Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Jun 19, 2016 23:21:46 GMT -5
Last night we celebrated Father's Day for my husband due to everyone's schedule. No big deal. My daughter and her fiance came over for dinner. Their gift to my husband was tickets to a MLB game....3 tickets- daughter, fiance, my husband. I was more than shocked, but hid it well. Don't you think they should have gotten me a ticket? Or if money was an issue (probably), don't you think my daughter should have asked me if I wanted to buy a ticket when they ordered them? I don't know what they bought for his father, but will find out. Not to compare gifts, but to see if they excluded his mom from an event. I highly doubt it. I want to call my daughter and say that my husband and I want to take HER to dinner, no fiance. We would never do that! If just my daughter was taking her dad out, it wouldn't bother me. But the three of them ?!!! The funny part is, my husband hates going to events, and I love it. I don't think I can get past this! I will mention it to my daughter at a later date, but want to cool down some. My husband didn't really see anything wrong with this until I pointed out different scenerios, like leaving HIS mother out of an event. So, is it me, or is it rude? Sorry for the rant, but I'm so pissed off. All I know is that it's your fault that she did that because you're the mom. It's always the mom's fault! I'm sorry you felt bad about being left out. I'm not sure it was rude, however, it may have been inconsiderate since you do love doing these things and your DH doesn't. What is her age? What is her financial situation? The only thing I can think of is that she's young and not thinking beyond the special occasion for her dad and/or she couldn't afford tickets for everybody. Please don't let this affect your relationships with your family. Please don't be passive aggressive about what happened and "keep score or do it to them in return". I don't really think you'd do that but just be honest and ask her why you were left out if she knows how much you love doing these things and your DH doesn't. She may have NO clue that you'd feel slighted over this. (((Hugs))) and I hope you get a good answer and feel better soon. Did your DH have a nice Father's Day? I hope so. And I hope you found something to make you happy too. P.S. Some of you all are MEAN! Kicking her while she is feeling about this and calling her names. I'm just sayin'.
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Ryan
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Post by Ryan on Jun 19, 2016 23:22:03 GMT -5
This definitely seems like the type of thing that seems like a good idea to bring up, but would probably only make things worse...like way worse. It's a gift for father's day, she bought her dad the gift.
Maybe your daughter just wants to spend time with your husband (alone) and time for your fiance to get to know his future father in law better.
Leave this one alone.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 20, 2016 0:37:29 GMT -5
Being gracious in this instance is the mature thing to do - but certainly not essential. And I disagree with anyone who's called her picky or nitpicking.
Purposely excluding Happy prose from DH's day was a tacky thing to do and a slap in the face, IMO. She has every right to feel hurt.
They just "presumed" she wouldn't want to go, when in reality happyprose just might have enjoyed spending Father's Day with DH to celebrate with him (even if it was a ball game)..
The kids were 100% wrong on this one! They should have included Happy prose when making DF plans for Dad if it was an outing, no matter what the outing. The daughter should have phoned mom well in advance and told her what she and her DF had in mind (The MLB tickets), and asked Happyprose if they should buy 3 tickets or 4.
But then again, looking back, whole thing smells to me like the kids were planning on going to the game anyway, and when they realized it fell on Father's Day, they just killed two birds with one stone, & picked up 3 tickets instead of 2.
Whichever way, it was still tacky to not include her in hubby's Father's Day celebration. It didn't fall on Father's Day. They celebrated together for Father's Day. They gave him the game outing as his gift for a different date.
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quince
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Post by quince on Jun 20, 2016 1:43:33 GMT -5
Whether or not it was rude...doesn't really matter, although I personally think it is PERFECTLY FINE to invite one half of a couple to an informal event.
