SAHM's vs. Working Mom's

[moneymom]

I am a SAHM currently.  I left work when DD was 3 and have not worked in almost 2 years now.  I plan to go back to work eventually but I am trying to see how long we can make this work.

My close friend is a full time employed mom.  Today we were talking about careers and I mentioned how I now plan to wait to go back to work, until it's financially necessary for us (or when DD is older).  She immediately cut me off and said "you know...this is a conversation I cannot have with you.  I don't have the options you have and it's too hard for me to discuss this".  I feel horrible ...really shitty actually, but at the same time think she went a bit overboard there.  She abruptly ended the call.  WWYD?  Do I apologize for brining up a touchy topic?  Do I just keep my mouth shut at never say anything about being a SAHM?  I'm feeling really bad about this, but again, am a bit disappointed she put me on the spot like this.  

EDIT:  I should add that I do have a small part time job that keeps me busy every now and then, and I help care for older family members, so it's not like my life is all roses, and she knows this.  I even mentioned how sometimes I think working is so much easier than staying at home.  (I think that made her more upset).

[TheHaitian]

[moneymom]

Dec 9, 2014 19:55:08 GMT -5 TheHaitian said:

LOL!  So is this just a thing I'm oblivious to?

[souldoubt]

I don't think you intended to make her feel bad but I can see how the last bit about working being easier than staying at home could be taken the wrong way.  Apologize by telling her you didn't intend to make her feel bad and you're sorry if anything you said didn't sit well with her.  Beyond that just move on.  

For the record I'm a guy so this is probably horrible advice.  I love my girlfriend and her friends and I mean this with the utmost respect to the female posters here but women are crazy and it's never as simple as it could be when women deal with other women.  

[Deleted]

I don't think you could have known, but now that you do, I just wouldn't bring it up. Talk about other things.

[moneymom]

Dec 9, 2014 20:01:51 GMT -5 souldoubt said:

I don't think you intended to make her feel bad but I can see how the last bit about working being easier than staying at home could be taken the wrong way.  Apologize by telling her you didn't intend to make her feel bad and you're sorry if anything you said didn't sit well with her.  Beyond that just move on.  

For the record I'm a guy so this is probably horrible advice.  I love my girlfriend and her friends and I mean this with the utmost respect to the female posters here but women are crazy and it's never as simple as it could be when women deal with other women.  

LOL!!!   I agree with you.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

You're kidding, right? What do you mean you didn't know those statements would not be appreciated?
I don't blame your friend at all. Plus, she was honest with you and ended the conversation before she said something she couldn't take back. 

This thread has got to be a sick joke. 

[moneymom]

I realize now why it's such an issue for her FWIW.  Her DH and her have a much higher income than us and no debt (yes we divulge our finances LOL) yet her DH is much more conservative than mine and would never give her the option to SAH, regardless if they can afford it or not.  

Funny thing is when she was maternity leave and had an extended vacation from work, she was totally miserable at home.  She'd call me every single day saying how awful her days were being "stuck at home with the kids".  Now that she is back at work full time, she is a much happier person.  

I guess I just don't get it.

[Deleted]

He's more conservative and won't let her stay home... 

[Deleted]

I'm sorry, but unless she's the Secretary of State or something, then I do think you know that being a working mother is a stressful and sensitive subject with her.

She actually handled it correctly. She told you that she couldn't talk about this subject with you.

No one in this day and age is oblivious to the conflict between working mothers and stay-at-home mothers. If you are that oblivious, you need to get out more.

And to tell her that you think that staying at home is more stressful You are lucky she is still speaking to you. Most working mothers do most of what you do plus some.

I was practically a stay-at-home mother, by the way.  I worked PT.  I'm not speaking from self-interest.

[moneymom]

Dec 9, 2014 20:05:26 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

You're kidding, right? What do you mean you didn't know those statements would not be appreciated?
I don't blame your friend at all. Plus, she was honest with you and ended the conversation before she said something she couldn't take back. 

This thread has got to be a sick joke. 

??  I was not expecting her to "appreciate" my comments.   I obviously spoke without thinking too much.  Unfortunately this is not a joke.  Apparently I'm a really crappy friend.  

I often try to put myself in other peoples shoes.  I worked crazy hard, often more than time and a half, for over 20 years.  I never once felt resentment towards those who could stay home.  I never thought this would be an issue.  These web boards are opening my eyes more, since this is the first person who ever showed anger to me about the topic.  again, I think I was just oblivious.  I honestly don't intend to hurt feelings here. 

[Deleted]

Well, I could see how it's possible not to realize she really wants to stay home. I was giving the benefit of the doubt. 

I had missed the 'easier to work' comment.

I agree it was the right thing to get off the phone when she did.

