Pants
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Post by Pants on Dec 10, 2014 10:42:23 GMT -5
I'm really not sure how you got to be an adult in the US, and ESPECIALLY a parent, without being aware that the SAH vs. WOH dynamic can be intense. Also, telling ANY friend you think they have it easier than you is not helpful in the majority of situations. Everyone has their own shit, and the grass always looks greener.
I think there are two primary things at play when we, as a society, discuss this issue.
First is the idea of options. Not everyone has the same options, or the tradeoffs for those options make them practically untenable. When you see others who have options you don't have, this can be hard to deal with, whether you actually would choose those options or not. We like to pretend that every parent can make the choice to stay home or work, when obviously that's not true. Some people are stuck at home because they can't afford daycare, even if they would rather be working. Some people have to work because their families depend on their income, even if they would rather be home with the kids. I think in those situations it's easy to feel resentment because you don't have the option to choose another path because the price is too high.
Second is female-specific, and its the amount of pressure women in particular still feel around raising children, keeping the house, etc., and how much judgement they get when they aren't conforming to how someone else thinks they should be behaving. This is true for both WOH and SAH women. There are comments from others that may be well-intentioned, or may be passive-aggressive "Bless your heart" bullshit. Either way, the pressure is on women that whatever path they have ended up on, it's not the correct one. Examples: To a SAHM: "I like working because I'm providing my daughters with a positive role model for when they grow up." "Oh, it must be so nice not to have anything to do all day." "I think staying home is easier because..."
To a WOHM: "Oh, how do you do it, I just can't imagine leaving my kids all day I would miss them too much!" "Oh, I know you can't take the kids to the museum because you work, but I just think it's so important." "I think working is easier because..."
Women start to think they have to constantly justify their choice, which ends up making them feel like they can't change their mind because now they've staked out a position. The whole thing is nonsense, and it sucks.
For those who don't know, I'm a working mom, and I don't super have an option about that as I'm our primary breadwinner, but it doesn't bother me most of the time because it's the option I'd choose regardless. That said, those little comments do get to me when my SILs or MIL say them, because the message behind them is always "You are failing your children/family/responsibilities." I disagree, but I don't love people telling me I'm a failure...
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skubikky
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Post by skubikky on Dec 10, 2014 11:10:19 GMT -5
Women start to think they have to constantly justify their choice, which ends up making them feel like they can't change their mind because now they've staked out a position. The whole thing is nonsense, and it sucks. Not all women. I've never justified my choices to anyone. And, I suspect that not all women feel the need to do that. This isn't an issue of WOH vs SAHM. It's an issue of self-esteem. Nobody "makes" you feel anything. That's your response. WTF would you get into a discussion that constructs a defense of your personal and private choices? It's pointless. I suspect that the reason for entering into that is due to the need to be reassured. And the need for reassurance would then apply to anything that you do. People vary in how much confidence they have.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Dec 10, 2014 11:14:58 GMT -5
I have a query for the "oh this too PC comments" Based on the op, friend didn't say not ok to have this discussion, she said I can't talk about this with you. Are we suppose to listen to everything anybody wants to say? And never end the conversation we don't want to have? I'd be curious to find out how long before that friend calls back or how does she speak to OP if OP calls her. Bc hanging up the phone abruptly to me means a lot more than "I don't want to talk about it". To me it says "I can not believe you just said that and I am hurt and pissed"
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Dec 10, 2014 11:15:34 GMT -5
For those who don't know, I'm a working mom, and I don't super have an option about that as I'm our primary breadwinner, but it doesn't bother me most of the time because it's the option I'd choose regardless. That said, those little comments do get to me when my SILs or MIL say them, because the message behind them is always "You are failing your children/family/responsibilities." I disagree, but I don't love people telling me I'm a failure... This is my issue exactly (although I'd stay home if I could or at least be in a low stress job). Dh's cousin wanted to talk about how terrible the maternity leave in this country is and while I know she was trying to be supportive all I heard was how awful it must be to *have* to abandon my children everyday for my job.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Dec 10, 2014 11:28:14 GMT -5
To me it says "I can not believe you just said that and I am hurt and pissed"
I wouldn't abruptly hang up, but I'd be finding a reason to get off the phone if I told my friend to drop a subject it's pissing me off and yet she kept going. It'd be clear she didn't listen to a word I just said. If she can't listen then maybe ending the phone call all together will make her get the message.
