goldensam
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Post by goldensam on Nov 14, 2014 8:11:52 GMT -5
DP (Dear Partner) and I have been living together for over 5 years. He's been married once and I've never been married. He has two children from his previous marriage. At this point, we have no intentions of getting married. Never say never, I know, but not at this point. That said, we are fully committed to each other. We have built our life together.
My mother, on the other hand, has been married many times. Closer to 10 than 0. Four of those marriages have produced children. It looks like she'll be going through another divorce in the near future.
That piece of paper, while very important to some and I respect that, means diddly squat if you aren't committed.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2014 8:32:21 GMT -5
DP (Dear Partner) and I have been living together for over 5 years. He's been married once and I've never been married. He has two children from his previous marriage. At this point, we have no intentions of getting married. Never say never, I know, but not at this point. That said, we are fully committed to each other. We have built our life together. My mother, on the other hand, has been married many times. Closer to 10 than 0. Four of those marriages have produced children. It looks like she'll be going through another divorce in the near future. That piece of paper, while very important to some and I respect that, means diddly squat if you aren't committed.I don't know. That little piece of paper meant my ex was legally bound to continue supporting me and our 18 month old when he decided to take off with another woman and in the divorce I was entitled to half our assets. I was a SAHM and would have been up a creek had we not been married and he just left.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 14, 2014 9:04:31 GMT -5
He was legally bound to support your child with him anyway and if you bought property together, you'd still get your share.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2014 9:16:31 GMT -5
He was legally bound to support your child with him anyway and if you bought property together, you'd still get your share. No, I mean he was legally bound to take care of ME until everything was settled in the divorce. He had to continue making the house payments and providing an income for the house. It was about a year and half from the time he left until I finished my degree and got back into the work force. My name was on the house, but it could have just as easily been a situation where he was the sole owner.
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goldensam
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Post by goldensam on Nov 14, 2014 9:16:45 GMT -5
DP (Dear Partner) and I have been living together for over 5 years. He's been married once and I've never been married. He has two children from his previous marriage. At this point, we have no intentions of getting married. Never say never, I know, but not at this point. That said, we are fully committed to each other. We have built our life together. My mother, on the other hand, has been married many times. Closer to 10 than 0. Four of those marriages have produced children. It looks like she'll be going through another divorce in the near future. That piece of paper, while very important to some and I respect that, means diddly squat if you aren't committed.I don't know. That little piece of paper meant my ex was legally bound to continue supporting me and our 18 month old when he decided to take off with another woman and in the divorce I was entitled to half our assets. I was a SAHM and would have been up a creek had we not been married and he just left. Legally bound still doesn't mean they will do it. Only one of our biological fathers (there are four of them) has ever paid a dime in child support, even with court orders and threats of jail.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 14, 2014 9:21:45 GMT -5
I'm living proof of that. My ex was ordered to pay both alimony and CS. Never got a dime of either. Legally married doesn't mean dick to a dick. Your ex could have bolted to whatever country new woman was from and never paid a dime either. Don't even have to leave the country to never pay.
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goldensam
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Post by goldensam on Nov 14, 2014 9:35:38 GMT -5
I'm with MPL. And I too wonder why you would call a person husband and wife if not married
Speaking only for me: because sometimes it's just easier. If I say fiance (we technically did get engaged and I wear a ring), people ask when we are getting married. The answer of "never" usually throws them for a loop. If I say partner, I sometimes get very obvious reactions from judgmental people who assume he is a she. If I say husband, I don't have to answer 100 questions about our relationship that 9.9 times out of 10, aren't relevant anyway.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Nov 14, 2014 9:36:35 GMT -5
I also don't get why someone would use the terms husband/wife if not married, but I also believe that using people's chosen terms for each other is a matter of respect. ETA: I understand why it would be easier to avoid judgment by using the terms everyone understands to mean "permanent life partner." We should all start calling each other Schmoopy
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Nov 14, 2014 9:37:33 GMT -5
I understand why you would call someone your husband/wife if you aren't married. You don't want the busybody nosebag nosy Nellie judgmental twits giving you crap about something that isn't their business.