If you choose to be a "mean" mom or MIL, expect to be excluded from many more outings, and likely snubbed on Mother's day as well as Father's day. It's a bit self-defeating of a behavior. If you want to be included in things, be someone that people want to include. If you decide to be mean you could turn an honest mistake/momentary thoughtlessness into something that truly sours what ought to be an important relationship to you for all time.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Jun 20, 2016 5:49:50 GMT -5
When my kids were little they would do or say things that were rude or hurtful and I would just try and shrug it off and not take it personally. I understand kids do things without the thought that an adult would. Like the little kid who shouts at Mom "I HATE YOU!". The fact that I didn't yell back doesn't mean it didn't hurt my feelings. As the kids get older I have started to expect that they won't do that anymore. And certainly by mid 20's they shouldn't but the prevailing YM wisdom is I should suck it up for my entire life. My shutting up doesn't make it any less hurtful. This reminds me of those threads about kids and someone always chimes in that kids have a right to their own feelings no matter what an adult might think of the situation. Yet if I am the mom of an adult and I say something they did hurt my feelings, people just tell me I'm wrong and I'm not allowed to feel that.
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justme
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Post by justme on Jun 20, 2016 6:51:15 GMT -5
I think most people here have said she has a right to her feelings, but she shouldn't act on them like it seems she wants to.
She got to celebrate fathers day with the family, she just wasn't included in the gift for the father. She'd be fine not being included if it was a tie. She'd be fine not being included if the fiance wasn't included. But since her future son in law is included she thinks it's rude she's not. If it was her daughter and a son, minus the in-law, would she still be hurt not being included?
Frankly I'm wondering if she doesn't have a problem with the fiance and sees this as an opportunity to make it known since she has the excuse of being excluded?
Would she be upset for her husband if the reverse happened or would she say oh well he doesn't like events anyways?
I'd caution against talking to the daughter about it because I'm not sure she could be casual enough about the conversation.
Another way to think of it, would you ever give someone a gift from both of you but only one was going to the event? I wouldn't think you would, I'd think that it would be you, your husband, and whoever you're giving the gift to. So if you wouldn't expect your husband to exclude himself from a gift you're giving as a couple why would you expect the fiance to? (Yes I know your response is you'd invite the gift receivers spouse, but that's not an option here, you don't get to choose how other adults give gifts.)
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Jun 20, 2016 7:18:37 GMT -5
I think she has a right to her feelings regardless. But I don't think the solution is to become the mean mom/mother in law and call this a game-changer. Almost always when I have that urge, I realize the real solution is either move on or talk to the person honestly. I tell my kids when they hurt my feelings, if it's appropriate. I don't see anything wrong with her saying "When you invited your father to a game and didn't invite me I felt excluded and hurt. I love you but this hurt my feelings." But reacting with this level of anger isn't going to get her anything she wants.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 20, 2016 7:37:29 GMT -5
I kind of understand why the OP's feelings were hurt, but I can also see how the daughter may not have thought it was a big deal to plan to take just her Dad to the game since it was a Father's Day gift.
I think what's more important than deciding who's right and who's wrong is to be cautious about how you react to it. Imo, it's ok to talk to your daughter, explain that you felt left out and give her a chance to tell you why she chose to arrange things the way she did. If she did it that way to spend some time with just her Dad, you should accept that graciously and try to be happy that she loves her Dad and enjoys his company enough to want to hang out with him. If it just didn't occur to her that you might want to go, well, she'll have that information for next time.
I've lived my whole life without a Dad, so I don't have any personal experience with this kind of situation. Maybe that's why I offer the perspective that if it wasn't done maliciously toward you, you might try to focus more on the good (that she tried to do something she thought would be nice for her Dad) and acknowledge how you feel/felt, but try very hard not to let it cause a rift between all of you.
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skubikky
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Post by skubikky on Jun 20, 2016 7:40:22 GMT -5
If the event - MLB game - is something you both enjoy doing, then it would have been nice to invite both of you. But I also think it is ok to want to do something with just Dad. When you bring up finding out how much she spent on FIL that is being petty. My son will take DH to a movie tomorrow. I don't usually enjoy movies, so I love it when they go together and I will get a couple hours of me time. If they were going to a baseball game I would love to be included and my son knows that. I don't care what they spend on the other dad, I was curious if they were excluding his mom from an event also. It's really none of your business.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jun 20, 2016 8:13:54 GMT -5
I also have a petty family. Eventually, it escalated. Shortly after my wedding, I realized that my parents and my ils will never be in the same room again.
