mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jan 15, 2016 12:15:47 GMT -5
Yeah, it's not that marriages suck, but that divorces can suck! It just hit me......the marriages that don't end in divorce ALL end in death. Birth ends in death, but thanks for reminding Blonde Granny, Zibazinski, myself, and several others the deaths of our husbands ended our marriages.
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milee
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Post by milee on Jan 15, 2016 12:47:50 GMT -5
It just hit me......the marriages that don't end in divorce ALL end in death. Birth ends in death, but thanks for reminding Blonde Granny, Zibazinski, myself, and several others the deaths of our husbands ended our marriages. Well, you were the ones who were stupid enough to marry those mortal guys.
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gregintenn
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Post by gregintenn on Jan 15, 2016 12:54:30 GMT -5
It just hit me......the marriages that don't end in divorce ALL end in death. Birth ends in death, but thanks for reminding Blonde Granny, Zibazinski, myself, and several others the deaths of our husbands ended our marriages. Hopefully, one day mine will as well. Further, I hope each of you can look back at fond memories and smile.
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mmhmm
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It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
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Post by mmhmm on Jan 15, 2016 12:55:14 GMT -5
Birth ends in death, but thanks for reminding Blonde Granny, Zibazinski, myself, and several others the deaths of our husbands ended our marriages. Well, you were the ones who were stupid enough to marry those mortal guys. Yeah, right! Where the heck were those immortal aliens when I was in the market? Dayum!
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mmhmm
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It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
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Post by mmhmm on Jan 15, 2016 12:56:12 GMT -5
Birth ends in death, but thanks for reminding Blonde Granny, Zibazinski, myself, and several others the deaths of our husbands ended our marriages. Hopefully, one day mine will as well. If you're the survivor, that's not a day one hopes for. Believe me on that one.
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gregintenn
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Post by gregintenn on Jan 15, 2016 12:57:42 GMT -5
Hopefully, one day mine will as well. If you're the survivor, that's not a day one hopes for. Believe me on that one. For sure!
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Jan 15, 2016 16:00:04 GMT -5
I was not the same person when I divorced as when I married and he had changed too. When we met I was 18 working a minimum wage job, living in a studio apartment, he was a merchant seaman who was 34, between ships staying at a boarding house. I was not too experienced at things like travel or much of live beyond being a child, he had been everywhere and done everything. He took care of me, we could take a greyhound to a new city and he would find us a place to live and jobs and I didn't need to worry about anything. We traveled all over the country and had adventures living hand to mouth, it was fun for the first couple of years. I wanted some babies and he did too but they didn't happen. I got bored being a housewife taken care of in a hand to mouth way so decided to go to college. Then I decided to get a job. I started wanting security and to put down roots, he didn't want that, he wanted to keep picking up and moving to new places without a plan, just go. I got a little stubborn like in Alaska he wanted to go to Michigan and I said if we go we need to stay until I finish college so we went and I refused to move again for a few years. Then he wanted to go somewhere else so I said pick carefully it is our last move and he picked Seattle, it was 1976. I am still here. I wanted to save for retirement but he said I was too young, I wanted security but he wanted to move to California, I said he could go alone, so he bought us a house. Some of what attracted me to him was the same that made me want to divorce him. He had been foot loose and free, he had been young and strong, he liked to be head of household. When I divorced him I was mid 30s but he was over 50, he still wasn't saving anything for retirement so his plan was when I was 45 or so he would go on SS at 62 we would have enough because I worked. He was a man who was raised that woman obeyed the husband and he needed to be obeyed or he wasn't a man in the eyes of his friends so he attempted to be a little violent at first like a single slap if I didn't do what I was told. I grew up spanked so it didn't seem so wrong. But I stopped it and told him I wasn't living in fear so if he even threatened I was gone so he stopped. He got some sexual issues as he aged that caused me some problems but I was putting up with it. He was an alcoholic from when he was a child but not drinking but taking tranquilizers that caused his problems. I was not thrilled with the marriage but raised to believe you stay married and deal with issues. Then the year 1983 happened. He tried to get off the tranquilizers and took up drinking, when drunk he didn't work and started being more controlling and violent. He was 52 but a body builder who was very fit and I was scared of him. He stayed drunk for months with short times of rehab, not working not helping support us. I dealt with it until Dec 27, 1983 then I left, lost my house and everything. So it was my fault I changed from 18 to 35 and wasn't the girl he married. My fault I wouldn't live with him if he was going to harm me. My fault I went to a divorce attorney the same day I walked out on him. He didn't want a divorce, entirely my fault.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Jan 15, 2016 17:00:25 GMT -5
The person you divorce is often not anything like the person you married, otherwise, why would you divorce them? I dunno, thus the question. I was under the impression that the person you divorce is precisely the person you married. Perhaps, but a big dick will only get you so far in a marriage if your ass hole is even bigger.