I trust HoneyBBQ knows when it's important to tell me if the guy she is with is actually her husband. When we meet at a party? No. If she's consulting me as an attorney handling his estate, yes. Otherwise, it's none of my business.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2014 9:37:36 GMT -5
I don't know. That little piece of paper meant my ex was legally bound to continue supporting me and our 18 month old when he decided to take off with another woman and in the divorce I was entitled to half our assets. I was a SAHM and would have been up a creek had we not been married and he just left. Legally bound still doesn't mean they will do it. Only one of our biological fathers (there are four of them) has ever paid a dime in child support, even with court orders and threats of jail. I get there are dicks that don't care, but I would think more people are worried about jail and legal ramifications than not. And were your mother's child support issues a long time ago? Because damn they seem to be efficient at hunting them down and making them pay now. You pretty much have to work completely under the table. Any reported wages are garnished and they don't just threaten with jail in our state. If you owe over 5K, that's your new home. They will let you out to go to work though (so they can garnish it).
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goldensam
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Post by goldensam on Nov 14, 2014 9:39:56 GMT -5
Legally bound still doesn't mean they will do it. Only one of our biological fathers (there are four of them) has ever paid a dime in child support, even with court orders and threats of jail. I get there are dicks that don't care, but I would think more people are worried about jail and legal ramifications than not. And were your mother's child support issues a long time ago? Because damn they seem to be efficient at hunting them down and making them pay now. You pretty much have to work completely under the table. Any reported wages are garnished and they don't just threaten with jail in our state. If you owe over 5K, that's your new home. They will let you out to go to work though (so they can garnish it). I am 30 and the youngest is in elementary school, so the child support issues have been going on steadily for about 28 years, even up to today.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2014 9:50:44 GMT -5
I get there are dicks that don't care, but I would think more people are worried about jail and legal ramifications than not. And were your mother's child support issues a long time ago? Because damn they seem to be efficient at hunting them down and making them pay now. You pretty much have to work completely under the table. Any reported wages are garnished and they don't just threaten with jail in our state. If you owe over 5K, that's your new home. They will let you out to go to work though (so they can garnish it). I am 30 and the youngest is in elementary school, so the child support issues have been going on steadily for about 28 years, even up to today. Ugh. That sucks. My youngest son's dad is an addict, he has a history of irresponsible behavior that has landed him in jail more than once and doesn't pay much attention to court orders but as long as he's employed I can be pretty confident the child support will come in. I would never trust him to not go through the state though. I'll gladly pay them the 2% cut to handle it.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Nov 14, 2014 9:50:51 GMT -5
I understand why you would call someone your husband/wife if you aren't married. You don't want the busybody nosebag nosy Nellie judgmental twits giving you crap about something that isn't their business.
I trust HoneyBBQ knows when it's important to tell me if the guy she is with is actually her husband. When we meet at a party? No. If she's consulting me as an attorney handling his estate, yes. Otherwise, it's none of my business. And that's yet another think I don't get - why would you care? My kids are not in school. So, whenever anyone asks my 6 yr old what grade he is in - he says he is not in any grade bc he doesn't go to school. And then I get the "look" or a comment. Not often, but it happens. While I tell him that he should be polite enough not to ignore the question itself, there is no reason to go into any details.
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Cookies Galore
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Post by Cookies Galore on Nov 14, 2014 9:53:35 GMT -5
I also don't get why someone would use the terms husband/wife if not married, but I also believe that using people's chosen terms for each other is a matter of respect. ETA: I understand why it would be easier to avoid judgment by using the terms everyone understands to mean "permanent life partner." We should all start calling each other Schmoopy I call hubs Schmoopy! And Beardface. And Stinky. We have friends who have been together for 14 years. They refer to each other as husband/wife. No one bats an eye. To me, it's just a word. Yeah, I'm married but I don't think my relationship post-marriage is any better than pre-marriage. Marriage is just a thing we did. My best friend is my wifey. We aren't married. I hope no one gets confused.
