ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on May 12, 2015 12:32:46 GMT -5
My daughter would do that do. Laying on her and pinning in her arms and legs does help, though. She yells and screams and tries to get away for 5 or 10 minutes. Then she eventually clams down. Usually she has the breakdown because she is tired, so fighting tires her out even more. When she does calm down we snuggle and talk about what happened. I don't think I could physically do that. Generally interaction upsets DD A LOT more & I am pretty sure I would end up head-butted or bitten if I physically tried to restrain her.
I've done the taking toys away. But usually that escalates quite a bit before she calms down, so it has to be a situation that is so dire it warrants that. And by escalating quite a bit, I mean I've endured 45 minutes of screaming & throwing things & having to keep putting her back in her room while I empty her room out toy by toy. It just isn't a good tactic for her because it becomes an absolute battle of wills.
yeah, you gotta know your kid ,too.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 12, 2015 12:32:47 GMT -5
when my 6 year old gets really worked up I put her on her bed and lay on her, holding her arms and legs down until she calms down. Does that get me any awards? I'm not sure that would work on him, but if it would, I'd do it. I have drug him into his room and put (dropped) him in his bed and left with the warning that every single thing he threw would be throw away and I've gone back in there and chucked out toys that I heard hitting the walls and door. This, btw does not help. It just escalates the rage attack. I won't lay on them. But I've sat down with a kid in my lap and wrapped my arms around them to stop the hitting - kind of like a giant hug. The peril is when they start flailing their head back. I've gotten whacked pretty hard a couple of times. I haven't done this is a while though. I'm not sure it was working/accomplishing anything. I wasn't feeling comfortable doing it anymore. The kids were over 50 lbs. And I didn't want them to feel it was ok to hold someone down when they didn't want to be held down. I'm not saying don't do it. I did it for several years and I do think it helped somewhat. And we're over the worst of the hitting, kicking stuff now.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on May 12, 2015 12:37:06 GMT -5
I don't believe in physically restraining kids. I think that only fuels the fire. Yes, I may physically pick them up to put them in the car if I had to leave for work. But if they are pitching a hissy on the floor, I just laugh and walk away. Let me know when you are done writhing and pitching a hissy.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on May 12, 2015 12:42:27 GMT -5
I don't believe in physically restraining kids. I think that only fuels the fire. Yes, I may physically pick them up to put them in the car if I had to leave for work. But if they are pitching a hissy on the floor, I just laugh and walk away. Let me know when you are done writhing and pitching a hissy. I don't like belittling how my kids are feeling when they are upset. I like to tell them it is ok to be upset. It is ok to get really mad. But you have to figure out a way to deal with it in a better way.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2015 12:43:41 GMT -5
I know I ask a lot of stupid parenting questions, but I seriously suck at this. My siblings are all steps and halves that I never lived with, my Dad was never around until I was about 30 and my Mom's parenting philosophy was to just leave food in the fridge and pantry. I saw her very little after about first grade and I really don't have much to model here. My relating with people abilities are bad enough, but when they're acting like irrational apes I'm at a total loss.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on May 12, 2015 12:44:45 GMT -5
I know I ask a lot of stupid parenting questions, but I seriously suck at this. My siblings are all steps and halves that I never lived with, my Dad was never around until I was about 30 and my Mom's parenting philosophy was to just leave food in the fridge and pantry. I saw her very little after about first grade and I really don't have much to model here. My relating with people abilities are bad enough, but when they're acting like irrational apes I'm at a total loss. No one knows what they are doing. Everyone is just winging it.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on May 12, 2015 12:56:56 GMT -5
Yeah, what Archie said!
What I've been trying lately, is to put words to describe their emotions. Honestly, it doesn't help while a tantrum is happening, but I'm hoping, as they get older, it will help them work through their feelings better if they have the vocabulary. We'll see...
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on May 12, 2015 13:14:24 GMT -5
What Archie said is right! We are all just making it up and doing the best we can. Even with the best roles models every kids is different so what works for some doesn't work for others.
