beergut
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Gah!!!
Jul 6, 2015 6:27:38 GMT -5
Post by beergut on Jul 6, 2015 6:27:38 GMT -5
Only IF she also used to pay 800 a month for groceries. IF she didn't eat as much/the same kinds of things pre beer, and she shopped sales and coupons, etc. She might have only been spending $400... so if he's adding $300 to the household, she's up $100.
And that doesn't count adding to expenses such as going on more vacations etc. Its quite possible she is not ahead at all with him living in the house. Like I said, I'm making wild guesses. I'm guessing that he's adding $200 to the grocery bill and $100 to the other utilities. It could be totally different--it probably is. I'm not sure how I can 'add' anything to the grocery bill when she has literally never paid for anything I eat. I paid for everything I ate before I met her, and still do so now. The only thing I have never paid on since we have been together is the mortgage. This isn't my house, and I don't want any part of it. I am hopeful that after all of the kids graduate HS and college and are out on their own, she can sell this place, and we'll both split the cost of a new place as we downsize.
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beergut
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Gah!!!
Jul 6, 2015 6:32:49 GMT -5
Post by beergut on Jul 6, 2015 6:32:49 GMT -5
Just because I'm nosy... Have you talked $$ for a wedding yet. Who is going to pay? Are you beergut? Splitting the costs? Her parents footing the entire bill? I have been thinking that the church wedding may be a good bargaining chip. My motto would be "OK, do you want your kids to have more stuff, or do you want a church wedding? Would you rather have nice lamps, or a church wedding.." "You know, we could have that church wedding sooner if you save X % vs X percent." That might get her into saving habits/better financial mindset, while working towards a goal she really, really wants. I'd try to make it super concrete. "Ok, honey, you want to save $10K for the wedding. Let's each put 500/month into a savings account specifically for the wedding. We'll have it automatically taken out of our separate checking accounts the day the paycheck hits. That way, we'll never notice it's gone." After the wedding "Look how well you've done saving $500/month. The kids are still getting treats, and you got the wedding you wanted. Let's keep putting that money away in a savings account ..I'm sure we could find a good use for it in the future." Course, if her parents are paying all out for another wedding, this won't work at all... I will be footing the cost of a wedding. Our only real argument on the wedding is on who will read the vows. I want a secular ceremony, she wants the Baptist minister who baptized her. Everything else (small ceremony, huge reception) we agree on. I will not use the wedding as a bargaining chip to get her to save, it is too far away to be in any way effective.
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Deleted
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Gah!!!
Jul 6, 2015 6:51:01 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2015 6:51:01 GMT -5
I think you just need to sit down and have an honest discussion about finances with each other. But whatever you do, don't go in telling her she's doing it all wrong because she's not saving money lol. And hopefully she'll open up, you'll be able to express your reservations, and you'll be able to work together and come up with a plan that works for both of you.
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zibazinski
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Gah!!!
Jul 6, 2015 7:00:24 GMT -5
Post by zibazinski on Jul 6, 2015 7:00:24 GMT -5
If you're interested enough, his previous posts on his living situation before moving in with girlfriend are on record, as well as other things.
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Lizard Queen
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Gah!!!
