Battling Depression

[azucena]

Yeah that!

I feel like saying depression is due to expectations or adjust your expectations indicates that you've never really been depressed.

[Shooby]

Jul 14, 2018 17:14:30 GMT -5 azucena said:

Yeah that!

I feel like saying depression is due to expectations or adjust your expectations indicates that you've never really been depressed.

That isn't what I am saying.  

[Artemis Windsong]

Jul 13, 2018 7:54:38 GMT -5 buystoys said:

My single objective for today is to stay out of bed.

I didn't sleep well last night -- My eyes hurt when I went to bed and I had a stuffy nose headache.  My thoughts were whirling like banshees, so I tried mindful breathing to slow everything down and let it go.  No result.  Then I tried muscle relaxation starting with my toes.  I never moved from my toes.  Once I did get to sleep, I had intense dreams again for the third night this week.  I'm tired.  It's tempting to eat some breakfast and just go back to bed.  If I do that, though, I know I won't get up until noonish and I won't do anything today.  If I take a nap after lunch, I'll get up around 4 and not make dinner (again) tonight. 

I just hate this.  I hate the days where my life seems to revolve around fighting to stay out of bed.  It shouldn't be this difficult.

Have you recorded your dreams?

I found that if I had a disturbing dream then told my H. and wrote it in my journal, it did not recur.

[Artemis Windsong]

I was awake most of the night.  3:00 a.m. benedryl put me to sleep.  H. morning noises woke me.  This insomnia did not feel like hormones.  Thrashing thoughts.  Sometimes I feel under attack by psychics tossing those thoughts.

I took a brief energy seminar.  It said to press on the tip of your nose to bring your energy down.  Also stand, take your hands and pull them down your body to your feet.  That lowers the energy level.  The reverse works also.  Start low and pull your hands up over your head to increase energy.

[buystoys]

Jul 14, 2018 17:23:01 GMT -5 Artemis Windsong said:

Jul 13, 2018 7:54:38 GMT -5 buystoys said:

My single objective for today is to stay out of bed.

I didn't sleep well last night -- My eyes hurt when I went to bed and I had a stuffy nose headache.  My thoughts were whirling like banshees, so I tried mindful breathing to slow everything down and let it go.  No result.  Then I tried muscle relaxation starting with my toes.  I never moved from my toes.  Once I did get to sleep, I had intense dreams again for the third night this week.  I'm tired.  It's tempting to eat some breakfast and just go back to bed.  If I do that, though, I know I won't get up until noonish and I won't do anything today.  If I take a nap after lunch, I'll get up around 4 and not make dinner (again) tonight. 

I just hate this.  I hate the days where my life seems to revolve around fighting to stay out of bed.  It shouldn't be this difficult.

Have you recorded your dreams?

I found that if I had a disturbing dream then told my H. and wrote it in my journal, it did not recur.

I do record them, but they are still recurring.  I mostly dream about the guy who stabbed me looking in my house windows to try to get me.  After that are embarrassing events, most never even really happened, with high school class mates involved.  Third are dreams of my ex-fiancee humiliating me in some manner and threatening to cut me up.  (He killed his girlfriend and hacked her up into pieces.  If you live in the Tri-State area, you probably saw him on the news.)  I wish they would stop.  I go over them with my therapist on a regular basis. 

[finnime]

Insomnia again, but made it until 4:00 this time.

I have ugly dreams, but buystoys, hugs and wishes there were more this invisible person could do.

Depression sandbags and saps you. For me it dissolves my ability to concentrate for more than 20 minutes at a time. It is robbing me of my chief strength, my mind. It soaks up my energy until I can only do small things, like put on shoes, and sometimes that's beyond me too. No matter how strong my will I often cannot remember what I'm doing even while I'm doing it. It is painful, darkening the world for me until I see only black. It is also physically painful. I feel like I've been beaten with some heavy weapon. It turns me against other people who represent all I've lost, which makes me loathe myself. I have lost my ability to laugh and to enjoy to depression. It has siphoned off my hope and belief in a future. It has twisted my thinking and forced it down a dark path to envision death as a reprieve.

