Battling Depression

[azucena]

Oct 8, 2024 8:56:27 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

Depression seems to be easing some.  I hope the change in classes is going to solve a lot-and DS took some ownership that his bad resource grade was because he was stuffing things in his binder, so maybe that will get better? Babysitter reported that his binder was already organized when she went to help him with it. Should probably talk to the teacher anyway, once I clear some more of the to do pile.  His newly-accelerated math teacher said that he switched at the perfect time bc they just started a new unit and he is doing great so far (all of 2 days in   . 

I think part of my problem is that I am a very logical person and when things objectively suck I have a hard time sugar coating it.  But the tendency to spiral when presented with one more obstacle is not helpful either…

Gradually chipping away at the to do mountain and it no longer feels like Everest.

I hope azucena is okay, I know there was some tension about weekends away and planning responsibilities and I hope this was a recuperation and healing event.

We were cross posting. I'm still trying to survive.

Wanted to circle back to you and say I've never heard of resource room grades and that seems really counterproductive as they're supposed to be a literal resource and help for kids who need it. Why put a grade on that?!

[azucena]

Weekend also included a blow up with DD16. She overslept for Spanish Bible study group that we've been doing together which I've been really enjoying in large part because we're doing it together. Then, I'm texting from it with DH and saying he needs to make sure she comes to church bc DD12 was taking her first communion. Dude says he said something to her but she ducked out without him noticing and I could track her going to theater work day at school. Then she stopped answering texts. I'm livid and trying not to let all my anger out on her. End up texting drama teacher and asking her to tell DD to check her phone. DD16 walks into church 15 mins late and DD12 noticeably relaxed and moved to snuggle up to her. Really ruined my whole view of what should have been a proud experience.

To hear DD16 tell it last night, she thought DD12 was only going to communion class which she'd been doing for a couple of weeks prior and didn't notice it listed any different on our calendar. She also says that DH didn't make it clear when he talked to her that morning. Half believe that bc he's so checked out these days. So frustrating. When DD and I talked, I prob threw him under the bus more than I should have but she's not stupid and notices that he doesn't pay attn.

Meanwhile I'm also getting weird vibes about her boyfriend and I'm not liking some of their text exchanges that Bark alerts. Tried to talk to her about that too but got stonewalled. Will see if there's another opening for that during our trip.

[TheOtherMe]

Oct 8, 2024 8:49:01 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

Wow.  Just wow.  Amazing how two sisters with the same genetics and same childhood environment can be so different.

I saw an entirely different sister when I moved here than when I lived in Boulder and talked to her on the phone and saw her 3 or 4 days a year.  I immediately did not like the person that lives here.

I told mom about it and she did tell that is who she is and she didn't like it either.

Of course, both mom and dad blame the half sister.  DS went to California and stayed with her for 2 weeks one summer.  They say she came back changed.  

I don't buy that, but they claimed that is when her personality "changed" until they died.  A personality doesn't change in 2 weeks.  It was already there and something about being away from her parents let her show a side of herself she didn't know existed.  I don't know.

As my dear late friend Jerry said, she is a bully.  Sadly DN3 married a woman just like his mother.  I can see that clearly.  Obviously he doesn't see it because he thinks his mother walks on water.  

DN1 said bully is the correct word for the mother he has encountered since he made it clear he was never moving back to Iowa or this area.  When bullying doesn't work, she goes to manipulation.  He sees it and stops it.  His mother gets mad and tries a different manipulation.  He cuts off contact.   

Then she tries to say she "needs" to at least talk to her grandson, who doesn't know her.  She always says that I have an arranged time and she would like one but her life doesn't work like that.  Whenever she contacts DN1 to set up a time, he says it is always on our agreed upon time and he tells her we have had this time since they moved to Toronto and it's not being changed.

