beergut
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Post by beergut on Jun 20, 2015 5:03:40 GMT -5
So I sent GF's two daughters to camps in College Station, one a soccer camp and the other an athletic training camp. Because the two camps required a morning registration on different days, and GF didn't want to wake up at the crack of dawn to drive the 3 hours from Dallas to CS and come back, only to turn around and do it again a day later, she wanted to stay in CS for the whole week. I didn't want to do it, because that means a week worth of hotel stays, and that becomes expensive. I'd rather one of us of drop one off one day, and the other drop the other one off the next day. Six hours of driving isn't fun, but it would save some money and fatigue. GF wanted to do a vacation, though, so she took both daughters and her son. I stayed in Dallas, because I am dog-sitting for my parents who are in Italy for two weeks. I get a text message on Thursday, where she is somewhat embarrassed. Apparently she bought a lamp back in September that was on back order, and it finally arrived, so the $200 charge hit her account unexpectedly. If she had properly accounted for that at the time she made the purchase, this wouldn't be an issue, but hey, mistakes happen, I can understand how this happened. I transfer $200 into an account for her so she is back on budget. Then yesterday, I get another text, this time saying the hotel charges for 'incidentals' were more than she thought they would be, the entrance fee for a shooting competition one of the daughters is in apparently wasn't budgeted for, etc. I asked her how much she needs, she said $300 to be safe. She said she is ashamed to ask me for the money. So, I didn't go on this trip because I thought it would be too expensive and not worth it, but it has cost me $500 so far anyway.
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milee
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Post by milee on Jun 20, 2015 7:40:36 GMT -5
She said she is ashamed to ask me for the money. Her repeated actions say otherwise.
Not in any way saying she's a bad person or that you should run away or anything dramatic. Just pointing out that if this is something you don't like - stepping in to rescue her when she can't manage money - then you're setting up a pattern that's going to be difficult if not impossible to change later.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Jun 20, 2015 7:43:56 GMT -5
She said she is ashamed to ask me for the money. Her repeated actions say otherwise.
Not in any way saying she's a bad person or that you should run away or anything dramatic. Just pointing out that if this is something you don't like - stepping in to rescue her when she can't manage money - then you're setting up a pattern that's going to be difficult if not impossible to change later.
Amen! You beat me to it!
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Deleted
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Gah!!!
Jun 20, 2015 7:48:29 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Jun 20, 2015 7:48:29 GMT -5
Is this an isolated instance, or is this recurring behavior? (Yes, I know it was two requests, but not necessarily two instances of bad decision, ie the vacation).
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Jun 20, 2015 8:01:56 GMT -5
If she runs her account down to the edge like that, maybe she shouldn't spend $200 on a lamp. Maybe she should have just did the day of driving instead of spending money on a vacation she can't afford. I think when she gets back I would have a talk about money management and that she can't expect you to bail her out whenever she makes bad decisions.
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tallguy
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Post by tallguy on Jun 20, 2015 8:03:54 GMT -5
This would certainly give me pause about both her and the relationship going forward.
The smarter thing would have been to do one overnight in a cheap motel so as to avoid the extra six hours driving and gas money. If $200 is that big of a hit to her financial stability that she has to ask you for money, then a week-long vacation with three kids should have been out of the question. And to compound that with asking for ANOTHER $300 (for completely avoidable expenses) in spite of her professed "shame?"
I'm sorry. I don't buy it for a minute. I don't see any shame on her part. I DO see a lack of financial accountability and a lack of respect. I assume from this:
that you paid for the camps as well. Has her financial situation changed for the worse in the last few months? From the information given, I have difficulty seeing how she even thought a $200 lamp was a reasonable purchase....
From your unwillingness to spend for a week of hotel stays, I would guess you are not the "sugar daddy" type. How does she see you? Is this a pattern?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 20, 2015 8:05:00 GMT -5
This is all your fault, you know. If you had gone on vacation with her, as she asked, you would have picked up the tab for the hotel including the incidentals. You would have also paid for the food, etc. Then the extra for shooting would come up with you around.
