on the stage when the crowds got overwhelming, and squeezed DH's hand so hard it hurt. But I made it!

That's the first time we've been out in a real way in two months. Now to crawl back into my cocoon for the day.

I always say celebrate the small victories, but you need to give yourself credit for a HUGE victory with this.

[finnime]

Still recovering from the concert. Depression makes small things a burden and slightly larger things purely exhausting. I did sleep until 5 last night, so that's a good thing. Now to time dog-walking so I don't run into anyone I know and be obligated to talk.

[TheOtherMe]

I enjoyed the time I spent with my nephew and his wife.  However, I am emotionally spent.  I slept well last night but need more sleep today.

[buystoys]

Went to the orthopedic surgeon yesterday.  (Why am I always going to an appointment?)  I'm finally enough post-op to start physical therapy.  Something else to have to leave the house for even though I know I need it.  *sigh*  I struggle every time I have to go somewhere.  I just want to stay home and be left alone.

DH is considering going to a counselor if he can find one that participates in his plan.  That will at least help him to have someplace to vent. 

[finnime]

Aug 1, 2018 10:51:06 GMT -5 buystoys said:

Went to the orthopedic surgeon yesterday.  (Why am I always going to an appointment?)  I'm finally enough post-op to start physical therapy.  Something else to have to leave the house for even though I know I need it.  *sigh*  I struggle every time I have to go somewhere.  I just want to stay home and be left alone.

DH is considering going to a counselor if he can find one that participates in his plan.  That will at least help him to have someplace to vent. 

Exactly.

Good for your DH to see someone, too. My DH does and it helps.

[finnime]

A question on the SSDI form that has me in tears: What were you able to do before [...] that you can't do now?

They give you one line to answer. I had to attach another sheet to complete this and several other questions. It is unnerving to look back and think what was I able to do four years ago or even six months ago. Now I feel I've succeeded when I get out of bed to drink coffee and walk the dog. Anything else is gravy.

[finnime]

buystoys, good for you starting PT!

[buystoys]

Thanks finnime.  It forces me to leave the house, which is a good thing. 

Yesterday was a good day.  It felt like my meds were on point for a change.  We took the dog to a specialist, had my best friend come over to sit by the pool with us, and went out to dinner to celebrate my birthday.  We got so lucky at the restaurant.  The hostess seated us way in the back so I had an easy view of the whole restaurant.  I didn't even have to ask for it!

Today is not as good so far, but there's still time for things to look better.

[finnime]

I do think this new medication is helping. I don't feel so emotionally frozen all the time now. The downside is that I'm alternating between flat, okay and deeply down, but the ice is breaking. The physical restlessness I'd had in my joints seems to be gone.

Will see how today goes. I see my shrink again on Wednesday.

[buystoys]

It's good to hear that your meds are getting straightened out, finnime.  That seems to make such a difference, doesn't it?

[finnime]

It does make a big difference, yes. I miss me!

[buystoys]

I know that feeling oh so well!  DH stepped into my session on Thursday and agreed that I'm not the person he married.  It's not that he's looking to get out of our relationship, just that he misses her as much as I do.

[finnime]

Yes, the effects of depression on families is easy to overlook. Spouses are robbed of their partners, children of their parent and siblings and others of companionship. My DH has said a number of times he misses me doing x or y - like singing around the house or greeting Franklin the Dog when coming in the door. Things I know I did, but are now just not in me. He's not complaining about shouldering more of the work to do with daily living, just wishful about how the atmosphere has changed.

Women more often than men I think set the emotional tone of a home. I know when I'm sunk my family moves apart for a time. Years ago I traveled quite a lot for work and my XH did what needed to be done at home. My DS, then 3 or 4, plaintively asked me if I couldn't just stay home, because "when you're away all the joys are gone." I still feel guilty about that. I think that's what my DH is experiencing now. He understands depression; he's had his own situational depression when he was struggling with so many physical health and aging issues. He never suggests that this is anything other than an illness I'm fighting as best I can. But the strain is real and hard for him, too.

