giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jun 20, 2015 16:31:31 GMT -5
The biggest obstacle to us taking the next step is the financial issue. I'm not going to commit the rest of my life to someone who can't manage their money. You can commit to a life with her without signing the piece of paper. Is there a compelling reason why your relationship needs to be legal?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 20, 2015 16:34:04 GMT -5
how long have you been dating - and what is her basic financial situation? We've been dating for a little over a year and a half. She has a great job, makes good money (actually more than I do), and just blows through her paycheck. The biggest obstacle to us taking the next step is the financial issue. I'm not going to commit the rest of my life to someone who can't manage their money. Oh, and edit to add that she cut up her credit cards, and goes all cash now. So if she doesn't have it.... Yeah, don't. I went there only under the condition that he handed over control of all the finances to me, which he was fine with, but it still was stressful because I always felt like I was the only grown up and the bad guy in the relationship. The one that always had to say "no" to the toys or insist we save for things instead of getting it right away. I don't want another kid to parent, I want a partner.
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beergut
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Post by beergut on Jun 20, 2015 16:34:51 GMT -5
I am sure that beergut was trying to do something very nice; but at the same time his 'gift' came with about $250 in gasoline expense for GF and 18 hours of driving for her + the ride along kid I'm sure she rationalized that the cost of hotel was offset by the gas expense not incurred (but not really if she had actually done the math) and beergut would have helped her with that. So to her, except for the totally faulty math of gas vs hotel/food, she was thinking it was a vacation he was covering but opting out of. I agree that the early patterns set in relationships will carry forward, so people need to be careful of that. I had a boyfriend, when my kids were younger, that was all up for 'splitting costs' on dates etc. So going to the movies was $10 for him but $60 for me since I was paying a babysitter. At one point I brought it up to him that I really could not afford to go out due to babysitting costs that I didn't have room in the budget for. He happily said he'd split that with me, no problem. Two more times & he still didn't offer anything to cover babysitting. Wasn't nice & I felt tricked, so ended that. Not nice to manipulate that way either! That is when he should have said, "I ask you out, I pay for everything", and offered to pay the full cost of the babysitter. You know when you date someone with kids that their kids are always the first priority. If you want to spend time with that person, you have to make sure the kids are taken care of, and that can mean springing for a babysitter. It's part of the cost of dating a single mom.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 20, 2015 16:39:26 GMT -5
I am sure that beergut was trying to do something very nice; but at the same time his 'gift' came with about $250 in gasoline expense for GF and 18 hours of driving for her + the ride along kid I'm sure she rationalized that the cost of hotel was offset by the gas expense not incurred (but not really if she had actually done the math) and beergut would have helped her with that. So to her, except for the totally faulty math of gas vs hotel/food, she was thinking it was a vacation he was covering but opting out of. I agree that the early patterns set in relationships will carry forward, so people need to be careful of that. I had a boyfriend, when my kids were younger, that was all up for 'splitting costs' on dates etc. So going to the movies was $10 for him but $60 for me since I was paying a babysitter. At one point I brought it up to him that I really could not afford to go out due to babysitting costs that I didn't have room in the budget for. He happily said he'd split that with me, no problem. Two more times & he still didn't offer anything to cover babysitting. Wasn't nice & I felt tricked, so ended that. Not nice to manipulate that way either! That is when he should have said, "I ask you out, I pay for everything", and offered to pay the full cost of the babysitter. You know when you date someone with kids that their kids are always the first priority. If you want to spend time with that person, you have to make sure the kids are taken care of, and that can mean springing for a babysitter. It's part of the cost of dating a single mom. Just her beer. I'm trying to tell you, we're perfect for each other.
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beergut
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Post by beergut on Jun 20, 2015 16:46:05 GMT -5
The biggest obstacle to us taking the next step is the financial issue. I'm not going to commit the rest of my life to someone who can't manage their money. You can commit to a life with her without signing the piece of paper. Is there a compelling reason why your relationship needs to be legal? My deal-breaker is finance, her deal-breaker is marriage. If we want to stay together, she has to know that marriage is an end goal. I'm just fine being together and being committed, but she apparently had a boyfriend before who said he was committed, and then cheated on her. The kids want me as a step-father, the 15 yr old going so far as to ask me multiple time when I'm going to marry her mom. I've already told GF there will be a prenup, because I don't want her house. My brother just went through a divorce (went final last week), so I'm very leery of marriage. If I can get her to clean up her financial act, we can then move on to fighting about the wedding.