I thought I was an awesome parent until DD, since then I've realized DS1 was just an easy laid-back kid. Now I have days where I cry on the way home or after DD has thrown a fit because I don't know what to do. I feel like a failure because I'm now a parent of one of those kids and worse I can tell she needs help and I don't know how to help her. We are making progress, but I still wonder if I'm doing enough or we are on the right track.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on May 12, 2015 13:25:47 GMT -5
Some kids are tougher to handle then others.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 12, 2015 13:31:50 GMT -5
I asked DH last night if it was too early for Gwen to be going thru puberty b/c holy mother of God. I was going to mash up some Midol and put them in her Rice Krispies.
She's not like this at school at all which on the one hand I am glad for but on the other hand I feel like I am dealing with a body snatcher.
She had a massive tantrum when she busted my tooth on Saturday. I think part of that was the fact I yelled and swore like a sailor (it hurt) and that scared her. Then she was tired from all the stimulation at the Ren Fair. Yesterday it was about control and challenging me. I was on the phone and she wanted to watch Hello Kitty on the computer. I said no and all hell broke loose.
I decided to ignore her. I was right about her motives b/c she kept looking up and it was pissing her off when I'd walk over her and go about my business. She finally calmed down and we discussed the fact that her tantrum did not get her what she wanted. She got what she wanted when she calmed down and "asked nicely" for Hello Kitty. Then other times it is b/c she wants attention. We're still in competitive mode, if she feels her sister is getting too much attention she acts out b/c any attention is better than none. So we're working more on divide/conquer and involving her if we're dealing with Abby.
She also feeds off DH's moods, he's been taking out his stress at work on us and she feeds off that. He also ignores us all the time when he's mad and she quickly figured out she gets his attention if she's naughty. DH and I talked and he's working on not bringing work stuff home and paying more attention to Gwen in a positive manner.
I try my best to figure out the motive behind the tantrum and adjust my response accordingly but it is HARD. I don't have any clue what I am doing either, I'm making it up as I go along.
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Abby Normal
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Post by Abby Normal on May 12, 2015 13:31:58 GMT -5
I know I ask a lot of stupid parenting questions, but I seriously suck at this. My siblings are all steps and halves that I never lived with, my Dad was never around until I was about 30 and my Mom's parenting philosophy was to just leave food in the fridge and pantry. I saw her very little after about first grade and I really don't have much to model here. My relating with people abilities are bad enough, but when they're acting like irrational apes I'm at a total loss. They don't say " It takes a village to raise a child" for nothing. Everyone has to delve into the knowledge base of others. Lest they go crazy!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 12, 2015 13:34:53 GMT -5
Honestly. And this will sound ... meh. I don't know. And again, you have to know your kid. But sometimes becoming an irrational ape yourself works. Its like a 'wtf?' moment for the kid. I can remember a few moments where I just stood up or rolled up all the windows in the car and just scream. Stomp my feet, throw my shoes. slam myself down in the chair and say no, no, no... and give big old raspberry.
And then depending on the reaction, which was generally shock... sigh. Say, well that helped. or that's enough of that. and maybe just silently get back to what I'm doing. Or even a giggle...
I took a class once, and they suggested if you have problem students, like say they are playing with their pencil instead of paying attention, distracting other students, you don't yell at them, you yell at the pencil. Go back and take the pencil. Give them a new pencil you tell them you are sure will behave much better, and lecture the pencil the whole way back up to the front of the room. Ultimately the purpose is to shock, and draw attention to the behavior, but not necessarily negative attention to the kid. I've actually done it and have it work. I did it in an interview once, mock lesson and one of the interviewers was in the role of 'problem'... even he, an adult, stopped what he was doing for a few minutes.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on May 12, 2015 13:41:27 GMT -5
I had success with putting the toy or whatever in "time out" for awhile. Then she clued in and when I try it now she says "I don't care".
I wasn't counting on my kid being smarter than me.
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on May 12, 2015 13:46:29 GMT -5
(Thank you powers that be Thankyouthankyouthankyou for an easy kid)
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 12, 2015 13:55:05 GMT -5
I know I ask a lot of stupid parenting questions, but I seriously suck at this. My siblings are all steps and halves that I never lived with, my Dad was never around until I was about 30 and my Mom's parenting philosophy was to just leave food in the fridge and pantry. I saw her very little after about first grade and I really don't have much to model here. My relating with people abilities are bad enough, but when they're acting like irrational apes I'm at a total loss. No one knows what they are doing. Everyone is just winging it. hell yes.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on May 12, 2015 13:58:07 GMT -5
I had success with putting the toy or whatever in "time out" for awhile. Then she clued in and when I try it now she says "I don't care".
