Honesty when beginning a relationship

[Phoenix84]

For what it's worth Justme, I don't think your criteria are that strict.  Seems pretty basic to me.

Just curious, what age range specifically are you looking for?

[Peace Of Mind]

Jan 23, 2015 15:30:16 GMT -5 Phoenix84 said:

For what it's worth Justme, I don't think your criteria are that strict.  Seems pretty basic to me.

Just curious, what age range specifically are you looking for?

Phoenix and Justme sittin' in a tree...      Mich and TD did it so why not you guys?  I want to be in the wedding as Matron Of Honor!  I'm closer and can do stuff!    

I'm still laughing at Zib's "No need to tell them you have herpes post" but I do agree with her that you need to take it slow and not lay it all on the line for the first couple of dates.  See if you like each other, see if there is chemistry, and let it play out from there.  But yes please mention the herpes issues and kids before breakfast the next day because that would be a bit awkward. 

[MJ2.0]

Jan 23, 2015 15:38:23 GMT -5 Peace Of Mind said:

Jan 23, 2015 15:30:16 GMT -5 Phoenix84 said:

For what it's worth Justme, I don't think your criteria are that strict.  Seems pretty basic to me.

Just curious, what age range specifically are you looking for?

Phoenix and Justme sittin' in a tree...      Mich and TD did it so why not you guys?  I want to be in the wedding as Matron Of Honor!  I'm closer and can do stuff!    

I'm still laughing at Zib's "No need to tell them you have herpes post" but I do agree with her that you need to take it slow and not lay it all on the line for the first couple of dates.  See if you like each other, see if there is chemistry, and let it play out from there.  But yes please mention the herpes issues and kids before breakfast the next day because that would be a bit awkward. 

On the very first date I went on, I told him everything (the separation, DS, etc.) because I felt basically no chemistry and I hoped it would scare him off. He texted me a few days later asking if I wanted to grab a drink with him! SMH...

[Peace Of Mind]

Jan 23, 2015 15:44:17 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

Jan 23, 2015 15:38:23 GMT -5 Peace Of Mind said:

Phoenix and Justme sittin' in a tree...      Mich and TD did it so why not you guys?  I want to be in the wedding as Matron Of Honor!  I'm closer and can do stuff!    

I'm still laughing at Zib's "No need to tell them you have herpes post" but I do agree with her that you need to take it slow and not lay it all on the line for the first couple of dates.  See if you like each other, see if there is chemistry, and let it play out from there.  But yes please mention the herpes issues and kids before breakfast the next day because that would be a bit awkward. 

On the very first date I went on, I told him everything (the separation, DS, etc.) because I felt basically no chemistry and I hoped it would scare him off. He texted me a few days later asking if I wanted to grab a drink with him! SMH...

LMAO!  He probably thought you were a breath of fresh air for being so forthright but he mostly just thought you were hot. 

[Bob Ross]

Jan 23, 2015 15:44:17 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

Jan 23, 2015 15:38:23 GMT -5 Peace Of Mind said:

Phoenix and Justme sittin' in a tree...      Mich and TD did it so why not you guys?  I want to be in the wedding as Matron Of Honor!  I'm closer and can do stuff!    

I'm still laughing at Zib's "No need to tell them you have herpes post" but I do agree with her that you need to take it slow and not lay it all on the line for the first couple of dates.  See if you like each other, see if there is chemistry, and let it play out from there.  But yes please mention the herpes issues and kids before breakfast the next day because that would be a bit awkward. 

On the very first date I went on, I told him everything (the separation, DS, etc.) because I felt basically no chemistry and I hoped it would scare him off. He texted me a few days later asking if I wanted to grab a drink with him! SMH...

Pfft.  All this did was make him classify you as the roofie'n type rather than a keeper.

[zibazinski]

Well, yeah, it's a communicable disease but most people don't jump into bed on their first date, I hope. If you do and you catch the clap, oh, well. But not disclosing this before sex is wrong. I briefly dated a guy who over shared and by the end of date 3, I'd had enough!!!

[Deleted]

I think you have to be honest, that doesn't mean you have to show all your cards at once.

[cktc]

Jan 23, 2015 17:42:38 GMT -5 Sum Dum Gai said:

Presence of kids or sterility should be mentioned pretty early.  Kids are a deal breaker one way or the other for a LOT of people.  I'm not saying you have to let them know on the first date, but waiting several months to spring on somebody that you have a kid at home seems pretty sketchy.

I agree on the existing kids thing, but I think any health issues, including sterility, are more private matters that you shouldn't be required to share with near strangers. Not to advocate dishonesty, just discretion. It's not as though anyone can guarantee perpetually perfect health and fertility anyway so it's not exactly a bait and switch. I'm okay with people saving the more serious discussions for when things start getting serious.

[Formerly SK]

I can't imagine spending 2 hours with somebody (whether a date or not) and not knowing if they have kids or not.  It's such a basic identity thing. 

