beergut
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Post by beergut on Jul 7, 2015 14:44:02 GMT -5
A note on the camps:
When I first thought about the soccer camp for the 15 yr old, I asked GF if she thought it was a good idea, and if she would be okay with me sending the 15 yr old there.
When the 17 yr old brought me the brochure for the athletic training camp, I asked GF if this meant this was something she wanted to do. The 17 yr old didn't ask me to send her to the camp, she just handed me a brochure. The decision to send her to the camp was a discussion between GF and I.
The 17 yr old had a blast, and will tell anyone who sits still for 5 seconds about the camp.
The 15 yr old was on Twitter bragging about the accommodations at camp, and came back wanting to attend A&M.
In both cases, I consider it money well spent.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 7, 2015 14:49:51 GMT -5
beergut, what you are refusing to understand is that people are asking how much are you really contributing?
How much did your girlfriend spend on groceries before you moved in? That is what you are contributing toward the household's monthly spending. If she spent $500 and you now spend $700, then you are contributing $500 by taking over that category. Does she hand you a list? Or do you give her money to buy groceries?
I'd leave vacations out of this because they are really at your discretion. If she said (which she did), "Oh, honey, let's make it a vacation while the other two are at camp. It will reduce four days worth of driving to two," you had the ability to say no and refuse to cover it. So you aren't covering "vacations" as a category. You are covering vacations that you approve.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Jul 7, 2015 15:34:15 GMT -5
I'm talking about her household's total grocery bill. I think that it's safe to assume that it went up when going from 4 to 5 people. I think you're reading what I'm saying, but not fully understanding it. She pays NOTHING for any groceries or food for me, because I always buy the groceries, especially for myself. I think the only time she has paid for food for me in the time we have been dating was a meal on my birthday. In theory, going from 4 to 5 people in a household would increase the food bill, except in cases where the 5th person does all of the food shopping. Actually, you're not understanding what I'm saying. SS1954 gets it. How much less is your GD spending now that you took over paying for the groceries? I get it, its zero now. What was she spending before you came along?
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Jul 7, 2015 15:47:30 GMT -5
I think this thread has pretty much run its course.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 7, 2015 15:55:54 GMT -5
So, OP, what do YOU feel is a fair contribution?
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Jul 7, 2015 16:42:22 GMT -5
I'm talking about her household's total grocery bill. I think that it's safe to assume that it went up when going from 4 to 5 people. I think you're reading what I'm saying, but not fully understanding it. She pays NOTHING for any groceries or food for me, because I always buy the groceries, especially for myself. I think the only time she has paid for food for me in the time we have been dating was a meal on my birthday. In theory, going from 4 to 5 people in a household would increase the food bill, except in cases where the 5th person does all of the food shopping. Now you are being deliberately obtuse. Do you honestly not see what people are asking you? What were her bills before you moved in? What were your bills before you moved in? What are the joint bills now?
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 7, 2015 18:12:24 GMT -5
He's not being obtuse. He doesn't want to answer.
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Jul 7, 2015 21:48:04 GMT -5
Beer, it has nothing to do with paying on the mortgage. My mortgage was $686 when my first bf moved in. But, I also had taxes, insurance, hoa, garbage, water, sewage, power, gas, cable, internet and a home phone. By the time all that was added in- $1500. And that is just the basic predictable expenses. Instead of splitting things down the middle, we decided he would pay $500/month. You could argue it went to the mortgage or a couple of bills. Regardless, it was sharing living expenses- not a landlord/renter situation. After that relationship ended, another bf moved in and he refused to pay anything insisting I would have those bills with or without him. Drove me nuts. There is no excuse for an able working adult not to pay something for the roof over their head. You probably got a fully furnished place out of this deal as well. apparently - not nuts enough.... Oh no, I am pretty nuts. But it seems beer may have a similar stance and shouldn't have to pay towards anything but food since she would have the other bills with or without him.