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goldensam
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Post by goldensam on Nov 14, 2014 9:58:34 GMT -5
I understand why you would call someone your husband/wife if you aren't married. You don't want the busybody nosebag nosy Nellie judgmental twits giving you crap about something that isn't their business.
I trust HoneyBBQ knows when it's important to tell me if the guy she is with is actually her husband. When we meet at a party? No. If she's consulting me as an attorney handling his estate, yes. Otherwise, it's none of my business. And that's yet another think I don't get - why would you care?My kids are not in school. So, whenever anyone asks my 6 yr old what grade he is in - he says he is not in any grade bc he doesn't go to school. And then I get the "look" or a comment. Not often, but it happens. While I tell him that he should be polite enough not to ignore the question itself, there is no reason to go into any details. I live and work in a very conservative, religious area, in a state where it's still legal to fire someone for being gay. It's just a (unfortunate, infuriating) fact that I am judged for many things, including my relationship choices. Add to that the fact that I do not want kids (and am likely sterile anyway), and I'm practically the devil around here. Sometimes it's easier to just use the words that make them happy.
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cktc
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Post by cktc on Nov 14, 2014 11:05:08 GMT -5
DP (Dear Partner) and I have been living together for over 5 years. He's been married once and I've never been married. He has two children from his previous marriage. At this point, we have no intentions of getting married. Never say never, I know, but not at this point. That said, we are fully committed to each other. We have built our life together. My mother, on the other hand, has been married many times. Closer to 10 than 0. Four of those marriages have produced children. It looks like she'll be going through another divorce in the near future. That piece of paper, while very important to some and I respect that, means diddly squat if you aren't committed.I don't know. That little piece of paper meant my ex was legally bound to continue supporting me and our 18 month old when he decided to take off with another woman and in the divorce I was entitled to half our assets. I was a SAHM and would have been up a creek had we not been married and he just left. This is exactly what I'm talking about when I say I can't fully commit without marriage. The person you fall in love with is not the same person when you break up. They get replaced by a pod person and could care less about honoring commitments made during the good times of a relationship. I guess I like that if things go sour a neutral party can arbitrate.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Nov 14, 2014 11:06:18 GMT -5
I explained in a previous post. The term "husband" is a social term to me. Marriage is a legal one. OK, just read your previous post. But the thing is, you are not explaining the term to yourself, you are explaining it to someone else. I would think that anyone who hears the term "husband" will think of you as a legally married couple. If marriage doesn't matter to you, why make people think that you are legally married? Because I don't want to have to explain myself. A "husband" or "spouse" describes the type of relationship we have. And I don't care if other people think we are legally married or not. That's fine.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 14, 2014 11:09:06 GMT -5
A neutral party can arbitrate but they can't force him to pay for anything. If he goes off the grid or deliberately takes low paying jobs good luck getting what was settled for.
Look at all the stories on here about child support. Marriage can make the horse be led to water, but it still can't make it drink.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Nov 14, 2014 11:10:05 GMT -5
Also, it "clarifies: that our DD is "ours". Not that it REALLY matters, but when describing our situation, it's easier than saying "permanent in our lives baby daddy" or whatever. And if I were a SAHM or something the situation would be different. I WOULD probably want to be married so I had legal rights to his money in the terms of alimony. But we make the same so I really don't need alimony. And as far as child support is concerned; he's already on the hook for that.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 14, 2014 11:12:53 GMT -5
it's easier than saying "permanent in our lives baby daddy" or whatever. But that would get so much funnier reactions.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Nov 14, 2014 11:12:53 GMT -5
And I too wonder why you would call a person husband and wife if not married
Why not? I call him "honey" too, but he is not, literally, a pot of honey. It's just a word describing a person to me. And you can't think of any circumstances when it's easier when introduced to just say "husband" as opposed to "same sex partner I've been living with and procreating with for years?"
