Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jan 23, 2015 7:04:36 GMT -5
When in a dating scenario, and first getting to know someone, how do you know what, how much, and when to share certain things about yourself?
While in general, I think honesty is the best policy, "real life" can certainly be more gray and nuanced.
Everyone has something about themselves and/or in their past that isn't necessarily flattering. How do you know when and how to share such details? Even if something about yourself isn't necessarily unflattering, some things you want to keep private for longer.
Furthermore, there comes the issue of HOW to tell the truth when you do share something. As I'm sure many of you know, there's the truth and the truth .
I know it's a pretty broad topic, but let me give a couple of examples. How and when do you tell someone about an ongoing medical issue that might not be immediately obvious. What about when that medical issue could be hereditary. What about if you couldn't have children. Or what about telling someone about something bad that happened to you in the past, like divorce, job loss ect. Something that when taken at face value might not paint you in the most flattering light.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jan 23, 2015 7:15:08 GMT -5
I give it some time to even know if the relationship is going to even go beyond casual dating. No one needs to know you have herpes until sex can become an issue. No one needs to know you're sterile until later than that even. Women with kids already may LOVE a man who is sterile. No more bc for them to worry about and if they marry or become a couple, she adds his paycheck to the pot that helps support her kids without worrying about him supporting another family. Win-win! Mental quirks will become apparent soon enough. I'd never lay anything heavy on the first few dates. I don't need to know your sister is gay or your dad's in jail just because we are having coffee.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jan 23, 2015 7:20:54 GMT -5
Some people think honesty means sharing every detail, thought, experience of your life. Being honest with others doesn't necessarily mean they have to know every wart on your behind. I am not dishonest to not disclose every single thing about myself to everyone I meet. There are and should be different levels of personal knowledge and intimacy. Obviously with your spouse, that is the person who knows all the warts on your behind. But, not sharing every detail is not dishonest. And, in a new relationship, you have to get to know one another over time. And, as you do, you will know when the time is right to move that to a deeper level.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Jan 23, 2015 8:36:08 GMT -5
I agree with the PPs. I don't tell people immediately that I have a kid because they probably won't meet him anyway. Those parts of my life are going to remain completely separate until I feel that whoever I'm dating has definite long-term potential.... so like after several months to a year. Now if they asked me right away if I had a kid, I'd say "yes" - but if they didn't, not disclosing it upfront is not lying IMO.
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justme
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Post by justme on Jan 23, 2015 8:42:22 GMT -5
I stopped a while ago trying too hard to put a best foot forward in dating. If I scare the guy off, well good riddance cuz I don't even stop sarcasm for my family!
I have a book of health issues and those just come up when they do. Some have come up on a first date because I'm canceling due to a migraine. Or when I off handedly mention I can't really eat soy. Or they ask what I did that day and I say Dr visit without thinking I just met the guy lol. All my friends know my issues in broad strokes and we joke about them so they'll prob come up once he needs my friends.
With not being able to have children I'd probably say I don't want children if it comes up and wait till you feel comfortable telling with the caveat of that time happening before engagement lol.
ETA There is one thing that few know. I wait until I know the person enough that I trust them, since obviously I don't want everyone knowing. Usually around the time I've decided I want more, but don't want him to make the decision without knowing. Sometimes earlier because it comes up and I don't want to out right lie.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Jan 23, 2015 8:44:32 GMT -5
I agree with the PPs. I don't tell people immediately that I have a kid because they probably won't meet him anyway. Those parts of my life are going to remain completely separate until I feel that whoever I'm dating has definite long-term potential.... so like after several months to a year. Now if they asked me right away if I had a kid, I'd say "yes" - but if they didn't, not disclosing it upfront is not lying IMO. disagree. must mention a kid for other party and you not to waste time if kid is a deal breaker. I say medical condition or anything else should be disclosed at the second date. Because if second happened after the first it means both parties are liking what they had on the first date. So...to not to fall in love and find out that man can't have kids - tell!!! Whatever you feel can be a deal breaker - tell before time wasted and heart invested into relationships.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Jan 23, 2015 8:51:33 GMT -5
People usually list their dealbreakers upfront - at least online. If I saw a profile and they said they wouldn't date anyone with kids, I wouldn't bother contacting them. But if they don't mention it, why should I just put it out there? You usually don't know what people's dealbreakers are until you've talked to them. Surprisingly, none of the guys I've gone out with have cared about me having a kid.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Jan 23, 2015 9:03:23 GMT -5
People usually list their dealbreakers upfront - at least online. If I saw a profile and they said they wouldn't date anyone with kids, I wouldn't bother contacting them. But if they don't mention it, why should I just put it out there? You usually don't know what people's dealbreakers are until you've talked to them. Surprisingly, none of the guys I've gone out with have cared about me having a kid. None of the guys cared is the key words here. Where are they and how long have you gone with them? Sometimes men will like a woman enough to like her child, so they do not put a kid as a deal breaker because depends on a kid (it can be obnoxious rascal or cute and pleasant child)...so there really is no way of knowing sometimes IF this or that is a deal breaker. But if you feel like something IS (could be) - tell!!!