DH does think at times that he bears some fault for my depression. Even last week he made a comment about how I couldn't go with him somewhere when I was able to get to the grocery store and doctor's. And that I smiled one minute and was tearful a bit later when he was talking. Even though he knows it's not him, he's looking for signs that my distance is from him in particular.

The truth is I'm floundering. I gasp for air then breathe until I'm submerged again. And this is an improvement over where I'd been just a couple of weeks ago.

I'm tired of myself as I am now, too.

[buystoys]

finnime, do you sometimes feel like you have multiple personas living in your head?  Not multiple personality, but one persona comes to the forefront each day.  Maybe today it's the one that sees everything as negative, has a hard time leaving the bed, cries at the drop of a hat, etc.  Then tomorrow the persona that comes out is less likely to cry.  A little less fragile than today's.  I sometimes feel like I have three or four different "people" in my head.  I can't control who comes to the forefront each day, so I'm just along for the ride.  It's a feeling of helplessness I just hate.

[finnime]

Different personas is a great way to put it, buystoys. Yes. I'm in a place where the more fragile and the stronger share each day. I don't know how I'll respond to something or what I'll be able to do, or for how long. Sometimes it doesn't seem worth the battle to attempt anything more than staring at the wall. I hate myself for that.

[finnime]

... and in a nosedive. If I were a house, it would be abandoned and shuttered, with broken furniture, filthy rugs and weeds instead of lawn.

[zibazinski]

I know you’re taking meds, correct? Maybe they need adjusting and as hard as it is, and I know it’s hard, try to exercise daily. I didn’t get off the couch for a week. That’s when I knew I needed help. I’m still not totally over my depression but I have more good days than bad ones. I can sleep without meds now. Huge step forward

[finnime]

Aug 8, 2018 6:33:17 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

I know you’re taking meds, correct? Maybe they need adjusting and as hard as it is, and I know it’s hard, try to exercise daily. I didn’t get off the couch for a week. That’s when I knew I needed help. I’m still not totally over my depression but I have more good days than bad ones. I can sleep without meds now. Huge step forward

Yes, I've been taking meds for many years now. Mine is recurrent biochemical depression, so need medications to keep going. My doctor has been adjusting them plus added a new one a few weeks ago.

Exercise is very important. I'm glad you're doing so much better, Zib. If you have the sleep hygiene thing fixed, you're well on your way.

[zibazinski]

Mine was situational so those are easier to help with.

[zibazinski]

Those of you with pets, did it help your depression? If I didn’t have DH’s cat, I know I’d be much worse off.

[buystoys]

finnime, hugs coming your way.  Hopefully the new drug will kick in soon for you.

[TheOtherMe]

Aug 8, 2018 7:10:18 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Those of you with pets, did it help your depression? If I didn’t have DH’s cat, I know I’d be much worse off.

One of the major reasons I have a cat.  I have to get up to take care of Lucy.  It's been that way all these years.  If I can do nothing more in a day, I will take care of the cat.  The cat depends on me--not to mention the unconditional love the cat gives me.

[zibazinski]

Dogs make you walk them which forces you to get moving but I’m a cat person.

[buystoys]

Yeah, we have a dog.  The only problem is that he bonded with DH, so DH has to take him for the walks.  I've tried walking him and it just doesn't work out so well when a four-legged someone tries to go back to the house over and over again.

I'm more a cat person, but DH has COPD and is allergic to cat dander.  We can't go to my sister's house because she has two cats and DH can't breathe. 

Today is just blah.  I'll take blah over black, though.  I  have a doctor's appointment this morning so will have to leave the house.  My anxiety is up, but not horrible right now.  I just hope I can keep it under control once I get to the doctor's office.  I hate having my leg bounce like crazy or rocking when I'm in front of people.