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Post by Deleted on Jun 20, 2015 22:03:07 GMT -5
Woah!!! Did I miss a thread? I balance to the penny all my accounts every month!!! Yeah. There was one where we were talking about it and apparently I am a rare breed who keeps a ledger and keeps track of their money. Some people said they haven't balanced a checkbook in 20+ years. Part of it is semantics though. I don't "balance" a checkbook in the traditional sense, where you get your statement and fill out the little worksheet in the back (do they still include those) but I definitely keep track of it.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Jun 20, 2015 22:05:17 GMT -5
Yeah. There was one where we were talking about it and apparently I am a rare breed who keeps a ledger and keeps track of their money. Some people said they haven't balanced a checkbook in 20+ years. Part of it is semantics though. I don't "balance" a checkbook in the traditional sense, where you get your statement and fill out the little worksheet in the back (do they still include those) but I definitely keep track of it. I balance on YNAB. Does that count?
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Jun 20, 2015 22:10:45 GMT -5
Post by Deleted on Jun 20, 2015 22:10:45 GMT -5
Part of it is semantics though. I don't "balance" a checkbook in the traditional sense, where you get your statement and fill out the little worksheet in the back (do they still include those) but I definitely keep track of it. I balance on YNAB. Does that count? I use YNAB, but not the reconcile feature, so you have me beat. I figure if I enter all my transactions in and download periodically from the bank and everything is always matching up we're good.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 20, 2015 23:39:49 GMT -5
Btw, my Dad told me that whenhe dated women who had kids, he ALWAYS paid the babysitter. The really sad thing is that I had been dating him for a long while before bringing it up. It was really disappointing to find out what a cheapskate he was in addition to not following through on promises. He was well off, earning 4X what I was, had a home and a boat and all the cool toys. It's not that I thought he 'should pay' but that I couldn't afford it so dates needed to be cut down, or he needed to chip in. Either answer would have been fine IF it was followed through on. I join hopefloats & Minnesota Paint in having shit skillz for picking guys; only I live in community property state, so just vow to never ever ever get married again. I don't feel like sharing with anyone but my kids anymore
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beergut
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Post by beergut on Jun 21, 2015 0:02:27 GMT -5
Btw, my Dad told me that whenhe dated women who had kids, he ALWAYS paid the babysitter. The really sad thing is that I had been dating him for a long while before bringing it up. It was really disappointing to find out what a cheapskate he was in addition to not following through on promises. He was well off, earning 4X what I was, had a home and a boat and all the cool toys. It's not that I thought he 'should pay' but that I couldn't afford it so dates needed to be cut down, or he needed to chip in. Either answer would have been fine IF it was followed through on. I join hopefloats & Minnesota Paint in having shit skillz for picking guys; only I live in community property state, so just vow to never ever ever get married again. I don't feel like sharing with anyone but my kids anymore Texas is a community property state. Prenup, prenup, prenup. I don't think GF realizes how much watching my brother go through an ugly divorce has influenced my thinking. Part of the problem is that she is letting her timetable be decided somewhat by her friends. I met her because I knew a group of her friends. One in that group met her guy a few months after we started dating, and they were married one year to the day of their first date. I'm not in that much of a hurry. While I'm thrilled for her friend (they're really a cute couple, and he's awesome), they don't get to decide my timetable.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2015 0:15:17 GMT -5
The really sad thing is that I had been dating him for a long while before bringing it up. It was really disappointing to find out what a cheapskate he was in addition to not following through on promises. He was well off, earning 4X what I was, had a home and a boat and all the cool toys. It's not that I thought he 'should pay' but that I couldn't afford it so dates needed to be cut down, or he needed to chip in. Either answer would have been fine IF it was followed through on. I join hopefloats & Minnesota Paint in having shit skillz for picking guys; only I live in community property state, so just vow to never ever ever get married again. I don't feel like sharing with anyone but my kids anymore Texas is a community property state. Prenup, prenup, prenup. I don't think GF realizes how much watching my brother go through an ugly divorce has influenced my thinking. Part of the problem is that she is letting her timetable be decided somewhat by her friends. I met her because I knew a group of her friends. One in that group met her guy a few months after we started dating, and they were married one year to the day of their first date. I'm not in that much of a hurry. While I'm thrilled for her friend (they're really a cute couple, and he's awesome), they don't get to decide my timetable. Not in WA State. Judges are notorious for throwing out prenups here. I went to an attorney when we moved here from non community state for antenup. He said I can charge you $2500 to write it up and make you feel better, but the judge will throw it out - they hate them. Even though I bought my home here 'a married women, as her separate estate' on every document & he did quit claim at purchase to reaffirm that he had no interest; when it came to divorce the court said it did not matter. As soon as we set foot in this state now-ex was entitled to 1/2 my income, so it did not matter what I owned before we got here, or that the assets were segregated and kept that way. I should be more like Archie & not care what happens when I die, but I'll be damned if some gold-digger is getting anything out of my death. My kids are the ones that survived the bad and good times with me and are the ones that get every cent when I die. After this house is sold I start moving things into irrevocable trust to ensure they are the only beneficiaries.