I wasn't counting on my kid being smarter than me. Nope, us neither.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on May 12, 2015 14:04:13 GMT -5
I don't really tolerate defiance regarding getting dressed/ready to go in the mornings. I'll ask him 3 times to finish eating/put his shoes on/put the coat on/etc. If it's not done by the third time, TV goes off/toys are taken away and I physically do it myself often while DS is protesting. I don't have time for nonsense on weekday mornings. I try to give DS a little freedom in that he can watch trains or nursery songs on YouTube while he has breakfast, but he has to do what I ask him to do when I ask him. If he doesn't, what I want will still get done but he won't like how it happens.
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Formerly SK
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Post by Formerly SK on May 12, 2015 15:59:46 GMT -5
I highly recommend the Love and Logic books. Also, getting a job in a school.
OK, the job in a school was a joke. That said, you realize pretty quickly in a school environment that you simply cannot yell and throw away things every time a kid doesn't comply. Battles of wills almost NEVER work with kids. You have to use calm voices, basic reasoning, natural consequences. Give kids control over their lives and let them see how their choices work out. "You didn't put your shoes on in time to get in the car? I'm so sorry! I hope your feet aren't too cold!" Lots of empathy as they face their consequences.
At preschool age, I would use a chart system and make the goals very specific. Not "have a great attitude at dinnertime" but "smiles during dinner." Also, include in the chart things they already do successfully so not everything is an emerging skill. Try to make the rewards intrinsic, though. Too many gold stars (or whatever external reward you come up with) and eventually they become less special. The kid needs to be internally motivated.
Also, most preschoolers need lots of extra time for transitions. If the morning is a yell-fest as you're trying to get out the door, wake up earlier so you have more time. It's usually easier to do preparation/preventative work than to deal with a crisis tantrum. Also, wait until everyone has settled down emotionally before talking it out. Just like adults, kids reason better when they are calm. Once an incident is over, talk about it with the kid and see what thoughts he has on why it went wrong. Why didn't he want to wear the shoes? Yeah, I realize it's 4yo logic, but if he can articulate it to you then perhaps you guys can come up with a solution so there's no "next time."
JMO
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on May 12, 2015 16:08:07 GMT -5
Mine DD knows she's not allowed to pout or be frowny at the table. She has to leave if she's going to pout. Usually I ask her if she wants to go take some time to be upset and she can come back when she is ready to finish dinner. I agree with the empathy part - fSK, saying you are almost sorry the rules are what they are... lol. My kid is way difficult. My spouse has 2 other kids and says she's definitely the most "spirited" of them all.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on May 12, 2015 16:30:35 GMT -5
Mine DD knows she's not allowed to pout or be frowny at the table. She has to leave if she's going to pout. Usually I ask her if she wants to go take some time to be upset and she can come back when she is ready to finish dinner. I agree with the empathy part - fSK, saying you are almost sorry the rules are what they are... lol. My kid is way difficult. My spouse has 2 other kids and says she's definitely the most "spirited" of them all. Why?
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on May 12, 2015 16:52:08 GMT -5
If it's any consolation, my niece, who spends time with me, went through that stage. But it passed. Thank Heavens. I just waited her out when she was being defiant. Want to play Mousetrap? You have to pick up the Barbie stuff first. I can wait. Want dessert? You have to finish your dinner first. I can wait. I had the luxury of a lot of time and no place I had to be. If she wanted to take 3 hours to pick up the Barbie stuff, I had the time. I know not all parents can do that. If I'm remembering correctly, this stuff went on for a year or so. My brother muttered something (in between pulling his hair out and babbling) about her finding her independence. I don't have kids so I have no clue what it's like dealing with them 24/7. Not sure I'd have the patience I have if it was a full-time thing. We do that with DS (age 5) and it does not sink in. I say pick up and we can go outside before bedtime. Most of the time he doesn't get things pickesd up in time to go outside. Then he throws a fit about it. We stay consistent and he still struggles with it. We have had to say no so many times that I get frustrated that we are missing out on fun time. I will help him pick up, but he has to get started on his own and keep working once I start helping. I won't pick up his mess on my own. Also the giving a choice about shoes, doesn't work with my kids. (When they have more than one pair shoes). They still throw a fit even when given a choice.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on May 12, 2015 17:04:01 GMT -5
Well parent of the year that I am, I flipped on DS on Sunday. DH had blown off mother's day and I ended up taking the kids to church by myself (after crying that my husband went back to sleep). Coming home, Ben starts saying "Daddy" in this real pleaing voice. I finally lost it on him. I was like "He's not in the car, Why are you calling for him". He was like "I don't know" and I was crying and just told him "well stop". Not my finest moment taking my emotionalness out on DS for what his dad did that morning.
