t-dog
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Post by t-dog on Dec 8, 2014 19:33:27 GMT -5
Ok Billsonboard, but why not just say you got stuff to deal with?
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Dec 8, 2014 19:34:23 GMT -5
Ok Billsonboard, but why not just say you got stuff to deal with?
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Dec 8, 2014 19:35:27 GMT -5
A lot of men shut-down or tune-out or hold their thoughts to themselves. I think part of what @phoenix84 said holds true - men have been conditioned to keep their emotions/feelings to themselves for decades - even centuries.
Many (I'd say the majority) just don't want to share their feelings or what they're thinking all-the-freaking time! They don't feel they have to talk everything out as much as (some) women are willing to or need to do.
It's not just men though - women too, can be quiet and introspective - not wanting to have to share or talk everything through.
I wouldn't prod, but I would ask if there's anything on their mind they want to discuss if they seem troubled or distracted - without pressuring them. If they say no, then that's the end of the discussion.
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Dec 8, 2014 19:38:16 GMT -5
needy men About 30,200,000 results (0.48 seconds)
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t-dog
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Post by t-dog on Dec 8, 2014 19:55:00 GMT -5
needy men About 30,200,000 results (0.48 seconds) This means what? I am clearly not following your thoughts billsonboard
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Dec 8, 2014 20:29:36 GMT -5
needy men About 30,200,000 results (0.48 seconds) This means what? I am clearly not following your thoughts billsonboard When you Google "needy men" you get 30,200,000 links. I will admit I didn't go through all of them, but in the ones I did check out, none of them suggested that neediness in males was a desired trait. Some guys feel that they need to deal with the stresses of life on their own so they don't appear to "need" some to help them.
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skubikky
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Post by skubikky on Dec 9, 2014 7:43:48 GMT -5
to answer - kids are moving in with him and leaving mom in another state. Only 1 is really still a kid - but the other is most likely going to be starting college (over 18 and out of high school).
And yes, a simple "hey, I am really slammed at work this week" would have been nice. Oie! Yes, a simple text or v-mail would have sufficed. This is very telling behavior and really quite inconsiderate. An indication of character or the lack thereof. You can brush it off as a simple miscommunication, but as Zib said, no one is that busy that they can't send up a signal just to let you know that they haven't forgotten you. Please give this some consideration and perhaps talk to him about it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2014 9:47:42 GMT -5
Let me be clear when I say I get that Phoenix - I understand your argument, I don't necessarily agree with it.
Oh well, I am willing to take a chance, it might not work out, but can't be any worse then being alone at this point. If it gets to be worse than being alone that is when I walk.
Oh ya it can.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Dec 9, 2014 9:57:03 GMT -5
Yes. It can definintely be worse than being alone. Don't accept bad treatment just to keep from being alone.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Dec 9, 2014 9:57:42 GMT -5
to answer - kids are moving in with him and leaving mom in another state. Only 1 is really still a kid - but the other is most likely going to be starting college (over 18 and out of high school).
And yes, a simple "hey, I am really slammed at work this week" would have been nice. Oie! OK, even though the kids are adult age, it will still change the dynamics. Now in addition to his work load, he has his children in closer proximity. And assuming he moves to a house, he has a house and all that comes with living in a house (as opposed to living in an apartment; I'm assuming for the sake of argument here that he will rent, not buy, a house). None of this is meant to sound bad; after all, you've been there, done that and got a drawer full of T-shirts when it comes to real life. But I'd expect less communication from him in the future, not more. If you are really into him, let him know you'd like to be there to help or just listen, without becoming the next wife or the other mom. You do communicate very well, I've noticed that in your posts. I think you would be the kind of person a stressed person would want around, so just let him know if and when you can be of assistance, or simply be a shoulder to lean on.
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violagirl
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Post by violagirl on Dec 9, 2014 10:27:00 GMT -5
Maybe he is just used to being alone and didn't think to all the emotional stuff on you. I know I can get irritated with my husband when he doesn't communicate, but as an introvert myself, I ALSO am almost as bad at not communicating when I go into "turtle" mode.
The internal retreat is natural (to me) and I have to make a conscious effort to talk.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Dec 9, 2014 11:11:25 GMT -5
Let me be clear when I say I get that Phoenix - I understand your argument, I don't necessarily agree with it.
Oh well, I am willing to take a chance, it might not work out, but can't be any worse then being alone at this point. If it gets to be worse than being alone that is when I walk.
Oh ya it can. Absolutely. Having been in a horrible relationship for years, I can tell you there are relationships that are far worse than being alone.
I wouldn't necessarily end things, but maybe see this as a red flag. A good opportunity to talk about something serious & see how he responds. A simple "it bothered me that I didn't hear from you for X days. I know you've been busy, but I would appreciate just a text to let me know that everything is ok".
Or maybe he just doesn't see you guys as serious & figures you two can just hang out as you have time. But that might be good to know too, make sure you are on the same page as far as the relationship is concerned.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 9, 2014 11:18:24 GMT -5
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t-dog
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Post by t-dog on Dec 9, 2014 11:52:29 GMT -5
Thanks all - good perspectives. I am not quite ready to call it quits on this one yet. Other than the turtle thing I haven't seen much wrong with him and I should give him the chance to recognize and appreciate my difficulties with the turtle routine before cutting him loose.