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beergut
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Post by beergut on Jun 21, 2015 0:28:56 GMT -5
Texas is a community property state. Prenup, prenup, prenup. I don't think GF realizes how much watching my brother go through an ugly divorce has influenced my thinking. Part of the problem is that she is letting her timetable be decided somewhat by her friends. I met her because I knew a group of her friends. One in that group met her guy a few months after we started dating, and they were married one year to the day of their first date. I'm not in that much of a hurry. While I'm thrilled for her friend (they're really a cute couple, and he's awesome), they don't get to decide my timetable. Not in WA State. Judges are notorious for throwing out prenups here. I went to an attorney when we moved here from non community state for antenup. He said I can charge you $2500 to write it up and make you feel better, but the judge will throw it out - they hate them. Even though I bought my home here 'a married women, as her separate estate' on every document & he did quit claim at purchase to reaffirm that he had no interest; when it came to divorce the court said it did not matter. As soon as we set foot in this state now-ex was entitled to 1/2 my income, so it did not matter what I owned before we got here, or that the assets were segregated and kept that way. I should be more like Archie & not care what happens when I die, but I'll be damned if some gold-digger is getting anything out of my death. My kids are the ones that survived the bad and good times with me and are the ones that get every cent when I die. After this house is sold I start moving things into irrevocable trust to ensure they are the only beneficiaries. That is just f***ing ridiculous. So even if you're married in another state, once you move to Washington, everything becomes community property state? Good reason to get married (and divorced) elsewhere.
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justme
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Post by justme on Jun 21, 2015 0:39:35 GMT -5
Community property states are a bitch in divorce from what I hear
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Lizard Queen
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Jun 21, 2015 5:40:22 GMT -5
Post by Lizard Queen on Jun 21, 2015 5:40:22 GMT -5
So, let me get this straight. The emergency was an unexpected hit to the account due to a backorder lamp + hotel taxes/incidentals (which I admit can add up). However, there was a bunch of extra gear purchased for at least 1 kid, and probably all 3. On top of that, another extra large outlay for some extra thing at a camp. This is not looking good. I'm not going to even worry about the unexpected bills here. What about these extra splurges that were made? This shows no self control. As an aside, marriage (combining your incomes on the FAFSA) would not help with college aid.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2015 6:31:45 GMT -5
Meh, crap happens. You get caught up, you forget something, it can perfect storm before you realize occasionally. My biggest concern is she did not have any kind of a cushion to handle this herself. We all make a bad decision/plan now and again. But why does she have no savings?
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jun 21, 2015 7:41:05 GMT -5
Community property states are a bitch in divorce from what I hear Yes, they are. One of my bosses got taken to the cleaners when his wife chose to divorce him. His alimony alone was like 40K/year, even though he paid for her masters and she was dallying on getting a job. She also got half of all his retirement accounts. He figured he had to work until he was 70 just to catch up to where he was before the separation/divorce.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Jun 21, 2015 8:06:23 GMT -5
On another note, since you are the one that took on sending them to camp, you are responsible for all costs and extras. If it wasn't for you, there would be no camp therefore you are expected to cover all shortfalls.I can understand from your GF point of view. She is supporting your wishes but will not support them financially or the trouble of transportation without a vacation. Just ask yourself, what would happen if you did not support the camps financially. Ah, but these expenses aren't related to camp, they are related to the vacation she decided to take because her kids are going to these camps. That is where your theory falls apart. If I didn't send the kids to camp, the 15 yr old would be hanging out at home and doing off-season conditioning right now. The 17 yr old would be working at her Summer job as a lifeguard (Ever seen The Sandlot? She is Wendy Peppercorn). The 13 yr old would be staying up all night playing video games. So they would be doing normal teenage stuff. And I'm sure any job a teenager works at doesn't include vacation time. So now the oldest is going to be missing income and will ask mom for money. Mom doesn't have it since she bought a lamp and went on vacation. So she's going to be asking you.
