Slowly Going Back Into Debt (Update/Trigger Warning #420)

[wvugurl26]

So sorry shanen. I hope you can find peace with it somehow. I can't imagine.

[suesinfl]

Shane, I am so sorry. I can't even imagine the pain and stress your family has been going through for the last year. I wish everyone the best and hope that all can/will receive therapy.

[shanendoah]

For the record, I am in counseling and have been for over a year now. C was also in counseling, though that won't continue while he is serving his time.

Poptart - For the record, I think I nicknamed her Pop Tart long before I ever saw you on the boards. (And the nickname was actually a code that we'd come up with friends for FB purposes.)
As for your questions, let me just say you aren't the first person to think of them. However, they aren't questions I am going to address here. This is a very complex and complicated case, with many more facets than I have mentioned here (or ever will, because they are part of Pop Tart's story). As I've already said, I am very aware that returning to me may not be the best option for my Pop Tart. But there are also circumstances where it would be. Right now, I am doing my best, as her mother, who loves her no matter what, to fight for what I believe is best for her. I will continue to be in her corner the rest of her life. She has never had an adult in her life stick by her when the going got difficult. I will not be just one more person who walks away.


I guess one of the other things I wanted to bring up was how everyone was talking about how C should have gone and gotten a job. During the last year, he had a general no contact order with all children. So to find a job, he would have had to find one that would have hired him with the charges hanging over his head, was flexible around the multiple court dates, and could guarantee no contact with children. There just aren't really those options.

I also feel like I should say, that no matter how much I hate going back into debt, I am still in a better financial place than I have been for most of my adult life. So I'll keep making a plan for how to get through this. But a lot of the legal expenses will be going away now so I'll be able to better focus on paying off the debt and less on the things that are accruing more debt.

[raeoflyte]

You are an amazing person Shane.  I'm sorry you are all going through this and am thinking about you and your family.  

[Works4me]

I am so sorry that all of  you are going through this.
Please know that I continue to support you and your family.
You have handled all of this as well as it could be handled.
Again, I am just so sorry.

[Deleted]

shanendoah, I agree with everyone else that you have been awesome throughout this.

I am puzzled, though, as to how you straddle the fence on this.  

I am not going to judge or try to give you a lot of advice.  I don't know what happened, and it is a really tough situation.  But you are asking too much of both C and Poptart.  

Money is the least of your problems, which you know.

You may not appreciate prayers, but you are in mine, anyway.

[flamingo]

What an untenable position to be in. I am so sorry for all involved. I know we only see what you want us to see, but I have to say, I admire your grace in this situation. I don't think I could come across so calm and dignified in this situation. 

Best wishes to you. I hope you find some peace soon.

[TheOtherMe]

I think you've been very brave to come here with your story. I cant imagine all that you are dealing with and have been dealing with for the last year.


Agree 100%.  

[Sharon]

Shane I hope you will be able to take some time now to do some self care for you.  You have been under incredible stress this year and now that there is a resolution of sorts some of that unending stress will be easing.  If you are able to get away from everything, even for a few days it may help.  It may be something as simple a hotel out of town where you spend the entire weekend in bed sleeping, but it would get you out of the environment and give you a chance to start to heal.

[tcu2003]

Shan, I can't begin to imagine what you are going through. My thoughts and prayers are with you, C and Poptart. I have no clue how you go about picking up the pieces and moving forward, but I know somehow you'll find a way.

[Opti]

This is a very complex and complicated case, with many more facets than I have mentioned here (or ever will, because they are part of Pop Tart's story). As I've already said, I am very aware that returning to me may not be the best option for my Pop Tart. But there are also circumstances where it would be. Right now, I am doing my best, as her mother, who loves her no matter what, to fight for what I believe is best for her. I will continue to be in her corner the rest of her life. She has never had an adult in her life stick by her when the going got difficult. I will not be just one more person who walks away.

Shane, I know it must be hard that's its come to this. That all the money and effort you have put into Poptart led to this moment. But I am going to disagree with your desire to stay in her life. She wants to leave. I don't think you are helping her by not letting her go. If she falsely accused both of you, she didn't just do it for the drama. She wants to go. And if you don't let her go she would have to escalate to something else like perhaps literally burning down your house. And if there is any measurable truth to her accusations against C it would be cruel to keep her.

