Rude or not rude

[whoisjohngalt]

OK, so do we have an update yet??

threads like this one HAVE TO have an update, right??

[NoNamePerson]

Jun 21, 2016 18:17:32 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

OK, so do we have an update yet??

threads like this one HAVE TO have an update, right??

I'm thinking drama at Christmas time maybe? But we can hope for 4th of July drama  Although I can't imagine what someone can do on 4th to make things a game changer but I get surprised all the time on the these boards!!!!!

[billisonboard]

Jun 21, 2016 17:58:26 GMT -5 debthaven said:

No offense, but I'm not really interested in arguing about this anymore. I don't expect either of us to change our minds.

Best.

Certainly no offense taken. I would just ask that you not take offense that I still want to argue it and will offer rebuttal to comments made.

[hoops902]

Jun 21, 2016 17:01:07 GMT -5 debthaven said:

I mean we all know you've certainly invited your friends to occasions without inviting everyone's significant others

Absolutely! But it's either everyone's significant others, or no one's. Never some but not others. It's inclusive or it's exclusive (of whoever, kids, SOs, whatever) but it's not Menu A for some participants and Menu B for others.

I have absolutely nothing against a child spending time with one parent but not the other, it's important, we absolutely do that too (which is something I meant to post to JustMe but I got busy). But on this occasion, the OP was visibly excluded from something, and her feelings were hurt. She's entitled to her feelings, although I agree it's totally counterproductive to enact any sort of "revenge".

Sometimes I meet my adult kid(s) alone for lunch, sometimes my DH does (and he's not even their bio dad, although he raised them from a young age). Sometimes they end up with an extra ticket to something and one or the other of us goes, usually DH, because I'm lazy about going out late and DH sets his own hours so he's always up for it. But our kids have never purposely purchased one ticket rather than two for an event we'd both enjoy, unless they ask the other if they'd like to go (without telling the recipient of the gift), in which case the other pays for their own ticket.

Nobody's feelings have EVER been hurt. We have both "together" time, and "alone" time with our kids. But none of our kids have ever invited just one of us to an outing the other or both of us would have enjoyed, and excluded the other.

Once again, if the kids are a unit and allowed to do something together, the parents are too. You can have it one way or the other, but not both. You can't say "the kids are a unit and they invited just the dad" without acknowledging that if the newly engaged couple is a unit, surely the long-married couple is too. Otherwise that's just hypocritical.

JMO of course. I'm really very live and let live, whatever works. But this obviously didn't work for the OP. We're both glad our kids do it the way they do.

I agree with the "menu A, menu B" thing.  It would certainly be rude to invite my dad, my mom, and your dad, but not your mom.  People fit into different categories though.  You're a married couple.  you're a husband.  You're a father, you're a son, you're etc, etc.  In this case...children planned it and invited father.  They didn't invite some mothers but not others.  

I agree parents are ALLOWED to do things together, one just didn't fit into these particular plans.  I see it as akin your adult daughter having a birthday.  It's ok for both parents to take her out to dinner without inviting all the siblings...kids can sometimes be a unit for things which reasonably group them, and individuals when they do not.  If they were celebrating "parent day" and mom didn't get a game ticket and got nothing else but a big middle finger...certainly rude.  I also think tradition matters.  Traditionally, father's day is a day to celebrate fathers and their children...

I think you can easily say "in this case kids are a unit, because father's day is a day for fathers and for kids".  On Christmas, you certainly can't say "these two engaged folks are a unit, but the married folks are not".  The day does drive the context.  The kids are a unit on father's day because they share something to bind them...the father.  The day itself acts to separate the married couple...it's to honor only one of them specifically.  

Obviously I lean more toward the idea that people should just be able to spend time with whoever they want and not worry about people being offended by it (I understand feeling sad, wishing you could participate in something that sounds fun to you, but honestly, I simply can't even understand finding it rude...the whole thing honestly perplexes me which is probably why I find it interesting).

[Chocolate Lover]

Jun 21, 2016 16:36:30 GMT -5 hoops902 said:

Jun 21, 2016 16:21:32 GMT -5 Chocolate Lover said:

My question is this: Dad gets a gathering AND tickets to a game. Mom got pizza. Was that it? Maybe she feels slighted in that way, but hasn't realized that's what it is.

Either way, be very careful how you react. Don't let it get all blown out of proportion. My coworker's parents haven't spoken to her in over 20 years because of some perceived slight the last time they visited. They live a few states away and they have refused to answer the door if she makes the trip out. (visits her sister but always tries with the parents) That's just sad for all involved. 

Yes, he gets both a gathering and a gift...that doesn't seem that unusual though...does it?

Not unusual UNLESS Mom's gift was pizza at the gathering for her day. If she got a gift of decent "value" (not necessarily monetary alone) then it is a bit of overreaction. I can still see why she'd wonder why she didn't get invited though.

[Kolt!]

The people that consider this rude because the fiancee was invited and not the other and just take it as a "significant other" kind of makes me sad.

I don't know I guess in my family most of the time the person married to their child is considered an "adopted child" of the sorts. Therefore, this would be two kids giving their father a gift. It wouldn't be considered "Two couples going out together and excluding one part of a couple" it would be just two children taking their dad out. 

I guess I'm just glad my family considers children's husbands and wives as their own children just adopted into the family. 

[zibazinski]

I'm glad that I can have dinner with DS without his girlfriend and I can have lunch with her without DS. Plus, I can have dinner or breakfast with both of them. No ones panties get in a wad. She purposely is "busy" probably every other time I ask them to dinner. Giving us mother/son time.