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Jan 15, 2016 18:09:03 GMT -5
Hopefully, one day mine will as well. Further, I hope each of you can look back at fond memories and smile. Even some of us who are divorced can look back at fond memories and smile (and I do). It's just not the complete picture of our lives
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jan 15, 2016 18:39:06 GMT -5
I wish I'd gone first. I'm selfish enough to wish I'd gone first so DH would be the one suffering. Well, not really. I wouldn't want him to suffer like I am.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jan 15, 2016 18:44:36 GMT -5
I dunno, thus the question. I was under the impression that the person you divorce is precisely the person you married. Perhaps, but a big dick will only get you so far in a marriage if your ass hole is even bigger. POTD
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Jan 15, 2016 18:51:35 GMT -5
I wish I'd gone first. I'm selfish enough to wish I'd gone first so DH would be the one suffering. Well, not really. I wouldn't want him to suffer like I am. Zib my heart breaks for you. I hope you start to feel better soon.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jan 15, 2016 18:52:17 GMT -5
I do too. Thank you. It's like being haunted. Everything reminds me of him.
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quince
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Post by quince on Jan 15, 2016 18:54:06 GMT -5
I've occasionally told my husband that I hope I die before him so I don't have to deal with his death. (Not TOO long before him, because I enjoy life!)
I think I also wouldn't so much mind a gentle drifting apart over the course of the next 30 years and an agreed-upon, amicable separation. Less agonizing than the sharp blow of the loss of the person who is in all the bits and pieces of your day to day life. Hell, the death of my shitty EX stuck with me for a year after he died- it hurt a bit to see the brand of coffee that was the last gift I sent him. I work very hard NOT to imagine what the loss of my beloved spouse would feel like.
What I would prefer doesn't matter, though. I can be the best spouse I can be, appreciate what there is to appreciate, and decide how I will deal with changes in him and me as they occur.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Jan 15, 2016 19:09:15 GMT -5
I dunno, thus the question. I was under the impression that the person you divorce is precisely the person you married. Perhaps, but a big dick will only get you so far in a marriage if your ass hole is even bigger. I think that is some new signature material right there.
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dannylion
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Post by dannylion on Jan 15, 2016 19:14:03 GMT -5
I do too. Thank you. It's like being haunted. Everything reminds me of him. I feel so bad for you, Zib. Have you thought about finding a grief support group? It's not for everyone, I know, but it might help to be around people who are having the same experiences. It won't take away the pain, of course, but it might help to soften some of the sharp edges and ease the raw feeling.