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beergut
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Post by beergut on Jul 8, 2015 6:52:39 GMT -5
apparently - not nuts enough.... Oh no, I am pretty nuts. But it seems beer may have a similar stance and shouldn't have to pay towards anything but food since she would have the other bills with or without him. Actually, that isn't my stance. I do think your boyfriend (are you still with that guy?) is off, because while it is true that you would still have those bills with or without him there, he would have bills of his own that are gone now because he is living with you. Therefore, he needs to contribute. The purpose of the OP here was to vent. It is somewhat humorous that people automatically feel entitled to certain information even though I never asked for their help. Without going into too much detail, my cost of living before moving in with GF were very minimal. Since moving in with her, my monthly expenditures have more than tripled. There are always some things kids need that I'm happy to help with. It is a constant struggle, because I look at the fact that their father gets off with paying just child support, and I don't want to take on the financial burden of raising someone else's kids, and just take him off the hook. If we were married and I officially became their stepfather, that would be different, but we're not married now.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Jul 8, 2015 7:14:40 GMT -5
Oh no, I am pretty nuts. But it seems beer may have a similar stance and shouldn't have to pay towards anything but food since she would have the other bills with or without him. Without going into too much detail, my cost of living before moving in with GF were very minimal. Since moving in with her, my monthly expenditures have more than tripled. There are always some things kids need that I'm happy to help with. It is a constant struggle, because I look at the fact that their father gets off with paying just child support, and I don't want to take on the financial burden of raising someone else's kids, and just take him off the hook. If we were married and I officially became their stepfather, that would be different, but we're not married now. That is a weird place to be in.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Jul 8, 2015 7:34:55 GMT -5
Oh no, I am pretty nuts. But it seems beer may have a similar stance and shouldn't have to pay towards anything but food since she would have the other bills with or without him. Actually, that isn't my stance. I do think your boyfriend (are you still with that guy?) is off, because while it is true that you would still have those bills with or without him there, he would have bills of his own that are gone now because he is living with you. Therefore, he needs to contribute. The purpose of the OP here was to vent. It is somewhat humorous that people automatically feel entitled to certain information even though I never asked for their help. Without going into too much detail, my cost of living before moving in with GF were very minimal. Since moving in with her, my monthly expenditures have more than tripled. There are always some things kids need that I'm happy to help with. It is a constant struggle, because I look at the fact that their father gets off with paying just child support, and I don't want to take on the financial burden of raising someone else's kids, and just take him off the hook. If we were married and I officially became their stepfather, that would be different, but we're not married now. People are pretty much saying that you don't have a right to complain because you're hardly contributing. I was trying to defend you, but if you want to leave it at that, that's fine. I'm outta here. Good luck getting any sympathy from a bunch of single moms.
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beergut
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Jul 8, 2015 7:41:10 GMT -5
Post by beergut on Jul 8, 2015 7:41:10 GMT -5
Actually, that isn't my stance. I do think your boyfriend (are you still with that guy?) is off, because while it is true that you would still have those bills with or without him there, he would have bills of his own that are gone now because he is living with you. Therefore, he needs to contribute. The purpose of the OP here was to vent. It is somewhat humorous that people automatically feel entitled to certain information even though I never asked for their help. Without going into too much detail, my cost of living before moving in with GF were very minimal. Since moving in with her, my monthly expenditures have more than tripled. There are always some things kids need that I'm happy to help with. It is a constant struggle, because I look at the fact that their father gets off with paying just child support, and I don't want to take on the financial burden of raising someone else's kids, and just take him off the hook. If we were married and I officially became their stepfather, that would be different, but we're not married now. People are pretty much saying that you don't have a right to complain because you're hardly contributing. I was trying to defend you, but if you want to leave it at that, that's fine. I'm outta here. Good luck getting any sympathy from a bunch of single moms. Ah, but I am contributing, people just assumed the worst and ran with it, and I was amused by their reaction, so kept reading. My GF and I constantly talk, and a common question from both of us is, "Do you need more from me?" When she continually says 'no', what am I supposed to do? Force her to take money? There is also the issue that I have family and friends telling me I am way too generous with the her and with the kids. Given that I have people telling me I'm too generous, and people on here saying I'm not doing enough, I'd say the truth is somewhere in the middle. Edit to add: I'm assuming you are a single mom, so I'll ask your opinion. I feel the bio-dad doesn't do enough for his kids, as I've said on this thread multiple times. Knowing that, how much of a responsibility would you say I have to fill in for what is missing in their lives?
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jul 8, 2015 7:50:53 GMT -5
When people say they want to vent, what they really want is to hear is "yeah yeah, we get it, we hear you, we sympathize". The only way to get that kind of a response is to post something completely non controversial, like your cat died.
