Goodness - men!

[kittensaver]

Dec 17, 2014 11:09:39 GMT -5 @tbird said:

Dec 17, 2014 10:58:18 GMT -5 kittensaver said:

I am sincerely sorry to hear that life and relationships are such a downer for you

lol - yep - very expected response. 

No woman can be happy and fulfilled with her life without a man and romance. 

No - no cinderella sydrome here....

And just for the record - I NEVER said that (a woman cannot be happy and fulfilled without a man and romance). NEVER. I didn't even imply it. But clearly you seem bent on bringing t-dog down . . .

[kittensaver]

Not me. But I am now out of this thread. It's impossible to have a rational conversation with someone who is hellbent on misunderstanding you from the get-go.

t-dog - I wish you luck and success and happiness on your journey.

[Opti]

I'm wishing for new posters and more threads.

[Deleted]

Dec 16, 2014 19:53:18 GMT -5 kittensaver said:

Dec 15, 2014 18:49:11 GMT -5 t-dog said:

Thanks plugginaway - I need to build up more confidence to believe that there is in fact someone out there for me.

t-dog! There is TOTALLY someone WONDERFUL out there for you! You just have to remember (or possibly re-learn?) that dating is a "numbers game" - pure and simple. Yeah it's hard sometimes to put yourself out there, but more guys you try out the better your chances of finding the right one

Because I'm a gardener, I liken it to thinning seedlings in a vegetable plot: you plant at least three seeds in each hole because it greatly increases your chances of getting seedlings/sprouts. But when more than one seedling comes up, at some point you will need to pull out (or snip off) the weakest plant(s) in order to let the strongest one thrive. And you have to be non-emotional/non-sentimental about it. Three plants are NOT going to survive (let alone thrive) in the same spot. If you're not a least a little ruthless about thinning you will never get a food crop.

Dating is the same way. Sometimes ya gotta be ruthless (I prefer to called it Clear-Eyed or Focused on a Goal) when weeding through potential dates in order to find the good one. But how are you going to find the good one unless you scatter your interest far and wide, and work your way through the weeds (and the weak seedlings)? And if you put yourself out there, unfortunately you will find plenty of weakling seedlings and obnoxious weeds.

I KNOW you were hoping he wasn't a weed I know you were hoping he was a seedling that was going to grow and thrive. Sorry it didn't turn out that way  So go ahead and be a little ruthless and snip him off - unsentimentally He is merely a lesson along the path to the Right Guy. It's not you - it's him. Trust me.

I'm cheering for you, t-dog!

WOW!  What an analogy!  I love it! 

[Angel!]

Dec 17, 2014 7:07:51 GMT -5 plugginaway22 said:

This is what happened with my ex.  He still thinks if he says the right thing or does the right thing we will get back together

[Deleted]

I NEVER said that (a woman cannot be happy and fulfilled without a man and romance). NEVER. I didn't even imply it.

It isn't just what you said here, but what you said implied it. It's also a lot of messages that are around, from fairy tales to movies etc. I'm with Rukh on this one. t-dog may or may not find a man for her. And statistics are that not all women will. That's okay. There is a lot more to life to enjoy than just being in a romantic relationship.

ETA - And there are some things you can only enjoy being single. The freedom and complete control of your stuff is great and you just don't get that when you have to take another adult into consideration for all of your decisions.

[Angel!]

Dec 17, 2014 10:10:33 GMT -5 @tbird said:

Dec 16, 2014 19:53:18 GMT -5 kittensaver said:

t-dog! There is TOTALLY someone WONDERFUL out there for you! 

I hate to be debbie downer here - but this just isn't mathematically true for everyone.

Let's start with the fact that the population distribution is 51% women/49% men. Then subtract the prison population, and go on from there through the wife beater, chronic cheaters, sex offenders, etc. 

I got this routine repeatedly. Also - the old saw 'when you stop looking, love will find you'. Well - I stopped looking 15 years ago, so far, nothing's happening.

It's fine to be out there looking, and I surely wish t-dog the best, but I do think we, women, as a cultural phenomenon, have got to get over this needing of romantic partnership.

Sure - it's great if it's great, no doubt about that. But - statistically speaking - there isn't someone for everyone.

You have got to be happy with yourself and your life. That is your life. If a partner adds to that - fantastic! Go for it!