Jul 6, 2015 7:30:10 GMT -5
Post by Lizard Queen on Jul 6, 2015 7:30:10 GMT -5
Like I said, I'm making wild guesses. I'm guessing that he's adding $200 to the grocery bill and $100 to the other utilities. It could be totally different--it probably is. I'm not sure how I can 'add' anything to the grocery bill when she has literally never paid for anything I eat. I paid for everything I ate before I met her, and still do so now. The only thing I have never paid on since we have been together is the mortgage. This isn't my house, and I don't want any part of it. I am hopeful that after all of the kids graduate HS and college and are out on their own, she can sell this place, and we'll both split the cost of a new place as we downsize. I'm talking about her household's total grocery bill. I think that it's safe to assume that it went up when going from 4 to 5 people.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Jul 6, 2015 7:40:41 GMT -5
Does this thread remind anyone else of one that would be started by "She who shall remain nameless"? Complaining about funds and then refusing any suggestion to make it better while at the same time justifying the very things being complained about.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 6, 2015 9:06:08 GMT -5
Summer camp is a luxury? I had a pretty middle class upbringing and I usually wnet to some camp. My parents thought it was good for us to go,away for a week and learn new things/meet new people. When I was a teen they sent me to swim camp. I got some fantastic coaching and it exposed me to,some coaches who then recruited me for college. I'm about Swamps age and camp for me was Girl Scout Day Camp, and once I was a tween, there was one weekend of overnight camp as part of it. But this was in the 70s and 80s; I'm not sure in the Midwest there WERE overnight camps that were even close to affordable for kids on the lower end of middle class. I also want to address the asking thing. It's kind of topical as we spent time with DH's 15 year old niece yesterday. I'm not going into the deep background on this but she was told that getting her hair braided would be taken care of by the lady running the foster care/group home. It's not been done and she's scheduled to go to a week long event with her parents later this week. But the 15 year old didn't ASK about getting her hair done until last night. The lady who braids hair isn't available until next week. Much drama ensured. At the end, as I was leaving, I told DN#6 that sometimes, when something is really important, you HAVE to ask for exactly what you want. I didn't learn this until I was about 35 - I'd hinted, I'd commented and I asked the wrong question and something really important to me didn't happen. So I really want DN#6 to learn this lesson earlier than I did. It's ok to ask for the important stuff. The answer still may be No however. BIL and his wife are taking her somewhere today or tomorrow to get the braids, for those wondering.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Jul 6, 2015 9:07:11 GMT -5
Does this thread remind anyone else of one that would be started by "She who shall remain nameless"? Complaining about funds and then refusing any suggestion to make it better while at the same time justifying the very things being complained about. Eh, that is pretty much everyone who asks for advice. On a thread you aren't going to get that much movement. You might get someone to start thinking about it. Or if they were already thinking about it, you might get the start of some movement. Don't get me wrong, there have been some turn arounds, but it usually doesn't start right away. I just wish Beer would address the overall budget. He seems oblivious to that.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Gah!!!
Jul 6, 2015 10:16:12 GMT -5
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 6, 2015 10:16:12 GMT -5
I loved GS day camp. If I hadn't had an afternoon paper route in my teens, I'd have tried to be a camp counselor.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Jul 6, 2015 10:35:50 GMT -5
Does this thread remind anyone else of one that would be started by "She who shall remain nameless"? Complaining about funds and then refusing any suggestion to make it better while at the same time justifying the very things being complained about. Go back and read the original post. No where in it is there a question. Plus, this is in YM-Off Topic. He just wanted to vent. He wasn't asking for help, solutions, or suggestions. He wasn't asking for him or his GF to be berated. Now, I absolutely agree that sometimes people start threads and ask for help and then ignore or explain away the suggestions. This is not one of those threads.
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Jul 6, 2015 10:47:52 GMT -5
Beer, it has nothing to do with paying on the mortgage. My mortgage was $686 when my first bf moved in. But, I also had taxes, insurance, hoa, garbage, water, sewage, power, gas, cable, internet and a home phone. By the time all that was added in- $1500. And that is just the basic predictable expenses. Instead of splitting things down the middle, we decided he would pay $500/month. You could argue it went to the mortgage or a couple of bills. Regardless, it was sharing living expenses- not a landlord/renter situation.
After that relationship ended, another bf moved in and he refused to pay anything insisting I would have those bills with or without him. Drove me nuts. There is no excuse for an able working adult not to pay something for the roof over their head. You probably got a fully furnished place out of this deal as well.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2015 11:06:49 GMT -5
Beer, it has nothing to do with paying on the mortgage. My mortgage was $686 when my first bf moved in. But, I also had taxes, insurance, hoa, garbage, water, sewage, power, gas, cable, internet and a home phone. By the time all that was added in- $1500. And that is just the basic predictable expenses. Instead of splitting things down the middle, we decided he would pay $500/month. You could argue it went to the mortgage or a couple of bills. Regardless, it was sharing living expenses- not a landlord/renter situation. After that relationship ended, another bf moved in and he refused to pay anything insisting I would have those bills with or without him. Drove me nuts. There is no excuse for an able working adult not to pay something for the roof over their head. You probably got a fully furnished place out of this deal as well. Say what?!
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Lizard Queen
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Gah!!!
Jul 6, 2015 11:27:30 GMT -5
Post by Lizard Queen on Jul 6, 2015 11:27:30 GMT -5
You move them in before discussing things first, or did they renege?
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swamp
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Gah!!!