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Abby Normal
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Post by Abby Normal on May 12, 2015 17:25:22 GMT -5
Well parent of the year that I am, I flipped on DS on Sunday. DH had blown off mother's day and I ended up taking the kids to church by myself (after crying that my husband went back to sleep). Coming home, Ben starts saying "Daddy" in this real pleaing voice. I finally lost it on him. I was like "He's not in the car, Why are you calling for him". He was like "I don't know" and I was crying and just told him "well stop". Not my finest moment taking my emotionalness out on DS for what his dad did that morning. It's what you do next that matters. When I have lost it with DS, I always go back later and said "I'm sorry for taking it out on you." I think it's good for kids to see that we all lose it once in a while. Now that he's older, I see him doing the same thing. He was in a bad mood the other day before he went to school. Overtired teenager with an attitude. Nice. But when I got home, first thing he said to me was " I'm sorry about this morning, mom". I think it's important to let them know you're upset at the situation, not at them. It's ok to admit when I'm wrong.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on May 12, 2015 17:37:39 GMT -5
If it's any consolation, my niece, who spends time with me, went through that stage. But it passed. Thank Heavens. I just waited her out when she was being defiant. Want to play Mousetrap? You have to pick up the Barbie stuff first. I can wait. Want dessert? You have to finish your dinner first. I can wait. I had the luxury of a lot of time and no place I had to be. If she wanted to take 3 hours to pick up the Barbie stuff, I had the time. I know not all parents can do that. If I'm remembering correctly, this stuff went on for a year or so. My brother muttered something (in between pulling his hair out and babbling) about her finding her independence. I don't have kids so I have no clue what it's like dealing with them 24/7. Not sure I'd have the patience I have if it was a full-time thing. We do that with DS (age 5) and it does not sink in. I say pick up and we can go outside before bedtime. Most of the time he doesn't get things pickesd up in time to go outside. Then he throws a fit about it. We stay consistent and he still struggles with it. We have had to say no so many times that I get frustrated that we are missing out on fun time. I will help him pick up, but he has to get started on his own and keep working once I start helping. I won't pick up his mess on my own. Also the giving a choice about shoes, doesn't work with my kids. (When they have more than one pair shoes). They still throw a fit even when given a choice. It took my DS almost two school years to understand that it wasn't worth it to cry/yell/have a fit over doing 10-15 minutes of homework. It was every day. Sometimes DS would go on for 45 minutes or an hour. There were lots of weeks where there was no fun time. We had the same routine: after school play on playground for up to 30 minutes, home, snack homework dinner, fun. So it wasn't like he didn't know what to expect. We've had a good run. I'm expecting to have issues next year..
