Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2014 13:58:06 GMT -5
if he meets up with FB offering up her daughter with pizza and a movie,
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2014 14:13:09 GMT -5
He's only 4, but I got a hunch about that kid.
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nogooddeed
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Post by nogooddeed on Sept 24, 2014 14:42:04 GMT -5
I'm not sure which would be the most interesting question at breakfast the next morning:
"So, dear, good orgasm last night?" or
"How many times did you two come last night?"
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2014 14:43:43 GMT -5
Ewwwww!
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Sept 24, 2014 14:45:29 GMT -5
If my kid gets to have sex in my house with me being aware of it then in turn I get be as loud as I want so they are aware that Dh and I have sex in the house too..
That should take care of my kids' desire to have sex period, let alone in my house.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Sept 24, 2014 14:47:55 GMT -5
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Sept 24, 2014 17:00:19 GMT -5
I'm not sure which would be the most interesting question at breakfast the next morning <snip>
Um, ew? You don't really think people say these things, right?
I don't think its other parents jobs to police my rules for my kids. As the parent I had somewhere I *thought* my kid was going to be, which apparently wasn't true, and I either didn't check it, or didn't find out about plans changing. My issue is with my kid, not the parent who provided a safe roof for my child to sleep under.
I don't see it as "policing" anyone's kids - I see it as being responsible for what goes on under my roof.
If I were to see one of my kid's friends at the mall and the friend smelled of pot smoke, I wouldn't take it upon myself to report that to his/her parents. That's really between them and their folks.
But if a minor is staying at my house overnight, I'm going to make sure the parents are aware of it, especially in a romantic situation and especially if I don't know/trust them very well. To me it just makes sense to take responsibility for the presence of minors under my roof overnight - if nothing else, making sure the parents aren't going crazy worrying about them.
I'm not saying I'm going to obsessively text parents every time Babybird brings a study buddy around for an hour to work on a project, if that's the impression you're getting.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2014 17:47:16 GMT -5
I'm not sure which would be the most interesting question at breakfast the next morning: "So, dear, good orgasm last night?" or "How many times did you two come last night?" Is this something you and your wife and others talk about at the table? If not I. Not sure why it would come up?
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quince
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Post by quince on Sept 24, 2014 17:47:27 GMT -5
Everything might change when I have teenagers- maybe my kid will be really irresponsible, and will need extra monitoring, and I will make that assumption about other teens. Maybe there will actually be friends he has who don't let their parents know where they are. (In the age of cell phones?) All that will change what I do. Right now:
No difference in how friends of either gender are treated. (I don't see this changing because I can't think of a reason for this to change) Assume someone in their mid to late teens can update their parents themselves as to their location, and will do so. Not planning on knowing if my son's friends, romantic or otherwise, are virgins. Could be someone else's son and not their daughter who loses their virginity under my roof. It'll be a while before I know which way, if either, my kid leans.
As I said, my husband and I both started being sexually active later in life, and I at least made the decision on purpose. Neither of us drank or did drugs, and I at least kept my parents or grandparents posted as to where I would be if I were out late. If I had hidden things from my parents or made stupid decisions because I just couldn't control those darn hormones, my POV might be different on how much responsibility and autonomy teenagers deserve.
The next time I am exposed to teenage behavior will be my son, so if as he enters that age range he gives evidence that a higher level of freedom will be unwise, whelp, parenting strategy revision ahead.
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quince
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Post by quince on Sept 24, 2014 17:50:00 GMT -5
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2014 17:52:11 GMT -5
If my kid gets to have sex in my house with me being aware of it then in turn I get be as loud as I want so they are aware that Dh and I have sex in the house too..