Medication helps me stay alive but doesn't cure this. Nor does therapy, which helps me cope better but can't dry up this engulfing wave of doom. Exercise, good nutrition, prayers and surrounding myself with positive supports all have a place but can't touch the core of depression. I know at some point this will end. That is the only thing that keeps me from trying to end it myself.

Because I can't see mistakes or recognize how to correct them managing money right now is frightening. I obsess over spreadsheets but really have to rely on other tools like automatic bill paying to avoid disaster. Because thinking or following steps in a process are beyond me right now working is impossible. I keep endless lists so that each day isn't completely swallowed into oblivion. The lists include things like wear blue shorts and white shirt, or drink coffee, or call DSis. Asking for help even from DH is an admission of complete uselessness. I believe I should be able myself to drive to the store and buy cream. But I cannot do that right now.

The world is worse than unkind to people with depression. I lost my job due to it. People don't know how to respond when you are clearly not with it, when you are sad without reason and forget conversational streams.

The best description I have of a bout is how it is when you've lost someone you love, like a parent, partner or child, to a sudden death. The grief you have immediately afterward reshapes your self and your world completely for a time. Everything is excruciatingly painful. Nothing works. Sleep is urgent but eludes you. Food has no good flavor; you just chew and chew. Judgement is clouded and often absent. There is an alarm that sounds within you that you can't respond to. Just plod on and write down lists.

[buystoys]

Jul 15, 2018 5:03:02 GMT -5 finnime said:

....

Medication helps me stay alive but doesn't cure this. Nor does therapy, which helps me cope better but can't dry up this engulfing wave of doom. Exercise, good nutrition, prayers and surrounding myself with positive supports all have a place but can't touch the core of depression. I know at some point this will end. That is the only thing that keeps me from trying to end it myself.

....

You said it so well.  The bolded is what keeps me going.  My meds can be changed to allow me to sleep better and face the world without trying to work my way through gray and black.  I get glimpses of what life used to be, of how I once was.  I hold onto those even as I break down into tears again and again.  Just writing about crying has pressure forming in  my eyes and the sniffling has begun.  I truly hate this world and wish I had my old one back.

Thank you for your post. 

[azucena]

deleted...wrong thread

[Chocolate Lover]

Jul 14, 2018 6:17:02 GMT -5 Peace77 said:

Thanks for suggesting theBloggess.com
The story about the beer was a hoot and I don't even drink beer.

My favorite post ever from her is Beyonce the giant metal chicken. It's several years old at this point.

[Chocolate Lover]

Big hugs to all of you. 

[TheOtherMe]

Count me as another one who is enjoying theBloggess.com

I figure today was a win.  I slept pretty good last night.  I made it to the post office to ship two items I sold on eBay.  Monday is trash day.  Right now, I try to make sure I have the limit on trash as I am decluttering.  This week I definitely have all the trash I can without buying a tag for more.  

I also washed two loads of laundry.  I must keep telling myself I accomplished things today!

[Artemis Windsong]

Jul 15, 2018 5:03:02 GMT -5 finnime said:

Insomnia again, but made it until 4:00 this time.

I have ugly dreams, but buystoys , hugs and wishes there were more this invisible person could do.

Depression sandbags and saps you. For me it dissolves my ability to concentrate for more than 20 minutes at a time. It is robbing me of my chief strength, my mind. It soaks up my energy until I can only do small things, like put on shoes, and sometimes that's beyond me too. No matter how strong my will I often cannot remember what I'm doing even while I'm doing it. It is painful, darkening the world for me until I see only black. It is also physically painful. I feel like I've been beaten with some heavy weapon. It turns me against other people who represent all I've lost, which makes me loathe myself. I have lost my ability to laugh and to enjoy to depression. It has siphoned off my hope and belief in a future. It has twisted my thinking and forced it down a dark path to envision death as a reprieve.

Medication helps me stay alive but doesn't cure this. Nor does therapy, which helps me cope better but can't dry up this engulfing wave of doom. Exercise, good nutrition, prayers and surrounding myself with positive supports all have a place but can't touch the core of depression. I know at some point this will end. That is the only thing that keeps me from trying to end it myself.