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on May 12, 2015 17:48:01 GMT -5
Well parent of the year that I am, I flipped on DS on Sunday. DH had blown off mother's day and I ended up taking the kids to church by myself (after crying that my husband went back to sleep). Coming home, Ben starts saying "Daddy" in this real pleaing voice. I finally lost it on him. I was like "He's not in the car, Why are you calling for him". He was like "I don't know" and I was crying and just told him "well stop". Not my finest moment taking my emotionalness out on DS for what his dad did that morning. It's what you do next that matters. When I have lost it with DS, I always go back later and said "I'm sorry for taking it out on you." I think it's good for kids to see that we all lose it once in a while. Now that he's older, I see him doing the same thing. He was in a bad mood the other day before he went to school. Overtired teenager with an attitude. Nice. But when I got home, first thing he said to me was " I'm sorry about this morning, mom". I think it's important to let them know you're upset at the situation, not at them. It's ok to admit when I'm wrong. My kids have seen me lose it too often. DD often uses the word frustrated because she has heard me use it so many times when apologizing for yelling when I'm frustrated over other things. Usually it is when they keep bugging me for something. Like the other day I'm cleaning up dog puke and they keep asking when dinner is going to be ready. I can only do one thing at a time! And not really the same thing, but I got tired of listening the kids talk about when dad is moving back. So one day I nicely said he is probably never coming back and explained in kid terms his warrant - that he was in trouble and instead of facing the consequences he ran away and now if he comes back he is in even bigger trouble. I almost immediately regretted it and felt like I said too much, but I was just so sick of the hopeful conversations about when he comes back.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on May 12, 2015 17:56:06 GMT -5
If it's any consolation, my niece, who spends time with me, went through that stage. But it passed. Thank Heavens. I just waited her out when she was being defiant. Want to play Mousetrap? You have to pick up the Barbie stuff first. I can wait. Want dessert? You have to finish your dinner first. I can wait. I had the luxury of a lot of time and no place I had to be. If she wanted to take 3 hours to pick up the Barbie stuff, I had the time. I know not all parents can do that. If I'm remembering correctly, this stuff went on for a year or so. My brother muttered something (in between pulling his hair out and babbling) about her finding her independence. I don't have kids so I have no clue what it's like dealing with them 24/7. Not sure I'd have the patience I have if it was a full-time thing. We do that with DS (age 5) and it does not sink in. I say pick up and we can go outside before bedtime. Most of the time he doesn't get things pickesd up in time to go outside. Then he throws a fit about it. We stay consistent and he still struggles with it. We have had to say no so many times that I get frustrated that we are missing out on fun time. I will help him pick up, but he has to get started on his own and keep working once I start helping. I won't pick up his mess on my own. Also the giving a choice about shoes, doesn't work with my kids. (When they have more than one pair shoes). They still throw a fit even when given a choice. Oh gosh, Mutley....I would never give advice on raising kids since I don't have any. I was just saying what worked with my niece. I'm not the one who has to worry about missing out on fun time so it's easy for me. If we go outside, we go. If we don't, we don't. I know it's totally different if you are the full-time parent. I honestly don't know at what age a child understands that they caused their own consequences t by not listening so I don't even know how effective it is in the end. In addition, she wasn't made to obey like that at home, so I was probably even being unfair to her since I don't know how much she understood that Auntie Gel's rules were different than rules at home.
My main concerns were her safety and her health. I am so afraid that if she doesn't listen to me when I give directions, it may cause her to not listen to me when I say "don't run out into the street" or "don't go near the oven" or "stop" - things like that. I am so afraid something will happen to her and that's on me....not her. I think there's a reason I won't be a parent. My kid would probably grow up afraid of his/her own shadow.
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Malarky
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Post by Malarky on May 12, 2015 18:26:20 GMT -5
Angel! He does sometimes get himself worked up where he doesn't know what to do. We were at the zoo a few weeks ago and he was upset over not getting ice cream and it got to the point where it was just ridiculous. Hitting, yelling, crying. We sat down on a bench and I said we weren't going anywhere until he stopped acting like this. He was crying and telling me he didn't know how to stop and asking me what to do. Then later he just snaps out and says "Eli is back now". (yeah, that does kind of freak me out a little when he says that!) An office referral is a discipline report form. It outlines the issue, the "level of the infraction" either major or minor, what was done (time out, loss of privileges, sent to the office, etc) and the child has to draw a picture of the rule the broke and another picture showing how they can be more respectful next time. Office referral forms go to the office and a copy is sent to the parent. I think he'd like a point system, but I think I'D be the one to misuse it. "Put your shoes on and I'll give you 5 extra points!". Whatever works! I did that a little with the point system. Then the kids starting taking advantage of it - always asking for points for every little thing they did. But, it did get them to develop much better habits & getting ready for school or for bed isn't the fight it use to be.
That sounds a lot like DD. After the fact she was always remorseful & crying & would say things like "I want to be good, I just don't know how" and would sometimes talk almost as though there were two of her "sometimes the bad DD comes out & I can't control myslef". You could work with him on calming techniques. Poor DD - between myself, teachers & Dino school she has been given so many suggestions that I think it overwhelms her. Some of the things she has been taught to do - take three deep breaths, count to 5, punch a pillow, curl up into a little ball (tiny turtle) & say to herself "I can calm down, I can calm down". Then one teacher cuts her lilacs almost everyday - I guess the smell is supposed to be calming & tells her to smell the flowers when she starts getting upset. The only problem is when she is extremely upset, no suggestions get through to her at that point.