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tallguy
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Post by tallguy on Jun 20, 2015 16:46:31 GMT -5
Okay, I can see paying for the camps. Good on ya mate!
I can also see not allowing things to progress too much if she cannot handle money. If it is bad now, it will NOT get better when married. This is something you really need to get a handle on as soon as possible, as you know. It is a good sign that she cut up her cards, knowing that she can't handle them. It is still very troubling that she blows through her paycheck with apparently very little to show for it. Good luck, it won't be easy.
I'd bet that the extra tax for the entire week would only be in the $10-20 range, and less if they went to a cheaper place. I would still question the additional expenses that would require the other $280. (If that really was "just to be safe," and she comes back home with $250 of it remaining, I'll retract the criticism.) The decision to take the week itself is still highly questionable however.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 20, 2015 16:53:31 GMT -5
I am sure that beergut was trying to do something very nice; but at the same time his 'gift' came with about $250 in gasoline expense for GF and 18 hours of driving for her + the ride along kid I'm sure she rationalized that the cost of hotel was offset by the gas expense not incurred (but not really if she had actually done the math) and beergut would have helped her with that. So to her, except for the totally faulty math of gas vs hotel/food, she was thinking it was a vacation he was covering but opting out of. I agree that the early patterns set in relationships will carry forward, so people need to be careful of that. I had a boyfriend, when my kids were younger, that was all up for 'splitting costs' on dates etc. So going to the movies was $10 for him but $60 for me since I was paying a babysitter. At one point I brought it up to him that I really could not afford to go out due to babysitting costs that I didn't have room in the budget for. He happily said he'd split that with me, no problem. Two more times & he still didn't offer anything to cover babysitting. Wasn't nice & I felt tricked, so ended that. Not nice to manipulate that way either! That is when he should have said, "I ask you out, I pay for everything", and offered to pay the full cost of the babysitter. You know when you date someone with kids that their kids are always the first priority. If you want to spend time with that person, you have to make sure the kids are taken care of, and that can mean springing for a babysitter. It's part of the cost of dating a single mom. you are a nice guy beer!
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milee
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Post by milee on Jun 20, 2015 16:54:55 GMT -5
You're a coach, so it might help to think in sports terms. In pro sports, does anything the players say count or is it just the ending score? In other words, if a player says nice things it's irrelevant, if the player says nasty things, it's irrelevant, it's even irrelevant whether the player says anything at all in most sports. What counts is their actions.
Both you and GF are saying one thing and doing something completely different. She says she's committed to cleaning up her spending, yet her actions are that the overspends several times in the course of less than a week. She says that she's embarrassed, but she still asks you for money multiple times in less than one week. You say finances are a deal breaker but you subsidize and enable her mismanagement multiple times in the course of less than a week by handing over cash. By the way, kids are especially keen observers. If you parent this way (tell them one thing but then always do another), guess what they'll observe and base their actions and decisions on?
If this was a sports competition, you'd both be the players who were trash talking a big game but were losing. Actions are what counts here.
(And to make sure this isn't misinterpreted - it's not a perfect analogy and none of this means either of you should be a jerk to the other, because the words do matter and the way that you deal with this does matter. For example, if she's really cleaning up her finances she needs to just do it and not either directly ask you for $$$ or manipulate you by telling you a sob story and hoping guilt will encourage you to volunteer help. And you don't get to lecture her on finances; you empathize and if offered could make some suggestions, but you don't keep handing over $$$ and an accompanying talk about how she needs to do better.)
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beergut
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Post by beergut on Jun 20, 2015 16:57:14 GMT -5
That is when he should have said, "I ask you out, I pay for everything", and offered to pay the full cost of the babysitter. You know when you date someone with kids that their kids are always the first priority. If you want to spend time with that person, you have to make sure the kids are taken care of, and that can mean springing for a babysitter. It's part of the cost of dating a single mom. Just her beer. I'm trying to tell you, we're perfect for each other. Thanks for the compliment
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beergut
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Jun 20, 2015 17:13:29 GMT -5
Post by beergut on Jun 20, 2015 17:13:29 GMT -5
Both you and GF are saying one thing and doing something completely different. She says she's committed to cleaning up her spending, yet her actions are that the overspends several times in the course of less than a week. She says that she's embarrassed, but she still asks you for money multiple times in less than one week. You say finances are a deal breaker but you subsidize and enable her mismanagement multiple times in the course of less than a week by handing over cash. By the way, kids are especially keen observers. If you parent this way (tell them one thing but then always do another), guess what they'll observe and base their actions and decisions on?