It isn't the Princess's fault!
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tallguy
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Gah!!!
Jun 20, 2015 9:03:22 GMT -5
Post by tallguy on Jun 20, 2015 9:03:22 GMT -5
At that point I probably would have "lost" my phone....
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 20, 2015 9:06:09 GMT -5
She's got to be good in bed.
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zibazinski
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Gah!!!
Jun 20, 2015 9:11:02 GMT -5
Post by zibazinski on Jun 20, 2015 9:11:02 GMT -5
Omg, this so reminds me of DH's ex!! Let's see now, last year his former stepdaughter asked him to go out for birthday dinner. She brings along her kids, her husband, and HIS parents. All proceed to drink and eat like pigs and when the tab comes , no one reaches for the bill so DH picks it up! For his own damn invited to dinner! Even the kid of the former stepdaughter says loudly why is grandpa paying for his birthday dinner. She's ignored. Get a text from former stepdaughter, she wants to take him out for father's day brunch. Fool me once....
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jun 20, 2015 9:22:04 GMT -5
I still can't get over the fact of sending kids to camp 3 hrs away that is not a sleep-away camp.
You must love your GF's kids waaaay more than I love mine. No way in hell would I be driving 6 hrs a day every day or even other day or even twice in one week.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 20, 2015 9:26:21 GMT -5
I'm sure he must have thought he'd get a break from those kids and maybe get some of that wonderful girlfriend booty! A fool and his money are soon parted.
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zibazinski
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Gah!!!
Jun 20, 2015 9:27:55 GMT -5
Post by zibazinski on Jun 20, 2015 9:27:55 GMT -5
Of course if he really has a beer gut, that might explain why she's in it for his money! Don't tell me, let me guess! The GF and her kids live with you, right? For free or very little contribution on her part?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 20, 2015 10:33:22 GMT -5
I don't think I'd attack the GF totally over this one.
Did beer & GF agree over the whole plan on how this distant camp fun was going to be supported BEFORE he told the kids & enrolled them? It does not sound like there was an agreed plan. He was definitely trying to do something nice, but maybe didn't think through all the implications. As a single parent (of 3), do I want my kids 3 hours away without a responsible adult there? And how does kid #3 react to the fact that older siblings got some sort of treat that he didn't? GF might have been trying to equalize so he'd have fun too.
I think the problem is that the discussion & agreement on expenses was missed. But also that the GF appears to be manipulative due to 'the lamp story' & then allowing incidental charges to mount up that she could not afford. Clearly she thought beer should fund the week of fun for ALL of them, but didn't have the balls to tell him.
beer, be careful of the manipulation. Have you experienced this kind of behavior with her before?
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Jun 20, 2015 10:44:13 GMT -5
When you don't have money, you shouldn't spend what little you have on lamps and a vacation. I've been in tough spots before and have made mistakes. I've never asked a SO to pay for things for me. Especially things that I didn't have any business even doing because they were above my means. I have also never asked for one to pay for a need or a want for my kids. Hell, Baby Daddy doesn't even pay for these kids. How can I expect another man to? Just my two cents. Carry on.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jun 20, 2015 10:56:53 GMT -5
Rough crowd here today I get Beer's frustration but don't know that we have enough info to really make an informed opinion. Is GF always like this? Why did beer foot the bill for summer camp. Is there something else going on? This is not the first time he complained about GF and $$
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Deleted
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Gah!!!
Jun 20, 2015 12:07:27 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Jun 20, 2015 12:07:27 GMT -5
Maybe I need back story then.
In general though, and nothing mean here, just different levels of experience, but husband is one to look at the 'cost of the ticket' rather than the 'cost of the experience'. I've. I agree that camp often costs more than just the fee...
