Battling Depression

[finnime]

I've got a dog and he does force me to both get out of bed and exercise every day, regardless. I may do nothing else but must do that.

[buystoys]

Aaaannnnd I made it through the doctor's appointment without rocking.  The right leg did get a little nuts at one point and then relaxed into a less noticeable bounce.

All my blood tests were good, so I'm free from my PCP for six months.  I have physical therapy and my therapist tomorrow and hope that I can have Friday to just stay home.  I think DH wants to go grocery shopping though, but it's a short list so it won't take too long.  I'd like to put it off until next week if we can.

Couldn't stay out of the bed today.  Just had to have a nap at noon because I couldn't keep my eyes open.  I know some of this is due to my drugs, but it's frustrating to try to stay up all day and just not make it. 

[finnime]

You're battling on the physical and the mental fronts, buystoys. That would exhaust anyone. Nap, sleep, rest and heal.

I saw my shrink yesterday. He's increasing some of my meds. I'm bitter at having been improving only to slide back to bleak the past few days. Plus the swelter of this summer is affecting me badly. It's grossly hot, and some days a deluge of rain. Just.Want.This.To.End.

[buystoys]

Thanks finnime.  I try to not beat myself up, but that's difficult for me.

I agree this heat is creating problems.  I like to go outside and sit on my porch to just listen and relax.  It's been too hot to do that.

Hugs to you!  I hope the meds get straightened out soon for you.

[finnime]

DH suggested I increase the amount of carbs I eat, to see if that helps lift some of this dread. So far so good. Had some ice cream yesterday and pancakes today. Other foods don't interest me when I'm scraping the bottom but sweets do. It may not make a big difference, but can't really hurt.

I'm grateful DH is noticing and doing a few things that I've dropped lately. He runs errands, picks up, does laundry and dishes, makes sure Franklin the Dog is fed. He's also doing the driving when we go somewhere.

One problem with DH is that he's very empathetic. He feels what I feel and has to fight it, or we'll both be sunk. I'm being careful with what I share with him due to this. 

[buystoys]

finnime, I hope the extra carbs help you.

It's hard to feel the need to limit what you share.  I know that feeling too well.  Keeping it in just lets it fester, but letting it out means your spouse reads into it no matter what you say.  They are looking at life through their own lens and part of why we love them is their love for us. 

All I can do is send you hugs on that one.  It's not easy.

[finnime]

Aug 11, 2018 20:23:23 GMT -5 buystoys said:

finnime , I hope the extra carbs help you.

It's hard to feel the need to limit what you share.  I know that feeling too well.  Keeping it in just lets it fester, but letting it out means your spouse reads into it no matter what you say.  They are looking at life through their own lens and part of why we love them is their love for us. 

All I can do is send you hugs on that one.  It's not easy.

Thanks for the hugs. You're right, it's not easy, not at all. Hard for a marriage to not be harmed when one person is not finding strength or peace or happiness in anything, even their spouse. The care I would normally be giving DH is - not - all of a sudden. The pleasure I'd known with him seems a remote memory now. The me I'd shown then is not me now.

[finnime]

I'm glad I checked out the new medication my doctor has prescribed. He had been giving me samples as the dosage titrated up. Yesterday he gave me a prescription. Because this is a new to the market drug, the pharmaceutical company has a discount card which reduces the copay to $10, rather than the $100+/month it would normally be. My insurance is very good but new drugs have a high copay in keeping with their crazily high total cost.

This medication does seem to be doing its job. I'm no longer spiraling further down. Not up, but no more down than I was already.

[buystoys]

That's great news on the new medication, finnime!  Getting to a plateau makes it a little easier to see yourself moving up.  I feel like it kind of becomes a reality  you just couldn't accept while spinning down and down again.  And not having a high copay is also great news!

I'm really happy for you.  You put a smile on my face today.

