taz157
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Post by taz157 on Sept 18, 2014 12:07:26 GMT -5
I'm sorry Hurley. Hang in there.
You deserve better. Yeah that.
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hurley1980
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I am all that is wrong with the world....don't get too close, I'm contagious.
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Post by hurley1980 on Sept 18, 2014 12:08:50 GMT -5
Thanks guys, I'm just trying to keep myself busy now. I had a couple days to lay in bed, cry and feel sorry for myself, now its time to get back to work!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 18, 2014 12:09:13 GMT -5
I think for a few pages there it got a bit more theoretical Speak for yourself, I'm doing a maternity test on Babybird
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Sept 18, 2014 12:15:05 GMT -5
Hurley, I'm glad to know he left his keys, but change the locks anyway. Any sorry-ass bastard who will lie and tell people you had the affair will also make copies of keys. He may not break in to hurt you, but he could use them to come into the house to do damage, steal or just rattle your nerves while you are not there. You have no real idea of how his behavior and mindset will change when those papers are served.
Get those locks changed. Make sure your windows can be secured. Let a trusted neighbor or two know the situation, so if they see him, they know he does not belong there. Protect yourself. It only takes one situation (a rough day on the job), one set of legal papers or one text or email (not from you; could be from his honey ho) to set him off.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Sept 18, 2014 12:24:37 GMT -5
Hugs Hurley. Lot so hugs.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Sept 18, 2014 12:27:02 GMT -5
Love is love. A child is a child. Biology doesn't enter into that connection. For you. Or for me. Or for MPL, Carl or many of the other posters.
But biology does enter into the connection for some people and it's important that we allow them to be honest with that feeling when they are making decisions for their family. If we create a space where our revulsion regarding their belief or self righteous declaration of how things should be forces people to ignore or conceal something they deeply believe, it can cause issues like Zib described where people enter into a situation yet can't bring themselves to parent the child like they would a biologically related child.
We may not agree with the idea that biology is necessary for love, but we need to let others make that decision for themselves without judging or shaming them.
It may not just be the biology either, but the absolute betrayal by someone you trusted. An accidental switch like in the hospital is slightly different that your wife hiding an affair & lying to you about the kid being yours. You don't just have to overcome that the kids isn't biologically yours in the second scenario. The kid will forever be a reminder of what you thought you had & how you were lied to. All the love in the world may not be able to overcome that feeling of hurt & it might come out in how you act towards the child whether or not you want it to.
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souldoubt
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Post by souldoubt on Sept 18, 2014 12:32:21 GMT -5
The mention of him telling people you had the affair reminded me of something my boss told me. When she started the divorce proceedings after she found out her ex was having an affair their kids stopped talking to him which was their decision as grown adults. No one from the husbands side of the family was told anything as he didn't mention it and since none of the 3 of them were talking to him it wasn't their place to say anything. After so many months their grandmother on their dad's side sent the kids texts saying what they're doing to their dad was horrible. Turns out dear old dad mentioned the divorce but left out the bit about him being a cheating douche. He actually led his own mother and the rest of his family to believe that because of the divorce his ex was poisoning his kids mind and turning them against him. One of the kids responded nicely saying something like "you may want to talk to ____ because he didn't give you the whole story." The next time they hear from her she was apologizing left and right after she finally got the truth from her son. Sorry he's putting you through that now but I think you handled it as best you could as I wouldn't have been as much of an adult about it.
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hurley1980
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Post by hurley1980 on Sept 18, 2014 12:40:02 GMT -5
Hurley, I'm glad to know he left his keys, but change the locks anyway. Any sorry-ass bastard who will lie and tell people you had the affair will also make copies of keys. He may not break in to hurt you, but he could use them to come into the house to do damage, steal or just rattle your nerves while you are not there. You have no real idea of how his behavior and mindset will change when those papers are served. Get those locks changed. Make sure your windows can be secured. Let a trusted neighbor or two know the situation, so if they see him, they know he does not belong there. Protect yourself. It only takes one situation (a rough day on the job), one set of legal papers or one text or email (not from you; could be from his honey ho) to set him off. I am getting the locks changed. My neighbor across the street is a military cop, and he is not happy with my STBX, in fact he pretty much hates him, so he is looking out for me. My STBX is so mentally unstable from all the drugs and booze and PTSD and whatnot, that I would not put anything past him.