[Peace Of Mind]

Jan 23, 2015 18:07:45 GMT -5 cktc said:

Jan 23, 2015 17:42:38 GMT -5 Sum Dum Gai said:

Presence of kids or sterility should be mentioned pretty early.  Kids are a deal breaker one way or the other for a LOT of people.  I'm not saying you have to let them know on the first date, but waiting several months to spring on somebody that you have a kid at home seems pretty sketchy.

I agree on the existing kids thing, but I think any health issues, including sterility, are more private matters that you shouldn't be required to share with near strangers. Not to advocate dishonesty, just discretion. It's not as though anyone can guarantee perpetually perfect health and fertility anyway so it's not exactly a bait and switch. I'm okay with people saving the more serious discussions for when things start getting serious.

Nothing would scare a "normal" person off quicker than mentioning having, or not being able to have, kids on a first date or two.  LOL!

[MJ2.0]

Jan 23, 2015 18:08:35 GMT -5 Formerly SK said:

I can't imagine spending 2 hours with somebody (whether a date or not) and not knowing if they have kids or not.  It's such a basic identity thing. 

I don't know - I mean I can go on for a while talking about various topics and interests that have nothing to do with DS.

[justme]

Jan 23, 2015 15:30:16 GMT -5 Phoenix84 said:

For what it's worth Justme, I don't think your criteria are that strict.  Seems pretty basic to me.

Just curious, what age range specifically are you looking for?

I dunno, the ends change but something like 27-37.

[zibazinski]

Jan 23, 2015 18:51:15 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

Jan 23, 2015 18:08:35 GMT -5 Formerly SK said:

I can't imagine spending 2 hours with somebody (whether a date or not) and not knowing if they have kids or not.  It's such a basic identity thing. 

I don't know - I mean I can go on for a while talking about various topics and interests that have nothing to do with DS.

No kidding. People were people before they were parents. Talk about interesting things.

[Formerly SK]

Jan 23, 2015 20:04:51 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Jan 23, 2015 18:51:15 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

I don't know - I mean I can go on for a while talking about various topics and interests that have nothing to do with DS.

No kidding. People were people before they were parents. Talk about interesting things.

I dunno...maybe it's just me.  Sure I could talk about any theoretical things like arts/entertainment/history/politics, but anything having to do with my life is somewhat dominated by the fact I'm a parent of young kids:  restaurants/vacations/what I do on the weekends/hobbies/etc.  I guess I'm also the type to want to learn about a person's life when I'm getting to know someone, not necessarily discuss conceptual things. 

[Phoenix84]

Jan 23, 2015 18:08:35 GMT -5 Formerly SK said:

I can't imagine spending 2 hours with somebody (whether a date or not) and not knowing if they have kids or not.  It's such a basic identity thing. 

*shrugs* I have a number of co workers who I have no idea of their marital status or if they have kids. Unless it comes up naturally, it's not a big deal.

[zibazinski]

Someone who talks about their kids unless asked about them' generally is a bore with no outside interests. I was a person long before I had kids and I'm a person now. I have a lot of interests, travel, history, politics, where to score deals on things, restaurants, funny stories about people and things that have happened. If a potential date spent their whole time or most of it rambling on about their children, there'd not be another date.

[milee]

I'm in the middle on that one.  It's very understandable to have a date or two without talking about kids at all, but if the subject doesn't come up within the first 5-6 dates, that would be odd.  I have a life as an individual in addition to having a life as a mom and would hope anyone I was dating would, too. But being a mom is also an important piece of my life, so it would be very strange to not talk about it at all over the course of a month or so.

[Deleted]

Always figured if someone qualified for the third date that was the time to reveal anything that could be a major deal breaker.

I met DW when I was 17 and she was 19, me being younger was a deal breaker for her. It was cool though, she bought me beer when she turned 21, knew me through my Charlie Sheen years of 21-26 and still married me, now that's full disclosure.

[tloonya]

Jan 23, 2015 14:38:55 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

Jan 23, 2015 14:33:52 GMT -5 tloonya said:

I am allowed to have an attitude, I am MARRIED!!!
Before I got him - I had an attitude of making dinner, wraping it into several newspapers, cover with pillow and comforter so if I am not home and he comes home - he has a hot dinner without having to warm it up.

....



What?!

Its an old Russian thing, if you care about someone you cook and keep it warm like that...don't make yourself crazy about it.

[tloonya]

Jan 23, 2015 14:39:12 GMT -5 swamp said:

I used to not like short guys. DH is 5'6". I'm glad I changed my "dealbreaker." Most days.......

You aren't 5'10" are you?
See, our 'bride' isn't so flexible, she needs to be able to wear heels.
BTW swamp, how do you do about heels? Tell her because she had been
eliminating all of her potential suitors and whining about it...

[tloonya]

Jan 23, 2015 15:10:49 GMT -5 justme said:

Good thing I said I only prefer taller. Geeze Louise! Getting lambasted for the things I say I prefer and what I'm looking for.

