Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Sept 24, 2014 23:35:17 GMT -5
Hey guys, update: The two cheating spouses were actually together this weekend in Tahoe, and apparently look like they have no indication of cutting off contact. My BFF basically told his wife if you don't stop talking to him, then we are done, and she chose my STBX.
Because my STBX is a very violent, dangerous, druggie/alcoholic, my BFF is now working to get a restraining order against him in the name of his daughter, so his wife won't be able to bring her around him. BFF told his wife this and she didn't seem to care. So it pretty much looks like she is choosing my ex over her own child, who she has only seen twice for about 3 total hours in the last two weeks. Both of our exes are pretty pathetic. They don't even have anything in common except me and my BFF, so its going to be a short lived relationship.
My BFF and I are just taking it one day at a time and trying to be as supportive of each other as we can. I've told him not to tell me anything anymore about what they are doing because I just can't handle it. When I found out Sunday night that they had been together than weekend, I laid in bed crying for two days. I need to move on, so if he has something to tell me about his issues with his wife, that is fine, but leave my husbands name out of all conversations.
I am in Napa this coming weekend, and next week/end (when we can find time) I am going to seek legal help about filing for divorce. My mom is going with me for emotional support, since I know you shouldn't use your lawyer as a therapist.
I am also going to seek out a psychiatrist to talk to and hopefully get a prescription for my anxiety. I have had a number of panic attacks in the last few days, and I didn't sleep for 2 days either. Right now I just want to get my health back on track. And I need to just move on, all of the speculation, rumors, and especially the truths are driving me mad.
Hopefully the worst is over. I'm really not trying to attack you, but I'm amazed that you recently married a guy that you describe as Why is an affair the final straw? What made you even think being married to him in the first place was a good idea? I really urge you to get counseling, because this thread has been all about grief over the loss, and yet the loss you are now describing is completely dysfunctional. Why are you laying in bed for two days crying over losing this guy? Again, I'm not trying to be mean. I'm hoping that you get into counseling pronto, because you need to get a better grasp of your worth as a human being. We are allowed to grieve over lost relationships even if we recognize it is for the best. Also, I'm sure it wasn't intended this way, but this seems a little like kicking someone when they are down. She left and that is what it important. Grieving and moving forward is also important. Pointing out reasons she either should have left earlier or shouldn't be grieving is hurtful at this point. At least if Hurley is anything like me. Those comments were the absolute worst when I went through this. Although I can already tell she is stronger than I ever was, so she may not be like me.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Sept 25, 2014 6:38:59 GMT -5
I think seeing a therapist would be good for you. It's hard to get through crap when you aren't sleeping. We are always here to listen whenever you need to vent. I think you've made good choices in moving on even though it has to suck right now.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 25, 2014 7:46:13 GMT -5
I married twice. First one I got annulled and it wasnt easy. Both guys had the same issues and both times I knew not to Marry them. Did it anyway. This time I have it right and I'm still petrified of marriage. But I run from problem adults like they're zombies out to eat my flesh. No more rescuer for me.
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violagirl
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Post by violagirl on Sept 25, 2014 9:00:36 GMT -5
From my observations the mourning involved in the end of a relationship - especially a bad one - isn't so much for the person but for everything you hoped that person would be. Mourning that loss is just as if that person (the one in your imagination) had died. So there are going to be days of lying in bed crying and there are going to be days of hating and some days where you feel like you are moving on.
You marry not just the person at that moment in time but everything you hope will be in the future. You can't predict how a person will behave. Now, if her husband was a violent, drug addict when they got married then prediction of success is slim to start with but some people are optimists and some people DO change. Then you have the charmers they are a bit harder to detect and when you are young and naive they are exciting and you fall for their veneer.
My friends philandering ex was very charming and charismatic, people were drawn to him. But when he was mean he was nasty and he was able to hide that side from some people. He obviously hid it long enough to trap her. Even though he was toxic, she was sad at times and it took about a year to get over it. The problem is most peopel are not ALL bad and you tend to remember the good times. She thinks even though the marriage didn't work out that she is in a better place now than she would have been without it. Even with all the pain.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 25, 2014 9:06:14 GMT -5
From my observations the mourning involved in the end of a relationship - especially a bad one - isn't so much for the person but for everything you hoped that person would be. Mourning that loss is just as if that person (the one in your imagination) had died. So there are going to be days of lying in bed crying and there are going to be days of hating and some days where you feel like you are moving on. You marry not just the person at that moment in time but everything you hope will be in the future. You can't predict how a person will behave. Now, if her husband was a violent, drug addict when they got married then prediction of success is slim to start with but some people are optimists and some people DO change. Then you have the charmers they are a bit harder to detect and when you are young and naive they are exciting and you fall for their veneer. My friends philandering ex was very charming and charismatic, people were drawn to him. But when he was mean he was nasty and he was able to hide that side from some people. He obviously hid it long enough to trap her. Even though he was toxic, she was sad at times and it took about a year to get over it. The problem is most peopel are not ALL bad and you tend to remember the good times. She thinks even though the marriage didn't work out that she is in a better place now than she would have been without it. Even with all the pain. VERY MUCH THIS.