But I really see all this "some wonderful is out there" presented as a certainty - it's just an extension of the cinderella/snow white/waiting on prince charming to save the day.

I'm really saying this as a point of kindness - to try to help - but t-dog is sounding desperate for that love connection. If there is one thing that will send a man running - in most cases - it is a woman desperate for love/relationship, etc.

T-dog - I wish you all the best - with life, with love, with everything. Certainly, keep in game as that is what you want. But while you are looking - focus on your life with you and do and be what and who you want to be - as an individual.

Make that life so grand that when someone pulls a stunt like this repeatedly - you walk away easy. Because your life is great, and you don't have time to waste on someone else's bullshit.

I both agree & disagree.  You should live life without the need for a partner.  You shouldn't need someone else to bring you happiness.  And I certainly don't buy the prince charming, true love, soul mate bull shit.  And I agree that being desperate for a partner dooms you to settle & pick someone bad (me 9 years ago ).

But, I think if you are happy, reasonably well-adjusted person, then you can totally find someone that you would want to spend your life with if that is something you want.  I think odds are against it happening when you aren't looking.  Especially if you are a single mom & don't get out much (not sure about T-dog, but this definitely applies to me).  But, if you put yourself out there & go on enough dates & meet enough men, eventually things will click with one of them. 

[billisonboard]

Dec 17, 2014 12:37:08 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

... The freedom and complete control of your stuff is great and you just don't get that when you have to take another adult into consideration for all of your decisions.

Dec 17, 2014 12:39:52 GMT -5 Angel! said:

...But, I think if you are happy, reasonably well-adjusted person, then you can totally find someone that you would want to spend your life with if that is something you want. ...

These two seem to be me to be connected.

[Deleted]

Dec 17, 2014 12:50:01 GMT -5 billisonboard said:

Dec 17, 2014 12:37:08 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

... The freedom and complete control of your stuff is great and you just don't get that when you have to take another adult into consideration for all of your decisions.

Dec 17, 2014 12:39:52 GMT -5 Angel! said:

...But, I think if you are happy, reasonably well-adjusted person, then you can totally find someone that you would want to spend your life with if that is something you want. ...

These two seem to be me to be connected.

LOL A happy, well-adjusted person can enjoy freedom and complete control of their stuff. Or enjoy sharing their life with someone. However, they are mutually exclusive experiences.

[zibazinski]

I didn't find DF until I healed from my ex. Just because you want someone doesn't mean it's your time. DF's aunt lives in The Villages. Home of every desperate widow and the highest std rate among seniors. Because she's not interested in being a nurse with a purse, what few eligible men there are chase her like there's no tomorrow! She has a social life I envy. . I swear the minute you aren't looking it'll happen.

[billisonboard]

Dec 17, 2014 12:57:19 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

Dec 17, 2014 12:50:01 GMT -5 billisonboard said:

These two seem to be me to be connected.

LOL A happy, well-adjusted person can enjoy freedom and complete control of their stuff. Or enjoy sharing their life with someone. However, they are mutually exclusive experiences.

True. Of course a control freak can need freedom and complete control of their stuff; a co-dependent can need that someone else.

[t-dog]

Wow - ok was gone for a day because...wait for it...I was busy living life and checking out middle schools with my kiddo. Its not that I NEED to share my life with someone...I WANT to. Let me make that very clear. I have been quite effectively managing my life and that of the kiddo for the last 5 years without any desires or thoughts of sharing with any one. I have now processed all that has gone before and discovered that what I WANT is to find someone to share experiences/life with.

Sheesh, sorry I ignited a firestorm.  And yes, as a gardener the veggie seedling analogy was apt. kittensaver sorry you seem to have taken the brunt while I was touring some amazing schools.

[nutty]

I fully agree with Rukh, he is keeping his options open and when something doesn't work out he calls his backup --- YOU. He is not that into you, he may like you but you are not his numero uno.

[skubikky]

Dec 17, 2014 15:51:22 GMT -5 t-dog said:

Wow - ok was gone for a day because...wait for it...I was busy living life and checking out middle schools with my kiddo. Its not that I NEED to share my life with someone...I WANT to. Let me make that very clear. I have been quite effectively managing my life and that of the kiddo for the last 5 years without any desires or thoughts of sharing with any one. I have now processed all that has gone before and discovered that what I WANT is to find someone to share experiences/life with.