Because I can't see mistakes or recognize how to correct them managing money right now is frightening. I obsess over spreadsheets but really have to rely on other tools like automatic bill paying to avoid disaster. Because thinking or following steps in a process are beyond me right now working is impossible. I keep endless lists so that each day isn't completely swallowed into oblivion. The lists include things like wear blue shorts and white shirt, or drink coffee, or call DSis. Asking for help even from DH is an admission of complete uselessness. I believe I should be able myself to drive to the store and buy cream. But I cannot do that right now.

The world is worse than unkind to people with depression. I lost my job due to it. People don't know how to respond when you are clearly not with it, when you are sad without reason and forget conversational streams.

The best description I have of a bout is how it is when you've lost someone you love, like a parent, partner or child, to a sudden death. The grief you have immediately afterward reshapes your self and your world completely for a time. Everything is excruciatingly painful. Nothing works. Sleep is urgent but eludes you. Food has no good flavor; you just chew and chew. Judgement is clouded and often absent. There is an alarm that sounds within you that you can't respond to. Just plod on and write down lists.

This is very well written and clearly states the problems a lot of people cannot express.  I appreciate your sharing this. 

The only suggestion I would have is ask yourself just before you go to sleep, what is the source of the depression.  What can I do to help myself.  The mind will lead you to the answers or give a direct answer.

I did this 3 weeks into chiropractic treatment that didn't seem to be working.    The answer for me was put a pillow behind my back for support and one between my legs.  This is relieve a lot of the pain I was experiencing.  The chiro doc did not offer any pain relieving medicine.  Then, he got a similar issue with his back.  I didn't ask how he was at the last appointment.

[Artemis Windsong]

Jul 14, 2018 19:11:38 GMT -5 buystoys said:

Jul 14, 2018 17:23:01 GMT -5 Artemis Windsong said:

Have you recorded your dreams?

I found that if I had a disturbing dream then told my H. and wrote it in my journal, it did not recur.

I do record them, but they are still recurring.  I mostly dream about the guy who stabbed me looking in my house windows to try to get me.  After that are embarrassing events, most never even really happened, with high school class mates involved.  Third are dreams of my ex-fiancee humiliating me in some manner and threatening to cut me up.  (He killed his girlfriend and hacked her up into pieces.  If you live in the Tri-State area, you probably saw him on the news.)  I wish they would stop.  I go over them with my therapist on a regular basis. 

These a very valid reasons for your anxiety and depression.  You survived being stabbed.  A trauma most people will never know. 

I don't know the Tri-State area you mention. 

All I can offer for the faux memories is hold the thought and look at it.  Step mentally into another area.  I visualize a line.  When I cross the line, I tell myself this never happened.  It is as if it never happened.  Sometimes the thought comes back and I clear it again.

Remind yourself you got away from the ex-fiancee.  You got away clean and not physically harmed.  It's like the time you waited 5 minutes to leave for somewhere and something bad happened like an accident to someone else.  You got away clean.

Ask yourself what more you can do to help yourself right before you go to sleep.  I can see why you don't rest well. 

Best wishes in clearing out the false events.  And healing your trauma.

eta:  Are you able to take a self defense class?

[buystoys]

Artemis Windsong, I haven't looked into a self-defense class due to my back issues.  I just had surgery in April and still have back pain.  Pain management won't do any injections or treatment for a year while the bones heal from having hardware inserted.  Just another thing dragging me down right now.  It seems like I manage to get one problem mostly handled and another one pops up to cause problems.  Again, I know life won't always be like this for me, but it's been really bad like this for almost five years now.  I'm just done with it.

[Artemis Windsong]

I'm sorry about your back pain.  I understand the helpless feeling in that.  I can also relate to the nervousness.  A bump into something hurts.  A bump by someone is scary.  There is zero relief to sleep that adds to the problems.  Everything is an ordeal.  There is the loss of body confidence and strength.  Ugh. 

Are there any comedians you like to watch?  I'm sure laughing hurts, also.

I hope you have someone helping you.