I wouldn't want to end up in a disagreement because if she keeps going I'd probably say something I am going to regret. Better to hang up "in a snit" and talk again after some time has passed. I'll have cooled off and hopefully she'll have clued into the fact that's a touchy subject leave it alone.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Dec 10, 2014 11:34:34 GMT -5
Women start to think they have to constantly justify their choice, which ends up making them feel like they can't change their mind because now they've staked out a position. The whole thing is nonsense, and it sucks. Not all women. I've never justified my choices to anyone.
And, I suspect that not all women feel the need to do that. This isn't an issue of WOH vs SAHM. It's an issue of self-esteem. Nobody "makes" you feel anything. That's your response. WTF would you get into a discussion that constructs a defense of your personal and private choices? It's pointless. I suspect that the reason for entering into that is due to the need to be reassured. And the need for reassurance would then apply to anything that you do. People vary in how much confidence they have. Well skippedy-do for you? ETA: The unintentional irony inherent in this whole post is staggering.
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Dec 10, 2014 11:35:30 GMT -5
Along with financial responsibilities, SOMETIMES one's choice to be a working parent or a SAHP is based upon one's individual personality.
My sister is an admitted Type A hyperactive goal-getter. She would shrivel staying at home. I am not a slacker, but don't feel the need nor have the psychic and physical energy to do it all at one time the way my sister does. Both personalities and both respective choices are good and legitimate. Neither is necessarily better than the other. They are just different. (One motto my DH and kids and I live by is that "different" doesn't infer a good or bad value -- it just means "different".).
So, since life is hard enough at times, why not just cut each other some slack and make room in our perspectives for different choices and respect them all? And by respect, I mean let us share the good and the bad and the ugly about a situation with each other without making it a judgement about different choices. Sometimes, it's just a conversation. When one turns a conversation about a different choice into a personal attack upon one's self, both the choice and the person making that choice are being disrespected and judged, NOT the other way around.
JMHO. YMMV.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Dec 10, 2014 11:47:16 GMT -5
He'll, I'm not a parent, have never been a parent. I don't have a horse in this race and I know to avoid topics like this like Ebola!
Any comparison between SAHM and WM is only going to result in someone getting pissed off, regardless of which horse you have in the race.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Dec 10, 2014 12:20:18 GMT -5
When did everyone get so sensitive and angry?
My SIL is not only a SAHM, she's an ardent, loudly vocal supporter of the idea that not only should women stay home with their kids, but there should be a law that every woman married to a guy who can support her and her family must stay home with the kids.
On the other hand, I've always worked outside the home.
SIL often starts pontificating about all the horrible things that happen when women work when we get together for family events. Then she usually remembers I've never been a SAHM, and she'll look my direction and add 'not in your case, of course.'
Do I get mad? Nope. She's entitled to believe what she believes. She isn't trying to be offensive towards me. She has a wide array of things that are going to cause the destruction of the human race (Obama, raising the minimum wage, dark anti-Christian forces aligning against us) that she tends to rant about. She honestly thinks her view of how the world works is the best. I respect her enthusiasm, even if I don't agree with what she says. I would never in a million years jump up and stomp off from a family event because she was saying these kinds of things. This is just how she is.
