Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Nov 13, 2014 12:59:34 GMT -5
It' just how it was - you get married. Oh sure, you can cheat and then get divorce, but you get married first I'm the same way, the legal commitment matters to me partially because I wouldn't have felt comfortable having kids without it (and we wanted kids) and partially because it just does. Like I said, I can't really explain why. The great thing is I don't have to explain it. It's such a personal and often emotional thing that it's really not the business of anyone except you and your partner. If someone doesn't want to be legally married, that's just as legitimate as me wanting to be legally married. The main thing is that we should all have the right to choose whether legal commitment to our life partner is something we want or not. I'm very impatient for every state to catch up to this fairly obvious point.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 13, 2014 13:41:45 GMT -5
I'm committed to DF. I'd rather not be married but it's what he wants and given that the legal documents I have that should protect me did not while he was in the hospital I'm going to acquiesce. Trust me, if I were the kind of person that left when things got rough, a marriage license wouldn't stop me.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Nov 13, 2014 13:43:53 GMT -5
I'm committed to DF. I'd rather not be married but it's what he wants and given that the legal documents I have that should protect me did not while he was in the hospital I'm going to acquiesce. Trust me, if I were the kind of person that left when things got rough, a marriage license wouldn't stop me. You are in a much different situation, Zib. There is so much antagonism going on in that family, that I don't blame you in the least.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 13, 2014 13:46:57 GMT -5
It' just how it was - you get married. Oh sure, you can cheat and then get divorce, but you get married first I'm the same way, the legal commitment matters to me partially because I wouldn't have felt comfortable having kids without it (and we wanted kids) and partially because it just does. Like I said, I can't really explain why. The great thing is I don't have to explain it. It's such a personal and often emotional thing that it's really not the business of anyone except you and your partner. If someone doesn't want to be legally married, that's just as legitimate as me wanting to be legally married. The main thing is that we should all have the right to choose whether legal commitment to our life partner is something we want or not. I'm very impatient for every state to catch up to this fairly obvious point. Besides the fact that I don't like the girlfriend/boyfriend titles at this age, I just felt different married. Maybe it's just an insecurity of mine, but for whatever reason. I much preferred the wife status. But, lord knows, I'm not a poster child for why marriage is a good idea.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 13, 2014 13:48:36 GMT -5
Isn't it a shame? After all he has done for all of them, to repay him the way they do. They want him to be as unhappy as they all are and it kills them that he isn't. He actually had a couple that I'm not sorry to say bye bye to, him/us because their marriage sucks and they can't stand to be around us. Going out with them used to be like going out with two people who had sucked on lemons.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 13, 2014 13:51:41 GMT -5
We don't use boyfriend and girlfriend. We call each other husband and wife, in our minds and hearts, we have been for the last 5 years. I found out from his secretary that years ago even when he was married (although unhappily) he told her the only woman he ever loved was living in Florida. She just told me that the other day. Wow.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Nov 13, 2014 18:03:38 GMT -5
It' just how it was - you get married. Oh sure, you can cheat and then get divorce, but you get married first I'm the same way, the legal commitment matters to me partially because I wouldn't have felt comfortable having kids without it (and we wanted kids) and partially because it just does. Like I said, I can't really explain why. The great thing is I don't have to explain it. It's such a personal and often emotional thing that it's really not the business of anyone except you and your partner. If someone doesn't want to be legally married, that's just as legitimate as me wanting to be legally married. The main thing is that we should all have the right to choose whether legal commitment to our life partner is something we want or not. I'm very impatient for every state to catch up to this fairly obvious point. Besides the fact that I don't like the girlfriend/boyfriend titles at this age, I just felt different married. Maybe it's just an insecurity of mine, but for whatever reason. I much preferred the wife status. But, lord knows, I'm not a poster child for why marriage is a good idea. Funny when I was living with someone I never introduced him as my boyfriend. I introduced him by his name and he introduced me by my name. Guess I never felt the need to "explain" to total stranger what the relationship was. Color me strange I guess
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Nov 13, 2014 18:11:32 GMT -5
I don't use boyfriend/girlfriend titles either. He gets called TD, and I get called Mich (or wench, as he called me on the phone this morning). One of his coworkers overheard him and took him to task for that!
Anyone who needs to know, already knows who he is in my life. I don't explain to anyone else.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Nov 13, 2014 18:44:40 GMT -5
That describes it pretty good John, I think its from our prospective of what we are used to.
In certain situations, an unwillingness to marry definitely indicates a lack of commitment. I think there's a big difference between "would not marry anyone ever for personal reasons" and "would not marry this person specifically because XYZ."
If DH had some huge personal hangup about getting married, that would be one thing. We'd have to work around that and try to find a compromise, because I wouldn't want to do anything he didn't feel good about doing.