My parents cut me off, in part, because my ILs made a decision to live closer to DH and I. We did not ask the ils to move..it was something they wanted on their own. The other reason my parents cut me off is because I dared to have healthy boundaries around them.
Which I guess was OK. Doing separate kid b-day parties for family was fine with one. With three, it would be impossible. And my parents' behavior when we had joint activities was pretty bad, actually. Eventually, my parents self-selected out of those things (via the cut off)
In the end, really, it's only my folks that ended up getting the short end of the stick mostly because of their behavior.
ETA: I really used to think it was me. After a decade, I've come to the conclusion that it isn't me.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 20, 2016 9:19:26 GMT -5
I'd be doing the happy dance that I got out of something so boring and go have fun myself!! Or buy a ticket to the game and sit elsewhere if you feel that strongly about it.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 20, 2016 9:24:00 GMT -5
My therapist said you have the right to your own feelings. It's ACTING on them you need to make a decision about.
Personally I would keep my mouth shut and let it go. It does not sound like this is a common occurence and the OP has stated that she often does stuff with her daughter that does not involve her husband. Why can't he do something with his daughter that doesn't involve his wife?
It's not something I would sour my relationship with my future son in law over. It also puts the DD in an awkward position of having to defend herself/fiance or take her mom's side.
I've been in the middle like that and it SUCKS. It solved nothing, all it did was make me resent everyone involved. I became "all inclusive" by not inviting anyone to do anything. It would have sucked to do anything with these people again all I would have been doing is walking on eggshells waiting for the next "offense" to happen. Much easier to avoid the headache all together, they can be petty without me.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Jun 20, 2016 10:59:00 GMT -5
Totally out of point! Her fiancé is not her father BUT he is going! So is he more important than her mother? In a word, yes. He's the guy she is planning to marry. Is your Mother more important to you than your DH? Husband is a done deal! Fiance might never happen to be a husband. However he upstaged THE MOTHER!
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jun 20, 2016 11:00:56 GMT -5
I think she has a right to her feelings regardless. But I don't think the solution is to become the mean mom/mother in law and call this a game-changer. Almost always when I have that urge, I realize the real solution is either move on or talk to the person honestly. I tell my kids when they hurt my feelings, if it's appropriate. I don't see anything wrong with her saying "When you invited your father to a game and didn't invite me I felt excluded and hurt. I love you but this hurt my feelings." But reacting with this level of anger isn't going to get her anything she wants.
The adult response to hurt feelings is to address it with the person who hurt your feelings, not to retaliate. If OP starts getting pissy with her daughter, her daughter is going to have no idea why.
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Jun 20, 2016 11:04:34 GMT -5
In a word, yes. He's the guy she is planning to marry. Is your Mother more important to you than your DH? Husband is a done deal! Fiance might never happen to be a husband. However he upstaged THE MOTHER!
it's father's day. isn't he supposed to upstage mom on that day?
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Jun 20, 2016 11:06:36 GMT -5
I'd be doing the happy dance that I got out of something so boring and go have fun myself!! Or buy a ticket to the game and sit elsewhere if you feel that strongly about it. OP LOVE the games! Not boring to her...
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Jun 20, 2016 11:07:43 GMT -5
Husband is a done deal! Fiance might never happen to be a husband. However he upstaged THE MOTHER!
it's father's day. isn't he supposed to upstage mom on that day? not by fiancé! and no one upstaging THE MOTHER!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 20, 2016 11:08:08 GMT -5
It is weird but since we really don't know the family dynamics, it's hard to say. OP's feelings are hurt. She has a right to feel hurt feelings.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jun 20, 2016 11:09:27 GMT -5
It is weird but since we really don't know the family dynamics, it's hard to say. OP's feelings are hurt. She has a right to feel hurt feelings. absolutely.