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andi9899
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Jun 21, 2015 8:08:11 GMT -5
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Post by andi9899 on Jun 21, 2015 8:08:11 GMT -5
What I pay for food is astounding. 6 girls here tonight. No boys. They finished 2 1/2 large pizzas half a cake, a few bags of snack stuff and are now raiding the freezer... Right! My girls are each a little over 100 lbs and eat more than grown men twice their size! Damn kids!
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teen persuasion
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Jun 21, 2015 10:34:46 GMT -5
Post by teen persuasion on Jun 21, 2015 10:34:46 GMT -5
Wait, isn't GF staying in a hotel? Don't all hotels require CCs nowadays? My parents resisted getting a CC for years, but it was the hassle of hotel billing that finally convinced them to do it.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Jun 21, 2015 12:24:06 GMT -5
They will take a debit card as the CC. I've done it a bunch of times. I'm not trying to have any CC debt, so I use my debit card as much as I can. I only give my CC to places that won't take the debit card. It doesn't happen very often.
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simser
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Post by simser on Jun 21, 2015 12:27:34 GMT -5
Community property states are a bitch in divorce from what I hear Yes, they are. One of my bosses got taken to the cleaners when his wife chose to divorce him. His alimony alone was like 40K/year, even though he paid for her masters and she was dallying on getting a job. She also got half of all his retirement accounts. He figured he had to work until he was 70 just to catch up to where he was before the separation/divorce. I've actually gotten divorced in Texas. It wasn't terrible. No alimony if you've been married less than 10 years (unless one as incarcerated for 2+ years with domestic violence). We didn't split retirement accounts but we would have deducted the amount at marriage date if we had split them up. My money which was I an account that was never touched, was still my money. His student loans from before the marriage were still his. Very reasonable.
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cronewitch
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Jun 21, 2015 12:41:01 GMT -5
Post by cronewitch on Jun 21, 2015 12:41:01 GMT -5
I am in WA and refuse marriage because of community property. I own a house, I owned a house before I met ISO but I paid the payments from money earned after and if we married and lived in my house it would be commingled since my income would be supporting it. One of the reasons he is ISO instead of SO, he has a house now and worries I might try to get involved in his house. He has no equity so if I sold mine and married him, moved to his house it would be half mine, I would own half of no equity. I inherit the house with no equity when he dies, I wanted him to get a will so I would get his truck, boat and camper don't care about his house. He is bad with money but so much better living alone, SS check pays mortgage and lights, pensions pay food and everything else so one shopping trip a month and do one thing like stain the porch and he has to wait for the next month.
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seriousthistime
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Jun 21, 2015 13:38:36 GMT -5
Post by seriousthistime on Jun 21, 2015 13:38:36 GMT -5
Assuming she booked the hotel online, or by phone and received an email confirmation, the taxes and other fees are almost always itemized and included in the total. Book a place in Vegas and even the mandatory resort fees are shown.
Sometimes the hotel can put a hold or preauthorization on your card (I'm assuming it's her debit card since she cut up her credit cards) for incidentals like restaurant/bar charges, in-room movie rentals, gift shop, parking,* and so forth. The hold may not be known until you check in. I've seen holds as high as $100 per night. Then it's usually in the "fine print" of the check-in document, or there will be some sort of sign at the front desk. Only the actual expenses will be charged and the hold will be lifted when the final amount is put through.
So, beergut, you can at least ask if the incidentals at the hotel were due to a hold being placed on the card. That should mean that they weren't actual charges, and the money should be coming back to you -- unless she actually charged those incidentals to the room.
And yes, the FAFSA is a big issue for you to consider if you get married. It's the income of the custodial parent and his/her current spouse that matters. The non-custodial parent's income doesn't have anything to do with it.
*Parking is one of those things that is optional, but the charge is disclosed up front on the room confirmation. You know that if you park at the hotel, you will be charged that fee.