That should take care of my kids' desire to have sex period, let alone in my house. If you can hear them, I guess turn around is fair play? I'd guess you can assume all you want to, but you are unlikely to KNOW what any two people are doing in bed, I don't think it matters if they are 16 or 60... eta: or you could get an inkling if you are rifling through your fathers porn draw to steal a tape and come across the toy box... ...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2014 18:00:58 GMT -5
I ordered her book, Sex Talk Questions you can't ask your parents... It's out of print, but I'm guessing not everything has changed? ... Thanks for the link!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2014 18:01:17 GMT -5
My daughter's first "real" boyfriend, his mother was worse than I was. DD was the first girl his Mom let him take on dates. They met when they were about 14 and for a long time, they only talked on the phone, didn't hang out together. Neither of them could drive and they lived about 20 minutes away from each other. The first time he took her out to a restaurant, his Mom went with them. She didn't sit at the same table, but she was there. That was the only time she actually stayed though. If they were going to hang out at my house, she called me to make sure I knew and that I would be home. If they were planning to hang out at her house, she called me to make sure I was ok with it and assure me she'd be home. She didn't hover over them or make them stay in her eyesight, but DD could only visit if his Mom was home.
It may seem like she was over-the-top to some of you, but for me, it was a relief to know that DD's first boyfriend had a Mom that showed some concern about what her kid was up to, was interested in knowing something about his first girlfriend and her family and tried to teach her son how he's supposed to treat his girlfriend. Some boys' parents have the attitude that "boys will be boys" and don't concern themselves with the things that they probably would if their child was a girl. She was a really nice lady, but she was very serious about how dating was suppose to go when he was dating my daughter. They dated for a couple of years and she relaxed some as time passed, but I got to know her well enough that I seriously doubt she would've been ok with a sleepover even if I'd been ok with it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2014 18:04:26 GMT -5
Did they only date at 14?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 24, 2014 19:04:07 GMT -5
Think about that sentence
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jkapp
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Post by jkapp on Sept 24, 2014 21:17:20 GMT -5
I imagine a conversation with my kid would go as follows:
My daughter: "Dad, can my boyfriend stay overnight?"
Me: "I don't know if he would want to...how well would he sleep with my foot on his neck?"
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Sept 24, 2014 21:53:32 GMT -5
Think about that sentence Shocking development: poster considers OWN THOUGHTS ON SUBJECT BEFORE POSTING!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 25, 2014 7:43:18 GMT -5
Think about that sentence Shocking development: poster considers OWN THOUGHTS ON SUBJECT BEFORE POSTING! You don't know them well and/or don't trust them but you are willing to have them sleep with your daughter. You see nothing wrong with that?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 25, 2014 7:52:03 GMT -5
Later, you see nothing wrong with daughter doing it in a car with someone mom doesn't know well?
At least she'll get to know him at home. No roofies at home. Much less chance of use of force in home...
Eta: Although, actually, I think she might have been referencing the parents there...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 25, 2014 7:57:16 GMT -5
My feeling is, I don't think teens should be having sex at all. I know they probably still are, and I'll prepare my boys with lots of lectures on precautions, but I won't condone it by knowingly allowing it in my house.
For the same reason I won't throw keggers in my house for them or have a bowl of joints for a centerpiece at the dining room table with a "Help Yourself" sign on it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 25, 2014 7:59:33 GMT -5
Later, you see nothing wrong with daughter doing it in a car with someone mom doesn't know well? At least she'll get to know him at home. No roofies at home. Much less chance of use of force in home... I reject that as the other option. Actually I know with recent experience that is not how it has happened.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 25, 2014 8:02:36 GMT -5
Condone: accept and allow (behavior that is considered morally wrong or offensive) to continue. I guess this is the area I'm struggling with. 1) that I don't think I have a right to control my kids bodies, ie. Their bodies are not something I allow them ownership over... It's not mine to allow... And 2) ... I'm not big on classifying sex as something morally wrong or offensive. Ill work it out when the time comes I'm sure.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 25, 2014 8:03:20 GMT -5
Later, you see nothing wrong with daughter doing it in a car with someone mom doesn't know well? At least she'll get to know him at home. No roofies at home. Much less chance of use of force in home... I reject that as the other option. Actually I know with recent experience that is not how it has happened. ? ... You don't think kids have sex in cars?