But don't treat your kid like shit afterwards in retaliation.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 20, 2016 11:32:12 GMT -5
That I totally agree with. Either spill it and let the daughter explain or don't and let it go.
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Kolt!
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Post by Kolt! on Jun 20, 2016 16:46:55 GMT -5
Upstaging the Mother?
How is he upstaging the mother. It's a gift for father's day... the man is going to be his FATHER. Sure it's just father in-law but idea when a person joins a family those parents become secondary parents. Sure that doesn't happen all the time but it's great if it does. Maybe, that's what the daughters hoping for.
in this case being that for Father's Day it's a gift for a father that HIS kids wanted to give him. It's actually kind of sad that she doesn't see it that way.
It just sounds like petty jealousy. I'd get if she didn't get to see them often and was being excluded. But, she's done things just the three of them without him. It was a gift for the father.
It sounds like something a three year old would get upset with when mommy took the other sibling out for the day for their birthday to have special bonding time...
I'd hate joining your family personally. I'm certainly glad my girl's parents don't act this way and that my mother doesn't act this way. They both encourage people to do things with one another to bond and her family includes me in the family and has welcomed me as if I'm one of their sons just as my girl has been treated in my family.
Heck for Father's Day this year we went to a shooting range and YES the mother LOVES to go to a shooting range but the only people that went with him were his kids and their significant others because it was a gift for the father. And the mother just kept saying How great it was we were all getting together and doing something for him...
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Jun 20, 2016 17:22:00 GMT -5
If it was me, I'd forget about it. I go out of my way not to be offended by anything DIL or her family does, and to try not to offend any of them, because DIL's going to be the mom of my grandkids (hopefully) and I want to be warmly invited to the house to visit the kids, not begrudgingly invited and merely tolerated because DIL dislikes me.
Sure I get my feelings hurt sometimes, and if it was a really blatant snub I would mention it to DS, but this IMHO isn't a blatant snub.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Jun 21, 2016 14:59:16 GMT -5
Doesn't seem rude at all. As part of a day that celebrated him, they wanted to take him on an experience for HIM. I also think this is incredibly common. When I take my dad golfing on Father's Day, I don't invite my mom. When I take my mom to a play for Mother's Day, I don't invite my dad.
People are allowed to do things with other people without inviting everyone else, that includes parents. It's not as if they planned a family dinner and then told you that only Dad was invited. This was for a specific holiday in which children honor a specific parent. They did that. You seem upset that you didn't get to be included in other people's presents (understanding you are not upset that it wasn't a gift to you, but that you weren't asked about paying for your own ticket). It's ok that sometimes people want to spend time with only one parent at a time for something special.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Jun 21, 2016 15:17:52 GMT -5
Why be exclusive when you can be inclusive? The OP is talking about 4 people. They may all create their own affinities over time, but this seems very early, why be exclusive and hurt anybody? I wouldn't not invite both halves of a couple to anything unless I had good reason. A couple just starting out, I don't get why they would opt to do that. And know that DH and I do plenty on our own, without the other. PLENTY. But neither of us would want to be purposely excluded by our own kids for something we both would enjoy. Maybe they wanted to spend some alone time with Dad. Isn't that allowed?
This isn't just "a couple inviting a couple"...these are children inviting a father on an occasion specifically designed to celebrate fathers.
Good Reason: It's a Father's Day thing.
I mean we all know you've certainly invited your friends to occasions without inviting everyone's significant others (ok so we don't "know", but I assume you're a social enough person that you have had these kinds of experiences). It's natural. Have you ever been to a bachelorette party? Or an all-female baby shower? You didn't invite a bunch of men to an all-women's bachelorette party right? That wasn't because you wanted to hurt the men's feelings right?
I don't think it's a very adult thing to be offended that your children want to spend time with one of their parents alone sometimes...nor is it reasonable to determine that time alone is ok as long as they aren't doing anything fun that you might want to do also.
This particular event was clearly set up to be father-children (or quasi children). It certainly would have been rude if 40 family and friends had gone and mom was excluded.
