My Baby Was Fat-Shamed !

[Jaguar]

Chubby cheeks, pudgy belly and the roly-poly thighs that make up my baby is one of the many things that make her absolutely adorable. Babies are supposed to be like this, that’s why it’s called baby fat, right? I was unaware at how ingrained society’s phobia on fat was until my infant daughter was fat shamed. Yes, you read that right. Fat shamed.

From MSN Lifestyle - www.msn.com/en-ca/lifestyle/family/my-baby-was-fat-shamed/ar-BBg6lsa


Wow do we live in such a weight hate world that attacking a baby & mom is alright ?

Discuss.

[cronewitch]

People need to mind their own business. Some babies are too heavy and some too light but if they have doctor they will talk to the parents. My nephew was a big baby who loved food, a good eater. His mom asked his doctor if he was too fat and he said not to worry about it. She changed doctors when he was 10 months old and he got put on a non fat milk and water diet for a few months. By 4 years old he could eat a whole big mac with shake and fries. Starting 2nd grade he was told to lose 6lbs but don't lose any but was growing 4 inches a year. His parents had to keep him on a diet pretty much his whole childhood. After he got married he got up to about a 4X size size 14 feet.

I don't mind roly-poly babies but some toddlers are over 100lbs at some point that is abusive but only doctors should speak to the parents about it.

My great niece was tiny, had to be returned to the hospital for failure to thrive took her forever to get to 12lbs, her brother was so skinny you could see all his ribs. Now she is thin at 15 and he is filling out at 18 both athletic.

[midjd]

DD is in the 95th percentile for height and weight, so I get those types of comments too. Luckily (for the people making them) not too many. Most strangers just assume she is a lot older than she actually is.

It's distressing that people are putting babies on diets because of comments like these... A high-fat diet is very important for brain development at that age. A chubby baby is not destined for a lifetime of obesity, but a baby put on a low-fat diet may have a lifetime of other issues.

[yogiii]

At her 18 month WBV DD was 97th for both weight and height.  I don't even think she looks chubby.  Ok, most days she has a couple chins and she has chunky thighs but mostly she just looks proportional.  People comment.  However DS was the opposite and for the first 9ish months was a very skinny baby.  Again, comments.  Most of the time people just feel the need to say something and often that something is dumb.  I am very wary of "diets" for kids, even teens.  Healthy eating habits, lowering processed food, increasing fruit/veg intake, ok, I'm fine with that.  However typically things that are labeled "low fat" tend to also be heavily processed.  I don't think that's good for anyone.

[thyme4change]

1)  The lady just watched the Mom try and feed the baby and the baby refused - so the comment, although tasteless and stupid, might have been a reference to that and to weight.

2)  I accidentally find myself more judgmental about "fat babies" when I see the parents are heavy.  I know that such a large part of being a healthy weight is eating habits (assuming a healthy child) and it is sad to me to know that a child may not learn those habits at home.

That said - every extremely heavy person I know is 10x better than me in 5 or 6 ways, so who I am to feel superior?     I can't say that about all those skinny bitches I know  

[giramomma]

Meh. I think it's just ignorance about breastfeeding more than anything else. I'd just shrug my shoulders and move on.

From Kelly Mom kellymom.com/bf/normal/weight-toomuch/

At our school, there's a girls on the run club. Sounds great, right? Their fund raiser is a bake sale featuring brownies and the like...I was a little amused by this.

At our school, too, there's a huge push now to have healthy snacks. One mom got up and said, basically, if a kid brings in a cupcake to celebrate birthdays, that then at night, that kid can't be allowed to have a sweet desert at home after dinner. So, please don't bring in cupcakes, so parents can offer a sweet after dinner to their own children. I was shocked I could keep my mouth shut. But, church isn't the most appropriate place to shout "Oh for F*cks sake!"

People are funny about weight and food/feeding choices. That's all I got.

[Shooby]

I don't think saying "oh she looks like a good eater or very healthy" is "fat shaming". People just make comments like that as way to make conversation. Obviously the lady cooing in a pretend voice about how mom is overfeeding is rude. And, she should have just said "Wow you are some kind of rude".

But, yeah, more of minding one's own business would be a good thing!

[Waffle]

I don't think that the people who are doing the attacking see it as attacking.  I could hear my 74 year old mother saying something like that - she is forever giving mothers of young children unsolicited advice.  She thinks she's being helpful.  And, I've heard women thank her for her advice - so she probably is being helpful sometimes.

Other times, I just cringe. I recall one lady with a girl who was maybe 12 or so.  I don't even remember what the issue was, but the mother had told the girl no and my mother told her should say yes.  Mom was totally unfazed by the evil look that woman gave her.   Another time my mom wanted to give a young boy something and the mother said no, she was trying to teach him that he can't have everything he wants.  Mom insisted and gave it to him anyway.  I could tell the mother wasn't happy, my mother either couldn't tell, or didn't care.  I'm not sure which.