Sheesh, sorry I ignited a firestorm.  And yes, as a gardener the veggie seedling analogy was apt. kittensaver sorry you seem to have taken the brunt while I was touring some amazing schools.

That all sounds good.  I understand your feelings t-dog.

The biggest warning sign that I observed was not so much his behavior, but how you responded to it.  You can't control how others act, but you can control how you act.
Your self-worth is of utmost importance.  
Examine how you want to be treated and how you want to treat someone you could care for.
What are your basic rules of consideration?
 
Would you have accepted a dinner invitation and then not shown or called?
Then most certainly it isn't alright for someone to treat you that way.  Barring of course some emergency, but indeed that wasn't the case here.

The treatment and respect standard that you set for yourself must be returned.
Why on any level you'd tolerate someone treating you in this manner?  Even one time, though, really there have been a few times already.
Just so you have a chance at having a BF? 

It's something that you just need to ponder on your own.  And, I would say perhaps you might delay any dating until you have this straight with yourself.

[Deleted]

Its not that I NEED to share my life with someone...I WANT to.

That's not how you're acting if you are willing to put up with the disrespect because "it took so long to even get this date" or something like that. I'm too lazy to go back and find your exact words.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Dec 17, 2014 12:32:03 GMT -5 Angel! said:

Dec 17, 2014 7:07:51 GMT -5 plugginaway22 said:

This is what happened with my ex.  He still thinks if he says the right thing or does the right thing we will get back together

I assuming that means you still have some contact with him.  How are you and the kids handling the holidays?  You all ok? 

[Deleted]

I not take up a man so t-dog can have one extra to pick from!

[zibazinski]

Dec 17, 2014 13:24:04 GMT -5 @tbird said:

Dec 17, 2014 12:39:52 GMT -5 Angel! said:

I both agree & disagree.  You should live life without the need for a partner.  You shouldn't need someone else to bring you happiness.  And I certainly don't buy the prince charming, true love, soul mate bull shit.  And I agree that being desperate for a partner dooms you to settle & pick someone bad (me 9 years ago ).

But, I think if you are happy, reasonably well-adjusted person, then you can totally find someone that you would want to spend your life with if that is something you want.  I think odds are against it happening when you aren't looking.  Especially if you are a single mom & don't get out much (not sure about T-dog, but this definitely applies to me).  But, if you put yourself out there & go on enough dates & meet enough men, eventually things will click with one of them. 

I think it depends on a lot if factors, but I think we agree that whether you are out there actively looking or not, you still need to make your life a fulfilling and happy one within yourself. And, certainly, not put up with someone who consistently disrespects you.

However, natural processes do dictate a 2% differential in the population....so....someone for everyone, but not all at once!

Here's mr perfect, but you only get him for 10 years, then its someone else's turn

I always seem to get the bad ten years.

[Angel!]

Dec 18, 2014 8:39:38 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

Dec 17, 2014 12:32:03 GMT -5 Angel! said:

This is what happened with my ex.  He still thinks if he says the right thing or does the right thing we will get back together

I assuming that means you still have some contact with him.  How are you and the kids handling the holidays?  You all ok? 

Sort of. He goes through periods where he calls the kids. And then he went through a period where he wants me & him 'to be friends' & I half ass played along. Like if he texts me something, I replied about 25% of the time with a "that's funny" or something equally non-committal. Most of the time I still just ignore because I have no interest in saying good morning or good night to him.  I don't do that with my other friends, so WTH.  But, I didn't call him out because I already know he would play it off that he was just being nice & why am I such a bitch to assume he is doing it for any other reason.

So one morning a few weeks ago he texts me a bunch of sexual shit & I finally got an opportunity to call him out.  I told him that the texts were completely inappropriate & unacceptable.  Told him that if he wants to be friends he can never talk to me like that again.  Then said something along the lines of "is this whole being friends thing a game because you are trying to get back together?"  And he said "yes".  Then did another "goodbye forever, tell the kids I love them" drama crap.  I basically told him he was a shitty parent if the only reason he kept in contact with his kids is because he thought we would get back together.  And haven't heard from him since.  Kind of hoping he is gone for good, but not holding my breath.