[finnime]

Whew, azucena , lurkyloo and TheOtherMe . I hope you each soon find your way through the mire circling you and that Other People who are being so hellishly impossible find something else to do than to bully you. Hugs

[Works4me]

Just had a very productive Helen health appt w my PA. I have been going around and around and around w BCBS regarding specialist coverage. I am 3-4 weeks late for my lower back injections and doing anything besides laying flat on my back hurts like hell. Hopefully everything is in place to do my back tomorrow, shoulders on Monday and knees end of the month. The combination of the pain and insurance issues is so depressing I fall into hopelessness and helplessness, if those are words.

😶

[lurkyloo]

Oct 8, 2024 9:13:49 GMT -5 azucena said:

Oct 8, 2024 8:56:27 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

Depression seems to be easing some.  I hope the change in classes is going to solve a lot-and DS took some ownership that his bad resource grade was because he was stuffing things in his binder, so maybe that will get better? Babysitter reported that his binder was already organized when she went to help him with it. Should probably talk to the teacher anyway, once I clear some more of the to do pile.  His newly-accelerated math teacher said that he switched at the perfect time bc they just started a new unit and he is doing great so far (all of 2 days in   . 

I think part of my problem is that I am a very logical person and when things objectively suck I have a hard time sugar coating it.  But the tendency to spiral when presented with one more obstacle is not helpful either…

Gradually chipping away at the to do mountain and it no longer feels like Everest.

I hope azucena is okay, I know there was some tension about weekends away and planning responsibilities and I hope this was a recuperation and healing event.

We were cross posting. I'm still trying to survive.

Wanted to circle back to you and say I've never heard of resource room grades and that seems really counterproductive as they're supposed to be a literal resource and help for kids who need it. Why put a grade on that?!

Right??  Like WTF.  

Sorry to hear the black pit of other people sucking is not getting better.  The proposed legal fund to go after nut’s parental rights can easily be repurposed if we need to hire a hit man and buy an extra frEEzer     I’m just sayin’.

[finnime]

Those are the words, Works4me. I really hope all goes well tomorrow.

[Tennesseer]

Received this article in an email the other day. It is from Time Magazine. Not sure if it is behind a pay wall or not. If it is, and you are unable to read the entire article, let me know and I will find a way for you to read it in its entirety.

You Can Now Treat Depression With an App

Until recently, clinical depression treatments have fallen into just two categories: psychotherapy and antidepressant medications. But this year, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration cleared the first app-based treatment for major depressive disorder, which just became available for use this summer.

The app, called Rejoyn, is cleared as a supplement to currently approved therapies and works by using specifically designed tasks on a smartphone app to rewire neural signals. The idea is to tap into the brain’s circuits so depressive signals and pathways don’t spiral into the debilitating emotional episodes typical of clinical depression.

The evolution of a depression app
Dr. Dennis Charney, now dean of the Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai, first got the idea for Rejoyn when studying prisoners of war years ago. He and his colleagues were focused on learning about resilience and what makes certain people better than others at coping with tragedy. The researchers interviewed about 30 Vietnam veterans, most of whom had survived years of torture and solitary confinement. “A number of them started telling us that when they were in solitary and all they could do was think, that their cognitive capacities increased dramatically,” says Charney.

That’s a well-known phenomenon in brain science called neuroplasticity: the ability of the brain to improve and reinforce certain circuits with practice. Some of the prisoners developed an ability to multiply 12 numbers at a time, while others wrote books in their mind that they eventually published. Another designed an entire house that he built after his release. These "exercises" allowed the prisoners to refocus their intellectual, emotional, and cognitive energy on something other than their challenging conditions, and essentially move beyond them.

If these men were able to strengthen cognitive circuits in their brain under such horribly limited circumstances, Charney says he and his team wondered whether it would also be possible to “correct the abnormal circuits involved in depression” using similar tasks.

Years of research—which eventually led to Rejoyn—fine-tuned the tasks that people could easily do on their phone. What seems to work is a task that “does not remind people of past personal experiences, and is not related specifically to what is causing someone’s depression,” says Charney. It focuses more broadly on the depression circuit in the brain that links the prefrontal cortex, which is involved in memory, and the subcortical regions including the amygdala and hippocampus, which are tied to emotions associated with depression. In people with depression, imaging studies have shown that the memory and intellectual circuits are less active while the emotional signals are overactive, and that imbalance likely contributes to the negativity and hopelessness that are hallmarks of depression.

