whoami
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Post by whoami on Dec 9, 2014 22:41:28 GMT -5
I think you are just oblivious...its like the recurring theme of money and the step brats.
IMO, you have a weird passive agressive need to constantly bring up money with apparently more people than just the stepkids.
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Dec 9, 2014 22:58:59 GMT -5
I think you are just oblivious...its like the recurring theme of money and the step brats. IMO, you have a weird passive agressive need to constantly bring up money with apparently more people than just the stepkids. I will have to respectfully disagree. If my friend had called me about how crazy she was going while at home with the kids during maternity leave, and she had shared with me that there is no financial necessity for her to work, then I would think that her being a working mom is a choice she made. And with her complaints while at home I would think that she would understand how being a SAH has its own drawbacks and I would expect her to be at least somewhat understanding. If friend had used any common sense this the two of them could have had a nice whining fest ending. Instead it became all about "friend" and her feelings even. Not much of a friend and if anyone should apologize it would my friend.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2014 23:10:47 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2014 23:23:48 GMT -5
Maybe I'm projecting. I have very rarely felt the need to immediately withdraw myself from a conversation. I would assume if what happened in the OP happens to me, that there was more to the situation than I realized. I would assume my friend was very upset and that she was going through something I didn't fully understand... So I'd adjust.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Dec 9, 2014 23:24:23 GMT -5
I wouldn't lose sleep over this. It appears you unintentionally stepped on a nerve. Perhaps your friend dreams of reducing her hours at work. Just because she didn't want to be at home all day, every day, doesn't mean she doesn't want to work part-time. Is her DH pushing her to work full time to bring in more money?
I wouldn't call & apologize. Just don't bring up that topic again, unless she does.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Dec 9, 2014 23:37:17 GMT -5
You're kidding, right? What do you mean you didn't know those statements would not be appreciated? I don't blame your friend at all. Plus, she was honest with you and ended the conversation before she said something she couldn't take back. This thread has got to be a sick joke. Are you serious or being sarcastic? Bc if you are serious, I can't imagine being so guarded with my close friends that I had to watch every word. I did offend a friend once, but I was trying to be funny and it came out offensive. She told me she didn't appreciated it and we moved on. OP - I don't think you have anything to apologize for Serious, as in baffled not intense or mad. I cannot fathom a mother who is currently parenting and staying at home who doesn't understand that saying "working moms have it easier" to a working mother (who apparently doesn't have a choice about working) could be an inflammatory statement in the conversation. That is incredibly naive on the part of the OP. Look at the title she chose--that's clearly inflammatory (and I don't mean the misused apostrophes ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/wink.png)   ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/wink.png) . Now, on a sarcastic note: Really, you've only offended a friend once ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/grin.png)
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Dec 10, 2014 0:56:39 GMT -5
Are you serious or being sarcastic? Bc if you are serious, I can't imagine being so guarded with my close friends that I had to watch every word. I did offend a friend once, but I was trying to be funny and it came out offensive. She told me she didn't appreciated it and we moved on. OP - I don't think you have anything to apologize for Serious, as in baffled not intense or mad. I cannot fathom a mother who is currently parenting and staying at home who doesn't understand that saying "working moms have it easier" to a working mother (who apparently doesn't have a choice about working) could be an inflammatory statement in the conversation. That is incredibly naive on the part of the OP. Look at the title she chose--that's clearly inflammatory (and I don't mean the misused apostrophes ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/wink.png) . Now, on a sarcastic note: Really, you've only offended a friend once ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/grin.png) Oh lordy, of course not. but in this particular instance it was pretty bad. She told me what she thought of my "joke", gave me a chance to apologize and we moved on. As far as OP - I was referring to the part of where OP was simply sharing her plans for not working and the other woman got upset and abruptly hung up the phone. *I* wouldn't be able to be friends with someone like that, bc I would always feel very guarded about every.single.word I was saying.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Dec 10, 2014 0:59:04 GMT -5
I think you are just oblivious...its like the recurring theme of money and the step brats. IMO, you have a weird passive agressive need to constantly bring up money with apparently more people than just the stepkids. wow, harsh!! And it's coming from me, not exactly the most nice and tactful person
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Dec 10, 2014 0:59:57 GMT -5