In any event, I'm thinking good thoughts for you since I don't have anything else to give.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jan 15, 2016 19:18:17 GMT -5
I thought I'd find one at the new church but they don't seem to have one or I haven't found it yet.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2016 19:53:15 GMT -5
It just hit me......the marriages that don't end in divorce ALL end in death. Birth ends in death, but thanks for reminding Blonde Granny, Zibazinski, myself, and several others the deaths of our husbands ended our marriages. Had you forgotten you're a widow? I know zib hasn't.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jan 15, 2016 20:47:23 GMT -5
I don't think anyone ever forgets. One just hopes that it lessens with time.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jan 15, 2016 20:55:07 GMT -5
Birth ends in death, but thanks for reminding Blonde Granny, Zibazinski, myself, and several others the deaths of our husbands ended our marriages. Had you forgotten you're a widow? I know zib hasn't. Hardly. I included myself in the above. I don't imagine I'll ever forget; nor, do I imagine any who are widows do.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Jan 15, 2016 21:10:26 GMT -5
I wish I'd gone first. I'm selfish enough to wish I'd gone first so DH would be the one suffering. Well, not really. I wouldn't want him to suffer like I am. I am so very sorry, Zib. I am beginning to understand better through you how my dad must feel. I hope some day you find peace.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Jan 15, 2016 21:11:37 GMT -5
I'm off of work, done with errands, a volunteer half hour, and am waiting for DD#2 to finish up dance class. I finally have a moment to add that I was quite defensive about what I interpreted as an interrogation from Greg. Last night I had included a paragraph about that, but I deleted it before I posted what I did post. I'm fairly tired this week, and I decided I must be extra over sensitive to feel so belittled. I'm glad I wasn't so off base and I appreciate those of you who stuck up for me.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jan 15, 2016 21:16:03 GMT -5
I wish I'd gone first. I'm selfish enough to wish I'd gone first so DH would be the one suffering. Well, not really. I wouldn't want him to suffer like I am. I am so very sorry, Zib. I am beginning to understand better through you how my dad must feel. I hope some day you find peace. I do, too. There's a huge ache where my heart used to be. The only thing that keeps me going is that I'm hopeful I will lift up my face and have a real smile instead of the one I paste on my face for the benefit of others.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2016 21:37:01 GMT -5
I'm off of work, done with errands, a volunteer half hour, and am waiting for DD#2 to finish up dance class. I finally have a moment to add that I was quite defensive about what I interpreted as an interrogation from Greg. Last night I had included a paragraph about that, but I deleted it before I posted what I did post. I'm fairly tired this week, and I decided I must be extra over sensitive to feel so belittled. I'm glad I wasn't so off base and I appreciate those of you who stuck up for me. LOL we were all sticking up for ourselves. You aren't the only divorced person on the board. I love greg to death but deep down he really does think he made all the right choices and did all the right things to make his marriage a success and the rest of us could do the same if we really wanted to. There's a reason his wife has a rolling pin and sometimes we need to borrow it.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Jan 15, 2016 21:40:13 GMT -5
I am so very sorry, Zib. I am beginning to understand better through you how my dad must feel. I hope some day you find peace. I do, too. There's a huge ache where my heart used to be. The only thing that keeps me going is that I'm hopeful I will lift up my face and have a real smile instead of the one I paste on my face for the benefit of others.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Jan 15, 2016 21:48:43 GMT -5
I am so very sorry, Zib. I am beginning to understand better through you how my dad must feel. I hope some day you find peace. I do, too. There's a huge ache where my heart used to be. The only thing that keeps me going is that I'm hopeful I will lift up my face and have a real smile instead of the one I paste on my face for the benefit of others. I bet you get there one day. The crappy part is it takes time and no one knows how long. We are here though, even when you don't feel like being happy.
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beergut
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Post by beergut on Jan 15, 2016 22:08:18 GMT -5
Knee Deep in Water ChloeI pretty much think I lack empathy, sensitivity, and come across as an asshole about 95% of the time (the other 5% of the time, I'm talking to pugs), and even I read greg's posts on this thread and thought, "What an asshole!!!!" So no, it isn't just you.
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moneymaven
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Post by moneymaven on Jan 15, 2016 23:42:12 GMT -5
Zib, I continue to be in awe of you through this and my heart aches for you. I wish you peace.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jan 16, 2016 5:58:50 GMT -5
Thank you. I wish I could pull my head out of my ass. This happens to people all the time so I'm not special but ouch. Losing my best friend, my soul mate, and realizing I've got to be alone now for whatever time is left does not make me feel joy about the future. There's times when I want to grant the "children's" prayers for my demise.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jan 16, 2016 7:26:11 GMT -5
Thank you. I wish I could pull my head out of my ass. This happens to people all the time so I'm not special but ouch. Losing my best friend, my soul mate, and realizing I've got to be alone now for whatever time is left does not make me feel joy about the future. There's times when I want to grant the "children's" prayers for my demise. Yes, it does happen to people all the time, and those people usually feel much as you do. Time heals. I know it's an old adage, oft repeated, but it's true. We just have to keep plodding forward knowing there is something better ahead. It might not be bliss, but it will be a sort of acceptance and a return of the zest for living we know to be a part of us. It is, after all, what those we loved and lost would have wanted from us.
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