(And to make sure this isn't misinterpreted - it's not a perfect analogy and none of this means either of you should be a jerk to the other, because the words do matter and the way that you deal with this does matter. For example, if she's really cleaning up her finances she needs to just do it and not either directly ask you for $$$ or manipulate you by telling you a sob story and hoping guilt will encourage you to volunteer help. And you don't get to lecture her on finances; you empathize and if offered could make some suggestions, but you don't keep handing over $$$ and an accompanying talk about how she needs to do better.) She has cleaned up her act somewhat. I think she thought she had it under control, which is why this week is so embarrassing for her. Imagine thinking you've got everything straightened out, and then something you missed (the lamp) pops up and messes up your budget. So you swallow your pride, admit the mistake, and make the phone call. Then, the next day, the bill is more than you thought it would be, and you know you'll be coming back in a few days, which means you're facing double that extra cost. Now you know that you're going to have to call again and ask for more money, and you wonder what he's going to think about it, or worse yet, think about YOU and how badly you screwed up. You've gone from embarrassing to downright humiliating. I think her biggest problem is her inability to say no to the kids. Sibling rivalry is real, and she always tries to make things 'fair' between them. Well, that means anytime you buy one thing, you need to triple that cost. The 15 yr old sent me a SCREAMING text on Tuesday, she was so excited, her mom bought her some A&M gear to wear during the camp, some compression shorts and a shirt. That isn't cheap. Add in the fact that she probably bought something for both the 17 yr old and the 13 yr old, and I'm sure that part of spending isn't something she budgeted for. If the 15 yr old asked for it, and she couldn't say 'no', and she thought she had to even it out for the other two....
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zibazinski
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Jun 20, 2015 17:55:06 GMT -5
Post by zibazinski on Jun 20, 2015 17:55:06 GMT -5
Look, I try that, too. It's easier for me because DS never asks for anything and DD constantly asks while pretending to be sorry/embarrassed about asking me AGAIN. I enable, I know it. I am all for being fair and DS is going to get a huge down payment for a house and a lot of his Italy trip covered. DD will actually be pissed about the fact that I will "even things up" someday and not see it that she got way more for way more many years than her brother ever did. She's JUST like her father, nothing is ever enough and she wants it all RIGHT NOW. DS will also inherit more because all my accounts are joint with him and I have a LOT of cash in those accounts. The IRA and Schwab accounts are split 50/50.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 20, 2015 17:56:10 GMT -5
Btw, my Dad told me that whenhe dated women who had kids, he ALWAYS paid the babysitter.
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zibazinski
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Jun 20, 2015 17:58:56 GMT -5
Post by zibazinski on Jun 20, 2015 17:58:56 GMT -5
how long have you been dating - and what is her basic financial situation? We've been dating for a little over a year and a half. She has a great job, makes good money (actually more than I do), and just blows through her paycheck. The biggest obstacle to us taking the next step is the financial issue. I'm not going to commit the rest of my life to someone who can't manage their money. Oh, and edit to add that she cut up her credit cards, and goes all cash now. So if she doesn't have it.... If she doesn't have it, she asks you for it.
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zibazinski
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Jun 20, 2015 18:04:43 GMT -5
Post by zibazinski on Jun 20, 2015 18:04:43 GMT -5
You know what? Whatever happened to the idea that YOU support what you bring into the world. It just stunned me when DH told me his ex quit her job and immediately had a cement child right after they got married. Okay, but when that cement child got old enough to go to school, why didn't she go to work to help send her first two by the pedophile jailbird to college? Nope, all on DH. He CLAIMS he asked her to get a job but she refused. I sincerely doubt his story frankly. But what about self respect? If DH offered to give my kids anything, I'd be grateful and surely wouldn't ask for more. I have never heard the term 'cement child' before, what is that? Cement child is the child you quickly get pregnant with to try to keep the man or at least a lot of his money if he decides to get out! As far as her kids bugging you to marry their mom, well, duh. Where do you think that idea comes from? Part of DH's issue with trying to extricate himself from his EX before they got married was he felt bad about her kids being on their own with just her again. I told him at the time to rent her a damn apartment and pay the rent on it for a year. I'd think about why her last boyfriend flew the coop. I'd think about it a LOT.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Jun 20, 2015 18:08:58 GMT -5
If the lamp messed up her budget and she has no credit cards, she used her debit card to pay for it, right? Why not take it out of your checkbook register when you made the purchase and act as if the money is gone. Oh wait... No one balances their checkbook around here but me.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jun 20, 2015 18:15:43 GMT -5
If the lamp messed up her budget and she has no credit cards, she used her debit card to pay for it, right? Why not take it out of your checkbook register when you made the purchase and act as if the money is gone. Oh wait... No one balances their checkbook around here but me. Well, I was wondering why she just wouldn't get online and transfer money from her savings account to her checking account..then there's no need to ask the boyfriend for help....
