tskeeter
Junior Associate
Joined: Mar 20, 2011 19:37:45 GMT -5
Posts: 6,831
|
Post by tskeeter on Jun 19, 2016 1:20:06 GMT -5
The thing about family is we love them. So we forgive them when they do or say something dumb that hurts our feelings, and we put the slight behind us and move forward. from another perspective, if the kids had gotten your DH a new chain saw, would you feel slighted because they didn't get you a matching saw? Totally out of point! Her fiancé is not her father BUT he is going! So is he more important than her mother? In a word, yes. He's the guy she is planning to marry. Is your Mother more important to you than your DH?
|
|
973beachbum
Senior Associate
Politics Admin
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:12:13 GMT -5
Posts: 10,501
|
Post by 973beachbum on Jun 19, 2016 7:37:04 GMT -5
I think the part of this that would stick in my craw is that it is something I love that DH hates. Having me sit there while they give it to him and I am not included isn't nice. If I didn't know better I would almost think it was intended to hurt me.
A regular present for father's day that DH likes, would be fine, but the one thing everyone knows I love but he hates? No way is that anything other than hurtful.
A present for one person doesn't have to include others, but it shouldn't be set up in a way to hurt someone else. And since the giver is the OP's DD, she has to know that her Mom love's this and Dad doesn't. So giving it to him in front of her would be a slight.
In reality this present isn't about Father's day either though IMO. If it was, it wouldn't be a present that everyone knows Dad doesn't like.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 14, 2024 3:21:34 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2016 7:39:32 GMT -5
He doesn't hate games. One of the ways he and fiancé have bonded in the past is watching games on tv. Kids think he would enjoy a live game if he went. Probably figure they specifically inviting him for Father's Day present will get him to finally give it a try. (I did the same thing with an iPod once. I know my father who drives long distances and loves books would just love audible if I could just get him to try it!) Did it work? No. But it doesn't change the fact it was about him, and us kids, and giving him a present we were hoping he would like...
|
|
973beachbum
Senior Associate
Politics Admin
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:12:13 GMT -5
Posts: 10,501
|
Post by 973beachbum on Jun 19, 2016 8:06:15 GMT -5
That is from the OP. He may be okay with watching on TV but he hates going to the live event. She, the mom, loves it.
The nicest light that can be put on this is it was a very thoughtless gift considering the giver knew he would hate it.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 14, 2024 3:21:34 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2016 8:18:11 GMT -5
Also from the OP post #28... "she's always harping on my husband that he would enjoy himself if he went out more, so I guess she wants to show him."
|
|
giramomma
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 11:25:27 GMT -5
Posts: 22,158
|
Post by giramomma on Jun 19, 2016 8:32:53 GMT -5
Maybe the daughter feels badly that her dad always bows out of doing events with her and her intended and they want to try one last time?
My dad had no medical reason for not wanting to go out to with DH and I when we were engaged.
He offered nothing other than "no."
Being that he was my dad, my parents felt they owed no other explanation. Much better for me to have hurt feelings then for my parents to have a good conversation with me.
|
|
whoami
Well-Known Member
Joined: Jan 8, 2011 12:43:49 GMT -5
Posts: 1,292
|
Post by whoami on Jun 19, 2016 9:19:41 GMT -5
That is from the OP. He may be okay with watching on TV but he hates going to the live event. She, the mom, loves it. The nicest light that can be put on this is it was a very thoughtless gift considering the giver knew he would hate it. Yes because people routinely spent time and money on giving someone a gift they would absolutely despise. Doesnt that sound ridiculous? What would be the point? What a miserable family dynamic to have to tiptoe around in.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on Jun 19, 2016 9:50:34 GMT -5
That is from the OP. He may be okay with watching on TV but he hates going to the live event. She, the mom, loves it. The nicest light that can be put on this is it was a very thoughtless gift considering the giver knew he would hate it. Yes because people routinely spent time and money on giving someone a gift they would absolutely despise. Doesnt that sound ridiculous? What would be the point? What a miserable family dynamic to have to tiptoe around in. Well, I have family and ex family that do just that. My kids and I absolutely detest Applebee's. But that's always my gift card from a family member. I've even said how the kids and I hate Applebee's. Goes in one ear and out the other. I give them away.
|
|
Knee Deep in Water Chloe
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 27, 2010 21:04:44 GMT -5
Posts: 14,248
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1980e6
|
Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Jun 19, 2016 11:06:11 GMT -5
Being human is hard.