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Formerly SK
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Post by Formerly SK on Sept 25, 2014 9:16:03 GMT -5
I'm really not trying to attack you, but I'm amazed that you recently married a guy that you describe as Why is an affair the final straw? What made you even think being married to him in the first place was a good idea? I really urge you to get counseling, because this thread has been all about grief over the loss, and yet the loss you are now describing is completely dysfunctional. Why are you laying in bed for two days crying over losing this guy? Again, I'm not trying to be mean. I'm hoping that you get into counseling pronto, because you need to get a better grasp of your worth as a human being. We are allowed to grieve over lost relationships even if we recognize it is for the best. Also, I'm sure it wasn't intended this way, but this seems a little like kicking someone when they are down. She left and that is what it important. Grieving and moving forward is also important. Pointing out reasons she either should have left earlier or shouldn't be grieving is hurtful at this point. At least if Hurley is anything like me. Those comments were the absolute worst when I went through this. Although I can already tell she is stronger than I ever was, so she may not be like me. I think you are correct that my post seems like I'm kicking a person when they're down. My apologies. I wasn't trying to say that she should have left earlier, or that she shouldn't have been grieving, but given the limitations of online communication I can see how it would be perceived that way. OP, I married a guy at age 20. About two weeks before the wedding, he assaulted his sister in front of me. I still married him (for a bunch of really stupid reasons) and then lost five years of my life as I struggled with escaping. Perhaps if you knew this about me, you would know I wasn't meaning to attack you. My point was ONLY that I want you to see the BIG issue when all of your posts have focused on the smaller issue. I got the impression you don't see the big issue at all. Perhaps my impression is wrong. Truly I want the best for you and was trying to be helpful. Perhaps I failed in that, though.
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cktc
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Post by cktc on Sept 25, 2014 9:43:23 GMT -5
I just read a study that aspirin is good for a broken heart. Might be bogus, but worth a shot.
I personally recommend protein shakes. The infidelity diet can be a bit too effective and you want to have the energy to stay active and keep your mind off of things.
The wine tour and time with family is great. You are handling this with so much grace and strength.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Sept 25, 2014 10:14:27 GMT -5
I'm guessing because she was in love with him? Love isn't always rational. And she got herself out at the first "last straw" which is miles ahead of many women. And men, for that matter. Yes! I will admit that I thought I could change Baby Daddy and our love would concur all. It's not logical to me at 35, but my 19 yo self thought it made a lot of sense. And, maybe he wasn't like that until after they married. Plenty of people think a person is one way because that's what they've been allowed to see only to get the old bait and switch after marriage. Typical abusers are guilty of this.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 25, 2014 10:14:44 GMT -5
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hurley1980
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Post by hurley1980 on Sept 25, 2014 12:10:18 GMT -5
From my observations the mourning involved in the end of a relationship - especially a bad one - isn't so much for the person but for everything you hoped that person would be. Mourning that loss is just as if that person (the one in your imagination) had died. So there are going to be days of lying in bed crying and there are going to be days of hating and some days where you feel like you are moving on. You marry not just the person at that moment in time but everything you hope will be in the future. You can't predict how a person will behave. Now, if her husband was a violent, drug addict when they got married then prediction of success is slim to start with but some people are optimists and some people DO change. Then you have the charmers they are a bit harder to detect and when you are young and naive they are exciting and you fall for their veneer. My friends philandering ex was very charming and charismatic, people were drawn to him. But when he was mean he was nasty and he was able to hide that side from some people. He obviously hid it long enough to trap her. Even though he was toxic, she was sad at times and it took about a year to get over it. The problem is most peopel are not ALL bad and you tend to remember the good times. She thinks even though the marriage didn't work out that she is in a better place now than she would have been without it. Even with all the pain. Soooo this! He is all of the above plus very manipulative, and plays the pity card so people feel sorry for him. He basically was a good guy to me until about 2 months into the marriage, then things started going downhill. I recognized the problems (mainly increasingly heavy drinking, leading to angry fights), and tried to address the issues for months, but he wouldn't stop drinking, go to counseling, nothing. He had basically checked out by the time the affair started in April. I pretty much knew it was over last month, but its a hard pill to swallow.
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hurley1980
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Post by hurley1980 on Sept 25, 2014 12:12:01 GMT -5
I also have pretty low self esteem, which is why I need to see a psychiatrist. I know now that I deserve better, but it took a lot for me to put my foot down because I loved him and hoped he would eventually want to get help. The affair made me realize he really didn't care and wasn't going to change, and didn't even really want me anymore. That's where the last straw came from.
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hurley1980
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I am all that is wrong with the world....don't get too close, I'm contagious.