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Nov 14, 2014 11:13:46 GMT -5
it's easier than saying "permanent in our lives baby daddy" or whatever. But that would get so much funnier reactions. Maybe I'll just use that next time. Or sperm donor. Or symbiant. I mean, honestly, this can just go on and on. I'm not AGAINST marriage, therefore I'm not against using the language. I'm just damn LAZY!!!
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 14, 2014 11:16:45 GMT -5
I say make up a list of terms to use to call your DH. Then hand it to people you are introduced to and say "We're not married, please pick a term from the list given so I know what you're comfortable with me calling him." Or is that being too much of a passive aggressive beyotch?
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Nov 14, 2014 11:23:37 GMT -5
I'd go with lovaaah.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Nov 14, 2014 11:49:25 GMT -5
If I say fiance (we technically did get engaged and I wear a ring), people ask when we are getting married.goldensam, I'm just curious about this - when you got engaged, were you thinking about marriage and then you changed your minds?
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Nov 14, 2014 11:53:24 GMT -5
And you can't think of any circumstances when it's easier when introduced to just say "husband" as opposed to "same sex partner I've been living with an procreating with for years?"
To me, the terms "partner" and "husband/wife" are basically synonymous (socially speaking). One of my former work buddies used to refer to his husband as his partner before they got married. Then after they got married, he switched to husband. Occasionally he still referred to his "partner" out of habit (and then said "Whoops! Husband now... I'm glad he wasn't here to hear that!" which cracked me up). But anyway, if we're at a party and you walk up to me with your Schmoopy and introduce him/her as your partner, I'm going to assume you guys are married or whatever your personal equivalent to that is. Same as I would assume if you used husband/wife. So to me, they're kind of the same thing. However, I do live in California - the land of hippies and free love and all that. No one judges here!
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cktc
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Post by cktc on Nov 14, 2014 12:20:29 GMT -5
A neutral party can arbitrate but they can't force him to pay for anything. If he goes off the grid or deliberately takes low paying jobs good luck getting what was settled for. Look at all the stories on here about child support. Marriage can make the horse be led to water, but it still can't make it drink. Of course there is no guarantee, but you have to admit that for the average person the odds of collecting something, anything in return, is greater with a legal agreement than without one. Once someone has broken a commitment, all other commitments go out the window. You can't count on that person to look out for your interests out of the goodness of their heart. It is amazing how quickly ours becomes mine and promises become forgotten. If we are both completely comfortable and independent on our own, no sacrifice is required to be together, and there is an abundance of wealth, opportunity, goodwill, and good fortune, then fine, no skin off my back either way, but if there is a chance of either party being devastated when parting ways, marriage is a comforting provision. At least it is for me.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 14, 2014 12:36:56 GMT -5
But you can get all that without getting married if you're willing to do legwork to get the proper paperwork in order. Which Honey has done. So what difference does it make in that case? The only difference is she has multiple pieces of paper whereas I have a marriage license.
Now if you're not bothering to do any paperwork and don't live in a state that recognizes common law marriage, then yes I agree you could be putting yourself at risk. My BFF is screwed if her boyfriend decides to skip town.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Nov 14, 2014 12:37:40 GMT -5
However, I do live in California - the land of hippies and free love and all that. No one judges here! Except for the 50%+ people who voted yes for prop 8.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Nov 14, 2014 12:38:04 GMT -5
I say make up a list of terms to use to call your DH. Then hand it to people you are introduced to and say "We're not married, please pick a term from the list given so I know what you're comfortable with me calling him." And if that fails, just make out with your [insert chosen term here] really graphically right in front of them.
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