[buystoys]

My DH has been a wonderful help through all this.  He knows I don't like to be in a crowd, even a small one you might find at a restaurant hostess podium.  He'll leave me at a spot outside the group where I can see him and take care of getting a reservation or buying tickets, etc.  I just hate people pushing into me, especially behind me. 

DH is too careful in some things, though.  We have an ongoing conversation about how much I can do after my surgery.  I keep telling him that I have to push it or I'll never be able to do simple things (laundry, load the dishwasher, anything that requires bending) and I'll never heal properly.  I'm not doing anything my surgeon hasn't approved, so I'm not pushing it too hard.  I stop when the pain gets to be too much.

Unfortunately, this is also adding to the anxiety and depression.  *sigh*  I just keep telling myself it won't always be like this.

[finnime]

The reason I have depression, the source of my condition, is nothing. Is everything. Is my genes, my distinct biochemistry. Is the fact that it's summer 2018. Is politics. Is my DH's health, my finances, my present and my future. Is nothing that I've not already managed much worse without triggering a bout.

I don't any longer look too hard for reasons. There are always triggers, but they are always there. That's just life with depression.

Today I'll drink coffee and walk the dog and see my doctor. He tells me this will end, and I believe him.

[finnime]

Jul 18, 2018 9:35:29 GMT -5 buystoys said:

My DH has been a wonderful help through all this.  He knows I don't like to be in a crowd, even a small one you might find at a restaurant hostess podium.  He'll leave me at a spot outside the group where I can see him and take care of getting a reservation or buying tickets, etc.  I just hate people pushing into me, especially behind me. 

DH is too careful in some things, though.  We have an ongoing conversation about how much I can do after my surgery.  I keep telling him that I have to push it or I'll never be able to do simple things (laundry, load the dishwasher, anything that requires bending) and I'll never heal properly.  I'm not doing anything my surgeon hasn't approved, so I'm not pushing it too hard.  I stop when the pain gets to be too much.

Unfortunately, this is also adding to the anxiety and depression.  *sigh*  I just keep telling myself it won't always be like this.

The anxiety and depression will not always be like this. I'm glad for you that your DH is supportive.

[Artemis Windsong]

Jul 17, 2018 8:44:28 GMT -5 buystoys said:

Artemis Windsong , I haven't looked into a self-defense class due to my back issues.  I just had surgery in April and still have back pain.  Pain management won't do any injections or treatment for a year while the bones heal from having hardware inserted.  Just another thing dragging me down right now.  It seems like I manage to get one problem mostly handled and another one pops up to cause problems.  Again, I know life won't always be like this for me, but it's been really bad like this for almost five years now.  I'm just done with it.

I found something new in the breathing area.  Wim Hof breathing method.

www.bing.com/videos/search?q=wim+hof+breathing&view=detail&mid=8EA806B23C16AAAC97288EA806B23C16AAAC9728&FORM=VIRE

[buystoys]

Thank you for the link Artemis Windsong.  I've not seen Wim Hof breathing before and I'm going to give it a try.

[TheOtherMe]

My depression has been a part of my life for about 56 years.  It's been devastating, it's been tolerable and everything in between.  Since the better medications came to be, it's been much more tolerable.  That does not mean every day will be a good day.  There are few good days.

It's been a part of my life for so long and I know it will be a part of my life until I take my last breath.

[finnime]

I am heartened by the growing number of medications and some other treatment options. I hope for you, TheOtherMe, that you find more good days.

Mine is recurrent rather than chronic depression. It is devastating.

[finnime]

My doctor has started me on a new medication. This is in addition to the 3 other meds, but reducing one of them. We'll see. It takes 1 - 2 weeks to show any effects. He gave me samples to start, and I see the pharmaceutical company is offering a coupon for the first prescription fill.

One thing I know I'm very fortunate to have is good health insurance. My DH is retired from the federal government, so we're both covered for as long as we want by the feds' health plans. These are not special plans for retirees; they are the same, and with the same premiums, as are offered to active current employees. DH also gets Medicare. I know that depression like other illness can create real hardships financially due to treatment costs on top of the hit to employment. Medications - psychotropics that are not offered in generic forms, especially - would be impossibly expensive except for our insurance coverage. As it is the copays add up, but to only the high hundreds per year as opposed to many thousands.