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jitterbug
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Post by jitterbug on Jun 21, 2016 15:24:01 GMT -5
As others have said, OP has the right to her feelings - it's the acting upon them that's controversial. I have found it helpful to write an UNSENT letter to the person who's hurt me and I spill it all...how hurt I am, why it hurt me, etc. Say it all!!! The simple act of releasing those words and feelings help them go away - then I can actually deal with the situation rationally, as I got it out of my system!! Just be very careful to burn, tear-up, DELETE, never put an actual name on the letter if doing this!!!
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Jun 21, 2016 16:21:32 GMT -5
My question is this: Dad gets a gathering AND tickets to a game. Mom got pizza. Was that it? Maybe she feels slighted in that way, but hasn't realized that's what it is.
Either way, be very careful how you react. Don't let it get all blown out of proportion. My coworker's parents haven't spoken to her in over 20 years because of some perceived slight the last time they visited. They live a few states away and they have refused to answer the door if she makes the trip out. (visits her sister but always tries with the parents) That's just sad for all involved.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Jun 21, 2016 16:36:30 GMT -5
My question is this: Dad gets a gathering AND tickets to a game. Mom got pizza. Was that it? Maybe she feels slighted in that way, but hasn't realized that's what it is. Either way, be very careful how you react. Don't let it get all blown out of proportion. My coworker's parents haven't spoken to her in over 20 years because of some perceived slight the last time they visited. They live a few states away and they have refused to answer the door if she makes the trip out. (visits her sister but always tries with the parents) That's just sad for all involved. Yes, he gets both a gathering and a gift...that doesn't seem that unusual though...does it?
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debthaven
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Post by debthaven on Jun 21, 2016 17:01:07 GMT -5
I mean we all know you've certainly invited your friends to occasions without inviting everyone's significant othersAbsolutely! But it's either everyone's significant others, or no one's. Never some but not others. It's inclusive or it's exclusive (of whoever, kids, SOs, whatever) but it's not Menu A for some participants and Menu B for others. I have absolutely nothing against a child spending time with one parent but not the other, it's important, we absolutely do that too (which is something I meant to post to JustMe but I got busy). But on this occasion, the OP was visibly excluded from something, and her feelings were hurt. She's entitled to her feelings, although I agree it's totally counterproductive to enact any sort of "revenge". Sometimes I meet my adult kid(s) alone for lunch, sometimes my DH does (and he's not even their bio dad, although he raised them from a young age). Sometimes they end up with an extra ticket to something and one or the other of us goes, usually DH, because I'm lazy about going out late and DH sets his own hours so he's always up for it. But our kids have never purposely purchased one ticket rather than two for an event we'd both enjoy, unless they ask the other if they'd like to go (without telling the recipient of the gift), in which case the other pays for their own ticket. Nobody's feelings have EVER been hurt. We have both "together" time, and "alone" time with our kids. But none of our kids have ever invited just one of us to an outing the other or both of us would have enjoyed, and excluded the other. Once again, if the kids are a unit and allowed to do something together, the parents are too. You can have it one way or the other, but not both. You can't say "the kids are a unit and they invited just the dad" without acknowledging that if the newly engaged couple is a unit, surely the long-married couple is too. Otherwise that's just hypocritical. JMO of course. I'm really very live and let live, whatever works. But this obviously didn't work for the OP. We're both glad our kids do it the way they do.
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Jun 21, 2016 17:52:28 GMT -5
... Once again, if the kids are a unit and allowed to do something together, the parents are too. You can have it one way or the other, but not both. You can't say "the kids are a unit and they invited just the dad" without acknowledging that if the newly engaged couple is a unit, surely the long-married couple is too. Otherwise that's just hypocritical. ... The kids are a unit as offspring (biological or soon-to-be by marriage). The long-married couple are a unit as parents. However, the father alone is a father. The mother alone is a mother. The gift was for Father's Day, a day established for honoring fathers.
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debthaven
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Post by debthaven on Jun 21, 2016 17:58:26 GMT -5
No offense, but I'm not really interested in arguing about this anymore. I don't expect either of us to change our minds.
Best.
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