zibazinski
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Gah!!!
Jul 4, 2015 8:47:53 GMT -5
Post by zibazinski on Jul 4, 2015 8:47:53 GMT -5
Are you encouraging one of her children to become an athletic trainer? As in go to college and get a degree in that? Is that what you are?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2015 9:35:19 GMT -5
-@rockit Not sure why you assume I wouldn't know all of the expenses that would go with going to these camps. I researched them before paying anything, and made sure everything was provided for. I thought it ended up that she had bought the kids sports gear at the camp & that was what blew the budget (due to the lamps also charging at the same time). So you paid camp fee and gave GF money for gas and food and gear (or they had it already)? I don't understand why she created a problem then. Or did she have to float some costs to get reimbursed from you later? Why doesn't she have a credit card? I would be really uncomfortable having to use a debit card for all charges when travelling. Does she not have the discipline to pay off the CC balance every month?
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Blonde Granny
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Post by Blonde Granny on Jul 4, 2015 10:20:20 GMT -5
I'm old and came from a different generation, but what I question is what type of morals and ethics are being taught to the children in this home.
Along came a Sugar Daddy and suddenly, after moving in and playing P/T step Daddy, these kids are learning there is any easy way out of needing to balance needs vs. wants. And when all else fails, find your own Sugar Daddy and continue the pattern set by the Mom.
I also sense there is beginning to be a few resentments that have started to grow due to the constant requests for more and more money. Oh well, what do I know, just an old blonde granny who sees the world a little differently than you young'ins. But I don't see a happy ending with this story, and sooner rather than later beergut will leave sexy hot Mama and she'll be looking for a new Sugar Daddy.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 4, 2015 11:09:20 GMT -5
You were going to see her family in Connecticut? No, my family. Could you maybe see where this line of questioning was going on your own, so that I don't have to take the time...
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Jul 4, 2015 11:45:28 GMT -5
I guess I will have to figure out what lessons I am teaching the grandkids. We've always had an understanding that if mom can't afford something for them, that they could ask me (as long as it is not toys, which mom has banned). They are pretty respectful about requests. Other than cookies or candy at the grocery store and clothes, I can't think of much that they ask for. I offered to pay for camp for them this year if they were interested, but I think the difference when I offer is that I include all the materials and costs. So camp fee, any special clothes/gear, snacks, spending money if there is a snack shack, transportation. DD does not have extra money for this stuff, so offering JUST to pay the camp fee would actually cause her extra expense she can't cover. Swim Lessons: I purchased the swimsuits + mandatory tee shirts. I also purchased & organized the snacks into ziplocks per day ahead of time to simplify. Ballet Camp: I purchased the gear & ballet bag (not mandatory, but desired). Kids know we go to the consignment store first to check if they have the items we need. In this case they did, so fully outfitted for $21. SCORE!! Drama Camp: Not sure what this is going to require. Maybe costume contributions or something like that. Snacks & lunch will need to be covered too. Not Saying that beer's situation is exactly the same because GF made some compounding decisions. However, if beer has not been a parent before, he may not realize that there are additional expenses to camps that he may have wanted to think about and discuss with them first. I would guess that now he knows for next time. And I must be a guy . . . I would buy the stupid $8 lamps at Target if I didn't have money & needed them. Or I would be asking on freecycle who had lamps to give away (I'd actually ask for the free ones first if I was going to have ugly ones anyhow). Grandchildren are a bit different. As a grandparent it's your job to spoil them and send them back home full of sugar. Beer is just a BF who lives there. He's not their father or stepfather. Asking him for something is a bit out of line IMO.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Jul 4, 2015 13:05:09 GMT -5
When is asking for something mean you are acting entitled? I can't seem to get where some of you are coming from oh they asked they are entitled. I don't get it.
Of course I don't get the whole situation having never lived with anyone but my husband and my parents have been happily married 45 years (2 weeks from today). So I know nothing of step-parent/boyfriend relationships.
But this is then ground work they developed. It may not be your groundwork, but it seems like the asking is within how they have things set up.
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zibazinski
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Gah!!!