However, his attitude about marriage used to be pretty much "meh, I don't really think marriage means anything but I'm not opposed to it." If he had this attitude and wouldn't marry me, I definitely would take that as a sign that he hadn't fully committed to me or our relationship. Because if you say you're committed to me as my life partner and you have no personal issues with marriage, it shouldn't be a problem to demonstrate that commitment in the way that is important to me.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 13, 2014 18:46:42 GMT -5
But I think kids that have parents that aren't married are also less likely to get married and likely take the commitment lightly.
My ex (same religion) left me (for the mistress I didn't know he had) when our kids were 6, 4 and 1 month old.
My (now) DH (different religion) was an SO and a great dad to our child, and a great stepdad to the three my ex left when they were 6, 4 and 1 mo old. We finally got married, years later.
I like being married too, but frankly, I can't believe people still think like this. Marriage does NOT stop people from running off with the Next Best Thing, and not being married does NOT mean that people are not committed to the relationship / each other, and to their children.
We all LIKE to think that religion imparts certain values, but that's not always the case.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Nov 13, 2014 18:46:56 GMT -5
I refer to him as my H on here, and in real life. Or spouse.
Partner and boyfriend have different meanings IMO.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Nov 13, 2014 18:49:14 GMT -5
Another example - a friend of mine has been living with her boyfriend for the past five or six years. The boyfriend is violently opposed to marriage. My friend is okay with not getting married IF he is willing to take necessary steps to safeguard their commitment to each other, much like HoneyBBQ and her DH. 401k beneficiaries, life insurance, POA, wills, etc. However, if he were unwilling to do those things, she would (rightly) take it as a lack of commitment to her and the relationship because that would basically be his version of marriage and if he wasn't willing to "marry" her in his preferred way as an alternative to legal marriage, then that would really mean he wasn't willing to be committed to her. If that makes sense.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Nov 13, 2014 18:50:48 GMT -5
I refer to him as my H on here, and in real life. Or spouse. Partner and boyfriend have different meanings IMO. Sorry! Edited accordingly. Out of curiosity, how do you define partner and boyfriend?
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Nov 13, 2014 18:56:36 GMT -5
I got married for the health insurance and the big party. And new towels.
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cktc
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Post by cktc on Nov 13, 2014 18:57:10 GMT -5
Besides the fact that I don't like the girlfriend/boyfriend titles at this age, I just felt different married. Maybe it's just an insecurity of mine, but for whatever reason. I much preferred the wife status. But, lord knows, I'm not a poster child for why marriage is a good idea. Funny when I was living with someone I never introduced him as my boyfriend. I introduced him by his name and he introduced me by my name. Guess I never felt the need to "explain" to total stranger what the relationship was. Color me strange I guess I wish I could side step "boyfriend" completely, but how do you refer to them when they aren't with you, or when the people you are talking to have no idea who Mike is? Early on you can use "the guy I'm seeing" but after a point it sounds like the relationship isn't all that serious. It's not THAT big of a deal to say boyfriend, but after a few years and a certain age it does start to sound silly.
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cktc
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Post by cktc on Nov 13, 2014 19:00:57 GMT -5
I refer to him as my H on here, and in real life. Or spouse. Partner and boyfriend have different meanings IMO. Sorry! Edited accordingly. Out of curiosity, how do you define partner and boyfriend? When I hear partner I think same sex spouse, or business partner, depending on context.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Nov 13, 2014 19:07:51 GMT -5
I refer to him as my H on here, and in real life. Or spouse. Partner and boyfriend have different meanings IMO. Sorry! Edited accordingly. Out of curiosity, how do you define partner and boyfriend? It's my mental definition -- no more. Usually if someone says partner I assume they are the same gender... or a business partner lol. boyfriend = it's not serious
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Nov 13, 2014 19:08:26 GMT -5
I got married for the health insurance and the big party. And new towels. Hmmm, I need new towels.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Nov 13, 2014 19:14:28 GMT -5
I got married for the health insurance and the big party. And new towels. Hmmm, I need new towels. Me too, when it comes to that. And linens. Can I have another wedding? Maybe say the first one wasn't legal so we need to do it again?
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 13, 2014 20:38:54 GMT -5
I'm okay with towels. New sheets would be good.
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Cookies Galore
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Post by Cookies Galore on Nov 13, 2014 20:44:24 GMT -5
I'm okay with towels. New sheets would be good. Our sheets and bedding we recieved are ridiculously awesome. Everyone needs a registry at some point in their life!
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Nov 13, 2014 20:58:36 GMT -5
I refer to him as my H on here, and in real life. Or spouse. Partner and boyfriend have different meanings IMO. See, this is the part that I don't get. If you don't want to get married, why call him your husband? Why not a "partner"? Isn't husband, by definition, a person you married to? I should probably look that up....