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Sept 25, 2014 8:05:43 GMT -5
One thing I haven't seen addressed here is legal ramificaitons. I'm more in the sleepovers are ok occassionally for a longer-term boyfriend/girlfriend, generally. But, many states have laws about the age of consent that might impact that. Here in IL there is no "Romeo and Juliet" law - essentially a law that allows teenagers to consentually sleep together while avoiding statutory rape charges as long as they are withing X# years of each other. For parents that let kids have sleepovers here, you better damn well make sure the other parents are cool with it or your kid could end up being charged as a sex offender. And I don't know what the ramifications would be for us, as the parents who allowed it to happen? Would that be facilitation? Accessory?
Just some thoughts to consider.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 25, 2014 8:05:45 GMT -5
Pretty damned uncomfortable.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 25, 2014 8:05:48 GMT -5
I reject that as the other option. Actually I know with recent experience that is not how it has happened. ? ... You don't think kids have sex in cars? Sure, but it is not the only other option. And not with guys I don't know. I'm not going into details for the sake of the girls' privacy but it's not like I have to let them have sex at home at night or they will be having violent, roofie induced sex with strangers in the back of cars.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 25, 2014 8:18:45 GMT -5
Condone: accept and allow (behavior that is considered morally wrong or offensive) to continue. I guess this is the area I'm struggling with. 1) that I don't think I have a right to control my kids bodies, ie. Their bodies are not something I allow them ownership over... It's not mine to allow... And 2) ... I'm not big on classifying sex as something morally wrong or offensive. Ill work it out when the time comes I'm sure. 1. You absolutely have control over your kids bodies, the only question is what age you hand complete responsibility over to them. 2. In my house it is talked about as smart or not. It is not smart to have sex with boys you don't know well and aren't sure they care about your well being, it's not smart to risk getting pregnant etc. I'm not going to encourage unwise choices.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 25, 2014 8:29:21 GMT -5
I don't actually have control over their bodies... ? I don't own their bodies their bodies are their own.
Any decision I have made in their younger years that put me in control of their bodies I have tried to use great care with... I am sorry I chose to circumcise son. Since then if at all possible, except in extreme health related issues they were not developmentally ready to make, then I didn't make them without their consent. At their ages, they are developmentally able to make decisions for themselves. I can influence, but I don't own their bodies.
Yes, I agree talking about sex and what's safe and healthy is great. I'm just trying to decide if I think it's better to promote sex as a natural part of a loving, sustained relationship, which does not have to be secret or invoke shame, might not be a better avenue for me/us... And be more likely to result in the outcomes I desire for my children as they transition to adulthood.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 25, 2014 8:41:54 GMT -5
I don't actually have control over their bodies... ? I don't own their bodies their bodies are their own. Any decision I have made in their younger years that put me in control of their bodies I have tried to use great care with... I am sorry I chose to circumcise son. Since then if at all possible, except in extreme health related issues they were not developmentally ready to make, then I didn't make them without their consent. At their ages, they are developmentally able to make decisions for themselves. I can influence, but I don't own their bodies. Yes, I agree talking about sex and what's safe and healthy is great. I'm just trying to decide if I think it's better to promote sex as a natural part of a loving, sustained relationship, which does not have to be secret or invoke shame, might not be a better avenue for me/us... And be more likely to result in the outcomes I desire for my children as they transition to adulthood. Just because it's natural part of a loving relationship doesn't mean it's age appropriate. I think marriage is healthy and good (despite my crappy ones), but if my 16 year old asked for permission to marry, I would say no. I don't think at 16 he should be marrying. He needs to mature, finish school, and not commit himself in that way so young. And I do think I have control over their bodies as well. Sorry, no permission for a facial piercing either.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Sept 25, 2014 8:44:15 GMT -5
For me, part of letting kids know they own their own bodies is that noone else has the right to control their bodies.
Alternately, they don't have the right to control anyone else's body either.
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