For us/me, my husband and the boys do things together all the time with out the girls and I. The girls and I do things together all the time without DH and the boys. The girls and DH do things together without me. DS#1 does have a wife now, but she doesn't interact well with anyone so this particular situation hasn't come up. DS#2 is still scared of relationships, so that situation hasn't happened yet as well. DD#1 just turned 18 and graduated from high school, so she doesn't have any money yet to do this, though I could see it happening. DD#2 is only 14.
DS#1 bought tickets to a college football game for just him and DH as a Christmas present last year. In no way am I upset about that. If DIL was going and I was excluded, I can understand being hurt by that. It does seem like it's one thing for it to be a child-parent trip and then a different thing when certain other people are included and certain other people are not.
Do I think I would throw down about this? Not the first time. If it happened a second time, I would definitely say something. If there were times when the child & significant other were evenly taking out each parent separately, then that would be fine.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 14, 2024 3:21:34 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2016 12:55:59 GMT -5
Yes because people routinely spent time and money on giving someone a gift they would absolutely despise. Doesnt that sound ridiculous? What would be the point? What a miserable family dynamic to have to tiptoe around in. Well, I have family and ex family that do just that. My kids and I absolutely detest Applebee's. But that's always my gift card from a family member. I've even said how the kids and I hate Applebee's. Goes in one ear and out the other. I give them away. My grandmother used to do something similar. It was because she just went to one restaurant and bought cards for everyone. Most of my extended family really like that restaurant, so everyone got one.
|
|
MarleyKeezy78
Senior Member
Joined: Jul 22, 2011 13:20:34 GMT -5
Posts: 3,226
Location: Sittin in the mitten
|
Post by MarleyKeezy78 on Jun 19, 2016 13:17:55 GMT -5
I find what she did completely acceptable, it was for Fathers Day after all. Now if you had to deal with a whole group of family that you had been visiting on a daily basis (lots who had come in from out of town for a reunion) and then they made plans for outings an completely excluded you (that's what happened to me at that time), then yeah, time to get upset. My own grandparents did that to me and when one of the guests asked if I was going too, I had to hide my hurt and just say oh no, I won't be able to go. Then my grandma was like oh did you want to go I went home and cried, nothing like rejection from really close family members.
|
|
|
Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Jun 19, 2016 13:32:36 GMT -5
T?d's birthday was a couple weeks ago, and his mom wanted to take him out to dinner for it. I was invited, but I figured that he and his mom needed some alone time, so I was 'busy' with school.
I know that when I go out with them I change the dynamics, so make excuses occasionally. They went to a really good Indian place that I would have loved to go to but I thought this time it should be one on one.
|
|
whoami
Well-Known Member
Joined: Jan 8, 2011 12:43:49 GMT -5
Posts: 1,292
|
Post by whoami on Jun 19, 2016 13:37:45 GMT -5
Yes because people routinely spent time and money on giving someone a gift they would absolutely despise. Doesnt that sound ridiculous? What would be the point? What a miserable family dynamic to have to tiptoe around in. Well, I have family and ex family that do just that. My kids and I absolutely detest Applebee's. But that's always my gift card from a family member. I've even said how the kids and I hate Applebee's. Goes in one ear and out the other. I give them away. I dont think its a stretch to think people who enjoy watching games on TV wouldnt enjoy going to a game. There is no indication this girl did anything to knowingly piss anyone off. Have you thought of being an asshole to your gift giver? I hear its an acceptable way of responding to a gift you don't like (whether the gift is for you or not). BTW, what's wrong with Applebees? Isnt that where all the young, hip high school kids are hanging out these days??