Jul 4, 2015 13:38:26 GMT -5
Post by zibazinski on Jul 4, 2015 13:38:26 GMT -5
The kids aren't acting entitled. They haven't been taught any better. You don't ask non Family for expensive things. Beer should have asked permission from their mother before offering any kind of camp. They both need to open up about finances. If he is serious about becoming a permanent fixture in their lives, then communication is key.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 4, 2015 13:46:40 GMT -5
Beer, since you've never lived on your own but with family, you may have no real idea what it costs to live in a house. Besides the normal stuff like mortgage taxes and utilities, there's maintenance. Carpet cleaning pressure washing painting replacing light bulbs and even appliances. It's never ending. 5 people in a house and she works? Is there a cleaner?
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beergut
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Gah!!!
Jul 5, 2015 4:47:08 GMT -5
Post by beergut on Jul 5, 2015 4:47:08 GMT -5
Well, then time to sit down and come up with a workable budget. Unexpected things happen and for her not to have $500 to cover them is shameful. To have to ask you for money should be shameful and you shouldn't put her in that spot. Ever. i didn't mean actively seeing her have sex but other boyfriend surely spent the night like you do. Closed doors or not, kids aren't stupid. How am I putting her in that spot? I didn't tell her to go spend a week in College Station, she decided she wanted to go on that trip herself because she didn't want to drive back and forth two days in a row. She decided she wanted to make the trip and pay for the hotel rooms, so she did.
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beergut
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Gah!!!
Jul 5, 2015 4:53:34 GMT -5
Post by beergut on Jul 5, 2015 4:53:34 GMT -5
Are you encouraging one of her children to become an athletic trainer? As in go to college and get a degree in that? Is that what you are? No, I work in finance. I'm encouraging her to enjoy an extracurricular activity that she loves participating in. She has talked about majoring in it in college, but she doesn't have the grades for where she wants to go (A&M), and is most likely headed to a community college for at least two years. One of my friends who was on the athletic training staff when I was in HS now is the head athletic trainer at SMU. IIRC, he received his degree in something he enjoyed (liberal arts possibly), and minored in science so he could get the prerequisites to test for the athletic training certification. If she decides she still wants to be an athletic trainer after high school, I will encourage her to follow that path.
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beergut
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Jul 5, 2015 4:59:13 GMT -5
Post by beergut on Jul 5, 2015 4:59:13 GMT -5
-@rockit Not sure why you assume I wouldn't know all of the expenses that would go with going to these camps. I researched them before paying anything, and made sure everything was provided for. I thought it ended up that she had bought the kids sports gear at the camp & that was what blew the budget (due to the lamps also charging at the same time). So you paid camp fee and gave GF money for gas and food and gear (or they had it already)? I don't understand why she created a problem then. Or did she have to float some costs to get reimbursed from you later? Why doesn't she have a credit card? I would be really uncomfortable having to use a debit card for all charges when travelling. Does she not have the discipline to pay off the CC balance every month? There were two issues: lamps hit her account, so I sent $200 to fill the hole in her budget then she said the next day that 'incidentals' were making the trip more expensive than she thought it would be, and I sent her $300 I have since found out that the 15 yr old told her mother that her goalie gloves had holes in them, so she bought a new pair of gloves. That is over $100 right there. I wish the 15 yr old had told me that before she left, because I could have taken care of that issue.
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beergut
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Post by beergut on Jul 5, 2015 5:21:12 GMT -5
I'm old and came from a different generation, but what I question is what type of morals and ethics are being taught to the children in this home.
Along came a Sugar Daddy and suddenly, after moving in and playing P/T step Daddy, these kids are learning there is any easy way out of needing to balance needs vs. wants. And when all else fails, find your own Sugar Daddy and continue the pattern set by the Mom.
I also sense there is beginning to be a few resentments that have started to grow due to the constant requests for more and more money. Oh well, what do I know, just an old blonde granny who sees the world a little differently than you young'ins. But I don't see a happy ending with this story, and sooner rather than later beergut will leave sexy hot Mama and she'll be looking for a new Sugar Daddy. The 17 yr old already has an IRA, and contributes to it every month. The 15 yr old has asked me for books on investing, and can't wait until she turns 16 so she can start working and start investing. She has already asked me to open a student account for her so she can begin saving the money she earns from babysitting. I am constantly lecturing them on the value of money, and the difference between wants and needs. I continually tell them that Disney is crap, there is no Prince Charming who will come and save you, so you have to be self-sufficient. The fact that I sent them to two overnight summer camps equals 'sugar daddy' to you makes me wonder what you did as a kid, and what you did with your kids. I went to overnight summer camps for band when I was in middle school, and we went off to band camp in high school. My parents paid for me to go, and they sure as hell weren't spoiling me by wanting me to have some fun doing something I enjoyed.