I do also have a gun in the house, that I hope to never have to use, and I am getting an alarm system. I do not live in the best area of town, not bad, but no gated community, so I was planning to get the alarm system anyway.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Sept 18, 2014 12:41:59 GMT -5
Hurley--do you own your house? If not, I'd consider breaking the lease and moving. NOT because I would be scared of stbx, just to have a clean start.
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hurley1980
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Post by hurley1980 on Sept 18, 2014 12:45:27 GMT -5
The mention of him telling people you had the affair reminded me of something my boss told me. When she started the divorce proceedings after she found out her ex was having an affair their kids stopped talking to him which was their decision as grown adults. No one from the husbands side of the family was told anything as he didn't mention it and since none of the 3 of them were talking to him it wasn't their place to say anything. After so many months their grandmother on their dad's side sent the kids texts saying what they're doing to their dad was horrible. Turns out dear old dad mentioned the divorce but left out the bit about him being a cheating douche. He actually led his own mother and the rest of his family to believe that because of the divorce his ex was poisoning his kids mind and turning them against him. One of the kids responded nicely saying something like "you may want to talk to ____ because he didn't give you the whole story." The next time they hear from her she was apologizing left and right after she finally got the truth from her son. Sorry he's putting you through that now but I think you handled it as best you could as I wouldn't have been as much of an adult about it. Ya, it was a pretty crappy thing for him to do, but of course he doesn't want all the chicks in our home town to know what a cheating bastard he is, in case he wants to get into their pants. We have many mutual friends that know the real story and are quick to clear things up if they hear lies. Besides that, everyone already knows what a scumbag he really is, so I don't think anyone but his family really believes him, and that's only because they fix all of his problems for him anyway. The whole damn family is a mess. His mom cheated on her ex husband with her now husband, so I know where he gets it from!
What's funny is that his ex wife cheated on him while he was on tour with his own brother, so you would think he would realize how bad cheating hurts, but he left most of his emotions in Iraq, so I really think he's capable of seeing how his actions hurt people.
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hurley1980
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Post by hurley1980 on Sept 18, 2014 12:46:36 GMT -5
I do own my house. I am thinking of putting it up for sale in the next year, and taking the equity and buying a condo. I hate doing yard work, and I just want to be someplace new, without all of the bad memories.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Sept 18, 2014 12:51:27 GMT -5
Hurley, I'm glad to know he left his keys, but change the locks anyway. Any sorry-ass bastard who will lie and tell people you had the affair will also make copies of keys. He may not break in to hurt you, but he could use them to come into the house to do damage, steal or just rattle your nerves while you are not there. You have no real idea of how his behavior and mindset will change when those papers are served. Get those locks changed. Make sure your windows can be secured. Let a trusted neighbor or two know the situation, so if they see him, they know he does not belong there. Protect yourself. It only takes one situation (a rough day on the job), one set of legal papers or one text or email (not from you; could be from his honey ho) to set him off. I am getting the locks changed. My neighbor across the street is a military cop, and he is not happy with my STBX, in fact he pretty much hates him, so he is looking out for me. My STBX is so mentally unstable from all the drugs and booze and PTSD and whatnot, that I would not put anything past him.
I do also have a gun in the house, that I hope to never have to use, and I am getting an alarm system. I do not live in the best area of town, not bad, but no gated community, so I was planning to get the alarm system anyway.
Bad that he's a jerk, and a druggie jerk at that. But good that you know and have done what you need. Oh, and when that fine military man across the street gets hold of your STBX and decides to crush his head into a Play-doh-like substance...can we watch?
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hurley1980
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Post by hurley1980 on Sept 18, 2014 13:05:11 GMT -5
Ill set up a cam so you can all witness it. lol
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Sept 18, 2014 13:09:18 GMT -5
I do own my house. I am thinking of putting it up for sale in the next year, and taking the equity and buying a condo. I hate doing yard work, and I just want to be someplace new, without all of the bad memories. That's probably good, to wait a while and not make any (other) big changes until the dust settles.