You may be right that this path she has chosen for herself is likely to go badly. But it is a choice she wants and she deserves to have it and see where it leads. I really feel for C if these accusations are false. He's apparently made the decision to save you as a couple money and be branded for life and spending time in jail. What a horrible, horrible place to be. I wish for you the ability to let Poptart go and support C. Sometimes really bad things happen to good people trying to do the right thing. Its not uncommon that one cannot fix issues that occurred way before you came on the scene. I feel like Poptart and the universe are telling you to walk away. I hope you do, for all your sakes.

[Opti]

Aug 9, 2017 13:43:46 GMT -5 @anne81 said:

We were obviously failing her in some way we could not even fathom.

I think it's natural to feel that way but maybe not true.  The difficulties in raising children from a shattered background are profound and there isn't usually a lot of guidance. A close relative of mine was sexually and physically abused by her father and step-mother.  When she was removed by CPS from the household and went to live with her mother and step-father she accused him of sexually abusing her.  It was possibly true but she also had a history of sex abuse and lying (a survival skill she desperately needed as a child).  Eventually she went to live with our grandmother.

Hugs and hoping for the best outcome for each of you.

I think it can be very hard at times to acknowledge there are situations we cannot fix. Because we want to fix it and make it better.

[gs11rmb]

Aug 10, 2017 2:07:45 GMT -5 Opti said:

This is a very complex and complicated case, with many more facets than I have mentioned here (or ever will, because they are part of Pop Tart's story). As I've already said, I am very aware that returning to me may not be the best option for my Pop Tart. But there are also circumstances where it would be. Right now, I am doing my best, as her mother, who loves her no matter what, to fight for what I believe is best for her. I will continue to be in her corner the rest of her life. She has never had an adult in her life stick by her when the going got difficult. I will not be just one more person who walks away.

Shane, I know it must be hard that's its come to this. That all the money and effort you have put into Poptart led to this moment. But I am going to disagree with your desire to stay in her life. She wants to leave. I don't think you are helping her by not letting her go. If she falsely accused both of you, she didn't just do it for the drama. She wants to go. And if you don't let her go she would have to escalate to something else like perhaps literally burning down your house. And if there is any measurable truth to her accusations against C it would be cruel to keep her.

You may be right that this path she has chosen for herself is likely to go badly. But it is a choice she wants and she deserves to have it and see where it leads. I really feel for C if these accusations are false. He's apparently made the decision to save you as a couple money and be branded for life and spending time in jail. What a horrible, horrible place to be. I wish for you the ability to let Poptart go and support C. Sometimes really bad things happen to good people trying to do the right thing. Its not uncommon that one cannot fix issues that occurred way before you came on the scene. I feel like Poptart and the universe are telling you to walk away. I hope you do, for all your sakes.

But Pop Tart is shanendoah's child.  A mother doesn't just let her daughter go.  That comment made me very sad for many reasons but one is the underlying assumption that because this girl was adopted she isn't shan's 'real' child and can therefore, simply be discarded.  Pop Tart is clearly desperately troubled and needs help.  That's not to say that going back to Shanendoah's house is what is for the best but how can being abandoned by her mother possibly help?  

I can't even begin to imagine what this family is going through and I have no advice to offer but I hope you all find peace.

[Deleted]

I don't know what I'd do.  It's kind of a lose-lose.

[andi9899]

Aug 10, 2017 7:46:51 GMT -5 gs11rmb said:

Aug 10, 2017 2:07:45 GMT -5 Opti said:

Shane, I know it must be hard that's its come to this. That all the money and effort you have put into Poptart led to this moment. But I am going to disagree with your desire to stay in her life. She wants to leave. I don't think you are helping her by not letting her go. If she falsely accused both of you, she didn't just do it for the drama. She wants to go. And if you don't let her go she would have to escalate to something else like perhaps literally burning down your house. And if there is any measurable truth to her accusations against C it would be cruel to keep her.

You may be right that this path she has chosen for herself is likely to go badly. But it is a choice she wants and she deserves to have it and see where it leads. I really feel for C if these accusations are false. He's apparently made the decision to save you as a couple money and be branded for life and spending time in jail. What a horrible, horrible place to be. I wish for you the ability to let Poptart go and support C. Sometimes really bad things happen to good people trying to do the right thing. Its not uncommon that one cannot fix issues that occurred way before you came on the scene. I feel like Poptart and the universe are telling you to walk away. I hope you do, for all your sakes.