|
|
|
Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Jun 19, 2016 13:51:37 GMT -5
Well, I have family and ex family that do just that. My kids and I absolutely detest Applebee's. But that's always my gift card from a family member. I've even said how the kids and I hate Applebee's. Goes in one ear and out the other. I give them away. I dont think its a stretch to think people who enjoy watching games on TV wouldnt enjoy going to a game. There is no indication this girl did anything to knowingly piss anyone off. Have you thought of being an asshole to your gift giver? I hear its an acceptable way of responding to a gift you don't like (whether the gift is for you or not). BTW, what's wrong with Applebees? Isnt that where all the young, hip high school kids are hanging out these days?? Once upon a time, Applebee's used to be really good. I'm guessing that as their popularity increased, the quality suffered. The last time I went there, my choices were McDonalds of Applebee's (I was driving to NY, had stopped for the night and wasn't about to find another exit for food). When I walked out of Applebee's, I was telling myself I should have just gone to a Rotten Ronnie's instead. That was about 6 years ago.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on Jun 19, 2016 14:04:05 GMT -5
The food sucks. When you flat out tell someone the kids and yourself won't eat there, how much plainer can you get? It's hard for me to give them away because young people won't eat there either. I've been forced to hand them off to my hair person. I'll take it with me out west this July and take the recipient there. Maybe she does it on purpose?
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on Jun 19, 2016 14:06:55 GMT -5
I find what she did completely acceptable, it was for Fathers Day after all. Now if you had to deal with a whole group of family that you had been visiting on a daily basis (lots who had come in from out of town for a reunion) and then they made plans for outings an completely excluded you (that's what happened to me at that time), then yeah, time to get upset. My own grandparents did that to me and when one of the guests asked if I was going too, I had to hide my hurt and just say oh no, I won't be able to go. Then my grandma was like oh did you want to go I went home and cried, nothing like rejection from really close family members. Id have said YES! It's your grandma not a total stranger.
|
|
dannylion
Junior Associate
Gravity is a harsh mistress
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 12:17:52 GMT -5
Posts: 5,213
Location: Miles over the madness horizon and accelerating
|
Post by dannylion on Jun 19, 2016 14:49:05 GMT -5
I find what she did completely acceptable, it was for Fathers Day after all. Now if you had to deal with a whole group of family that you had been visiting on a daily basis (lots who had come in from out of town for a reunion) and then they made plans for outings an completely excluded you (that's what happened to me at that time), then yeah, time to get upset. My own grandparents did that to me and when one of the guests asked if I was going too, I had to hide my hurt and just say oh no, I won't be able to go. Then my grandma was like oh did you want to go I went home and cried, nothing like rejection from really close family members. Id have said YES! It's your grandma not a total stranger. Yeah, though we don't have the backstory, just from what was presented, if there was ever a time to speak up, that was it.
If your own grandma does something so brazenly clueless (or maybe not so clueless) that it makes you cry, Grandma needs to have that pointed out to her, and maybe not in private.
Again, we don't have the backstory, so JMHO.
People may treat you like crap, but you don't have to let them keep doing it without speaking up for yourself.
|
|
NancysSummerSip
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 19:19:42 GMT -5
Posts: 36,700
Today's Mood: Full of piss and vinegar
Favorite Drink: Anything with ice
|
Post by NancysSummerSip on Jun 19, 2016 15:10:46 GMT -5
Id have said YES! It's your grandma not a total stranger. Yeah, though we don't have the backstory, just from what was presented, if there was ever a time to speak up, that was it.
If your own grandma does something so brazenly clueless (or maybe not so clueless) that it makes you cry, Grandma needs to have that pointed out to her, and maybe not in private.
Again, we don't have the backstory, so JMHO.
People may treat you like crap, but you don't have to let them keep doing it without speaking up for yourself.
. I think the rude vs. not rude depends on the overall family dynamic. Had the OP's situation occurred in my family, it would have been just a "meh, whatever" situation. No one would have had any hard feelings at all. Now, in my SILs' families, had this happened, it would have been WWIII. Their dynamic is very different from ours - one is an only child and the other is a spoiled rotten brat who had mommy and daddy do everything for and with her. We were raised to go and do and experience on our own, whereas they have such close family bonds that I feel almost suffocated when I observe them in action. I'm not faulting them; just saying that it is very different. For the OP, I don't think it was one of those "I'm gonna be deliberately mean to mom!" moments by the daughter. Thoughtless, maybe. But mean - no. Prospective son-in-law might really be trying to find some common ground, hoping that time the two of them spend together might be beneficial, especially if it is time outside the house. At some point, God willing, one will become a new parent and one a new grandparent. It would be nice if they got along and bonded, even if the outing proves less than satisfactory overall. It will still be shared experience for them to pass on to the next generation, perhaps. As for the OP, there is now a day in the calendar for you to do something on your own. Take it, run with it and don't tell a soul what you plan to do with it. If possible, come home after the game is over and the rest of them have returned. No need to explain.
|
|
NoNamePerson
Distinguished Associate
Is There Anybody OUT There?