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zibazinski
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Jun 21, 2015 13:39:04 GMT -5
Post by zibazinski on Jun 21, 2015 13:39:04 GMT -5
Beer, I'm assuming whatever you are living in with her she had before you moved in. Why you moved in, I'll never know, but you're a saint or crazy to have done so. DH inherited elementary school and middle school kids and they weren't easy at all. He let her move with them into his house two months after they met because her dad was actually going to start charging her rent and DH is a soft touch. Trust me, I just fired an employee who'd been there for 19 years and I only looked at the last 5 years financials and he hadn't even been bringing in his salary in sales, let alone his benefits. He told me he sat in bed one night and realized he had gotten himself into a huge mess and didn't know how to get out of it without being a prick and he just couldn't bring himself to do it. He spent many years in a miserable marriage because he was a "nice guy." That nice guy got taken to the cleaners in his divorce and even though inherited accounts are supposed to be off the table in divorces, the judge simply awarded her alimony in the amount of half of what was in those accounts. I don't know what you were paying where you lived in rent or mortgage and utilities but I'd pay her that plus 1/5 of the food expenses and sit back and watch how she handles it. You may not be contributing enough of your fair share or she may just simply suck at handling money. Getting ahold of yours should not be an option though. This is what she is counting on. If she blows through her paycheck because it's there to be spent, then the easiest solution is to have a percentage of that paycheck put into a savings account before she even gets it.if she constantly dips into her savings account to cover normal expenses, big red flag. You don't want to be the "bank" unless you do. I'm betting the ex boyfriend saw the writing on the wall either financially or with those kids, or both. Think long and hard about this. Nothing gets better after marriage, especially the sex!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2015 13:39:26 GMT -5
Tread carefully, beergut. Even if she is trying to become more financially responsible, she's not there yet. I dated DH for 6 years before I married him and I wouldn't have even thought of expecting him to foot the bill for DS' needs and wants. (DS was 12 when DH and I started dating.) He was my spawn, I brought him into the world (along with a bio dad who turned out to be totally irresponsible in the end), I saw no reason for a guy I was dating to help support him. (He bought reasonable Christmas and birthday presents or brought over a pizza or cooked dinner sometimes.)
And where is the bio Dad of these kids? How come YOU're sending them to camp and paying for extras? Who let Bio Dad off the hook?
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zibazinski
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Jun 21, 2015 13:49:33 GMT -5
Post by zibazinski on Jun 21, 2015 13:49:33 GMT -5
Plus, she was doing all this before you moved in. You moving in should have upped the food and utilities SOME. The rest that you put in the plate should be in savings for when you wised up and moved out! She's thinking marriage is the answer to her financial problems. It is for some women like DH's ex. Wouldn't you rather be married to someone who WANTS you in her life rather than NEEDS you in her life?
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obelisk
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Post by obelisk on Jun 21, 2015 13:51:33 GMT -5
If there is child support, it would have covered camp.
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zibazinski
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Jun 21, 2015 13:55:11 GMT -5
Post by zibazinski on Jun 21, 2015 13:55:11 GMT -5
I'm thinking as irresponsible as she is, she had children by someone equally flaky.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2015 13:59:53 GMT -5
I think it might be a good idea to sit down with all the bills, go over where each of your money goes. I know you think things are 'even' and maybe they are, and it's complicated because of the kids, but it would be an example to her to see how you work your finances, and maybe you can get a better idea of what she spends where.
Something to consider. Right after I graduated college I moved in with my long term boyfriend. He was older and much better employed than me. I'd spend lots of time shopping around for deals and using coupons, etc. because I didn't have much to contribute, and I made it stretch. He'd sweep in buying some Omaha Steaks from some contact and since we spent the same he called it even, regardless that I could feed us whole meals for much longer.
What am I getting at. I don't know what you buy, but it's possible that, while you are contributing 'equal', you are not actually freeing up 'equal' in her budget. If she shopped sales and coupons and spent 200 on what you now spend 500, she may, possibly, have benefit of better food... But in terms of real monetary contribution to her budget, technically you are covering what used to be a 200 expense to her... Not sure this is the case, but worth exploring.
As as for camp, again, kids activities always have expenses beyond the admission fee. It's nice of you to offer to pay for things, but you need to understand how related costs can occur. I understand she didn't have to stay the whole time. But there are realistic expenses that go with camps, etc. Also, did she say beforehand how she felt about kids being 3 hours away?
