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Post by Deleted on Jan 14, 2016 19:24:40 GMT -5
Ever meet anyone who divorced and says "It was my fault"? Me either. Ex 2.0 does ALL THE TIME. He has been begging to come home for 2 years.
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Ombud
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Post by Ombud on Jan 14, 2016 19:31:03 GMT -5
Ever meet anyone who divorced and says "It was my fault"? Me either. 2nd break up was my fault. My income was too low (80k in a field where that was tops) & I dn have enough saved (only 400k). So I can be at fault too. Nobody's perfect
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jan 14, 2016 19:31:32 GMT -5
I'd send what you wrote, minus the snark. Just straight facts. Then, I'd block any communication from him (or, if you can't block it - ignore the hell out of him). Then, I'd take his arse to court for child support after I got everything I could get to prove his actual income. This is the kind of guy I'd love to drag over the coals ... both ways!
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gregintenn
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Post by gregintenn on Jan 14, 2016 19:33:08 GMT -5
LOL! I forgot who I was talking to for a minute.
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Ombud
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Post by Ombud on Jan 14, 2016 19:34:47 GMT -5
No biggee! I fully admit that I have faults ... plenty of them
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jan 14, 2016 19:36:39 GMT -5
Ever meet anyone who divorced and says "It was my fault"? Me either. Ex 2.0 does ALL THE TIME. He has been begging to come home for 2 years. My first husband was the same. I couldn't get rid of the idiot! Finally, he met some poor fool and moved out of the state. Of course, that didn't last long but by the time they split up I was out of the country! He was calling everyone we'd known looking for me. Some people just don't get it.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jan 14, 2016 19:37:44 GMT -5
No biggee! I fully admit that I have faults ... plenty of them We all have faults. Some of us just have a harder time than others admitting to that little fact.
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gregintenn
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Post by gregintenn on Jan 14, 2016 19:38:08 GMT -5
We have a wanted bunch of ladies here!
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jan 14, 2016 20:19:59 GMT -5
We have a wanted bunch of ladies here! It's not hard to be "wanted" when you're the unpaid accountant, maid, child care provider, medical aid provider, cook, bottle washer, open ear for whining and ranting, target, boxing dummy, source of additional income, and occasional arm decor. In fact, it's waaaay too easy.
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gregintenn
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Post by gregintenn on Jan 14, 2016 20:22:46 GMT -5
We have a wanted bunch of ladies here! It's not hard to be "wanted" when you're the unpaid accountant, maid, child care provider, medical aid provider, cook, bottle washer, open ear for whining and ranting, target, boxing dummy, source of additional income, and occasional arm decor. In fact, it's waaaay too easy. So I'll ask again....Why'd you marry this dude?
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jan 14, 2016 20:25:59 GMT -5
It's not hard to be "wanted" when you're the unpaid accountant, maid, child care provider, medical aid provider, cook, bottle washer, open ear for whining and ranting, target, boxing dummy, source of additional income, and occasional arm decor. In fact, it's waaaay too easy. So I'll ask again....Why'd you marry this dude? Since I haven't posted here previously, I don't know when you might have asked. The answer, however, is: Because I was very young and very naive. I learned.
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gregintenn
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Post by gregintenn on Jan 14, 2016 20:29:39 GMT -5
I didn't ask you in particular. I asked in general earlier in the thread.
I always hear about how sorry and worthless everyone's ex is, and was genuinely curious why they found this type person attractive.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jan 14, 2016 21:11:22 GMT -5
I married mine bcuz DH moved to OK. He came from a very dysfunctional family and his grandfather was a raging alcoholic and well as pervert. His father was a cheater. His mother was white trash. His father pretended to have class at least. His mother didn't even bother pretending. He assured me he didn't want to be anything like them and wanted to enter "my world." My mother warned me against him. Because of his family. I remember her exact words to this day. " He will do exactly to you what his father did to his mother, he don't be able to help himself because it's all he's ever known." She was so very right. On all counts. The minute he started doing well, just like his father, he turned into a cheating nasty prick. Then like his grandfather he became a drunk and a drug user and seller. He had me fooled for about five years. I stuck it out for eight more after that. I'm ashamed to even admit that but I didn't want to admit I'd chosen so poorly.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jan 14, 2016 21:14:48 GMT -5
But I totally blame myself. I married someone when I was in love with another. I married someone from a family iid never admit to even knowing to anyone I knew because they were so awful. In my defense my ex was ashamed of them as well. Of course now they're all tight as Velcro.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 14, 2016 21:24:49 GMT -5
With my first husband, we just were together from college. Why WOULDN'T we get married. We got along great, survived remodeling one house for resale and building a second. I only remember us having one fight ever. I still have no idea what really happened there and it doesn't matter. I don't think he's sorry or worthless and we're still good friends united against this spawn of ours. The second time through I was probably not thinking straight. Even though it had been several years since first husband and I separated, I was broken and sad. I wanted to believe in a fairy tale and the happy endings. He was handsome, he was charming as all get out and he treated me very well while we were dating. That was easily the greatest two years of my life. Looking back now, there were signs, but I overlooked them at the time because everything else was so great. But, even so, a psychotic break 3 years into the marriage isn't something I would have predicted.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 14, 2016 21:30:11 GMT -5