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souldoubt
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Post by souldoubt on Sept 18, 2014 13:20:53 GMT -5
I do own my house. I am thinking of putting it up for sale in the next year, and taking the equity and buying a condo. I hate doing yard work, and I just want to be someplace new, without all of the bad memories. Not a bad idea at all just take your time and do your research in regards to the HOA, the reserve balance/financials and so on. I love my townhouse and have had no issues with the HOA but some of the posters on here have some nightmarish stories that have come up.
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skubikky
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Post by skubikky on Sept 18, 2014 13:35:11 GMT -5
I can read that you're very angry and hurt but resigned to the fact that you have to move on.
Try your best not to argue or get into it with him. Also, as much as you can, share this stuff with those that are close to you but don't broadcast it. You don't want it to cause any issues as you go forward. Hopefully the two of you can come to an agreement, have it submitted to the court and move on with your lives.
Going to counseling will be a good thing and a safe and private place to fully vent your hurt and frustration. I'm sure also that many things from the past are coming to the surface right now and probably making things worse. You have the luxury of only having to care for yourself and can make your needs the priority and that's a very good thing.
There are better days ahead......you will get there.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Sept 18, 2014 13:56:40 GMT -5
I'm sorry he's such a douchecanoe. It sounds like you are taking all the right steps. Take care of yourself.
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ArchietheDragon
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Post by ArchietheDragon on Sept 18, 2014 14:20:28 GMT -5
Sorry to hear. There is no easy solution, as you can't be expected to put up with his actions, but I also feel badly that he was traumatized in Iraq and became addicted to self medicating. Tough situation to be in.
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sapphire12
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Post by sapphire12 on Sept 18, 2014 14:37:32 GMT -5
Sorry you are going through this Hurley. You clearly are hurt and have cried. Good cries are therapeutic. Good to hear, you have a plan and are moving forward. Good luck!
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hurley1980
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Post by hurley1980 on Sept 18, 2014 15:21:50 GMT -5
I think you're on the right track with the condo idea .
Were you ever in the military as well, hurley1980 ? (if you don't mind me asking of course) Nope, never in the military.
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hurley1980
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Post by hurley1980 on Sept 18, 2014 15:24:56 GMT -5
I can read that you're very angry and hurt but resigned to the fact that you have to move on. Try your best not to argue or get into it with him. Also, as much as you can, share this stuff with those that are close to you but don't broadcast it. You don't want it to cause any issues as you go forward. Hopefully the two of you can come to an agreement, have it submitted to the court and move on with your lives. Going to counseling will be a good thing and a safe and private place to fully vent your hurt and frustration. I'm sure also that many things from the past are coming to the surface right now and probably making things worse. You have the luxury of only having to care for yourself and can make your needs the priority and that's a very good thing. There are better days ahead......you will get there. I am not arguing with him at all, because I changed my phone number and blocked him on facebook so he has no way to contact me. I haven't said anything on facebook because as angry as I am, its still humiliating, and I don't want all of my business out there. Also, there is no agreement, because there is nothing for him to get. He can try to spend money on a lawyer to get maybe a couple grand, but he doesn't have money for a lawyer anyway. He is still paying $100 a night for a hotel. I still cant figure out how he could afford to send her flowers, but he does have credit cards. I've heard so much more hurtful crap in the last five days, that I pretty much told everyone to just stop telling me stuff, I don't want to know anymore.