But Pop Tart is shanendoah's child.  A mother doesn't just let her daughter go.  That comment made me very sad for many reasons but one is the underlying assumption that because this girl was adopted she isn't shan's 'real' child and can therefore, simply be discarded.  Pop Tart is clearly desperately troubled and needs help.  That's not to say that going back to Shanendoah's house is what is for the best but how can being abandoned by her mother possibly help?  

I can't even begin to imagine what this family is going through and I have no advice to offer but I hope you all find peace.

Exactly! She adopted this child. She didn't just get what God gave her, she chose her. There is a bond there that can't just be thrown away. Family doesn't just throw away family. I shudder to thing what I would do if one of my girls did this, but I couldn't just walk away. I love them and will always love them. And I just got what God gave me. I don't mean to make that sound like it's any less of a beautiful thing. It's not as easy as you make it sound. Perhaps you don't have any children and can't truly understand. There is no greater bond I'm this world than mother and child. When you're a mom you do whatever you can to help your child. Husbands (not meaning to trivialize C) can come and go, your children are your life. At least, mine are to me.

[emma1420]

I'm so sorry, and I think you are very brave to be willing to share.   I can't imagine the choice that you now face, and given the restraining order, it does sound like you may need to choose.

I am so incredibly sorry.  I cannot begin to imagine how painful this must be.  I'm glad that you are working with a therapist, and I hope that you find a way to move forward.

[Opti]

Aug 10, 2017 7:46:51 GMT -5 gs11rmb said:

Aug 10, 2017 2:07:45 GMT -5 Opti said:

Shane, I know it must be hard that's its come to this. That all the money and effort you have put into Poptart led to this moment. But I am going to disagree with your desire to stay in her life. She wants to leave. I don't think you are helping her by not letting her go. If she falsely accused both of you, she didn't just do it for the drama. She wants to go. And if you don't let her go she would have to escalate to something else like perhaps literally burning down your house. And if there is any measurable truth to her accusations against C it would be cruel to keep her.

You may be right that this path she has chosen for herself is likely to go badly. But it is a choice she wants and she deserves to have it and see where it leads. I really feel for C if these accusations are false. He's apparently made the decision to save you as a couple money and be branded for life and spending time in jail. What a horrible, horrible place to be. I wish for you the ability to let Poptart go and support C. Sometimes really bad things happen to good people trying to do the right thing. Its not uncommon that one cannot fix issues that occurred way before you came on the scene. I feel like Poptart and the universe are telling you to walk away. I hope you do, for all your sakes.

But Pop Tart is shanendoah's child.  A mother doesn't just let her daughter go.  That comment made me very sad for many reasons but one is the underlying assumption that because this girl was adopted she isn't shan's 'real' child and can therefore, simply be discarded.  Pop Tart is clearly desperately troubled and needs help.  That's not to say that going back to Shanendoah's house is what is for the best but how can being abandoned by her mother possibly help?  

I can't even begin to imagine what this family is going through and I have no advice to offer but I hope you all find peace.

I am not happy you assumed my logic had anything to do with Poptart being adopted or not. This is not a misguided 5 year old that is saying these things just for the drama. I think the difference in our views might be because I am trying to understand from Poptart's POV. I don't see her as someone crying out for help begging to stay in the family. I see her as someone begging to be let out. Abiding by someone's wishes to be free is not abandoning them. It is honoring their decision.

I don't remember what many posters do so I had to look up old threads to find out Poptart is likely 13 or 14 years old now. And I wonder if part of it is some think C should be discarded because they feel he is a lazy  SAHD. Would posters be advocating for Shane to stay in her life if it was her accused and looking at jail time and C exonerated of physical abuse charges?

Here's a wonderful quote from a former thread I reread part of-

Honestly, pure relief, because it means he also recognizes that this is NOT working, and honestly, isn't that a skill we want all the kids in our lives to develop, an ability to recognize when a relationship (of any sort) just isn't working.

ymam.proboards.com/post/2106296

[shanendoah]

How can I straddle the fence? I have asked myself this question a million times. And it goes back to - if I do X, can I live with myself? I am caught between the two people I love most in this world. I cannot stop loving either one of them. It doesn't work that way. I cannot choose to abandon someone who did nothing wrong, nor can I choose to abandon someone who is making a very loud (though not very clear) cry for help and understanding.
Please remember that Pop Tart is a tween - not exactly an age known for great decision making skills, or even being able to put into words what it is they really want. In addition, she is a tween who has experienced significant trauma in her early years, which has effected her emotional growth, which has a direct impact on her decision making and reasoning skills.
She also has a history of things get difficult, so someone leaves. Not a history of things get hard to so we talk about them and try to work through them. Every time (prior to this) things got difficult in a family she was in, an adult decided to leave or that Pop Tart should leave. That's how her life has always worked. It's the map she's following. That doesn't make it a good map.