Anything other than that and people will post their opinions and will ask questions. And why wouldn't they? It's a public message board! Its entire purpose is to post opinions and ask questions.
If anyone wants to vent without getting comments and questions and assumptions, they should write in their diary, not a message board.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Jul 8, 2015 7:55:49 GMT -5
People are pretty much saying that you don't have a right to complain because you're hardly contributing. I was trying to defend you, but if you want to leave it at that, that's fine. I'm outta here. Good luck getting any sympathy from a bunch of single moms. Ah, but I am contributing, people just assumed the worst and ran with it, and I was amused by their reaction, so kept reading. My GF and I constantly talk, and a common question from both of us is, "Do you need more from me?" When she continually says 'no', what am I supposed to do? Force her to take money? There is also the issue that I have family and friends telling me I am way too generous with the her and with the kids. Given that I have people telling me I'm too generous, and people on here saying I'm not doing enough, I'd say the truth is somewhere in the middle. Edit to add: I'm assuming you are a single mom, so I'll ask your opinion. I feel the bio-dad doesn't do enough for his kids, as I've said on this thread multiple times. Knowing that, how much of a responsibility would you say I have to fill in for what is missing in their lives? I think responsibility is the wrong word here. It is a choice for you. What you do is up to you. And not doing as much will not suddenly make the loser step up to the plate. He's made his choice. Of course you shouldn't have to take over his role but that's where you are at. My mother should have done her part. She didn't though. She didn't even pay child support or chip in on anything. My stepmom and dad raised me. She resented us to a degree but she raised us. I am where I am in part due to her. Things weren't fair but my brother and I turned out to be far more successful than her bio kid. So yeah you have a choice to make. It's a crappy one for sure but it's a choice. A choice to be involved and help out them on the path to being successful adults or to do less and blame their dad for stepping out.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Jul 8, 2015 8:11:06 GMT -5
People are pretty much saying that you don't have a right to complain because you're hardly contributing. I was trying to defend you, but if you want to leave it at that, that's fine. I'm outta here. Good luck getting any sympathy from a bunch of single moms. Ah, but I am contributing, people just assumed the worst and ran with it, and I was amused by their reaction, so kept reading. My GF and I constantly talk, and a common question from both of us is, "Do you need more from me?" When she continually says 'no', what am I supposed to do? Force her to take money? There is also the issue that I have family and friends telling me I am way too generous with the her and with the kids. Given that I have people telling me I'm too generous, and people on here saying I'm not doing enough, I'd say the truth is somewhere in the middle. Edit to add: I'm assuming you are a single mom, so I'll ask your opinion. I feel the bio-dad doesn't do enough for his kids, as I've said on this thread multiple times. Knowing that, how much of a responsibility would you say I have to fill in for what is missing in their lives? I'm not a single mom. I avoided that when dating, as my mom was a step-mom to my siblings and it's always been weird at the least. As a live in BF, it sounds like you do more than enough, as a step dad, I have no idea. You have to keep your audience here in mind, though. Seems like a few think you should lay open your wallet. (Sounds like you already did with your heart? ). I would say, if you get married, be prepared for a full 50/50.
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tallguy
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Post by tallguy on Jul 8, 2015 8:13:24 GMT -5
This is STILL going on?
Here is the point in a nutshell. Since you two have decided that you will live there, your RESPONSIBILITY is to pay a fair division of expenses. ALL household expenses. Sit down, figure out everything, and give her a check. Your CHOICE is to help with extras (such as camps) that mom agrees are appropriate. You do NOT get to concentrate on providing "extras" and considering that to be equivalent simply because the amount of spending is similar. That is not fair to the mother. Please tell us you get that. A simple yes or no will suffice, rather than the silly, self-justifying dance you've been doing here.
YES! (If you are not already paying a legitimate portion of ALL regular living expenses.)
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 8, 2015 8:15:47 GMT -5
I bet it does cost you 3x more than it used to. Btw, asking someone if they need anything usually gets a "no" response. That doesn't mean they don't . On the other hand, you've been able to live pretty much for nothing a fair amount of your life. Did you expect to move in and continue that life? You both are not on the same page and seem to have expectations that may not be realistic. Have you both sat down and laid it out on black and white? It's been quite awhile now even since you started this thread. Previous threads of yours talked about how you lived and other things. It's not like no one knows. You think bio dad should pay more child support? Is that it? Certainly that would improve her living situation and therefore yours. The fact that he doesn't see them bothers you? She could take him to court and insist on visitation. She obviously doesn't want to. Sharing holidays sucks big time. How old are you anyway?