Anyway, I'm thinking maybe some more in depth communication might be in order.
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zibazinski
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Jun 21, 2015 14:10:02 GMT -5
Post by zibazinski on Jun 21, 2015 14:10:02 GMT -5
Big time. I tried to talk to DH last night and I'm sure it went in one ear and out the other because he didn't get what I was trying to say. I'm annoyed and he's clueless that I'm annoyed.
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milee
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Post by milee on Jun 21, 2015 14:19:57 GMT -5
Big time. I tried to talk to DH last night and I'm sure it went in one ear and out the other because he didn't get what I was trying to say. I'm annoyed and he's clueless that I'm annoyed. Or he's starting to tune you out because you're so consistently and unrelentingly harsh and negative about and towards people he loves. He loves you as well and can't reconcile the two things, so is doing his best to just ignore the parts he can't deal with.
Some, a lot or even all of what you think about his family may be true but there are few people who can listen to that sort of constant picking about people they love without either reacting or walling it off.
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zibazinski
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Jun 21, 2015 14:27:24 GMT -5
Post by zibazinski on Jun 21, 2015 14:27:24 GMT -5
It actually wasn't about his family.
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beergut
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Jun 21, 2015 16:32:08 GMT -5
Post by beergut on Jun 21, 2015 16:32:08 GMT -5
Tread carefully, beergut. Even if she is trying to become more financially responsible, she's not there yet. I dated DH for 6 years before I married him and I wouldn't have even thought of expecting him to foot the bill for DS' needs and wants. (DS was 12 when DH and I started dating.) He was my spawn, I brought him into the world (along with a bio dad who turned out to be totally irresponsible in the end), I saw no reason for a guy I was dating to help support him. (He bought reasonable Christmas and birthday presents or brought over a pizza or cooked dinner sometimes.)
And where is the bio Dad of these kids? How come YOU're sending them to camp and paying for extras? Who let Bio Dad off the hook? Bio Dad is something of a bone of contention. He pays child support, but the payment is based off their agreement years ago, and I don't think it has fluctuated at all. I mentioned before that my brother recently got divorced. He has joint custody of his daughter, but she lives with his ex part of the week. He pays child support, and what he pays for his daughter is more than what Bio Dad pays for his three kids combined. Bio Dad has never missed a child support payment, which is the only positive I'll give him. Other than that, he is almost completely absent. He sees the kids maybe two or three times a year, usually on Christmas, Thanksgiving, and if one of them or he has a birthday, he'll do something. IMO, a lot of his visitation with his kids is driven by his parents (the paternal grandparents) or if he has a girlfriend who doesn't want to believe she is dating a shyte father, so she makes him spend time with his kids. When I told GF she needs to tell Bio Dad he needs to up his child support, she balked at that suggestion. She said he whines every time a medical bill comes up, and he has to pay his part, so he wouldn't go in for paying more in support. Unfortunately, the kids think he is a great father. Since he is the only dad they've ever known, they have no idea what it is like to have a father who is actively involved in their lives. And these kids are awesome. He's an idiot who is missing out. I've told GF this several times. I've already seen several messages from them to their father since today is Father's Day. It is heartbreaking when you think about it. I don't know what she does with the child support every month, I'm assuming she spends it on stuff for the kids. She said she has made a spreadsheet of her whole budget so she can show me where all of her money goes, so we need to sit down and look at it. This was a conversation we had just before she left on vacation.
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beergut
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Jun 21, 2015 16:43:07 GMT -5
Post by beergut on Jun 21, 2015 16:43:07 GMT -5
I'm thinking as irresponsible as she is, she had children by someone equally flaky. I don't know if flaky is the word. I've met him a few times. She told me he used to come home from work, would basically ignore everyone, and would just plug into his video games and play all night. He's not an impressive guy.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Jun 21, 2015 16:56:12 GMT -5
I'm glad she's made the spreasheet and wants to show it to you. That's probably a big, and difficult, step for her. You clearly want to try and make this work, and so does she. I hope you are able to both listen to each other during the first spreadsheet conversation. In some ways, you are financially coaching her. Instead of making statements to her about her money, you might ask her questions about money that will lead her to think critically about it. Then it won't seem like you're telling her what to do. Maybe you already do something like that.
Where I live, child support is expected by the state to be reviewed every 36 months. Maybe there's a statute like that where you live?
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