I didn't ask you in particular. I asked in general earlier in the thread. I always hear about how sorry and worthless everyone's ex is, and was genuinely curious why they found this type person attractive. Sorry and worthless does not necessarily mean dumb. Dumb would be letting a potential spouse see major character flaws before the deal is sealed. One can only pretend for so long though, and eventually their true colors start to show. And people do change. In good ways, bad ways, and sometimes it's neither, but two individuals can change and grow in different directions and start wanting very different things in life. I didn't have a horrible marriage. My ex husband tried to be a good husband and father while we were married. Our mistake was getting married way too young, before we even knew ourselves, let alone what we needed in a life partner. As the years passed after our divorce, he became someone I didn't even have much respect for. My kids started mentioning their Dad smoking weed. He didn't smoke weed when we were married and if he did, I would have had a problem with our kids knowing about it. The job he lost a couple years after our divorce was the last real job he's had. He stopped taking care of his children, rarely even saw them unless he ran into them at his parent's house. For about a year, his parents supported him financially, completely. None of that was the man I married. The man I was married to took care of himself and his responsibilities. He started saying white people were evil and blaming them for all his problems and all of a sudden everything was a conspiracy. And he got into some really weird "religions". Fortunately by the time he got all those strange ideas, my kids were old enough to know that it was crazy talk. If I hadn't already, I would have divorced him just for telling my young children all that stupid shit. All of that happened after we divorced, but he's a real example of how people can change so much that they aren't even close to the person they use to be. I'm not the same person I was when we got married either, but there's no way in hell I could have adapted to the person he's become.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 14, 2016 21:35:50 GMT -5
With my first husband, we just were together from college. Why WOULDN'T we get married. We got along great, survived remodeling one house for resale and building a second. I only remember us having one fight ever. I still have no idea what really happened there and it doesn't matter. I don't think he's sorry or worthless and we're still good friends united against this spawn of ours. The second time through I was probably not thinking straight. Even though it had been several years since first husband and I separated, I was broken and sad. I wanted to believe in a fairy tale and the happy endings. He was handsome, he was charming as all get out and he treated me very well while we were dating. That was easily the greatest two years of my life. Looking back now, there were signs, but I overlooked them at the time because everything else was so great. But, even so, a psychotic break 3 years into the marriage isn't something I would have predicted. What were the signs? I understand if you'd rather not answer. I'm just curious.
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gregintenn
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Post by gregintenn on Jan 14, 2016 21:45:22 GMT -5
I guess I really did hit the marriage lottery! 20 years now, and my wife keeps getting better.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 14, 2016 22:47:47 GMT -5
With my first husband, we just were together from college. Why WOULDN'T we get married. We got along great, survived remodeling one house for resale and building a second. I only remember us having one fight ever. I still have no idea what really happened there and it doesn't matter. I don't think he's sorry or worthless and we're still good friends united against this spawn of ours. The second time through I was probably not thinking straight. Even though it had been several years since first husband and I separated, I was broken and sad. I wanted to believe in a fairy tale and the happy endings. He was handsome, he was charming as all get out and he treated me very well while we were dating. That was easily the greatest two years of my life. Looking back now, there were signs, but I overlooked them at the time because everything else was so great. But, even so, a psychotic break 3 years into the marriage isn't something I would have predicted. What were the signs? I understand if you'd rather not answer. I'm just curious. Well, some were blatantly obvious like his problems with the law. Others were more subtle. Some are even hard to verbalize. More of a feeling of "that's just not right". Weird reactions to things. Weird religious stuff. Angry outbursts over things that didn't warrant it. I remember him going off on the garage door at his apartment complex once. I can't even remember what for, but I know we had ribs in the oven and had biked to Kmart and lost the keys to the bike locks or something. Then there was the time he completely went off on me for trying to make out with him during a Vikings game (on TV, not the stadium!). He was yelling about how he knew how women worked and I was testing him. It was very much not right and I remember at the time being all befuddled that an offer of sex would enrage a guy, it's not like he is even a huge football fan. Addiction issues, there were signs there too, but nothing that became crystal clear until hindsight kicked in. But stuff like that was not the norm and easily swept under the rug. He usually was very good at damage control and somehow got me feeling guilty about a lot of the things he did/said.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Jan 15, 2016 0:18:34 GMT -5
Well, this took an interesting turn.
We married because we'd had a child six months after graduating from high school. My mother convinced me that no one else would ever be interested in me. Since I was already embarrassing her, I should get married to make it at least a little better. My father knew I would not be happy. I still don't have much self-esteem.