[busymom]

A former neighbor of ours definitely had a chubby baby, with absolute rolls of fat on her thighs & calves. I never said a word, because she wasn't walking yet. And, sure enough, once she started moving around she lost all of that baby fat, & by kindergarten looked like a normal, thin child.

[thyme4change]

My daughter was underweight, so I got the opposite a lot.  Her skin was translucent, so if she had been crying (which infants tend to do) she would look quite sickly.  I don't remember anyone being totally rude about it - but I do remember people making jokes about it being time to eat.  My daughter is still "underweight" but not abnormal.  

[zibazinski]

DS looked like Jabba the Hut at 9 months. He still cringes when he sees that picture. Trust me, no weight issues at any other time. Some kids grow out first then up to match it.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Dec 2, 2014 8:19:49 GMT -5 busymom said:

A former neighbor of ours definitely had a chubby baby, with absolute rolls of fat on her thighs & calves. I never said a word, because she wasn't walking yet. And, sure enough, once she started moving around she lost all of that baby fat, & by kindergarten looked like a normal, thin child.

Yeah, one the babies are moving, they tend to lose the chubbies.  My Mom always swore babies needed a bit of extra weight because that first big illness would take it right off.  It didn't happen with either of mine admittedly.  I would never put babies on a diet.  As was said, they need the nutrients. 

I get frustrated when people critique my kids eating habits but that's because I'm suffering Mommy guilt. 

As for the article, I'm wondering if there's something in the tone or if Mom's got an issue, because some of the comments specifically mentioned don't sound all that offensive to me.  Awkwardly phrased, definitely.  But maybe that's because my babies are now 5 and 6.5 and I'm in my mid 40s?  Or maybe I'm part of the problem. 

[zibazinski]

Considering that I had three K students who outweighed me and those kids were actually 5-6 years old and weighing in at over 120 pounds, there's a concern for heavy kids but most will slim down as they start to walk/run. Of course, some don't but that's another issue.

[973beachbum]

My first thought is people need to learn to shut up!!!

My kids were born big.  So it wasn't like the 10 lb jabba the hut suddenly got skinny at a year.  I used to get more comments about how they weren't talking or acting "their age" type of thing.  One woman actually made the comment in the grocery store that if I put my DD in a program for special kids she could be helped.  I think it is a good thing that I didn't even understand what the woman was saying.  My DD was about 8 months and didnt talk obviously.  She basically just sat in the seat and looked cute smiling at everyone.   The problem in people's mind was that she was almost 25 lbs so obviously she had to be 2-3 years old.  

[Shooby]

Some people look for reasons to be offended. Most cconversation is just meant to be fluff. Just because someone makes a comment doesn't mean they intend any ill will or are implying anything in particular. Or maybe they are.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

OMG did this woman run into my MIL?

She fat shamed me when I was pregnant even though I only gained a perfect 20 lbs. She fat shamed nephew's girlfriend as well when she was pregnant. I chalked it up to a generational thing since back when MIL was pregnant the advice was to gain as little as possible and they even encouraged you to smoke to keep your weight down.


What pisses me off is MIL making comments ALL THE TIME about Gwen "being fat" and Abby being a "little chunk". She constantly tells me I nurse Abby too much or Gwen eats too much. Since the doctor said they are in the 10-17% for weight I am pretty confident my children are not fat.

Then at the same time she's always trying to cram food down their faces! Which one is it? Do we not feed my kids enough or are we feeding them too much?

I told DH he needs to tell his mother to stop it. I don't care what her issues are with food, she's not going to pass them onto my daughters.

[yogiii]

I agree that most conversation is just fluff but I suppose I don't see the point of it.  I typically don't say stuff to random strangers at the store with kids.  Maybe once in a while I'll say something like "She's cute", or if I see a mom looking stressed trying to wrangle a tantruming kid I may say something like "You can go in front of me, I get it, I have two at home", even though my kids generally don't tantrum in public, I'd feel that same embarrassment if they did and want to just get the hell out.

[happyhoix]

I don't think that the people who are doing the attacking see it as attacking. I could hear my 74 year old mother saying something like that - she is forever giving mothers of young children unsolicited advice.

This is my mom, too.

For some reason, some older ladies think because they managed to raise their kids without killing them, they're 'experts.'

Unfortunately my mom is full of old wives tales. Like keep a hat on your baby or wind will get in his ears and he'll get sick. Or how you have to have your kid potty trained at 9 months or your kid will be a bedwetter who lives in your basement the rest of his life. I mostly ignored her, hopefully other young moms do as well.