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Post by Deleted on Jun 20, 2015 12:35:27 GMT -5
I still can't get over the fact of sending kids to camp 3 hrs away that is not a sleep-away camp. You must love your GF's kids waaaay more than I love mine. No way in hell would I be driving 6 hrs a day every day or even other day or even twice in one week. It sounds like it is a sleepover camp, but they start different days so 3 hours to take the one then go back the next day to drop off the other, then back in a week to pick them both up.
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milee
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Post by milee on Jun 20, 2015 13:24:08 GMT -5
Whoa, I didn't mean to touch off a hatefest with that first post. IMHO we don't have enough information to conclude anything horrible about the GF, I was commenting mainly about how people set patterns at the beginning of a relationship and how those patterns can be difficult to change later on. A lot of people enjoy doing nice things for people they love, so they like to help out in whatever way they can. Sometimes, depending on the timing of when the relationship starts and who has what to give, bad patterns can be set, albeit unintentionally.
Using myself as an example, when DH and I first got married I was still in college. Although I was going to college and also working full time, I didn't make nearly as much money as he did and felt very awkward and guilty about not contributing as much financially to the relationship. So, party because of that and partly because I was very much in love and wanted to find all sorts of nice things I could do for him, I did all the cooking, cleaning and well pretty much everything. It felt like taking care of him was a way to show love plus even up the different finances. So that's what I did for the first few years. Young in-love me also didn't have great family role models and lacking experience in relationships I didn't understand that marriage is not just about finance but how you divide up all the other stuff it takes to keep the household and family running.
The problem was that even after I graduated and got a great, high powered job working crazy hours and making great money... our relationship patterns had been set and I was still the one doing all that stuff and this has been almost impossible to change. Yes, DH has ownership in this because he's not willing to step up and I also have ownership because I am essentially "changing the rules" after years of marriage. It's tough and not working.
So my post wasn't to say that your GF is an awful person and you're not an idiot, but that it might be good to consider if you are setting yourself up for patterns that you will be unhappy with over the long term. Right now, it sounds like you want to take care of her and one of the ways you do that is financially. There's nothing inherently wrong with that. But think about if you're willing to have that be a permanent situation because it sounds like that is the pattern that's quickly developing and will be hard to change later.
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zibazinski
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Gah!!!
Jun 20, 2015 14:37:58 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by zibazinski on Jun 20, 2015 14:37:58 GMT -5
You know what? Whatever happened to the idea that YOU support what you bring into the world. It just stunned me when DH told me his ex quit her job and immediately had a cement child right after they got married. Okay, but when that cement child got old enough to go to school, why didn't she go to work to help send her first two by the pedophile jailbird to college? Nope, all on DH. He CLAIMS he asked her to get a job but she refused. I sincerely doubt his story frankly. But what about self respect? If DH offered to give my kids anything, I'd be grateful and surely wouldn't ask for more.
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beergut
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Gah!!!
Jun 20, 2015 15:25:08 GMT -5
Post by beergut on Jun 20, 2015 15:25:08 GMT -5
You know what? Whatever happened to the idea that YOU support what you bring into the world. It just stunned me when DH told me his ex quit her job and immediately had a cement child right after they got married. Okay, but when that cement child got old enough to go to school, why didn't she go to work to help send her first two by the pedophile jailbird to college? Nope, all on DH. He CLAIMS he asked her to get a job but she refused. I sincerely doubt his story frankly. But what about self respect? If DH offered to give my kids anything, I'd be grateful and surely wouldn't ask for more. I have never heard the term 'cement child' before, what is that?
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beergut
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Gah!!!
Jun 20, 2015 15:33:16 GMT -5
Post by beergut on Jun 20, 2015 15:33:16 GMT -5
She said she is ashamed to ask me for the money. Her repeated actions say otherwise.
Not in any way saying she's a bad person or that you should run away or anything dramatic. Just pointing out that if this is something you don't like - stepping in to rescue her when she can't manage money - then you're setting up a pattern that's going to be difficult if not impossible to change later.