Doctors and therapists add up, too. Insurance remits based on what they determine is reasonable and customary for an area. Very few mental health professionals in my experience participate in the insurance plans - too little is paid for their services. So there's a double whammy of the much higher fees than insurance will remit in addition to the much lower percentage of the insurance-determined fee paid by the company. So my doctor charges $185 for 45 minutes psycho- and pharmacotherapy. Insurance determines that $90 is the rate they will pay. Then insurance pays only 60% of the $90 after the deductible instead of all but a $20 copay. I pay the full $185.

It used to be much worse before the Mental Health Parity law went into effect. Before that insurers could and did have a separate remittance schedule for mental health services. They might pay only 25% of there own defined "reasonable and customary" fee and have a crazily high deductible separate from other health services.

[TheOtherMe]

I am a federal retiree so that is the insurance I have, along with Medicare.

There used to be a 25 limit visit per year on mental health visits.  As you said, the limit is no longer there.

I am lucky that my therapist and medical management doctor are both covered by my insurance.  Because of my insurance and Medicare, I have zero for a co-pay.

[buystoys]

I am fortunate that my therapist and pharmacotherapy nurse are both on my insurance plan.  I am, unfortunately, one of those people who has a multi-thousand dollar deductible and nothing is paid by insurance until I've met the deductible.  I've met my deductible this year, so all my medications and visits now are no cost to me.  I have no doubt my deductible will increase again for 2019, so I need to put aside several thousand dollars to meet it.  I can do it by cutting out a lot of things we want to do to the house, but we're already in the fourth year of doing that.  It's a struggle but we're fortunate to be able to come up with the money. 

[finnime]

ToM, really glad you are not drowning in medical bills, too. Illness costs so much as it is.

[finnime]

I wonder if insurance plan participation by mental health providers is a regional thing? Around here (metro DC Maryland) really good participating providers are scarce.

When I was working I did the FSA for medical, which helped a lot with deductible and copays.

[TheOtherMe]

Jul 19, 2018 8:39:59 GMT -5 finnime said:

ToM, really glad you are not drowning in medical bills, too. Illness costs so much as it is.

The clinic where I go is extremely short staffed.  It's easy to get in for medication management, but seeing a therapist is a different story.  I make my appointments two months in advance.  If my therapist feels I need more sessions, she puts me on a wait list.  She told me she prioritizes the wait list once a day so those with more critical needs are at the top.

We have two hospitals.  The other hospital has no psychiatric unit so there is no clinic attached to it at present.  Supposedly, that type of treatment is one of their next goals.

The hospital where I had my surgery has a psychiatric unit.  However, if no beds are available, it could be a 6 hour ride to an available bed.

No facility in this area does treatment for addiction.  

When I lived in Colorado, I never had difficulty finding therapists either.  I did have co-pays then.

Because I have the higher cost health insurance premium along with Medicare Part B, I have no co-pays.  I paid nothing out of pocket when I had my gall bladder surgery either.  The difference in the premiums has more than paid for itself in the almost two years I have been on Medicare.

[buystoys]

Saw my therapist today.  She gave me a list of anxiety meds to give to my pharmacology practitioner on Monday.  R (my therapist) would like S (the pharma person) to prescribe one of them for me for a short term.  R thinks a lot of my recent anxiety is due to coming off pain meds post-op.  I guess there's all this brain chemistry that goes on and when the meds are gone, your body reacts negatively.  If the new meds allow me to sit still, that's a win. 

That might also be part of my problem sleeping and my dreams being so intense.

I feel like it just doesn't stop.  It starts as one thing and then snowballs into so many other areas.  I do remember that I was feeling better a few months ago, but that doesn't help right now.  I keep trying to hold onto the thought that it will get better some day.  I will have a better life back some day.

[Deleted]

I think those of us who are not experiencing depression should shut up.

They don't need our suggestions, observations, or advice.

I feel like this is a place for people who are depressed to share with each other.

I love you guys.