[milee]

Dec 2, 2014 8:17:18 GMT -5 Waffle said:

I don't think that the people who are doing the attacking see it as attacking.  I could hear my 74 year old mother saying something like that - she is forever giving mothers of young children unsolicited advice.  She thinks she's being helpful.  And, I've heard women thank her for her advice - so she probably is being helpful sometimes.

The harsh truth is not that these women feel your mom has been helpful - it's that these women have been raised to be polite to strangers... even strangers who are being really rude and offering "advice", criticism or adding to the stranger/mom's problems by inserting themselves where they don't belong.

I'm sorry your mom does that; it's got to be tough to be around sometimes if she's that unaware. Hopefully she's not like this to you all the time.

[whoisjohngalt]

What happened to OP??

In any case.....

My youngest is fairly chunky.  My mom says he is slimming down, but I don't see it.  He is just a big, football-player-build baby. 

Since I've been fairly fat lately, I can see someone throwing all kinds of judgy looks my way.  Thank G-d I am not a sensitive type.

However, my pediatrician warned me last year that if my youngest was going to DC/school, it might be harder for him.  Since he is so big, people might assume that he is older and have different expectations.  Even though it doesn't apply to us since he is home with me, it totally broke my heart that babies could be treated badly based on how they look. 

My youngest is 3 now, btw.

[travelnut11]

So I'm 20 weeks pregnant and follow The Bump message boards a bit and recently a soon-to-be-first-time-mom posted in a panic that she'd just had her 20 week ultrasound and the doctor (jokingly I'm sure) told her her baby was measuring ahead and would be the biggest in her class.  This woman totally freaked out and wanted to know how she and her husband (both average-sized) could produce such a large baby and she was really worried because we all know that the world is not kind to "big girls." 

Fat-shaming in utero.  Unbelievable.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Dec 2, 2014 9:22:18 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

What happened to OP??

In any case.....

My youngest is fairly chunky.  My mom says he is slimming down, but I don't see it.  He is just a big, football-player-build baby. 

Since I've been fairly fat lately, I can see someone throwing all kinds of judgy looks my way.  Thank G-d I am not a sensitive type.

However, my pediatrician warned me last year that if my youngest was going to DC/school, it might be harder for him.  Since he is so big, people might assume that he is older and have different expectations.  Even though it doesn't apply to us since he is home with me, it totally broke my heart that babies could be treated badly based on how they look. 

My youngest is 3 now, btw.

I run into some of that with my son.  He's 5.  He's always been at the top of the charts for height and weight.  It seemed worse around 3 Lena because he had the size of an older kid but not the skills.  Now that the skills are catching up, I don't "feel" the looks/expectations.  Or maybe I've just gotten immune to them. 

[ArchietheDragon]

If we don't shame them, how will they know that they are fat?

[milee]

Dec 2, 2014 8:01:23 GMT -5 giramomma said:

At our school, too, there's a huge push now to have healthy snacks. One mom got up and said, basically, if a kid brings in a cupcake to celebrate birthdays, that then at night, that kid can't be allowed to have a sweet desert at home after dinner. So, please don't bring in cupcakes, so parents can offer a sweet after dinner to their own children. I was shocked I could keep my mouth shut. But, church isn't the most appropriate place to shout "Oh for F*cks sake!"

This is a tough issue. My sis and I are wrestling with it at the elementary school of both our kids. Even though the schools are in different states, it's similar issues so maybe it's widespread.  Neither sis nor I are of the type that never lets sugar touch their kids' lips and only feeds them unsweetened, homemade, organic odd stuff. We like cupcakes. Heck, today I'm working on making homemade Peppermint Patties (one of our family traditions). So our families are not cupcake haters at all.

On the other hand, we are teaching our kids about being healthy by not eliminating or forbidding any foods, but instead eating in moderation.  Yes, definitely eat and enjoy that cupcake!  Just don't eat 5 of them in a sitting or eat a cupcake for a snack then have another dessert at lunch and a third at dinner.  It's not really a weight issue at this age - all our boys are tall and skinny - it's about developing eating habits that will sustain them as adults when they're not burning 6000 calories a day, it's about how to avoid cavities and keep healthy teeth and gums, it's about heart health given that there's significant evidence that it's the sugar + highly processed carbs and their resulting constant inflammation that are one of the biggest contributors to heart disease.  So even for skinny kids, there are good reasons not to eat sweets all day long.