I knew I shouldn't have married him on our wedding day. I liked him, but I never loved him. I have told him and others that the actual wedding and divorce were my fault. The state of the marriage were both of our faults. He didn't want a wife; he wanted a mother/housekeeper/manager. He also didn't/doesn't want to work very much. I wasn't used to living in poverty, and I didn't like it. The was juxtaposed with my intense desire to stay home with my children. He lived and continues to live in a constant state of selfishness. He's nice but everything must be about him and what he wants. He is not interested in our children other than having them fawn over him; they grew weary of that role. At some point, I really grew to dislike him and hate myself. At that point, I was incredibly rude to him all the time. It was an impossible situation.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Jan 15, 2016 0:21:58 GMT -5
Does your divorce paperwork say anything about getting him off the mortgage? I don't remember. Yes. I don't feel like getting it out right now, but it is something to the effect of removing him by 24 months after the finalization of the divorce. That would be Nov 2009. I didn't understand (I only fault my own ignorance) that I couldn't refinance because of the drop in property value or the re-structured mortgage rules. From 2004 - 2006 I was approved for two mortgages. The first one, I didn't even have a full time job.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Jan 15, 2016 0:28:33 GMT -5
If not, I don't know why prenuptial agreements are so popular. Under Wisconsin Marital Property law, if you have a prenup and it is not disclosed to the lender, the lender can come after both parties just as if it does not exist. Your only rights are to sue the one who ignored the prenup and try to collect.
Did you ever hear the saying "You Can't get blood from a turnip" well you can't collect $$ from a deadbeat. I am convinced my ExDH changed (for the worse). I used to call him every month trying to collect his 1/2 of the bills we remained "jointly and severally liable" for after our divorce. It was always I'll pay you in 3 days or 5 days or whatever. My Mom finally told me to pay the bills off and be done with him, that she felt he was deriving some type of macabre enjoyment out of jerking me around. I have always felt it was some of the best advice I have ever been given.
Chloe, I really am left wondering if all your struggling to right the ship is worthwhile. If you filed bankruptcy, it would be behind you and you could start over. It is going to take you way longer than 7 years to get this ship righted.
zib is correct. I've already spent seven years trying to fix it. If I'd filed bankruptcy immediately after my divorce, it'd be off my record by now. Until three or four years ago, I really didn't understand how deep of a pool I'd sunk into. Now, my husband (we married in 2010 and lived together for 18 months before that) holds a public position in which his credit report is part of his job qualifications. Granted, he'd kind of went on a spending spree for a few years when he was getting divorced and dug himself into a hole. It was just that my totals were 5x his.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jan 15, 2016 4:35:30 GMT -5
I'm so sorry for you and for all of us who made such glaring errors in our judgments and didn't trust ourselves.
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milee
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Post by milee on Jan 15, 2016 8:07:56 GMT -5
I guess I really did hit the marriage lottery! 20 years now, and my wife keeps getting better. Since you keep referring to the marriage "lottery" - implying there's a large element of risk and chance involved - why would it surprise you so much that others drew a losing ticket instead of the winning one?
Seriously, either you think you were just smarter than OP in choosing a mate (no lottery involved) or you recognize that there are some things at play that were beyond your control. In your case, the breaks went in your direction, in OP's the breaks went the other way.
I think that there are definitely things we can all do to increase or decrease the chances of marriage success. I also think there are things that happen within the marriage and within the other person that are beyond our control.
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gregintenn
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Post by gregintenn on Jan 15, 2016 8:35:29 GMT -5
I married the girl I wanted to be married to, and it turns out I was right. I just assumed that's the way it works. Reading here, I find that this usually isn't the case.
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OldCoyote
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Post by OldCoyote on Jan 15, 2016 8:38:44 GMT -5
After reading all the problems with the Ex's here, I will point out that my wife and I in March will be married for fifty years! That is because of my wife incredible judgement, and me being almost perfect! My wife just read this, Whacked me upside the head.
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milee
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Post by milee on Jan 15, 2016 8:45:29 GMT -5
I married the girl I wanted to be married to, and it turns out I was right. I just assumed that's the way it works. Reading here, I find that this usually isn't the case. I'm guessing you're trying to joke or be cute, but you're coming across like an insensitive jerk. Especially since you're posting this in a thread started by someone who has been open about how painful divorce has been and continues to be for her.
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dannylion
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Post by dannylion on Jan 15, 2016 8:47:48 GMT -5
I married the girl I wanted to be married to, and it turns out I was right. I just assumed that's the way it works. Reading here, I find that this usually isn't the case. How's the view from that pedestal?
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Post by Deleted on Jan 15, 2016 8:49:47 GMT -5
He's just being a jerk. With over 50% of marriages ending in divorce, that's obviously not "the way it works". I'm pretty certain most of these people married people they wanted to be married to.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jan 15, 2016 8:51:56 GMT -5
I married the girl I wanted to be married to, and it turns out I was right. I just assumed that's the way it works. Reading here, I find that this usually isn't the case. I don't think I'd jump to the conclusion that it usually isn't the case just because of a few anecdotal reports. If I remember correctly, the divorce rate runs between 40 and 50 percent. My late husband and I were married for 37 years. I'd grown up by the time we married.
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