[finnime]

Really draining, but I did complete filing for SSDI reconsideration yesterday. DH's friend and DH were really helpful, or I could not have done it before the deadline. If this doesn't do it, then the next step is an appeal before an administrative judge. That could take a year or more.

Now I'm going to not insist to myself that I do anything in particular for a few days. Maybe twirl my cowlick. I'm beat.

[buystoys]

Yes, it's emotionally draining to fill out those forms.  You have to face who you were before the depression and it's difficult.  I still want to be that person even though I know she's gone for good.  I'll never be that person again because of the experiences I'm having now. 

Big hugs to you finnime.  Let yourself veg out without feeling bad about it. 

[TheOtherMe]

Hugs finnime

[Artemis Windsong]

For all of you..   

[empress of self-improvement]

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you on the SSDI finnime. DH's was approved first time out but he was a whole different kettle of fish. I was glad because that paperwork was a PITA to fill out.

I'm glad the new meds are helping.

I have been feeling ok this week. Monday had a few moments when DH fell out of his wheelchair and he was being a resistant pain in my ass to being picked up. He refuses to understand that I need him to bend his legs in order to pick him up and the fact they don't bend too well anymore because of atrophy worries and annoys me. He refuses to even consider PT or any type of exercises. AAARRGGHH!!!!!!!!!!! On the plus side, I got my strength training in for the day by the time I got him from the floor to the couch to the chair. 150 pound deadlift

I also know I'm feeling ok this week because I have been coming up with all kinds of plans for my yard and actually following through on them. I'm excited to see what it will all look like next year when a lot of it will come to fruition. Creating beds and making little areas of interest. It's a lot of work but the exercise is helping me mentally. While killing me physically!

[finnime]

That's great, empress of self-improvement, about the garden plans. It's both physically challenging and a an excellent creative outlet.

Good for you!

[debthaven]

finnime I am sorry because I saw your post the other day. As you know my kids are here so I'm not online as often these days.

I just wanted to say I am SO HAPPY AND PROUD OF YOU THAT YOU FILLED OUT THOSE FORMS!!!

I hope you will be approved my friend. Your virtual friends are all rooting for you.

[finnime]

Thank you, debthaven, buystoys, empress of self-improvement, TheOtherMe and azucena. I don't think I'd have managed to the end of this round of SSDI without your virtual support.

A really debilitating factor of depression for me is the inability to do, or especially to finish things. I'm not good naturally at doing anything bit by bit; my style is more leaps and bounds. So when I'm down and can't leap at all getting anything done at all is a real struggle. No matter what the SSDI filing is done for now. My doctor gave an update, and DH did his piece. Done, done and done. Really a miracle. Thank you all for the encouragement.

[buystoys]

I've been feeling so *bleh* the last few days.  It's better than being down, but it's a struggle to not see it as a negative outlook on life.

DH is going to see my therapist with me a couple of times.  We had a long talk the other day and it was good.  I cried, of course.  Those tears just won't go away.  I just wish he would understand better that my anxiety isn't always due to anything specific and never about something he's done.  My leg bounces or my fingers tap at the arm rests of my chair or I rock.  It's just that the anxiety hits and I can't sit still.  I don't know "why" it's active.  I can't peel apart all the emotions that hit me, just that it makes me anxious and I have to move.

I've colored almost all day today.  That's not good.  I'm isolating too much when I do that.  I didn't want to get into a "real" conversation with DH.  My mind is all over the place and I can't focus.  I forgot my mid-day drugs twice last week so maybe that plays a roll in how I'm feeling today.  I haven't felt such a strong need to be left alone for a few weeks.

I just needed to vent here.  DH would take some of this personally even though I tell him not to.  I feel like my PTSD/MDD/Anxiety is trying to tear away at my relationships.  That scares me, which causes the anxiety to hit even harder.  I have an appointment with the pharmacology practitioner this week so maybe I can get some answers.