My sister first started noticing how many sweets the kids eat at school when her 2nd grader got 3 cavities in a year and she and the dentist couldn't figure out why.  They'd looked at and ruled out all the usual suspects.  Then the dentist asked if little guy ate gummy bears or similar candy since those sticky candies are some of the worst for giving cavities.  My sis answered no, very rarely but little guy piped up that he only ate 5-6 a day at school.  So sis asked where he got them and he explained that the teacher gave them as rewards for good behavior or correct answers.  On the face of it, who would object to a kid getting a single gummy bear as a reward?  Hardly anybody, right?  The problem was arising because when you examined the whole day's activities, it wasn't just one and they started to add up especially over a period of days and weeks.  That's similar to what's going on with the sweets in some classes.  Most people wouldn't object to a cupcake, but the problem is coming in when it's not just a cupcake.  It's a cupcake for a birthday plus the gummies given as a reward in Ms. Smith's class plus the chocolate croissant the French Club sells in the morning plus the dessert at lunch plus....

Just out of curiosity, I spent a little more time in my own son's class and it was surprising over the course of a day how much sugar was handed out and available.  Do I think that schools should outlaw all sugar?  No.  That's not practical and also makes sugar one of those forbidden fruits that will be incredibly tempting to kids.  But on the other hand, if we can encourage schools to reduce the sugar that would be great.       

[happyhoix]

Dec 2, 2014 9:30:17 GMT -5 travelnut11 said:

So I'm 20 weeks pregnant and follow The Bump message boards a bit and recently a soon-to-be-first-time-mom posted in a panic that she'd just had her 20 week ultrasound and the doctor (jokingly I'm sure) told her her baby was measuring ahead and would be the biggest in her class.  This woman totally freaked out and wanted to know how she and her husband (both average-sized) could produce such a large baby and she was really worried because we all know that the world is not kind to "big girls." 

Fat-shaming in utero.  Unbelievable.

Seriously? She ought to go to the neonatal intensive care ward and talk to some of those parents about how nice it would be to give birth to a big healthy baby, as opposed to a tiny premie.

Hope she doesn't keep this up with her daughter - that's a guaranteed eating disorder, if mommy is shaming you for being a 'big girl' right out of the womb.

[andi9899]

I had one of each when the girls were little. Thing 1 was a tiny skinny thing. Thing 2 was a chubby bunny. I always fed them the same, lots of fruits and veggies, almost never any sweets. The doctor told me to give Thing 2 skim milk and Thing 1 whole milk amongst other little differences. One summer, I wanna say when she was around 9 or 10, she shot up and thinned out almost overnight! She did break her leg one year and gained a little weight. But it was nothing major once she was able to walk again.

[Wisconsin Beth]

How odd Milee.  The 1st grade class is snack free.  The b-day treats I hear about tend to be popcorn or a bag of homemade mix (you know, start with cheerios and pretzel sticks and go from there) there might be a mini-cupcake or a couple of cookies but the teacher is VERY anti-sugar and anti-messy foods in her classroom.  She's actually a bit of a pill but she seems to be a solid teacher and oddly, my daughter likes her.  The teacher finds this odd too, by the way, it came up at parent teacher conferences. 

My son's K4 class is different.  I mean, it's K4.  The snacks are supposed to be fairly healthy.  We usually let DS pick a snack pack of pretzels.  I don't believe she rewards with candy for small things during the day.  When DD had her, there was a Friday pickbag that started later in the school year.  If you had 10 tokens, the kid got to pick something out of a bag.  DD came home with small stuffed animals and a tennis ball.  Small, cheap stuff. 

But you've made me curious and I'll have to check. 

[alabamagal]

My middle child was 10 1/2 lbs at birth.  He was always in 99th percentile weight, and usually 90% height!  He was chubby.

When he was a year old and 22 lbs he got a stomach virus and lost 2 lbs.  That was 10% of his body weight and suddenly looked skinny.  He stayed skinny through growing up and is now 6'1" and 145 lbs.

Chubby babies can turn into skinny people.

[whoisjohngalt]

Ironically, I am a lot more worried about my oldest.  He was the tiniest baby and now is very skinny, but he is a carbon copy for my husband and that entire family is fat fat fat.   My husband said that he started getting fat around 7-8 yrs old.  I know a lot of it had to do with not liking his school and his mother, the brilliant mind that she is would feed him donuts on the way to school.  And the diet they kept at home was horrible.

But if genes have anything to do with it, I am worried that my oldest will have lots of problems with weight.

My youngest actually takes after my side of the family, so I am hoping he will slim down later.

I am curious if  there is an equal-opportunity fat shaming going on  for girls and boys.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

MIL fat shames DH (he actually is overweight). She says some pretty mean things to him sometimes.

The thing that boggles my brain is she thinks she is HELPING by saying these things to DH. She has no clue whatsoever that she's verbally abusing him.

I want to punch her in the face when she gets on her soapbox. #1 he's my husband and I don't like him being talked to like that #2 I can't fathom saying some of the things she does to my kids, you're not supposed to do that to your kids.