I cannot fathom a mother who is currently parenting and staying at home who doesn't understand that saying "working moms have it easier" to a working mother (who apparently doesn't have a choice about working) could be an inflammatory statement in the conversation. That is incredibly naive on the part of the OP. Look at the title she chose--that's clearly inflammatory (and I don't mean the misused apostrophes ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/wink.png) . This. I will admit, that as a working mom, and the breadwinner, sometimes it's nice to get away from everything by going in the office. BUT, in no way does that make up for the fact that my family's financial well-being rests squarely on my shoulders. If my DH doesn't keep up with laundry, or makes cereal for dinner because he was too tired to cook or didn't have time to go grocery shopping, the consequences are FAR less than if I do a poor job at my place of employment. Shit, when DH has a busy day and doesn't get everything done, he gets a pat on the back and oh, well, you've got tomorrow. Do you really think that if I don't keep up with work and continue to broaden my skills, etc, etc that my boss is going to say "Oh, really, that's ok that you aren't doing what you need to. You've got tomorrow. I'm totally OK with you letting your responsibilities slide, and you will have no consequences!" Trust me, I would gladly trade in the stress of making sure my family is taken care of, so that I can stay home, spend 10ish hours a week doing whatever I want, and having no serious consequences if all my household "jobs" don't get done in a timely basis (for whatever reason).
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Dec 10, 2014 1:02:40 GMT -5
As far as making a comment that "working is easier".....well, I used to say that myself. Bc when I remember my working days, I remember all the free time I had that I don't have right now. And then I remember that when I was working, I didn't have kids. So, then I shut myself up and count my blessings.
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Formerly SK
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Post by Formerly SK on Dec 10, 2014 1:41:04 GMT -5
I don't think the specific issue is important (SAHM vs WOH). It sounds like your friend is VERY sensitive to something right now and you didn't understand the severity of it and put your foot in your mouth. It happens. In the first few years after my DS was dx with autism, I had many friends say the most clueless things to me. Things like "You're so lucky your son only eats one food because it makes meal planning so much easier." Or, "You're so lucky your son plays by himself all the time and never wants attention because you can get so much work done." I could have (justifiably) freaked out on them, but I understood their comments came from their own stress and they weren't comprehending how ABSOLUTELY F*CKING HORRIBLE they sounded (even though they knew we were spending about 2K/mo on therapy to get him to eat and interact with people). So I mentally forgave them and changed the subject. But, I was only able to do that because I was at peace with my struggles when they made the comments. Obviously OP's friend is having a very difficult time with something right now, and that is really too bad. If I were OP, I'd call and apologize and offer hugs/support for whatever is bothering her. Based on OP's description, she's obviously in a lot of pain. ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/sad.png)
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Dec 10, 2014 4:21:11 GMT -5
How would you have rather your friend reacted when she was upset by something you brought up? She didn't attack you or what you said, but she clearly communicated that she couldn't talk about it with you.
I can't imagine not knowing anything about the working vs sahm issues so I have to wonder what all you said and in what context. I can understand saying that you miss working, or that working was easier than providing 24x7 care for elderly family, or that working was easier *for you* than staying home with a baby.
Regardless though, if you are telling someone that their life is so much easier than your own, I don't think you can be surprised when they snap back.
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Dec 10, 2014 6:39:26 GMT -5
I won't fight with you because I agree but please don't tell anyone else I don't want to get in trouble. ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/wink.png) Too many people these days just want someone to vent to rather than someone to talk with. I'm absolutely horrible in those situations because I don't keep my mouth shut. LOL! I want her number so I can call and tell her how I don't have to work and I don't have any kids to see if her head will explode. Then I'll tell her that my DH is a Republican and is on board 100%. The OP will look like a saint after my conversation with her. I'll also suggest that she grow up and realize not everything is about her situation and sucky marriage. Then I'll end it with MERRY CHRISTMAS! instead of happy holidays. ![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/angel2.png)
ETA for Oped: MC and HH was about also being pc correct as stated in my other post. Thank you! That just made my day!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 10, 2014 7:32:22 GMT -5
I think your friend could have just been having a bad day. We all have them. You touched a nerve. She could have just been stressing over who knows what and that was just the last straw. If this was a "one off" with her, apologize and move on. If she's prickly a lot, move on as well. I put my foot in my mouth a lot, my friends deal with it the same way I deal with them when they do. We care for each other and arent always sensitive. But we have a mutual friend that we are mostly starting to avoid because she's TOO sensitive and we're tired of walking on eggshells.