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jan 23, 2015 9:07:39 GMT -5
I think when you know it's serious. I think that depends on the couple, and the purposes of dating. I dated boys and was totally not serious about it. But I wasn't looking for a long term partner. I was looking for fun. Most of the time heavy things simply never came up. Other things did, because you know, fun. Once I did date a boy that lied to me about his drug use. I didn't call him back. Because well, I don't want to be around folks that get arrested. Doesn't matter if what the situation is. Platonic, romantic, serious, a fling. Even with my DH, we dated for fun. I think we know it could serious at the 6 month mark, only because we hadn't broken up yet. We dated 3.5 years before engagement. Probably at the 2.5 year mark, we were having most of the heavy conversations: my fertility issues, family size, money style, religion, etc. I didn't want to get engaged if it wasn't going to work. Now, it would have been nice, at that point, if DH had decided to come clean about his addiction. Because it was fairly clear we were getting engaged/married. But, he chose not to. That almost broke us up, after we were married. Now, BIL and his girlfriend moved pretty quick. But, they were older (33/39), and knew they weren't looking for "fun" from the get go. I think they were both looking for a real relationship. She moved in after they'd been dating for a few months. I met her when they were dating at 6 months, and it was pretty clear the BIL was giving off the "She's the one." signal. Clearly there was much deep sharing happening very early in the relationship if BIL knew his GF was "the one" 6 months into it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 23, 2015 9:09:22 GMT -5
People usually list their dealbreakers upfront - at least online. If I saw a profile and they said they wouldn't date anyone with kids, I wouldn't bother contacting them. But if they don't mention it, why should I just put it out there? You usually don't know what people's dealbreakers are until you've talked to them. Surprisingly, none of the guys I've gone out with have cared about me having a kid. doesn't your profile say you have kids? and there's a difference between toddlers and teenagers. I won't date anyone with young kids so I would like to know in the first online conversation if they have kids and if so, how old.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Jan 23, 2015 9:18:01 GMT -5
where are they? - 4 of them didn't make it to date #2 (for 3 there was no real chemistry upon meeting, the 4th one would have made it to more dates but our schedules and the fact that he travels for work made it pretty much impossible to get together anymore). #5 made it to 2 dates - nice guy but we didn't click on a few levels. Talking to #6 and it's going okay so far. None of them have indicated through their words or actions that me having a kid is an issue. There are definitely some hard and fast dealbreakers for people, but there are also a lot of things that are negotiable depending on how much they like the other person. I can be a neurotic control freak sometimes - should I mention that on day one as well?
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Jan 23, 2015 9:19:41 GMT -5
People usually list their dealbreakers upfront - at least online. If I saw a profile and they said they wouldn't date anyone with kids, I wouldn't bother contacting them. But if they don't mention it, why should I just put it out there? You usually don't know what people's dealbreakers are until you've talked to them. Surprisingly, none of the guys I've gone out with have cared about me having a kid. doesn't your profile say you have kids? and there's a difference between toddlers and teenagers. I won't date anyone with young kids so I would like to know in the first online conversation if they have kids and if so, how old. I'm on two sites - the second one asks if you have kids and I did indicate that I do. I still get TONS of messages and likes, so it must not be a huge issue.