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 17:03:17 GMT -5
Posts: 26,223
Location: WITNESS PROTECTION
|
Post by NoNamePerson on Jun 19, 2016 15:28:51 GMT -5
T?d's birthday was a couple weeks ago, and his mom wanted to take him out to dinner for it. I was invited, but I figured that he and his mom needed some alone time, so I was 'busy' with school. I know that when I go out with them I change the dynamics, so make excuses occasionally. They went to a really good Indian place that I would have loved to go to but I thought this time it should be one on one. only because I can't like it more than once.
|
|
MarleyKeezy78
Senior Member
Joined: Jul 22, 2011 13:20:34 GMT -5
Posts: 3,226
Location: Sittin in the mitten
|
Post by MarleyKeezy78 on Jun 19, 2016 16:03:26 GMT -5
I find what she did completely acceptable, it was for Fathers Day after all. Now if you had to deal with a whole group of family that you had been visiting on a daily basis (lots who had come in from out of town for a reunion) and then they made plans for outings an completely excluded you (that's what happened to me at that time), then yeah, time to get upset. My own grandparents did that to me and when one of the guests asked if I was going too, I had to hide my hurt and just say oh no, I won't be able to go. Then my grandma was like oh did you want to go I went home and cried, nothing like rejection from really close family members. Id have said YES! It's your grandma not a total stranger. They made plans to go to a baseball game and museum and had the tickets purchased already. It's not the first time stuff like that has happened. We are close but sometimes they do weird things like that to me. It's hard to put everything down here but the family dynamic is sometimes really strange. This is the same woman who threw a huge party the day DH and I brought home DS from the hospital, she told me I was welcome to come and bring the baby... Just got out after a c-section and the kid is like three days old, WTF!!! I'm sure some of you guys can understand the weird shit that goes on in a family sometimes even though you love them.
|
|
whoami
Well-Known Member
Joined: Jan 8, 2011 12:43:49 GMT -5
Posts: 1,292
|
Post by whoami on Jun 19, 2016 16:16:10 GMT -5
The food sucks. When you flat out tell someone the kids and yourself won't eat there, how much plainer can you get? It's hard for me to give them away because young people won't eat there either. I've been forced to hand them off to my hair person. I'll take it with me out west this July and take the recipient there. Maybe she does it on purpose? Maybe she does do it on purpose or maybe she get them for free. I remember years ago when ex was living in an apartment, they would give him gift cards for renewing his lease. The kids got some really weird gift cards to places that don't even exist around here. In the case of the OP, the fact that dad "hates" live events isn't a problem unless she isn't invited. She isn't griping that the gift sucks...just that they didn't invite her....which pretty much negates her whole argument about him not liking what they gave him.
|
|
ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
Community Leader
♡ ♡ BᏋՆᎥᏋᏉᏋ ♡ ♡
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:12:51 GMT -5
Posts: 43,130
Location: Inside POM's Head
Favorite Drink: Chilled White Zin
|
Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Jun 19, 2016 18:36:47 GMT -5
Last night we celebrated Father's Day for my husband due to everyone's schedule. No big deal. My daughter and her fiance came over for dinner. Their gift to my husband was tickets to a MLB game....3 tickets- daughter, fiance, my husband. I was more than shocked, but hid it well. Don't you think they should have gotten me a ticket? Or if money was an issue (probably), don't you think my daughter should have asked me if I wanted to buy a ticket when they ordered them?I don't know what they bought for his father, but will find out. Not to compare gifts, but to see if they excluded his mom from an event. I highly doubt it. I want to call my daughter and say that my husband and I want to take HER to dinner, no fiance. We would never do that! If just my daughter was taking her dad out, it wouldn't bother me. But the three of them ?!!! The funny part is, my husband hates going to events, and I love it. I don't think I can get past this! I will mention it to my daughter at a later date, but want to cool down some. My husband didn't really see anything wrong with this until I pointed out different scenerios, like leaving HIS mother out of an event. So, is it me, or is it rude? Sorry for the rant, but I'm so pissed off. It certainly was a lapse in judgement on their part to not include you.
And since the MLB tickets were a gift to your DH for Father's Day, ultimately it should have been HIS decision who he wished to take along. It would have been better if you had been able to go too, or if he could have had the chance to invite a couple of his buddies out for a guys day at the game.