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skubikky
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Post by skubikky on Dec 10, 2014 7:34:38 GMT -5
You're kidding, right? What do you mean you didn't know those statements would not be appreciated?I don't blame your friend at all. Plus, she was honest with you and ended the conversation before she said something she couldn't take back. This thread has got to be a sick joke. ?? I was not expecting her to "appreciate" my comments. I obviously spoke without thinking too much. Unfortunately this is not a joke. Apparently I'm a really crappy friend. I often try to put myself in other peoples shoes. I worked crazy hard, often more than time and a half, for over 20 years. I never once felt resentment towards those who could stay home. I never thought this would be an issue. These web boards are opening my eyes more, since this is the first person who ever showed anger to me about the topic. again, I think I was just oblivious. I honestly don't intend to hurt feelings here. No, you're not a crappy friend. You needed to talk about something and it just wasn't a subject that this friend could be objective about, that's all. It was something that she really couldn't provide some objective support on and that's ok. Everyone has their limits and sensitivities and you learn to be aware of that. Maybe you can discuss this with some other friend(s) who might be able to lend more support or understanding.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 10, 2014 7:36:38 GMT -5
I've been both. Usually when doing one, I thought the other was easier. ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/wink.png)
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skubikky
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Post by skubikky on Dec 10, 2014 7:45:05 GMT -5
I think your friend could have just been having a bad day. We all have them. You touched a nerve. She could have just been stressing over who knows what and that was just the last straw. If this was a "one off" with her, apologize and move on. If she's prickly a lot, move on as well. I put my foot in my mouth a lot, my friends deal with it the same way I deal with them when they do. We care for each other and arent always sensitive. But we have a mutual friend that we are mostly starting to avoid because she's TOO sensitive and we're tired of walking on eggshells. Sometimes I'm totally convinced that we are twins who were separated at birth. And, that of the two of us, I'm the evil twin... ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/wink.png)
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Dec 10, 2014 8:59:09 GMT -5
I'm also assuming that the prior conversations about the friends money situation and that her dh wouldn't be comfortable with her staying home have happened in the past which means this isn't the first time the conversation has come up.
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Dec 10, 2014 8:59:25 GMT -5
I wonder if friend's husband, being conservative, still expects this friend to do all the housework and childrearing on her own even though she's working? That would make me cry...
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Dec 10, 2014 9:05:12 GMT -5
I wonder if friend's husband, being conservative, still expects this friend to do all the housework and childrearing on her own even though she's working? That would make me cry... That would make me land in jail...just saying. ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/wink.png)
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Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2014 9:07:20 GMT -5
Yes, I struggled to understand the way too conservative to let her stay home notion.
eta: I'm not sure exactly what was meant by the statement.
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Dec 10, 2014 9:11:10 GMT -5
In all seriousness, I'm always amazed about the assumptions folks make without even talking about things rationally and letting emotions cloud perceptions.
As long as something works for your family, and doesn't put undue burden on others, who gives a damn about what others think?
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Dec 10, 2014 9:12:26 GMT -5
Today we were talking about careers and I mentioned how I now plan to wait to go back to work, until it's financially necessary for us
She may be having some financial difficulties you aren't aware of and you talking about not having to go back because you're well off enough you can pick/choose if you work was rubbing salt in the wound.
No way to know unless she tells you.
You buried yourself when you mentioned you think working is easier. I would have ended the conversation when she told me to and moved onto another subject. Or I would have asked her why she has the stick up her butt does she need to talk.