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beergut
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Jul 5, 2015 5:23:20 GMT -5
Post by beergut on Jul 5, 2015 5:23:20 GMT -5
Could you maybe see where this line of questioning was going on your own, so that I don't have to take the time... You're going to have to spell it out for me, because I'm missing your point. This was a trip to go celebrate the HS graduation of a cousin, GF wanted to go. Not sure where you're going with this?
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beergut
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Jul 5, 2015 5:33:25 GMT -5
Post by beergut on Jul 5, 2015 5:33:25 GMT -5
Beer, since you've never lived on your own but with family, you may have no real idea what it costs to live in a house. Besides the normal stuff like mortgage taxes and utilities, there's maintenance. Carpet cleaning pressure washing painting replacing light bulbs and even appliances. It's never ending. 5 people in a house and she works? Is there a cleaner? Not sure where you got the idea I've never lived on my own? I had an apartment during two years of the dorm during college, and lived by myself after college. I'm well aware of the costs of running a house, it is why I don't own one. The maintenance costs alone make it a poor investment, imo. I know about the costs of painting a house, I paid to repaint GF's house 6 months back. I think you're better off renting an apartment, let someone else pay for maintenance, and save and invest until you have enough money to buy a house for cash. You're making a lot of assumptions here, and it comes across as condescending. I don't condescend to you, so please refrain from doing it with me. Yes, there is a maid who comes every other week.
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kjto1
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Gah!!!
Jul 5, 2015 6:40:42 GMT -5
Post by kjto1 on Jul 5, 2015 6:40:42 GMT -5
I know people who will spend their money on wants, then when it is time to pay the rent, will sob that they don't have money for rent. Because people will have sympathy for rent and not things. It sounds to me like the GF doesn't have a $500 cushion, because she would shop it away, anyway. And what is fair for Beergut to contribute? She lived in this house before he moved in - these are her costs for supporting her kids, he didn't drive the expenses that high to make it unmanageable for her to pay, she was hitting up her Dad for money before Beergut moved in! Not saying that Beergut should live there for free - he is buying groceries. Everyone is saying he should contribute to expenses - isn't that "6 of one, half dozen of the other"?
Ok, let's say Beergut now gives GF $800.00/month for "bills and groceries". (He said he lived in an apartment to live cheaply, guessing at the amount of him monthly expenses.) She now has $800.00 cash burning a hole in her pocket, by the 4th week of the month, there is no food in the fridge? Beer can take himself out to eat, and himself on vacation (because she has no money saved). There is going to be tension in the house.
Beergut, you can spend another 1 year (6 months is not long enough to know if they are putting on an act) working with her to see if she can learn to live within her means. I highly suggest during that time, you think about - what if she refuses to live within her means? Is it worth marrying her and always being broke? Because depending on things, even keeping finances separate, being marring may tie you to some of her liabilities. Just don't put your head in the sand. It's going to be a tough road for you, I wish you the best.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2015 7:20:55 GMT -5
Could you maybe see where this line of questioning was going on your own, so that I don't have to take the time... You're going to have to spell it out for me, because I'm missing your point. This was a trip to go celebrate the HS graduation of a cousin, GF wanted to go. Not sure where you're going with this? Once again a good portion of your contribution to the household goes to service your wants. The question isn't 'would you like to go?' ... The question is, would you rather go along to Connecticut with me to see my family, or get lamps and stay near the girls while they are at camp? But she didn't have that choice. YOU decided on the vacation destination and spent a lot of money on what you wanted and her desires then become her problem. If the discretionary money was both of yours to make decisions about, then she could decide to fund her own priorities. How many trips were to the camp... Pick up the same day? Over how many days? Why do you never comment about people's suggestion that your contribution should go to fixed bills and not extras? Or on how much you save living with her, versus her save because you moved in? You might be saying those things to the girls, but your actions are contradictory because you have set yourself up to be the one who provides the luxuries.