As for what I am asking of C... I'm not. Here's the thing about unconditional love, it is, in fact, unconditional. He still loves Pop Tart, too. Her best interest still factors very highly in his decision making. We have talked about me just walking away. It would be so much easier for both of us. It doesn't make it the right decision (at least right now). Nor does that make it a decision either of us could live with.

Please remember that I am working with a social worker, a very experienced family court lawyer, and a therapist. I also spent 4 months with a therapist who specializes in trauma. If it's a question you have, I can guarantee you it's a question I've either had myself or had brought to me by one of the professionals I am working with.

Pop Tart has never really thought of me as her mom. We think she did think of C as her dad (which is why she lashed out at him harder, the perceived betrayal being that much worse). But regardless of how she thinks of us, to us she is our daughter. We will continue to fight for what is best for her, in the best way we know how.

I am not claiming to be perfect. Goodness knows that would be a lie. And this entire process is a struggle. And I can't say that I am going to make the absolute right decision every time. However, I am trying to make the decisions that I honestly believe are best for Pop Tart in the long run (because that's the other thing about being a parent - yes I care about this next year, the next 5 years, but I also care about the next 20 years, the next 50 years of her life, and that alters some decisions). Many times, it doesn't matter what my decisions are. Being in dependency means that the state gets to override my decisions whenever they feel like it. So it remains a struggle.

---

I want to be clear, I am talking about this here for the same reasons I came to this board (back in the microsoft days) to begin with. There are things society has declared taboo that I honestly believe should not be taboo. Talking about money, talking about mental health, talking about sexual harassment/assault/abuse, and that there are more sides to every story than we are ever presented with. 
So I am willing to share and talk to a point. But none of you are ever going to know all the details. Even if we'd gone to trial, the jury wouldn't have gotten all the details because courts don't allow all the details to be presented. I know as much as someone who is not Pop Tart or C can know. And my decisions are going to be based on what I know and what I think is the best course of action, not what anyone on this board thinks.
I knew there would be people who had trouble with my decisions. That's why I gave a trigger warning and mentioned that if you want to stop following me, it you want to block me, that's fine. I understand that. 
But if you choose to keep following this, know that your opinions about how I handle my family relationships matter very little to me.

(And now I have to run off to a work meeting, because I cope by putting one foot in front of the other, and work is good for me.)

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Good luck whatever you decide Shane.   This is one of those things I mentioned on YM when people like to insist that they are so control of everything and perfect that anything bad happens it's the fault of whoever it happened to.  You don't know how you will react or behave in this type of situation until it's presented to you.   I admire you for being able to put one foot in front of the other cause I likely would have curled up and died by now.

[chen35]

I know you don't need my opinion, but I don't see how you could possibly do anything different than what you are doing. You and C will make the best choices you can, out of a list of choices that suck. You're getting help from all the right places. I am astounded by your strength and grace in this situation.

[andi9899]

Aug 10, 2017 10:41:34 GMT -5 Opti said:

Aug 10, 2017 7:46:51 GMT -5 gs11rmb said:

But Pop Tart is shanendoah's child.  A mother doesn't just let her daughter go.  That comment made me very sad for many reasons but one is the underlying assumption that because this girl was adopted she isn't shan's 'real' child and can therefore, simply be discarded.  Pop Tart is clearly desperately troubled and needs help.  That's not to say that going back to Shanendoah's house is what is for the best but how can being abandoned by her mother possibly help?  

I can't even begin to imagine what this family is going through and I have no advice to offer but I hope you all find peace.

I am not happy you assumed my logic had anything to do with Poptart being adopted or not. This is not a misguided 5 year old that is saying these things just for the drama. I think the difference in our views might be because I am trying to understand from Poptart's POV. I don't see her as someone crying out for help begging to stay in the family. I see her as someone begging to be let out. Abiding by someone's wishes to be free is not abandoning them. It is honoring their decision.