Inspired by a paper in 2008 that described how a computerized brain training program could improve working memory, Charney challenged one his mentees at the time, Brian Iacoviello, to develop a training exercise that might target key nodes in the brain’s neural networks that would have antidepressant effects.“We thought about targeting that imbalance and came up with a relatively straightforward, elegant, simple approach to activate both regions simultaneously through a computerized brain exercise,” says Iacoviello, now an adjunct assistant professor in the psychiatry department at Mount Sinai and a co-developer of Rejoyn. By doing so, they hoped to restore the balance between the circuits and return them to equal footing. “And maybe that would drive some antidepressant effect.”

Rest of article here: You Can Now Treat Depression With an App

[azucena]

Very, very interesting and appreciate you popping in to share. You always share such interesting things!

I was able to download but need prescription. Going to hope my main provider hasn't retired yet bc I think she'd be open to letting me try it knowing my history and that I'm still on meds and attend therapy regularly. Stay tuned.

[finnime]

Agree with azucena, Tennesseer, this is fascinating and makes sense. Restoring balance is a key to effectively fighting depression. Thanks for sharing.

[azucena]

Sent a msg to my primary doc as she's not retiring until yearend. Fingers crossed. Not expecting miracles but could be a great prop during my SAD and would also love to support ongoing depression research.

[finnime]

Ugh. I'm fighting the depression that has swept over me since Tuesday night. This is tough. I know I'm mourning. I felt the same after I processed the shock of my DM dying. I don't want to do anything. It hurts.

[azucena]

I'm fighting it hard too Finn.

I had counseling with pastor yesterday and therapy today. Then going to lean into bonus teen birthday planning for Monday. Our family is getting matching silk pjs to join the party - including DH. Her friends are also getting them.

Posting this here in case some of you choose not to venture into Rae's new politics adjacent thread. Let me know if anyone tries it.


A friend of mine also just sent this fb reel about simulating neurogenic tremors to complete the stress response. She was thinking of it as possibly helping bonus teen, but I'm def going to try it on myself as well.



www.facebook.com/reel/541256892134686

[dannylion]

Nov 7, 2024 16:50:01 GMT -5 finnime said:

Ugh. I'm fighting the depression that has swept over me since Tuesday night. This is tough. I know I'm mourning. I felt the same after I processed the shock of my DM dying. I don't want to do anything. It hurts.

I hope you can find some peace, finnime.  I'm experiencing a sort of generalized existential dread as well.  At some point, I hope that specific issues will crystalize and present goals or opportunities to do something positive so I can feel like I'm contributing to making things better.  But for now, I'm just sad.  

[TheOtherMe]

This has been day 2 of my sadness and anger.  I don't expect it to get better any time soon.

[Pink Cashmere]

The doctor appointment I mentioned I had today in the other thread, was actually with the psychiatrist that is monitoring my meds. She asks a little about my life and issues, but mostly focused on the meds.

When I told her that my blood pressure was probably Hugh because if the phone call I had with my Mom in my way there, she agreed it was likely. But my heart rate was also high, She didn’t recheck either before I left, but looking at the data on my phone via my Apple Watch, my heart settled down and was within Norman and not even the high side of normal while I was talking to her. 

Then I got upset on my way home from my appointment and my heart rate spiked to close to 150, and even though I tried many ways to calm my nerves, it came down to 120, but kept spiking again.

Anyway, we are continuing with the Pristiq, because I do believe it has been helpful. I go back in a month.

[lurkyloo]

Still in the doldrums.  Glad to have my little arsenal of meds.  I don’t think the buspirone is really helping tbh but the psych added celexa for PMDD and wonder of wonders it hasn’t been triggering migraines so hopefully that’s an option for longer term as well.