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zibazinski
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Gah!!!
Jul 5, 2015 8:33:22 GMT -5
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 5, 2015 8:33:22 GMT -5
You know, if you sat down with her and put it all on the table, she would then know how much you made, unless you lied. Also, if you marry her, she will also know what your assets are. Pretty soon, what you have or don't have will be known. Something to think about. Living in an apartment is nothing like living in a home. You have time to paint a house? Most people I know with jobs don't have a lot of energy or free time left over for a job as big as that. Encouraging someone to be an athletic trainer can be a mixed blessing. The ones who get jobs that pay decently hang onto to them for decades. Please look into the here and now. My cousin's daughter is one, they still supplement her income. My girlfriend 's daughter gave up and is going to PT school because there were no jobs other than working in a fitness center. For minimum wage and commission. Maybe it's just women who don't get the jobs that pay well, don't know, but I do know I wouldn't encourage anyone I cared about to be one in the hopes that they score a job that can support them.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Jul 5, 2015 8:58:33 GMT -5
I'm old and came from a different generation, but what I question is what type of morals and ethics are being taught to the children in this home.
Along came a Sugar Daddy and suddenly, after moving in and playing P/T step Daddy, these kids are learning there is any easy way out of needing to balance needs vs. wants. And when all else fails, find your own Sugar Daddy and continue the pattern set by the Mom.
I also sense there is beginning to be a few resentments that have started to grow due to the constant requests for more and more money. Oh well, what do I know, just an old blonde granny who sees the world a little differently than you young'ins. But I don't see a happy ending with this story, and sooner rather than later beergut will leave sexy hot Mama and she'll be looking for a new Sugar Daddy. The 17 yr old already has an IRA, and contributes to it every month. The 15 yr old has asked me for books on investing, and can't wait until she turns 16 so she can start working and start investing. She has already asked me to open a student account for her so she can begin saving the money she earns from babysitting. I am constantly lecturing them on the value of money, and the difference between wants and needs. I continually tell them that Disney is crap, there is no Prince Charming who will come and save you, so you have to be self-sufficient. The fact that I sent them to two overnight summer camps equals 'sugar daddy' to you makes me wonder what you did as a kid, and what you did with your kids. I went to overnight summer camps for band when I was in middle school, and we went off to band camp in high school. My parents paid for me to go, and they sure as hell weren't spoiling me by wanting me to have some fun doing something I enjoyed. Then what is the problem? You started a thread complaining about a problem with your girlfriend and money. We have given opinions and suggestions. You then come back and try to justify everything you just complained about. You apparently have been dealing with this same issue for over a year unless whatever poster that suggested that is wrong and haven't done anything to rectify the situation. Either stop complaining or do something about it.
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Blonde Granny
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Post by Blonde Granny on Jul 5, 2015 9:14:37 GMT -5
I'm old and came from a different generation, but what I question is what type of morals and ethics are being taught to the children in this home.
Along came a Sugar Daddy and suddenly, after moving in and playing P/T step Daddy, these kids are learning there is any easy way out of needing to balance needs vs. wants. And when all else fails, find your own Sugar Daddy and continue the pattern set by the Mom.
I also sense there is beginning to be a few resentments that have started to grow due to the constant requests for more and more money. Oh well, what do I know, just an old blonde granny who sees the world a little differently than you young'ins. But I don't see a happy ending with this story, and sooner rather than later beergut will leave sexy hot Mama and she'll be looking for a new Sugar Daddy. The 17 yr old already has an IRA, and contributes to it every month. The 15 yr old has asked me for books on investing, and can't wait until she turns 16 so she can start working and start investing. She has already asked me to open a student account for her so she can begin saving the money she earns from babysitting. I am constantly lecturing them on the value of money, and the difference between wants and needs. I continually tell them that Disney is crap, there is no Prince Charming who will come and save you, so you have to be self-sufficient. The fact that I sent them to two overnight summer camps equals 'sugar daddy' to you makes me wonder what you did as a kid, and what you did with your kids. I went to overnight summer camps for band when I was in middle school, and we went off to band camp in high school. My parents paid for me to go, and they sure as hell weren't spoiling me by wanting me to have some fun doing something I enjoyed. # 1: Why is younger daughter asking you to open an account for her? Isn't her Mom the one that should do that? You have no legal standing. #2: Why are you "constantly lecturing them on the value of money and the difference between wants and needs"? Again, where's the Mom in all this? #3: Disney is crap and no Prince Charming? Seems to me YOU are Prince Charming, riding in on your white horse to save the little woman from certain financial disaster. But in a past post, you admitted she likely made more money than you do. #4: What I did as a kid is not relevant, I already said I'm from the past and like it or not, times have changed, mostly NOT for the better in some cases. #5: What I did with MY kid? He had his first job when he was 14 washing dishes in a restaurant. We turned his stock over to him when he turned 21, as this is the 44 y/o who still knows where his first nickel went. He's now married for 20 years, has 3 outstanding kids, owns a 6,000sf McMansion (do I need to go on)? And just so you'll know: his wife is an attorney who after the birth of their first child became a stay at home Mom.