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Jun 20, 2015 18:29:11 GMT -5
If the lamp messed up her budget and she has no credit cards, she used her debit card to pay for it, right? Why not take it out of your checkbook register when you made the purchase and act as if the money is gone. Oh wait... No one balances their checkbook around here but me. Well, I was wondering why she just wouldn't get online and transfer money from her savings account to her checking account..then there's no need to ask the boyfriend for help.... Maybe she doesn't have enough to cover it in the savings account. If she blows through her paycheck as soon as she gets it, I doubt it goes to savings.
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obelisk
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Post by obelisk on Jun 20, 2015 18:40:41 GMT -5
Believe from experience, you are the EF. You can check the hotel tax by calling the hotel and asking yourself. It will not exceed 15%. The hotel bill is available daily in room. By purchasing the extra swag and knowing you don't have the funds is financially not responsible. Just think of yourself in the opposite. I am sure you would have driven backwards and forwards for your own to make this a dream camp. Myself, I would sleep in my vehicle. She on her own decided for a vacation knowing that you had to housesit for your parents and then having the gall to ask for funds! Especially for a shooting competition and XXXXXXXXXXX. The kids where not even enrolled in a shooting competition. Would you call your loved one embarrassed that you just purchased some items that your debit card did not cover for a non emergency? Actions speak louder than words. Just wait for the University unexpected fees especially the I want to spend a year abroad because everyone is going or the sorority fees. Remember the child support if any will end soon and then what? It is only going to get more expensive moving forward. I hope you have plans to increase your skills pay/salary soon or huge inheritance. I would figure out how much in a dollar amount you are going to put up with in you mind before taking action.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Jun 20, 2015 18:40:43 GMT -5
I don't want to seem as I'm hating too much either. I'm a single parent and I get it. I've been everywhere from having no money worries to wondering how I'm going to keep the lights on. But when you have the means, you save up as much as you can in anticipation of the day when something comes up that takes some of the means away. Not going on vacation and blowing money on things you don't need.
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justme
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Post by justme on Jun 20, 2015 19:59:23 GMT -5
Both you and GF are saying one thing and doing something completely different. She says she's committed to cleaning up her spending, yet her actions are that the overspends several times in the course of less than a week. She says that she's embarrassed, but she still asks you for money multiple times in less than one week. You say finances are a deal breaker but you subsidize and enable her mismanagement multiple times in the course of less than a week by handing over cash. By the way, kids are especially keen observers. If you parent this way (tell them one thing but then always do another), guess what they'll observe and base their actions and decisions on?
(And to make sure this isn't misinterpreted - it's not a perfect analogy and none of this means either of you should be a jerk to the other, because the words do matter and the way that you deal with this does matter. For example, if she's really cleaning up her finances she needs to just do it and not either directly ask you for $$$ or manipulate you by telling you a sob story and hoping guilt will encourage you to volunteer help. And you don't get to lecture her on finances; you empathize and if offered could make some suggestions, but you don't keep handing over $$$ and an accompanying talk about how she needs to do better.) She has cleaned up her act somewhat. I think she thought she had it under control, which is why this week is so embarrassing for her. Imagine thinking you've got everything straightened out, and then something you missed (the lamp) pops up and messes up your budget. So you swallow your pride, admit the mistake, and make the phone call. Then, the next day, the bill is more than you thought it would be, and you know you'll be coming back in a few days, which means you're facing double that extra cost. Now you know that you're going to have to call again and ask for more money, and you wonder what he's going to think about it, or worse yet, think about YOU and how badly you screwed up. You've gone from embarrassing to downright humiliating. I think her biggest problem is her inability to say no to the kids. Sibling rivalry is real, and she always tries to make things 'fair' between them. Well, that means anytime you buy one thing, you need to triple that cost. The 15 yr old sent me a SCREAMING text on Tuesday, she was so excited, her mom bought her some A&M gear to wear during the camp, some compression shorts and a shirt. That isn't cheap. Add in the fact that she probably bought something for both the 17 yr old and the 13 yr old, and I'm sure that part of spending isn't something she budgeted for. If the 15 yr old asked for it, and she couldn't say 'no', and she thought she had to even it out for the other two.... Has she really cleaned up her act somewhat if she makes more than you but didn't have 500 in a savings account to transfer over? I know she has kids to pay for, but if she makes more than you and you are pitching in towards housing (meaning you moving in freed up a few hundred in her budget that could have gone directly to savings) I'm not sure how having no savings a year and a half later is an improvement. Though I guess it might be if she went from debt to no debt, though she's still not that motivated to cut her spending it seems.