I actually think she is being honest about the shame part. I think she is embarrassed. It is one thing to say you made a mistake, and something you bought 9 months ago and forgot about hit your budget. That is a mistake, and a little embarrassing. It is quite another to say that the budget you made was incorrect, and you can't afford the rest of your trip. That is downright humiliating. She knows that being fiscally responsible is important to me, so basically having to admit she was irresponsible is quite a blow to her ego.
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beergut
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Gah!!!
Jun 20, 2015 15:39:40 GMT -5
Post by beergut on Jun 20, 2015 15:39:40 GMT -5
If she runs her account down to the edge like that, maybe she shouldn't spend $200 on a lamp. Maybe she should have just did the day of driving instead of spending money on a vacation she can't afford. I think when she gets back I would have a talk about money management and that she can't expect you to bail her out whenever she makes bad decisions. Both of the lamps in the living room fried during a power surge last year. She wanted to go out and replace them, and I balked, because I didn't want to spend the money at the time. I wanted to get some cheap $30 lamps and be done with it. I'm sure she told me she went out and bought some lamps, but I've forgotten. Money management is an ongoing conversation with us.
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Gah!!!
Jun 20, 2015 15:41:21 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Jun 20, 2015 15:41:21 GMT -5
I am sure that beergut was trying to do something very nice; but at the same time his 'gift' came with about $250 in gasoline expense for GF and 18 hours of driving for her + the ride along kid I'm sure she rationalized that the cost of hotel was offset by the gas expense not incurred (but not really if she had actually done the math) and beergut would have helped her with that. So to her, except for the totally faulty math of gas vs hotel/food, she was thinking it was a vacation he was covering but opting out of. I agree that the early patterns set in relationships will carry forward, so people need to be careful of that. I had a boyfriend, when my kids were younger, that was all up for 'splitting costs' on dates etc. So going to the movies was $10 for him but $60 for me since I was paying a babysitter. At one point I brought it up to him that I really could not afford to go out due to babysitting costs that I didn't have room in the budget for. He happily said he'd split that with me, no problem. Two more times & he still didn't offer anything to cover babysitting. Wasn't nice & I felt tricked, so ended that. Not nice to manipulate that way either!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 20, 2015 15:50:42 GMT -5
Her repeated actions say otherwise.
Not in any way saying she's a bad person or that you should run away or anything dramatic. Just pointing out that if this is something you don't like - stepping in to rescue her when she can't manage money - then you're setting up a pattern that's going to be difficult if not impossible to change later.
I actually think she is being honest about the shame part. I think she is embarrassed. It is one thing to say you made a mistake, and something you bought 9 months ago and forgot about hit your budget. That is a mistake, and a little embarrassing. It is quite another to say that the budget you made was incorrect, and you can't afford the rest of your trip. That is downright humiliating. She knows that being fiscally responsible is important to me, so basically having to admit she was irresponsible is quite a blow to her ego. I would hope she was embarrassed. It sounds like her kids are older, so she's not some 20-something just starting out. I'm in the camp that's a little baffled that this wasn't something she could handle on her own, at least with putting it on a credit card.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Jun 20, 2015 15:55:59 GMT -5
In defense of the GF, when we decided we were not incurring any more CC debt, we stopped carrying CCs. If the GF is trying to get a handle on her finances in order to maintain her relationship with beergut, this might be a choice she's made.
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beergut
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Gah!!!
Jun 20, 2015 16:04:28 GMT -5
Post by beergut on Jun 20, 2015 16:04:28 GMT -5
I assume from this:
that you paid for the camps as well. Has her financial situation changed for the worse in the last few months? From the information given, I have difficulty seeing how she even thought a $200 lamp was a reasonable purchase....
From your unwillingness to spend for a week of hotel stays, I would guess you are not the "sugar daddy" type. How does she see you? Is this a pattern?