Life is too short to get annoyed at crap like this. Get annoyed at stuff that really matters. Give your friends some slack when they accidentally make a faux pas that hurts your feelings.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Dec 10, 2014 12:27:24 GMT -5
I have a query for the "oh this too PC comments" Based on the op, friend didn't say not ok to have this discussion, she said I can't talk about this with you. Are we suppose to listen to everything anybody wants to say? And never end the conversation we don't want to have? That was in general and not just about the OP when I said that. And the ETA about her having it easier wasn't there when I was typing or I just didn't see it when I commented. Like Zib (and others) have said - I've done it all ways. I was a full time working step parent who took care of everything. I was a SAHSP who took care of everything (I was in my 20's and that only lasted 3? months as I was going crazy and missed working). I've worked full time with no kids at all who took care of everything except the shopping and then I quit working completely and do everything but the shopping and errands. The last one is by far the easiest and best way for me. I'm the type of friend who will listen to a person vent even if I don't agree with anything they are venting about. I would appreciate the same from them and I am always happy when they get something or can do something they want to do. I never resent them but I will joke "I'm so jealous!" but I rarely am ever jealous of them because it's usually something I don't really want. But I have rich friends who no matter what I could not have their life. I don't want it because I don't care about having a huge house or traveling but if I did I could not have that. I'm ok with that. They still complain and have problems so I listen. And I would never shut them down like the OP's friend did. That is rude IMO to shut a friend down when they are confiding in me or venting about something unless they are just droning on and on repeating themselves. Our group of friends are every combo you can think of including a working single mom with a special needs child (divorced) and I've never heard anybody complain about the other over it. Maybe they do it amongst themselves because I'm not a parent but that is never an issue that has come up in our group. We only complain when somebody is an ass or bitch. ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/grin.png)
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Dec 10, 2014 12:58:35 GMT -5
When did everyone get so sensitive and angry? My SIL is not only a SAHM, she's an ardent, loudly vocal supporter of the idea that not only should women stay home with their kids, but there should be a law that every woman married to a guy who can support her and her family must stay home with the kids. On the other hand, I've always worked outside the home. SIL often starts pontificating about all the horrible things that happen when women work when we get together for family events. Then she usually remembers I've never been a SAHM, and she'll look my direction and add 'not in your case, of course.' Do I get mad? Nope. She's entitled to believe what she believes. She isn't trying to be offensive towards me. She has a wide array of things that are going to cause the destruction of the human race (Obama, raising the minimum wage, dark anti-Christian forces aligning against us) that she tends to rant about. She honestly thinks her view of how the world works is the best. I respect her enthusiasm, even if I don't agree with what she says. I would never in a million years jump up and stomp off from a family event because she was saying these kinds of things. This is just how she is. Life is too short to get annoyed at crap like this. Get annoyed at stuff that really matters. Give your friends some slack when they accidentally make a faux pas that hurts your feelings. Maybe you should get mad, since she is obviously a crazy person. And there's a difference between being annoyed and jumping up and stomping off. However, I do believe that the walkout is a powerful tool when you disagree with relatives. I use it sparingly, but I do walk out of conversations I don't want to hear. It sends the message that I either don't agree or don't want to talk about the subject, but without having to yell over someone. I've used this on racist relatives, homophobic relatives, and relatives with whom I politically disagree who were trying to have the 6th fight about politics in 2 days. I don't go away mad, I just go to another room and find something else to do.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Dec 10, 2014 13:02:51 GMT -5
Give your friends some slack when they accidentally make a faux pas that hurts your feelings.
And maybe take into consideration the friend that had her feelings hurt might have had a bad day or is facing something not related to the conversation but for whatever reason the comment was the straw that broke the camels back.
Is nobody allowed to have an off day? Maybe ask if something is up after an uncharacteristic blow up rather than writing her off as being overly dramatic and needing to get over herself?
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moneymom
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Post by moneymom on Dec 10, 2014 13:40:05 GMT -5
I wonder if friend's husband, being conservative, still expects this friend to do all the housework and childrearing on her own even though she's working? That would make me cry... yes. this is the case. However my friend gets summers off of work and she has been acting truly miserable throughout those summers. Her kids are very difficult for her to handle and she would call me in tears all the time. She is in a career she loves. Quite honestly I think her issue is she wants to be a SAHM with her kids in childcare LOL. I was caught so off guard only because I know how unhappy she was when she was/is home for extended periods with her children. She even talked about getting help (doctors) at one point. Anywho, I realize this is just a topic I shall never bring up. She has shown disinterest in my future career plans and I think it all relates to me being able to stay at home right now. She is also a bit irrational about me volunteering so much. She doesn't get that I enjoy it and want to help others. In her mind, you only do work to get paid. She constantly tells me that if I'm going to volunteer so many hours, I should be looking for a job instead to contribute financially to the family. So this is definitely a topic we should BOTH leave alone.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Dec 10, 2014 13:41:59 GMT -5
I wonder if friend's husband, being conservative, still expects this friend to do all the housework and childrearing on her own even though she's working? That would make me cry... She constantly tells me that if I'm going to volunteer so many hours, I should be looking for a job instead to contribute financially to the family. So this is definitely a topic we should BOTH leave alone. I agree with her on that one.