It wouldn't work well in public, but sometimes I tell her to scream. I count to 3 & tell her to scream as loud as she can to get all her anger out. I think that it uses a lot of energy & then being told to scream takes some of the fun out of screaming, so usually she can only get 1 or 2 out before she calms down. Usually she is still upset, but it gets her past the screaming & throwing thing stage & then she just cries.
DD was the type to get really worked up and find it hard to calm down. If she was trying to calm herself I used a simple technique that my mom used on me when I was a kid. If the child wants to regain control-have them stand tall, hold their hands over their head and take deep breaths. It changes their body posture, opens up the ribcage so they can get more oxygen and gives them something concrete that they can do. Usually after a few hiccuping breaths some semblance of calm is achieved. I'm not sure you'd want to use this part, given recent history, but either she or I would use the phrase "hands up" as a verbal clue that things had spiraled out of control and it was time to rein it in. ETA: I realize that this doesn't address the cause of the tantrum/meltdown. It's merely an option of take the drama down a notch. Plus, I actually did this at work this morning. I wasn't having a tantrum but I was trying to dissuade myself from committing a felony on a fellow employee. It really did work.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on May 13, 2015 0:17:43 GMT -5
Mine DD knows she's not allowed to pout or be frowny at the table. She has to leave if she's going to pout. Usually I ask her if she wants to go take some time to be upset and she can come back when she is ready to finish dinner. I agree with the empathy part - fSK, saying you are almost sorry the rules are what they are... lol. My kid is way difficult. My spouse has 2 other kids and says she's definitely the most "spirited" of them all. Why? Cause I don't want to look at it? LOL. Maybe I'm mean. I dunoo. She's allowed to express herself and be unhappy if she wants-- but she's usually pouting because of something completely ridiculous and family dinner time is for sharing and talking and eating and not being a brat. She has to do that in her room. Usually I tell her she can go to her room if she needs quiet time and she decides she's done being upset. LOL. If she's truly unhappy about something, I wouldn't send her away of course.
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mamasita99
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Post by mamasita99 on May 13, 2015 5:20:03 GMT -5
"Ignore and Redirect". Not necessarily in this case, I'm just spouting off a behavior strategy I have used over the years with clients and students. It also works on my mother when I'm about to lose it.
As far as the shoes, I second the suggestion for providing choices, whenever possible. If you can follow through with him wearing paper bags on his feet, of course. Because you know a spirited 5 year old will choose the paper bags!
My 15 year old still drags butt in the morning. I have to set contingencies for her, because frankly she just needs the structure. First get yourself 100% ready for school, and Then I will release the computer or phone. I have also discovered that making mornings more enticing is an easy way to get compliance. Face it, mornings suck. Sometimes a hot cup of coffee is what motivates me to get out of bed in the morning. For my daughter, I found that she gets motivated by hot chocolate, or bacon, or something else she really likes. The more motivation my daughter has to do what she needs to do, the more compliance I get.
I'm going to school for this behavior stuff, but with my own kids, in real life, it can be tough. You are not alone!
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on May 13, 2015 5:56:17 GMT -5
Basically, just try assorted approaches and use what works for your kid. And, this isn't behavior that is going to change overnight. You probably have about 20 more years of it, lol. It's a journey. To get him to a place where he becomes a self sufficient adult, that's the end goal. My oldest son was always a handful. I had to come down really hard on him when he was 14. He "lived Amish" for an entire year with nothing that plugged in or ran on battery or had a screen. It was 3 steps forward and 2 back. And, as he got older, I adopted a more and more "No Bullschit" approach. Where I simply held him responsible for things he should be responsible, NO excuses. You didn't do your homework, I don't care WHY. It's not done. Now, you can suffer the consequences, be it sitting in dentention or getting a D or whatever. Not my problem. You OWN your own behavior and work. And, you have to let kids fail. Let them OWN it. Yes, at 5, I don't mean now, but as you progress you have to let them feel the consequences of what they choose in an age appropriate way. Now my son is 19, in college, getting mostly A's, working a part time job and a very responsible young man that I am proud of. But, we really worked hard along the way.
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