Jul 6, 2015 11:32:41 GMT -5
Post by swamp on Jul 6, 2015 11:32:41 GMT -5
Summer camp is a luxury? I had a pretty middle class upbringing and I usually wnet to some camp. My parents thought it was good for us to go,away for a week and learn new things/meet new people. When I was a teen they sent me to swim camp. I got some fantastic coaching and it exposed me to,some coaches who then recruited me for college. I'm about Swamps age and camp for me was Girl Scout Day Camp, and once I was a tween, there was one weekend of overnight camp as part of it. But this was in the 70s and 80s; I'm not sure in the Midwest there WERE overnight camps that were even close to affordable for kids on the lower end of middle class. I also want to address the asking thing. It's kind of topical as we spent time with DH's 15 year old niece yesterday. I'm not going into the deep background on this but she was told that getting her hair braided would be taken care of by the lady running the foster care/group home. It's not been done and she's scheduled to go to a week long event with her parents later this week. But the 15 year old didn't ASK about getting her hair done until last night. The lady who braids hair isn't available until next week. Much drama ensured. At the end, as I was leaving, I told DN#6 that sometimes, when something is really important, you HAVE to ask for exactly what you want. I didn't learn this until I was about 35 - I'd hinted, I'd commented and I asked the wrong question and something really important to me didn't happen. So I really want DN#6 to learn this lesson earlier than I did. It's ok to ask for the important stuff. The answer still may be No however. BIL and his wife are taking her somewhere today or tomorrow to get the braids, for those wondering. Yeah, I also did girl scout camp, and church camps, and pretty low cost options as a kid/tween.
The swim camp came into play in HS when I was starting to show some promise. My parents wanted to nurture that. It was probably about $250 for a week in the mid 80's, so I think it was pretty expensive. My parents were willing to pay for things like that.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Gah!!!
Jul 6, 2015 11:47:07 GMT -5
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 6, 2015 11:47:07 GMT -5
I'm about Swamps age and camp for me was Girl Scout Day Camp, and once I was a tween, there was one weekend of overnight camp as part of it. But this was in the 70s and 80s; I'm not sure in the Midwest there WERE overnight camps that were even close to affordable for kids on the lower end of middle class. I also want to address the asking thing. It's kind of topical as we spent time with DH's 15 year old niece yesterday. I'm not going into the deep background on this but she was told that getting her hair braided would be taken care of by the lady running the foster care/group home. It's not been done and she's scheduled to go to a week long event with her parents later this week. But the 15 year old didn't ASK about getting her hair done until last night. The lady who braids hair isn't available until next week. Much drama ensured. At the end, as I was leaving, I told DN#6 that sometimes, when something is really important, you HAVE to ask for exactly what you want. I didn't learn this until I was about 35 - I'd hinted, I'd commented and I asked the wrong question and something really important to me didn't happen. So I really want DN#6 to learn this lesson earlier than I did. It's ok to ask for the important stuff. The answer still may be No however. BIL and his wife are taking her somewhere today or tomorrow to get the braids, for those wondering. Yeah, I also did girl scout camp, and church camps, and pretty low cost options as a kid/tween.
The swim camp came into play in HS when I was starting to show some promise. My parents wanted to nurture that. It was probably about $250 for a week in the mid 80's, so I think it was pretty expensive. My parents were willing to pay for things like that.
The early to mid 80s were hard for my parents. Dad had a back issue and then he got laid off. The house was paid off, just barely, so they were able to focus on paying the health insurance while DAd was laid off. If they'd let that drop, we've have been so screwed (Mom has asthma, allergies and hair fever and with 5 kids, someone was always sick or injured every year.) The company wasn't required to offer health insurance to those who'd let it drop during the layoffs until like 15 years later when the Union requested it during contract talks.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Jul 6, 2015 12:06:58 GMT -5
Beer, it has nothing to do with paying on the mortgage. My mortgage was $686 when my first bf moved in. But, I also had taxes, insurance, hoa, garbage, water, sewage, power, gas, cable, internet and a home phone. By the time all that was added in- $1500. And that is just the basic predictable expenses. Instead of splitting things down the middle, we decided he would pay $500/month. You could argue it went to the mortgage or a couple of bills. Regardless, it was sharing living expenses- not a landlord/renter situation. After that relationship ended, another bf moved in and he refused to pay anything insisting I would have those bills with or without him. Drove me nuts. There is no excuse for an able working adult not to pay something for the roof over their head. You probably got a fully furnished place out of this deal as well. Oh hell no! I would have put him out on the curb with a sign around his neck that said "free to a good home".