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Jan 23, 2015 9:34:02 GMT -5
I'd wait until a few dates passed before discussing any "deal breakers", but wouldn't wait much longer. Personally, I don't think it's fair to wait until someone is emotionally invested then drop something on them.
DH - not so much so. Apparently he's been in a somewhat serious relationship and when something came up it turned out to be a deal breaker for the other person. Too bad, their loss my gain. He made sure he shared that little bit of information with me on our second date.
It's hard to tell sometimes. What is a deal breaker to one person could honestly not mean anything to another so it's hard to tell.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Jan 23, 2015 9:37:47 GMT -5
I always lasted dealbreakers up front. No smokers, no drugs, no kids and I did not want them.
I went on one date where the guy had a car seat in the back of his car. Had I not seen the car seat, I would have gone out with him again. He didnt think I meant it about HIS kid.
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cktc
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Post by cktc on Jan 23, 2015 10:16:29 GMT -5
I like to get deal breakers out of the way early, probably by 3 dates, then let the rest come up organically as you feel comfortable sharing.
Deal breakers to me are more lifestyle/choice based than situational. So, not wanting kids or sharing a faith should be discussed early if that is important to you, but things like infertility and hereditary diseases I wouldn't classify as deal breakers, that's just life and you find a way to work with the hand you are dealt.
You can also share in stages. So maybe kids comes up, you say you are open to them but might prefer to adopt. Later you might share that you have hereditary issues. Still further along you might discuss the hereditary issues and whatever emotional issues come along with it.
Things like divorce and job loss are not the be-all and end-all of your existence so let that come up naturally. Some people might think it is a HUGE deal, but unless you are still carrying around a ton of baggage, it really isn't.
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justme
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Post by justme on Jan 23, 2015 10:19:17 GMT -5
doesn't your profile say you have kids? and there's a difference between toddlers and teenagers. I won't date anyone with young kids so I would like to know in the first online conversation if they have kids and if so, how old. I'm on two sites - the second one asks if you have kids and I did indicate that I do. I still get TONS of messages and likes, so it must not be a huge issue. I wanna know what sites your getting good success on! Mine have mostly been pointless lately. And by good success I mean dates. The guys aren't following through. I've had one in like three months at least.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Jan 23, 2015 10:24:43 GMT -5
I'm on two sites - the second one asks if you have kids and I did indicate that I do. I still get TONS of messages and likes, so it must not be a huge issue. I wanna know what sites your getting good success on! Mine have mostly been pointless lately. And by good success I mean dates. The guys aren't following through. I've had one in like three months at least. OKC and Tinder (I'm cheap, lol). Now I do get my fair share of perverts/creepers on both, but I've met some decent guys. All but one were on Tinder. I've had a few set stuff up and never follow through, and yeah that's really annoying.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Jan 23, 2015 10:27:54 GMT -5
I wanna know what sites your getting good success on! Mine have mostly been pointless lately. And by good success I mean dates. The guys aren't following through. I've had one in like three months at least. OKC and Tinder (I'm cheap, lol). Now I do get my fair share of perverts/creepers on both, but I've met some decent guys. All but one were on Tinder. I've had a few set stuff up and never follow through, and yeah that's really annoying. No Match.com or Harmony? And how do you determine a pervert? Are they seriously sickos who are typing things?
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justme
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Post by justme on Jan 23, 2015 10:29:03 GMT -5
I wanna know what sites your getting good success on! Mine have mostly been pointless lately. And by good success I mean dates. The guys aren't following through. I've had one in like three months at least. OKC and Tinder (I'm cheap, lol). Now I do get my fair share of perverts/creepers on both, but I've met some decent guys. All but one were on Tinder. I've had a few set stuff up and never follow through, and yeah that's really annoying. Ok. Both I use. Though I have ignored okc for a while because I kept getting babies still in school. Neither my friend nor I got dates from paying for match.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Jan 23, 2015 10:31:42 GMT -5
OKC and Tinder (I'm cheap, lol). Now I do get my fair share of perverts/creepers on both, but I've met some decent guys. All but one were on Tinder. I've had a few set stuff up and never follow through, and yeah that's really annoying. Ok. Both I use. Though I have ignored okc for a while because I kept getting babies still in school. Neither my friend nor I got dates from paying for match. Change your profile. Add something or remove something. Everyone get dates, even strange people. Do something!!!