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Post by hurley1980 on Sept 25, 2014 12:13:26 GMT -5
Lastly I was and still and very scared of him. I am going on Monday morning to get a restraining order. Fear makes you do stupid things.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Sept 25, 2014 12:33:48 GMT -5
Lastly I was and still and very scared of him. I am going on Monday morning to get a restraining order. Fear makes you do stupid things. Just don't let him see or know your fear. It's OK to be scared. And fear does not have to make you do stupid things. It can make you very smart, and increase your ability for self-preservation.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Sept 25, 2014 18:31:17 GMT -5
Lastly I was and still and very scared of him. I am going on Monday morning to get a restraining order. Fear makes you do stupid things. Just don't let him see or know your fear. It's OK to be scared. And fear does not have to make you do stupid things. It can make you very smart, and increase your ability for self-preservation. Yeah that. ((((HUGS))))
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Sept 25, 2014 18:31:31 GMT -5
Stay strong Hurley, you'll get out of this and to a much better place, hoping it is soon. Best wishes! Yeah that.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Sept 25, 2014 18:45:25 GMT -5
Stay strong, Hurley. I wish you the best. Your life WILL get better. Right now, you're just shooting the rapids, but eventually, you'll be downriver, far away from the a-hole, and you'll be sheltered in a pool of calm.
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Artemis Windsong
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Sept 25, 2014 19:09:22 GMT -5
Hurley mentioned anti-anxiety drugs. I was told once a person is on them, they cannot get off as the anxiety is magnified.
A better conversation would be in the line of anti-depressants.
I hope everything goes okay for you. This is a difficult path to go down and the hurt and emotions do not heal for a long time.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Sept 25, 2014 19:55:51 GMT -5
Hurley mentioned anti-anxiety drugs. I was told once a person is on them, they cannot get off as the anxiety is magnified. A better conversation would be in the line of anti-depressants. I hope everything goes okay for you. This is a difficult path to go down and the hurt and emotions do not heal for a long time. I disagree about the anti anxiety meds. If you are suffering from acute and situational anxiety, anti anxiety meds are often very helpful. If you are a chronically anxious person, however, antidepressants can be effectively used to manage long term. Sounds like Hurley is suffering the former, but should definitely discuss both options with her Dr.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 25, 2014 20:00:14 GMT -5
He's a horses patoot, she's a skank, and you rock!
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on Sept 25, 2014 20:16:52 GMT -5
Hurley mentioned anti-anxiety drugs. I was told once a person is on them, they cannot get off as the anxiety is magnified. A better conversation would be in the line of anti-depressants. I hope everything goes okay for you. This is a difficult path to go down and the hurt and emotions do not heal for a long time. I disagree about the anti anxiety meds. If you are suffering from acute and situational anxiety, anti anxiety meds are often very helpful. If you are a chronically anxious person, however, antidepressants can be effectively used to manage long term. Sounds like Hurley is suffering the former, but should definitely discuss both options with her Dr. My mom's Dr. explained to me that Zoloft works on both anxiety and depression in different ways, so that might be one to consider. My mom also takes Ativan, which REALLY works, but I would be afraid of forming a habit with that one. Obviously, your DR should know more and help you figure out what you might be comfortable taking and what might work best for you.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Sept 25, 2014 20:23:24 GMT -5
I also have pretty low self esteem, which is why I need to see a psychiatrist. I know now that I deserve better, but it took a lot for me to put my foot down because I loved him and hoped he would eventually want to get help. The affair made me realize he really didn't care and wasn't going to change, and didn't even really want me anymore. That's where the last straw came from. Repeat after me..."I fucking rock"! You are a great person and you deserve to be treated as such. When I saw your post about his behavior I newrly posted that I was worried about your self-esteem...and then I saw SK get beaten up over her reply so didn't! But i do think you would benefit from some therapy sessions. Self-esteem issues mess with the best of us...but you are strong and I have no doubt you will overcome
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Sept 25, 2014 20:44:05 GMT -5
Hurley, I think you're pretty cool. I don't know,why you don't.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 25, 2014 20:46:58 GMT -5
Doesn't have to make sense. It's how she feels. Until she feels differently, nothing will change. Use this push to make the change that will last the rest of your life. You so deserve better than you've gotten. If you don't believe it yet, fake it til you do!!
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Artemis Windsong
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Post by Artemis Windsong on Sept 25, 2014 21:03:25 GMT -5
Their actions are not a reflection on you, Hurley. It is a reflection on them. I am appalled at how friends support the "lovers" and ditch the person doing the correct thing.
Or the azhat takes up with a scumbag leaving a quality person.
The priorities are in the wrong place.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Sept 26, 2014 6:59:01 GMT -5
Lastly I was and still and very scared of him. I am going on Monday morning to get a restraining order. Fear makes you do stupid things. Just don't let him see or know your fear. It's OK to be scared. And fear does not have to make you do stupid things. It can make you very smart, and increase your ability for self-preservation. From Listen, episode 4 of the current Doctor Who series. This quote is just one of the many reasons this episode is going to be in my personal Top 10 best EVER Doctor Who episode list.
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nutty
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Post by nutty on Sept 30, 2014 9:08:24 GMT -5
Yes, I have lost alot of people I thought were my friends also. I have lost my inlaws which I never thought would happen. Who knows what the STBX is saying. Hurley this is but a bump in the road, if you need to talk to someone then go ahead. Life can only get better.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Sept 30, 2014 9:17:47 GMT -5
We are here, too. I wish we were close IRL but we are here. Vent. Go crazy. Cry. Whatever you need when you need it.
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