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2015 12:22:21 GMT -5
I dated a guy that asked for a key to my house. I told him it would cost him $1k/month to have that kind of access to my house. My mortgage wasn't even $1k/month. So, in other words..... Hell no! We were cool and had known each other for a few years, but it wasn't that type of party. He got the message.
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debthaven
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Post by debthaven on Jul 6, 2015 13:33:56 GMT -5
One of the things I loved about DH back in the days was that after the first time we met romantically, HE gave me the key to HIS apt. Beer there are indeed many similarities between our stories! In my case I'd have huge dinner parties to reciprocate for all the friends who had been so kind to me after my ex left, and I'd add (now) DH, and then kick him out at 5 am LOL.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Jul 6, 2015 14:22:22 GMT -5
That is so sad. My girls had the same relationship with their dad until eventually they just had none. I completely understand where you are coming from.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Jul 6, 2015 14:46:06 GMT -5
The 17 yr old already has an IRA, and contributes to it every month. The 15 yr old has asked me for books on investing, and can't wait until she turns 16 so she can start working and start investing. She has already asked me to open a student account for her so she can begin saving the money she earns from babysitting. I am constantly lecturing them on the value of money, and the difference between wants and needs. I continually tell them that Disney is crap, there is no Prince Charming who will come and save you, so you have to be self-sufficient. The fact that I sent them to two overnight summer camps equals 'sugar daddy' to you makes me wonder what you did as a kid, and what you did with your kids. I went to overnight summer camps for band when I was in middle school, and we went off to band camp in high school. My parents paid for me to go, and they sure as hell weren't spoiling me by wanting me to have some fun doing something I enjoyed. # 1: Why is younger daughter asking you to open an account for her? Isn't her Mom the one that should do that? You have no legal standing. #2: Why are you "constantly lecturing them on the value of money and the difference between wants and needs"? Again, where's the Mom in all this? #3: Disney is crap and no Prince Charming? Seems to me YOU are Prince Charming, riding in on your white horse to save the little woman from certain financial disaster. But in a past post, you admitted she likely made more money than you do. #4: What I did as a kid is not relevant, I already said I'm from the past and like it or not, times have changed, mostly NOT for the better in some cases. #5: What I did with MY kid? He had his first job when he was 14 washing dishes in a restaurant. We turned his stock over to him when he turned 21, as this is the 44 y/o who still knows where his first nickel went. He's now married for 20 years, has 3 outstanding kids, owns a 6,000sf McMansion (do I need to go on)? And just so you'll know: his wife is an attorney who after the birth of their first child became a stay at home Mom.
As for the rest of the story: I'm 70 years old, been married to the same guy for 50+ years and retired now for 20 years. So please, no need to lecture me on what things I've done wrong. I'm certain my wrongs can top your wrongs!
I will now quietly back away from this thread. 4 and 5 are just nuts. I'm not sure why you bring this up. And in fact, all of this is a little over the top. As is referring to BG as the Sugar Daddy all the time. For some reason just because you've been married all your life you're a martyr and we should listen to your advice about being a step parent? Why don't you become a step parent first and then talk to BG about what it's about? Step parents are not just supposed to hang out in the shadows and bang the parent when it's night time. We can actually contribute to a household, be a part of the child's life as much as they will let us, and try to steer them towards becoming sensible adults. Sounds like BG is helping in areas that the parent (GF) is deficient. Who cares where the mother is in terms of learning about savings and investing? Why does only the mother have to contribute? What's wrong with the stepfather figure doing so? I'm amazed people are going on and on about this camp. I would have died happy if any of the men mother brought home did something as nice for me.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2015 15:02:26 GMT -5
Would you have died happy if he did it for your sister?
I thought we decided he wasn't a stepparent...
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Jul 6, 2015 15:04:02 GMT -5
I'm amazed people are going on and on about this camp. I would have died happy if any of the men mother brought home did something as nice for me. Amen sister! It is when situation like that come up I realize how much of a bubble YM is; oblivious to what the the rest of the world deals with! And the whole "my child, I discipline/ teach them" is BS , and a guarantee way to teach your child that your new significant other is just a figure head with no authority. My relationship with my step dad would not be what it is today if he did not take an active role in my life as a father figure vs just the guy banging my mom. That is why I chose to call him DAD and not mom human dildo!