I don't remember what many posters do so I had to look up old threads to find out Poptart is likely 13 or 14 years old now. And I wonder if part of it is some think C should be discarded because they feel he is a lazy  SAHD. Would posters be advocating for Shane to stay in her life if it was her accused and looking at jail time and C exonerated of physical abuse charges?

Here's a wonderful quote from a former thread I reread part of-

Honestly, pure relief, because it means he also recognizes that this is NOT working, and honestly, isn't that a skill we want all the kids in our lives to develop, an ability to recognize when a relationship (of any sort) just isn't working.

ymam.proboards.com/post/2106296

Shan is still her mother. You don't quit on your kid's no matter how old they are. Poptart is not at an age where she is capable of making life changing decisions. Shan wants what's best for her because she's her mother. She's trying to figure out what that is. It may be to rehome Poptart. It may not be. It's definitely not something that someone takes lightly or decides without some serious soul searching.

[andi9899]

I find it amusing that a song just came on my Pandora shuffle that was about how you'll never find a greater love than that of a mother. It's in Spanish, but the song is Amor de Amores by Los Angeles Azules if anyone cares to look it up. I don't know how to post videos from my phone.

[Miss Tequila]

Aug 10, 2017 10:41:34 GMT -5 Opti said:

Aug 10, 2017 7:46:51 GMT -5 gs11rmb said:

But Pop Tart is shanendoah's child.  A mother doesn't just let her daughter go.  That comment made me very sad for many reasons but one is the underlying assumption that because this girl was adopted she isn't shan's 'real' child and can therefore, simply be discarded.  Pop Tart is clearly desperately troubled and needs help.  That's not to say that going back to Shanendoah's house is what is for the best but how can being abandoned by her mother possibly help?  

I can't even begin to imagine what this family is going through and I have no advice to offer but I hope you all find peace.

I am not happy you assumed my logic had anything to do with Poptart being adopted or not. This is not a misguided 5 year old that is saying these things just for the drama. I think the difference in our views might be because I am trying to understand from Poptart's POV. I don't see her as someone crying out for help begging to stay in the family. I see her as someone begging to be let out. Abiding by someone's wishes to be free is not abandoning them. It is honoring their decision.

I don't remember what many posters do so I had to look up old threads to find out Poptart is likely 13 or 14 years old now. And I wonder if part of it is some think C should be discarded because they feel he is a lazy  SAHD. Would posters be advocating for Shane to stay in her life if it was her accused and looking at jail time and C exonerated of physical abuse charges?

Here's a wonderful quote from a former thread I reread part of-

Honestly, pure relief, because it means he also recognizes that this is NOT working, and honestly, isn't that a skill we want all the kids in our lives to develop, an ability to recognize when a relationship (of any sort) just isn't working.

ymam.proboards.com/post/2106296

As a mom, I can assure you whether my kid wants out or not, it ain't happening.  Kids run away every day of the week because they want out.  As a parent, does that mean I don't go searching for them?  At the end of the day, my obligation lies with my child.  If I have to choose between a man or my child, my child wins hands down.  The moment I chose to bring my children into this world, their needs trump mine.   

[Lizard Queen]

I wouldn't know what to do in this situation either. All I know is that it does more harm than good to shield people from the consequences of their actions. I don't mean punishment, but not to excuse completely either.

[Deleted]

Aug 10, 2017 11:43:01 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

Aug 10, 2017 10:41:34 GMT -5 Opti said:

I am not happy you assumed my logic had anything to do with Poptart being adopted or not. This is not a misguided 5 year old that is saying these things just for the drama. I think the difference in our views might be because I am trying to understand from Poptart's POV. I don't see her as someone crying out for help begging to stay in the family. I see her as someone begging to be let out. Abiding by someone's wishes to be free is not abandoning them. It is honoring their decision.

I don't remember what many posters do so I had to look up old threads to find out Poptart is likely 13 or 14 years old now. And I wonder if part of it is some think C should be discarded because they feel he is a lazy  SAHD. Would posters be advocating for Shane to stay in her life if it was her accused and looking at jail time and C exonerated of physical abuse charges?

Here's a wonderful quote from a former thread I reread part of-

Honestly, pure relief, because it means he also recognizes that this is NOT working, and honestly, isn't that a skill we want all the kids in our lives to develop, an ability to recognize when a relationship (of any sort) just isn't working.

ymam.proboards.com/post/2106296

As a mom, I can assure you whether my kid wants out or not, it ain't happening.  Kids run away every day of the week because they want out.  As a parent, does that mean I don't go searching for them?  At the end of the day, my obligation lies with my child.  If I have to choose between a man or my child, my child wins hands down.  The moment I chose to bring my children into this world, their needs trump mine.   