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moneymom
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Post by moneymom on Dec 10, 2014 13:45:39 GMT -5
I have a query for the "oh this too PC comments" Based on the op, friend didn't say not ok to have this discussion, she said I can't talk about this with you. Are we suppose to listen to everything anybody wants to say? And never end the conversation we don't want to have? I'd be curious to find out how long before that friend calls back or how does she speak to OP if OP calls her. Bc hanging up the phone abruptly to me means a lot more than "I don't want to talk about it". To me it says "I can not believe you just said that and I am hurt and pissed" I'm lucky LOL. She called me back last night and acted totally normal. So I decided not to bring it up and apologize and instead just make sure I filter my conversations. However, even though things are good now, I'm positive it really really bothered her obviously from what's stated above.
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moneymom
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Post by moneymom on Dec 10, 2014 13:55:26 GMT -5
She constantly tells me that if I'm going to volunteer so many hours, I should be looking for a job instead to contribute financially to the family. So this is definitely a topic we should BOTH leave alone. I agree with her on that one. I've set myself up in a good position that I have income from investments and my income last year (very little employment) was the same as the year prior (working). I see no reason I cannot enjoy volunteering in areas I have a passion for rather than working just to up our income even more. I don't want a rich lifestyle. I want a happy one. My friend has much more money than we do ... because they love elaborate vacations and saving enormous amounts of money. DH and I just have a different lifestyle. I would run out and get a job immediately if my family needed more income to survive and/or DH wanted to quit his job or work less. And FWIW, we have it planned that DH is retiring early and I will be working full-time then, since the kids will be out of the house. We are happy with this situation and worked really hard to get here.
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moneymom
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Post by moneymom on Dec 10, 2014 14:48:33 GMT -5
yes. this is the case. However my friend gets summers off of work and she has been acting truly miserable throughout those summers. Her kids are very difficult for her to handle and she would call me in tears all the time. She is in a career she loves. Quite honestly I think her issue is she wants to be a SAHM with her kids in childcare LOL. I was caught so off guard only because I know how unhappy she was when she was/is home for extended periods with her children. She even talked about getting help (doctors) at one point. Anywho, I realize this is just a topic I shall never bring up. She has shown disinterest in my future career plans and I think it all relates to me being able to stay at home right now. She is also a bit irrational about me volunteering so much. She doesn't get that I enjoy it and want to help others. In her mind, you only do work to get paid. She constantly tells me that if I'm going to volunteer so many hours, I should be looking for a job instead to contribute financially to the family. So this is definitely a topic we should BOTH leave alone. How much time can you spend talking about a future career that you aren't engaging in? Isn't that like 1-2 sentences? When Polly is in 4th grade, I think I'm going to go back and finish my medical training. I'll may need to retake a few bio/chem classes so I have some current references and then I'll apply to medical school. how far can this convo go, if you aren't, well, doing it? And - how many times has this been a conversation? I'm wondering if the conversation is all about - I'm going to pick up my career in field X and you talk and talk and she thinks she is helping and couching and then - oh - I think maybe in a few years I'll do that. You know when Polly is 10. I don't need to work for financial reasons at the moment, so, I'm going to stay at home for another 3 or 4 years. Consider if you have just worn out her interest in whatever you may be doing at some point in the future. And if you are changing the career, or changing the timeline, I'm not sure how much interest someone else can put into that. She may have felt that she has counseled you on 3-4 proposed careers/re-entry into the work force but then it is always years out and changing and all talk and no action. Her career is in the same industry. And currently one of my big volunteer positions is within the organization that I plan to apply to (and have a very good chance of getting in). So when she brings up her job and even people within in (whom I know), it tends to be a more lengthy conversation since it's all mutual people, etc. However I think she prefers to not discuss it anymore (by showing lack of interest at my end) because she is really irritated that I'd continue to "work" aka volunteer for free. One of the reasons I volunteer for the organization is because I plan to be employed there in the future, but right now I enjoy being able to pick my schedule and not have to deal with a full paying real position, which would be a whole different dynamic. This friend and I have been very close for decades. We talk every single day, sometimes several times. I'm sure if you guys could hear a bit of our conversations, you would be board as hell LOL.