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,777
|
Post by thyme4change on Jun 19, 2016 18:41:09 GMT -5
My personal opinion, buying me a ticket to the baseball game would be rude. (A) Baseball is the worst possible way to spend an afternoon and (B) my calendar is tough. What if you picked a date where I have something else to do?
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
|
Post by zibazinski on Jun 19, 2016 18:46:10 GMT -5
Seriously, this seems like a gift like the ones I get, more for the giver than for the receiver.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 14, 2024 3:21:34 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2016 18:51:56 GMT -5
Great. Next year her dad gets socks. His family can share their experiences from here on out.
Seriously cant people just be thankful for a gift?
|
|
NoNamePerson
Distinguished Associate
Is There Anybody OUT There?
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 17:03:17 GMT -5
Posts: 26,223
Location: WITNESS PROTECTION
|
Post by NoNamePerson on Jun 19, 2016 18:56:45 GMT -5
Best make it two pair of socks and basically generic socks at that
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Oct 14, 2024 3:21:34 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 19, 2016 19:58:18 GMT -5
Happy prose Could this have been a strategic decision? If daughter & fiance invited both dad and you, would dad have "bailed out"? Sounds like he has made a habit of bailing out on events and probably figures since you are going, it is okay for him not to be there. With this gift given to only him, he is pretty much bound to attend and can't bail out. :-) Just wondering if it was intentional, but not for a negative reason. Hope you get it sorted out with your daughter.
|
|
Pants
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 27, 2010 19:26:44 GMT -5
Posts: 7,579
|
Post by Pants on Jun 19, 2016 20:35:43 GMT -5
Ok, I've thought about this more, and to me the OP's reaction feels... petty. My mom is petty, and I can be petty as well (a trait that I get from her.) It is one of my least favorite things about myself. I would be really upset if my mom reacted to this situation like this - making it about her. I would roll my eyes and deal with it, because that's what my family does for my mother, but I would be upset. And my moms pettiness is changing our relationship, not for the better.
So, OP, please be gracious. Don't let it change how you treat your family. Because your daughter is making a new one, and how you act now can determine your relationship for a long time.
Disclaimer: I've realized this background is why I'm reacting this way to this post. If OP analyzes her actions and still thinks she's in the right, that may well be. But as the daughter of a very petty person, I can tell you it's hard to realize that about your own actions.
|
|
Knee Deep in Water Chloe
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 27, 2010 21:04:44 GMT -5
Posts: 14,248
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1980e6
|
Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Jun 19, 2016 22:06:13 GMT -5
@rockit! You're back!
Pants and to everyone in general, I agree that if the reaction becomes known outside of her, her husband, and YM, then yes it is petty. I do think it's okay to ask your spouse to help you analyze something. Although, in my case, my spouse would tell me to calm down in this case--it being the first time this type of gift had been given. It's okay to vent and ask opinions here if it helps get the negative behavior out of one's system. I absolutely agree that being gracious to the husband, daughter, and the FSIL in this instance is essential.
My mother is more passive aggressive than petty, but how that behavior has affected our relationship is also negative.
|
|
ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
Community Leader
♡ ♡ BᏋՆᎥᏋᏉᏋ ♡ ♡
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 16:12:51 GMT -5
Posts: 43,130
Location: Inside POM's Head
Favorite Drink: Chilled White Zin
|
Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Jun 19, 2016 23:12:28 GMT -5
Being gracious in this instance is the mature thing to do - but certainly not essential. And I disagree with anyone who's called her picky or nitpicking.
Purposely excluding Happy prose from DH's day was a tacky thing to do and a slap in the face, IMO. She has every right to feel hurt.
They just "presumed" she wouldn't want to go, when in reality happyprose just might have enjoyed spending Father's Day with DH to celebrate with him (even if it was a ball game)..
The kids were 100% wrong on this one! They should have included Happy prose when making DF plans for Dad if it was an outing, no matter what the outing. The daughter should have phoned mom well in advance and told her what she and her DF had in mind (The MLB tickets), and asked Happyprose if they should buy 3 tickets or 4.
But then again, looking back, whole thing smells to me like the kids were planning on going to the game anyway, and when they realized it fell on Father's Day, they just killed two birds with one stone, & picked up 3 tickets instead of 2.
Whichever way, it was still tacky to not include her in hubby's Father's Day celebration.
|
|