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hurley1980
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Post by hurley1980 on Sept 18, 2014 15:30:35 GMT -5
All that bit about never wanting to get married and being "pressured" is hokey, pure and simple. It's sour grapes and a way to try to hurt you and put the blame on everyone except himself. That's what people like him do. It's natural to feel lonely at first, but you'll get past that as things start to even out and he goes away. When you can, seek out friends and outings to give yourself some diversions. You're a strong woman and you're going to do just fine! Not sure I agree. My read is darker.... Hurley has decided to end things, very permanently. This means she has taken over the power in the relationship. I think mr. funkypants was not so much trying to put the blame out there - as he was trying to take back the power dimension. Hurley says "I don't want to know you anymore" and so he lashes out with this in effect sticking his tongue out and saying "I never liked you anyway" and then going after the floozy. Apparently - in a way that would get back to Hurley. Just curious Hurley - how did you know about the flowers? etc.? IMO - all of this is grandstanding to show you up, because you are now in the driver's seat and he isn't. Don't let it affect you. That is what he wants. No its pretty much all just to hurt me. I initially wanted to work things out but he was done. That's when he told me some of this stuff, and he is still very much pursuing her. I initially thought he felt bad and thought he could work it out (back on like page 3....), but I have since realized that was all just a play on my emotions. He's just a jerk in all honesty, and he knows he has the power as long as I am communicating with him, which is why that has stopped.
My best friend is still communication with his wife, because she is desperate to take him back. I don't know if he will or not. She told him about the flowers because she was hoping they were from him. The only other person that would send her flowers is my ex, because apparently, he has done it before. And he's the only one who knows her work address. He didn't leave a note though, but if they were from a friend or someone, they would leave a note. So we are sure it was him.
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hurley1980
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Post by hurley1980 on Sept 18, 2014 15:39:23 GMT -5
I've got a full calendar this weekend. I am going to Napa with my mom and aunt next weekend. Then my cousin is coming to visit from the bay the weekend after. She went through this same thing a few years ago with her husband, and her and I are very much alike, so she will keep me entertained. lol. I'm good for at least 3 weekends, that's when I have the hardest time because I just sit around and think about this over and over.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Sept 18, 2014 15:50:45 GMT -5
I've got a full calendar this weekend. I am going to Napa with my mom and aunt next weekend. Then my cousin is coming to visit from the bay the weekend after. She went through this same thing a few years ago with her husband, and her and I are very much alike, so she will keep me entertained. lol. I'm good for at least 3 weekends, that's when I have the hardest time because I just sit around and think about this over and over. Well, if you find yourself doing that, get your tail on here! There's usually some of us around on the weekend and we'll be here for you. I might even do my infamous cyber soft-shoe! You haven't lived, dahlink!
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Sept 18, 2014 16:07:23 GMT -5
I know the situation totally & completely sucks. But, I have to say you are an amazingly strong woman! Good for you to just move on & never look back. Maybe not today, but you will be happier for it soon. You deserve someone better & you definitely don't deserve to feel alone with your drunk husband in the room.
I wish I had your strength!
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Formerly SK
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Post by Formerly SK on Sept 18, 2014 16:09:11 GMT -5
I actually think there's a bit of a silver lining to him being mean. If he was apologizing and begging you to take him back, you'd have to wrestle with all these emotions and arguments as you make your decision. That he's acting like a a$$hole gives you clarity so you can knowingly move forward. I'm not saying it's fun or right or anything, but as someone who divorced a XH for less clear cut reasons (and had all the doubt/guilt that went with it) you actually do have some positives in this. I'm so sorry though. Divorce sucks, no matter what the specifics.
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Icelandic Woman
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Post by Icelandic Woman on Sept 18, 2014 16:27:54 GMT -5
I am sorry you are going through this Hurley. Hugs to you! What an ass! Just remember you are never lonely when you have your fur babies.
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achelois
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Post by achelois on Sept 18, 2014 17:09:28 GMT -5
Sorry you got more hurtful news, but I think you are doing a great job handling everything.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Sept 18, 2014 18:24:34 GMT -5
I completely agree with others that you are handling it very well and that you are very strong.
But it's also OK if you are not. It's OK to wallow and cry and be mad and throw a thing or two.
Because you are strong and it sounds like you have a great support system - there is no doubt you will be fine.
But right now - allow yourself to feel whatever it is you feel and be OK with that.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Sept 20, 2014 9:13:13 GMT -5
Oh Hurley, I am so sorry that this jackass is hurting you like he is. I'm not sure if this is going to come out the right way but here it goes...I am happy that he showed his true colors to you before you wasted too much of your life with him. I know your heart is broken but you are a strong woman and you are going to be just fine. Many hugs
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