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justme
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Post by justme on Jan 23, 2015 10:33:30 GMT -5
Well if I went out with everyone that asked me I'd have more dates. There's reasons I don't go out with them.
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Jan 23, 2015 10:38:20 GMT -5
OKC and Tinder (I'm cheap, lol). Now I do get my fair share of perverts/creepers on both, but I've met some decent guys. All but one were on Tinder. I've had a few set stuff up and never follow through, and yeah that's really annoying. Ok. Both I use. Though I have ignored okc for a while because I kept getting babies still in school. Neither my friend nor I got dates from paying for match. lol, yes I get those... and also a few that could be my father! After NCG I'm done with anyone under 28. Baby steps!
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Jan 23, 2015 10:42:48 GMT -5
Well if I went out with everyone that asked me I'd have more dates. There's reasons I don't go out with them. What are you going to do? Be picky until you are not 'datable' because there is no men older than you? OK, tell me what are you looking for in man?
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Jan 23, 2015 10:44:01 GMT -5
Ok. Both I use. Though I have ignored okc for a while because I kept getting babies still in school. Neither my friend nor I got dates from paying for match. lol, yes I get those... and also a few that could be my father! After NCG I'm done with anyone under 28. Baby steps! You can have 28 y/old but don't marry them.
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justme
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Post by justme on Jan 23, 2015 10:45:23 GMT -5
Ok. Both I use. Though I have ignored okc for a while because I kept getting babies still in school. Neither my friend nor I got dates from paying for match. lol, yes I get those... and also a few that could be my father! After NCG I'm done with anyone under 28. Baby steps! My problem is that a month away from 29 and I still regularly get pegged as 24 sometimes younger. So all the stupid 24 year olds don't bother to see my preference is for much older because I'm older.
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justme
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Post by justme on Jan 23, 2015 10:50:58 GMT -5
Well if I went out with everyone that asked me I'd have more dates. There's reasons I don't go out with them. What are you going to do? Be picky until you are not 'datable' because there is no men older than you? OK, tell me what are you looking for in man? Usually someone done with undergrad A man, not a boy (sad how hard that one is to find) A job, preferably a career, with a car and who isn't always lamenting about being broke (and no I don't mean rich men only) Someone I find attractive and is preferably taller than my 5.10 self Someone who shares some intrests of mine I heavily prefer someone on the same shift as me, so no bartender that works every weekend night which is my time off And, finally, someone who actually wants a relationship if things go well
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MJ2.0
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Post by MJ2.0 on Jan 23, 2015 10:52:41 GMT -5
uh oh... is this an opportunity for Loony to play matchmaker??
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jan 23, 2015 10:58:07 GMT -5
What are you going to do? Be picky until you are not 'datable' because there is no men older than you? OK, tell me what are you looking for in man? Usually someone done with undergrad A man, not a boy (sad how hard that one is to find) A job, preferably a career, with a car and who isn't always lamenting about being broke (and no I don't mean rich men only) Someone I find attractive and is preferably taller than my 5.10 self Someone who shares some intrests of mine I heavily prefer someone on the same shift as me, so no bartender that works every weekend night which is my time off And, finally, someone who actually wants a relationship if things go well How you doin' Ok, that was a bad pickup line. I meet all your standards, though I don't know your interests. To bad we're so far apart. Maybe we should start a YM match making service. Money, after all, is a chief concern of long term relationships.
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justme
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Post by justme on Jan 23, 2015 10:59:19 GMT -5
uh oh... is this an opportunity for Loony to play matchmaker?? I live too far away. Makes note to thank God later that I didn't move closer to where Loony is.
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justme
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Post by justme on Jan 23, 2015 11:00:59 GMT -5
Lol! I don't know if there's that many singles on ym.
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