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Dec 10, 2014 14:52:03 GMT -5
When did everyone get so sensitive and angry? My SIL is not only a SAHM, she's an ardent, loudly vocal supporter of the idea that not only should women stay home with their kids, but there should be a law that every woman married to a guy who can support her and her family must stay home with the kids. On the other hand, I've always worked outside the home. SIL often starts pontificating about all the horrible things that happen when women work when we get together for family events. Then she usually remembers I've never been a SAHM, and she'll look my direction and add 'not in your case, of course.' Do I get mad? Nope. She's entitled to believe what she believes. She isn't trying to be offensive towards me. She has a wide array of things that are going to cause the destruction of the human race (Obama, raising the minimum wage, dark anti-Christian forces aligning against us) that she tends to rant about. She honestly thinks her view of how the world works is the best. I respect her enthusiasm, even if I don't agree with what she says. I would never in a million years jump up and stomp off from a family event because she was saying these kinds of things. This is just how she is. Life is too short to get annoyed at crap like this. Get annoyed at stuff that really matters. Give your friends some slack when they accidentally make a faux pas that hurts your feelings. Maybe you should get mad, since she is obviously a crazy person. And there's a difference between being annoyed and jumping up and stomping off. However, I do believe that the walkout is a powerful tool when you disagree with relatives. I use it sparingly, but I do walk out of conversations I don't want to hear. It sends the message that I either don't agree or don't want to talk about the subject, but without having to yell over someone. I've used this on racist relatives, homophobic relatives, and relatives with whom I politically disagree who were trying to have the 6th fight about politics in 2 days. I don't go away mad, I just go to another room and find something else to do. I've mastered the art of looking blank and failing to respond to her comments. She'll usually go off on her soap box for a while, until she realizes that multiple people have tuned her out, and then she'll stop and the rest of us change the subject. She's really a nice person, very caring and Christian, she just has a few hot topics she can get off into a rant on - her mom, my MIL, is exactly the same way, so I know where she got it from, but there's always plenty of wine to help me tune her out ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/wink.png) Family. Can't agree with them and can't kill them, just have to tolerate them.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Dec 10, 2014 14:53:52 GMT -5
Maybe you should get mad, since she is obviously a crazy person. And there's a difference between being annoyed and jumping up and stomping off. However, I do believe that the walkout is a powerful tool when you disagree with relatives. I use it sparingly, but I do walk out of conversations I don't want to hear. It sends the message that I either don't agree or don't want to talk about the subject, but without having to yell over someone. I've used this on racist relatives, homophobic relatives, and relatives with whom I politically disagree who were trying to have the 6th fight about politics in 2 days. I don't go away mad, I just go to another room and find something else to do. I've mastered the art of looking blank and failing to respond to her comments. She'll usually go off on her soap box for a while, until she realizes that multiple people have tuned her out, and then she'll stop and the rest of us change the subject. She's really a nice person, very caring and Christian, she just has a few hot topics she can get off into a rant on - her mom, my MIL, is exactly the same way, so I know where she got it from, but there's always plenty of wine to help me tune her out ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/wink.png) Family. Can't agree with them and can't kill them, just have to tolerate them. Yeah, I have to go wineless this year at both family's christmas events. Stupid fetus.