But in this situation walking away from her husband seems pretty shitty too. 

[Miss Tequila]

Aug 10, 2017 11:56:31 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

Aug 10, 2017 11:43:01 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

As a mom, I can assure you whether my kid wants out or not, it ain't happening.  Kids run away every day of the week because they want out.  As a parent, does that mean I don't go searching for them?  At the end of the day, my obligation lies with my child.  If I have to choose between a man or my child, my child wins hands down.  The moment I chose to bring my children into this world, their needs trump mine.   

But in this situation walking away from her husband seems pretty shitty too. 

I don't disagree...but if she gave birth to poptart would we all want her to put up for adoption?  Because my understanding is that he will never be allowed back in that house if she is there (and I'm not a lawyer so I will definitely stand corrected if that is wrong). 

I can only come at it from the other direction.  If I were the one that was not allowed contact with my child, I would never want to stay with my husband and force my child into foster care.  What is best for me no longer matters.  It is the child that matters. 

[Miss Tequila]

Aug 10, 2017 12:11:44 GMT -5 @sroo4 said:

Personally I don't think anyone besides Shan has any place to offer an opinion on this situation.   We don't know all the details and this is such a devastating situation very few, if any, here have walked in her shoes.


 

Are you new here??lol I do agree with you...it is human nature to go on about what we would do in her shoes. But we aren't in her shoes.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

People condemned a pediatrician here for "turning in his own father, you don't do that to family" when it came out that his dad had been sexually abusing his 4 year old daughter.   It's really easy to smugly sit online and say that you know how you'd handle it, but you don't. I can't even imagine being in the position where my child comes to me and says grandpa has been touching her.

 That's just not something that comes up in dinner table conversation.  That's not something they teach you in home Ec class.

And those charges were legit, the granddaughter wasn't his only victim.

I really can't fathom being in Shane's position.  I tried but my heart/head hurt so much I quit.   Like I said I probably would have shriveled up and died at the beginning of it all.

[buystoys]

shanendoah, my heart goes out to you, C, and Poptart.  You are all in my prayers that you receive what you most need right now.

I've not been in your shoes, but I watched my sister and BIL go through a heart wrenching attempt to adopt one of their foster children.  She was placed with them three separate times.  Each time, the state refused to remove any of her mother's rights.  My sister told the court appointed guardian that the third attempt would be the final attempt.  They finally gave up as the guardian finally told them that she (and therefore the state) would never terminate the mother's rights and that my sister and BIL would never have full custody or even guardianship of this child.  My sister was heart broken to have to walk away from a child who was so much a part of their lives and that they loved dearly. 

I hope all three of you can find a path through this that brings you to a happy, healthy relationship all around.  Hugs to you and C for your commitment to this child.

[shanendoah]

Opti - Believe it or not, I totally understand your point of view, and I even remember writing the above quote and what it was written about. And I still agree with it. But this is an incredibly different situation than the one that was being referenced above. Again, there is more to this situation than I can explain here. And again, I recognize that it may never be in Pop Tart's best interest to come back to live with me. That is absolutely NOT the same thing as it is in her best interest for me to walk out of her life completely. And I can tell you right now, that not a single expert that has been involved in this case, thinks it would be in Pop Tart's best interest for me to walk away completely. Even the one that decided I'm a terrible, selfish person, with deep unrecognized psychological issues, and thinks I should let someone else adopt Pop Tart, also thinks it is in Pop Tart's best interest for me to remain in her life in some capacity.
The fight I am in in regard to family court is not actually a fight about where Pop Tart lives, at least for me. It is about what is in Pop Tart's best interests. And there's a lot of stuff happening on that front that cannot be talked about here, that put us up in the air. There are ways this could fall out where what is in her best interest is just to have visits with me once a month or so. But there are also ways it could fall out that what is in her best interest is to move back in with me. This is not a binary situation. There are a number of factors involved, including what Pop Tart wants - she's old enough to have her own lawyer, so her wishes are represented in court - but also the realities of what it means to be a tween/teen in state care, all combined with recommendations from her therapist(s). And time. Because things change. And what the decision is for today is not necessarily what the decision for tomorrow will be.