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Dec 9, 2014 12:05:19 GMT -5
Count me in the socially-awkward, silent group. DH gets on to me for not communicating things to him, when honestly it never occurs to me that I should. I go silent on my friends sometimes when things are crazy, especially if the communication is sent by text/email/FB. I will read it but then get distracted & forget to respond. Or I type out a response and forget to hit send. I can't tell you how many times I open up my text app and see drafts hanging out there from days ago that I thought I had actually sent to someone. Whoops!
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t-dog
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Post by t-dog on Dec 15, 2014 14:55:03 GMT -5
Well it appears you all were right - I fear the fade has begun. Too bad because I really, really liked this guy.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Dec 15, 2014 14:57:10 GMT -5
He is back to ignoring you? Write him off sweetie.
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t-dog
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Post by t-dog on Dec 15, 2014 15:05:22 GMT -5
Yeah - on Thursday invited him over for dinner the following night. His response was "I will plan on it" Didn't show and haven't heard a word since he accepted on Thursday.
I just don't get the no communication thing. Obviously we have been having bad weather which makes his business very busy - but if you just say you are frigging stuck at work there are no hard feelings. GRRRRRR
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 15, 2014 15:05:23 GMT -5
Well it appears you all were right - I fear the fade has begun. Too bad because I really, really liked this guy.
I would have preferred to be wrong. Sorry.
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t-dog
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Post by t-dog on Dec 15, 2014 15:06:30 GMT -5
Thanks later - I would have preferred that too.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Dec 15, 2014 15:30:47 GMT -5
That sucks, I'm sorry. Who does that - accept an invitation to a date & not even call when you aren't going to make it? The guy is either an ass or clueless.
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t-dog
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Post by t-dog on Dec 15, 2014 15:33:15 GMT -5
No idea Angel!. its taking every ounce of control I have not to call him up and ask that very question. Well, I don't think I would be quite that polite in phrasing the question.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 15, 2014 15:41:59 GMT -5
No idea Angel!. its taking every ounce of control I have not to call him up and ask that very question. Well, I don't think I would be quite that polite in phrasing the question. Don't do it, t-dog. Time to think about writing him off.
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t-dog
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Post by t-dog on Dec 15, 2014 15:46:56 GMT -5
@ezzie - I haven't, but damn I want to. I am sure that the fact that the 5-year anniversary of husbands death is Jan 8 isn't helping me think rationally either. I recognize this, so I am not doing anything in terms of contacting, but that doesn't mean I haven't played out the conversation in my head. I have been clear here that the no contact thing drives me nuts. Had planned on casually broaching it on Friday at dinner, but then he didn't show!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 15, 2014 15:50:18 GMT -5
@ t-dog - Nothing you can say will make him a considerate person.
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t-dog
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Post by t-dog on Dec 15, 2014 15:55:47 GMT -5
yes, clearly accepting an invitation and then going underground is inconsiderate. Not responding to a text that basically said something along the lines of missed seeing you tonight, everything OK is inconsiderate. I get that but I think that since this is the first dating I have done since husband died its making it harder to accept since I haven't had much luck meeting single men prior to this one. I am trying to be a grownup and learn from the experience, but it sucks!
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wyouser
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Post by wyouser on Dec 15, 2014 15:59:05 GMT -5
Shhhhhhh. Keep it down. Whisper only. Keep the source under your hart.....Fox this morning had this thing about men. Seems we are mostly wired to listen to women for about 6...yes...six..minutes, after which our feeble little minds wander off elsewhere. We do a little better when we are listening to another guy. We pay attention for a whole 15 minutes before we again wander off into na na land. Guess that only goes to say we were designed to be out stalking wooly mammoths or getting the heck out of the way of some raging saber-toothed tiger
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t-dog
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Post by t-dog on Dec 15, 2014 16:01:02 GMT -5
so to get a response I gotta be a raging saber-toothed tiger ?
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wyouser
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Post by wyouser on Dec 15, 2014 16:06:15 GMT -5
so to get a response I gotta be a raging saber-toothed tiger ? You gotta admit, the guy WOULD BE focused
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Dec 15, 2014 16:09:38 GMT -5
yes, clearly accepting an invitation and then going underground is inconsiderate. Not responding to a text that basically said something along the lines of missed seeing you tonight, everything OK is inconsiderate. I get that but I think that since this is the first dating I have done since husband died its making it harder to accept since I haven't had much luck meeting single men prior to this one. I am trying to be a grownup and learn from the experience, but it sucks! I'm sorry. How annoying. Is it possible he has social issues? Or, he was just never taught these types of things? Not that you should put up with it, nor it is your responsibility to teach him. You deserve an equal partner, not another child. However, there are a lot of people out there who, while not formally diagnosed with something, do have a hard time reading other people and knowing the socially-acceptable thing to do. Sorry. Just trying to throw an idea out there.
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