[moneymom]

Dec 9, 2014 20:10:52 GMT -5 @southernsusana said:

I'm sorry, but unless she's the Secretary of State or something, then I do think you know that being a working mother is a stressful and sensitive subject with her.

She actually handled it correctly. She told you that she couldn't talk about this subject with you.

No one in this day and age is oblivious to the conflict between working mothers and stay-at-home mothers. If you are that oblivious, you need to get out more.

And to tell her that you think that staying at home is more stressful You are lucky she is still speaking to you. Most working mothers do most of what you do plus some.

I was practically a stay-at-home mother, by the way.  I worked PT.  I'm not speaking from self-interest.

Not true.  I left my job to take care of my dying father.  I spent almost 24/7 caring for him.  You cannot compare that to anything.  Now I'm assisting my disabled uncle and my SIL who is going blind.  I did all this while being a foster parent and taking care of infants/toddlers.  Being a SAHM is not always puppies and rainbows. 

[Deleted]

I agree. I would never tell my working friends they have it easier however. 

Know your audience at least. 

[Deleted]

Some women are really sensitive in this area.  Best to never go there! 

Except for the last line that was really asking for trouble, I don't think you said anything horrible, but it's not much of a trigger topic for me.

[moneymom]

Thanks guys. I am going to apologize to her and I realize now that it is a topic I should not discuss.

[Peace Of Mind]

Today you should NEVER discuss anything that pertains to you.  It's always about them and their issues.    JFC!  No wonder people prefer being on the computer than with the overly sensitive overly pc correct mental cases in the world.

Fight me on this all you want but it's the truth.  

mm - You did nothing wrong but if you value the friendship then tell her what she wants to hear.  

[souldoubt]

I won't fight with you because I agree but please don't tell anyone else I don't want to get in trouble.  

Too many people these days just want someone to vent to rather than someone to talk with.  I'm absolutely horrible in those situations because I don't keep my mouth shut.  

[Peace Of Mind]

Dec 9, 2014 20:25:09 GMT -5 souldoubt said:

I won't fight with you because I agree but please don't tell anyone else I don't want to get in trouble.  

Too many people these days just want someone to vent to rather than someone to talk with.  I'm absolutely horrible in those situations because I don't keep my mouth shut.  

LOL!  I want her number so I can call and tell her how I don't have to work and I don't have any kids to see if her head will explode.  Then I'll tell her that my DH is a Republican and is on board 100%.    The OP will look like a saint after my conversation with her.  I'll also suggest that she grow up and realize not everything is about her situation and sucky marriage.   Then I'll end it with MERRY CHRISTMAS! instead of happy holidays. 

ETA for Oped:  MC and HH was about also being pc correct as stated in my other post. 

[Deleted]

Well, honestly, to me it would be like if I mentioned there is no way I'm ever having another kid... And then found out my friend had been trying a long time and can't get pregnant and was upset. I wasn't wrong to say it, but I'd wish I hadn't upset her and would be more careful from then on. 

Besides the 'working is easier' comment, I think mm probably didn't realize her friend really wants to stay home. 

However, I don't think friend has to 'grow up' either. I don't find her reaction inappropriate as described. 

Its a 2 way street, not everything is about Mm either...

Not sure what MC or HH has to do with it..

[Peace Of Mind]

If a friend can't have a conversation about her own life without you thinking it's all about you then you need to grow up.  Or get help mentally for being a narcissist. 

If the friend had just lost a baby, and you know that, you obviously wouldn't say anything to upset them.  There is no way to know what every person's issue is unless they tell you.  If you are so upset about your situation then discuss it.  But it doesn't mean the other person can't have their own situations that they want to discuss or their own feelings about said topic.  That's bullshit!

[Lizard Queen]

Friendship is a 2-way street.  You should be able to discuss your own concerns as well as listening to your friends.  Obviously, once you find out something is upsetting, you'll tread lightly, but it's not your fault that she is upset. 
 maybe that's why I don't have too many friends. 

[whoisjohngalt]

Dec 9, 2014 20:05:26 GMT -5 Knee Deep in Water Chloe said:

You're kidding, right? What do you mean you didn't know those statements would not be appreciated?
I don't blame your friend at all. Plus, she was honest with you and ended the conversation before she said something she couldn't take back. 

This thread has got to be a sick joke. 

Are you serious or being sarcastic?

Bc if you are serious, I can't imagine being so guarded with my close friends that I had to watch every word.

I did offend a friend once, but I was trying to be funny and it came out offensive.  She told me she didn't appreciated it and we moved on.

