Battling Depression

[finnime]

This thread is for anyone who is, or loves someone who is, battling depression. There are many of us. Depression is isolating, and this may give you a way to reach out to invisible people with the same struggles. It also has a compromising financial impact, and maybe we can talk about how to address that, too.

[finnime]

This is where I've been, albeit mine is a darker world:

I'm not myself

[TheOtherMe]

Thanks for starting this thread.

Mine is deep and dark.  It has hurt me financially and will for the rest of my days.

[finnime]

Jul 12, 2018 10:45:58 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

Thanks for starting this thread.

Mine is deep and dark.  It has hurt me financially and will for the rest of my days.

Mine, too. It is recurrent. During bouts I can't effectively work or run my life.

I'm submerged right now. What is helping a bit is keeping a daily list of todos.

For today, that includes drinking coffee, walking the dog, doing the dishes and keeping an appointment with my doctor. At day's end I feel not entirely worthless if I've crossed off the listed items.

[buystoys]

Thank you for starting this thread, finnime.  I keep coming back to it, but just can't put my issues into words right now.  That's a sad part of my depression.  I can't separate all the jumble of feelings, thoughts, words, etc.  I will try to post something that is somewhat readable at some point.  Just wanted to let people know that there's another cheerleader here.

[azucena]

Go ahead and post a jumble. It will probably resonate with at least one of us.

[buystoys]

Here goes for a beginning run at it....

Today I saw my therapist.  I see her once a week, but I wonder if I should see her more often.  I've hit my max OOP for the year, so it's not a matter of expense for me right now.  It's more a matter of giving my DH a break from driving me all over.  I haven't driven myself anywhere since late November/early December.  I got to out-patient care one day and had no idea how I got there.  It scared me enough that I asked DH to drive me the next day.  He wanted an explanation, so I told him what had happened.  I haven't driven anywhere since then as DH is concerned about my ability to focus with all the drugs I'm on.

Anyway, my one hour appointment went 1 1/2 hours of me crying.  The whole time.  After I'd already cried while taking my shower.  After I'd already cried while watching Code Black.  Today has been a day of crying.  I hate it when they show up.  I don't know when I'll start.  I can't stop it on my own.  I can be at a store and start crying.  It's embarrassing.  This is one of the things I hate from my SSDI denial.  "You can work."  Sure.  Anyone would be happy to have a 55 year old woman working for you that starts crying for no reason.  It can last ten minutes or two hours.  *sigh*  I hear a phrase in my head that goes along with the "I don't know why she swallowed a fly.  I guess she'll die."  My version is, "I don't know why she started to cry.  I guess she'll die."  Not a happy or pretty picture.

Don't worry.  I'm not actively suicidal.  I get asked that question at least once a week.  If I have a doctor's appointment, they ask.  My therapist asks every visit.  It drives me nuts and part of me just wants to say yes, throw in the towel, and be admitted.  It might just be easier than trying to stay on a semi-even keel.

Well, that's enough babble for now.  I don't want to fill up the screen with my "stuff".  I can't organize my thoughts for coherence or compactness.  I used to be able to do that.

[azucena]

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry that you are fighting such darkness.

I can relate to most of that jumble. I had more than one dr appt in dec where I walked in the door crying. One nice nurse took me directly in and said I can see you're miserable, we will help you as much as we can and refer you out as needed.

My dh helped rotate drivers for me from family and friends. Maybe there is someone else you can ask. That can be hard and embarrassing but one friend confided in me later that my asking meant that she could now ask me for a favor the next time she was depressed. I would never have known that she struggled too.

[haapai]

Okay, I will.  My house is full of to-do lists which I enjoy writing but never complete.  "Put the trash on the curb" and "bathe" are common items and they frequently don't get done despite being the easiest items on the lists.  

Today I did a half-assed job of edging the most visible parts of the lawn that had not been edged in three years.  I consider this a very good and productive day.  No, the edges of the lawn do not look good, but I have widened the sidewalks by half a foot and removed a solid inch of sod that was overgrowing the edges of the sidewalk. For the most part, I have discovered and uncovered the edges of the sidewalk.   If I edge again in the fall, I might be positioned to have smooth edges next spring or summer.  If I fail to edge again this year, I will still have an easier time when I tackle this task again. 

Sound familiar anyone?  This business of setting minimalist goals, failing to complete them, and still doing more than on most days is probably pretty common.  It's just hard to admit to except anonymously and after a prodding. 

Probably the saddest thing about this post is the fact that this counts as  A GOOD AND PRODUCTIVE DAY and therefore I think that I will soon start to feel like myself.  It's kinda bonkers how getting something done two to three years after it should have been done counts as a victory and a reason why I do not need to ask for help. 

End of demonstration of the rambling thought processes of a depressed person. 

[finnime]

buystoys, we're rowing the same boat. I've been forgetting what I'm doing while I'm doing it, have trouble concentrating and unable to string logical thoughts together.