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skubikky
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Post by skubikky on Dec 10, 2014 14:55:59 GMT -5
Not all women. I've never justified my choices to anyone.
And, I suspect that not all women feel the need to do that. This isn't an issue of WOH vs SAHM. It's an issue of self-esteem. Nobody "makes" you feel anything. That's your response. WTF would you get into a discussion that constructs a defense of your personal and private choices? It's pointless. I suspect that the reason for entering into that is due to the need to be reassured. And the need for reassurance would then apply to anything that you do. People vary in how much confidence they have. Well skippedy-do for you? ETA: The unintentional irony inherent in this whole post is staggering. Hit a nerve huh?
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Dec 10, 2014 14:56:06 GMT -5
I've been both. Usually when doing one, I thought the other was easier. ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/wink.png) ![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/yeahthat.gif)
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Dec 10, 2014 15:17:06 GMT -5
I agree with her on that one. I've set myself up in a good position that I have income from investments and my income last year (very little employment) was the same as the year prior (working). I see no reason I cannot enjoy volunteering in areas I have a passion for rather than working just to up our income even more. I don't want a rich lifestyle. I want a happy one. My friend has much more money than we do ... because they love elaborate vacations and saving enormous amounts of money. DH and I just have a different lifestyle. I would run out and get a job immediately if my family needed more income to survive and/or DH wanted to quit his job or work less. And FWIW, we have it planned that DH is retiring early and I will be working full-time then, since the kids will be out of the house. We are happy with this situation and worked really hard to get here. Armchair therapist here (warning-you get what you pay for) but I am afraid that this may happen more often in the future. Friend is not reacting to the SAHP/WP issue but to the fact that you and DH have found a way to be happy with your life as a couple (from a financial POV) and she and her DH have not. For example if you drive around in a beater that she finds embarring, she may come with the "contribute financially" argument. If you were to replace said beater with a car that she would love to have (brand/style/whatever) she won't be able to talk with you about that. The fact that she called you and did not mention the earlier non-conversation at least in my opinion means that she knows she went overboard. Since she is a good friend I would just carry on and ignore what happened, but I would be a little leery about sharing as much with her as I did before. JMO
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milee
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Post by milee on Dec 10, 2014 15:28:59 GMT -5
And, that of the two of us, I'm the evil twin... ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/wink.png) The evil twin always has more fun.
![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/party.gif)
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Dec 10, 2014 17:10:09 GMT -5
Along with financial responsibilities, SOMETIMES one's choice to be a working parent or a SAHP is based upon one's individual personality. Very true. I don't have the personality to stay home full time. While I can see how saying 'working is easier' could be offensive to who works, personally I would agree 100%. I am actually surprised how many on here jumped on to say working is harder or you must be low-income slacker if you think it is easier.
I find it easier. I don't have to play referee, walk around picking toys up off the floor, cook, do dishes, do art projects or come up with engaging activities when I'm at work. I get to interact with other adults & sit at my desk & do stuff I'm good at. Doesn't mean I never want to see my kids, but there are Sunday afternoons that I am thankful the next day I have work. And personally I don't think being a civil engineer for a consulting firm means I am a low-income slacker, but YMMV.
I also expect that as ages change, my feelings may change. My oldest are at the age where they fight over everything. It also depends on # of kids home at a given time. If I am one-on-one, it tends to be a lot more fun & easier because less refereeing. But, all 3 at their current ages, hell yeah work is easier.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Dec 10, 2014 18:49:46 GMT -5
I've been both a SAHM mom and a working mom and I have never felt that working was easier...ever. I don't get that comment. Maybe when you are dealing with infants but even then I so loved being home with my babies.
Honestly, if a SAHM told me that working was easier I would just assume she has always had a low-level job where she was never under tight deadlines, never worked a ton of hours and never had an entire department (or more) reporting to her. In my case, staying home was SO much easier and so worth it for the period of time I did it.