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jul 8, 2015 8:29:28 GMT -5
I have no idea why so many of you think he should be paying more. It' one of him and four of them. The additional cost of him living there is very minimal, food and electric and that's about it. He is already covering ALL the food. I think it's plenty.
It's completely irrelevant how much he paid or didn't pay before he moved in.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Jul 8, 2015 8:30:41 GMT -5
I have no idea why so many of you think he should be paying more. It' one of him and four of them. The additional cost of him living there is very minimal, food and electric and that's about it. He is already covering ALL the food. I think it's plenty. It's completely irrelevant how much he paid or didn't pay before he moved in. because it is a weird situation to be in. There are no right answers.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jul 8, 2015 8:32:58 GMT -5
I have no idea why so many of you think he should be paying more. It' one of him and four of them. The additional cost of him living there is very minimal, food and electric and that's about it. He is already covering ALL the food. I think it's plenty. It's completely irrelevant how much he paid or didn't pay before he moved in. because it is a weird situation to be in. There are no right answers. Weirdness of a situation has nothing to do with its monetary value. And there ARE right answers - they are the ones that satisfy two people in this situation. It just seems that one of them is not very satisfied at the moment
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Blonde Granny
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Post by Blonde Granny on Jul 8, 2015 8:40:33 GMT -5
+++++++++++++++
Then the question really seems to be: Is he upset because he's spending too much money? Upset because she lied to him? Upset because he just lost control over her when she had fun with her shopping?
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Jul 8, 2015 8:40:43 GMT -5
because it is a weird situation to be in. There are no right answers. Weirdness of a situation has nothing to do with its monetary value. And there ARE right answers - they are the ones that satisfy two people in this situation. It just seems that one of them is not very satisfied at the moment There are 5 people in this situation
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Jul 8, 2015 8:42:32 GMT -5
People are pretty much saying that you don't have a right to complain because you're hardly contributing. I was trying to defend you, but if you want to leave it at that, that's fine. I'm outta here. Good luck getting any sympathy from a bunch of single moms. Ah, but I am contributing, people just assumed the worst and ran with it, and I was amused by their reaction, so kept reading. My GF and I constantly talk, and a common question from both of us is, "Do you need more from me?" When she continually says 'no', what am I supposed to do? Force her to take money? There is also the issue that I have family and friends telling me I am way too generous with the her and with the kids. Given that I have people telling me I'm too generous, and people on here saying I'm not doing enough, I'd say the truth is somewhere in the middle. Edit to add: I'm assuming you are a single mom, so I'll ask your opinion. I feel the bio-dad doesn't do enough for his kids, as I've said on this thread multiple times. Knowing that, how much of a responsibility would you say I have to fill in for what is missing in their lives? People make assumptions all the time. The point most of us were making was that maybe she isn't getting the deal you think she is. Maybe she is. We don't know, but looking at the way you have set things up may be setting yourself up for resentment. You say your expenses have tripled, but have your necessities tripled or are you spending more on wants? I commend you for helping the kids out. That is awesome. But just because you think you are giving your gf a good deal, doesn't mean you are. What were her expenses before you moved in? What are they now? I get venting, but the more you talk and defend your stance, the more conveluted your finances with your GF seem to be. Usually when someone vents about something, there is a lot leading up to it. Heck from an outside it might seem completely innocuous.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jul 8, 2015 8:44:49 GMT -5
Weirdness of a situation has nothing to do with its monetary value. And there ARE right answers - they are the ones that satisfy two people in this situation. It just seems that one of them is not very satisfied at the moment There are 5 people in this situation Well, kids really don't have much of say in who is paying for what, so I am not counting them
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Jul 8, 2015 8:51:28 GMT -5
I have no idea why so many of you think he should be paying more. It' one of him and four of them. The additional cost of him living there is very minimal, food and electric and that's about it. He is already covering ALL the food. I think it's plenty. It's completely irrelevant how much he paid or didn't pay before he moved in. I don't think you can tell from what he has posted if what he is contributing is enough. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. He says his expenses have tripled, but how much of that is weekend getaways and stuff for the kids. I think it does matter what his expenses were before. I don't have a clue how you come up with an equitable distribution in this situation. Maybe the water bill has doubled since he moved in or the electronic went up 50%? Maybe she got by with groceries being $500 and now he is spending $1000. Or maybe he is getting by with only spending $500 on food. Who knows? But I think previous expenses do matter to a car extent.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Jul 8, 2015 9:12:53 GMT -5