[finnime]

buystoys , 


I understand the want / need to just be without explanation.

[finnime]

Overwhelmed with thinking of all I should be doing. Not a good start to this day. I don't know why I'm in this dive down, but there rarely is an actual reason. Sometimes everything I've not done but should have in my life, and everything I did but should not have, pile up and bury me. Got to stop this loop in my head.

[buystoys]

finnime, do you have access to a dvd "From Chaos to Freedom?"  My therapist recommended it and it's been interesting so far.  It's about mindfulness and staying in the moment.  Granted, I haven't succeeded too well in this exercise, but it at least gives me something to try when I get overwhelmed.  It's a tool to help control the thought loops. 

It doesn't help me so much when I just want to be alone.  For me, that's a different thought process.

[finnime]

I'll look it up, buystoys. Maybe it will help.

[azucena]

I can sometimes stop the brain chaos by playing some of my favorite tunes.  You know, the kind you can't help but sing to - apparently my brain can't sing and bombard me at the same time - I'm a simple creature.  Even better if the songs are upbeat/uplifting (i.e. no breakup songs LOL).

[TheOtherMe]

Thursdays and dealing with my dad are not helping my depression at all.

[buystoys]

Aug 23, 2018 16:51:36 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Thursdays and dealing with my dad are not helping my depression at all.

[Lizard Queen]

I read this the other day, and it made a lot of interesting points that touched on a myriad of subjects.  One that came to my mine was why/how meditation can help depression.  I haven't read the book itself, and probably won't (unless my library happens to get it). I just thought this brought up a lot of interesting ideas, although this particular article digs more into the social psychology angle of it.

  www.vox.com/science-and-health/2017/8/23/16179044/buddhism-meditation-mindfulness-robert-wright-interview

[buystoys]

Aug 23, 2018 20:44:21 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

I read this the other day, and it made a lot of interesting points that touched on a myriad of subjects.  One that came to my mine was why/how meditation can help depression.  I haven't read the book itself, and probably won't (unless my library happens to get it). I just thought this brought up a lot of interesting ideas, although this particular article digs more into the social psychology angle of it.

  www.vox.com/science-and-health/2017/8/23/16179044/buddhism-meditation-mindfulness-robert-wright-interview

It's a good article and the DVD I mentioned earlier explains how to do mindful meditation.  I'm not good at it yet, but I also know that just making the attempt will help slow down and move away (? not certain I'm using the correct terms?) the racing thoughts that are NOT from living in the moment.

On a different note:  DH went to therapy with me yesterday.  My goal was for him to have a better understanding that my anxiety was not caused by him or something he did.  Fortunately, my therapist can explain it well and DH came out of the session with more positivity about my therapy and my reactions to things.  While the session was all about me, it wasn't about me in another way.  I'm supposed to watch a movie this week (I can't remember the name.  The one they play around the holidays with George Bailey as the main character.) and then write down how it makes me feel.  DH has seen the movie several times and is watching it with me. 

I don't even know how to describe my emotional state right now.  I feel so blah, but also feel more depressed.  I just struggle to find interest in anything.  I got two new books yesterday and haven't even opened one up.  That's not like me.  I've had my coloring out on the table as I haven't finished the picture I was working on, but have no ambition to pick it up again.  Mostly I just sit and read postings on here or watch TV.

[TheOtherMe]

Aug 23, 2018 16:51:36 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Thursdays and dealing with my dad are not helping my depression at all.

After yesterday's failure with the circle words, there will be no more running around by me looking for the word puzzles.  I will only take him to the regular store and if they have them, they have them.  If they don't, he will be SOL.

[finnime]

Vacationing in Maine is very therapeutic as it turns out. Also seeing family: my brothers and sister were up for the first few days. Now it's me, DH and Franklin the Dog. No worries, no cares today.

[buystoys]

So glad it turned out well for you, finnime!  Hoping that feeling stays with you for a while.