This is why I often think to myself that if I had to work right now, while also having to take care of the house and the kids, let's just say.....there would be a bed in a mental institution calling my name. But I've been told you are not allowed to say that either - comments like "I don't know how you do it" and "I could have never done that" have been known to be offensive as well. So, as hard as it is for me - I try to keep my mouth shut on....well, pretty much anything now days. Bc people seem to be offended by EVERYTHING Meh, some people are too sensitive.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Dec 10, 2014 19:05:40 GMT -5
Along with financial responsibilities, SOMETIMES one's choice to be a working parent or a SAHP is based upon one's individual personality. Very true. I don't have the personality to stay home full time. While I can see how saying 'working is easier' could be offensive to who works, personally I would agree 100%. I am actually surprised how many on here jumped on to say working is harder or you must be low-income slacker if you think it is easier.
I find it easier. I don't have to play referee, walk around picking toys up off the floor, cook, do dishes, do art projects or come up with engaging activities when I'm at work. I get to interact with other adults & sit at my desk & do stuff I'm good at. Doesn't mean I never want to see my kids, but there are Sunday afternoons that I am thankful the next day I have work. And personally I don't think being a civil engineer for a consulting firm means I am a low-income slacker, but YMMV.
I also expect that as ages change, my feelings may change. My oldest are at the age where they fight over everything. It also depends on # of kids home at a given time. If I am one-on-one, it tends to be a lot more fun & easier because less refereeing. But, all 3 at their current ages, hell yeah work is easier.
We will have to agree to disagree. While my kids might get on my nerves, I would much rather be with them than working 10-12 hours a day or more.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Dec 10, 2014 19:10:20 GMT -5
He'll, I'm not a parent, have never been a parent. I don't have a horse in this race and I know to avoid topics like this like Ebola! Any comparison between SAHM and WM is only going to result in someone getting pissed off, regardless of which horse you have in the race. Very true. I have very few friends in life that stay home and one admits that she has a very cushy life (she has t worked in 17 years) but I just shake my head and nod when they talk about how hard they have it. Or when my friend who gets out of work at 2:30 complains that she has no free time. I think it is all about perspective. She has a lot more free time than me but not as much as she wants so to her it isn't enough. But I'm not rude enough to tell her that...I just laugh inside :-p
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Dec 10, 2014 19:27:07 GMT -5
Again, (and I know I deserve to be kicked upside the head by some of you peeps), DD was an extremely easy kid. I would have been bored out of my mind if I stayed home with her because she was excellent at keeping herself amused. I had one brief period of working mom guilt when she was about 2yo. I took two weeks off together to spend time with her on a full time basis. I was bored most of the time and she missed the play and interaction with her friends at daycare. That was enough to get me wayyyyy over my last remints of guilt and realize that we, as a family, were lucky to have found the solution that worked best for us the first time around. I remember that and read from some of the SAHM's on the board how their kids run them ragged (and having seen it, I believe them) and thank the universe that I have a horseshoe lodged somewhere. ![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/pray.gif) I stayed home for a year with my oldest and 4 months with my youngest. I loved it both times. I had a stretch of 6 months between the time I left one firm and went back to my original firm. The kids were older (youngest was going into kindergarten and my oldest was going into 2nd). We had the best summer but within a week of them heading to school I was bored out of my mind. There is only so much cleaning, exercising and cooking one can do. They started school in September and I was back to work by November. Not because being a SAHM was so difficult but because without the kids home there was nothing to do.
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justme
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Post by justme on Dec 10, 2014 20:00:57 GMT -5
I have no horse in this race, but I do think it's rather crappy that the friend can talk about what she does 9-5 M-F and how hard it is or her future plans etc but because one stays at home during 9-5 M-F they can't complain about what's hard or talk about their future plans of all the future 9-5 time for the rest of their life.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Dec 10, 2014 20:33:24 GMT -5
I know I am late to the party and we have moved onto the normal us v them thing - but I have a saying - what people say to you has way, way more to do with what they are going through vs. what you actually just said. Clearly your friend is struggling with time, or money or stress or all of the above. You can reach out to her and not talk about your situation at all - just say "Is everything okay with you?" Maybe she is not telling you the whole story.
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