There are 5 people in this situation Well, kids really don't have much of say in who is paying for what, so I am not counting them The kids in broken homes are always forgotten.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Jul 8, 2015 9:23:21 GMT -5
People are pretty much saying that you don't have a right to complain because you're hardly contributing. I was trying to defend you, but if you want to leave it at that, that's fine. I'm outta here. Good luck getting any sympathy from a bunch of single moms. Ah, but I am contributing, people just assumed the worst and ran with it, and I was amused by their reaction, so kept reading. My GF and I constantly talk, and a common question from both of us is, "Do you need more from me?" When she continually says 'no', what am I supposed to do? Force her to take money? There is also the issue that I have family and friends telling me I am way too generous with the her and with the kids. Given that I have people telling me I'm too generous, and people on here saying I'm not doing enough, I'd say the truth is somewhere in the middle. Edit to add: I'm assuming you are a single mom, so I'll ask your opinion. I feel the bio-dad doesn't do enough for his kids, as I've said on this thread multiple times. Knowing that, how much of a responsibility would you say I have to fill in for what is missing in their lives? You've already taken on the responsibility whether you admit it or not. The big question is do you want to continue to do so and can you get over the resentment? You pay for things for the kids, and SAY you don't mind, but then you SAY that you're annoyed dad gets off scot free. I understand feeling both, boy do I. I'm on both sides of the equation, my oldest is my DH's step child and I'm step mom to his boy. Neither of their other parents is worth putting out if they were on fire. (to us anyway, the kids might think differently ) Both have paid SOME child support, but not consistently or nearly enough monetarily in one case. (My ex's) You can resent it until it splits you up or you can decide the kids/relationship with their mom is worth it and move on. You dang sure can't get the ex to pay up. My 2 cents, for what it's worth.
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Chocolate Lover
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Jul 8, 2015 9:45:49 GMT -5
Post by Chocolate Lover on Jul 8, 2015 9:45:49 GMT -5
You've already taken on the responsibility whether you admit it or not. The big question is do you want to continue to do so and can you get over the resentment? You pay for things for the kids, and SAY you don't mind, but then you SAY that you're annoyed dad gets off scot free. I understand feeling both, boy do I. I'm on both sides of the equation, my oldest is my DH's step child and I'm step mom to his boy. Neither of their other parents is worth putting out if they were on fire. (to us anyway, the kids might think differently ) Both have paid SOME child support, but not consistently or nearly enough monetarily in one case. (My ex's) You can resent it until it splits you up or you can decide the kids/relationship with their mom is worth it and move on. You dang sure can't get the ex to pay up. My 2 cents, for what it's worth. I think those 2 cents are pretty valuable! Well, thank you very much! wvugurl26 has some good insights too, from the kids perspective.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 8, 2015 11:42:45 GMT -5
What zibazinski keeps alluding to is that Beer lived with his parents when he met his GF. That's IIRC.
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Jul 8, 2015 15:41:01 GMT -5
Oh no, I am pretty nuts. But it seems beer may have a similar stance and shouldn't have to pay towards anything but food since she would have the other bills with or without him. Actually, that isn't my stance. I do think your boyfriend (are you still with that guy?) is off, because while it is true that you would still have those bills with or without him there, he would have bills of his own that are gone now because he is living with you. Therefore, he needs to contribute. The purpose of the OP here was to vent. It is somewhat humorous that people automatically feel entitled to certain information even though I never asked for their help. Without going into too much detail, my cost of living before moving in with GF were very minimal. Since moving in with her, my monthly expenditures have more than tripled. There are always some things kids need that I'm happy to help with. It is a constant struggle, because I look at the fact that their father gets off with paying just child support, and I don't want to take on the financial burden of raising someone else's kids, and just take him off the hook. If we were married and I officially became their stepfather, that would be different, but we're not married now. But that is because you moved out of your parents' house to living with your girlfriend, correct? Everyone's living expenses were minimal when they lived with their parents.
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