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 13, 2014 22:03:04 GMT -5
Besides the fact that I don't like the girlfriend/boyfriend titles at this age, I just felt different married. Maybe it's just an insecurity of mine, but for whatever reason. I much preferred the wife status. But, lord knows, I'm not a poster child for why marriage is a good idea. Funny when I was living with someone I never introduced him as my boyfriend. I introduced him by his name and he introduced me by my name. Guess I never felt the need to "explain" to total stranger what the relationship was. Color me strange I guess I guess I'm not thinking about explaining anything to strangers. Most of the time if I'm the one introducing, it's because they both know me, but not each other and establishing the relationship and where they fit in just seems like a natural thing to do. Is this "Joe" next to me my boyfriend, my husband, my son, my brother, my Tae Bo instructor?? No, they don't "need" to know, but in social situations it's helpful. I mean, just think how differently you would act around some hot guy if you knew the girl next to him was his sister and not his wife.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Nov 13, 2014 23:19:48 GMT -5
I refer to him as my H on here, and in real life. Or spouse. Partner and boyfriend have different meanings IMO. See, this is the part that I don't get. If you don't want to get married, why call him your husband? Why not a "partner"? Isn't husband, by indention, a person you married to? I should probably look that up.... I explained in a previous post. The term "husband" is a social term to me. Marriage is a legal one.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Nov 13, 2014 23:26:01 GMT -5
See, this is the part that I don't get. If you don't want to get married, why call him your husband? Why not a "partner"? Isn't husband, by indention, a person you married to? I should probably look that up.... I explained in a previous post. The term "husband" is a social term to me. Marriage is a legal one. OK, just read your previous post. But the thing is, you are not explaining the term to yourself, you are explaining it to someone else. I would think that anyone who hears the term "husband" will think of you as a legally married couple. If marriage doesn't matter to you, why make people think that you are legally married?
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Nov 14, 2014 0:32:53 GMT -5
I explained in a previous post. The term "husband" is a social term to me. Marriage is a legal one. OK, just read your previous post. But the thing is, you are not explaining the term to yourself, you are explaining it to someone else. I would think that anyone who hears the term "husband" will think of you as a legally married couple. If marriage doesn't matter to you, why make people think that you are legally married? I haven't read this entire thread, so if I'm out of sequence, I'm sorry. I have a friend had a ceremony with friends to "marry" her partner (who is male). There was nothing legal/paperwork-y about the ceremony. According to the government, both of them are still single. They aren't interested in having the government in their business and don't feel the need to be legally married. While they both understand the "benefits" of marriage as listed on the first page of this thread, they don't intend to be legally married. Even though they don't care for the government approval, they believe they have a complete marriage and refer to each other as husband and wife. I prefer to be married because of the religious and legal reasons. It works for me/us.
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marvholly
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Post by marvholly on Nov 14, 2014 7:16:26 GMT -5
I have posted here that I would like a ‘friend’ but not to remarry. In introducing said friend to others that is exactly how I would characterize thing IF anything happened to come up.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Nov 14, 2014 7:44:41 GMT -5
OK, just read your previous post. But the thing is, you are not explaining the term to yourself, you are explaining it to someone else. I would think that anyone who hears the term "husband" will think of you as a legally married couple. If marriage doesn't matter to you, why make people think that you are legally married? I haven't read this entire thread, so if I'm out of sequence, I'm sorry. I have a friend had a ceremony with friends to "marry" her partner (who is male). There was nothing legal/paperwork-y about the ceremony. According to the government, both of them are still single. They aren't interested in having the government in their business and don't feel the need to be legally married. While they both understand the "benefits" of marriage as listed on the first page of this thread, they don't intend to be legally married. Even though they don't care for the government approval, they believe they have a complete marriage and refer to each other as husband and wife. I prefer to be married because of the religious and legal reasons. It works for me/us. Yeah....I don't understand that. The way things are in this country, govt is in your business in pretty much everything. So, when people take a stand against govt involvement by not getting married, it seems kind of......I can't pick a word....
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Nov 14, 2014 7:55:42 GMT -5
I have posted here that I would like a ‘friend’ but not to remarry. In introducing said friend to others that is exactly how I would characterize thing IF anything happened to come up. I guess that was my point in my posts about introductions. Nobody ever said "and who is this person to you that you just introduced" and I never asked anyone what the relationship was of the person they introduced me to. I guess now I will just introduce him as my boy toy and get all the wondering out of the way
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goldensam
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Post by goldensam on Nov 14, 2014 8:06:13 GMT -5
I'm okay with towels. New sheets would be good. Our sheets and bedding we recieved are ridiculously awesome. Everyone needs a registry at some point in their life! I wish I could have a "Living in Sin" registry.
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