I suppose it’s an improvement over Tuesday night.  I honestly didn’t see how I was going to go on putting one foot in front of the other at that point.  I still don’t really want to, but it seems at least possible.

[azucena]

Nov 7, 2024 21:19:32 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

The doctor appointment I mentioned I had today in the other thread, was actually with the psychiatrist that is monitoring my meds. She asks a little about my life and issues, but mostly focused on the meds.

When I told her that my blood pressure was probably Hugh because if the phone call I had with my Mom in my way there, she agreed it was likely. But my heart rate was also high, She didn’t recheck either before I left, but looking at the data on my phone via my Apple Watch, my heart settled down and was within Norman and not even the high side of normal while I was talking to her. 

Then I got upset on my way home from my appointment and my heart rate spiked to close to 150, and even though I tried many ways to calm my nerves, it came down to 120, but kept spiking again.

Anyway, we are continuing with the Pristiq, because I do believe it has been helpful. I go back in a month.

Pink - I'm not a doctor, but I'm willing to bet that your bp and heart rate are tied to stress and not some new underlying medical condition that you need to stress and worry over.

I saw that there was another Mister/YD incident. I'd encourage you to write it out and/or share it with someone bc we have to move things from the back reptilian part of our brain through the front by speaking or writing to let ourselves truly process with rational thought to decide if something was really worth our reaction.

For example, I shared the messed up teen going into nut's house story with a friend yesterday, prob the 4th time I've told it out loud after I'd written it out here. Each time, I can feel my emotions settling more towards center like I'm processing it better. I've been working with my therapist to slow down and notice that. My high emotions about it were normal and called for, I was put in an impossible situation. And I couldn't have foreseen that nut would sink that low.

Rooting and praying for you, dear friend! I'm as much your internet cheerleader on this as you have been for me about bonus teen!

[azucena]

Have been frustrated with myself bc I completely messed up the time of DD12's first appt with her new psychiatrist on Weds. Got there 15 mins late and they wouldn't see us even though the waiting room was completely empty and I was standing there holding back tears.

This was an appt we'd waited 4 months for. Next appt is now in Jan. I got in the car and just cried and cried bc I felt like I let her down. She was so sweet and cuddled me and said but mama you never mess up and you take care of so much.

We go see her new therapist today. 15 min virtual intake video call last week was promising. She seemed very relatable for DD and her credentials on paper are so much better than the one DD hasn't liked. The only drawback is she's 30 mins away in traffic and only has school day openings for now.

I forget if I've posted here that school counselor asked that we get DD fully evaluated bc she's suspecting sensory processing disorder more than anxiety with anxiety as the result. I've been playing phone tag on that for two weeks and not hopeful bc local fb groups suggest these appts are months out. Lucked out and got one for early Dec. You guys the appt is from 9 to 5. Bonus teen joked that they might as well do brain surgery lol. DD and I are both hopeful that this appt will put us on the right track. She's been keeping a list of her triggers and other things that might be related and it seems to fit Dr Google. Could lead to a 504 which would really help at school.

Yesterday they had an unexpected fire alarm and she had a panic attack. Last night she exploded about a missing library book - she hasn't done that in several weeks. This morning her stomach hurts so I caved and let her stay home. She didn't fall asleep until 3 am. Before she went back to bed she said I don't think I was upset about the book, I think my nerves were still upset from the fire alarm. Absolutely right, baby.

[Pink Cashmere]

Nov 8, 2024 8:56:40 GMT -5 azucena said:

Nov 7, 2024 21:19:32 GMT -5 Pink Cashmere said:

The doctor appointment I mentioned I had today in the other thread, was actually with the psychiatrist that is monitoring my meds. She asks a little about my life and issues, but mostly focused on the meds.

When I told her that my blood pressure was probably Hugh because if the phone call I had with my Mom in my way there, she agreed it was likely. But my heart rate was also high, She didn’t recheck either before I left, but looking at the data on my phone via my Apple Watch, my heart settled down and was within Norman and not even the high side of normal while I was talking to her. 