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obelisk
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Post by obelisk on Jun 20, 2015 19:59:33 GMT -5
On another note, since you are the one that took on sending them to camp, you are responsible for all costs and extras. If it wasn't for you, there would be no camp therefore you are expected to cover all shortfalls. I can understand from your GF point of view. She is supporting your wishes but will not support them financially or the trouble of transportation without a vacation. Just ask yourself, what would happen if you did not support the camps financially.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 20, 2015 20:02:14 GMT -5
Absolutely. Ive also been a single parent. I basically still am. I'd never ever ask DH to pay for anything for my kids. If he offered, I'd think about it depending on what it was. I have more self respect than to be a mooch. Btw, what are you paying her for living there?
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beergut
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Jun 20, 2015 20:21:37 GMT -5
Post by beergut on Jun 20, 2015 20:21:37 GMT -5
On another note, since you are the one that took on sending them to camp, you are responsible for all costs and extras. If it wasn't for you, there would be no camp therefore you are expected to cover all shortfalls.I can understand from your GF point of view. She is supporting your wishes but will not support them financially or the trouble of transportation without a vacation. Just ask yourself, what would happen if you did not support the camps financially. Ah, but these expenses aren't related to camp, they are related to the vacation she decided to take because her kids are going to these camps. That is where your theory falls apart. If I didn't send the kids to camp, the 15 yr old would be hanging out at home and doing off-season conditioning right now. The 17 yr old would be working at her Summer job as a lifeguard (Ever seen The Sandlot? She is Wendy Peppercorn). The 13 yr old would be staying up all night playing video games.
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beergut
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Post by beergut on Jun 20, 2015 20:29:15 GMT -5
Absolutely. Ive also been a single parent. I basically still am. I'd never ever ask DH to pay for anything for my kids. If he offered, I'd think about it depending on what it was. I have more self respect than to be a mooch. Btw, what are you paying her for living there? I pay for groceries, food, nights out, vacations, special events. I've done the math several times. One month of feeding those kids is more than the mortgage payment. It isn't just the three of them, it's the fact that we live in a small town, and their friends are always over hanging out. Teenagers are a bigger plague on food supplies than locusts. I also pay for wifi, Netflix, and the occasional auto repair.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 20, 2015 20:41:03 GMT -5
What I pay for food is astounding.
6 girls here tonight. No boys. They finished 2 1/2 large pizzas half a cake, a few bags of snack stuff and are now raiding the freezer...
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beergut
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Post by beergut on Jun 20, 2015 20:46:01 GMT -5
What I pay for food is astounding. 6 girls here tonight. No boys. They finished 2 1/2 large pizzas half a cake, a few bags of snack stuff and are now raiding the freezer... The one good thing about the 15 yr old is she refuses to raid the freezer, she says it just has 'ingredients', she wants stuff that si already cooked.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 20, 2015 20:51:41 GMT -5
There were two boxes of gfree chicken nuggets in there for an emergency... Guess this was it!
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Jun 20, 2015 21:01:18 GMT -5
If the lamp messed up her budget and she has no credit cards, she used her debit card to pay for it, right? Why not take it out of your checkbook register when you made the purchase and act as if the money is gone. Oh wait... No one balances their checkbook around here but me. Woah!!! Did I miss a thread? I balance to the penny all my accounts every month!!!
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Jun 20, 2015 21:13:08 GMT -5
Teenagers will eat you into the poorhouse. On the other hand if they are all at your house, then you know where they are, who they are with and what they are doing. I grew up with two younger brothers, I never knew leftovers could go bad until I had my own place in college. A warehouse club membership might be worthwhile for you with three teenagers to feed.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Jun 20, 2015 21:50:17 GMT -5
If the lamp messed up her budget and she has no credit cards, she used her debit card to pay for it, right? Why not take it out of your checkbook register when you made the purchase and act as if the money is gone. Oh wait... No one balances their checkbook around here but me. Woah!!! Did I miss a thread? I balance to the penny all my accounts every month!!! Yeah. There was one where we were talking about it and apparently I am a rare breed who keeps a ledger and keeps track of their money. Some people said they haven't balanced a checkbook in 20+ years.
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