Personally I'm doing great.  Unfortunately the kids miss him & I just don't know what to tell them sometimes & it makes me so sad for them

Dec 18, 2014 8:50:39 GMT -5 @tbird said:

Dec 18, 2014 8:39:38 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

I assuming that means you still have some contact with him.  How are you and the kids handling the holidays?  You all ok? 

Angel - be super careful!  

But I hope he went to texas.....

No worries.  He is in TX.  He has a warrant in this state, so he can't even come back without risking jail.  I am worried that if he gets picked up in TX, they might send him back here though, which would royally suck.

And I have absolutely no intentions of getting back together ever!!  My life is so, so much better with him gone.  Kind of makes me sad I didn't figure that out sooner, but live & learn I suppose.  At least in the future I know that no relationship is worth what he put me through & I won't make the same mistake.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Hugs Angel. 

I hope it gets better and easier for your kids, as time goes by. 

[Angel!]

Speak of the devil. Haven't heard from him in weeks & literally just 2 minutes ago got an email.

"I got over faster this time. if the kids ever want to see me you email and bring them. other than that &^&#%$&#. I will sent them one last xmas telling how I will never get to talk or see them unless you bring them....I almost died the last time over you. you dumb"

If I gave him more credit I would be worried he somehow knew I posted here & read what I wrote. But, I think coincidence & best guess is he is absolutely drunk off his ass & maybe high.  Usually he makes more sense than this. Not even sure what he is saying, maybe sending the kids gifts?? Not sure. Do know I am not driving the kids to TX to visit someone who plans to never talk to them again.

Will ignore & not respond. What is nice, this didn't even make me angry.  Although I did laugh at 'you dumb'. Guy is a moron.

[Angel!]

Dec 19, 2014 16:59:51 GMT -5 @tbird said:

Dec 19, 2014 13:37:57 GMT -5 Angel! said:

Speak of the devil. Haven't heard from him in weeks & literally just 2 minutes ago got an email.

"I got over faster this time. if the kids ever want to see me you email and bring them. other than that &^&#%$&#. I will sent them one last xmas telling how I will never get to talk or see them unless you bring them....I almost died the last time over you. you dumb"

If I gave him more credit I would be worried he somehow knew I posted here & read what I wrote. But, I think coincidence & best guess is he is absolutely drunk off his ass & maybe high.  Usually he makes more sense than this. Not even sure what he is saying, maybe sending the kids gifts?? Not sure. Do know I am not driving the kids to TX to visit someone who plans to never talk to them again.

Will ignore & not respond. What is nice, this didn't even make me angry.  Although I did laugh at 'you dumb'. Guy is a moron.

lol, again - they sense this!  Somehow, some way, they always know when you calling done on the situation, and they have to stir the pot again.

Sorry he is still pulling that yoyo biz on you. You may think I'm overly cautious, but he is possessive, has been violent, and likes to blame you for everything. With drugs eroding his grey matter, I do really worry. always take the safest bet in any situation with this one.

Thank you.  If he was in state I would be much more concerned.  Which is why I really hope they never ship him here for his warrant. 

[justme]

Not that I want to bring t-dog down or anything, but I do personally agree with not doing the "don't worry you'll find someone" and "when you're not looking" and everything else. Do a lot of people find someone? Yeah, but not everyone. I'm happy in my life and think it's pretty great, but I'd really like a relationship. For the last 2+ years I've been seriously looking out for what would be a serious relationship and in that time all I got was a good relationship that lasted 4 months. The rest of the times it was either guys that weren't worth my time or the ones I thought would didn't think I was.

I know I'm young so there could be someone out there, but there also couldn't be. And I think I'd feel a lot better about my alone status if people/society didn't try to cheer/encourage/discuss my status with some version of don't worry some day you'll be better and part of a couple and then it will all be grand.  

[Deleted]

Dec 19, 2014 17:51:19 GMT -5 justme said:

Not that I want to bring t-dog down or anything, but I do personally agree with not doing the "don't worry you'll find someone" and "when you're not looking" and everything else. Do a lot of people find someone? Yeah, but not everyone. I'm happy in my life and think it's pretty great, but I'd really like a relationship. For the last 2+ years I've been seriously looking out for what would be a serious relationship and in that time all I got was a good relationship that lasted 4 months. The rest of the times it was either guys that weren't worth my time or the ones I thought would didn't think I was.