Then I got upset on my way home from my appointment and my heart rate spiked to close to 150, and even though I tried many ways to calm my nerves, it came down to 120, but kept spiking again.

Anyway, we are continuing with the Pristiq, because I do believe it has been helpful. I go back in a month.

Pink - I'm not a doctor, but I'm willing to bet that your bp and heart rate are tied to stress and not some new underlying medical condition that you need to stress and worry over.

I saw that there was another Mister/YD incident. I'd encourage you to write it out and/or share it with someone bc we have to move things from the back reptilian part of our brain through the front by speaking or writing to let ourselves truly process with rational thought to decide if something was really worth our reaction.

For example, I shared the messed up teen going into nut's house story with a friend yesterday, prob the 4th time I've told it out loud after I'd written it out here. Each time, I can feel my emotions settling more towards center like I'm processing it better. I've been working with my therapist to slow down and notice that. My high emotions about it were normal and called for, I was put in an impossible situation. And I couldn't have foreseen that nut would sink that low.

Rooting and praying for you, dear friend! I'm as much your internet cheerleader on this as you have been for me about bonus teen!

The whole situation has gotten to be embarrassing to me, and I don’t really want to talk about it IRL, except with my counselor. It has gotten to be embarrassing here too.

But yesterday while I was gone and Mister was at work, the girls’ Mom came over, and inside my house. Keep in mind that the battle where YD elbowed and shoved Mister last summer, was because she wanted her Mom to come over here so YD could do her hair. 

I have personally invited their Mom into my home when there were extenuating circumstances, like celebrating OD graduating high school at the beginning of the beginning, and when the family came over after Mister’s Mom’s funeral. But that does not mean I am okay with her just coming inside my home whenever. Me, as a woman, would NEVER just stroll into the house my children’s Dad shares with his wife, unless I knew for sure that was okay with HER. Just out of respect. But I also can’t see me even wanting to do that in the first place. But clearly I’m an oddball with how I think, in many ways.

So of course that caused a fight with me and Mister because he’s playing crazy like he doesn’t see how they keep playing with me and being disrespectful. And he kept wanting to talk about other stuff instead of the subject at hand. Like me not taking YD to work last week. He said I could’ve done it for him, so he didn’t have to leave work to take her. I said well do something for ME and address your daughter’s disrespectful behavior toward me. He got quiet, so I continued and said you don’t HAVE to leave work and come all the way home to take her to work. She can pay for an Uber. And because I was really mad, I said that boy she is sleeping with can’t even be bothered to give her a ride to work?! That made him mad and he told me to watch my mouth. I asked “am I lying” and he said no, but watch your mouth. I said gtf out of here so I can go to sleep. 

It struck a nerve when I said that, because he’d already noticed that her “boyfriend” doesn’t really do anything but come pick YD up for her to spend the night with him a couple times/week. And now he drops her back off at home just in time for her to take a shower and someone else to come take her to work. Like within 30 minutes. 30 minutes that he could’ve waited and took her himself. He doesn’t come hang out with her or anything like that. When she goes to spend the night with him, maybe he takes her on a “date”, but he usually picks her up late enough that Mister and I both know what that means. She cried all night on her birthday because he was supposed to take her out for her birthday and never showed up and didn’t answer her calls and texts until the next day. I was just calling a spade a spade and speaking on something he already knew, but how dare I say that. Well how dare y’all think Imma just take whatever y’all dish out.

So now OD is here with YD as I type, when OD very rarely comes inside our house. I am sure it is not a coincidence. 

I am done trying to be the bigger person, so whatever happens, happens. 

[azucena]

Aw, pink, all of that is awful. I'm so over men pretending to be clueless.

To even out the embarrassment, mine keeps pretending not to notice that one of our cats is completely peeing everywhere in the spare bedroom. I'm over it bc litter boxes were one of his few consistent jobs and he just can't be bothered anymore so IMO it's entirely on him that the cat doesn't want to pee in a nasty box. I'm being stubborn and not cleaning it all up.

