why get married?

[Firebird]

Except for the 50%+ people who voted yes for prop 8.

I was kidding...  I don't find California particularly non-judgmental on the whole.  Though there are certainly worse states. 

[NoNamePerson]

Nov 14, 2014 12:36:56 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

But you can get all that without getting married if you're willing to do legwork to get the proper paperwork in order. Which Honey has done. So what difference does it make in that case? The only difference is she has multiple pieces of paper whereas I have a marriage license.

Now if you're not bothering to do any paperwork and don't live in a state that recognizes common law marriage, then yes I agree you could be putting yourself at risk. My BFF is screwed if her boyfriend decides to skip town. 

I have a friend whose mother went thru a common law divorce. It didn't seem much more than the same thing I went thru with a divorce from a so called legal marriage with a slip of paper.

[sesfw]

Except for the 50%+ people who voted yes for prop 8.

What was prop 8 about?  I moved from Calif in 1974 and never looked back.  The big argument at that time was prop 13, and I still hear remnants of screams about that one.

[ArchietheDragon]

Nov 14, 2014 13:04:45 GMT -5 sesfw said:

Except for the 50%+ people who voted yes for prop 8.

What was prop 8 about?  I moved from Calif in 1974 and never looked back.  The big argument at that time was prop 13, and I still hear remnants of screams about that one.

ballot proposition to change the California constitution defining marriage as between a man and a woman.   It passed with about 52% of the vote. 

[cktc]

Nov 14, 2014 12:36:56 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

But you can get all that without getting married if you're willing to do legwork to get the proper paperwork in order. Which Honey has done. So what difference does it make in that case? The only difference is she has multiple pieces of paper whereas I have a marriage license.

Now if you're not bothering to do any paperwork and don't live in a state that recognizes common law marriage, then yes I agree you could be putting yourself at risk. My BFF is screwed if her boyfriend decides to skip town. 

It really doesn't make much difference, the government still ends up involved. 

It would be kind of neat if you could designate a non government entity like a family pastor or counselor to arbitrate, but you'd probably still need the government to enforce any agreement.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I just find it interesting that posters (not you cktc) are going on about not being committed if you don't have a marriage license.

I'd say you have to be pretty committed to sign a bunch of forms that equate to having a marriage license. Legally binding is legally binding.  The only difference between me and Honey is my form has "marriage license" stamped at the top.   Why does that somehow make me more committed and invested in my relationship than she is in hers?


That all being said, DH never would have agreed to not getting married even if we had everything drawn up. He's also of the mindset that it isn't "official" and we're not "committed" without that piece of paper. So meh, I went with it.

[whoisjohngalt]

Nov 14, 2014 11:10:05 GMT -5 HoneyBBQ said:

Also, it "clarifies: that our DD is "ours". Not that it REALLY matters, but when describing our situation, it's easier than saying "permanent in our lives baby daddy" or whatever.

And if I were a SAHM or something the situation would be different. I WOULD probably want to be married so I had legal rights to his money in the terms of alimony. But we make the same so I really don't need alimony. And as far as child support is concerned; he's already on the hook for that.

Doesn't help me at all!  I've been asked if my boys are my husband's.  I've been asked if I am their nanny.  I've been asked if they all are from my husband.  I've been asked if they are adopted or twins or triplets. 

Turns out that the fact that we are legally married doesn't stop people from asking anything and assuming all kinds of things

Anyway, I just find the whole thing interesting on a few levels.

First, it doesn't seem to be just about what to call someone or thousands of gay people wouldn't have been fighting to be officially married. 

Second, the popular opinion is that words and titles matter.  So, assigning a word that means A to something that is not A seem to contradict that whole mind set. 

And lastly, as I mentioned, if "you" don't care about actual marriage, why would it matter if a stranger/acquaintance/coworker thinks you are or you are not.

Anywhoooo, thank you Knee Deep in Water Chloe and HoneyBBQ for answering.  Always like to hear opinions and stories.

[Firebird]

First, it doesn't seem to be just about what to call someone or thousands of gay people wouldn't have been fighting to be officially married.

I don't think that's why they're fighting for the right to be officially married... sure, the "term" is probably a part of it but most of it is that some of them want a legal bond with their partner much like many straight people want a legal bond with their partner.

And lastly, as I mentioned, if "you" don't care about actual marriage, why would it matter if a stranger/acquaintance/coworker thinks you are or you are not.

Sometimes the fact that you don't care about something doesn't stop the world from caring more than enough for both of you. 

[HoneyBBQ]

I'm an introvert. I don't want to talk to people more than I have to.

So saying something obvious (this is my husband) HOPEFULLY eliminates questions/etc.