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Jul 6, 2015 15:07:38 GMT -5
I thought we decided he wasn't a stepparent... Let's see: The kids look up to him The kids share their dreams/aspirations with him The kids ask him when he is going to marry their mom I don't care what YM established/ decided, but to those kids he is a parent figure and they see him as their stepdad.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Jul 6, 2015 15:08:29 GMT -5
Would you have died happy if he did it for your sister? I thought we decided he wasn't a stepparent... Is this to me? I would have been happy if I lived in a household where people cared about each other and tried to help each other, no matter who those people are or who was the recipient. *I* think he's a step parent. He lives in the house. He 'parents' the children. He's a step parent to me. I've been living with my spouse for 10 years. Am I not a step parent to his children? And I agree with Carl. If y'all aren't from a broken home (from death or divorce) I really just don't think you have a clue at some of the shitty situations out there. Maybe Beer isn't doing everything right, but he's certainly not an asshole or a jerk to the family. He's trying, and that's more than 95% of the people out there.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 6, 2015 15:11:13 GMT -5
I don't think beer is an asshole or jerk. I also don't think his girlfriend is an asshole or a jerk. I think their financial plan sounds untenable and is more likely to lead to failure and more conflict. I think he seems to not really want to make changes that might make it more balanced, although I'm not sure why.
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andi9899
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Jul 6, 2015 15:25:12 GMT -5
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Post by andi9899 on Jul 6, 2015 15:25:12 GMT -5
I never said he was a jerk or an asshole either. I in fact, agree that he is doing way more than expected.
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zibazinski
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Jul 6, 2015 15:32:38 GMT -5
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 6, 2015 15:32:38 GMT -5
I don't think beer is an asshole or jerk. I also don't think his girlfriend is an asshole or a jerk. I think their financial plan sounds untenable and is more likely to lead to failure and more conflict. I think he seems to not really want to make changes that might make it more balanced, although I'm not sure why. Maybe he'd like to answer why?
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seriousthistime
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Post by seriousthistime on Jul 6, 2015 19:24:07 GMT -5
Would you have died happy if he did it for your sister? I thought we decided he wasn't a stepparent... Is this to me? I would have been happy if I lived in a household where people cared about each other and tried to help each other, no matter who those people are or who was the recipient. *I* think he's a step parent. He lives in the house. He 'parents' the children. He's a step parent to me. I've been living with my spouse for 10 years. Am I not a step parent to his children? And I agree with Carl. If y'all aren't from a broken home (from death or divorce) I really just don't think you have a clue at some of the shitty situations out there. Maybe Beer isn't doing everything right, but he's certainly not an asshole or a jerk to the family. He's trying, and that's more than 95% of the people out there. Exactly. Try being the oldest child of a mother widowed suddenly at a young age, and having to take on some of the family management (babysitting, cooking, laundry, lawn mowing, etc.) starting at age 9 so my mother could try to scrape together enough to support us, I would have loved to have a kind-hearted, interested, self-sufficient man in the picture who was interested in my mother and us, and who actually made us feel like a family. When you're a kid and you see other kids in 2-parent households, all you want is two parents. Beergut has said the GF's kids' father is pretty absent, so no wonder they ask beergut for things and want him to marry their mother. They crave normalcy.
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zibazinski
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Jul 7, 2015 6:45:10 GMT -5
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 7, 2015 6:45:10 GMT -5
Looking for love in all the wrong places.
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beergut
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Gah!!!
Jul 7, 2015 14:35:56 GMT -5
Post by beergut on Jul 7, 2015 14:35:56 GMT -5
I'm not sure how I can 'add' anything to the grocery bill when she has literally never paid for anything I eat. I paid for everything I ate before I met her, and still do so now. The only thing I have never paid on since we have been together is the mortgage. This isn't my house, and I don't want any part of it. I am hopeful that after all of the kids graduate HS and college and are out on their own, she can sell this place, and we'll both split the cost of a new place as we downsize. I'm talking about her household's total grocery bill. I think that it's safe to assume that it went up when going from 4 to 5 people. I think you're reading what I'm saying, but not fully understanding it. She pays NOTHING for any groceries or food for me, because I always buy the groceries, especially for myself. I think the only time she has paid for food for me in the time we have been dating was a meal on my birthday. In theory, going from 4 to 5 people in a household would increase the food bill, except in cases where the 5th person does all of the food shopping.
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