She has two daughters (17 and 15) and a son (13). 15 year old is a natural athlete, plays volleyball, soccer, and throws discus in track. She is phenomenal, when the HS had a freshman vs. juniors powder puff football game, she was out there dominating girls two years older than her. 15 year old is a goalie in soccer. A&M happens to be a national power in women's soccer, and the head coach is also the goalie coach for the U.S. national team developmental squad. I told GF in Spring of 2014 that it was too late at that time to get her into A&M's camp, but I would send her to the 2015 camp. If the 15 yr old is what I think she is, the A&M coaches would let me know. As far as I can see, there is no college savings for any of the three kids. The 15 yr old wants to be a doctor, and has the grades. If she is going to go to college, it will have to be on a scholarship. This camp is a showcase for a lot of college coaches and scouts, so I don't have a problem paying for her to go and be seen. If she ends up earning a scholarship somewhere, it will more than pay for itself. If she simply has a good time and improves her skills, it is worth it to me. The 17 yr old has been working on the athletic training staff at the HS for the last two years, and it is something she really enjoys. I was a student athletic trainer when I was in HS, although my HS paid for me to go to a camp. She came to me a few months ago with a brochure about the A&M camp, and told me it was something she wanted to do. The price was reasonable, and the 17 yr old is a big fan of A&M. She is severely ADHD, and doesn't have the grades to be admitted to A&M. She will most likely go to a community college for two years, then transfer to a four year school to finish her degree. This is an opportunity for her to 'go' to A&M for a few days, learn some things that will help her while working at her HS, and have some fun. Easy decision. The athletic department at A&M agreed to do the renovation of Kyle Field over two years instead of doing it all in one year, in part to appease local businesses, including hotels. In return for extending the renovation, they told the City of College Station they wanted them to help fund a portion of the renovation, to the tune of $15 million (renovation costs were estimated at $450 million, and will probably hit $500 million when it is done). The city council agreed, and the bulk of the money was to come from a hotel/motel tax. So what do the hotels and motels do? They pass that cost on to the customers in the form of an extra tax on their bill. I think the 'incidentals' was that tax charged on the bill over multiple days for the stay. I don't think that tax is included when you make your reservation online. I haven't asked GF about it, but I am pretty sure this is the reason the hotel costs were higher than she thought they would be.
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beergut
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Gah!!!
Jun 20, 2015 16:09:37 GMT -5
Post by beergut on Jun 20, 2015 16:09:37 GMT -5
how long have you been dating - and what is her basic financial situation? We've been dating for a little over a year and a half. She has a great job, makes good money (actually more than I do), and just blows through her paycheck. The biggest obstacle to us taking the next step is the financial issue. I'm not going to commit the rest of my life to someone who can't manage their money. Oh, and edit to add that she cut up her credit cards, and goes all cash now. So if she doesn't have it....
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beergut
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Jun 20, 2015 16:16:36 GMT -5
Post by beergut on Jun 20, 2015 16:16:36 GMT -5
I still can't get over the fact of sending kids to camp 3 hrs away that is not a sleep-away camp. You must love your GF's kids waaaay more than I love mine. No way in hell would I be driving 6 hrs a day every day or even other day or even twice in one week. They're both sleepover camps.
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beergut
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Post by beergut on Jun 20, 2015 16:29:23 GMT -5
Of course if he really has a beer gut, that might explain why she's in it for his money! Don't tell me, let me guess! The GF and her kids live with you, right? For free or very little contribution on her part? The 'beergut' thing is a joke. I used to post a lot (still occasionally do) on football coaching forums. I wanted a unique username people would remember, and remembered a poster my coach had above his desk diagramming all the parts of a coach's attire. It showed his stomach, his 'guts', 'extra guts', and then 'more guts than you'll ever have'. "CoachXtraGuts" didn't work, but "CoachBeergut" certainly did. I workout 4 times a week, and have been working out for 22 years. I'm by no means thin, but I drink so little that the 'beergut' pseudonym is a running joke with friends. Annnnd, I was just asked out by a hot little 21 year old last week, so I've still got it. As for the living situation, I live at her house. If she didn't have a job and a place to live, we wouldn't have made it past the first date.
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