OP - I don't think you have anything to apologize for

[moneyminded]

OMG! Are you freaking kidding me? Everyone is so damn sensitive these days.  If she were a true friend she would have said she was happy that you are able to stay home. Like another poster said, it was all about her. I mean really?  Ohhhh...wouldn't want to upset her and hurt her feelings. She made her choices, you made yours. She needs to get over it.  I'm sick to death of hearing about people having to walk on egg shells so as to not "offend" anyone. Wahhh!  Whatever... Freaking "me" society. Ugh!  Don't apologize.  It's not you. It's her.

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

Dec 9, 2014 20:46:55 GMT -5 Peace Of Mind said:

If a friend can't have a conversation about her own life without you thinking it's all about you then you need to grow up.  Or get help mentally for being a narcissist. 

If the friend had just lost a baby, and you know that, you obviously wouldn't say anything to upset them.  There is no way to know what every person's issue is unless they tell you.  If you are so upset about your situation then discuss it.  But it doesn't mean the other person can't have their own situations that they want to discuss or their own feelings about said topic.  That's bullshit!

OMG!  Get out of my head, Peace Of Mind 

Will you be my new BFF? 

Seriously, sometimes I think I am missing the "girl" gene because I just don't understand how some women relate/communicate/talk with each other and I have fairly strong social skills otherwise.

Friendship is a give and take.  *I* get to bitch today and you offer support.  *You* get to bitch tomorrow, and I will return the support you offered today.  None of our bitching is a personal attack on the other.  (Unless it is, LOL.)

How hard can that be

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

Dec 9, 2014 20:54:55 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

Friendship is a 2-way street.  You should be able to discuss your own concerns as well as listening to your friends.  Obviously, once you find out something is upsetting, you'll tread lightly, but it's not your fault that she is upset. 
 maybe that's why I don't have too many friends. 

Lizard Queen:  will you be my other new BFF?   

[Abby Normal]

Yes, you should be able to talk about your life without her getting offended, but maybe there is more going on with her than you realize.  But you screwed the pooch with the working is easier comment.  They both are hard - just in different ways.

Call her - apologize for bringing up something that upset her (what you did caused her to react, so regardless of whether she was right to, you should apologize). You could say that you didn't realize she had wanted to be a SAHM based on prior conversations.  Then try to get her to open up because I'm guessing there is way more going on in her life.

[Cookies Galore]

Without knowing any information regarding your friend's life, I see absolutely nothing wrong with what you said. I've read your OP many times and I can't figure out what's wrong.

[giramomma]

Being a parent is hard work. It doesn't matter if you SAH or work.

There are advantages and disadvantages to any choice we make.  Some of us are fine with our choices, and other feel that they must defend their choices, even when it isn't needed.

I would smooth things over, and not talk about it again.

When I need validation, I need my DH to agree with me and nod his freaking head. If his idea of comforting me was telling me in essence to buck up because I have it easy as the working parent, he'd be welcome to sleep on the couch.

At the same time, when my DH wants validation, I have to remember it's not an invitation for me to try to start a pissing contest with him.

I'm really shocked, as a mother, though, that you weren't aware of all of the mommy guilt entwined with the SAH/WOH/WAH debates. 

[Lizard Queen]

Dec 9, 2014 20:15:56 GMT -5 moneymom said:

Dec 9, 2014 20:10:52 GMT -5 @southernsusana said:

I'm sorry, but unless she's the Secretary of State or something, then I do think you know that being a working mother is a stressful and sensitive subject with her.

She actually handled it correctly. She told you that she couldn't talk about this subject with you.

No one in this day and age is oblivious to the conflict between working mothers and stay-at-home mothers. If you are that oblivious, you need to get out more.

And to tell her that you think that staying at home is more stressful You are lucky she is still speaking to you. Most working mothers do most of what you do plus some.

I was practically a stay-at-home mother, by the way.  I worked PT.  I'm not speaking from self-interest.

Not true.  I left my job to take care of my dying father.  I spent almost 24/7 caring for him.  You cannot compare that to anything.  Now I'm assisting my disabled uncle and my SIL who is going blind.  I did all this while being a foster parent and taking care of infants/toddlers.  Being a SAHM is not always puppies and rainbows. 

I'm taking care of my mom 7 days a week. Fortunately, it's only a couple of hours most days (though occasionally it's most of the day).  My DH was taken aback when I said that I would gladly change spots with him if I could, despite the long hours he's been working.  Caretaking is a huge job, that is unpaid, incredibly stressful and underappreciated (in general).  I've done the working mom thing, and it was hard as hell.  This is hard in a different way.  Harder for me because I don't deal well with medical stuff.

ETA: for example, I have to take my mom to get shots in her eyeballs every 5 weeks. You know what my worst freaking nightmare is? Getting shots in my eyeballs!  I've always been squeamish about eyes--no contacts for me.