As for the rest of the story: I'm 70 years old, been married to the same guy for 50+ years and retired now for 20 years. So please, no need to lecture me on what things I've done wrong. I'm certain my wrongs can top your wrongs!
I will now quietly back away from this thread.
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gooddecisions
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Post by gooddecisions on Jul 5, 2015 9:20:43 GMT -5
If beer is her idea of a sugar daddy, she is doing wrong. Remember folks, he doesn't pay towards anything except some food and vacations of his choice. Just everyday boyfriends do that. He should have plenty of disposable income without all the pesky living expenses.
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Frappuccino
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Post by Frappuccino on Jul 5, 2015 10:02:32 GMT -5
If beer is her idea of a sugar daddy, she is doing wrong. Remember folks, he doesn't pay towards anything except some food and vacations of his choice. Just everyday boyfriends do that. He should have plenty of disposable income without all the pesky living expenses. It seems like Beer is the one with a sugarmomma. GF moved Beer in expecting marriage.
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zibazinski
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Gah!!!
Jul 5, 2015 10:04:02 GMT -5
Post by zibazinski on Jul 5, 2015 10:04:02 GMT -5
I'm beginning to think she is sugar momma and she is hoping he is sugar daddy. When both people are looking for bettering their lifestyles from another party, they'd best be on the same page about it. Nothing wrong with it but best to know.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Jul 5, 2015 11:37:10 GMT -5
I don't understand how this turned into a beergut bashing contest.
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Jul 5, 2015 11:39:30 GMT -5
I don't understand how this turned into a beergut bashing contest. Are you new to YM?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2015 11:39:50 GMT -5
I'm not trying to bash him. Im trying to get him to see things from a different perspective.
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zibazinski
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Gah!!!
Jul 5, 2015 11:40:11 GMT -5
Post by zibazinski on Jul 5, 2015 11:40:11 GMT -5
It didn't start out that way but the more that comes out, it starts to look like Beer isn't the knight in shining armor after all. There's past posts of his that come into play as well.
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zibazinski
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Gah!!!
Jul 5, 2015 11:41:15 GMT -5
Post by zibazinski on Jul 5, 2015 11:41:15 GMT -5
Btw, I don't think spending $200 on a lamp is ridiculous. I just spent it on a sweater. The difference is I didn't have to ask my husband or boyfriend or whatever to cover it for me.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Jul 5, 2015 11:42:18 GMT -5
I don't understand how this turned into a beergut bashing contest. Are you new to YM? As soon as I typed it out loud, it didn't make sense.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 5, 2015 11:43:39 GMT -5
To be fair, I also didn't find it productive for this to be a GF bashing thread...
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milee
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Post by milee on Jul 5, 2015 11:44:06 GMT -5
I don't understand how this turned into a beergut bashing contest. Some of the comments and speculation are just mean spirited and unhelpful. That happens on any thread and it's easier just to ignore them.
But many of the comments aren't meant to "bash" either beergut or the GF, they're meant to point out issues that beergut might not be thinking about, ideas that might help him understand how his actions can improve or make the situation worse and information that might help him see new or different paths.
I think threads where all sides of an issue are examined are much more helpful and realistic than the ones that just turn into an echo chamber of positive support for whatever the OP posts, regardless of whether the OP's position makes sense or not. But YMMV.
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