I haven't had the crying jags but kind of wish I could - I'm just flat, alone in my cell.

I do think of ending things but know I will not go there now. I couldn't do that to my DH, DS or DD, and also I think I'd more likely end up seriously handicapped but not actually dead. I read that most people who attempt suicide regret having done so, and are glad to be alive. I believe that. And I know this f-ed up place is not forever; I've been here before.

[finnime]

haapai, yes, very familiar. My list includes drink coffee and walk dog. Both require that I leave bed, so that's a win. I'm impressed with your edging work. Good for you.

[buystoys]

Yeah, haapai, some days just getting out of bed and taking a shower is a win.  I feel ya!

Great job on the edging.  That's a major task that is too easy for me to not finish.  I start things and then just walk away with them partially done.  I'm proud of you for finishing that AND feeling good and productive.  It doesn't matter WHAT you are doing.  If you get that feeling, revel in it!

[Shooby]

I think part of the problem is that we have raised the bar on life so high, that who can meet it?  When i was growing up, I grew up i a very modest house in a modest neighborhood.  Nobody had landscaping.  There were a few hobby gardeners who grew rose bushes and such, but there was no mulching, putting in all kinds of plants, bulbs, etc.  Basically, you just mowed your lawn and that was "taking care of your lawn" back then.  I never saw anyone with chem lawn or doing lawn treatments.  It was just grass.  We played in it, dug up worms, and picked dandelions.  Now, that is no longer enough.  Now we need everything finely manicured, landscaped, edged, mulched, trimmed, and a great outdoor space.  Don't get me wrong, all these things are lovely, but it all requires energy, work and effort to take care of.  Our weekends were sitting in lawn chairs roasting marshmallows on a tiny charcoal hibachi and we thought that was the greatest thing ever.

  And, then we have upgraded everything else in life.  Our homes are bigger.  We expect more.  We want more.  We have more toys, stuff, things to maintain, care for, take care of, service, wash, clean, dismantle, store, etc.  How much stuff do we all have now compared to what our parents had?

  And we all expect more at our careers, from our children and their activities, our vacations and leisure time and on and on.  Then, we wonder why we can't keep up!  And, I think for a lot of us, we can juggle all those balls, for awhile.  Or, maybe there are some high energy folks that can do it all their lives.  But, I think at some point,we burn out a bit.  And, then if there are issues with depression, the expectations of life really magnify that.  Just my opinion.

[finnime]

Insomnia strikes again. It's been a few months now that see me waken in the small hours. Most of the time I surf the net. Sometimes I make a simple food for breakfast later or run laundry. My doctor had prescribed a sleep aid that I forgot to take last night. It should be taking effect soon, now that I've swallowed it.

I see my doctor (a psychiatrist) for both psychotherapy and pharmacotherapy. I know he's a rarity these days when most do only medication management and pair with psychologists or LCSWs for therapy.

My family has a long history of major depression. My 4 siblings all have it to various degrees, although mine is the most severe right now. My two children also suffer it, as do both of my DSis's sons. These bouts are precipitated from that biochemical basis by some events or change in life stage, or sometimes no particular trigger at all. They are worse, more debilitating, as I age. I am grateful for the medications now available to help manage every day, and additional psychotropic meds for acute episodes.

[plugginaway22]

Sending love, hugs, thoughts, positive vibes to you all.  I have not suffered this myself but know and love those who do 

[zibazinski]

Jul 12, 2018 18:00:23 GMT -5 Shooby said:

I think part of the problem is that we have raised the bar on life so high, that who can meet it?  When i was growing up, I grew up i a very modest house in a modest neighborhood.  Nobody had landscaping.  There were a few hobby gardeners who grew rose bushes and such, but there was no mulching, putting in all kinds of plants, bulbs, etc.  Basically, you just mowed your lawn and that was "taking care of your lawn" back then.  I never saw anyone with chem lawn or doing lawn treatments.  It was just grass.  We played in it, dug up worms, and picked dandelions.  Now, that is no longer enough.  Now we need everything finely manicured, landscaped, edged, mulched, trimmed, and a great outdoor space.  Don't get me wrong, all these things are lovely, but it all requires energy, work and effort to take care of.  Our weekends were sitting in lawn chairs roasting marshmallows on a tiny charcoal hibachi and we thought that was the greatest thing ever.

  And, then we have upgraded everything else in life.  Our homes are bigger.  We expect more.  We want more.  We have more toys, stuff, things to maintain, care for, take care of, service, wash, clean, dismantle, store, etc.  How much stuff do we all have now compared to what our parents had?

  And we all expect more at our careers, from our children and their activities, our vacations and leisure time and on and on.  Then, we wonder why we can't keep up!  And, I think for a lot of us, we can juggle all those balls, for awhile.  Or, maybe there are some high energy folks that can do it all their lives.  But, I think at some point,we burn out a bit.  And, then if there are issues with depression, the expectations of life really magnify that.  Just my opinion.