Telling her you think working is easier was dismissive and patronizing. You didn't mean it that way but her saying she didn't want to talk about it was code for this is a touch topic drop it NOW. Instead you wrote off her warning and kept going.
I would not call to apologize, that gives you more opportunities to stick yoru foot in your mouth. Instead honor her request and permenately drop the subject. If you need to vent about your decisions concerning working or staying home find another find for whom the topic isn’t as sensitive.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2014 9:13:01 GMT -5
I've been both. Usually when doing one, I thought the other was easier. ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/wink.png) I worked outside the home from the time DS was 6 weeks old. Of course there were many times when I envied women who could stay at home, but mostly I loved my work and the satisfaction and recognition it brought. Honest people on both sides of the fence understand that sometimes the other side looks better. It sounds like the OP's friend isn't happy with her own situation and it's a sore point.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2014 9:18:28 GMT -5
I've done both too. They both have their good points and their bad.
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Dec 10, 2014 9:29:28 GMT -5
Again, (and I know I deserve to be kicked upside the head by some of you peeps), DD was an extremely easy kid. I would have been bored out of my mind if I stayed home with her because she was excellent at keeping herself amused. I had one brief period of working mom guilt when she was about 2yo. I took two weeks off together to spend time with her on a full time basis. I was bored most of the time and she missed the play and interaction with her friends at daycare. That was enough to get me wayyyyy over my last remints of guilt and realize that we, as a family, were lucky to have found the solution that worked best for us the first time around. I remember that and read from some of the SAHM's on the board how their kids run them ragged (and having seen it, I believe them) and thank the universe that I have a horseshoe lodged somewhere. ![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/pray.gif)
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Dec 10, 2014 10:01:06 GMT -5
As far as making a comment that "working is easier".....well, I used to say that myself. Bc when I remember my working days, I remember all the free time I had that I don't have right now. And then I remember that when I was working, I didn't have kids. So, then I shut myself up and count my blessings. I've been both a SAHM mom and a working mom and I have never felt that working was easier...ever. I don't get that comment. Maybe when you are dealing with infants but even then I so loved being home with my babies.
Honestly, if a SAHM told me that working was easier I would just assume she has always had a low-level job where she was never under tight deadlines, never worked a ton of hours and never had an entire department (or more) reporting to her. In my case, staying home was SO much easier and so worth it for the period of time I did it.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Dec 10, 2014 10:16:24 GMT -5
As far as making a comment that "working is easier".....well, I used to say that myself. Bc when I remember my working days, I remember all the free time I had that I don't have right now. And then I remember that when I was working, I didn't have kids. So, then I shut myself up and count my blessings. I've been both a SAHM mom and a working mom and I have never felt that working was easier...ever. I don't get that comment. Maybe when you are dealing with infants but even then I so loved being home with my babies.
Honestly, if a SAHM told me that working was easier I would just assume she has always had a low-level job where she was never under tight deadlines, never worked a ton of hours and never had an entire department (or more) reporting to her. In my case, staying home was SO much easier and so worth it for the period of time I did it.
This is why I often think to myself that if I had to work right now, while also having to take care of the house and the kids, let's just say.....there would be a bed in a mental institution calling my name. But I've been told you are not allowed to say that either - comments like "I don't know how you do it" and "I could have never done that" have been known to be offensive as well. So, as hard as it is for me - I try to keep my mouth shut on....well, pretty much anything now days. Bc people seem to be offended by EVERYTHING
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Dec 10, 2014 10:27:12 GMT -5
You're kidding, right? What do you mean you didn't know those statements would not be appreciated? I don't blame your friend at all. Plus, she was honest with you and ended the conversation before she said something she couldn't take back. This thread has got to be a sick joke. Did the OP get edited?? Wait, I see it now. NM.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Dec 10, 2014 10:28:39 GMT -5
Yes, you should be able to talk about your life without her getting offended, but maybe there is more going on with her than you realize. But you screwed the pooch with the working is easier comment. They both are hard - just in different ways. Ok, this must have been deleted out of the OP I don't see it anymore and didn't understand the outrage.Nevermind, I see it. Yeah, that's overboard. Everything else is fine.
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