Then one day he decides it's a great idea to close off that room. Cat went and peed on his clothes that are back to being on the floor. I had to chuckle slightly at that.

And we have a housecleaner for $175 every two weeks. This damn man has gotten lazy about Shaving. I wouldn't care except the last 4 cleanings he picks that day to shave after two weeks each of not Shaving. And he doesn't even attempt to clean up after it. Makes me so mad but I've been biting my tongue bc things are bitter here right now. This week DD12 completely called him on it and was like dad why wouldn't you shave before she comes and anyway clean up after yourself and use the vacuum since your version of chores always involves motors. Not respectful but not wrong.

[finnime]

  Pink Cashmere and azucena. And more  .

Living as an adult is hard enough.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I've been looking to take out some misplaced frustration if anyone is interested in me coming by to swing a 2x4 at people's heads.

Pink you go girl. He deserved to have his nuts cut off. You were 100% correct in everything you said.

[thyme4change]

We went to a rock concert last night - kinda punk-rock I guess. I am not sure where the line is. The adrenaline of loud, live music is helpful.

We probably looked like the parents of one of the band members. 🤣🤣 No one seemed to care or even notice. I love Gen Z.

[NoNamePerson]

Nov 12, 2024 9:20:36 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

We went to a rock concert last night - kinda punk-rock I guess. I am not sure where the line is. The adrenaline of loud, live music is helpful.

We probably looked like the parents of one of the band members. 🤣🤣 No one seemed to care or even notice. I love Gen Z.

My son treated me to tickets to Judas Priest for part of Mother's Day present. I figure I had to be the oldest person there. I balked at the price of the t shirts when he asked me what size. I told him I didn't need a t shirt. HIM - well I'm getting you one so you might as well give me the size you want!!  Sorry I got off topic but I do relate to music as sometimes mood changing! 

[empress of self-improvement]

Nov 12, 2024 10:00:27 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

Nov 12, 2024 9:20:36 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

We went to a rock concert last night - kinda punk-rock I guess. I am not sure where the line is. The adrenaline of loud, live music is helpful.

We probably looked like the parents of one of the band members. 🤣🤣 No one seemed to care or even notice. I love Gen Z.

My son treated me to tickets to Judas Priest for part of Mother's Day present. I figure I had to be the oldest person there. I balked at the price of the t shirts when he asked me what size. I told him I didn't need a t shirt. HIM - well I'm getting you one so you might as well give me the size you want!!  Sorry I got off topic but I do relate to music as sometimes mood changing! 

I am so glad I got to go to Ozzfest before Ozzy completely lost his mind. It was great!! Hotter than hell and louder than I would have ever thought possible but Awesome!!

[lurkyloo]

I have no motivation to do anything.  Just kinda going through the motions.  It would be easier I think if work wasn’t completely dead, I am looking for busywork at this point with limited success and it’s taking up precious willpower.  It’s also making me a little nervous that they might end up downsizing someone.  I don’t have the energy to really sell myself at an interview right now though.

[finnime]

 lurkyloo. I know exactly what you mean. THe cyclical nature of projects inevitably leads to an abyss where you were used to having more to do. It's hard to juggle that with depression.

Here's something: the solstice is coming. Just 5 more weeks and the light will turn back.

[lurkyloo]

It’s worse than that.  Our portfolio was cut from 7 projects to 4 and my workload was hit disproportionately hard.  I’ve been low on to-do items since late spring, and a lot of that was having to communicate bad news to people.  We have a fifth project on the horizon that I am leading but it’s been hella slow getting it off the ground and it just got delayed another three weeks.

Meanwhile yesterday’s project team meeting they were kowtowing to my coworker, who suggested we set something up on the data management side…based on something identical I set up a year ago on a now-defunct project.  Little difficult to listen to the team praising him all over the place for his fabulous idea 

[finnime]

I'll be thinking of you, lurkyloo. I hope it all works out.