[whoisjohngalt]

Nov 14, 2014 13:35:45 GMT -5 HoneyBBQ said:

I'm an introvert. I don't want to talk to people more than I have to.

So saying something obvious (this is my husband) HOPEFULLY eliminates questions/etc.

You must be saying things in a much nicer way than I do, bc saying even obvious things doesn't stop people from asking me all kinds of stupid questions.

[CarolinaKat]

Nov 13, 2014 23:19:48 GMT -5 HoneyBBQ said:

Nov 13, 2014 20:58:36 GMT -5 whoisjohngalt said:

See, this is the part that I don't get.  If you don't want to get married, why call him your husband?  Why not a "partner"?

Isn't husband, by indention, a person you married to?

I should probably look that up....

I explained in a previous post. The term "husband" is a social term to me. Marriage is a legal one.

I call DH 'Mine' when I introduce him. As in, 'oh this is *IndianaCat* and he's mine'


As a Note: I married DH because his employer (the Army) treats single soldiers like they are irresponsible idiots and imposes bull s*** restrictions on them. He also was not allowed to help take care of me when I was really sick, because unless you are married and in the Army's system, they won't let him care for me. I was in a nasty car wreck and he couldn't come to where I was. Luckily a neighbor could. The wedding was awesome and I had a really good time and would get married again, but the piece of paper/marriage ceremony didn't really change anything for me. We are as we were before, but with more protections.

[Deleted]

Nov 14, 2014 11:12:53 GMT -5 HoneyBBQ said:

And you can't think of any circumstances when it's easier when introduced to just say "husband" as opposed to "same sex partner I've been living with and procreating with for years?"  

Pretty sure same sex couples can't procreate.

[cronewitch]

I call mine ISO here and boyfriend in real life. I wouldn't ever call him husband just on the off chance that I could be stuck with a common law marriage. Marriage gives rights and responsibilities dating or living together does and in some states you can be married by simply allowing yourself to be seen as married. Common law marriage is marriage so you would have all the same rights and responsibilities. Some people don't take it seriously and even refer to someone as a common law spouse when they aren't in a common law state.

Another thing with not being married is you aren't a step parent to the children of your partner. My nieces daughter called daddies girl friend my other mom and her mom had to explain she was no kind of mother she is our friend. It would be easier for the woman if she could introduce the child as her step daughter instead of saying a friend, not related in any way.

[goldensam]

Nov 14, 2014 11:49:25 GMT -5 Firebird said:

If I say fiance (we technically did get engaged and I wear a ring), people ask when we are getting married.

goldensam, I'm just curious about this - when you got engaged, were you thinking about marriage and then you changed your minds? 

Yes. We even had a tentative date set. We just never got around to it.

[sesfw]

ballot proposition to change the California constitution defining marriage as between a man and a woman. It passed with about 52% of the vote.

I seem to remember something about that.  Is that the one where a gay federal judge in Calif said the people didn't know what they were talking about and over ruled it?

A judge going against the will of the people.

 

[midjd]

Nov 14, 2014 17:55:50 GMT -5 sesfw said:

ballot proposition to change the California constitution defining marriage as between a man and a woman. It passed with about 52% of the vote.

I seem to remember something about that.  Is that the one where a gay federal judge in Calif said the people didn't know what they were talking about and over ruled it?

A judge going against the will of the people.

 

If the "will of the people" is codified in an unconstitutional law, a judge has every right to overrule it.

[zibazinski]

I'm doing it because legal papers did not protect me or DF in the hospital and because he wants it. He's actually excited that we're doing it. I can't imagine why. The thought makes me want to "just get it over with" like a colonoscopy

[Firebird]

Nov 17, 2014 12:11:26 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

I'm doing it because legal papers did not protect me or DF in the hospital and because he wants it. He's actually excited that we're doing it. I can't imagine why. The thought makes me want to "just get it over with" like a colonoscopy

Aww.  I'm sure he's excited to marry you because he wants to be with you and the legal bond matters to him!  I'm sorry that it's not a happier thing for you, though.

However it happens, I'm really glad you two ended up together after so much time apart.  I love happy endings. 

[zibazinski]

I know and it makes sense. Just today some paper expired at the doctors office designating me to get info and pick up stuff for him. So I had to fill it all out for him to sign and he was all happy that he never has to do that again. I'm not sure being a legal wife negates having to grant permission for his info or not.

[CarolinaKat]

Nov 17, 2014 12:29:01 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

I know and it makes sense. Just today some paper expired at the doctors office designating me to get info and pick up stuff for him. So I had to fill it all out for him to sign and he was all happy that he never has to do that again. I'm not sure being a legal wife negates having to grant permission for his info or not.

I still have to fill it out for all my civilian doctors to grant my husband access

[zibazinski]

Well, it's going to be interesting.