So very true

[buystoys]

My single objective for today is to stay out of bed.

I didn't sleep well last night -- My eyes hurt when I went to bed and I had a stuffy nose headache.  My thoughts were whirling like banshees, so I tried mindful breathing to slow everything down and let it go.  No result.  Then I tried muscle relaxation starting with my toes.  I never moved from my toes.  Once I did get to sleep, I had intense dreams again for the third night this week.  I'm tired.  It's tempting to eat some breakfast and just go back to bed.  If I do that, though, I know I won't get up until noonish and I won't do anything today.  If I take a nap after lunch, I'll get up around 4 and not make dinner (again) tonight. 

I just hate this.  I hate the days where my life seems to revolve around fighting to stay out of bed.  It shouldn't be this difficult.

[TheOtherMe]

I did sleep last night, but I had disturbing dreams that woke me up twice.

My depression first hit when I was in 5th grade so had nothing to do with societal expectations.  Chemical imbalances in the brain are the root cause of my problems.

Today's medications are so much better than the ones of long ago.  Today's medications allow me to function.  That is when I get stupid and decide I am fine and do not need them.  Then I once again learn the hard lesson that is not true.

So far today, I have gotten out of bed, fed the cat and emptied the dehumidifier.  After the strange dreams, I'm sure a nap is in my future.

It's too hot and humid for me to go outside so I hibernate.  At least the sun is shining.

[finnime]

Well, I drank coffee and walked the dog. I got out of bed to do both. Hibernation sounds perfect now, from the heat and from the world.

[buystoys]

I'm giving up and going back to bed.  I did have coffee, eat breakfast, clean up the kitchen, and started the dishwasher.  I'll deal with the chicken (dinner) when I get up.

[thyme4change]

Has anyone eliminated processed foods as part of management of depression. I did a week of clean, and felt great, but it was a lot of work, and there are so many variables. It is hard to do all the things you are supposed to do to battle depression, because depression keeps you from doing those things!

[Chocolate Lover]

Jul 13, 2018 6:14:44 GMT -5 plugginaway22 said:

Sending love, hugs, thoughts, positive vibes to you all.  I have not suffered this myself but know and love those who do 

I have no idea if any of you have the energy to look, but if you do, The Bloggess has been suffering along with you and is very honest and usually funny about all her experiences. A little more of you're not alone in this is always good, right? 


thebloggess.com/

ETA: I guess I should put a language warning out there too, just in case.

[finnime]

I haven't found that eating well really impacts my depression, but have noticed I really crave crap carbs when I'm in the rough. I try to eat well anyway. I cook most of our meals, although they're very simple lately. Can't keep track of more complicated stuff. Lots of whole fruits and veg and a protein. Often it seems like just chewing and chewing and no pleasure in it.

[Peace77]

In the same boat with you Finnime.

I don't think I could cry even if the saddest thing happened,
Except maybe it is a sad thing that what's left of my family wants nothing to do with me. I found out that Dad had a stroke last week and no one told me until 8 days later.

[finnime]

That is sad, Peace77. I'm sorry.

[buystoys]

I'm so sorry for you Peace77.  Big hugs coming at you.

I grilled chicken for dinner tonight.  DH made the sides and cleaned up dinner dishes.  I need to make coffee and take my pills.  Even with a long nap, I'm so tired I'm ready to fall asleep.  I'll probably go to bed in an hour or so and then be awake until 11 tonight.  As soon as I lie down at night, I can't seem to get to sleep.  And I do take sleep aids, so I wonder if they need to be increased again.

No tears today, so that's a win.  Small victories.  Baby steps.  I keep telling myself that moving forward, even if it's at a snail's pace, is what matters.

[finnime]

DH is outside with Franklin the Dog and I'm in bed. I really want to be alone. People and dogs right now irritate me. Too much effort to engage using energy I just don't have right now. Expectations are draining.

Got very little done today, except I did get DH to his medical appointment and picked up his prescriptions afterward. He's been having a lot of pain in his hip, so has had trouble ambulating. If I just focus on 5 minute increments I can at least help him with that. It is exhausting.

[Peace77]

Thanks for suggesting theBloggess.com
The story about the beer was a hoot and I don't even drink beer.

[Shooby]

Just remember, everyone dies with their Inbox full.  There are always going to be things in our lives that are left undone and that's ok.  Really focus in on what is important to you and your life.  To heck with other people's expectations.

[TheOtherMe]

Peace77         

You should have been told about your dad's stroke.

Everything takes so much effort.  If you have never been depressed, you have no idea how it feels.  No idea of the exhaustion or lack of energy.

My depression has nothing to do with expectations.  It is a chemical imbalance in my brain that I will live with for the rest of the life.

The goal is to make my life tolerable.