Do you want an advise or pet on a head? Suck it up and go cry in a corner because you are
a bad, bad date. You are too choosy and not flexible. And funny about small things. Like height.
And I am sure you are even funnier about small things that aren't height!

[tloonya]

Jan 23, 2015 15:44:17 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

Jan 23, 2015 15:38:23 GMT -5 Peace Of Mind said:

Phoenix and Justme sittin' in a tree...      Mich and TD did it so why not you guys?  I want to be in the wedding as Matron Of Honor!  I'm closer and can do stuff!    

I'm still laughing at Zib's "No need to tell them you have herpes post" but I do agree with her that you need to take it slow and not lay it all on the line for the first couple of dates.  See if you like each other, see if there is chemistry, and let it play out from there.  But yes please mention the herpes issues and kids before breakfast the next day because that would be a bit awkward. 

On the very first date I went on, I told him everything (the separation, DS, etc.) because I felt basically no chemistry and I hoped it would scare him off. He texted me a few days later asking if I wanted to grab a drink with him! SMH...

So have you grabbed him?

[tloonya]

Jan 23, 2015 17:32:06 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Well, yeah, it's a communicable disease but most people don't jump into bed on their first date, I hope. If you do and you catch the clap, oh, well. But not disclosing this before sex is wrong. I briefly dated a guy who over shared and by the end of date 3, I'd had enough!!!

Note to myself: before jumping into bed - check for claps.

[zibazinski]

[swamp]

Jan 24, 2015 10:19:14 GMT -5 tloonya said:

Jan 23, 2015 14:39:12 GMT -5 swamp said:

I used to not like short guys. DH is 5'6". I'm glad I changed my "dealbreaker." Most days.......

You aren't 5'10" are you?
See, our 'bride' isn't so flexible, she needs to be able to wear heels.
BTW swamp, how do you do about heels? Tell her becaiuse she had been
eliminating all of her potential suitors and whining about it...

In 5'4". I'm taller than DH when I wear heels. Neither of us care. I do wear heels when I feellike it . If I dont wear them it's because they hurt my feet.

[tloonya]

Jan 24, 2015 10:50:38 GMT -5 swamp said:

Jan 24, 2015 10:19:14 GMT -5 tloonya said:

You aren't 5'10" are you?
See, our 'bride' isn't so flexible, she needs to be able to wear heels.
BTW swamp, how do you do about heels? Tell her becaiuse she had been
eliminating all of her potential suitors and whining about it...

In 5'4". I'm taller than DH when I wear heels. Neither of us care. I do wear heels when I feellike it . If I dont wear them it's because they hurt my feet.

being 5'4" you had a nerve not to like short guys? were you enjoying looking into taller men nostrils when talking to them?

[MJ2.0]

Lmao at all of Loony's responses!

[justme]

Jan 24, 2015 10:21:56 GMT -5 tloonya said:

Jan 23, 2015 15:10:49 GMT -5 justme said:

Good thing I said I only prefer taller. Geeze Louise! Getting lambasted for the things I say I prefer and what I'm looking for.

Do you want an advise or pet on a head? Suck it up and go cry in a corner because you are
a bad, bad date. You are too choosy and not flexible. And funny about small things. Like height.
And I am sure you are even funnier about small things that aren't height!

That's an interesting dictionary you have where preferable means "I'm totally inflexible stay away cuz I'm a bad bad date".

[Formerly SK]

Jan 24, 2015 9:38:27 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Someone who talks about their kids unless asked about them' generally is a bore with no outside interests. I was a person long before I had kids and I'm a person now. I have a lot of interests, travel, history, politics, where to score deals on things, restaurants, funny stories about people and things that have happened. If a potential date spent their whole time or most of it rambling on about their children, there'd not be another date.

I think that makes total sense as your kids are older and not part of your day to day existence.  But if I'm talking with someone about working out and I say the only time I can do it is 5am, it's because I have family obligations in the evenings.  If I didn't have to help with homework etc, I'd workout in the evening.  It's not that I don't have personal interests, it's that my lifestyle is sort of dominated by the fact I have young children.  I just can't imagine talking with someone for a couple hours where the fact I have kids wouldn't come up in some way.

[Formerly SK]

Jan 24, 2015 1:43:03 GMT -5 Phoenix84 said:

Jan 23, 2015 18:08:35 GMT -5 Formerly SK said:

I can't imagine spending 2 hours with somebody (whether a date or not) and not knowing if they have kids or not.  It's such a basic identity thing. 

*shrugs* I have a number of co workers who I have no idea of their marital status or if they have kids. Unless it comes up naturally, it's not a big deal.

Yeah, but you're probably talking about work.    I can say the same thing about my coworkers. 

I'm talking about meeting a stranger and spending a couple hours with them just chatting and getting to know each other.  Different dynamics.