I know I'm young so there could be someone out there, but there also couldn't be. And I think I'd feel a lot better about my alone status if people/society didn't try to cheer/encourage/discuss my status with some version of don't worry some day you'll be better and part of a couple and then it will all be grand.  

I thought that for years and years. Then I finally realized how many losers I had been dating just to make the square peg fit into the round hole (no pun intended).  I really believe that some people are intended to be alone, and I am one of those that is just happier on my own.

But you are young............... you cannot know the future.  Don't worry about it.  Just enjoy your younger years (with or without a man)!

[Green Eyed Lady]

I don't know if any other women experience this, but I get the feeling sometimes people think there is something wrong with me because I don't want/need a man in my life right now. That doesn't mean never...it means for now. There is something wrong with me. I make shitty choices when it comes to men. Until I figure out how NOT to do that, I'm best off being single.

No.    I don't hate all men because of the things my ex did.

No.    I am not gay.  Not that there would be anything wrong with it if I was. I don't want anybody in my life...male or female.

No.    I am not afraid.  I simply do not trust my ability to "see" right now. 

Yes.   I miss the intimacy of being with someone.  But not enough to make another stupid decision.

Yes.   I am alone but not lonely.  There is a difference.  Being alone is better than being with the wrong person.

[Icelandic Woman]

Dec 19, 2014 21:11:55 GMT -5 Green Eyed Lady said:

I don't know if any other women experience this, but I get the feeling sometimes people think there is something wrong with me because I don't want/need a man in my life right now. That doesn't mean never...it means for now. There is something wrong with me. I make shitty choices when it comes to men. Until I figure out how NOT to do that, I'm best off being single.

No.    I don't hate all men because of the things my ex did.

No.    I am not gay.  Not that there would be anything wrong with it if I was. I don't want anybody in my life...male or female.

No.    I am not afraid.  I simply do not trust my ability to "see" right now. 

Yes.   I miss the intimacy of being with someone.  But not enough to make another stupid decision.

Yes.   I am alone but not lonely.  There is a difference.  Being alone is better than being with the wrong person.

OMG you could be my twin!!! I have been alone for many years now and that is the way I prefer it. My Mom is always saying that I am too young to have given up on relationships. Oh well that is my choice!

[Deleted]

Dec 19, 2014 21:11:55 GMT -5 Green Eyed Lady said:

I don't know if any other women experience this, but I get the feeling sometimes people think there is something wrong with me because I don't want/need a man in my life right now. That doesn't mean never...it means for now. There is something wrong with me. I make shitty choices when it comes to men. Until I figure out how NOT to do that, I'm best off being single.

No.    I don't hate all men because of the things my ex did.

No.    I am not gay.  Not that there would be anything wrong with it if I was. I don't want anybody in my life...male or female.

No.    I am not afraid.  I simply do not trust my ability to "see" right now. 

Yes.   I miss the intimacy of being with someone.  But not enough to make another stupid decision.

Yes.   I am alone but not lonely.  There is a difference.  Being alone is better than being with the wrong person.

GEL:  If I could double, even triple "like" your post, I would.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Hugs GEL. 

[beergut]

Sorry it didn't work out, t-dog.

 The point about there not being enough men out there is a valid one. I explained to my GF once that I think one of the reasons some women pursue taken men is because their aren't enough other options out there. The lack of numbers makes some women desperate, desperate enough that they'll destroy another women's relationship in an attempt to claim what they see as a desirable man.

I believe if a man is interested in you, he'll let you know loud and clear. One of the things I remember most clearly about the beginning of my current relationship is that we sent over 2000 text messages in the first day after exchanging phone numbers. We began each day texting and ended each day texting, it was essentially a neverending conversation as we got to know each other. 

We hit one year together Thanksgiving week.

[milee]

Dec 26, 2014 4:36:04 GMT -5 beergut said:

I believe if a man is interested in you, he'll let you know loud and clear.

This is the whole idea behind that book I linked to, "He's Just Not That Into You".  Linking it wasn't being snarky - it's actually a funny, well done book with an important central message... that if a guy is really into you he'll send strong signals. If he's not sending those signals or there are too many times where he's sending the opposite signals (like not showing up or going a long time without contacting you), don't ignore that because that means no matter what words are coming out of his mouth the reality is that he's just not that into you.  Or if he is into you, that he's a jerk. 

The book's a good read and is more IMHO about self-esteem and big picture thinking about relationships than any particular guy.